The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 010 The Lefkoe Method

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family. This is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast. Today I'm so excited to have Shelli Lefkoe joining me. Hi, Shelli.

Hi, Rebecca.

Thank you so much for joining me today.

It's my pleasure.

So Shelley Lefkoe is a co-founder of the Lefkoe Institute, a San Francisco Bay Area firm whose mission is to significantly improve the quality of life on the planet by having people recreate their lives and live as the unlimited possibilities they are. Shelley has had the privilege of helping thousands of clients worldwide rid themselves of a wide variety of problems, including phobias, relationships that never seem to work, violence, procrastination, unwillingness to confront people, health and wellness issues, and sexual dysfunction. Her clients have been able to eliminate emotional patterns such as fear, hostility, shyness, anxiety, depression, worry about what people think of them, and a negative sense of themselves. Her programs have reached over 150,000 people worldwide. Her work has been featured on the Today Show, Liza, and many other media outlets. Shelli is a keynote speaker and workshop leader. Her personal vision is to transform the way people parent She believes that if we raise a conscious generation of children, violence will end, people will treat each other with respect and dignity, and life on this planet will be better for everyone. Wow, Shelley, this is, this is super impressive, and as a social worker, I'm so intrigued and excited to learn more.

Ah, good, I'm excited.

You've helped so many people.

Wow. Just wow.

So I think one of the most exciting things I did, Rebecca, right before we closed down shop on the planet, I spoke in Russia about parenting at a parenting conference. And I was surrounded by I don't know, 200 people that were so hungry for this information.

Yes.

Yes.

Really is something that's happening all over the world. I did it in Croatia. I was supposed to go to Vietnam. That one unfortunately got canceled, but there's people all over who really want to be the best parents they can be.

Well, and you're helping people in all different countries become better parents. So that is, Wow. Good for you. I love this. Can you tell us how the Let Go Institute began?

Yes. Um, my husband, my late husband, my beloved, um, basically was struggling in life. Like everything that was supposed to turn out didn't. He was depressed a lot of his life. And, um, he did every kind of self-help thing that there was and he made changes and he grew, but Nothing really shifted. And he was on a plane going to pitch a client at the time. He was doing consulting. And I won't go into the whole story. It's a great story. But he started journaling and he just started writing, like, why is everything so hard? Why is my life struggle and effort? And at the end of this writing, came out, came this process. And he basically realized 30 years ago— now everybody's talking about this— 30 years ago, Rebecca, he realized that underlying all of our pain and suffering, all of our unwanted patterns, whether it's procrastination, worrying about what people think of you, um, not going for your dreams, getting into crappy relationships and staying in them, that underlying every behavior or emotional patterns are these beliefs. And most of them are unconscious.

Yeah.

They get formed early in life and they get formed mostly with interactions with our parents or lack thereof.

Oh geez, I better be careful with what I'm doing. Hello, dear kids. I have a 13-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an 8-year-old.

Okay. Well, I know one thing about you is that your kids have a really good dad because when I did his podcast, he changed the time on me because your child's soccer game was changed and he apologized to me. And I said, are you kidding? I wish every father would do that. I said, I'm good.

Oh, well, thank you for being understanding. And he definitely— we love that he owns his own businesses because he can most of the time work around our schedule and everything going on. So I'm thankful that he's present.

And when he also told me, Rebecca, that Um, he, you know, had this fear of singing from his childhood, but when your daughter asked him to sing—

makes me cry—

I know, when your daughter asked him with her, yeah, despite his fear, he did it. And what I teach and what we're going to talk about is what would a child conclude? What would she say to herself? Yes, my dad cancelled a business appointment to be at my game. My dad sang with me even though he was so scared. Yes. Wow. Yes. I must be important.

Oh, well, and I'm going to tell you something really funny before I ask you more questions. For our wedding, I think he told you he sang for me. And if you saw him before we got married, I wanted to cry because I was like, does he not want to marry me? Why does he look so anxious? And I was like, I'm like so excited and over to the moon and I can't wait. And he threw me off because he looked so scared and he wouldn't tell me why. And then when he sang, he said, honey, I've been nervous because I was gonna sing for you. And I'm like, if you would have told me, I wouldn't have felt so bad.

So great. What a great story. Yeah, he's a gem.

Yes, I found, I found a good husband and I tell him all the time I'm gonna keep him.

Good. That's very smart.

I don't know if this is, you know, a loaded question. This might be a very hard question, but how do we uncover our negative beliefs? Hmm.

So let me start by how they get formed.

Yes.

So children come into this world and I always say they're these little balls of consciousness. And they don't know anything about themselves, people, life, money, the world.

Yes.

And they come into your house and they look at you or your partner or your spouse, or if you're a single parent, just you. And I always ask parents, and as you said, you know, I have clients in every country around the world and the clients that I do the belief work, not parenting work, but I ask them, what does your little one do when you walk into the house at the end of the day? And Virgen, I ask all your listeners, when you walk into the house at the end of the day, what does your 3, 4, or 5-year-old do when they see you? So what do they do when they see their parent?

Get very excited.

And they Run. Yes.

Run to them.

Yes. And they want 3 things. So the first thing they want is a hug, right? So they want love. What's the second thing? They haven't seen you all day. What do they want from you?

Attention.

Attention. So everybody answer these questions, right? And here's why I don't just tell you, because I want to show you that I'm not making this up. So Rebecca and I just met and she knows They want affection, attention, and acknowledgement. Wow, look what you did. And they go, you know, like, like that.

Yes.

So children want affection, attention, and acknowledgement, right? Now, what is the one-word question every 4, 5, or 6-year-old asks all day long?

Little ones.

One-word question.

So if you tell a child, no, you can't, what do they want to know? Why?

Why?

Why?

Why is the sky blue? Why can't you play with me? Why do I have to go to sleep? Why can't I have pizza? Why can't I have a friend over all day?

Yes.

So if a child doesn't know anything and they're criticized all the time by mom or dad, they say, Why can't I live up to my parents' expectations? I must not be good enough.

Yeah.

Why are my parents looking at their iPhone when they talk to me? Oh, I must not be important. Why don't I get hugs and kisses?

I'm—

I must not be lovable. Why do I get yelled at every time I make a mistake or fail to do something? I guess mistakes and failures are bad. Why are my parents struggling and always complaining about the bills? Well, I guess life is hard. I guess money is scarce and hard to get. So, we make sense of the world based on our little world because we don't know that there's a bigger world.

Absolutely.

So to your question, how do we uncover these beliefs? Yeah, the— my work is, is about prevention.

Okay.

When I work with parents who are— have young children I'm— my, my hope is that they will parent them differently. And, you know, I have a parenting course called Empowering the Next Generation, which is 8 modules of how to parent in a way that your children are more likely to form positive beliefs than negative beliefs. I would definitely teach what your husband did to, you know, when you're on the road and you're traveling, you know, call your child and say, tell me about your day, you know, Zoom or FaceTime or whatever you have, you know, tell me about the game. What was it like? I wish I was there. 10 minutes will make a profound difference.

Yes.

Profound. So, um, when you ask me, how do you uncover the beliefs, are you talking about your beliefs or your children's beliefs?

So I would say, you know, I don't know if you're— it sounds like you're working with parents. So I guess if we uncover— if you're working with a parent and we uncover the parent's negative beliefs, I'm assuming that's going to help them not pass that on to their children. Is that correct?

100%. So, because, yeah, because if you get rid of the belief, like, um, what makes me good enough are my achievements. So now you're a workaholic, right? And all you care about is my kids getting an A. They're not getting— I always ask parents, you know, well, how is your kid? And they'll say, oh, they get straight A's. I said, I asked how they are. I didn't ask for their report cards.

Right, right.

So you want to raise— this is a gem, so it's a little Shelley Gems.

Yes.

You want to raise human beings, not human doings.

Yes.

So at funerals they don't say she got a 4.0 and she owned two businesses and she created, you know, she was on Shark Tank. Nobody cares. What they say is, he, he moved a session with me to be with his child.

Oh, that's who you are.

He sang with his child even though he was afraid. He sang to his wife even though he was afraid.

That's who he was.

Nobody cares about your accomplishments. But to your question, If you get rid of the belief, what makes me good enough are my achievements, and/or what makes me good enough is having other people think well of me. Now you're going to parent differently. You're going to say to your kid, I love being with you. You're such a joy to be with. You know, your smile, you know, or, oh God, you were so kind to your sister today. Where the child says, wow, I must be awesome, you know. Yeah. So you acknowledge them for being, not just doing.

Yes.

You know, and, and so you're working on yourself and eliminating your beliefs will totally determine how you parent.

Well, and I think that people aren't aware of their negative beliefs. So that, I think that's problem number one, is that we're all walking around with negative beliefs but we don't know we have them. So I think that step one is how do we even help these people uncover them, uncover them so that they can get rid of them.

So my work is pretty logical.

Yeah.

Also, you have emotion around all of this and you have beliefs that keep you from looking at this stuff. But here's, here's the thing.

You—

we all have patterns of behavior or emotions. I feel anxious all the time. And I would say, well, what do you believe that has you feel anxious all the time? So I just worked with a woman who um, when she was little, every time, um, her father walked in— he was a rageaholic, an alcoholic— every time he walked in the house, so, you know, the things were going fine and bad things would happen. And so she had the belief bad things are going to happen. Um, and, and so she woke up every morning in this like state of like anxiety because she believes bad things are going to happen. Um, if you pick men, um, who are emotionally unavailable or abusive, or you stay in relationships that you shouldn't, you can stop and ask yourself, you know, when you have what I call an unwanted pattern, it's a behavior that you— or an emotion that you don't want to have, you want to change. So the first step is actually just looking at What do I believe? What must— what would somebody have to believe to stay in a relationship where somebody mistreats me? And it's pretty logical, you know, it's I'm not worth it, or I'm not worthy, or I don't deserve to be treated well, or I'm not important. You might have beliefs about men. You know, men have all the power, depending on what you saw as a child. So, so you literally look at what you don't want and ask yourself, what might somebody believe? See, because our lives are consistent with our beliefs. If you believe my child is more important than anything else, I hate to beat a dead horse, but if I believe my child is more important than anything else, you will cancel a business appointment for your child. If you believe, you know, I have to live up to expectations in order to be okay, then you're not going to do that. You're going to be afraid you're going to disappoint somebody or not, or have to please people in order to be loved. You know, then you're going to be a people pleaser. So uncovering the beliefs Uh, is fairly logical, although it's also not necessarily easy, right? We have a course where we teach that in— it's a whole course on how to uncover, you know, your negative beliefs and then how to eliminate them.

Okay, so that was my next question. So if I'm finding out that— if I'm looking at my pattern of how I'm acting every day and I'm finding that I'm anxious every day and I'm worried bad things are going to happen Then the next step is, how do I get rid of that belief? Yeah, it sounds like that's a complicated answer.

Well, it is, it is. And, um, so the first thing is, anybody listening to me, at the end I'm going to tell you how to eliminate a belief for free so you can actually experience it. Um, and you can see how I did it with Seth. Um, on, on air, which was pretty cool. Uh, we just kind of jumped into it, which was awesome. Um, here's the thing that I want you to all look at. Imagine somebody is— imagine you think somebody doesn't like you, and you and I are standing in the street, and that person walks past you and doesn't say hello. Wouldn't you say to me, 'See, I told you they don't like me'?

Yes.

And it is as if you can see 'they don't like me'. You cannot see 'they don't like me'. You can see this. Yeah. So anything you could see has a color shape, and location. So we think we see our beliefs, Rebecca, in the world. So close— everybody close your eyes and imagine your mom or dad is criticizing you. And very few people have a hard time with that.

Oh no, that's terrible.

Yeah.

Doesn't it seem like you saw, "I'm not good enough"? Or imagine that you're in school and you fail a lot of courses or you don't do well in school. Doesn't it seem like you saw, "I'm stupid"? Yes. So first of all, one way of interpreting those events is You were good enough and your parents didn't have parenting skills. They didn't know how to say learning opportunity when you made a mistake or didn't do things that they wanted. They just didn't. So is that a valid interpretation?

Yes.

Good.

And another one is, you know, I was good enough and my parents had unrealistic expectations.

Yes.

So parents expect 5-year-olds to sit still in a restaurant. 5-year-olds don't sit still in a restaurant.

Yeah, that's funny, right?

And they don't say to their kid, honey, you're 5 years old and full of energy. It's so hard to sit still. But you can't run around the restaurant because it disturbs people. Let's play a game at the table. And what they say is, get over here, sit down right now. What's wrong with you? You know, so, so one interpretation is people have unrealistic expectations, and your parents had unrealistic expectations. Is that a valid interpretation?

Absolutely.

Good. And even if your parents thought you weren't good enough, that doesn't mean it's true.

Yes, yes, Seth and I have talked about that. Yes.

Good. So here's the deal. If there are other valid ways of interpreting the same events, Is what you said, I'm not good enough, or I'm stupid, or whatever, is that the truth, or is it simply one valid interpretation?

Yes, so many ways to look at it.

Yes, one interpretation.

Yes.

Now everybody ask yourself, doesn't it feel like you saw I'm not good enough?

Yes.

Did you ever see? I'm not good enough. Does I'm not good enough have a color, shape, location?

No.

No. What did you see?

I saw— I interpreted.

No, no, no, no. What did you see? Now, what did you interpret?

What did you see? I saw appearance.

So you see your parents doing what? Um, maybe yelling.

So you see your parent yelling at you, saying, why didn't you do this? What's wrong with you? You don't think like my father said. You don't use your head. So I see your parents being upset with you, yelling, their behavior. You could see their facial expressions. You could see— you could see them saying— see them saying whatever they said.

Yes.

Where was 'I'm not good enough'?

In my mind.

Perfect. So the only place 'I'm not good enough' exists is in your mind. You made that up. Yes. So here's what you want to know from this. You're— now there's a second, there's more to the process, but I want to just do that piece. There's more. Sorry. Your children think they're seeing, I'm not important, or what I have to say is not important. What they're seeing is you looking at your phone while they're talking to you.

Yes. Yeah.

Now here's— this is the most important thing I'm going to say. You can't— let me— it's double negatives, so it's hard. It is impossible to not believe something you think you saw.

Really?

It's impossible to not If I said to you, I'm a blonde, what would you say?

I don't, I don't think that you're a blonde.

Would you say no? If I said I'm a blonde, what would you say?

No, you're not a blonde.

No, you're not a blonde. If I said to you, my phone is green, what would you say to me? If somebody said Shelly's phone, Shelly's phone case is green, you'd say No, it's not. And they say, no, it is. And you'd say, well, unless she got a new one, it's red. So you— if you think you see something, it is impossible to not believe it's true. You can't say, yeah, I see it, but I don't believe it. No, I believe it because I see it. So anyway, that's another piece of this. But, but, but what if you believe that you saw— here's a good example. You believe that you can trust your spouse or your partner, and you have believed that for 30 years. And one day you walk in a room and they're in bed with your best friend having sex. What happens to the belief, I can trust them?

It goes bye-bye.

And if somebody said, no, no, you can trust them, I'm telling you, you can believe me, you can trust them. What would you say?

No, I can't.

I just saw that I can't.

Right, right.

So, so if you believe that's what you're seeing— I can't trust them— then you're not going to trust them. And you'd have to get rid of the belief by seeing that you never saw I can't trust him. I just saw that you know, he wasn't really having sex, he was giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation because she was dying. And you go, oh God, I never saw— I can't trust him, I made that up. Now you believe, right?

Right.

That was actually great. I never put that second part in. I like that.

I like that too.

I was just thinking that as a child, if you interpret your parent as not thinking you're good enough, you're seeing that Can't you teach your child to see it a different way?

Yes.

Instead of seeing, I'm not good enough, or, you know, my son will say, you always expect me to get high grades, your expectation, you know, your expectations are too high. Like, can't we teach them to look at it a different way?

Yes. So So what you can— this is a lot of dependent, you know, when I talk and speak, unfortunately it's always age-related. You know, I said to someone this morning, I felt so old yesterday because one of my clients who I worked with 15 years ago had her 14-year-old daughter come to me yesterday. And this is what I don't want.

You don't want my 13-year-old son?

I do not.

I want to end the cycle so I can retire and go live in Hawaii with my daughter.

Oh, Hawaii.

Anyways, I'm going Thursday. And it's funny, I once said to her, I said, you know, Blake, I'm so tired. I think I'm just going to pack it in and just come live with you. And she goes, let me think about it. No.

So nice of her.

Yes. Let me think about it. No. So this is called nipping negative beliefs in the bud. So your child comes home and says, "All the kids hate me." And you go, "Wow." Well, you feel like all the kids hate you. So the first and most important thing as a parent that you can do is validate feelings. "Wow, you feel like all the kids hate you? Wow. What happened, honey?" They tell you, and you just play possibilities. And you say, "Well, it could mean that all the kids hate you." And it could mean that the kid was only allowed a certain amount of kids at her birthday party. And it could mean that that child had a bad day and took it out on you. And it could mean that they're bullying you because they're afraid to stand up for themselves, but it doesn't mean everybody hates you.

Right.

So, so then you can, you can say to the child, did you ever see it in your world that everybody hates me? All the people in the whole world? No, I never saw that. I made that up. So if your child says, you expect me to get good grades, you can say, well, when you don't, what do you say to yourself? Well, I'm stupid. Well, like my grandson. So I have a 7-year-old grandson. He's on Zoom. He's not writing his letters well. He's having trouble holding the pencil. And he gets off and he says to my daughter, I'm a screw-up. So he's laying in bed with her and she's holding him, and they call me, and he— and she says, tell Mimi what happened. So he tells me, and he says, I'm a screw-up. And I said, well, it could mean you're a screw-up. What else could it mean? It could mean that I just haven't learned to hold the pencil yet. I said, that's right. What else could it mean? And it could mean that you haven't learned to write yet doesn't mean you'll never learn to write. And even if you are not a good writer now, you're good at a lot of other things. So did you ever see that you're a screw-up? You know, and then, um, you know, one of the things that I teach, um, is about meaning. So meaning is in your mind. Right? Something happens and you give meaning. Oh God, my son failed math. And you, you're off to the races. He's never going to get into Harvard and he's not going to go to a good school and he's going to be a ne'er-do-well. And you go crazy.

Yeah.

That's the meaning that you're giving the events. But the events don't have inherent meaning. You don't know anything for sure because your son failed math other than they failed math. Could be the teacher. Could be he's not enjoying school. It could be he's not learning in his learning style. So when you get your children to see that the meaning they gave the events is never the— you don't tell children events have no meaning because they can't make the distinction between something doesn't matter and something has no meaning.

Yeah.

So my husband died. That matters to me. It's devastating. I hate it. But it doesn't mean I'll never be happy again, or I'll never get married again, or I'll never love again, or I'm going to starve to death. And those were the meanings that didn't get me out of bed. And when I got rid of the meanings, um, I didn't— I got rid of the feelings. So, um, the meanings that you give events come from your beliefs.

Yeah.

So if you have a belief, what makes me good enough is achieving things, and now your kid doesn't achieve something, the meaning you give it is, I'm a loser. It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with your kid. So you want to look at what meaning you're giving events and try to get that you don't know anything for sure because your child mouths off at you. And you go, what's, what's the meaning everybody gives automatically without question? Your child mouths off at you. What's the meaning you give it?

Well, I, I know too much, right?

But what if you're a typical parent? What do you do?

Um, I would say a typical parent would say they don't respect me. Exactly.

They don't respect me. That's it. And it could mean they don't respect you, and it could mean they feel safe enough with you to let their anger and upset out with you, and it could mean they're a teenager and that's how teenagers talk. Yeah, but the fact that they do it doesn't mean anything. Now you can say, my preference is that you don't speak to me that way, if you want. But it doesn't mean anything. I'll tell you a story. It's a great story. My younger daughter walks in the house one day, 14 years old, hormonal teenager, had a bad day, something, whatever. And she and my husband got— now, my husband was an angel. He never got angry. He was like, He was amazing. Not like me. Oh, he was amazing.

That's impressive.

And she just, she just, I've never seen, she was really upset. And I don't know what he said. It was like totally innocuous. And she looks at him, Rebecca, and she goes, oh my God, you're being such a dick. And I rise off my chair and I'm on my way. And Morty, my husband, says, "Shelley, relax. It's a word." She goes to her room. She slams the door, and he walks up to the door of her room, and he says, "I hear a teenager who loves her father and is not in touch with it at this very moment." Oh, wow! She throws her sneaker at the door. I hear giggles and then she comes out and she goes, oh, Daddy, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I spoke to you like that. Oh my God. And he goes, honey, relax. He goes, she goes, Daddy, I had such a terrible day. And he said, I knew something was up, honey, for you to talk to me that way. I want to tell you something.

What a good dad.

Last Mother's Day, we were sitting out at the jacuzzi, she and I, and she said to me, 'You know, Mom, it wasn't what he said that changed everything for me. It was in that moment I knew that I was unconditionally loved, no matter what.' And their relationship From the day, from that day to the day he died, his proudest moment was that she used to hold his hand in the street when she was a teenager.

That's unbelievable. He sounds like he was an amazing father.

He told my kids, you are not on this earth to live up to our expectations. You are here to do your life, and we are here to guide you and keep you safe until you can do that on your own.

I'm going to take that and remember that because that is a fabulous line. Yes.

Now, here's what he said that was so— what I told him. Which I love. No matter what you do, somebody's not going to like it. Because the belief I had, what makes me good enough is having other people think well of me, ran my life. So I told my kids, no matter what you do, somebody's not going to like it, so you may as well do what you want. Before you do anything, stop and ask yourself What might the consequences of my actions be? And do I want to live with those consequences? So when my daughter was a teenager, same daughter, not Hawaii, she was at a party and they got in the car at the top of the hill. There was no cell service up there. And she heard that the— she found out that the designated driver had, had 2 drinks, and she came home and she said, Mom, you're going to be so happy. And I said, why? And she said, because I didn't ask myself, what will people think if I get out of this car? I asked myself, what will the consequences be if I stay in?

What a great lesson. Yeah.

So if you tell your kids that they're not here to live up to your expectations— so Morty used to say, if you're not hurting yourself another, or property, something. You could do whatever you want. I'm not your boss. That's what my parenting— one of my parenting, um, modules is about. You're not the boss of your child, you're their guardian angel.

I like that.

So if they don't have to live up to your expectations, they don't have to live up to anybody's expectations. And here's the thing, I am one of the most committed— if I'm working with you, I'm going to help you. That's, that's the truth. However, I have zero interest in living up to your expectations. I have a major interest in making a difference in your life. Whether or not I live up to your expectations, not my business. And if your kids could have that, you know, when my daughter went to— my kids went to an alternative school with no grades, no tests, and no homework.

No way.

And she got into one of the top 10 universities in the country. So there's that. My other daughter is a passionate surfer who lives in Hawaii.

—and um, passionate surfer, did you say?

Surfer, big wave surfer. Very cool. Yeah, yeah. So, um, uh, so my— so when we moved to California from, um, from Connecticut, um, she was going to go to— we thought it was a progressive school. It was high school. And so, um, a teacher said to her— she's 14 years old, first time in like real big girl school, we called it. This teacher said she questioned the teacher and said, I don't agree with you, I don't think what you said is true. So the teacher says, tells her to stay after school and after class, and she says, don't you ever dare question me in front of my class again. And my daughter said, with all due respect, She said, if you don't want me to do it in front of the class, I won't, but I will, I will question you because my parents and my teachers taught me to question authority. Well, good for her. And she says, well, I'm very disappointed in you, Brittany. And my daughter looks at her and she says, you know, I'm not here to live up to your expectations. She says, I'm here to get an education and you're here to give me one.

Oh my, did you get a phone call? I did, I did.

And the teacher said it was pretty interesting. She said no kid had ever talked to her that way. She said, "Jelly, she was incredibly respectful." Yeah. She was not disrespectful. She just said to her, you know, "I'm here to get an education and you're my teacher and you're here to give me one, but that I'm not here to live up to your expectations." She said, "I went home and I thought about it all night." I mean, I have to tell you, you, you called them Shelley gems.

I feel as though, you know, I'm going to go back and listen to this and take notes because I am not taking notes as you're speaking, but you are full of so much wisdom. I sincerely could talk to you for hours and hours and hours. Oh, thank you, sweetie. You are so interesting and so wise. Thank you. And I, I have to say, I have so many questions for you. I could just go on and on and on, but I would love to know if there's anything that we haven't touched on that you want to talk about before I wrap up.

Yes, the most important thing. Yes. Okay, if your beliefs determine how your life is going to turn out, I have clients who went to Harvard and have PhDs and can't get a job. They're miserable and unhappy. I have clients who never graduated high school who are worth millions. So your child's beliefs are going to determine how successful they are in life. And by successful, I mean what kind of relationships they're going to have, um, who who, um, who they choose to spend their life with, the kind of friends they pick, the jobs they have, if they're going to be just to make a lot of money and have to prove themselves all the time. So if your beliefs create your life, what is your job as a parent? I need to give my kids some good beliefs. So every time your child walks away from you, stop and ask yourself What might they just have concluded out of that interaction? And how can I fix it or clean it up? So if they walk away feeling like a loser, you go over to them and say, you know, I lost my temper. I said things I shouldn't have. You are a winner. This has nothing to do with you. You know, like that.

That's excellent advice. I get upset with myself every single time I lose my cool. And I always say, okay, reset and do better because I, I never will give up. Every single day I try to do better. I am going to tell you that I screw up every single day, but I never stop trying.

And we all do. I was not the perfect mother. There is no such thing as the perfect mother. And I want you to know that here's the other thing. If I said to you, you are going to be responsible for the— I have a job for you. You're going to be responsible for the emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual development of a human being. Would you say to me, piece of cake? Never. Never. And yet, do we take courses? Do we study? Now, no, obviously, you know, nobody buys CDs anymore. So I now use this to keep my computer up high, but, but it is my legacy in this lifetime. So of course we have this streaming and it used to be called Parenting the Lefkoe Way and it's now Empowering the Next Generation. And if you really care about your kids, This has every Shelley bit of gem, Shelley gems in there. And it also teaches you what beliefs cause what behaviors. And I also said, if you want to eliminate a belief, go to recreateyourlife.com, R-E-C-R-E-A-T-E, recreateyourlife.com. And we have 3 of the most common beliefs that everybody has, and you can eliminate them for free.

And yeah, where else can they go to find you? Because I found you in multiple places.

Can you tell everyone? Multiple places. So you can go to lefkoeinstitute.com. That's L-E-F-K-O-E. And but Recreate Your Life is a good place because we offer 19 self-esteem belief course that you can take and eliminate all the beliefs that you have so that you could be the best parent you can be. You can go to empoweringthenextgeneration.com and, you know, get the parenting course. Those are the best places to find me.

Well, Shelley, it has been absolutely wonderful talking to you. I love the work that you're doing. I think that being a parent is the most important job that we all have, and I love that you're helping all of us do a better job. And I want to thank you so much for your time. So lovely to meet you.

Wonderful. I'm sorry I didn't get to answer all your questions.

No, I could, I could talk to you for another hour. We're gonna have to do this again.

We'll do it just with your questions.

So this is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.