The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 013 Marriage and Parenting with Rebecca and Seth

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Green. Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family. Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast. I had such a wonderful time interviewing my husband, Seth Green, that I roped him in and brought him back for you. I want to tell you a little bit about my husband. He is a very busy man. He runs several businesses. He has Silver Spoon Financial. He has Market Domination, a marketing business. He has BMD publishing for podcasts and books. And honey, there's more. I know there's more, but that is, that is where I'm going to begin with him. He is a very, very busy man. He is always adding to his plate. Every time I talk to him, I learn something new, so I'm sure I'm going to learn something new today. And I also keep him very busy at home with our 3 children and 3 pets. So honey, thank you so much for joining me.

Well, thanks for having me back. I am honored to be your first repeat guest. So that is awesome status for me. One day people will be like, man, you were the first repeat guest on Winey Palooza.

Well, and I want you to know that if this is as fun as the first time, it's not going to be the last time.

All right. No pressure, right? I have to, I have to tell you something you don't already know and I have to be fun. All right. Okay.

Well, I want to talk to everyone. I want to talk to you, and I want everyone to hear us talk about our fabulous marriage and our 3 wonderful children who keep us super, super busy. And I want to start out by telling everyone the amazing things that you have been doing, that I want to tell you when you're doing something right, okay? So I want you to hear this because I think that a lot of the wives and husbands will relate to me when I say that I think we tell each other when we might do something wrong, or we might complain to each other, but we don't always tell each other what we do right. So I would like to start— I would like to start there.

Okay.

I would like— and I would like to tell you that our 8-year-old daughter Lily started out our dinner tonight with asking us to rate our day, which I thought was adorable. They do this at school, so she's learned this from school.

Yes.

So every day they rate their day at school and tell their teachers why they're rating themselves a certain way. So I rated myself a 10 today, and I would like to tell everyone why I'm a 10 today. First—

go for it—

first, we took the children to the mall. Everything We are in Buffalo, New York, and we are in the orange zone right now. And what that means for us is that things have begun to shut down. So before—

Again.

Things— right, again. So before things get worse and before even the mall is closed, Seth and I decided to go on a family adventure and to take our kids, all of our kids, that's a rare occurrence for us these days. All 5 of us went to the mall. And I had a great time, Seth. What about you?

Sure, it was fine. Lol is your idea of fun, it's not mine.

Didn't you admit—

although Max and I did get to go airsoft target shooting, so yeah, that part was fun.

So you got a little fun son bonding time too, doing something you two like?

Yes, we got to shoot for 5-10 minutes, so that—

yes, that was much more fun than watching you walk around like a I was going to say, I love walking through the stores and I am training my son to be a good husband because he walks around the stores and he doesn't say a word and he says things like, "Why are we here?" The girls do.

Yeah, they complain more than he does. You are right.

So, not only did we have a family outing, we also ordered dinner so I didn't have to cook. And after this podcast, I am going to my book club. So, I want to thank my husband for taking us all out, for ordering us all dinner, and for letting me go out. So, I wanted to—

I did the dishes.

And I heard you doing the dishes. So, I was like, I was up here doing my makeup going, this is awesome. I am going to stay upstairs. Thanks.

I am glad you are having a great day. That is awesome.

So, I wanted to tell you that, and I also wanted to tell you something else that you have been doing right. So if you read my blog, my blog is Whiny Palooza. My vlog is also Whiny Palooza, both of which come out every Wednesday on Facebook and YouTube and whinypalooza.com. And I have been talking about challenges with our 8-year-old daughter Lily and trying to get her to do her independent work. On Thursday and Friday, Lily has had independent work days and I am supposed to get her to do the work. And I say get her to do the work because she's not one of those kids who takes it out and gets it done like some of the other children are doing. And I want to tell my husband that, you know, Thursday I went to school for retake, for picture retake day, and he took over and did schoolwork with her.

You were helping with picture retake day. You did not need your picture retaken. I'll make sure that's clear.

Okay, I went to Lily's always in school. I volunteered to help with picture retake day and left Seth at home with the kids, and he worked at home and he did Lily's work with her, so I got a break. And then Friday I did work with Lily until she petered out and said, "I'm toast," and I left it for us to finish this weekend. And when I went to Wegmans yesterday, Seth did her work with her, so I also wanted to give him kudos for for taking over there. And I think that, and Seth, I want you to chime in when I say this, I think that what Seth has realized is that Lilly can be so challenging that he's trying to step in and do more for me. Is that accurate?

Yes, that is true. Yes, I believe it is in a way respite care to give you a break. I appreciate the public declaration of praise. That is awesome. However, we should talk about some stuff for the folks at home. To help them and inspire them. As much as I would love it to be the Rebecca Loves Sessh0 for half an hour, we should, we should talk about other stuff.

Well, so what I wanted to start with was I wanted to tell everyone that our spouses don't know when they're doing something right.

Yes.

That we like, or that is helpful unless we tell them. So I am not trying to brag about my wonderful husband. We fight, we get into it, we're not perfect. I am just trying to start with the fact that you have done a bunch of things right, and I want you to hear it from me so that you know to repeat that. And you're not going to know that I love it.

I appreciate that. Yes, I appreciate that.

So let's pivot and let's talk about some challenges in our relationship and in our parenting and how we've been dealing with them to hopefully help other people. So would you want to jump into marriage or parenting?

Why don't we start with marriage?

Okay, so I would like to ask you, can you tell me and everyone else what has been going well for you and what can we work on?

Okay, I I'm going to go in reverse order. I'm going to say, what can we work on? I think there are times that we both have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, of each other. I think so. Your life has gone up, down, up, down, has dramatically changed a number of times over the last few— over the last 6 to 9 months.

Yes.

Um, once school in air quotes started my life went back to normal because I went back to work at the office and you had them in school, out of school, in school, and now out of school. So you've been on a roller coaster and I've somewhat been along for the ride, but my life has pretty much since school stayed the same because I just kept going to the office. So I think I go to work all day and get a break from the children. Work has its own ups, downs, stress, and stuff like that.

Sure.

But I get a break from the kids, so I'm not fried. And then I come home and I might be excited about a great day. And I'm like, worry about, oh, well, she texted me 7 times about Lily. So is she even going to want to hear about this? And is she going to be cranky? And my euphoria drops when I walk in the door because the first thing I do is get, let me tell you about your daughter. Or whatever.

Yeah.

So I think my expectations need to be adjusted. That you have a much more challenging situation and that I need to be empathetic and sensitive to that and not just— because your life isn't normal, but mine a little bit is. So because we were working remote before COVID we were always on Zoom, so that hasn't changed that much. So I think that's something I can work on. I think it also applies to you in reverse because I think you have these expectations. Maybe I'm wrong, we'll find out in a second.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Your life has changed and mine should too, or if not should too, I should be aware of it, sensitive to it, anticipate it, and should not expect you to be normal, Rebecca. You should— I, I should realize you're COVID Rebecca right now, and I should not have the same expectations I did of you in our marriage that I did before. And I fully admit I'm guilty of not doing that. I think things that we're doing well, I think I am trying to insist that you take care of yourself. I'm trying to get you to go out when possible. I'm trying to get you to take breaks. I'm trying to cook more. I'm trying to clean more. I'm trying to do more dishes so that you can do less because you're doing so much extra already that's emotionally draining. And I think that you are be— like a lot of moms trying to be Superwoman right now and balance your career, your blog, your vlog, your podcast, and everything else that you do along with homeschool, remote school, virtual school, hybrid school, whatever it is in the next 24 hours. And I think you've done a great job at juggling that. I think you have impossibly high expectations of yourself and you don't give yourself enough credit for the awesome job that you're doing. And because the house isn't spotless or Lily doesn't have everything under control or whatever, you beat yourself up and you don't realize how amazing you are doing. So I'm going to tell you, however much you're doing is more than enough and you need to give yourself some credit.

Well, I'm going to try not to cry. And I want to tell you why I'm feeling so emotional right now. First, it's nice to hear you get in my head. And I think we just need to talk to each other more. And I don't think that marital couples are communicating enough because their kids are home so much.

Right. That's decreased some of our communication. And then it's increased some of the others of, I get home where it's about to be bedtime and you want to vent or dump. And I get half an hour, 45 minutes of everything you're frustrated with, challenged with that day. And there's no celebration. Like it's just venting ground and that'll take you down. You might feel relief, but now I got all that crap.

Well, so, so that everyone knows, our kids are going full remote tomorrow. Today is Sunday, tomorrow is Monday, November 23rd, and our kids are going full remote. So life is changing again for me. And I did, um, I don't want to say I yelled at Seth, I vented to Seth, and I said to him the other day, your life has been the same. My life changes constantly. And I think— I don't want to generalize, but the mothers who are working at home are feeling the exact same way because, you know, it doesn't really— I'm just saying from who I have spoken to. I don't want to put down dads. Dads are amazing. But from the mothers that I have spoken to, whether the dads work at home or not, most of the parenting is still falling on the mothers. A lot of the mothers I talk to are feeling overwhelmed.

Right, unless you're a stay-at-home dad. Absolutely right.

And I think that what you said is you are trying to force me to take breaks because I am really bad at it. And I am good at things. I am bad at identifying that I'm fried and need a break. And I think that what we all need to realize is that taking breaks is not selfish. If we do not take breaks, we are cranky to our spouse, we are cranky to our kids, and we take it out on them, and we are not our best self. I think that I appreciate Seth for pushing me to take breaks. You know, Lily, I have to be honest, Lily was crying before the podcast because she hates when I leave, and this whole COVID situation has been very hard on her because she now gets separation anxiety, whereas before she was used to leaving me so much. Now she's with me so much that every time she leaves me, it's a little bit hard for her. So the fact that she knows I'm going out tonight is upsetting her. And I had to do some self-talk and say to myself, nope, I'm not going to feel guilty. I need to do this and I need to not let my 8-year-old cry and keep me home. So I'm telling her—

She can cry. You just need to not give in.

Well, and I, you know, I feel bad and I know that this whole COVID situation has messed with her because I would take her to school on Monday and Tuesday and she would be like, but I missed you so much all day. And that wasn't how she used to be. She used to, you know, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, she might be home beating me up and telling me—

I was going to say, she knows exactly how to manipulate you and push your buttons. And she plays you like a Stradivarius.

Well, she's my baby.

That's just my opinion. And that's part of the problem.

You're absolutely right.

That you think that.

Well, she's always my baby and she will be 80 years old and she will still be my baby. So.

Right. But labeling her that, she, instead of baby, how about youngest child?

Young. Okay.

Baby has different emotional connotations to it that you may not realize you're putting out there that give her all kinds of power over you.

You're absolutely right. And I also want to say to you and to everyone else that I would like us to take the word normal. And I would like us to throw it out the window and stomp on it. There is no more normal. Everyone keeps saying, when are we going to go back to normal? When is this going to be over? Let's be honest, I don't know what normal is. I don't know if we will ever go back to normal. So let us all be where we are today and live in the moment. Let's not, let's not grieve the past. Let's not be anxious about the future. Let's live in the present moment today and let's own the fact of this is our new situation and how are we going to deal with that. And I think that as a mother having her children home 7 days a week, I think that I am going to continue my— continue to figure out how to give myself breaks. One of my favorite ways is to disappear into the basement onto the treadmill. Just to let you know, for those of you who are like, well, I can't go anywhere. Well, you can go get a Starbucks and sit in your car with a book. You can go in your basement and work out. There are ways to do it. I also heard Seth say something so important that I feel terrible about, and sometimes you just need to tell me so that I hear it and know what I am doing. Seth walks through the door and he deserves for me, I mean, I love when he walks through the door. He doesn't know that. I haven't been showing him that. I have been so fried. I need to smile. I need to kiss him hello. I need to be so happy to see him. I am letting the whole 7-day drain affect how I am greeting him. Affect how I'm talking to him, and I'm basically venting to you all the time.

Pretty much.

So you would probably like to hear some, some good stuff, right?

I am listening to the same radio station of, for lack of a better term, RSS— Rebecca Sob Story FM.

Hey now!

When was the last— I, I— give me the last super awesome thing, you know, thing you felt awesome about that you told me about that wasn't today.

Okay, whenever. Okay, so I'm gonna back up.

That was the question you were supposed to answer.

I'm gonna answer it. I'm gonna tell you something first, and I'm gonna answer it. I am going to tell you that I was upset with myself for saying to you, and I needed to admit it out loud so that I could fix it. I needed to say to you that I was feeling overwhelmed, and I was feeling like parenting was enough. And that the blog, the vlog, the podcast, and all of our other ideas, the book, and all this other stuff that I have going on, I was wanting to, at that moment, throw it out the window and say, stop, stop, put the brakes on everything. My kids are home every day. It is enough for me. I pushed myself past that moment and I said, I am not doing that because this other stuff is good for me. And every time that I interview a guest, I am like, oh my God, that was amazing. I loved talking and meeting this woman and I love— I learned so much. And, you know, she's going through similar things or she taught me this and that and oh my God, that was so fun and inspiring. So every time I interview someone, I tell you, wow, that was awesome. So don't tell me that I don't tell you anything is awesome.

You are absolutely right. Well, see, you're setting me up now because if you do one interview a week, I hear about it once a week. So I would tell you, awesome, let's do more interviews so I hear about more happy stuff.

First of all, it's not— it has not been once a week.

I understand that, but you're telling— see what you're saying? I think it's for you. I think it is a forced way of getting— it's a coping skill for you. Yeah, the writing, the talking, the interviewing. Is all things that give you something that is solely for you. It's not for the kids, it's not for me, it's for you. You learn, you grow, you— and you make money helping people and inspiring people. And the change that I have seen in you, COVID aside, since the book came out and since people start— since you started getting regular sponsorship, um, has been huge. I mean, that's been absolutely incredible to watch the journey of your self-confidence and you're realizing to a small extent, but to an extent of how much you have to give and how awesome you are has been awesome to watch as you see the validation from the marketplace.

So I think that instead of viewing it as extra work that I don't have time for, I need to view it as their coping strategies for me and their stuff that makes you a better mother. Yeah.

It makes you a better mother, a better wife. Because you're doing something for yourself. I think it should be the business that we're building for you together. If you wanted to take the half-hour interview, the half-hour vlog, and the hours you spend on the blog and go to a spa before they close, um, that would still be for you. It might not energize you as much, but it would certainly relax you. So whatever the coping skill is that's positive, I don't care. I'm selfishly biased because this one makes us money, but Absolutely, I think you should do this and other coping skills.

Well, so I think that what, what we're saying is not only do we need to push ourselves to do things that make us a better parent, whether it be, you know, running or writing or reading or whatever that might be, we have to make sure that we're giving ourselves time for that, but we also need to spend time telling our spouses good things about our lives and our day and not always be venting our stress.

Yeah, so I absolutely agree with you because if all I hear is the same negativity every day, I'm not going to be as an effective listener or spouse if I'm like, I've heard this song before. There's got to be some ups to go with, there's got to be some other side of that coin, um, just for the sake of sanity in some way, shape, or form.

And I apologize, and I appreciate you making me more aware of how you're feeling because I don't think I knew that. I think I knew to an extent, but not to the extent that you're feeling. So I will try to share positives, and I will try to make sure— I think one of the things I'm not doing well is I want to hear about your day. I want to hear what you're doing. I want to hear what you're excited about. And I think you've been doing a great job of trying to tell me more details than it was, you know, than just, "It was an awesome day." Right?

I am working on increasing my communication to you.

So, okay, so we talked about marriage. Can we touch on parenting for a couple minutes?

Of course, it's your show. We can touch on whatever you want.

So why don't we talk about what we think that we're doing well and what we think we need to work on? Would you like to start or would you like me to start?

Ladies first. I went first, first time.

So I did something very unique on Friday. And I think I told you a little bit about this. I told you that Thursdays and Fridays have been challenging with the independent work with Lily and her not wanting to do it. So I decided on Friday, as a therapist who knows that it takes two to tango, one person is never the whole problem. So I decided that I was not going to look at Lily's faults or strengths. I was going to focus on myself and I was going to get more awareness of what I was doing wrong. Okay, and what I discovered in myself, what I'm doing right, is I am resetting a lot with her and with, and with everybody in my life. If I feel myself too stressed, I can feel myself resetting myself because I want to be in a good state for everyone. So what I'm doing right is resetting. What I am doing wrong is I am impatient with her. I have such stacked up baggage of it going poorly that I'm expecting it to go poorly. So I'm going in with a good attitude and it fades quickly when it starts to go south. So I'm being impatient. I'm expecting bad behavior and I'm not smiling and being sweet. She was begging me, "Mom, why do you look so annoyed? Mommy, smile. Just smile and just be happy and we are going to have a great day today." She was begging me to give her what she needed and I decided that it was time to look at myself and look in the mirror. What am I doing wrong? What am I going to do different? I am going to It's taking a lot of emotional strength, but I am going to smile more, use patient sweet language more, and see how— and see if it can be more effective with her. And every time that I hear myself start to fade into a negative place, I'm not going to yell at myself. I'm just going to be aware, and I'm going to rewind. And be sweet. And I appreciate that she was telling me what she needs. Our kids will tell us if we listen. They're telling us what they want from us, and she deserves to have a sweet, patient teacher. So that was eye-opening for me to just kind of look at myself on Friday.

That is fantastic. That is great awareness and introspection and coping skills, and I'm impressed. And I'm not Sure, I can top that.

I think that you are a fabulous father who is always trying to do better. And I would love to hear what you think you are doing well and what you think you need to work on, if you have it. And if you don't, that's okay.

Sure. So I recently, this week, I finished the book Extreme Ownership, which is one of my new favorite books, which is by two highly decorated Navy SEALs. And I think it's my favorite new favorite book on leadership. And I thought the concept that literally everything is your fault. Everything is my fault in my life. Everything is your fault in your life. And you know, if my team member doesn't do something right, it's not their fault for screwing it up. It's my fault for not training them right on how to, what my expectations were on how to do it.

Yeah.

So I think the no excuses. How is it your fault? And how do you have control over that? And how do you fix it? Applies incredibly well to parenting. So yes, her state isn't her fault. And I think you're about to interview someone on your— you would probably have whatever you're doing an upcoming interview on someone who we just listened to talk about this. So her state isn't her fault. No, if we take extreme ownership, it's our fault for putting her there in the first place. Or not helping her get out of it, or not training her on how to change her own emotions and not giving her the tools. Yeah, exactly. So with that, what I think I can— what I think I'm doing well is because I'm not home all day at the moment, I have way less emotional baggage with Lily than you do. So I've had as many fights every day, so I just— I have more tolerance. Like, I joke in my head, like, if you're 0 to 10 and 10 is super mad and 0 is perfectly happy, you may start the day with— you may start off with Lily, when you wake up you're at a 7 already, nothing's happened yet, just because of your pre-existing baggage. So all she's got to do is one thing and now you're front— and now you're in that state. Whereas I might start it at 0 or a 1, so I have a whole lot more tolerance than you do. So I think— and that's because I get to escape— I think that what I'm doing well is trying to give— make things fun for her, make her feel like she has control, make her feel like things are up to her, and try and— whether it's doing silly voices or giving ludicrous math examples that are funny or whatever it is, so that she has a different emotional experience and stays in that positive I think I'm good at that. I think— well, and you do a good job.

You do a good job of telling her, making her feel like she's in control by saying, do you want to start with math or do you want to start with science? Do you want to do this worksheet or do you want to do IXL? Like, you're doing a good job of making her feel like she's controlling the day.

Yes. And I also let her decide the reward for when she accomplishes something. I will— I forgot what I was about to say. I will do— oh, I tell her to teach me. I'm like, I don't understand this. Can you teach it to me? Can you tell me? And then she feels, oh, I get to be the teacher. So I think I do that well. I think I am always working on more patience, more tolerance. And as you remind me, more flexibility. Going with the flow more. Not being so rigid.

Yes. So, we've talked about Lily a lot. And I just want to touch on our two other fabulous children. We are blessed with three children. And Max is our oldest. Max is 13. And he is rocking remote learning. He is doing really well. And we're not talking about him because I don't necessarily think we're having challenges with him. I think our biggest challenge is getting him off the computer. And I said to him—

he may be rocking remote learning, isn't doing well at it, doesn't mean he's enjoying it, just mean he's doing well at it.

I think he's— I think if we brought him on right now, he would say he's totally fine with it. I think he likes to be in the classroom, but I think he is a homebody who really enjoys being in his bedroom on his computer doing remote learning. I don't think he's upset about it. I think our biggest challenge with him, which a lot of you can relate to, is making sure that he's physical. Okay.

Right.

So we have— so I said to him yesterday, my expectation is that you work out every other day, and I will get specific with him and I will enforce it, but I expect him to go in the basement and work out. And I don't want to slack, and I don't want to let him just sit on his computer. Computer 12 hours a day. That's not being a good parent. Okay? So, so that's Max. And then Ella is our middle child. Ella is 11. She does not like remote learning. And I think our biggest challenge with Ella is helping her through coping with the situation. Because while, you know, while Max is okay with it, And, you know, Lily hasn't really had it full-time, so we don't really know how it's going to go with Lily yet. Ella would tell us that she really does not enjoy it, so we are just trying to help her through it. And like some of the ways that I'm helping her through it is it's 1 o'clock in the afternoon and Ella is like, "Mom!" You know, I'm in the kitchen and she's in the dining room and she's yelling from the dining room and she's saying, "Mom, I can't do this anymore." Mom, I can't do it. I'm done. And I'll say to her, you have 2 more classes. You got this. You can do it. You're almost done. I can see the finish line. So I'm encouraging her. I'm trying to give her good lunches. I'm trying to talk to her throughout the day. She gets very excited to show me things. So she'll be like, oh my God, you're going to be able to see me do my presentation. Or Mom, come see this art project that I'm working on. So I make sure to go in and talk to her during the day. And just show interest to kind of help her through the day. And the other thing that I want to suggest to everyone is my girlfriend texted me and said, what do you think of, you know, these 4 Girl Scouts getting together and talking during lunchtime? And can we get them on FaceTime and can we get them talking? So Ella's friends all called her was it Friday? And they all talked during lunch. And I was so happy. Like, just because they're not at school doesn't mean they can't—

I didn't know that.

I did not know that.

That's a great idea.

So that was Karen's fabulous idea.

Hey, Karen.

And I said to— and I said to Kara today, we could be getting Lily and, you know, we could be getting our girls together during lunch, their lunch is at noon, let's get them on FaceTime and get them talking while they're eating. So let's, you know, try to be— let's try to help our kids through this. Ask them what they need. If they don't know what they need, think about your particular kid and what you think would help them. Maybe it's a FaceTime call with a friend. I have another friend who lets a friend come over, a particular friend comes over and does the school day with her child. So they're sitting next to each other. On their Zooms all day. They don't have to have the same schedule. They have headphones. I know we're supposed to be keeping our distance from people, so I know a lot of people aren't comfortable with that. I'm just throwing out stuff I've been hearing from parents. So I hope that Seth and I have been helpful to you. You are not alone. We are all going through this together. I know how challenging it is. Seth, is there anything that you want to touch on before we end up—

and no, before we wrap up? No, those were creative ideas. I had not, I had not heard them. I think they're great suggestions for people to come up with other ideas to help make things work. And yeah, we hope we inspired you. We hope you helped you, and we're in it together.

So, honey, thank you so much for joining me and being my first repeat guest. I had a fabulous time. I learned more about you and what you need. And we will definitely do this again. So this is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast, reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.