The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 006 The Diary of a Bonus Mom

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello, this is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast. Today we have Marissa Donnelly with us. Thank you so much, Marissa, for joining us. Joining me. Marissa is a writer, editor, licensed teacher, and founder of Be a Light Collective, a writing, editing, and tutoring services company based in Southern California. Marissa is the founder of Momish Moments, a vertical dedicated to empowering journeys of motherhood, and co-founder of Step-by-Step Parents, a resource platform for blended families. That is a lot of stuff that you have going on. Before I even ask you about this awesome list of businesses, I just want to tell you how jealous I am that you are in California right now. I see the sun shining behind you and I wish I was there with you.

It's a hot day today.

Is it hot?

It is. It's like we're having a heat front right now. So it's like a great thing, but also a little much.

Yes, yes, I understand. Well, we're moving into fall and I'm in Buffalo, New York and we're moving into fall so it's a little chilly today. So I'm definitely missing the summer, but I want to ask you, tell us how you started these businesses.

Well, my original business, so Be A Light Collective is my main business and it really started just out of a desire to blend my passions for both writing and teaching together because I loved being in the classroom, but I loved writing and I didn't want to give up one for the other. The other. So that really started because I wanted to kind of blend it and then also just create a space where I could work individually with creators and help them with their writing, help people with resumes, help people build their businesses. And when I was working prior to starting my business, I was working for a big name magazine. And when you work for a bigger company, it tends to be accept and reject when it comes to people's writing content. And I just hated that process. I really wanted to invest in people and actually help them figure out, okay, how can I make my writing better? So that really started the Be a Light business. And then just also wanting to create a positive and safe space on the internet where people could feel like they could collaborate and connect with like-minded entrepreneurs and business owners. And I'm actually in the process of rebranding to make it more of a creative marketplace to kind of share and create a hub for people's products and ideas. Um, so it's kind of ever-evolving, but I just really wanted it to be a business that was invested in relationship-focused services. So not just, you know, accept and reject, or here's your comments on your piece, but really getting to know people.

That's wonderful. And then it sounds like it branched into more businesses.

Yes.

So then how, then how did it, um, evolve into more? Yeah.

So Be A Light Collective is what I do, like my full-time job. And then all of the other things kind of branch from that because I just have always been multi-passionate. And even with, even with the different facets of Be A Light Collective, I actually started the parenting sites and verticals because I met my boyfriend and his son almost 4 years ago and became just automatically in getting close to them, became a bonus mom. So my boyfriend and I are not married, but I am raising his child with him. And we have him 100% of the time. So it was like a catapult into this crazy journey of, oh, I'm a mom now. And how do I manage my business and my motherhood journey? And what does it really mean to like step into this role? Um, uh, my, my son's mom is still in the picture, but we have him full-time. So it's like the, the balance of, you know, what do you do with other people in the story and how do you figure out your own journey? Um, and so I just found myself as a writer, like writing through all of those different emotions and conflicts and situations. And so I just wanted to create a space for other people in my shoes and specifically for other bonus parents who you're maybe not married into the family, you're not a stepparent, but you're not nobody, you know, you play a significant role. So just giving a voice to people. And then as it grew, just creating a space for parents of all different walks of life and, you know, stepparents, blended families, that's where Step by Step Parents grew because I wanted to also focus on the blended family experience. And so, yeah, these different verticals just kind of were born of the passion of writing about these different things. And yeah, so it's just, it's become like another element to the business because I help a lot of writers with their writing content about parenting. So it's become part of the business, but really it's less of a business and more of like an authentic place for people to just share their heart because we're all going through so many different crazy experiences, especially now with COVID Absolutely.

And there's so many blended families. We know so many of them. So there's such a need for them to have somewhere to go for help. So that is wonderful that you're giving them a place where they can learn more about how you're, how you're doing it. And I'm listening to you talk about your businesses and your son and your boyfriend, and I'm, and I know that most mothers would want to know How do you manage to juggle it all? 'Cause it's not easy.

The short answer is I don't. And then the long answer is, I think like we have to be very honest about that because it's always like you look at somebody else's journey and you're like, wow, they have it so together. Like, how do they do that? And I think like social media especially, and then in creating the verticals myself, like of course if you go to my page, like I try to be really honest about like the hard things, but you will still go and see pictures of my family for the most part looking happy, right? Because we want to put that on the internet. So in creating a vertical, like I realized, okay, you know, as much as I want to be vulnerable and authentic, there's still that element of comparison that we're all going to do where, you know, my journey looks different. Am I failing? Am I enough? You know, we always have that little soundtrack going on in our heads. So I think we have to be really honest and understand that like, No, we're not juggling at all. Like maybe I'm like getting through the days, but I like, we all have our challenging moments. So for, for me, the biggest thing was like stop comparing my journey to somebody else's first of all. And then also like creating healthy boundaries. That was the hardest part for me. Cause I really just dove into the motherhood journey where it wasn't, I always told my boyfriend, I'm like, I didn't have like the 9 months of, you know, preparing for my child to be born. And then, you know, my boyfriend's son is 11 now. So I didn't have like, you know, the 8 years of mistakes and trials and errors, it was like, cool, I'm in it now and I have to figure this out. So yeah, creating boundaries was a big thing for me. Like, what can I do? What can't I do? What's my job? What's not? That was really hard. And then just figuring out like pockets of time that are for me. Like, one of the things that I've discovered with COVID is I have to continue to prioritize myself and what I need to get done for my business. So I've shifted like my whole circadian rhythm, if you will. And I'm literally waking up at like 2:00 AM every day, which is crazy. But I'm going to bed like way earlier than I ever have so that I have like from 2:00 to 7:00 of like uninterrupted, nobody's awake, me and the dog looking at each other, time to write. And that helps me to get my business goals out of the way so that when I have time for, you know, when it comes time for school, I'm homeschooling right now. So then I have a priority of homeschool and then I have time to like actually have fun with my family and things like that. So you just have to figure out what works for you and then be willing to kind of adjust and also like rest when you need it.

Yes. Yes. So with, with COVID still, you know, kind of going on everywhere, what is the school situation where you're living? You said you're homeschooling, so he's not going to any sort of school outside of the home right now?

No. So that was kind of another, another little side story of how Be a Light is forever growing.

I—

so my main business, Be a Light, also offers tutoring services. And I'm a teacher. So that was like a facet of the business that I didn't want to give up. And then with everything going on with COVID so everybody was doing distance learning at the end of last year and it just wasn't working for my son and it wasn't working for me because I would have to sit with him and help him through the sessions and then reteach everything because he has learning disabilities. So it was just, there was just a gap. Yeah, it just wasn't working. And it, and you know, nobody's fault, it just, it wasn't the right system for him and for a lot of other kids as well. So as we were like preparing for this year, I was just thinking this, you know, how can I make this work? And the thought of homeschooling came up. And long story short, I decided that that was the best move And after talking to my boyfriend, he decided it's also the best move. So I kind of took Be a Light Collective, did another pivot with it, and then created a homeschool program that actually— I have 6 kids and they are all in person. And it's— we've kind of created our own little pod where we're adhering to our protocol and we're all staying, you know, tight within our pod to protect each other. And it's turned out to be such a blessing because a couple of the other students either have learning disabilities or just couldn't access the distance learning. So they are all fully enrolled. I got a private school affidavit and we're doing the thing. And it's been such a crazy, but such an amazing opportunity to see these kids and have my own classroom, but where I really have ownership of how they're navigating this time, which is so stressful for all of them. So—

Well, that's wonderful that they have you and that they have each other. Because, you know, my middle schoolers are home doing remote learning right now, and not having the connection of their peers being in school is, you know, not so good for them. So you've created that environment for your son at home, and that sounds pretty perfect to me.

It was fun. It's, it's a challenge, and, you know, there's still the stress of the virus, and, you know, what happens if it gets too close to home and all of that stuff, but I think like the priority for me was just trying to figure out how we could make it work with the learning disabilities especially, and just kind of jumping in and figuring it out from there. Don't have it all perfect, but, you know, week by week doing my best.

I bet it's wonderful, and it definitely does not need to be perfect. So my question is, for everyone listening, are you offering tutoring services to people, you know, like me from let's say one of my kids in Buffalo, New York, are you doing it remotely? Are you, are you offering tutoring services?

Yes. My goal with the school was to offer a space for people to connect, like, virtually to the actual school day and then to offer outside tutoring services. So those are both options that I have right now. And my kind of long-term goal is to take some of the content that we're doing at the school and make it available for kids, like, in the form of, like, videos that they can watch and things like that. I'm trying to do that, but my priority is just making sure that the school is running. And then my goal after that is, you know, as we finish up different projects, like, prepackaging those things to send to parents, because I just feel like the virus has created a lot of gaps, unfortunately, and just having extra resources to, you know, supplement learning and just to help parents. Because if you're not a teacher, especially, like, it's really hard to know what to do. And I mean, even as a teacher, I don't know 100% what to do all the time. So just having extra resources, I think, is so valuable. So yeah, those are both things that I'm offering.

So as far as the pandemic and parenting, do you feel like your biggest adjustment in your parenting has been with teaching him, or do you feel like there's things outside of teaching that you've also had to adjust?

It's a great question. I think the teaching is huge, but I think like beyond the teaching, which is like the more obvious one, it's just the new roles that the pandemic has created for, I think, you know, not only my experience, but I really think all parents because, you know, it depends on your situation at home. Like, I worked from home previously, so when the pandemic happened, my boyfriend's a scuba diver, so he is He's in the water all day. Wow.

That's awesome. Yeah.

It's such a neat job, but, but for him it was, you know, they were still open there, you know, they were an essential business, so he was out of the house. So it kind of naturally pivoted to, well, I'm working from home. So yeah, of course I'm going to stay with Austin. Um, and, and that was a huge shift in just the dynamic of our relationship. Like really all the, all the relationships in the house, but that was kind of like, it had to happen. And then it was just different to go from, yes, I'm your mother figure to, oh, I'm your mother figure and I'm your full-time disciplinarian and now I'm your teacher and I'm also, you know, going to coordinate all your playdates and we're going to drive each other crazy, you know. So that for me was a big adjustment because I was already still adjusting to the role. Like, I still am every day adjusting to the role that I play in his life and what that means as we get into more complicated you know, topics and conversations and situations. And then with the pandemic, it was difficult because now I'm your 100% person. And it was wonderful, but it was hard at times because, you know, you need a break sometimes. And with other, like, relatives in the area who were very quarantined because of high risk, it was really me and him kind of day in and day out, which was a challenge for both of us, you know.

Yes.

And I know a lot of parents can relate to that. And, you know, and everybody's unique situation.

Yes, it's definitely been challenging. Is he— does he seem to be doing okay adjusting to everything? How would you say he's doing?

I feel like kids are so resilient. I've talked to a lot of like parents and people in my circle, and I think all the kids have different things that they're struggling with. Like something I've noticed just in my homeschool pod is like the social aspect is really hard, like the awareness of you know, how are things that I'm saying affecting other people? And I think, like, with the pandemic and kind of being isolated for a while and then kind of coming back into social situations, it's really challenging for all, at least all the kids in my school, to, like, think about, oh, that might have been hurtful, or like, oh, if I say, you know, this was easy, but it's not easy for somebody else, that might hurt their feelings. So that's been a thing that I've noticed that a lot of kids are struggling with. But I I'm so proud. I think that like kids are just so much more resilient than we give them credit for sometimes. Like, I think I struggled a lot more than Austin did. And I mean, yeah, I had more stress, you know, financially and emotionally. But I think that like with kids, they're kind of, they kind of accept life and they take so much from us. So if we're like, okay, we're going to get through this, you know, then they're like, yeah, this is fine.

This is great. It's so true. It is so true. I keep telling everybody that they're, they're modeling us and that these parents who are making this huge giant deal over being stuck home every day, then their kids are upset. And there's parents who are just rolling with it and want their kids home and their kids are doing better. So I totally think they take the lead from us. You're absolutely right. I saw that you have a podcast, the vulnerability podcast, which is such a cool title. Can you tell us about that?

Yeah, another offshoot of Be Like Collective, another passion project. I've been a writer for forever and I really wanted to challenge myself to speak like openly and be even more vulnerable. So I created it several years ago. I think I launched in 2018 with a good guy friend. And we just really wanted to go back and forth on like, what's the female perspective? What's the male perspective? Let's just be really open. So we tackled a lot of topics. And then, you know, life got busy and it kind of changed. And now I'm, I'm still doing it and having different guests come on and just really like asking people, you know, what's their story? Because as a writer, like, your story is everything. I think my story has evolved so many times. And for me, that's been interesting to like, go through my own experience, but to also hear other people's stories, like what makes you passionate? Why did you start your business? You know, what's the hardest moment in your life? I've had the privilege of interviewing people who have talked about sexual assault and trauma and divorce and like really heavy things. But just finding like the beauty in that and just finding the beauty in being vulnerable. So it's really opened my eyes to like how much power vulnerability really has in our lives. And if we are sharing our story, how, how many connections we can build. You know, to people we've never met.

Yes, that is so true. Someone just told me today that the more authentic we are, the more people want to hear from us and learn from us. So it sounds like you're nailing it. That's great. I love— I was so drawn in just by the title. I love the title. Thank you. So you touched on this a little bit with everything you're going through. What would you say right now is your biggest challenge?

Um, I feel like I have a different answer for this every day, but if I'm being really honest with how I've been feeling, like, in the last 24 hours, I think just finding the energy to stay positive and encouraged, like, just in this, you know, in today, I went from being so like emotionally exhausted to like being physically exhausted to like taking a moment to rest and then kind of like, okay, you know, like pep talk, let's do this, to like getting through the school day to like feeling low again. So it's just like the ups and downs. And I think because there's so much, so many unknowns with the virus and, you know, when are things going to open back up? What's going to be normal? What, you know, what's my, what's my plan? I'm a planner, so it's very hard sometimes to like not have that plan. So I think just struggling with like finding the, the grace for myself when I'm feeling low to be like, you know what, it's okay that you're feeling low. Like, yes, you still have things you need to do, but like you can feel sad and you can have a bad day and, you know, the kids can watch a 10-minute movie in class while you collect, you know, things like that. Yeah, yeah. I think I just try to push through sometimes and try to always be like, all right, you know, pep talk, I can do this. And sometimes I think like we just need to be whatever we're being. And I'm such a preacher of that in my writing and on my platforms. But to really take it to heart and say like, Marissa, it's okay to be sad. It's okay to go back to bed for 30 minutes. You know, I just really need to learn that. And I hope that as I encourage others to do that, that I can actually take my own advice. It can be like a cycle.

Yes, and you're helping me because I'm, I'm so uncomfortable if I'm not happy and smiley and peppy. If, if I'm sad, if I'm grumpy, if I'm cranky, I'm so uncomfortable feeling those emotions. And I don't necessarily know that we were given permission to feel like that. So I think I always think I have to be cheery. So you're giving me permission. I don't want to be like that every day, but you're giving me permission sometimes to just allow myself to be sad.

Yeah, that's powerful. I think we make our identities out of certain things. So I'm really resonating with what you're saying. Like, you don't feel like yourself when you're not happy. And I think that's where my pressure comes. It's like, well, I'm supposed to be this person who's always happy. And it's like, no, that's not real.

Well, and we can't be happy every day. I would love to be happy 24 hours a day. I just, Yeah.

It would also be boring to an extent, you know.

Well, you know, I have told my husband so many times that I feel things so deeply. So, he loves when I am so happy and so loving. Well, I feel everything deeply. So, I feel sadness deeply and I feel angry deeply. So, you know, it comes with the territory of all the emotions.

Yes.

So, in handling my emotions, one of my greatest coping skills is writing. And it sounds like you have found that too. Is there anything else that is super helpful to you in your coping every day?

Writing is huge. I think also, like, as much as you can do something physically, you know, it doesn't have to be a crazy workout. Like, it really is helpful for me when I just take the dog for a walk. Then I've been trying— like, quarantine has been really challenging in terms of like getting exercise because I'm like, oh, I have so many other things I need to do. Like, no, I don't have to worry about that. But like when I will go for a run or when I'm like really intentional about moving my body, it just releases so much pent-up stress. So I think that's definitely a strategy. That and just whatever it is, making time for yourself in a small pocket of time. It could be something work-related. It could be something, you know, you know, like for me, my writing is also my work. So even though it seems like I'm always doing work, you know, find something that's uniquely yours. Like I'm going to write for myself or I'm going to do this fun video podcast that I really want to do and find time to do that in your schedule so that you feel like your personal cup is fulfilled as opposed to especially moms or dads, like you're always pouring out. So what are you doing to pour into yourself? I think that's important every day.

Well, and what's so nice, and I'm sure you're going to agree with this, is that all the hours that I spend writing does not feel like work. Work. So that's, that's the wonderful thing. It does feel like me time. So if I can zone out and type, I feel so much better afterwards. If we can find— I don't know that I'm going to get up at 2 AM to do it, but, but I give you so much credit for doing that. So I read somewhere that you picked up and moved from across the country to California. So I would love to know what inspired you to do that.

Yeah, that was, um, it was, it was after college. I had started my first full-time job working remote for a magazine and I went, I'm from suburban Chicago and I went to college in Iowa. So I was living in Iowa and it was just, I'd always been in the Midwest and I really felt like I felt called to leave and go somewhere new and I felt called to the beach. Um, And I was like, why not? You know, like when you're working remote, like you have that flexibility. And so it was a lot of like inner discovery. I actually ended up writing a poetry book about all the emotion that came with like leaving home and finding yourself and going on a journey of self-discovery. My poetry book is called Somewhere on a Highway. And it was really like the reflections of like how you feel when you're driving on a highway and it feels like the possibilities are endless, but also you're leaving everything that you've known. So it's like a kind of a back and forth of all those emotions put in one book. But yeah, that was my journey. I moved by myself across the country. Like I didn't have— I had a couple of friends that I knew from college that lived in the area. But the goal was get to this new place, get a place by myself and kind of start a new life. And it was probably like the greatest thing I've ever done for myself to just— not that I needed to like cut ties, but just really like to push myself to grow. In ways that I hadn't before. Yeah, I would, I would suggest that to anyone who just feels stuck or just feeling called to leave, that sometimes it's just good to leave what you've known to discover different parts of yourself that you might not see when you're in your comfort zone.

I am so incredibly impressed that you did that all by yourself. I don't think I could do that. And your book sounds amazing. I'm going to have to look into this book. It sounds beautiful. And I'm trying to think what I haven't— what is the best advice that you have ever gotten? Oh, that's such a good question.

So many things. I'm going to answer it in like two parts. The greatest advice for writing that also applies to life that I ever received was when I was in college, one of my creative writing professors, said, "Trust your voice." And like in the context of the conversation, I was kind of asking for advice on like editing a piece that I wrote. And basically he was like, of course you want to edit everything. And you want to, you know, always revise and strive to improve, which is, you know, the goal of life. But he also said, "Trust your voice." And I think that moment was very significant because it made me realize that I had to own my own voice and identity if I really wanted to move forward in this career path, but then in life in general. It's just like a very universal piece of advice where you can always take from other people. You can always grow. You can constantly revise, you know, your life, your reaction in the situation, your words. But you also have to like lean in and trust that you know what you're doing. And I guess as I'm talking through this right now, it reminds me of parenting as well. Like people can tell you how to be a good parent. You can read every single book, listen to every blog, talk on every podcast, but it's also like at the core, you do know what's best. And I think there's such a powerful element to like trusting yourself. That just—

That's great advice.

It's just, it's huge. And I will never forget that because it was so simple, but it was like, yeah, I'm a writer. Like it really stirred something in me to like step into that identity. And then obviously beyond writing and everything else, but that was like the professional advice, if you will. And then just a piece of advice for parenting and for like just being a mom. I don't know how it was originally said to me, but the sentiment that stuck with me was like, it sounds cliché, but like following your heart. And I've kind of like translated that in my own mind to the idea of leading with love. And I just really feel like what's guided me through every difficult moment in being a bonus parent is just remembering if I put love first, not how I personally feel, not what I think is right, not what this person thinks is right, but like, how can I just show up with love? It just really helped me to take some of the pressure off because I definitely put a lot of pressure on myself as a parent. So if I'm just moving forward in love, like, that's the best I can do. And everything else is going to happen as it's going to happen.

I think that's my favorite question because I learned so much from people when I asked that question. So I think I have to take that question with me and ask every single person that question. What haven't I asked you that you would like to share?

Good question. Um, maybe, I guess you kind of asked about like the, the difficult moments of being a parent, or at least I kind of spoke to that. But, um, I guess in terms of like, I'm just thinking about who might stumble across this and just want to hear another perspective from the angle of a bonus parent. And I've just really adopted that identity because it was like, I'm not, you know, I'm not replacing biological parent. I'm not a step-parent at this point. So I'm a bonus. I'm an addition to this. It's a great title.

I have never heard that title before. I love that.

Thanks. I didn't make it up. I can't take credit for it, but I've stumbled across quite a few people who haven't heard of it, and I just love getting to share the message behind it because I actually had originally talked to somebody who was like, well, why do you use that title? Like, don't you want to just be called, you know, parent? And I just always felt like positively about it. Like, it was— it's the idea of being an added bonus, nothing that's taking away. So I don't know, it's just an identity that I've adopted. And I think like for anybody in my shoes, or even if you're not in my shoes and you're just trying to figure out your place as a stepparent or even as a parent, like, whatever you— wherever you are on the parenting diagram, if you will, like, I know, like, the special needs parents, like, you know, young parents, old parents, like, wherever you are, there's still, like, an element of trying to figure out your own identity. And one of the greatest things that I've learned is that you have to create that identity for yourself. And rather than, like, trying to fit into a bubble or chasing what you think you're supposed to be or what you're supposed to do is just like giving yourself permission to kind of figure out that own identity and to own it. Kind of goes back to trusting your voice. Like nobody can tell you how to be a bonus parent, a step-parent, especially, you know, whatever. You just have to kind of go through, figure it out, give yourself grace, but really own that identity and step into whatever it is and figure out your place. Nobody can give it to you. You have to kind of step into it on your own.

Well, and it sounds like you're doing such a great job finding your place with your son and your boyfriend, and it sounds like you guys have created a wonderful family. So that's so great to hear. Can you tell everyone where they can go to find you?

Yeah, um, so many places.

So many places.

Um, if you search my name, Marissa Donnelly, you'll find my main website, um, and that's where a lot of my business stuff is housed, and then kind of shoots you into different directions. So MarissaDonnelly.com or underscore Marissa Donnelly on Instagram or Marissa Rae Donnelly on Facebook. Like if you search me, you'll find that main social media. And business-wise, Be a Light Collective. If you search that, you'll find my website for that, the social media for that. And then for parents, Momish Moments, it's mymomishmoments.com and that connects to the step-by-step platform as well. I'm more active on the Momish Moments at this point, but trying to build out that, that new space for blended families. But I'm always looking for people to contribute their thoughts, to share their, you know, their own stories of parenting, just to connect. I think knowing that, you know, we're all universally going through so many things as parents is really powerful. And just meeting other people who have, you know, done this dance of, yeah, I'm a business owner, I'm a parent, I'm figuring it out. It's just really cool to meet people who are like-minded or passionate or just trying to figure out what the heck they're doing and open to having conversations with people about the differences and the similarities in their stories.

Well, thank you so much for joining me. It's been such a pleasure getting to know you and getting to meet you. So thank you so much for joining me. And this is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast. And I just want to remind everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

Thanks so much for having me.