The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 080 Strength Based Parenting

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

This is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast, and I am so excited to have Brandon Miller with me here with me today. Hi, Brandon.

Hi, nice to see you.

Thank you for being here and to hear me. Well, I want to tell everyone about you because you're pretty fantastic. He is a world-leading expert in strengths-based organizational development. That was a tongue twister. As CEO of 34 Strong Inc., he has successfully leveraged strengths-based workshops and coaching to impact engagement and key business metrics for major organizations such as Telsa, the US Food and Drug Administration, and Bank of America, among many others. His work with businesses is inspired and complemented by his passion for family and parenting, having co-authored two books with his wife on the values of strengths-based parenting. That is pretty amazing.

Thank you. And I'll tell you, it is a mouthful: strengths-based organizational development. Every time we say it, it's really, we teach people how to think more about what's right with people than what's wrong with them. Like that, at the end of the day, we do a lot of that.

So start with that. How did you get into a strengths-based approach?

I'll tell you, I was, I was in a, in a, in a job And one day, one of the executives in the organization I was a part of found this book in the airport, and the book was titled Now Discover Your Strengths. And they brought it in, and I was a direct report to this leader, set it on my desk, and he said, "Hey, we should do this," which was always code for, "You should do this." Given the assignment, I dove into the book, good worker, so sure, it sounded interesting. And it captured me. And this idea that you could help workers be more successful in their jobs and stay in their job longer and have a better attitude while they did it by shifting the developmental philosophy. And the book did a good job of painting two pictures. So picture number one is what most of us as parents— I call it the report card conversation. Child hands us a report card, A, A, A, C, A, A. 80% of us are going to spend 80% of our time talking about the C. Oh boy. Even though the kid is brilliant in all these other areas, that's where we're going to focus because that philosophy, which is the conventional approach or now what is called the weakness assumption, assumes if I can just fix the C, I can turn you into a better kid. You'll have a better chance in life. You'll be well-rounded. And so this book just said, look, that path is well worn. It is, it is what's primarily used in parenting, education, and in management. We introduce another option, one that you already know. It's an option that is used in athletics and performing arts where the player, the person comes onto the space evaluated for what do you do best. And guess what we're going to do? We're going to position you to do that as many times as we possibly can. To be your very, very best. And, and all that the book offered was, hey, what do you have to lose? What if you just tried doing this in your parenting, your education, and your management? So at the time, I applied it to management, and I, I just literally followed the book. I just literally— what it said to do, I did it. It came with a really cool online assessment to give you some clues where to look and how to understand strengths. And off we went. I had 28 team members, and it transformed our organization. I mean, just transformed, not just in productivity terms and success, because it did do that. It really helped us to be successful, but it changed the mood, changed the vibe, changed communication and interactions. And from there on, I said, this is what I want to be when I grow up, this is what I want to do. And off I went.

I mean, that's a great story. And you then shifted it to your house.

Yeah, I felt hypocritical. You know, so here I am, you know, spending all this time thinking about what's right with my team members at work, and at home I was still that dad that would read that report card and pick on the C's. 100%. And if I was being very honest with myself, which came some years later, I was very much parenting for my children to make me look good. That's what I was. I didn't want them to embarrass me in the restaurant. I didn't want them to be that kid that I got called into the school because they were misbehaving or not performing.

I—

and, and though no one wants to admit that, no one wants to say, yeah, you know, I was that person. I was. And part of that is just performance-driven culture. And, uh, when you layer social media on that, it only intensifies because now, oh my gosh, I gotta look like I have it all together like these other parents on— pick your, you know, pick your social media outlet— I gotta look like them. And so in coming to terms with, okay, I can't do this professionally and not apply it, and, you know, thankfully kids are resilient and they're forgiving because my oldest 3 who are now 27, 26, and, and 24 They were just coming into high school and middle school. And when we made the switch, they almost didn't believe us at first. You know, my wife and I were attempting and they were like, really? Like, you are really going to not be hard on me about these things? You are really not going to pick at that? So, it took a couple of years, but as it rooted, it changed everything about our home, everything about the relationship with our kids. And I am here today to tell you, this many years later, and those kids are adults now raising their own kids, it is amazing to see the legacy that it can bring in a family.

Do you see your children doing that with their own children now?

Absolutely. Because what I, I think I enjoy very much about watching my kids as parents is they don't parent with pressure. They parent authentically. They're comfortable with who they are. They're comfortable with who their spouse is. And, and of course, you know, kids misbehave, toddlers tantrum. They whine, Rebecca. They whine.

They're going—

they're going to do the things that kids are supposed to do because kids have different brain stages, different development, right? All the things that go along with being a kid. And yet we're so pleased to just watch how they handle it with ease and grace, how they look for signs of— but did you see that thing they did? Did you notice this? And they, they really practice something we talk about in our first book Moving from frustration to fascination, meaning something my child is doing, saying, or being is now, oh, it's vexing me. I can stay in frustration, which almost never has a good result, almost never. Or I can go, okay, let me move over to fascination and get curious and ask questions. And I love, love, love to watch them do that with, with their littles.

That's amazing. Tell everyone how many kids you have.

So we have 7, and we have 2 sets. So before you wonder if it's hers, mine, ours, it's, it's, they're all ours. Uh, we have the 3 adults that I mentioned who are all moved out doing their own families, and then we have 4 at home. Um, I like to say only 4 at home because that's what it feels like.

Only, only.

Oh my God, when you had 7, 4 feels like a picnic. So, uh, an 18-year-old just started college, 17-year-old senior in high school, a 13-year-old or just turned 14-year-old 8th grader, and an 11-year-old 6th grader. So those are the— that's the remnant crew that we have at home. And then the 3 adults are all married, and, uh, each with 4 grandchildren and 2 on the way. So we'll have 6 grandchildren by the end of the year. And in case you're keeping score at home, We are not Catholic. We are not Mormon. Those are the questions we get every time. We like to tell people we played to our strengths and that's what happened. We have all these amazing children to show for it.

Well, I am super impressed because my 3 keep me so busy. So I just say wow to that.

OK, well, I'll tell you, you know, we didn't, we didn't plan it. We actually had our first 3 children very, very young. And, uh, we thought we would have one more and we were good, and we couldn't. It just stopped for almost 8 years. Wow. When it started back up, it was okay, well, you know, this is cool. We had 4 and then 5. We thought, oh, it's nice, 2 on the end, you know. And then when 6 came, it was whoa, we weren't, we weren't ready for this. By the time 7 came, someone was having surgery. It was like, that's it, we're throwing the towel in. This is, uh We're all good, all good at 7. And, and, but I'll, I'll say this, that, uh, not only does it make for a great book, but it, it makes for a great life because our, our youngest two are little boys and these guys just keep their daddy young. They keep me hopping and moving and grooving.

Yeah, that's a great way to look at it. It's so true. You said something hysterical, um, I was laughing when you said everyone in your house loses their mind at age 15. Yeah, I, I think that everyone can relate to that. Can you tell us what that means and how you handled that?

So I'm 5 for 5, um, of my kids at 15 years old will just say it kindly, asserting their independence in ways as a parent you'd prefer them not to. So that has involved sneaking out and doing things you don't want them to do, to being defiant, to finding them behaving in school in ways we would prefer them not to, dating people we'd prefer them not to. Oh gosh. Just, just if you just go down the list. And I think, I think what we've arrived at as parents is one, they're not doing anything abnormal. This is just their statement of independence, their time to begin to assert their personality, their opinions. And so by the time we got to the fifth one, Madeline, we were so much more prepared for Maddie to behave this way. And, and by the way, you get really good at telling when kids lie the more you have. So we just tell our young ones, you have no chance, you just have no chance. We've, you know, we dare you, try. Uh, because it's just, it's just funny how you read into like, yeah, but this one did that and that one— no, this is what you're doing, you're really saying this. So we've, we've, uh, and that we're not daring them by any means in case they're listening, uh, but we are, we are just finding that they're acting the way they're supposed to. And a little bit of that as parents is you got to hang on for that ride. You got to hang on and trust that if you, you've instilled good values, you've instilled, um, a, a good relationship, open lines of communication, they're still willing to come to you You know that poor decisions will lead to poor outcomes. That cannot not happen. And so, because the 15-year-old brain is not fully capable of thinking through their decisions all the way, they're going to hit a wall in some, you know, metaphoric or real way. And so, it's been a really, you know, one story when my son, he's still in the realm of, you know, the loses his mind. He was 16 and he had a car. He had a truck that we had bought with him. We agreed if you pay half, we'll pay the other half, you get to own the vehicle. But because you're not 18, it's in our name. Well, he was approached by someone somewhere who said, I got this great vehicle for you. I'll trade you for your truck for this vehicle. So instead of coming to us and saying, hey, I have this deal, I want to do it, he found the pink slip in our house. He forged my name on the pink slip. And he traded his truck for what would become a non-operable VW Bug. Like, he got it home and I'm not kidding you, it literally fell apart in our garage. Like, it literally fell apart. And it was one of those occasions where it was, well, uh, guess what you get to figure out now? How are you going to get to where you have to get to? What are you going to— you get to live with some consequences now. And here we go. And so So, you know, sometimes life has to be the best teacher. Sometimes, you know, making the mistakes has to be the learning. And that's some of our takeaways from those seasons.

And you handled it so well. You know that I would want to swoop in and save him.

I can't say that I didn't have words with him around. Could you find out? I did want to talk to the person who swindled my 5th, you know, 16th.

Right.

I didn't want to, but, but he was, I can't get ahold of him. I, And it was, of course you can't. Yeah. You know, we're going to now have to move on and it is what it is. You know, it's, it's an illegal sale, but you signed my name. So, and I did look into it and basically what the, uh, but the authorities quote unquote said were, well, you can press charges. He technically stole your truck. Okay. I'm not going to do that. We're going to have to live with this.

Well, my oldest is 14, so I'm holding on. Hold it out of the table.

I, I like to say that the, the Miller's reality doesn't have to be everyone else's. I wish them not, but when I track who my wife and I are, it pretty much falls in line with how we were as teens, you know. And when we remember back, we go, yeah, we went through our phase. And I think it's fair to say— and, and I have an author friend who wrote a book on brain stages Uh, it's pretty much in line with what the brain is going to go through around that time period. And, you know, as long as parents don't feel like it's— it may not be necessarily personal, maybe more them personal. Their, their world revolves 6 inches around themselves, and it's okay to give them that space and be there to protect them, you know, from anything major.

Thank you for the warning.

You're welcome.

I appreciate it. So you handled that like an authoritative parent. You handled that in the perfect way. Can you tell everyone about the different parenting styles?

I can, because I'll tell you, these 4 styles, uh, they just, they play out, and every one of us has a default style. So authoritative is actually the, the wild card. Very few of us start in a place where we are both good at the discipline, the structure, um, the difficult conversations, and the compassion, the kindness, the empathy. Very few of us do both of those well at the same time. Very true. Those of you who do, you won the genetic lottery. Have lots of kids, you're going to be an amazing parent. Like, you're going to be incredible because that's— it's a really amazing leadership style. Now, most of us, like the other 90%, we are somewhere in authoritarian. So this is the typical command and control. And if you had, if you had a parenting experience where your caregiver or parent said, when I say jump, you say, and most of us go, how high? You know, why can't I? Why, why can't I do it? Because I said so. Like, that's authoritarian, my way. And so they're good at structure strong on discipline, good at difficult conversations. Oh, they need work on compassion, need work on empathy, need work on kindness, because that authoritarian comes off cold. Problem with cold is kids want to toe the line, but they don't like cold. Cold, cold starts to feel like rejection, and rejection starts to create resentment, and those two lead to some, some unhealthy outcomes. The opposite though is just as challenging. It's permissive parenting, right? So this is where you may have the people part. You're kind, you're, you're gracious, you're sensitive, you're fun, you're playful. You don't hold the line, you don't keep your rules. And when you set, set in place, this is how this is, 1, 2, don't make me get that, don't make me get that, 3, don't make me get to 5, right? It's, it's the, the line keeps moving. And so kids do not do well without structure, right? Because structure is safety. And so without structure, it's, well, I can just railroad this parent, you know, and I'll beguile that one. And this becomes a, you know, an unhealthy parenting experience for both parent and child. So permissives and authoritarians, the great news is that this style we talked about, a strengths-based approach, it mirrors authoritative. That's what it is, because it says, I, I want to know your strengths so I know how to position myself to parent you well. Yeah, we call this individualizing the approach to the child. And because I know your strengths and I've built a structure to help you succeed and be your very best, I want to celebrate it with you. I want to enjoy you. I want to I want to, you know, be fascinated and, and just have laughter and mirth in our home and let this be a positive uplifting. Because when, when the, when the two outers, permissive and authoritarian, go wrong, they end up in the worst of the worst. And that's really ignoring or neglecting. It's, it's parenting that throws in the towel. And that could be, that could be for an hour, a day, or a season. But once you move over here to neglectful parenting, it's unstable. It feels cold. It's not secure. And this is where children will for sure disengage. They will for sure pull back, pull in. And you know, these days when we're handing them access to the world via their cell phone, this is where they can really find trouble. In a way we don't want them to. And so, uh, you know, for those of you who might be listening and you're feeling that frustration and that, ah, there, there is a path. And, and what's cool about it is the path is already in us. We already have ways to be a great authoritative parent. The, the secret is you can't do it being someone else. I can't be Rebecca, she can't be me. We have to figure out who our, you know, what our styles are And then we can start to point them at that place knowing, you know, I'm a natural authoritarian, very natural. I'm a football coach and I live up to every bit of those stereotypes of what a football coach could be like. And as such, you know, a football coach, a CEO, I'm a Type A leader. I had to learn through strengths-based parenting, authoritative parenting, how to bring in the people. How to bring it. And now I would say today I love it. It's my favorite part. It's the part I enjoy the most about my kids.

So when you find yourself slipping to authoritarian— so like me, I'll slip towards maybe too permissive. So when you're slipping towards authoritarian, how do you bring yourself back to authoritative?

It helps to know the clues. Helps to know when you're going there. So for me, uh, just True story, candid conversation. When I start cussing at my kids, it's a bad time. Like, if I drop some words and I'm going, ooh, ooh, you're, you're over the line, you're, you're, you have, uh, danger, danger, you're out of, you're out of warmth, you're out of the, the personal. They're not hearing you now. All they're hearing is your temper. They're hearing your frustration or anger.

Yeah.

So it helps to know what your triggers are, and it helps to know what your clues are. And I will say this: strengths grow best in the context of community. Hmm. So one of the ways that we enlist support, especially as our kids moved into their teen years, was I wanted them to be a part of the process. I wanted them to have permission to remind me of my commitment to to be a great dad, an authoritative strengths-based dad. And so a story about my 18-year-old Kayla. When Kayla was 17, I made a deal with her that through 15 to 17, she was very strong. Of the strongest-willed kids in my home, Kayla wins the prize. Very strong. And being as strong as she is, we had epic clashes. And I absolutely went too far, absolutely went to places in tone, posture, consequence too much. And so I made her a promise. I said, Kayla, I am not going to raise my voice at you again. We're not going to have that level of confrontation. We will have conversations. We will maintain being reasonable with each other. And that's what this is going to be. And one year later, when we celebrated her 18th birthday and we got to sit down and say, we did it.

Wow.

Did it. Not one confrontation with an escalated voice or parent. And I was able to tell her, I could do that because of you, because you were, you were the one that was essentially my accountability. You were the one that was giving me those subtle reminders of what I had committed to. And, and of course, my wife was the other source of accountability of, hey, you, you've made this correction. And I'll— if there was a way to salvage a relationship with a teen or a young adult, start by, by taking a look at what creates the greatest space between you and do the work to get— because it's probably going to involve one side or the other, permissive or authoritarian. It's probably going to move to that space, figure out, you know, some accountability, some, some, some tools which which we did, and it is pretty powerful what can occur.

That is a very inspiring story. I am so impressed with you. I don't know, my 8-year-old would love for me to commit to that, let me tell you.

I think for each of us, we said it the other day, we put a post out and it said something like, hey parents, we are all about to exercise muscles we haven't you know, done in a while. Our kids are in school now and activities, and, you know, just give yourselves a break. Like, you know, this is hard. None of us is— none of us is getting through easy street of parenting right now. This is, you know, the word unprecedented I think is overused, but it's applicable. Who could have foretold, you know, this kind of intensity and this sort of loss and this sort of— yeah. And so parents, give yourselves a break, you know. I know it's progress over perfection. Big progress. Just take steps, because when you do, you allow yourself some room to work. And, you know, working under pressure and stress doesn't lead to the best outcome. Working, working where I can breathe and I can, you know, measured heart rate and I can think and like, okay, I'm the big person. I'm in control. I have more brain faculty than the little one. I'm going to choose to operate that way.

Such good advice. You have so many good things to say, and, and while I'm talking to you, we have to talk about the 5 E's because it is such a great way to find your children's strengths. Can you tell everyone about those?

Yes. So we, we, we, uh, really we're trying to come up with a way to help someone see the strengths in their kids without feeling like they had to generate results through an assessment. Assessments are great. We have some, they're wonderful, but synthetic, or excuse me, assessments are about 80% actual, 20% aspirational. They can't tell the whole story. They're great. They're fabulous tools, but authentic parenting comes down to getting to know our kids. And being observant, paying attention. And so we— I would tell you, write down what you see. So here are the 5 E's. A great way to spot a strength is one, find out what causes your kids' eyes to shine. What is it that makes them light up? We call that search for enthusiasm. If you see enthusiasm, you can't miss it because they won't stop talking about it. They can't stop looking for it. They just, ooh, Mom, Mom, Mom, I want it. Dad, Dad, Dad. Like, it's clear. Where they have that, that, uh, space and, and those feelings, and it's palpable. You know it's there. Okay, so watch. Number one sign of strength is look for where their enthusiasm— number two, when they head down the path, what do they seem to just pick up quick? What comes to them? We call this ease, or just what comes. All right, so our youngest, Daniel, when he was 5, signed up to be on the swim team. And at 5 years old, Daniel's first time in the pool, the coaches came and said, wow, that little guy can swim. And he went on to be a really good recreation swimmer, had a great time in that, and it just came easy. The kid just knew how to swim, you know, and it just seemed like, oh wow, look at that, he's, he's very talented, very natural. So it'll, it'll look to you like they're just, just kind of going through smooth. Yeah. Third, and this is important, excellence. Because excellence means that not only did they look forward to it, it came easy, but they're doing it with standout ability. And, and I'm going to tell you, as a parent, you're not allowed to be the judge of that. Because some of us have really generous eyes, too generous, we give too much room. And some of us have really stingy eyes, we're too critical. Yeah, third-party validation. Somebody saying, whoa, look at that standout ability in your child. And hopefully you're going to agree, especially if they're a coach, an expert, somebody, you know, a teacher, somebody who knows what they're talking about. Believe that. Let them, let them speak that, because that, that tells you that third clue. It's actually the one of the greatest quantifiers of a strength is the ability to attain and sustain excellence. So for any of us who are sports fans, why we enjoy watching professional athletes is that they sustain such a high level of excellence. So you expect it, you expect them to perform at that level. That's one of the signs we look for. Now, number 4, I will tell you that this is, this is where the rubber hits the road. This is the difference maker, and it's energy. So a question we like to ask our kids when they're young is, what did you do today that made you feel strong? What do you feel strong? And the answer you're going to get is where did they receive energy from an activity.

Oh, I love this.

Yeah, so even though they might have been spending energy, such as taking a test or, or working on a project or playing out at recess, or spending it actually gave them energy back. So a strength very simply makes you feel stronger. Yeah. A weakness makes you feel weaker. It takes energy. So a child can actually be really good at something. It can come easy to them, but when they're done, they're like, meh, yeah, I could play the piano good. And I, you know, you might like it, but meh, you know, I'm not really into this. And that means it's probably not going to stick. It's not giving that, that life, uh, energy. And this is where parents have to be careful because the first 3 get us excited. We expect, oh, my kid's the next, you know, this, or I should, you know, now I'm going to put them in these classes or these things. Yeah, you know, I have arrived with this child who's, you know, the prodigy of whatever. Gotta look for energy because Daniel was a great swimmer until about 10, 11, and around 11, all that interest went to basketball. Hey, we were playing basketball all the time. And though he'll be a great swimmer as far as, you know, being able to go out and swim somewhere, he'd do that his whole life, it's fantastic. He wasn't interested in year-round. He wasn't interested in pursuing something, you know, beyond. That was, that was a nice thought as a kid. So you look for energy. That's an important sign because it's the difference A core strength is one that's genetic. It will always surface. A growth strength is something that they choose. So think of it as nurture/nature. So nature is you come with these, you're probably going to have these throughout life. Growth is, I got a choice here. I can, I can embrace this. My parents can influence me, my environment can influence me. I'm going to take it on or not. Both are very powerful in the adult realm when you get there, but as kids, they do have a say. So fifth, this is enjoyment. And enjoyment is where a child has the endurance to keep going even when it's hard. And that tells you that, ah, you now are entering into the realm where this is, this is building all sorts of facets to lots of strengths in your life, internal and external. And let's start to say, let's, let's use the test of time, the enjoyment over a long season, to keep that endurance moving. So that's the fifth E, is enjoyment.

I mean, this is so fascinating. You're making me think of the saxophone because Max was so good at the saxophone, and I was like, come on, you're not gonna quit this. And he's like, Mom, I'm quitting this.

And I'm like, oh. Yeah, and I think for us who have, you know, for parents who have the ability and the means to, to, to provide extracurricular activities, and many, many of us are looking for those outlets, supplement school, give up, you know, it's— there are, there are little traps in there because not only do you want your child to succeed, the organization wants you to keep paying for them to succeed.

Oh, 100%.

Parent, you have to be careful who you listen to and why. Because it is true your child may be a standout performer, may not be true that they're willing to keep going when it's hard. And that's— so if it, if it doesn't give them energy, it doesn't feed them, they will not keep going when it's hard. I mentioned I'm coaching football, so I'm coaching 14-year-old son David's team. And David has now faced what it's like to run into people with his body at full speed. He has, he has now come to terms with, whoa, this is, this isn't, this is something, you know, how do you prepare your mind for a collision like that, right? And, and as his dad who played the sport, coached the sport, loved the sport, I didn't know, uh, because his older brother who is now 27 played one year and was, I'm over this, this is not for me, I do not like this. So I went into it thinking, hey, it's on you. And, and, you know, halfway through his— or just beginning into his season, he's telling me, I love it, I love this, this is so fun. And I'm going, okay, cool, let's see how it goes when you have an injury. Let's see how it goes, you know, when it gets tougher and you gotta, you know, keep pressing when it's hard. That perseverance lesson that you get with it. And that's, I think, as parents, you want to, you want to watch for that. Very important.

So, so as we talk about mistakes, we don't want to push our kids with something that's not giving them that energy and enthusiasm.

It's a fine line because there are times where, you know, grit— we like to say that grit is the gift that keeps giving in a child's life.

Yes.

So if a child starts something for a season, for a term, we do recommend finish. Finish what you started. However, at the natural turn, at the natural conclusion where you can evaluate Give space. Make it okay if they're ready to move on to robotics, you know, they're ready to move on to, you know, they really love English composition. Okay, let's explore that. You know, you can do a lot of great things with this. It's okay to allow changing interests as their brains grow.

Such good advice. Can you tell everyone about your fantastic book?

So we wrote two of them. Yes, you can find them at our website annalynbranden.com, and that's A-N-A-L-Y-N It's my wife's name, annalynnebranden.com. She's the lead on purpose because I think she's the better looking of the two of us. No, I'm kidding. No, I'm not kidding about that.

So sweet.

Yes, she, she's— gosh, we had so much fun writing. And so our first book is titled Play to Their Strengths. And it captures the Miller story. That's our story of our family and our journey and all that we went through. And we love the book because it has a playbook at the end with, with a play-by-play through each chapter of, alright, here's what you do with what we did. And then the second book, now this is much more of the, here's where we wanted to come home. It's called Incredible Parent. And in this, we spend a lot of time just talking to you parents now. So take the kids out of the equation, just how do you become the best version of you as a parent? And we talked through, you you know, how to move away from comparison, how to get to the place where you see your own 5 E's, your own strengths. And we provide you an assessment to learn how you might show up as your best self in your parenting role.

Well, they both sound fantastic. It looks like I have 2 new books to read.

Very good. So they— and for those of you that prefer Audible, the first one is, you can listen to it. The second one isn't because it comes with an assessment code. So it's an e-version. And then of course, they're any retailer, they're going to be out there. Our website has a back-to-school special, uh, so for the next 3 months you can get them at a great rate. And so if that's appealing, go to our website and grab them there.

Awesome. So tell me, is there anything else that you want to share that I didn't think to ask you?

You know, I think for parents, I just want to come back to that point of give yourself a break. Be gentle, you know, not, not to encourage us to, you know, stay out of the game, right? Stay in the game, stay, stay engaged, but be gentle because none of us have been here before. And there is no preceding generation that can give you a roadmap. This is a, it's beyond, you know, when we think of world events, there's no one, you know, I have a 94-year-old grandfather still with me who has sage advice on all kinds of levels. This is out of his purview. So this is something we're all getting— going through together. We're writing a new chapter of human history. Be gentle with yourself as you go through it, uh, and, and remember that we believe you do have the strengths to see your way through with your children.

Well, thank you for reminding us of that, because I don't want to speak for everyone, but I forget that all the time and I'm way too hard on myself. So thank you for saying that.

You know, it's something else I— you just reminded me, um, I like to say this on any podcast interview, is it is never too late for a do-over. So if you are a parent, especially with an older teen or young adult, and you feel like, I don't know what to do, I— it's so far gone, it's never too late. Kids are pre-wired to forgive their parents. They're hardwired to do it. They want to do it. They just want to see you prove it over time. Mikayla needed to see me prove something over time that I said. And, and if you're willing to embrace that idea of authoritative, look at their strengths, be more positive than negative with them, it's pretty amazing the, the stories that come back around reconciled relationships with parents and kids.

Such great advice. You have so much great parenting advice, and I really appreciate you taking time out of your very busy schedule to meet with me today.

My pleasure. It was so fun. Thank you so much for having me.

So much fun. This is Rebecca Green reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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