The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 074 Divorce My Way
In this episode of the Whiny Palooza podcast, host Rebecca Greene interviews her longtime friend Kimberly Swiatek, a remote‑working mother who recently navigated a divorce. Kimberly explains her philosophy of "Divorce My Way," a conscious, heart‑centered approach that avoids the typical messy, conflict‑driven separations she witnessed in her own childhood. She describes how she and her ex‑husband transformed from adversaries to collaborative co‑parents, emphasizing consistent, transparent communication (e.g., sharing drop‑off details, checking in about appointments) and maintaining a friendship that supports their children. Kimberly credits the book Conscious Uncoupling and a certified counselor for helping her take personal responsibility for her share of the conflict, fostering empathy and reducing blame. The conversation covers practical timelines (a two‑year process to move from anger to amicable co‑parenting), strategies for integrating step‑parents and blended families, and the symbolic importance of keeping a shared family name for her children. Kimberly offers concrete advice for couples in the midst of divorce: own your part, release anger, take small intentional steps, and document personal goals. The episode concludes with reflections on resilience, the role of a supportive community, and encouragement for listeners facing similar challenges.
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No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Green.
Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.
Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast, and I am extra excited today because I have my fabulous friend Kimberly Swiatek on today. Thank you so much, Kimberly, for being here with me today.
That was my pleasure.
Kimberly is taking time out of her very busy schedule. She is a full-time remote working mom, and the reason why I, you know, coerced her— she was pretty easy to coerce— to come on to my podcast is we have had so many conversations over our 7 years of friendship. And we met when our children were in kindergarten back in the day. And, um, she has gone through a divorce with— I'm just so— I can't even tell you how well she has gone through her divorce, and I'm so impressed by her. And I knew that you could learn from her, so I said, let's help others. Let's bring you on and talk about how—
how—
what did you call it? Divorcing with heart, Kimberly? Is that what you called it?
Yeah, I guess you could call it that way. I mean, I just wanted to have a divorce my way, basically.
Yes.
Yes.
Okay. That's what you said. Divorce my way.
Okay.
So let's, let's start with that. What does divorce my way mean to you?
Well, to me it meant not— I come from a divorced family from when I was a kid. I was about 5 years old and my parents got divorced. And so I didn't want to have their divorce. I also didn't want to have the divorce that I guess society says that we should have. I mean, every divorce you ever hear about is one that's messy or, you know, things are going wrong, kids are constantly bouncing back and forth, or, you know, it's an unhappy family, an unhappy situation. And I didn't want that for myself. I didn't want that for my children. So I was going to do whatever I could to have the, uh, I guess happy divorce, if that makes sense, that I wanted to have.
I mean, I can't even believe with everything you have gone through, okay? I can't even— I, when I saw you and you were telling me everything, I, I couldn't wrap my mind around it. You are the most mature person I have ever met.
I wouldn't go that far.
Okay, so let's talk about— you really learned a lot from your parents. So let's, let's talk about what you didn't want for your kids. Can you tell us some of that stuff?
Uh, well, I didn't want the fighting. Um, I didn't want the lack of communication or kids being put in the middle. Um, I think one of the things that really clicked with me was when I was in my 20s, and that was when— my late 20s, like, I, I wrote— that was my first, I guess, holiday meal with both of my parents. And I remember my sister and I just being so giddy and like really wanting a family photo and thinking to ourselves, wow, like, I'm happy we're at this point now, but think of all the things we'd missed along the way that our families weren't together doing, you know, happily or showing love and support. My parents are both fabulous people. I love them both very much. And I always say that with, with life, with kids, with marriage, there's no instruction booklet. So we kind of all do things our own way. And I know for my parents, it's probably the best that they could do at that time in their lives. But I just didn't want— I didn't want to do that the same way they did.
Well, it's interesting that you learned what not to do from them. So it really sucks for you as a child, but it really benefits your own children.
Yes, it definitely does. I can't even tell you how happy my kids are.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. So tell me about things that you and your ex are doing differently than how you were raised. Tell me some of the things you're doing for your kids.
We co-parent really well. We learned that, you know, while we were not a good married couple and we both had our flaws and things eventually fell apart, that as a married couple, like, even our friendship dissolves because there's so much stress and pressure with marriage. And if you don't have the right fit, it makes things that much worse. So once the marriage was gone, we did kind of rekindle our friendship. And realize that we could be friends. Being friends and being co-parents is huge. Making sure that, you know, you're checking in with each other. When I dropped off Sebastian for basketball camp this morning, the first person I call is his dad, Dave, and I just say, you know, I want to let you know this is how drop-off went. These are, you know, some of the things we might have talked about in the car. I wanted to alert you to this or that. But that's what I do with everything, whether it be a drop-off, at basketball camp or a doctor's appointment. I always let him know when anything in the kids' lives is going on, and he has them less than I do, but he still will let me know if something happens while at his house as well. That's huge, just the communication alone. But then also realizing that you can still joke with each other and talk about silly things, or, you know, in a marriage not everything's terrible. So kind of remembering those happy times or those, you know, fun things we did together. And remembering, I know Dave and I, we were, I guess, high school sweethearts. So we had been in each other's lives since we were 15. So even having that person that knows you in, you know, that part of your life that you can make certain connections with, where I can call him if something's upsetting me from that time period and say, oh my gosh, remember when? And for him to be supportive. And I do the same thing with him.
So I think having that relationship, that is amazing and not typical, which, you know.
Yeah.
So was it always like that from the beginning of the divorce, or did it take steps to get to that?
It was, it was not that way. I want to say that, you know, our marriage ended probably like most marriages end, with anger and heated discussion and upset and all of that, not wanting to talk to each other. But I was determined that I was not going to have my parents divorce. If I would have taken a different road and held on to all that anger and didn't care about, you know, what kind of relationship we had in the end because I was so angry at, you know, he said, she said, or whatever we did, we wouldn't be where we are today. I was very motivated to make sure I had divorce my way. And not saying in a very pushy way or anything. I just wanted to make sure that we weren't, we weren't taking those wrong steps, going down a wrong path that would lead to more anger, more hatred. And so I made sure that I kept trying to I guess, move towards a more friendly direction. I tried to take the high road. I tried to make sure that I was showing Dave that I was still there for him, even though we had a divorce, and that we could both be there for our kids and that we could continue to co-parent. But it does take a lot of work. This relationship takes just as much work as any other relationship. You have to put the work in there for it to, you know, all fall into place. If, if we weren't both working at it, I'm sure it would be a mess.
Well, and just for someone who maybe is at the beginning and there's so much hatred and anger right now, how, what would you say is the time period just for you guys to get from this is a lot of anger to we're friendly and working together?
Obviously first getting through the divorce piece. For some people that can, you know, be quick, others it can take years. For us it did take a 2-year process, which was long. Wow.
Yeah.
But along the way, talking through each piece, never kind of trying to have that mentality of I'm going to get everything from you type of attitude. Working towards what was best for everyone, where if he said something like, oh, that's not going to work for me because of X, Y, and Z, I would take a step back and think, do I really need this? Or how can we change? And even though you're angry, just still trying to not rip the other person down, knock them down, tear them to pieces, whatever. Keeping your head above water, uh, and just taking those slow baby steps. Um, when we finally got out at the other end of the divorce, which like I said, it did take 2 years, we both were at a better place than when the divorce started. Um, and then just continuing to work on that. Um, I think within the divorce, that was a huge foundation builder, uh, during that process. Because if I would have been really mean and left a bitter taste or he did the same thing, we wouldn't have ended on such a nice note. Like we really did try and work towards, you know, what would benefit everybody versus all about me. And I think that's the first step.
It's amazing. I'm so impressed with you. You have no idea. No idea. So you talked to me about some resources that you use that I think other people would benefit from. Do you mind talking about some of the resources?
Well, the one was using, utilizing the book Conscious Uncoupling. Yes, that was huge. I did use that, and then I did have a counselor that I worked with that was certified in Conscious Uncoupling that helps really make you see, I guess when you're going through a divorce, you're, it's so easy to say it's all the other person's fault. But that process lets you see that, you know, even if you only— even if only 3% is yours, you still have to own up to your own 3%. You can't walk around saying none of this is my fault because when a marriage ends, it's both. It's both people. It takes two people to tango, right? In any situation. So I think that was huge, finding my own peace and realizing that you know, what I, I did was also not beneficial to our marriage. And that kind of softens your heart and lets you move forward in a better way.
Well, and I think from my observation, and please correct me if I'm wrong, some of my friends, like, just in my life, just from experience of talking about divorce, I have seen that someone may feel the other person is way more at fault, and I don't necessarily think that that's wrong just based on information that I have. However, you're saying don't ignore that you did have a piece in the puzzle.
Always. Uh, it's not ever all on one person. Uh, when a marriage falls apart, when any relationship falls apart, even a friendship, uh, yes, brothers and sisters, all of that, even relationships with your parents, there's always going to be part of that that's on you. And you have to realize that and you have to take ownership of that and then, and then try and move forward realizing that it's not just all the other person.
So true. 100%. Now you brought up the terms conscious uncoupling, which is new. I mean, it's new to me. You taught it to me and then ironically I heard it the next day. So I was like, okay, these are new buzzwords that I need to learn. Can you explain to everyone what that actually means?
I think along the way with any kind of, like I said, I had a counselor that helped me work through it. And with any kind of counseling, it's everyone has their own path. So everyone's gonna take, you know, you're gonna read something and you're gonna see it in a different light. For me, it was just again realizing what my part of the divorce was, but also reaching down and finding out, you know, where some of my other pains were, I guess, deep down, like what triggered this or that. And even if it went back to my own childhood with my relationship with divorce and figuring out, you know, where I was, where taking care of my own health, my own mental health, and figuring out how I could get through all of this and do it in a way that would help myself, help my children, and also, you know, help my ex. It's not all about fighting.
No, no, we want, we want it to be as amicable as possible, right?
Yes. And you want it so consciously doing it instead of subconsciously doing it. You know, you want to make sure that I'm, I'm mentally going through the processes instead of just dropping the mental mic and walking away.
Yes. Well, and you made me think of being conscious when you said divorce my way. You said, I want this divorce to go my way. And to me, that's being very conscious and specific about how you want it to look.
Yes, 100%. And that, you know, again, it's not me trying to be controlling in the situation. It was more me trying to not have the divorce that I'd seen everywhere else. I wanted to make sure that divorce was going to be healthy for me, healthy for my kids, and again, going back to it, healthy for my ex. As much as, you know, we weren't married anymore, I don't wish him any ill will. In fact, like I said, we are friends. He is remarried, I am remarried, and we all get along, which is really nice. In fact, this was— this past Mother's Day was his new wife's first Mother's Day as a stepmom. And I do appreciate her. I think that's another component to all of this is, yes, it's hard as a mom to let go and to see another woman kind of step step in and help take care of your kids. But it does take a village. I do want to support her because as hard as it is for me, it is just as hard, if not harder, for her. And I want her to know that I support her, that I appreciate her, and I want my kids to see it that way too. I want my kids to also appreciate the adults in their lives. So we made her a Mother's Day award, like a handmade one. We went and bought a plant together. And we did work towards, you know, making her feel as important as she should feel on Mother's Day. You know, I don't want to be the mom that it's all about me because I'm the mom and I gave birth. I want— I do want her to feel appreciated. And that's honest. And I want to continue to build the relationship with her as well as continuing to develop the friendship I have with my ex and you know, with my new husband too, making sure that we're all on the same page, you know, for the kids especially. You want them to see all of the happiness and the love and the different, uh, the different relationships that can occur. Um, I mean, Annabelle— that's my daughter, as you know— she, she came up to me the other day and I guess she was talking to one of her friends who was either had a divorce or their parents were going through a divorce. And she was mentioning that, you know, the parents weren't all together. And she told her friend, "What do you mean your mom and dad and, you know, your stepmom and stepdad don't all go blueberry picking together? That's not normal. What are you talking about?" And it's nice that my kids have that. And actually, it's like one— as much as we our separate families, we are all together one big happy family as well, which is important.
You took the words out of my mouth. I was going to say you are one big happy family and you are being such an amazing example for your children and you are teaching them so many lessons. I mean, you are even teaching them that it is not all about me. I mean, you are teaching them that lesson too, just by—
Oh, I can't. Okay, so that, that's definitely been the hardest part of that for me is that letting go of I'm, I'm mom. Look over here, guys. I'm mom. You know, it was really, really hard actually. The way our birthdays fall. My birthday is September 7th and Annabelle's is the 5th. Annabelle's my baby. And so I love birthdays and I loved that I always got to take the knife out of her cake. And that was really an important thing for us. Well, my ex's new wife's birthday is September 6th.
Shut up!
So it falls—
Just shut up!
It falls right between mine and Anna's. And I really didn't want to give up my knife pull.
Right?
And I mean, Annabelle likes it too, but the last birthday party we had for Anna, Anna wanted me over, so I pulled the knife out and then, oh my gosh, as hard as it was, and this sounds little and silly, but I put the knife back in the cake and I asked Natalie to come, that's their stepmom, to come and take the knife out. And that was really hard for me. I don't know if she realized it or anyone else realized it in the moment, but I just want to continue making those strides going forward and not get stuck in the how I feel or how I think things should look. Because again, the reason I'm doing all this is because I don't want to have what other people think the way things should look. So why would I stick to, you know, no, no, no, this is how it should be. No, I think there's always a different path that I can take.
Wow. So when you're feeling— I'm just amazed— when you're feeling angry about something or resentful about something, how do you put it aside and take the bigger road, the better road? How do you do that?
I don't know. I honestly think it just, it takes a leap of faith. Is that what I am going to say? Because when those things happen, at least for me, my mind is saying, you know, be kind, Kimberly, you can do this. And my heart is saying, no. You are torn and I just want to make sure that I'm, I'm doing the right thing. I do want to be a good example for my kids, but it's, it's more than that. It's about letting go for me and not keep harboring any kind of ill will or anger or, you know, the should-bes and moving forward. So generally when those big things happen, it's, it's a leap of faith for myself just saying, Just do it, like jump. And, you know, I always have to say, luckily so far, every time I have jumped, I have felt good about it afterwards. It never made me feel like sad or that I did things the wrong way or regretful. So, I am going to keep jumping, I think.
I love that you, I love that you said that. I love that you are taking these positive jumps. And I know for myself, living in any resentment or anger makes me feel in such an uncomfortable place. So we don't want to live with anger or resentment. No, it's not, it's not good for us.
It's definitely not healthy. I mean, when you're holding those feelings, you know, you, you think that in your mind, I kind of, you kind of think like, oh, I'm getting that person back by being angry, but really at the end of the day, the only person you're hurting is yourself. Because you're the one holding on to it. Your body's holding all of that tension and that sadness and that anger. And unless you let go of it, you're going to keep holding it and it's going to just make things worse. Those inner emotions really do affect your health, whether it be, you know, your heart, your mind, even like your muscle tension, which can, you know, do all kinds of crazy things.
Yes, it's not good for us. We're only hurting ourselves. And I hope everybody remembers that. I really wanted to talk about your name, if that's okay, because I asked you before we started, I wanted to make sure I introduced you right. Can you tell everyone your official name and why that's your official name?
So my name's Kimberly Swiatek. Um, that is the name that I took when I married my ex-husband. Um, we have two beautiful children together that I'm very proud of. Uh, I always say that they're the greatest things that ever happened to me in my entire life. And I wanted to make sure that I always had the same last name as my children. Growing up, my parents did divorce. My mom did get remarried. So did my dad. But with mothers, we always— at least it's always been a thing, you know, mothers change their names. And in the household I was living in, more than not, was with my mom and my stepdad, and my mom had a different last name. And then my brother came along and they kind of seemed like this little pod of a family that my sister and I were no longer a part of. And even their answering machine message was not my last name. Um, so I always kind of felt not part of the party. Um, and I didn't want my kids to feel that way. And so it was really important to me to keep that same last name and to keep the party going, I guess.
Yes.
I felt happy. And along the way, actually, my husband's last name is Barber. My kids came up with our team name, basically, which is Swyber. It is a combination between Swytek and Barber. We actually will go by that. You know, people say, oh, the Swibers are coming over. And it's nice because it's all of us. It's my husband and his daughter. It's me and my two kids. And it's our team name. You know, it's something that's special just to us. And I think it kind of bonds us even closer where, you know, we took two separate pieces and made it into a whole.
I love that. That's such good advice. It's such a good idea. You have had so many challenges along the way. You've overcome so much stuff, and you've come out at such a good end. It's not really an end. It's, it's, you know, the middle. A new beginning, maybe we should say.
I think 100%, a new beginning. I think Once you start taking those steps, it is a step in the right direction to having a better life for everybody.
Yes.
I am going to continue, like I said, taking those jumps, taking those steps because I only want the best for all the people in my life, not just myself.
I love that so much. See, your parents did such a good job raising you. Even if they made mistakes. Yes. So, everybody listening, we all make mistakes with our kids, but it is OK. They can still turn out to be wonderful. So to the couple who is divorcing and struggling right now, or they're already divorced and struggling, can you just give them one of your best tips on what they could start doing differently today?
Well, number one, own up to the fact that you're both at fault, uh, even if again, that's only 3% out of that 100% own up to it. Start letting go of your own anger, hate, upset. It takes a while. Some people can get over it quicker than others, but take all the time that your body needs to kind of release all of that, and then start working towards more of a happy ending than a sad one, and that will start you off on the right foot for a good new beginning. Going forward.
Well, I love everything that you have to say. I, I love what you are doing for your family. I'm amazed by you, and I hope that you know that you are inspiring to all of us. And I'm just wondering if there's anything else that you would like to share that I didn't think to ask you.
Um, not really. Just remember to not give up. On yourself. Uh, that's huge. I think a lot of the time that's really easy to do. Uh, this pandemic has not made it easier on any of us. Um, but just keep going. Um, write down if you have any ideas or thoughts or how you want things to be your way, whether that be with a divorce or any relationship in your life. Write down what— how you want things to look and forget about what everyone else says and just keep going forward and taking those tiny steps to reach your happy ending, your divorce, your relationship, whatever you want to call it, um, to keep things positive and healthy and happy for you and your family.
I love that so much. Well, I can't thank you enough for your time. I know how busy you are and thank you so much for doing this with me.
Oh, thank you for having me. I, I loved it. Really, I appreciate it, and I'm glad that hopefully I can help somebody.
I think so. I think you shared such wise, such wisdom with all of us, and I can't thank you enough.
Thank you, Rebecca.
This is Rebecca Green reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.
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