The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 007 Singing Her Way to Parenting Success

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza Podcast. Today we have Rebecca Maddox El Hakim. She is a mommy blogger, blogging at elmama.com since 2008.

Elma—

El Mama began as a place to document life with 2 children and 1 on the way. It grew to a place that now documents all things El Mama and has over 150,000 views. The El-Hockem family has also grown a lot over these last 12 years. They're raising 5 children ages 16 months to 15 years. Currently, the 4 big L's are enrolled in 4 different schools, and they're busier than ever. Not to mention, they have a toddler in the mix. Oh boy, and we are all at home. Rebecca and her husband Mustafa live in Bel Air, Texas with the 5 L's, where Rebecca is a work-at-home mom. Blogger, community volunteer, creator, and singer-songwriter. She has an acclaimed full-length album that she wrote and recorded with Nashville record producer Marshall Altman. Altman. Altman. I'm saying it totally— I should have asked you that name too. Well, this is amazing. This is so much stuff that we need to dive into. I want to, I want to learn all about this awesome resume that you have.

Oh, thanks. It's so nice to meet you. Thanks so much for having me on the show.

So nice to meet you. Thank you so much for being here. I would love to know how you got started blogging.

So it's basically like what you said in the intro. I just had the two little ones and a baby girl on the way and kind of wanted a place to just kind of document things. And it just grew and grew to You know, people got really interested in what we were doing in the summers because at one point, you know, I had 4 kids under the age 5 and under. So, oh my God, you know, it was honestly, it was honestly so crazy and it happened so fast that I didn't realize how insane it was until years later. You know, we were out of it and, you know, anyway, so now you're coming out of the fog. Yes, been out of the box for a while. So people kind of thought, well, we were really crazy when we had another baby after we were like, we're just happy and throw a little baby in the mix, you know.

Just add some more into it.

Why not?

Do you have a couple blogs? Can you tell us maybe a couple favorites that you have?

Yeah, so my husband is, um, is Lebanese American. So his, his dad is from Lebanon and his mom is a 5th generation Texan. And so she had actually learned how to cook from her mother-in-law. And so I really loved like the Lebanese grape leaves and there's just a lot of the Lebanese dishes that I really love and my husband loves. And so like one of my most popular blogs was actually me sitting with her, learning how to make grape leaves. And so, That was like one of the most viewed ones. And then there was a summer, like I said earlier, that where it was probably the summer when the little one of the big 4 L's, he was probably 2. So it was kind of that time and, or maybe 3. And we did theme weeks in the summer. And so that was like, and it was simple. Like I would say it was a water week and then we would just, do things with water, you know, throughout the week. Yeah, and it, it kept us like where we felt like it wasn't just where you just sort of get lost with little kids in the summer, you know.

I do know, especially a summer like the last one when everything was canceled.

Oh yeah, we probably, we needed to like revive the theme weeks. But anyway, that's a whole nother story.

That's a whole nother topic. I want to talk about you being a singer and a songwriter. That is amazing. How did you become a singer and a songwriter?

So I used to sing, I sang growing up just a ton, um, but never thought it would be like a career or anything like that. I just, um, enjoyed singing. And then, uh, we actually— I got into singing in the church when we, we had moved back from Los Angeles and got married. And, um, the, the church we were going to just was looking for people that could, you know, they asked what anyone had any talents, and I really liked harmonizing and stuff. And so I got pulled in that way and, um, started singing with the leader every week, and he was like, please come sing with me every week. So, um, so I did that for 2 years, and then, um, as he left, uh, there's just other opportunities kind of came up, and then I just started, uh, realizing that I could still play the piano from a kid and kind of pick that back up. And then my kids got older, I started working with some other kids, like teaching them, you know, how to harmonize and sing. And I started playing for them and realizing I could still play and just kind of, it kind of just opened up. And technology has been really helpful with that because if I'm somewhere and a song just pops in my head, I can immediately just open up the voice memos and start recording, and so it's not lost forever. I don't know how people wrote songs back, like, I guess they would just sketch out the notes or something on the lines. But, um, but yeah, that's how. And then I would sing songs for people and not tell them that they were mine, and so I kind of got that natural, um, response where people would tell tell me later, "Hey, that song you sang last week, it's really, it's been stuck in my head. I looked it up on iTunes, can't find it." I'm like, "Huh, well, it's mine." So I'm like, "It's not on iTunes 'cause it's my song." And so there was kind of more of that push. And I ended up doing actually a Kickstarter when Kickstarter was super new to fund the whole project. And it was like a friend of a friend, Marshall, the producer was, and so He ended up liking my music and sound and so, yeah. It was a lot of fun.

I'm wondering where you get inspiration for your music.

So just life. So I've written most of the songs that I recorded are very like spiritual in nature. But I have written a lot more songs that just like, just about my experiences and stuff. So. But yeah, it's definitely been life. Like, I have a couple of my songs on that record are like from the Psalms, and you know, I like scripture a lot and find it very inspiring. Very cool.

You have so many roles. Mommy, blogger, singer, songwriter. Can you tell us how you manage to balance it all?

Oh goodness. Always, whenever people act like, oh wow, you really got it together, I'm like, uh. I mean, it's going. It's— I think I have actually kind of found a rhythm, you know. I've had to over these years. One of the things in this crazy time of the pandemic is kind of trying to have more of a set schedule, you know. I know I saw that some of your kids are doing some of the online learning and That part, you know, we got thrown into it in March. We weren't prepared. And so I kind of had the kids all gathered here. They were like all in the kitchen around the, you know, kitchen table and they were around the bar back there and it was just chaotic and crazy. And it's way calmer this time around. And I'm not saying it's great because it's still, it's hard to have that many people trying to do that many things. Not only our internet can't even handle it.

I mean, Yeah, about the internet.

Dad working at home, I'm doing things at home that are online. I've got 4, you know, the 4 different schools, and they're doing the live videos. It takes up a lot of, you know, a lot of Wi-Fi, I guess. So, but all that to say is that we're in a good groove. You know, I don't know, I just, we kind of all have our roles, and I kind of go with the flow a lot. I'm not super rigid, but yet I also keep a schedule. And during this time, I have been I have been the lunch lady, and I didn't do that last time, like, because usually the kids just kind of do their own thing. Like, I would make— for regular school, they just make their own lunches, and, you know, or they have to buy lunch. And, um, so, but for since we started back, it's their, their lunchtime is kind of spread out. It's all different times. So I've actually told them, okay, I'm making lunch, or I tell them what I'm having for breakfast, or they're like, okay, Mom, can we please have cereal today? I'm like, okay, today's a free day, you know, you can choose your breakfast. But, you know, just trying to kind of set things so it's not so like just free-for-all in the kitchen all the time and coming in for snacks.

Constant. Constant. I have 3 and it's constant, so I can't imagine with 5.

Yes, and I try to like, kitchen's closed, but it doesn't always work. And we always, I mean, especially this, during this season, there's a ton of birthdays in our family. So right now there's cake in the house. So we had my mom here for my daughter's 12th birthday, and she didn't get to leave because we started having tons of rain down here in, you know, in the Houston area. And so she stayed. And last night, normally no one would have been in the kitchen at 10:30, and my husband came down and he was like— he comes back up and he's like, Rebecca, they're all— all of the kids are in the kitchen eating cake with grandmother.

I was like, Oh gosh, the never-ending kitchen. Do you know that all 3 of them ate lunch at different times today? OK, breakfast and the lunches and the dinners. I feel like my full-time job could just be feeding them, right? I know.

It's just, I know, and I laugh. I'm like, I'm the, you know, aren't I the best lunch lady you've ever had? And they're like, yes, you are.

You know, there are perks because my son My son hates the cafeteria and would come home with a full lunch because he said it was gross in the cafeteria. So now he can come and sit in our kitchen and have a big lunch. So there are definitely our perks.

Yes. Well, I, so my oldest is actually, he's on the autism spectrum. He's very high functioning and he goes to like a fine arts high school here in Houston. And one of the biggest blessings of this, like being home is that he has gained like He's gained like 30 pounds. He was super skinny because of the medicine he takes to like kind of get through the school day.

Yeah.

Hungry and he's coming home and not eating till he gets home. But here he's like, can I have more cake?

I'm like, you put on 30 pounds.

I think you're good.

I know. I said to Lily, I said, get away from the snacks. I'm like, you can have strawberries. Blueberry or a banana. That's what your choices are. Get away from the snacks. Are your children doing a hybrid type of schedule? Are they home all the time? What is their school?

So we have until— so they're right now, they're just, just home. So we have actually to decide this week. So we're in the big Houston ISD school district, and so it's massive, and they've given us this week till Friday to decide if we're going to go in person or stay virtual for the next 6 weeks, which starts October 19th. So that's kind of the big, big thing everybody's talking about, you know. And, and because our school system is not like— you just don't feed necessarily into your neighborhood school. They have a magnet program, and so you can go to school where you want to go. Like I was saying, my older one goes to the Fine Arts High School, and it's downtown. And it's a very small school, so there's really like, it makes sense for them to go back. They need to be, I mean, they're, they're all playing instruments, they need to be in the classroom, and they can separate enough and all these things. Um, so it's obvious we're going to send him. Um, then some of the other schools are choosing different, different ways of doing in-person. And then the elementary, they're, you know, I was hearing you talk about this last week too, the elementary is doing one thing, middle school is doing something else. So But I think, I think we're gonna, we're opting to all go back, but it might look— basically what they'll do is they'll get the numbers and then for the different schools they're going to say, um, okay, well this school is going to be on an A/B schedule and your kid will go, you know, Monday, Wednesday, Friday this week and they'll go Tuesday, Thursday next week. And, um, so, but we won't know that until we just, until we hear how many people decided which I totally understand school.

It's been constant school conversations, and that's why my husband said to me last week during my vlog, he said, "You're cut off. You can go back to it." But he's like, "Next week, please take a break from talking about school." I know, I heard that. I was like, "How can we not talk about school?" It's like, it's a hot topic right now. Well, I'm gonna go tell him when we're done that I have had so many friends say to me, Of course you want to talk about school right now. That's what we're all talking about.

Yes. Tell him that's what people are interested in right now.

Okay. I am going to tell him. Sometimes he's not right. Can you tell us how old all of your children are and how you've adjusted your parenting during the pandemic, which you did touch on?

Yes. So the baby, he was born in May of last year. He's 16 months. And, and then the littlest one of the big L's, he just turned 10. Daughter just turned 12. And then the other two are about, you know, they'll have their birthdays soon. So it's, they're 13 and 15 now.

So you really had a baby after everyone was kind of—

but I can tell you that has been, I mean, his name's Jimmy and he was named for my dad. My dad had passed away literally in March and Jimmy was born in May and we had already decided Jimmy's name was going to be Jimmy and that's my dad's name. And, but he has been such, I mean, it's just, it's, he's a dream and he loves, I mean, he's going to be so sad when everybody goes back to school because he is just used to constant attention. Even just the nice thing of them being in school at home because they can just pop back down. And see him. And we're still getting some consistent, you know, quiet, just hangout time, me and him too. But, but yeah, it's, it has been quite an adjustment for sure. Like you said, I mean, everything was, so many things were canceled. We were, you know, we were here pretty much all the time. But the nice thing was like we, we took a lot of walks and until it got too hot. Yeah, so, um, so the— so that part of it kind of was good. I mean, we've definitely— we've always been a very active, busy family, and, um, you know, I try to let the kids do the different things that they're interested in, you know. So when they were little, we kind of just tried a lot of different things, and now that they're all getting a little bit older, they kind of know what they like and they're into. But it does make our evenings super busy, and, you know, um, we have had so many more meals together since this.

The best part, I know, all my kids are back to activities and I'm missing the family dinners.

Oh yeah, for sure. I had one, um, I have a baseball player, the 13-year-old, that's, um, he's an 8th grader and he's, he's still playing baseball or he's kind of picked that back up, so he does kind of head out some, but my husband usually just takes him and Yeah, we still manage to have the dinner. There's the dance and the jazz, the other kids playing baseball, and the piano lessons now get to be virtual, and that kind of helps because then we still get to all have dinner.

I know, I'm loving that most of my meetings are on Zoom so I don't have to go anywhere.

Yes, I mean, I was— so we actually had an open house, a middle school open house on Teams. So they use the Teams format last night, and it was so cool because you had to access it through your child's account and you were able to just pop in to the next one. And then they were just— they were, they were all very quick. It was like 13 minutes and then you go to the next one. Um, but I think that's the way they should do it, even when— because I don't need to be driving in Houston traffic to try to get to an open house at 6:30 at night. You know, I think there are some benefits that are going to come from this, right? I know.

I think all of the meetings should stay to Zoom so that parents don't have to leave. Yeah. We had a meeting tonight, and it said in bold letters, "In person." And I said, "No! Come on!" Why? We just do it on Zoom.

Yes. And even like last night, none of the parents showed the camera. So they all had their cameras off. So, you know, they don't even have— you don't even have to get dressed. You can be in your pajamas.

Go to PTO meeting. I hear the teachers talking to the kids, and I heard one teacher say, I'm not going to start until everyone's camera comes on. I'm like, oh my gosh, no one wants to put their camera on.

I know.

What would you say are your best parenting coping skills?

Parenting coping skills. I think it's just taking everything in stride, you know. It's like, it's like the story I told you about last night with the, you know, my husband coming up and saying that they were all four down having cake with, with my mom. And like, it could— you could just get upset about that kind of stuff because, you know, probably not the best idea to have cake when it's actually after your bedtime and people have to be up at 7. I mean, like, but right, really, it was just, it's fine, you know. It's, it's, you only live once, and you know, it's, we have birthday cake in the house and somebody's got to eat it. So I think that's the biggest thing, you just take things in stride. It's, it's, you can only plan so much and, um, appreciate this moment because it's going to be gone before we know it, you know. They just grow up so fast. They always say that, that the days are short and the years are No, years are short, the days are long, and it's true. It really is so true.

Well, that's excellent advice, and I'm going to take that advice because I think that what you're telling me— I think relaxing with parenting is, is the best coping strategy. And I think when I get too rigid and too controlling is when I start to freak out.

Mm-hmm. And I think it's a lesson like we can all take through this because How many of us would have wanted this to go a different way, right? I mean, just, you know, how many thought you're going to close the doors in March? And for us, it was right. It was right at spring break. And so you're going to, you know, head out for spring break and actually no one gets to go anywhere. And then, and then not go back to school for months and months and all be home. And it just, I think it just teaches you like, OK, you know, I really don't have control over everything and that's OK. You know, we're going to— it's going to be all right and we're going to make the best of it.

Very true. I kept telling myself during any of the days when I was like, I can't do this anymore. I was like, yes, you can. And you're all healthy. And that's all that matters. And I kept saying that to myself over and over again.

Yes, so true. I mean, it's just so much to be thankful for. We were— we had my mom with us for the first almost 80 days. Because she's— she just turned 79. She's one of the birthdays that we recently had. And yeah, it's just like, that's, that's what's important, you know. We were just— we just stuck it out, and the kids loved it. I mean, my daughter shared a room with her and the baby and never complained about it once, you know, just wanted her there. And just amazing. Like, I love giving that, that gift to the kids, you know. So it's unexpected.

I'm thinking one big happy family. I'm thinking about you.

I mean, sometimes, like, I'm right here in this room and the boys are right above me and my husband will be like, what is that? Like, you think that the ceiling's gonna fall in.

So my daughter is pacing above us right now in her bedroom and I'm like, oh my God, she's driving me crazy, stop walking.

Right. Well, the good thing that I can hear it is that like my oldest one, he'll like, he'll sneak upstairs and he's supposed to be in a class and I'm like, I can hear you. I know where you are and that's not where you're supposed to be.

I know.

You're not allowed to go to school on your bed.

I keep checking on my 13-year-old because he's hiding in his bedroom. And I walked in, you know, he's usually on his Chromebook. And I walked in and he was on his big gaming computer at his desk. And I was like, "What are you doing?" And he's like, "Mom, I just brought my earth science lab up on my computer." And I looked and he was doing work on his big huge computer. I was like, "Oops, okay." But you never know. You better not be gaming.

Yes.

Can you tell us what just inspires you to get up in the morning?

Um, definitely my kiddos. Like, they are just— they're everything to me. And just having the opportunity to be their mom— like, I always wanted to have a big family. And my husband grew up in a family with— he has 3 sisters. And, um, I just loved that, like, they were so loud and there were so many of them and just, you know, opinions and just It was crazy. We were just— my family, we were really spread out. There was 3 of us, but I am 13 years younger than my brother and 8 years younger than my sister. And so it's just, it's almost like we had 2 sets of families, you know. He just— by the time I went to kindergarten, he was headed to college. And so it's just different. There was nobody yelling and fighting. We just got along great. So But yeah, it's just those kids, like, they're just— they, they mean so much to me. And, um, I just, I love, I love watching them grow and, and do their thing and shine and find their gifts. And, um, and, and talk to them, you know. It's so, it's so amazing to have— to look back at little, the little kids and see that now, I mean, I can have really serious conversations with them about why I'm wanting to do something a certain way. And they actually will listen, you know, rather than just me just saying, well, we're making a decision, we're doing this as family. I, I'll sit down and say, I want you to understand why, you know, this is what happened in my background and this is why I think this way. And they're like, oh, okay, you know, like, that's wonderful.

I lost my question. What's the best advice you have ever gotten?

The best advice Hmm, I definitely— I don't know where it came from, and I just know it's something I always tell my husband, and I've told my kids too. It's the— it's to be a truth teller. And even if, even if it's the hard things, if people know that you're someone that they can trust, and, you know, even when it's It's, you know, when you've done wrong, if you know, you know, I can count on you that you're just not going to lie to me, it goes a long way with people, like building trust. And so that's something that I've been told along the way and tried to carry with me along the way and then try to instill in the kids, you know, just how valuable that is because there's the, you know, the Oreos are all over your face and you ask the question, did you get into the Oreos? And they're like, look at you covered in cookies and—

no?

Okay, well, no, you're not gonna get in trouble if you tell the truth. I'm not saying there won't be a consequence, but you're not gonna get in trouble. I just want you to tell me the truth. Okay, yes. How'd you know I got into the Oreos? Or whatever, you know, like right now they're not good, they're still not good at hiding things. Like they'll just leave the wrappers and— yes, the mama just knows.

My 7-year-old has gone from telling me she didn't do it to now it's, "Well, I didn't mean to do it." I'm like, well, at least she's telling me. How does that work? At least we're making progress. Yes. Be honest.

Be honest.

I'm gonna keep telling her. It's my button. You hit my button. Honesty is my big button, and I tell everyone, just be honest with me. So important.

It's so powerful. It really is. Because I feel like, you know, that there, there are some things, like there's, there's a situation I'm in right now where I've been volunteering somewhere and I'm gonna have to step away. And, um, you know, it's, it's important to me to be able to tell the right peo— you know, tell people before I step. You know, I need to tell the person that I promised I would do this and why and, you know, that kind of thing. So that way people, they know they can count on you, and if something changes, they know that you're going to tell them the truth, and it means a lot.

I totally agree. I think you touched on this a little bit, but can you tell us what your biggest challenge is right now?

Uh, I think it's just, it's kind of balancing the, the, the school situation and keeping the kids safe and trying to you know, keep peace in the house in the middle of all that. You know, trying to keep the kids like— there's a way I can sort of track what they're doing, but I also want to be able to let them be like normal kids when they're in school. And if they're in school normally, I'm not, you know, popping into their classroom to see if they're on task, right? That's a little challenging, especially with my older one, because he is the one that he does have, you know, he's on the autism spectrum. He needs a little bit more help. But I also, it's very challenging for me because I've got the 3 others in school and the baby, and I can't, you know, I can't kind of meet all those needs. I actually have reached out to the school to say, because he does, does have things that they do for him when he's in the school, so I've asked them to meet those accommodations at home the best they can, meaning that they check in with him regularly. They walk through and make sure he's doing his assignments because I just can't, I can't be his assistant and take care of everybody else.

No, you have a lot going on.

Well, and I think that's the thing, you know, it's, it's not being afraid to ask for, like, there are certain things I'm really good at and I know how to do. And like you said, like, this one is, it's a big challenge for me, like kind of keeping them all in their school. That's why I'm really excited excited for them to get back in.

Yes.

But not being afraid to ask for help, right? Like, I needed help. I need help with him in high school to keep him on track. And I'm, you know, I'm still having to do that too. But I also just need the help from the school as well. And they're really good about now, like, reaching out to me like, Ms. El-Hakim, Bakri didn't show up for geometry today. Really? Exactly.

It's hard because we get this— I don't know where this comes from. It must come from our mothers and their mothers, but it's this superwoman complex. And I try to remind myself that I don't have to do all the parenting by myself. I can't do it.

Yeah, it's so true. I think there's a— I've seen it on a couple of pages. It's like a— there's a meme going around right now. It's like a mom and she's like, I'm drowning, I really need help. And the person's like, wow, you're amazing. No, but I really need— like, I don't know why I'm doing this. And they're like, but you're super mom, you know. It's just like they're just not getting it because they just think, well, you, you got all these kids, you must have it all together.

It's like, no, help me. Yes, help. I know my friend is telling me, I'll drive Lily, I'll drive her there and I'll bring her home. And I'm like, oh, I feel so bad, but I need you to do that. So what else do you want to share with us that I haven't asked you tonight?

Oh, I just, it's so much fun getting to talk to you. Just to be able to like, you know, I, one of the things I've really missed out on, and I'm sure other people are too, is just being able to have these like one-on-one conversations with other moms and other people that are sharing the same experiences. Like, You know, I put a lot out there and I'm blogging and posting on Facebook and Instagram and stuff. But like just being able to interact, you know, it's hard. I was talking to a friend today and she's like, I miss you. And we live like— she lives a few streets away, but we just don't see each other because this whole thing is just— anyway, so I really, really have enjoyed getting to talk to you.

Me too.

I think that's maybe something that we should leave with others, you know, like this try to take, take a little time to reach out to a friend and have the conversations, have some face-to-face if you can safely, or do the Zoom.

For sure. Well, you're just reminding me because I'm having this wonderful conversation with you over Zoom, and my friend was just texting me before I talked to you that she's not comfortable seeing people right now. I'm talking to you thinking, why didn't I suggest Zoom?

Yeah, I'm—

so when I do it, so I'm gonna go text her and tell her, you don't have to see me in person, we're gonna do a Zoom call.

Yes, yeah, and just give her a warning, you know, so she can have clothes on. Yes, it's like, have you ever had anyone accidentally FaceTime you and you're like, uh, I'm not answering that. Like, I just got out of bed, or, you know, I'm in the bathroom.

What's happening?

Why are you FaceTiming me?

That has definitely happened.

A warning is good.

A warning is good. Can you tell our audience where to go to learn more about you?

So I have two websites. I have rebeccame.com and Rebecca, the way my mama spelled it— I have no credit for this— is the Old Testament Meh. So it's the Rebecca, R-E-B-E-K-A-H, and Meh, which stands for Maddox El Hakim, my full name. But yeah, so rebeccameh.com. And then I have elmama, and mama is M-O-M-M-A. That's also a Texas thing. So elmama.com and rebeccameh.com, those are places you can find me.

And you said your music was on iTunes? Yeah, they can find your music.

Yeah, but if they go to RebeccaMee.com, then they'll see how my name is spelled and then they can search it. My album was called Radiant You, so you can search that too.

I love that title. That's beautiful.

Thank you.

Well, thank you so much for joining me. I had so much fun getting to know you.

Oh, this was wonderful. Thank you.

So this is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast. Reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.