The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 014 XO Parenting

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

This is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast. I am so excited today to have Lauren Pace with us. Lauren is a mom of 2 amazing little humans with 1 more on the way, 5 dogs, some chickens, and 500 pheasants. Wow. We live on what I like to call the mini farm, but not far enough away from civilization. Instacart still delivers. I have a master's degree in human development and family studies with research in child behavior. The area I love to help in the most is understanding challenging behavior in young children and I do this through podcasting, social media, and one-on-one coaching. Thank you so much for being here today, Lauren.

I am so excited. This will be fun.

This is going to be so much fun, and I want you to know that I feel like a big dork right now because I have been excited for this because I have been, as you can understand as a mom, I have been cooking and cleaning and waiting on my children all day. So, I was like, OK, now I get to take some time for myself and talk to Lauren.

Don't you love the me time that we get?

This is our excitement. This is my excitement for the day.

For real. And connection with other humans. Yes.

Well, and I want to say congratulations that you're expecting another baby.

Thank you.

So exciting. I know how exciting that is.

It really is. I'm excited.

And are you feeling good?

Yes. I was feeling so bad at first, but second try is doing me good.

Fabulous. Fabulous. I remember I love the field that you're in. Before children, I was counseling families whose children had severe behavior problems, and I have been loving your podcast, XO Parenting. I've been listening to a lot of episodes, so I feel like I know you already.

Good, I'm so glad. That's awesome. I love connecting with like-minded people who just You know, like to talk about this stuff.

Yes. It's, it's always been so fascinating to me. Can you tell us what inspired you to become a parenting coach?

Yeah. So, um, first of all, I always had plans to be a preschool teacher. And when I started having kids, I'm like, oh, I'm just going to do it in my home. Cause I want to raise my kids at home, but I was super pregnant with my first son. And, um, was working in a preschool classroom and there was a kid in there that had really, really challenging behavior. And I mean, he was stabbing kids with pencils, he was wrapping string around people's necks. And oh yeah, it was, it was sad because we loved this kid. It was sad for the kids he was hurting, it was sad for the parents. Yeah, we got all these threats like, if you don't pull them out, we're gonna sue. And it was so like frustrating to me because this whole year I had a really challenging class and I was working on social and emotional supports and all of these things. But this behavior just kept sticking around, and I did not want to give up on this kid. So I learned about something called positive behavior support, and it's used primarily right now in special education classrooms. But we took it and we used it in this typical developing classroom with this boy, and we, we made an intervention plan for him. And we realized that his behavior that seemed like psychopath behavior was actually communicating that he wanted to enter play. He just didn't know how. He didn't have the skills to be able to enter play. So when I could see that, okay, this extreme behavior where this kid would have been expelled and probably kicked out of school after school after school, instead if we could look at it and be like, okay, this is what he needs, here's how we can support him, and then within a couple days he was thriving in the classroom. Like, it was amazing.

That's fabulous.

And I mean, the family had some stressors going on at home, like a micro-preemie baby, like 20 5 weeks, I think, is when the baby was born. I don't remember. So I mean, there was so much going on, and to see how much this changed that family's life, I'm like, I want to be able to do this for a lot of kids because there's resources in special education classrooms and there's resources if you have a diagnosis, but there are a lot of challenging kids out there without diagnoses and without a lot of parent education on the thing. So at 38 weeks pregnant, enrolled in grad school, And 2 babies later, I graduated and it was, yeah, that's, I mean, that's what got me started on it. And I just have loved it.

Well, that's wonderful. And I love that you have the double degree. You're a teacher who's also a parenting coach and you have all of this background that can help people. So you married them both wonderfully. And I'm sure you're helping tons of families.

Well, thank you.

Now, what behaviors do you see— do parents complain about most to you?

I would say that sibling fighting is huge. Tantrums. Tantrums look like so many different things, but in general, hitting, screaming, like back talking, whining, all that can be grouped into like tantrums. Just like really strong emotional reactions to things.

Yes.

Most of the behavior I see is because kids don't have the skills that they need to be able to handle frustration.

Yes. Yes. And I was going to piggyback on that question. You went right into it and you really talk a lot about how all of these, all of these behaviors are really just communication to us. So they're communicating to us that they don't have the skills. And then it's our job to give them these skills. Do you— so do you feel like that's like a majority of what you do with families?

Yeah, so part of it is so understanding the behavior, and then if we can understand it— so say for example, I pick up my child from school and he's like already in a terrible mood. I'm like, okay, what is going on? You know, like, okay, something's going on in his body. Maybe he's tired, maybe he needs a snack. You just kind of think, okay, what is he communicating that he hasn't really shown me this behavior yet. Um, so then I'm like, okay, I can prevent some of this behavior by just offering a snack every day at this time, or by making sure he gets a better amount of sleep. You know, there's some things we can just do to prevent that we don't need to teach a new skill for. But then he starts getting frustrated and starts to kick me or hit his sister or something like that, and that's where he needs some skills to be able to handle his frustration. Like, it's okay to be frustrated, bud, but we don't kick mom in the face ever, right?

Right.

So that's where we go home, and when he's calmed down again, we'll start working on some ways to handle frustration. And usually it's like, just let's practice breathing, or let's, um, punch a pillow when we're mad, just kind of break up the stress cycle.

Well, and it's interesting listening to you and you describing things with your son because I have 3 children who couldn't be more different. And the first two did not prep me for the third one. And the third, um, the third one is the one who, like, my children never had tantrums because they were just tired or because they needed a snack. The third one has big emotions about all of that stuff. So she's teaching me all of that, like, has she had enough sleep? Has she, did she eat lunch today? Like, it's amazing how different our children can be.

And really, it is.

I just I just can't believe, I can't believe the skills that she's even teaching me that because I didn't, I didn't know a lot of this stuff before her. She has definitely prepped me to help other families. Let me tell you.

I love that. I love it. I feel like behavior coaches have to get the most challenging kids, right? So that we have some, some real experience.

Well, and I, and I talk about how, you know, I was counseling before children, you know, I haven't gone back to it yet. And it's amazing the difference now that I've been in it and how much more I understand, you know? So it's great that you're doing this while you're parenting.

For sure.

Can you tell everyone what XO Academy is?

Okay. So my parenting academy, it's actually going to morph into something a little bit different here in 2021, but it is, um, a course right now that takes you through First, the first thing it does is help you understand your child. So I go through a piece where we talk about sensory preferences. We talk about temperament. So it's just like what you said with your 3 kids. You have 2 who are like, it's okay if they have snack whenever, they sleep whenever, but then you have a third kid who's like super regular, needs her food, right? So understanding that about each of our kids is so helpful because before we get into those missing skills, we can be like, oh, we can prevent a lot of challenges, but just by knowing this about their personality. So it starts with that, and then it goes into understanding what they're communicating with some of their challenging behaviors. So like, why do they hit? Why are they fighting? What are they trying to communicate with that behavior? How can we prevent it? What skills do we need to teach them? And then how can we respond in a way that's not reinforcing to the behavior? So sometimes, like, for example, if you turn off the TV and your child starts screaming, and then you turn it back on, and you're like, okay, 5 more minutes. What you just did with your response is reinforce that child's screaming. And so it's okay for them to be uncomfortable with their feelings, it's okay for them to be frustrated the TV's going off, but if we just turn it back on, then we're teaching them that the crying's working. So then we talk about that in the end, and it just goes through all of these steps. And what I'm doing is taking my academy actually and taking all of that information but putting it into like a coaching program So parents can sign up for like a month-long coaching program and we just go through those steps individually with their child. So I'm excited to see kind of how it morphs.

Well, and you talked about something that is so perfect for today's world. You talked about— I think you're morphing it into partly a text coaching business, correct? Where you're— yeah, where you're coaching people through texting, which I think is so perfect in today's world. Like, this is what's going on, help me.

Yeah, for real. Well, Tex, and I've decided to add Marco Polo to it, and it's just like, it really is perfect.

Oh my God, that is like brilliant.

I'm piloting it right now with a family, and it's been so fun. So fun.

That's awesome. Well, you know, even when I went in the home, it's like they could put on a show for the hour that I was there. They could try to behave for— and if you do like a Marco Polo, they can say, look, Rebecca, look what's going on right now.

Yeah, seriously, it's awesome though, because not only can I see like, oh my goodness, this behavior is so hard, but then she'll be like, look, this is working. And it's cool to see it as it's happening instead of like going back a week later. And I mean, that's how I did my research. I'd go week after week and like, oh, what happened this week? But kind of seeing it as it's happening, she already gave me the feedback. We're in like day 3, she already gave me the feedback. Parents need this because it's not just like a webinar. It's like you really get to know my child and you're like here in my home with me.

Amazing.

It's pretty cool.

Brilliant. You're using today's technology perfectly. I love it so much.

Thanks.

You talk about something that is so important that I find works with my feisty, wonderful daughter. You talk about the power of choices. Can you tell people what that means?

Yeah, so choices is one skill that we have, or strategy or tool in our toolbox that we have, that's, I feel like, really underutilized. A lot of times we do a choice and a threat. So we say, oh, you have— you can get in the car or I can get your dad and dad can haul you to, you know, like we always come up with, you can do this or I'm going to do this type of thing. But sometimes we do have to go there where it's like a choice and then a choice with a consequence. But if we can start it with just offering choices, then they have freedom within a limit. They have independence within limits. So, I mean, I'm pretty sure that's a, um, Montessori quote, but children need freedom within limits. So, um, for example, say you need to get your child to to— well, let's just use get in the car for an example. With my kids, sometimes it's hard for them to stop doing what they're doing, get in the car, whatever. So I say, okay, in the car today we can listen to Elsa on the radio or we can listen to this. And they have two choices, but both of them, they still have to get in the car. Or I say, okay, let's hop by it like a bunny to the car, or you can climb in through the trunk today or something. So there are two like random fun choices that come off the top of my head. But then my kids are like, oh yeah, I'm gonna hop like a bunny, and they'll just like hop like a bunny because they have a choice. They still have independence, but you're also getting them to do what you need them to do.

So smart. Well, and my 8-year-old is like so controlling, so it makes her feel like she has control, so it definitely works with her.

Well, and if you get a kid who is always in a power struggle with you, then they're, they're trying to gain— a lot of times they're communicating that they want more control. And so how can you use choices to give them that control while still getting what you need to have happen?

Super smart. So smart.

And it works.

I love it. What would you say your biggest challenge is for you right now?

With my kids or with—

with life, with just your parenting and life is kind of interesting right now.

Okay, well, you're gonna hear it all. So No, okay, so first of all, COVID-19, right? It's getting a little annoying. Um, no, but okay, so my family, we have like Christmas plans and Christmas traditions, and every time I try to go home to my family in Washington, somebody comes up to my house and exposes us to COVID. So we haven't had it, but we continue to go into quarantine time and time again. It's really annoying.

My God, I'm so sorry.

Um, but I mean, I'm like, like, kind of like just okay with that, take it humorously, whatever. Um, but what's crazy is, so we have my baby coming in March and we have a trip planned at the end of the month that we're hoping to go on to my family's house in Washington. And then we found out yesterday, or no, 2 days ago, that our hunting dog got tied with our other hunting dog that are 2 different breeds.

Oh no.

So we're having mixed hunting puppies, um, either while we're on our vacation or the first week of January, and then I have to sell them before my baby comes. So that's my current stressor right now. It's probably not relatable to a lot of people.

Oh my God, it's just— you know what I love though? I love that you're laughing, and it's like, we try so hard. If we don't laugh, we're gonna cry, right?

Oh my gosh, I'm glad that my parents instilled in me the gift of laughing during the hard times.

Oh my gosh, well, I am so sorry, and I don't mean to laugh at your stress.

Oh no, it'll be fun. It'll be fun to watch. Just watch it unfold on Instagram.

I'm gonna find you. I wish I could have one of your puppies.

Seriously, that would help a ton.

I'm cut off. I'm cut off with pets. I'm cut off with babies. I have been cut off.

We should be too. We have 6 dogs. So we really should be too.

Oh my gosh. Okay, so speaking of COVID-19, the dreaded word, um, how have you adjusted your parenting during today's pandemic? Your own parenting.

Okay, so my own parenting, it's actually kind of nice. I feel like it's hitting me at a really good time because my oldest is 4, um, and so I'm not doing the online school thing, which I'm so I'm so grateful for. Lucky. It's so bad in some places, like so many kids are failing. It's just so hard. Social connection and stuff like that. But I have realized that it is hard on my kids, especially my 2-year-old, because she's my feisty, feisty personality. And we have a church class that she was in. It's called Nursery that she's interacting with a bunch of other kids. And then I would go to the gym and she'd go to the gym daycare and then I would get a babysitter and she had all this interaction and then COVID starts and she has like none. So it's hard because she really does need more interaction with kids like her age. And I don't think like 2-year-olds really need like a formal daycare or nursery school to get that. But like playdates have all stopped and like all this stuff has stopped. And that's been really challenging because I want her to be kind and loving with like her cousins and stuff. But that's something that I'm seeing like If I have a babysitter who brings their kid, it's like, okay, we're gonna need to work on some things. So, um, the last little bit I've just been kind of trying to find a way to get her more social interaction with her cousins because those are like the only people we see repeatedly, um, where she's like learning some of those skills. And then Charlie, it's nice because his preschool has stayed open, um, and they just wear masks and it's going really, really, really well. But when we first started quarantine— me quarantine— like, we were stuck at home. And so it was something that I really started to do at home is kind of find a rhythm. Not a set routine, not like we have to do this in this order every day, but just where they have free play and then we do something together. So maybe it's just a snack or lunch, and then they have free play and then maybe I read them a book or whatever. So it's like kind of this ebb and flow throughout the day where it's not like I'm doing activity, activity, activity, activity, or that they're just like on their own all day. There's kind of this balance. So that's something that I've really liked.

I mean, you also talk about, I have heard so many people who have just found a family and the two of them just like, just see each other.

Right.

Right. And keep each other safe. And then, then we have a playmate and the kids have a playmate and We need like a safe family for us.

Oh, that's my sister. Like, she lives 5 minutes from me and we're twins and our kids go to play. So that has been— like, we're honestly both on quarantine right now, but we got exposed by the same person and so we're just hanging out.

Yes, well, you're so lucky that you have that. That's wonderful, especially right now. So if we talk about your own coping skills, other than it sounds like you have your sister, what coping skills are you using for yourself right now? Because I know it's been so stressful for all of us.

For sure. So one of the things is, well, I was gonna say, I try to like carve out time for self-care using like babysitters or like a house cleaner or something to take something off my plate. Right now I can't have the house cleaner come in, obviously. Um, and the babysitter, my babysitter just had COVID, so she can still come, which is great.

Oh gosh, the world that we live in right now. Oh my gosh.

Like, um, hiring all babysitters with COVID right now. Um, no, but I think that A big thing about self-care is like using the resources that I do have, like my babysitter, to not just get work done, but to do the things I need to do to fill my cup. Yeah. So if I need to go to lunch with my friends at her house, or if I need to go, um, I don't know, there's like just a few little things that I'll do here and there where I'm like, I need to fill my cup. How am I going to do it today? Um, that's something that I try to do, especially before you have that baby. Yes. Oh, right. Then we'll really be on quarantine.

Oh my gosh. So you have XO Academy, XO Parenting Podcast, text coaching. What else am I missing? I know there's more.

Um, so I have XO Playtime, which is super, super fun. It's a membership. I only open up twice a year, but They're like lesson plans, learn through play. It's like a learn through play curriculum. And so it's with a lot of like things that you can find around the house. It's for kids like under 5. So your 8-year-old wouldn't benefit quite as much, but it's like theme play. So like, for example, we'll do a farm week or something and I'll have activities in areas of— so let's see, science, social studies, sensory, art and creativity, and then like math and engineering. I think I'm forgetting one anyways, but there's like activities within each of those things. So they're developing these different development areas around a new theme. And so it just keeps the play kind of interesting. And I love, love EXO Playtime with my own kids.

That is such a fun concept. That's okay. I love dogs. The dog's part of the podcast. I'm just wondering where you were when I had babies. I didn't get to do these fun things with you. It's too bad. So you have, you know, your business with so many things, so many fabulous things going on. You have your kids, you have one on the way. How are you balancing it all?

Um, hmm.

We're like, are we?

No, like some days I feel like, yes, I'm winning. Some days I'm not. Honestly, I feel like getting in that rhythm. And for me, I have to re-get in a rhythm like every little bit. Like, I can't just like set a rhythm and be like, yep, this is my rhythm for the year.

Yeah.

But then I kind of reevaluate, okay, where are my priorities? What are we going to focus on right now this month? Like, currently my big idea is that I want to get outside every day for 30 minutes, and it is like 8 degrees.

Oh God.

And I don't do cold. Like, I do not do cold. And so this is actually a harder challenge for me, but I see so much benefit from it for my kids and also for myself once I actually go outside. Um, but like I put that into our rhythm. So like obviously adding outside time isn't what's created balance, but refiguring out my priorities every month or so and be like, oh, this month we're going to focus on this, um, kind of helps me stay just in tune to like what our family needs, I think.

I like that. I like that a lot. I was frustrated with myself. I was walking my dog And I was like, okay, so I am going to come home and I am going to do this. And then I'm going to do this and I'm going to do this. And I'm like, why are you always making yourself a to-do list? Like, can you just do something fun?

Right. That's me too. Do you have an Enneagram number? Do you know what Enneagram you are?

I am a 2. Does that sound right? Yeah.

You're a helper. Yeah.

The helper one.

I'm a 3, so I'm a big to-do list type of person, like gotta get everything done all the time. And so I'm really trying to just live in the moment, which is hard.

It is. I'm like, can you just be? Stop doing.

No, that's my word for 2021. Just be. Just be.

Like, seriously, what would you say the best advice is that you've ever gotten?

Oh man, on the spot.

It's my favorite question. I, I learn so much every time I ask. I love that.

This is kind of my mantra. This is kind of my mantra. So you can tell the same story in a way that paralyzes or a way that empowers. And I think with every trial that happens in my life, and I've had quite a few in the last year or so, I had brain surgery last year, parent divorce, miscarriage, all of this. And gosh, I like say it with a smile. I'm like, sorry, that was a lot. I just put a lot on you right there.

I had no idea.

But anyways, like my mantra through all of that, I mean, I had infertility with one of my kids. There's just like just been some struggles and everyone has struggles, but we can tell the exact same story in a way as a victim or as a way that like we can strengthen others through our vulnerability. And I think that just living like that has been huge.

I love that. And you talk a lot about the power of our word choices. And you, you, I want you to know that you have me thinking, and I was even explaining this to my daughters. Like, you can say, I have to go grocery shopping, or I can say, I get to go to Wegmans and buy food for my family. Like, it's, it's amazing how the story we tell ourselves can be so different.

For sure. That's cool, because what I said kind of like overlaps into that. We're not the victim to our laundry, right?

Like, I'm like, you know, even though it feels like it, it does feel like it, and it pisses me off when my husband says it, but he'll say, aren't we blessed Aren't we blessed to have all this clothes? Or aren't we blessed to have all these dishes? It means we've eaten so much food. And I'm like, shut up.

Yes, seriously. It's like, okay, if you're feeling blessed, go for it, man.

Go do the laundry. Go do the dishes. What do you like best about what you do?

I like working with families and seeing like how it helps them. So that's why I've switched to more one-on-one coaching because I kind of changed my academy where I didn't get a lot of interaction and I'm like, no, I want to actually get to know these families. I love that.

Yes, and I'm so far removed from that, and one day, you know, my kids are home 7 days a week, you know how it is, and I'm like, I don't know what I can fit in right now. I'm doing my best right now.

Oh yeah, for sure.

But I agree with you, that's definitely so nice to connect and see the results of your work with the family. What else would you like to share share that I didn't get a chance to ask you?

Oh man, I think you did a good, great summary of everything, but I am so excited to hear this on the air and I think it is so cool what you are doing and you are making a difference even though you are not coaching families like you used to or whatever, coaching behavior. Were you coaching the kids or the parents?

It was, it was family counseling, but it was really helping the parents deal with the kids.

Yeah, I mean, that's kind of what I do too. And I mean, indirectly it affects the kids, but it changes lives. And I think just having these conversations is super helpful too.

So I hope so. I hope, I hope that someone learned something today that's going to make their life easier and better. Can you tell everyone where to go find you?

Yes. Okay. So I'm on Instagram at XO Lauren Pace and Facebook at XO Lauren Pace, I believe. And then my website is xolaurenpace.com.

And I want to tell you to— I'm hoping that my friends listen to this, and I will tell them to, because they make fun of me because I always sign my name Rebecca XO.

Oh, that's legit. Well, Lauren Pace was taken, so I had to throw the XO in there.

I absolutely— well, thank you so much for your time. I really loved talking to you.

Thank you, it's been so fun.

This is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast, reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

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