The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 002 Raising Complex Kids in the Age of COVID

No need to whine, it's whiny blues. Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Blues Podcast with Rebecca Green. Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast. Today we have Elaine Taylor-Klaus with us. Elaine is a coach and parent educator with an award-winning blog, impactparents.com. She has a book that came out on September 1st, The Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids with ADHD, Anxiety, and More. Thank you so much for joining me.

I am so thrilled to be here. Thank you.

What an exciting resume right there that we have to dig into. I want to learn about you.

I'm excited.

So first, I would love to know what inspired you to start your blog.

So what inspired me was, you know, I think this happens to a lot of women that, you know, they say that motherhood is— necessity is the mother of invention, but I think motherhood is the necessity of invention. Right?

Yes.

And I had 1 and then 2 and then 3 complex kids, as I call them, kids who kind of were struggling with some aspects of life or learning. Some had ADHD, some had anxiety, some had learning disabilities. Oh boy. And it was hard. And I couldn't figure out how to do it, and I wasn't getting the support I needed. And I had really great professionals in my life who were well-intended, who were trying to be helpful, but they weren't really giving me the help I needed as a mom. They were telling me what to do, but nobody was helping me figure out how to do it in a way that worked for my kids. Okay.

Yeah.

And so, you know, the long story short is that when I discovered this thing called coaching, which I had never heard of, and I thought I was on my way to become a therapist to help other parents because I really felt like nobody should have to go through alone what I went through those first 10 years. I mean, it was really hard. And then And then I discovered coaching. It was like, wow, this is great. This is so much better than therapy. It's uplifting. It's positive. It's forward. And so I became a coach. And then shortly thereafter, I started writing. And I've been writing ever since. It's like my therapy. Yeah.

I feel the exact same way. And I will feel very stressed out. And when I start putting it to paper or start typing, I I totally know what you're saying. I feel the same way.

It's kind of how I figure out what I think. I may not be able to articulate it really well, but if I can write it, then I can figure it out, and then I can articulate it.

Yes, I totally agree with you. Can you tell us what else you are doing besides the blog? Because you have other exciting things.

Yeah, it's— we've been around. So ultimately we ended up creating— I met this fabulous woman named Diane Dempster, my business partner for now almost 10 years. And I know it's kind of wild. And, and what we had discovered was that when we became coaches, we became better parents. And it wasn't rocket science, like you could actually teach this and learn this. And what was really cool was that it worked for me as a mom with 3 complex kids and ADHD myself, because I was diagnosed at about 40. As my kids were diagnosed, I finally began to figure out it couldn't just be You know, so that is so funny.

I thought I was reading the email wrong about you having ADHD, and I reread that line a few times.

I was diagnosed with ADHD and learning, learning issues at 40 years old.

Wow.

So because my kids were— and this happens, we get a lot of people who come to us, it's like, you know, I'm reading about my kids and I feel like I'm reading about myself. Interesting. So, but what was different was that Diane did not have learning issues and I did have them, and this worked for both of us. So then we knew we were really on to something. So we started off with creating community. We knew that parents of complex kids needed other parents to talk to. We didn't need therapy. We didn't— like, we just needed connection and community, and we needed to be able to learn with each other. So we started this company. We started an online resource called Impact ADHD, a really, really cool website, and, and started doing group coaching and training and, and recently have expanded to Impact Parents because what we discovered years ago is that it wasn't just ADHD, it was all these different issues. And so we've been supporting parents with all kinds of complex kids for a decade and finally expanded to Impact Parents so that we do— we basically, we do 3 things. We do a lot for free, you know, ton of content and webinars and summits and those kinds of things. About 90% of what we do is free. And then And then we offer online training and online coaching, either private or group coaching. So everything is about making it as affordable as possible for people to get the help they need, but to get the help they really need. That's amazing.

So, so it's too bad that your website wasn't around 10 years ago for you, right?

Right. Well, that's exactly— it's like when people say, "God, I wish I had known about this years ago." I'm like, "Yeah, me too." Yes.

Can you tell us what your biggest challenge is right now?

What would you say it is? Wow, what a great question. I think there are two. Can I do two?

Yes, of course.

One is, and maybe it's not a challenge, maybe it's an opportunity, is that I have this amazing, I think amazing, new book. And so my challenge is to, how do I get it to the parents who really need it and the schools and the teachers and the psychologists and all the people who really need to know about it?

Yes, I need to read this book. I love the title. Grabbing me in.

It's really— I'm so proud of it because it's really— it's— I set out to write the book that I needed that wasn't there when I needed it.

That's perfect.

Right?

It's not about ADHD.

It's not about anxiety. It's about how do you as a parent get your head around handling things with your kids when they don't go as you planned. So it's really— I mean, it's a really good book for right now for parenting in complex times. Because none of us are going through what we expect.

Well, that was my next question is how— unless you said you had a second thing too. Do you want me to wait? Let me wait.

Well, the second thing, I'll just touch on it quickly, is that I am trying to figure out how do you help parents ask for the help they need when they know they need it, but they feel guilt or shame around needing it or asking for it. And so it's the hardest thing I think I face is running into all of these parents who really, really need just— they need more than just information. Right? I mean, information's great, but they need that next step. And they— there's this hesitance to step in because of all these things. I mean, we're doing research about it. We're trying to figure it out because it's that obstacle that parents face. It's like, well, I know I should need something, but I shouldn't need it because I'm a parent and I should know how to do this. Right? And you must run into this all the time.

Yes, yes. And I think that what you're doing and what I really work hard to do is to normalize for parents that what they're going through is not abnormal, that it's okay to ask for help. And I try to tell people that I always ask, I try to ask for help too, that I can't parent alone. Parenting alone is impossible.

That's right. So, yeah, it's asking for help and then it's accepting help when it's offered, right? Because we're not so good at that either. And if we teach this, if we do it, then we can teach it to our kids, and it's probably the most important skill for them to learn in life.

Well, and I'm trying to remember that because I was raised by Superwoman.

Oh yeah, we call her Supermom Sue. We have a name for her.

I love that, and she's amazing. And you know, there's just things that she did that I just can't live up to, and I don't accept the challenge.

Good for you. I love that.

I reject it.

Well, you know, it's funny. I was talking to a couple today. I'm like, you know, and I get this a lot, you know, he crosses his arms and he says, "Yeah, well, that wouldn't have flown in my house growing up." Yeah, and do you want to raise your kids in a house like you were in growing up? And usually the answer is no. Yeah. And it's just our kids are not living in the world we lived in. No, no. You just can't compare it.

No, and you know, I think about my mother putting even like a beautiful spread on the table every night, and I'm never home. I'm like the stay-at-home mother who's never home.

Right.

And I'm running them here and I'm running them there, and thankfully activities are going on right now. And I'm like, how am I going to Feed 'em dinner.

Well, you know, when my mom did it, they threw 10 kids in the back of a station wagon. There were no seat belts.

Yes.

And it was just go, right? It's just a whole different world.

No, it is a different world. So speaking of the different world, this is my question. How have you adjusted your parenting during today's pandemic?

So it's an interesting question for me because my kids are all now young adults, right? So I'm in a somewhat different environment, although I do— I've had one kid at home, one or two kids kids at home since March. So I'm still actively parenting. It's just a little different when they, they really are more in charge of their life. I've got a kid who's home who's studying for the MCATs. Wow. So, right. So it's really intense. And on the one hand, she's very independent and doing her thing. On the other hand, she doesn't have any friends here anymore. She's been gone for years. We're like, we're it. And so it's still requiring a lot of active, engaged parenting. And I think you know, for us— so for those of us who are parenting complex kids, in some ways it's not that different because we are kind of accustomed to roadblocks and, you know, things throwing you off track and having to adapt. And that's what it is to raise a complex kid, is, is to kind of navigate this rocky, you know, river you're in. And so I think a lot of parents of complex kids are kind of doing— we're kind of used to this, like Okay, so this is what I'm dealing with today. Okay, this is what I'm doing.

That is interesting. So it's just another challenge in the books.

And if you've had enough experience tackling challenges, then you kind of get— what I want from anybody who works with me, my goal for them, Rebecca, is to have what I call a bring it on attitude. Like, I want you to know that whatever happens to you in your life as a parent, because stuff is going to happen to you in your life as a parent, I want you to know that you can handle whatever's coming at you.

Oh, I love that. I'm going to keep that.

I'm going to keep that in my head. You'll find it in the book. You'll get it.

I'm going to read— I don't know if you know, but I'm a social worker. So when I read the title of your book, I was like, oh my gosh, I have to read this book. It's amazing.

Well, and it was designed not just for parents, but also for professionals. Because I think professionals don't— like, a lot of times they don't understand what the parents are experiencing. And so I want to normalize it, not just for the parents, but I want the doctors and the therapists and the OTs and the social workers to understand this is what's really happening in that home. And you tell them just do this, that's not always so easy. Mm-hmm.

Well, and everyone's children are so different, and if they don't have children with complex issues, Right. It's hard to get in your shoes, so you can help them get in your shoes. Yeah, I love that. And that was—

I think that's a lot of what the book is about, is, is getting lots of people to get into other people's shoes. It's about lenses and perspectives and seeing things from different perspectives. There's a lot in the book that's about, like, I present an issue in each chapter and then I offer a reframe, a different way to look at that issue. And then instead of talking about self-care, we talk about self-talk. Right, and how do you think about it, which is every bit as important as what you do.

Oh my goodness, my children were just told that they had to go full remote, online all day, and so, you know, so the negativity, and I'm like, how can we reframe this? Let's work on this!

Let's find that silver lining. How quick, because you're gonna have the negative, that's fine, but how quick can you notice it and shift it? That's the challenge, or the opportunity.

So I went and got them a hot lunch at one of our favorite restaurants.

Yeah.

And I said, "See, I can go buy you lunch." Right.

You know?

I'm trying.

I'm trying.

What are your best parenting coping skills? For you.

Oh, wow. Deep breaths with long exhales. That's probably my biggest. I know this is going to sound weird, but one of my best is to walk away. Like, one of the things is that sometimes to know that I can plant a seed and then walk away and leave them to think about it is, is not needing to talk about it now, but knowing that particularly as our kids start to get older, what conversation you think it should happen right now, it probably is going to take about a week to complete that conversation. So it's allowing time for them to think and process information so that they can begin to have some ownership. That's probably, yeah, that's huge.

Well, and that's really sinking in with me because my son in particular, he's 13, and I will try to talk to him and you can tell he's in no place to talk to me. So I will be like, okay, I said my sentence and now you're giving me permission right here. I walk away and I'll, you know, come back to it another time.

Yeah, leave it. Or pose, even better than a sentence, pose a question. Like, don't tell, ask. Pose a question, let them ponder it, and then check in. Or if you ask a question, they're like, "I don't know," like, "Okay, that's cool. Think about it. Let's check out— I'll check in with you later on it," right?

You are good. It's okay to call me back. I think—

and I want to add one more thing. The other thing, and my kids will tell you, my superpower is I don't take things personally. Ooh. Now, that may not always be true with certain, maybe, sisters-in-law or—

Okay, tell me more about this because this is huge.

But with my kids, is I learned, I was not, so full disclosure, when I started off, I was a very neurotic Jewish mother. So that's my, that's where I come from. Hello! So I get that. I finally realized— I'll keep it clean for your audience— but other people's stuff is their stuff.

Yeah, right.

And I spent a lot of years taking on other people's stuff and making it my stuff. And when she reacted like that, or he did that, it was all about me. And it's never about me. It's always about them, because other people's stuff is their stuff. And as I learned to not take it personally, it was unbelievable how much easier it was to be with them with their stuff and to be compassionate and caring and loving and supportive and all of those things you want to be, which you can't be if you're making it all about you.

Yes, right.

And we have this tendency to make things about us that really aren't about us.

Absolutely. And when our children— I always tell people, you know, because our children get mad at us, and I always say to them, good job, it's good parenting. That's right. That's a good mother right there. They don't have to like us.

They don't have to like— they certainly don't have to agree with you. No. Right? They don't. And you can accept that with them and honor that with them and say, "Yeah, I get that. If I were you, I wouldn't agree with me either. But that's the way it's going to be." You can be on their team without having to always be in agreement with each other.

Well, my friend's son had this huge, enormous temper tantrum and she was like, "He always gives it to me." And I said, "Yes, because you're home base, you're safety." That's right. So of course he's going to give it to you.

Yeah, that's a good sign. That means he trusts you.

Yes. Oh, I love that. Yes. I'm telling you, you're coming over. Where do you live though? Oh my goodness. Inspires you most to just get up in the morning?

So, okay, this is going to sound a little hokey, okay? But I have always known since I was 16 years old that I wanted to make the world a better place, that I just knew that I was here to change the world in some way, and I never knew how, but I always knew that that was like It was always about how can I be most effective, what am I here to do. And I love what I do so much, it's unbelievable. And it's funny because I have a regular Wednesday lunch with my mom, which has become a Zoom lunch, right? And so I was on a Zoom call with her for lunch, and I've now started, because of Zoom, I'm now like including my, you know, sister and my niece, and it's been kind of becoming a thing. It's really fun. So Wednesday lunch is, everybody's sort of around for Wednesday lunch. And I came in today and I said, you know, I love what I do. She said, you must have been working with a client, weren't you? I said, yeah, why? She said, because you always say that when you've been working with clients. You know, it's like, and it was really nice that she saw that.

Yeah.

And so we talked about it for a little bit because I love everything that I do. I love the writing, I love speaking, like I love all of it.

You're lucky. You're lucky. I am.

I am. And, and I also, I'm at choice. Like, I do what I do because I choose to do what I do every day. I choose to wake up every day and see what I can do to make, make life better for, for the parents who are struggling, or not struggling, but are, you know, navigating, managing, and ultimately for the kids who are growing up, I want these kids to grow up to see how amazing they are and how capable they are and to feel empowered. I, I was really lucky because I had an incredibly loving mom, and so even though I wasn't diagnosed as a kid, I was, I did, I was raised to believe that I was smart and capable. I never really confessed to anybody that I always thought that they were wrong and that I was really stupid. Oh, that's terrible. Well, but a lot of kids feel that way, right? A lot of kids growing up grow up feeling that way when they've got learning disabilities or attention issues or when they're constantly getting in trouble or like, unless you have somebody in your camp who's there saying, you can do this, this is what your strengths are, It's really, it's really hard to find that resilience. And I had somebody in my camp, right? So a lot of the reason I do what I do is because I don't want kids to grow up feeling the way I felt, like my brothers felt, my husband felt. I watched my kids suffer in those early years, and I don't want other kids to grow up seeing what they can't do. I want them to grow up seeing what they can do. And because what they can do, these kids are bright and capable and compassionate and they're amazing, right? I used to tell my kid all the time, you're gonna be an amazing adult, we just got to get you there.

Wow.

Right? And we did.

It just sounds like you found your purpose, and I don't think that everyone can say that, so it feels so good to hear that from you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Do you bring— do your kids ever come in to talk to— I don't want to say clients because it's probably too confidential, but do your kids ever take part in the work that you do?

Sometimes, yeah. So it's funny, I— one of my kids, the one who's studying for the MCATs, did a, um, did a video like 8 years ago, and it's so good. It's still on my website, and I just sent it to a client today. Yeah, um, about learn about learning disabilities, about overcoming learning disabilities. My kids have given me a lot of grace to tell their stories, and we've done that very consciously. I do it, and you'll see in the book there are tons and tons of stories about them. I try to protect which kid it is. You can't always, but— right, right. So there's that. And my eldest kid, you probably don't know this, but my eldest kid is also an actor and is pretty successful.

So I did not know this.

There's, so there's some sort of public space, like they've done some stuff for, you know, Attitude and Understood and some of the other things, and so that's also an interesting dynamic because they're kind of public. So occasionally I'll be talking to a client and they'll go, "Wait a minute, you're, you're, you're, you're the mom of," you know, wow, and that's kind of fun. But I'll tell you the best part was a couple of years ago, 2 summers ago, when all 3 of our kids came in. So not only did I fall for coaching, but then my husband, like, fell for coaching. And so now we're both coaches.

Oh my, I didn't know this.

So he's also had a book came out the same day I did.

Mine did. What is his book?

His is called Mindset Mondays with DTK, and it's a really cool book. It's like 52 ways to rewire your thinking and something your brain or something, but it's one chapter a week for 52 weeks of mindset, and each chapter is only a few pages. So it's really easy to use. It's amazing.

Another good book.

Really, really good book. So, so anyway, so we're both coaches, so there's a lot, you know, kids get a lot of fodder from both my parents are life coaches, and you know, but you know, we both had midlife career changes and discovered, found the purpose. And but a couple of years ago, all three of our kids came to us one summer, and at different times, at different ages, and said, "Thank you. Thank you for being coaches." And it was It was amazing because they were able to see what the gift was for them in their life because we had gotten into coaching. And all of that I teach, all the work I do is teaching parents how to take a coach approach because this stuff is not rocket science, I promise you, right?

Yes.

It's not that hard. It's just we've figured out how to organize it really well and teach it really well. But it's not that complicated. But it's made a huge difference in our kids' lives and how they communicate with their peers and how they see dynamics with their peers' families. It's really quite interesting.

Well, I hope that my children tell me something like that one day.

Confidence is high. You're doing great stuff in the world. Confidence is high. They'll come to you one day and they'll say, "Thanks, Mom." It'll be a while.

And it won't be an eye roll. It will be a thank you. It'll be a real thank you.

What happens is they get to a point in high school where they start seeing other kids and they see that their friends don't want to be with their parents or their friends don't want to be with their siblings and they're like, wait, what's that about? Because we have fun in our house.

Yes, right?

And that's where the shift will happen.

And you probably— were you the house? Like, I want to be the house. I want the kids to want to bring their friends to my house.

Yeah, by my— with my youngest, we were the house, but in the first two, we lived too far away, and so we actually moved closer to school. And yeah, by the end, we were, and it was amazing because the kids wanted to be here too because we treated them like people, right? We don't— you don't talk down to teenagers. They're young adults. They— yes, you know, they're people.

Yes. Can you tell us the best advice you've ever gotten, if you can think of something?

Best advice. You know, one of the best bits of advice I ever got was don't make any compromises in the short term that you're not willing to live with in the long term, which was advice I got when I got married. And I think it's really good advice because we tend to give ourselves away in the short term and think, I'll change it sometime. And so it's kind of like, don't— if something's really not right, don't let it just keep going and going and going. Change it now. Don't wait.

That is good advice.

It is. It's really good advice. You are good. But what I usually offer advice, my favorite, is expect the unexpected and be prepared for anything.

Yes, that's great. I'm trying to get rid of expectations. Is that possible? I'm trying to have no expectations.

It's not about no expectations. We talk about in terms of shifting expectations.

Okay.

Right? Because you got— you're gonna have some expectations. It's hard to function in life without them. But I often will ask, like when I'm talking to clients or something, I was talking to a couple today, I was like, He was saying he wanted his kids to do, you know, it was a 9-year-old boy with ADHD who wanted to do exactly what he said when he said it first time every time. And I looked at him, I said, do you think that's a realistic expectation? No. And he said, it's not? No, no, I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm not sure. So I don't think that it's no expectations. I see it as shifting them to, to be real, to meet people where they are and, and help them grow from there. Because just because he's 9 doesn't mean he's ready to do this, or just because they're 12 doesn't mean they're ready for that.

Well, and I even see with my 7-year-old that her strengths are so different from her friend's strengths. Like, they're all so different, so we can't have the same expectations or Yes, we have to shift. I'm going to change it from no to shifting. Just play with it. See, you shifted me.

Didn't you see what that does for you? You want another little coaching trick?

Yes.

Here's one that'll really help you shift your expectations. You ready?

Yes.

For 2 weeks, here's your homework assignment. Every time you hear yourself say have to, got to, ought to, should, need to, must, any of those obligatory terms, right? Every should you've got, just replace it in your brain with the word want. Okay, just notice what happens when you want to do the dishes, when you want to do the laundry, when you want to drive the carpool. Don't have to, should. It is unbelievable how great advice it is.

Well, as far as Food, so eating. I had someone in a book say shift it to, "I choose not to eat after dinner." I'm choosing.

Yes, right. Want or choose. Choose is another word you can use there too. But when you're making a choice.

You're making it positive. Yes.

Yeah. Well, the thing is, Rebecca, we have choice. We just give our power away when we think we don't. But really, everything we do is a choice, even when we don't think we have a choice, right? So a lot of times I'll hear parents say something like, well, they can't do da-da-da-da. Like, well, they can. They just did, right? You just don't want them to, which is a whole different discussion. So let's talk about that. But this notion that I can't, that's usually not true. Completely.

Very, very good advice. I didn't, I didn't know that I was going to have this like amazing counseling session with you. You know that this is benefiting me, right?

I'm having a great time, so I hope it's good for you too. That's perfect.

I'm loving this. I'm loving this. Okay, what else do you want to share that I didn't think to ask you?

So, okay, two things, okay? One is pandemic-related, okay? Because this is where we are, y'all, and this is not what any of us expected, and that's okay. But what I want people to know is don't let school get in the way of your kids' education, okay? Wow. There is a lot of ways that kids are educated. They are educated when they're in a conversation-rich environment. They're educated when people are talking about what's going on in the world and debating it and discussing it and listening to all sides, not just one side or another side. Like, if you can use what's going on in the world, because it's crazy, to have really thoughtful conversations with your kids at any age. And if they're younger and there's fear, then to deal with that and to, to create expectations where they believe that they have some capacity to handle things. Whatever it is that they're dealing with, if you can be present to them in this time and all of you stay curious about what's going on, it is way more important than doing another worksheet or taking another minute math or whatever it is you're doing.

Yes.

Everybody, I promise you, everybody's going to be behind a year from now. Right? So don't get so caught up in those expectations, right?

Yes, yes, we're shifting.

That you're not present to where you are. We have to be present to where we are right now, and this is weird and wild and, and will never be forgotten. So use it.

Such good advice. That's wonderful.

That's the pandemic thing, I would say. And then the other thing I would say is just remember you've got this. Yes, like you make a difference in your kid's life. Nothing is more— nothing sets the tone of the home more than how you choose to be in relationship with your kids and with your partner and with yourself. And yourself is part of it, right? So you got to put yourself back on that list and raise it up a little bit on the list.

And remember that, yes, yes.

It's really important because you're modeling that and teaching it and all of that, but at the end of the day We always say, if you don't know where to focus, focus on self-care or relationships. That's it. So you can do this. Lean into your relationships with your kids right now and take care of yourself in the process and show them that that's part of what it means to be an adult, is to learn how to take care of yourself.

Yes.

Yes. And so that's it. That's what I got for you is you've got this. I love it. And it's not as hard. Keep it— sometimes it's simple on the other side of complexity, right? And I think we're learning that this year. The simpleness of it is it's all about connection. It's about relationship. It's about taking care of ourselves.

Yes, and all are so important.

Yeah.

Excellent points. So where can our audience go to learn more about you?

So they can go to impactparents.com is the website, and there's tons of stuff there. And there are 3 blogs there. There's the Impact ADHD blog, Impact Anxiety blog, and Impact Complex Kids blogs. And then your guests, we've got a special gift. I don't know if you're going to put this in the notes or whatever, but if they go to impactparents.com/guide, okay, they can— I mean, there's lots of freebies on the, on the site. You can download and get any free gift there's tons of them, but there's, the guide will give you some free content. There's an article called Parenting in a Pandemic. It's kind of the quarantine supplement to the new book, to the essential guide. And then there's a really fun piece on 3 things not to say to parents of kids with complex issues. It's kind of playful. And so go download some articles and have fun with those.

[Speaker] Thank you so much. Thank you for spending time with me. I loved learning about you.

Didn't know this was going to be an amazing counseling session.

You're hired.

Not counseling, coaching. Very different.

Coaching.

Coaching. But thank you for that. I really, I really honor that and I appreciate it.

I really enjoyed talking to you. This is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast, reminding you all to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

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