The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 068 Work/Life Balance for Boss Moms

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

This is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast, and I am so excited because I have Dr. Liz Mathias on with me today. Hi, Liz. Hi, thank you so much for being here with me today.

Thank you for inviting me. This is exciting.

So exciting. Dr. Liz is a licensed clinical psychologist and certified school psychologist. She has worked in the public schools as a member of the child study team as well as the coordinator of the child study team. During her tenure in private In— oh, I'm screwing up. During her tenure in private school, she served as the team leader to provide supports to teachers and paraprofessionals, emotional support to parents, and school-based counseling for students, as well as behavior management. While working within the schools, she maintained her private practice work part-time until 2012. Since then, she has expanded the practice to include a team of therapists who have expertise in areas of child, adolescent, and young adult therapy such as play therapy, parent coaching, family therapy, and executive functioning coaching. Wow, that was a mouthful. I didn't do that justice, but that is quite the resume.

Oh, thank you, thank you. It's very gratifying to do the work that we do. Because we get to meet with parents and kids and make a difference for them at home and at school. And I also do psychoeducational testing, and that is like a big puzzle where I get to figure out what's going on with a student and what they need emotionally and academically, behaviorally, socially. And, and so we take all those parts and we really integrate them in order to get an understanding of what our kids need. And, you know, as a mom of 3, as you are too, you know developmental needs are very different from child to child. And like we were saying, having 3 children and a business is like a circus every day, to say it politely.

Well, you're doing a great job with your circus, and I remind myself every day when my tween rolls her eyes that it's developmentally appropriate.

Yes, they should be rolling their eyes at us. They shouldn't like us too much.

It's true. It's true. I would love to start at the beginning because I would love to know what inspired you to pursue this field of work.

I just have been a very introspective person as like from child. I think from the time I was born, if I could remember that far back, but just a very introspective person. I've come to realize over time that I'm an empath. So I'm very sensitive and I feel other people's energy and it took me years to put a label on that and to really understand how I feel other people's energy and I feel what they're feeling and learning to separate what's out, what's mine from what's someone else's and then teaching that to my own children and the children that we work with and the parents that we work with. So it's kind of been something that's been very much a part of my fabric from the beginning of time. Time. And so it just made sense. I went to college, I took a general psych course, and it clicked for me in such a way. And I had gone in with the intent to go into the field of law because it's what my father had wanted me to do. And so my thought was, I'll incorporate psychology and law and do forensic work, and realize that was not for me at all. I loved understanding children and really intervening at that, at those in very important times in their development and helping to make positive changes that impact them well into their adolescence and adulthood. So it's been— it's— I love what I do. I say that all the time. I genuinely love what I do.

Well, that's an amazing feeling to love what you do. And I tell my kids every day, just find something that you're gonna love doing every day.

Yep. Yep.

So I listened to you talk about your practice in an interview, and I was tearing up because You, you, what, what exactly did you say? You said you didn't think you would be able to open up your private practice. And I want to ask you, how did you fight those voices and proceed ahead anyway?

So it was in 2012, 2011, 2012. I was working in a private school and my private practice work, which I always did very much on the side, like one night in the evening, saw one or two people without doing any marketing. All of a sudden people were coming in, like people started referring each other to me. And I really got to a point where the number of people that I was trying to see each night was so great that I was working all day and all night. And I thought, I don't want to do this. And it's too much for me because now I'm not as active as I want to be with my children. And so I really went back and forth with, do I leave my job in the school and pursue private work? Full-time. And I have to tell you, I labored on that decision for probably a good solid year. Um, I prayed about it, I meditated on it. Um, and then I found out I was pregnant with my third in March of 2012. And at that point I was like, maybe I do need to pursue the private practice because there's no way in hell I'm ever going to be able to go anywhere on time ever again with 3 kids. And at that point, I was like, how am I ever going to get in anywhere and be able to get 3 children where they need to be? So I was really, really pregnant in that— during that summer, because my son was born in December of 2012. And I just went out and I marketed like crazy to pediatricians. And here I am with this big belly and people are like trying to pretend like they don't see it. And they're like looking me in the eye and not looking at the belly. And then a couple of people were like, so when is this happening? And I was like, this is happening in December, but I plan on returning to the office relatively quickly. And I did within 6 weeks.

I had the—

That's impressive. It was horrible and I'd never do it again. It was horrible and I'd never do it again. But by February, I had a home office established and I had a babysitter that took care of the baby while I was in the office, and it was a big, big juggling act, but I did it and it slowly grew. So 5 years into it, was out of this room here, which used to be my dining room. And 5 years, my kids' needs were growing in the evening and I really couldn't meet that need. And I thought, you know, I can't keep turning people away. This doesn't feel good to me. To not be able to help when I know I can. So I got to a point where I had to make a decision again. Do I shut down the practice or do I find someone to take over the evening work? And so I put it out there to the universe and very fortunately I was able to find someone. And then one person became two, became three, became four. I'm up to six therapists and an office manager. And it's been a really amazing journey. Like I'm, I'm not a business owner. I wasn't trained to be a business owner.

Yeah.

And, um, I'm a business owner.

So you're learning to be a business owner, or you've learned, I should say.

Every day is a big learning curve, and I don't mind the challenge of learning new things. Um, but it's definitely like, I'm not, I'm not trained to be a, uh, how to learn about, you know, to do marketing and all that stuff. I know how to be a clinician. That's what I'm trained to do. So to me, it's a big, again, a big balancing act between running the practice versus being the clinician and doing what I know how to do.

That leads me to what advice do you have to someone who wants to expand and grow their work? So someone working in the business world, what advice do you have?

So that's a tough one because I know a lot of people when they— I've watched my colleagues go into private work, private practice work, and they have amazing plans, like business plans and proposals and vision boards. And I'm very, I'm very envious of that. I'm not gonna lie, because it's not the way I function at all. And for me, it's really been do what I know how to do, see what the next need is, and then grow that way. So I'm growing based on the need and the demand. Versus creating a goal up front and then working towards that goal. So when people say to me, what's your 5-year plan? I'm like, let's talk about my 5-day plan.

Oh my God, I'm with you. I totally agree with that. And there are people who have it all mapped out. It's true.

Yeah. And I'm really envious of those people because I'm like, that's great. Like you have pictures and images to kind of guide you. And I know that works, but I think just given the fact that my kids are my priority, absolutely they're my priority. So whatever needs to happen really happens around my 3 kids' needs. And that's, that's how the practice has evolved. And it wasn't like, oh, in 5 years I want to have X number of therapists. It was, I want to be able to be available in the evening to take my kids to wherever they need to go and for us to do things and have dinner together. And, you know, I think everyone, you know, when I, I remember I had a friend very clearly state to me, I was working in the public school, and she said to me, do you think you'll ever do private practice work? And I looked around and said, no, why would I do that?

Man, I ate those words.

It was like a matter of maybe 4 years from that point, maybe 3 or 4 years from that point where I started the private practice work. And I'm, and I always look back in amazement because I don't think I really have noticed how much, how far I've gotten in that and where I am. I really look at it in terms of how am I going to do what I love doing, but also being here as a mom and being available to my kids from day to day in the morning before school and after school and in the evening and just being a part of their daily life, which to me is of utmost importance.

Well, and my husband doesn't like when I use the word balance. Okay. Like you're bringing up the, he doesn't believe in that word. He says he believes in priorities.

And priorities. I like that.

He's like, no, you're not balancing life. You're prioritizing life.

But I think I'm flying by the seat of my pants through life.

I love that. Oh my gosh. So to all the parents listening, you have this amazing practice. You have these 3 amazing kids. Tell us how you are balancing or managing the— I probably shouldn't swear— the S-H-I-T show that we both—

Let's call it what it is. It's a mega shit show. And so when I said, you know, it's like, how do you find balance? I'm going to tell you, there's no balance. We kind of find it. We find where we need to be each day and hope we make it to the end of the day.

I know. Oh my God, we're living the same life. I love it.

So I think if I can give some advice to parents who are like, this day was so chaotic and there are so many things that didn't go as I had planned it. I say be forgiving because if you have 3 children and you're running a business, it's a lot. It's a lot that you're balancing and you're trying, or just trying to get through and meet everybody's needs. And be forgiving, be patient. Our children are going to grow one day and they're not going to need us as much. And I, you know, I just see that between my 3 children, how as they get older, they kind of need me less physically, they need me more emotionally, and it's not even for long periods of time like when they're younger. And so I'm just very aware, very aware of that, that this is all very time limited.

It's true, it is so true, and it's going by way too fast for my liking.

Me too. I mean, I constantly tell my kids, shake my hand, swear to me you're not going to grow anymore beyond here today. And they're like, uh-huh. Sure. I know, I look at my 8-year-old and I'm like, you grew more, you got taller while you were sleeping, your foot got bigger while you were sleeping, and your left foot is bigger than your right foot.

Oh my goodness. Well, it has been quite the year for everyone, and the word that keeps coming up that almost every parent brings to me is that their children are suffering from anxiety. Yeah. So, you know, I mean, it's probably the biggest complaint right now. What would you tell these parents? Can you give them one tip to help them with their children's anxiety?

I think the biggest thing you can do is really talk to your kids and find out what's triggering their anxiety instead of guessing. And I say this all the time, I hear myself saying it all the time. If you don't know what's going on with your child, ask them. Don't guess. Ask them what's— and questions, I think, are the best way to approach. So it's not, I think you're worried. Instead, it's, what are you worried about today? What are your worries? Tell me what's weighing you down today. And changing the language based on the age of your child. But ask them. And then if it surpasses anything that you can handle, that's when you seek professional help. But if it's something like, I'm worried that we're going to get sick because of the virus, that was a big one for a really long time, right? And at this point in time, I think the numbers are definitely in our favor. And just kind of pointing out the facts, pointing out the stats as they stand right now, and taking a look around us and thinking about— and here's another conversation that I had this morning that I thought was really so true, is someone said to me, we didn't really get to go on that off-ramp. From this, from all of the quarantine and social distancing. Like, we basically were just like, here you go, world's open, come on in. And there was no progression. And I think that also perpetuated a great deal of anxiety of like, so what's okay? Like, do I just take off the mask? Do I invite people in? Do we have gatherings? Do we eat together? And that has been such a huge topic for so many people. And it really— there's no right answer. The right answer is what you're comfortable with, what you and your family are comfortable with. So when your children are expressing a lot of anxiety, ask them, what's worrying you? You know, writing it down, having like a worry box or a worry journal so that they can write down or you can write down for them what they're worried about so that you can problem solve, if you can problem solve, or present them with facts. And, and see if that helps. And again, if, if it doesn't, that's when, you know, you need to find someone who can really help to ease and cope with the anxieties based on what's going on around us. That's good advice.

It was— you're so spot on because my children were going to school 2 days a week, and then all of a sudden they opened to 5 days a week, and my 12-year-old looked at me and was like, am I going to be safe? I was like, oh, she's so worried. And I'm like, what do you have control over? You are wearing your mask, you're washing your hands, you're gonna be okay. And she was like, I hope you're right.

And you know, and the facts also are, is that the facts are, I should say, I'm trying to say so much and it's coming out all kind of jumbled, is that a lot of our kids did get the virus. Like I know my younger two got it and it was like a cold for them. They, they were, they got through it easily. So what, but I know some kids get it worse, but bottom line is there are a lot of people around us who got it and got through it.

That is so true. So true. That is exactly what my brother kept telling me every time I got anxious. He was like, do you know how many clients I've been around who have had it and they're okay? I'm like, thank you. You are absolutely right.

Yeah. My, my neighbor has like a 93-year-old relative who got it and got through it. And I, and so to me, I was like, well, she can get through it. I can get through it. Right. I know.

I know. Exactly. So, okay. That leads to socialization this year. Socialization this year was not a good thing. And I think that people are starting to get back to it. So can we talk about what we can tell parents to help them get their kids back to socializing?

I think create the opportunities comfortably in your home. It's like, I know I have my children prefer to have their friends come here versus them going somewhere else. If that's your child, then invite friends over. I think social anxiety is at an all-time high right now. Yeah, because A lot of the social anxiety came down significantly when we went into quarantine because there was no opportunity. You couldn't go and socialize. So a lot of children's anxiety came down. But now it's coming back up of like, I don't know how to act. So creating scripts for our kids, you know, well, what do you— let's role play. What do you anticipate a social situation is going to look like? And then giving our children lines. I'm a big fan of lines so that you have these lines ready and you're not thinking in the moment when your anxiety is high and you can't process. That's just the way I know I am, is that when my anxiety is high, I can't process, I can't formulate sentences. But if I have these lines prepared, then I know what to say, right? So, hey, how you been? What you been up to? How, how, you know, having lines ready So that you're not walking in going, and then there's just this blank stare, which happens, right? Because we've kind of forgotten how to be the social creatures that we naturally are because we, we tried to stay safe. And so creating, so even starting with like one child in your home and then expanding it to maybe two and then three, and then meeting up in public places or saying, do you, you know, if the invitation is reciprocated, allowing your child to go and letting them know that it's okay by you. They're going to be— they're safe. And secondly, you know, wherever they're telling you they're struggling— I don't know how to maintain a conversation— and I always liken conversations to like a ping pong game. So you ask a question and the person answers it, and then they may ask you a question and you answer it, and it just goes back and forth. And when that lull comes and you don't know what to say, other people love to Other people love to talk about whatever thought you may be having, and they'll tell you what they're thinking. And so that's a very natural way to keep the flow of conversation going. If you don't have anything to say and the conversation is taking a natural lull, ask a question.

I will tell that to my 12-year-old. I'm laughing right now because she says to me, "You just talked to your friend for hours." She's like, "What did we even talk about?" She's like, how do you do that?

Everything, anything, whatever comes to mind. But when you— but think about it, you didn't think about what you were going to say because you have confidence in your ability to maintain the conversation, and you have enough of a relationship with your friend where you know that you'll be able to have lots of things to talk about. And when the conversation comes to an end, you feel comfortable saying, all right, I'm gonna go now, right? Our children don't necessarily have, haven't had that in a long time. Right. And I was just having the same conversation with my son and he's like, I don't know how to end the conversation when I'm standing with someone. And I said to him, like, you can say like, hey, I'm going to go now. I'll see you later. And they need those words. You're right. They do.

They don't know what to say.

Right. And our kids are very invested in the social media. A lot of the time, and I really feel that comes at a detriment to them, because when things get awkward, you turn on your phone and you turn your attention here. So now you're not listening, you're not interacting. It's, it's good and bad because it gives a lot of kids who would normally not know what to do with their hands and their bodies something to do, but it's also a very easy way out.

Well, and they're hiding behind it instead of seeing people in person. And I keep saying it doesn't count. It counts a tiny bit, but you have to see people.

Agreed. Agreed. You need to see people.

You need— we need to see people. You have so much school experience in the schools, and I will tell you, I have had so many parents say to me, I have a school meeting. How am I going to get their needs met? So hard. Can you please give these parents some tips how to get their children's needs met?

If you're not super comfortable with the special education law that comes with getting, um, having an IEP, an individualized education plan, um, find someone like an advocate or maybe an educational psychologist who does understand the law. Because the one thing that is not— first of all, a lot of schools were shut down, and so they're super behind on their testing. So this past year, there's a lot of dodging of like, let's wait, let's wait, let's wait, let's wait, with the hopes of delaying it long enough that they can catch up on all the cases that they didn't test. And so then a lot of parents ended up coming to someone like myself where I tested them and then guided them on how to go back to the child study team. Most of the time, the child study teams will take my reports and then give the child an IEP, and now we've kind of bypassed the whole child study team having to— getting them to agree to tests. So become familiar with the special education law, the child study teams, and not, not all the time they're not going to be that forthcoming. They're not going to tell you what programs they have available. They're going to— or what's— what the menu of options are per se. They're going to tell you what they have established And they're, unfortunately, and this is, you know, not to put down anyone anywhere, it's just the nature of the, of the system, is they tell you what they have available so that child can fit into it, not necessarily what, what you may know that your child needs a different plan or a different program. So having been a school psychologist, I feel very, very blessed to know this stuff and to be able to make recommendations in my reports to say like, this is a child who will be eligible under this category, and this is the program they need, these are here are the related services they need, and here's a list of accommodations for their IEP. So I— my reports are very child study team friendly so that a school psychologist, a social worker, and learning specialist can take it and just incorporate it into an IEP with ease.

Okay, so, so really we need to educate ourselves. We need to know, we need to know, we need to know what could— what is available, because we don't. Most of us parents don't know.

The special education law is It's this book. I know in New Jersey, it's this book that's available online, and it's a lot of words. And unless you truly understand the process, it doesn't make a lot of sense. So, you know, consult with someone who does understand the law. Let them explain to you how the process works and what your child may be eligible for and what to ask for. Because again, they're not going to be forthcoming and saying, well, we have this, this, and this option available. Which one do you like? They're they're just not going to. And I've had a lot of parents say, how come they never said, you know, this is what my child needs? You got to put— you got to be your kid's best advocate.

For sure. Such good advice. I love that. Um, we talked about balancing. Let's talk about coping skills. What are your favorite coping skills for yourself?

So self-care right now more than ever is so important for us. Yeah, I say that and I smile because I wish I could fit in more self-care time.

I know, I know.

So like, I'm speaking on my behalf. I know there are probably a lot of moms who just, they just need quiet. They need to disengage from everybody in the house, everything in the house, the business, the phones, the computers, and just be able to do whatever they want to do. And I know I've stayed up way later than I wanted to just because everybody was asleep. Asleep and the house was quiet, and I craved that silence.

You are not the first mother to tell me that. I know, we just, we just want some quiet. I realized that I had 2 hours alone in my house, and that never happens. And I was like, wow, wow, wow.

I think I drooled a little bit when you said that.

Oh my gosh. So what is the best advice you have ever been given?

Be kind to yourself, be patient, be forgiving. I'm sure I know that a lot of the moms that are out there that are, that have a business, you're high achievers, you have high standards, you want to cram in as much as you can in a day. You're multitasking 3 and 4 things at the same time and trying to get it all done. And I think, you know, be realistic in what you can do and be forgiving of yourself with whatever needs to wait until the next day. And I'm, this is, I'm speaking about myself. I'm me. I'm talking about me right now. It's really hard because I want to accomplish a lot. I know there are deadlines. I know there are timelines. I know there are things that are best done now versus later. And I don't do well with unfinished tasks. But if you own a business, you realize everything is an unfinished task.

Yes, I know.

Until it gets finished and then there's the next unfinished thing. But if I could, you know, just, I'll speak to all of us who are the high achievers who want to get it all done is it's okay. Be realistic. Things do get done. In the end, they do get done. And if they don't, then it probably wasn't that important.

Right. Yes. Great advice. Well, what else do you want to share that I didn't think to ask you? Anything else?

I think we need to give ourselves a lot of credit as moms. Yeah, we're really— we're doing a lot each day. And I think we tend to be very negative and critical of ourselves because we're— if you want to run a business, that means you're not giving 100% to your kids. If you're home with your children, then you're not, you know, building your career or your business. And I think that we're really hard on ourselves. And to just, again, be compassionate, be kind to yourself as you would speak to a friend of yours who's going through this. You would— you would say to a friend, be realistic in what you can get done today. And, you know, your children are going to be fine. They're going to be well because you care and you're there and you're teaching them what it is to be someone who has goals and to want to work towards your goals. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Yes, we all need to take that in. I'm taking it all in.

It's not easy. Like, you have to remind yourself about that again and again and again and say, all right, today I didn't get as much done as I wanted to, but that's okay. Like, I know I have days where I end up doing more for the kids and the house than I do the, the business, and then there are days where I do a lot for the business and less for the kids in the house. And that's just what's going to happen. You're going to seesaw, and it's true, it's going to be okay.

Well, and at the end of the day, I noticed that I was always criticizing myself. I didn't do this, I didn't do this. And I would be like, okay, stop. What did you do? What did you do? And it's okay, right?

And to tell yourself, you're awesome and you're great.

Yes, you did this.

Think, look at this long list of things you did get done, and here you are putting yourself down for these 3 things that you didn't do. Come on, what about the 20 things you did do? And believe me, exactly, constant it's a constant mind battle of like, wait, but focus on what you did do because putting yourself down, why? Exactly.

Exactly. Well, tell everyone where to go and find you.

I'm at, um, I'm in New Jersey and my website is www.psychedconsult.com. The name of the practice is Psychological and Educational Consulting. Um, I also have an email, drliz@psychedconsult.com. You can also find me on all the social media channels, and we blog a lot. I blog a lot. We try to keep information out there for parents on a very regular basis, just because we know that parents are seeking the information, and if we can help a little bit, then we'll do everything we can. So yeah, find me on social media, email me, go to the website. You'll find my email address there and phone number, and reach out.

Well, go find Dr. Liz. She's awesome. And I want to thank you so much. This was so much fun. Oh, likewise.

It was so nice to have this time to speak with you.

So nice. Well, this is Rebecca Green reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe. So you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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