The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 021 Emotional Eating

No need to whine, it's whiny palooza. Have some wine and join us on the whiny palooza podcast with Rebecca Green. Welcome to the whiny palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family. This is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast, and I'm super excited. I brought back Kelly Hutchison for us. Kelly is a child counselor with a master's in child counseling, a certified life coach, a behavior specialist, a teacher, and a parent of 2, is addicted to positivity and living her best life each and every day without coasting. She has overcome people pleasing, perfectionism, and caring what others think to live her most authentic life, and she loves teaching others how to do the same. Her passion has always been for kids. Her emphasis in life is in helping parents connect more with their children, getting them to listen without yelling, and restoring the harmony in your home forever. Kelly, thank you so much for coming back.

Oh wow, thanks for that intro. I'm like over here blushing.

I loved reading that the first time. This is my second time getting the pleasure to introduce Kelly, and it's such a moving bio. I love it.

Well, thank you. I just— I— and again, I— the people pleasing and perfectionism are always in rehab, so it's not like I've reached that point. I'm always working on it, so I can't say I've conquered it. I'm just always in the, in the process of it.

Well, and that's funny because, you know, we can say that we're not people pleasers, but I think that it creeps up, and like you said, we just continue to work on it, right?

And I kind of like when it comes up, I'm like, oh, I didn't know that was still laying dormant there. I don't I used to get so mad at myself that I was like that. And now I'm just like, oh, I see that coming up in me. And so I kind of let them both exist at the same time versus like blaming and shaming myself. Like, I shouldn't be thinking those thoughts. I'm like, oh, that's interesting. Because the more that I feel it and the more that I can experience it, the more I can help my kids, my clients, you know, when I'm working on my podcast, whatever, the more I can feel it, the more I can relate to it.

So smart. So smart. Well, I brought you back because I loved talking to you. That's number one. Number two, You know, we all, I don't want to say we all struggle. A lot of women that I talk to, including myself, struggle with emotional eating. And you are so good with this topic. So I wanted us, there's so many topics you and I could talk about, but I wanted today to just talk about emotional eating. And I know that this is a topic that you're really passionate about. And I want to start with asking you, how did you start helping people with their emotional eating?

That is such a great question because I was helping moms and dads and just families in general get healthy. So, I was literally giving them the exact roadmap. I am like, OK, you are going to eat these things. I am not telling them what to eat, but I was giving them a list. I am like, you are going to eat from this list, this list, this list. You get to choose. You get to customize it and then you are going to move your body for this many minutes. You are going to do this workout and you are going to press play every single day and you are just, I said, you are going to drink more water and I am going to keep you accountable. I was so focused on what they were doing. And then they would meet with me and they would be like, "I can't stop eating Twinkies." And I am like, "Why are you eating the Twinkies? The Twinkies wasn't on any of the lists. What is going on?" "I just had a really tough day and I just wanted to numb out, so I ate the Twinkies." And I am like, "But the Twinkies aren't going to make your day better. They are actually going to make it—" I couldn't understand that Twinkies were the solution. So, I started to dive super deep into emotional eating because when I am going through something, I am really stressed out, I actually do the opposite. I forget to eat. So, it messes with my metabolism another way, but a lot of times When we're younger, we are taught that when we're having a human emotion that's tricky— I don't even like to call them negative, but let's just say negative for conversation's sake— when we have a tricky emotion, which is negative, which are the sad, stressed, mad, angry, disappointed, frustrated, overwhelmed, all those things, when you're having that emotion as a child, we are taught that something has gone completely wrong. We have to go to timeout. We go to our room. We are given a snack. Let's go get some dessert to make you feel better. So, it is trained in our brain very young that when we have a tricky emotion, something has gone wrong. So, what I try to help parents see with their kids and also with their own life is that 50% of your life is going to be filled with the joyous, happy-go-lucky emotions and then the other 50% is going to be filled with the trickier emotions that are harder to feel. So, the more that we can like know that that is part of the human experience, the less we are going to resist against it and push against it. Because like Brooke Castillo talks about, she trained me as a Life Coach. It is like holding the beach ball underneath water that we feel like something has gone wrong, that we shouldn't feel stressed, that we shouldn't feel overwhelmed, that we shouldn't feel disappointed. When I am 46, I have almost all of those emotions at some level every day or a combination of them. So, instead of pushing it away, which is I was trying to do before, some people push it away by They might Facebook their feelings away. They might numb out on Netflix. They might eat their feelings. They might drink their feelings. Some people vape. Some people smoke. Some people shop online. There are different ways to buffer or get away from that emotion. So, when I try to help parents and I try to help moms is lean into that emotion. When you can help your child, you can see they are really struggling. Also, when we can normalize that for ourselves and know that it is a 50/50 experience, that eating your feelings doesn't make the feeling go away. If it did, I would be all in for the Twinkies. If I had a stressful day, which I do, and I were to eat a Twinkie and that would magically make the stressful day go away, then I am all for the Twinkies. I just find that when I am helping people, it actually does the exact opposite. They have a stressful day, they come home and have the Twinkies, and then they feel guilt and shame for eating the Twinkies, and then their stressful day just got even more stressful. So, it actually compounds the stress or the overwhelm. It helps them numb out for a little bit and gives us that pleasure in the moment. But it creates so much pain later on. It's kind of like if you've ever had too much to drink, it's so fun in the moment, but then the next day, the hangover, it makes it not worth it. And so I try to get parents to get that switch of, you know, our brains want to do 3 things at all times. They want to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and be efficient. That's what all brains want to do. And so when we can know that about our brain, then we can kind of talk to our brain and be friends with our brain and not be so us against our brain. It's kind of like my dog. She's a sweetie pie. She never barks. She's never shed. She's like a dream dog. The Amazon driver comes to our driveway, she loses her mind. She starts spinning in circles. She doesn't bark, but she starts to get really amped up. And all I tell her is I'm like, Maggie, it's okay. Nothing's gone wrong. Everything's— her only job in life is to love and protect us. So in that moment, she feels like there's a threat. So that's why she starts to get all amped up. And that's the same with the way that our ego works and our fear is that something has gone wrong. So I need to flip out and I need to numb it versus like, it's okay, Maggie, nothing's gone wrong. So I talked to my brain. I'm like, I know you want to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and be efficient. I know you're doing your job. You're doing exactly what you're meant to do. Instead of what I used to do is I can't believe you want that Twinkie. I can't believe you're such— you have no self-control. You have no discipline. Why even try? Just give up. All those different junk thoughts that I was having. But when I became friends with my ego, I'm like, oh, I just see that you're doing your job. It's kind of like I never would never yell at my dog for being upset that Amazon's here.

Pleasure.

So just like I'm never going to get mad at my brain for doing the brain's job. So what I try to tell parents do is to flip that, where we tell the brain, you're going to get pleasure instead of the pleasure first, then pain later, because let's say it's the drinking— pleasure now of drinking the drink or eating the Twinkie, then the pain is going to be later of the hangover or not feeling like comfortable in your own skin. So instead, flipping that, like, we're going to go through a little pain now where we're not going to eat the Twinkie. But the pleasure is going to come later where we're sleeping better, where we're feeling comfortable in our own skin, our clothes feel amazing, we have more energy, we feel proud of ourselves. So flipping that around in that pain-pleasure triad is so powerful for parents to kind of know that this is part of the human experience and not have to push against it so much and holding that beach ball underneath water.

Well, and what's interesting while you're talking is that I'm thinking about the stress and it goes hand in hand with the work. That you do because we're stressed because our child is having a meltdown and we're reaching for the Twinkie. So it's— you're helping people in so many ways. You're helping people with the child behavior, you're helping people with the parenting, like it all goes hand in hand. And I guess as I'm listening to you talk, I'm thinking about what are the moments where I'm stressed out and reaching for the cookie.

Right, right. So a lot of times we want to, we want to beat ourselves up for wanting the cookie. Yes. Yeah, a lot of times we want to beat ourselves up for wanting the cookie instead of allowing the urge and allowing the feeling to pass by. And it gets, it gets weaker over time. It's almost like, I've never smoked cigarettes, but I hear that when you smoke cigarettes, it's like a pull to quit because the cigarettes are just like, it just feels like this uncomfortable pull. And what happens is it's like the, the monkey and the bell, you know, Pavlov's dog. If you don't give in to the urge and you don't give in to that, then the pull gets softer and it gets weaker. When I was pregnant with both my kids, for some reason, I just had this addiction to Reese's peanut butter cups. So, I was like, I am eating for 2. There are 2 Reese's peanut butter cups. This is perfect. I go to the grocery store every Sunday. I get the Reese's peanut butter cup. No guilt, no shame. I would be like, yeah, let's go. It was like I was conditioned when I was in the public shopping checkout. So then, after I was not pregnant anymore, I was like, well, I can't keep eating those. I mean, I could, but I don't really want to. And so I would feel that pull when I would just— it was like I was conditioned, ring the bell, get the treat, ring the bell, get the treat. I'm in the checkout and all of a sudden my mouth started watering. I wanted the Reese's cup. I'm like, no, I'm not gonna do it. No, I'm not gonna do it. Instead of being like, oh, I see that I want the Reese's cup and I'm not going to do it. Or sometimes I do. And over time of not giving in to that urge and just allowing the urge, then the Reese's peanut butter cups— now I can go to the gas station or Publix and I see them and I kind of just like giggle to myself of how much of a pull for 10 months I was having them, and then I had to kind of deprogram myself to not want them but not give in to the urge. Just because we want something doesn't mean we actually get it. And so we get into emotional childhood of like, well, I want it because I want it because I want it. And then we get kind of like stuck in that, well, I don't want to deprive myself, I don't want to give in. So training the brain of like, we're going to do some pain now and the pleasure is going to be later, and then it just distinguishes and extinguishes over time. And it's almost like Brooke Castillo uses a great example about if you ever had a breakup, and when you are broken up with a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that urge to call them is so strong in the beginning. Like, I should call, I should text, I should call, I should text. And then you don't give into it because you're broken up, or sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. And then over time, like right now, you would never consider calling your— texting your ex because it's been so long. So it's like over time, the urge gets softer, it gets quieter until it completely disappears. So true.

I want to jump more into our thoughts because yes, much to do with it. And you use these letters. Yes. I'm trying to make sense of the letters. Will you help me understand them? It's C, I will, F, A, R. Can you tell me?

When I was trained by Brooke Castillo, came up with this called the model. And this is how you solve for any problem. I help people build businesses, I help them stop yelling, I help them lose weight, I help them get their house organized, have more fun with their spouse. A lot of different goals and you can put any of these goals into the model and the model stands for CTFR. Everybody wants it to be CRAFT, C-R-A-F-T, but it's CTFR because we all have circumstances in our life and then we have thoughts about our circumstance. Our circumstance creates a thought and those thoughts are always neutral. The thought then drives our feeling, which drives our action, which drives our result. And so, the circumstance is something that can be proven in a court of law. It is something that is factual. It is the boring stuff. I have a 4-year-old. I have a 10-year-old. I weigh this amount of weight. This is what it says on the scale. You can't say things in the C line like, I am overweight, I am disgusting, I am gross. Those are all thoughts we have about the C. So, the C is always neutral. So, we don't have a feeling about the C until we have some thoughts about the C. So, the T line is where I help so many people focus on the T line of the model because our thoughts create our feelings. The circumstance is completely neutral because some people will think the thought about, let's say, 200 lbs. is in the sea line. Some people will be very happy at 200 lbs. Like my spouse would be very happy at 200 lbs. So, he is going to have a thought like, I am right where I need to be. Now, someone whose goal weight is 125, 130, 200 is too much. So, you can see how the circumstance is completely neutral. Then we have a thought about the circumstance. And then the thought drives the feeling, drives the action, which drives the result. So, when we know that emotions are in the driving seat of all things that we do, we can choose the feeling that we want to have and then go backwards in the model and then create the thought. Now, sometimes we might say things like, I am, the thought might be, let's say that you want to be 150 and the scale is 200. So, instead of saying, I am never going to do this, this is never going to work, I have done this before and it didn't work, why do I think this way is going to be different? All these different thoughts that we have instead of, I am going to do this until I am at 150 or I am going to figure this out. Thought that I had when I was going through my transformation is, if you love your kids, you are going to take care of their mother. So, that was very driving. That was a driving force for me because when you have a powerful thought, when you have a powerful thought like that, then you are empowered, you are motivated, you feel like determined. When you have determination in the feelings line, then all your actions are just happening organically. But what happens is a lot of times we're not focused on the T-line. We think the C is causing the F. We think the circumstance is causing the feeling, but the thought is actually causing the feeling. So then the thought could be, this is never going to work, I'm always going to be like this. So then the feeling is obviously going to be overwhelmed, defeated, failing, and then the action is kind of white-knuckling it. And then that's why it kind of peters out over time. So I really help people to get super, super clear on their T-line. Even when they have those other thoughts, we just kind of gently guide the brain and we are like, we are going to think different thoughts right now. So, it is not that we are mad that we have those thoughts. We just are super conscious of it and then we just gently redirect it with a lot of grace and empathy and compassion because it is just a thought we thought over and over in time. So, it is on that loop. So, when you can break up that loop and like, I am going to figure this out no matter what, this is going to happen this time. Because what happens is we go into a weight-loss journey, let's say, and we try something and it doesn't work. So then we feel like a failure. We beat ourselves up. So then we go and try again. Well, the brain remembers that old pain of trying it before and failing. The brain does not like to fail. So then the brain's like putting on the brakes and like putting up the walls. It's almost like if you've ever been in a relationship and you've been, your heart has been broken, you're very wary of being in that next relationship if it happens too soon because you don't want to get hurt again. So the brain's like, pull back, pull back, put up your walls, guide your, protect yourself, protect yourself. Whereas when we're younger, if you ever seen a kid, they have no protection against vulnerability. They're just like, let's go, let's love big. Oh, you don't love me back? I don't understand. And so the same thing works with weight loss, of going in and having that feeling line super dialed in where it's determined, it's empowered, it's coming from a place of yes, everything's figureoutable. Those kind of emotions fueling it, then the actions are super, super happen organically. It doesn't make it easier, just makes it more empowering.

Makes so much sense. And I think that people don't realize— I talk about this all the time— that we exercise and we want our arm muscle to look a certain way, so we do it over and over and over. And then we don't realize that it's the same with our brain and that we're working on our brain too. So I'm trying to remember that every time I think something about my weight. I'm, you know, Like you said, okay, I am hearing what I am saying. Now, what am I going to replace that thought with? What is something more empowering? It is so powerful and it takes me to the journey, which is so important. We need to talk about the journey because I think we all, I can so relate to this, we all get so stuck on the results and wanting the certain result and we forget to enjoy the journey along the way. How can we enjoy the journey more?

I love the saying, "The joy is in the journey. The strength is built in the struggle." All those different mantras. I am obsessed with mantras, if you can't tell. I repeat them to myself over and over and over, because if you are not loving your body and the journey at 200, then when you get to 150, it doesn't automatically just be like, "Eureka!" because you travel with yourself. So, you are training your brain along the way. So then when you get to 150, It is kind of like, eureka, of course this happened. I already knew this was going to happen because I have thought it so many times before. So, it is kind of anticlimactic when you reach your goal weight or you reach that part in your business or you stop yelling at your kids or you have more fun in your marriage or your house is organized. You are like, well, of course it is, because your thoughts are in alignment with the results. So, when we can super focus on the T-line, then the feeling is driving it, which is driving the actions, which is driving the results. Now, if we focus on the goal of 150. What happens when we get to 150? We are white knuckling it to 150. Then we get to 150 and that is why people put the weight back on. Not because they are lazy, not because they are not disciplined. It is because they don't see this as a lifestyle and like as a journey of like, this is what I am going to do for the rest of my life. So, I am going to do this until I am 99. For me, a lot of my motivation comes from my kids watching me. I know that they are seeing everything. I have a daughter who is 12. She is embodying everything that I am embodying, the way I talk to myself, even though I don't say it out loud. I can still— I still know, especially our girls, they're very super. They can kind of pick up on energy where they just know, like, whatever we do is all that they know. So if we are working out, if we're eating clean, we have healthy things in the house, we're not feeding our feelings, then there's a high chance that they're not going to be feeding their feelings, that they're going to know how to feel their feelings, that they're going to think that exercise is just part of the human experience, that having salad in the, in the fridge is just part of what we do. Yeah, of course, like right now we have brownies in our fridge, but teaching them that Goldilocks balance of having the brownies in the house and having one instead of the whole tray, which I can do the whole tray. So I am teaching them through my lack of self-control, wanting the whole tray. I talk out loud to them all the time. I want to have the whole thing, but I am just going to have one because I want to, I don't want to feel sick afterwards. But I let them know to kind of normalize that thinking out loud. So I'm not hiding in the closet eating the brownies. I'm like, I'm gonna have a brownie, but I'm just not gonna eat the whole thing. Even though my brain tells me, I will literally be cutting it and I'll be like, my brain is telling me to cut a whole column, but I'm not going to do that, brain. So I'm talking out loud and kind of like doing it in a fun way and also letting them know like, this is something that when you think out loud for them, then it kind of becomes their internal voice too.

Well, and they're the powerful why of You know, we may not be at that place where we love ourselves enough, but we all love our kids so much and they're learning everything. That's what's so important to me is that they see me reaching for the cookie. They see me stressed and reaching for it. And it's so motivating to me to want them to see me going in the basement every day and working out. And it's so motivating to that I want them to see me do the good habits. I never thought about having those thoughts out loud. I think that is such a good point. It is so important because then they feel normal that they are having those thoughts, too, and that we are in control. You know, that is something—

I like to articulate and highlight how hard this is every single day to them. I want them to know, like, this is hard to go for a run when it is I know it's— I'm kind of a wimp, but it's 42 degrees in Florida and I am such a wimp. So I'm going for a run anyway. So I'll talk out loud like, my brain's saying not to go for a run, it's too cold. My brain's saying just to lay in bed, but I'm going to override that because my heart knows how I'm going to feel afterwards. So I'm always talking out loud of how hard this is. And not just— it happens in my sleep. And not just happens automatically. I don't like working out, but I love the feeling afterwards. So I'm constantly talking about how hard that is. Because like you were talking about, when we are trying to build muscles, we lift weights. What happens when we are lifting weights? It actually tears the fibers of our muscles. Yeah. Well, when they rebuild and come back, that is when we get our muscles, is because we have to break down the muscles and then when they come back, they come back stronger, leaner, and they just like more tone. So, the same thing works when we are, the strength is built in the struggle, the joy is in the journey. When you fall in love with that process, then you are not so focused on the scale. You're not focused on the income, what the husband's doing, what the kids are doing, because you're so focused on controlling the controllable instead of being so focused on the result, because the result is going to come and go. But we know that our thoughts in alignment, because how you do one thing is how you do all the things. So when you can practice discipline and show that to your kids, then they're going to see it too. And they learn such powerful messages and such powerful lessons of like, you know, this is hard for mom. So then when something's hard for me, Like my son plays baseball. So hitting the ball and, you know, how many times he has to strike out before he gets a home run or a triple is a lot. So I want to normalize that for him so he can learn that like that's part of the human experience is to fail forward and not running from it. When they get in the car after school, I'm like, how did you fail today? Here's how I failed. So then it's not the stigma and this fear. It's like I wanted to run for an hour today and ran for 30 minutes. I'm bummed, but I made it up by doing, you know, squats. So I'm always talking about how I'm like in that constant— not only battle, but for an hour. I— yes, I'm addicted to running. I don't love running. I love running afterwards, and I'm super slow. One time I had someone at the park, she literally was— she's like, you know, you run slow enough that you actually make me think that I can be a runner. And I'm like, oh, I don't really know how to take that, but okay, I'm glad. So, but I didn't start off running. I ran to the first lake, then I ran to the second lake, and then I walked. And so It's like building upon that and building that compound effect over time. All of a sudden, I'm running a marathon. I'm like, how did this happen? You don't run a marathon in 26 miles. You run 1 mile 26 times. And it's the same thing with losing weight. If you have 50 pounds to lose, if someone has 50 pounds to lose, you don't lose 50 pounds. You lose 1 pound 50 times. And then the brain's like, oh, I can do that. I never tell my brain we're going to go run for an hour. I'm like, we're going to run for 15 minutes. My brain's like, let's go. I run for 15 minutes. And I'm like, you know what, we're going to do another 15. And my brain, it's like a brain hack. I'm lying to myself, but it's like a way to like get me going. And I'm like, we're going to do another 15. After this, we're going to do one more 15, then we're done. Because once you start going, then you have that momentum of the run, the workout, whatever, or just do 5 minutes. It's just that self-confidence that you have because you keep a promise to yourself. And that is more important than the actual workout. Saying you are going to work out or saying you are going to eat certain food and then keeping that promise creates the sense of trust and sense of relationship and integrity with yourself. Like, I am impressed with me. Like, if I ask you to show up at Ruby Tuesday's every Tuesday at 11 o'clock and I am showing up and you are going to start to trust me as your friend. If I start to flake or I am late or my car ran out of gas, you will be like, that is weird. Then you start to lose trust with me that I am going to show up at 11 o'clock. At Ruby Tuesdays. So what happens with a friendship you can trust that they don't flake out is the same type of relationship we need to have with ourselves. And then when we have that relationship with ourselves, it ripples into all other relationships within our four walls and beyond our four walls.

Amazing. And it sounds like it's so— it's such a small thing. Breaking a promise to yourself sounds so small, but it builds and creates this spiral of not following through with things.

Right. And you would never do that to a friend or your sister or even to your kids. It's like not picking up your kids from softball when they have picked to be picked up at 6:30. You would never dream of it. So why would I not show up for a 6:30 run or something that I said in advance that I'm going to do? And I tell people, I'm like, don't start off saying you're going to run 7 days a week or work out 7 days. Start with 2 days. Then you build up to 3, or you build up to— you start with 1, then you go to 2. You build that momentum and then you build that self-integrity with yourself. And then you're actually proud of yourself. and then that's the feeling that's fueling you versus like, I can't believe it. I said I was going to do this. Now I didn't. And then we're just like beating ourselves up. If beating ourselves up worked to get from point A to point B, I'm all for it because I am the queen of beating myself up. I just know that I don't get results that way. And so I teach people that your brain's going to want to beat yourself up, but we're just going to gently guide it another way because if you don't manage your mind, your mind will always manage you because it doesn't want to do any of it. It wants to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and be efficient. That is completely normal. So, then we can take the guilt and shame out of it. We are like, all right, I am going to make a plan. I am going to keep my promise to myself, and that is more important than the actual calories that I burn. It is keeping that promise to yourself. I love that.

It is so important. It is such a piece to this. It is such a piece to our success. I wanted to ask you something. You said, "Doing the work is less tiring than thinking about it." No. Can we talk about that?

We can talk about that. I love talking about that because sometimes we just, we ruminate and we perseverate and we think about, I should be doing this, I should be doing this, I should be doing this, I should be doing this, instead of actually doing it. We spend so much of our brain cells and so much of our glucose that we can be used for other things. But when we create it as a habit, it's something that we're just going to do. Just like we would never cancel a doctor's appointment at 11 if there's a $50, you know, there's a $50 penalty, we would never consider consider it. So the same thing works with our relationship with ourselves because we spend so much time of I should be instead of actually doing it. It's kind of like right now, if I were to say, I just want to stand up from this chair. I just want to get up. I just want to get up. I just want to get up. You're just like, just get up. Like literally Nike has it right when they say just do it. Like literally I'm talking about getting up from this chair and you're like, well, why aren't you getting up from the chair? We spend so much time being uncomfortable in our skin, but then we're not doing anything about it to get comfortable in our skin because we're so afraid of failing. So then we fail on purpose ahead of time to reduce that feeling of disappointment. So as long as we're in charge of the disappointment, then I'm in charge of the disappointment versus it happening to me. Versus I try to help people like get empowered, like let this be your life's work because you have these little souls watching you. And I don't know anything more motivating than knowing that they're watching me and like monkey see, monkey do, and they don't know any different. So I could lay on the couch and watch Netflix and eat Twinkies and they wouldn't know any different. There's nothing wrong with that. It just doesn't give me the motivation and the drive and the excitement and the energy that I want to have for them. When we have 940 Saturdays from the time that they're born to the time they're grown and flown, how do I want to show up to be my best self so then they can model and they can absorb that from me? And then when they're grown and flown, I've created such a habit that this is something I'm going to be doing till I'm 99 in some way, shape, or form, that it just becomes part of who I am. It's become part of my DNA. Like, we don't think about brushing our teeth. We would never dream of not brushing our teeth. So it's the same way, it creates this habit loop where there's not this all this mind drama. It's like we do it, get it over with, and it's like brushing our teeth. We don't think about not brushing our teeth. We don't think about brushing our teeth. And if we miss brushing our teeth, we don't beat ourselves up. We're like, oh, I fell asleep on the couch. I didn't brush my teeth. That's so gross. I'm going to go brush my teeth extra now. So it's the same thing with missing a workout. What a lot of moms like to do is they want to do all or nothing. So they want to eat all the foods. They want to be A+ in their eating and A+ in their workouts. So then if they miss a workout or have a Twinkie or they have a donut at work, then they're like, all right, it's over. I couldn't do it all, so I'm going to do nothing. And so I always tell people, shoot for B minus. You miss the workout, guess what? You go, you get back up and do it again. There is no horse to fall off. There is no cart. You just, it's like, I listened to this analogy and she said, if you ever got in an argument with your spouse, you don't go back to the dating years the next day. You just like pick up. You're like, that stunk. I don't want to argue with you. What can we learn from that? What can we grow from that? And we get super curious. And so instead of so furious at ourselves and beating ourselves up, beating ourselves up, when we allow for the B-, then life becomes super easy because we're not shooting for the A+. Because that's when we are eggshells. We have to be all or nothing. But we're trained as kids, and I think a lot of the conditioning happens when we're kids, to get the straight A's, to get all the, you know, all the accolades, get all the trophies. But that's so externally focused. That when we become an adult, we want to get the straight A's in life, but there are just too many subject areas to get A's in all of it. So, I am just like, let's just be B-. Let's mess up a little bit and let's not put so much pressure on ourselves because that doesn't feel very good. We can still go from, we can still strive for the next. I love Brené Brown talks. Instead of going for perfection, go for healthy striving. Then it kind of takes the pressure off yourself because when I was first a mom, I was like, I can't mess this up. I can't mess this up. I have to be the perfect mom. And so I was like parenting from this fear-based place, and that's where I was messing it up. And now every day I'm like, maybe I'm gonna mess it up a little bit, and that's okay. Maybe my kids will be in therapy. I'll go with them. I'll drive them there. What's wrong with therapy? Nothing's wrong with therapy. So when you take the pressure off your shoulders, you take the pressure off your kids, your spouse, and then everything in the house is just a lot more lighter and fluffier. That's my goal, is to make every— if I could make my podcast Light and Fluffy, that would be the name of my podcast. You have light and fluffy relationship with yourself with your kids, with your spouse, with your house and everything around you, then you're just like, oh, everything's no big deal, then you are enjoying the journey versus just like trying to steamroll through the journey.

Well, and you don't realize that you're changing people's lives until they tell you. Okay, so I want to tell you is I'm listening to your podcast on my walk. And you say aim for the B minus.

And I went, holy cow, what did she know?

And I was like, wow, I guess at that moment I realized I'm always shooting for the A+. Why, why do I think, you know, I used to want the 4.0. Now I want the A+ in life. Why am I always so hard on myself expecting perfection? It's like I'm setting myself up to fail. And you said aim for the B- and you completely changed my life.

Well, Brooke Castillo taught me the B- life and my life is completely different because You can still go for the A, but when you get the B- on your report card, because guess who's in charge of our rubric? Guess who gives out the grades? We do. We get to give out our grades. And so it's so empowering to know that like B- is all I want to shoot for. I'm going to go for the A, but B- is okay too, because it's not tied to our value or our worthiness. And I think as children, our worthiness and our value is a lot of times tied to external factors like our grades. Like for me, it was sports, how many goals I scored. Nobody put that pressure on me. My parents never said you have to start. I just put that pressure on myself. That my worthiness and my value came from something outside of me, whether it was the grades, whether it was the friendships, where I fit in the social circles, the goals I scored, whatever it was, it was always externally focused. And so Kyle Cease and all this work and Brené Brown has helped me to turn my life from living from the outside in and now living my life from the in to the out, where I know that I'm already a miracle. I know that I'm already a child of God. I know that I have a 1 in 400 trillion chance of being on this planet. So anything else that I do after that is extra credit, that there is no dimmer switch on my value or my worthiness. Even if everything were to leave tomorrow, my kids stopped talking to me, I'm still worthy. My husband has an affair and he leaves me, I'm still worthy and valuable. It has nothing to do with any of them. It has everything to do with that, it doesn't even, this body does everything and me does not belong to me. I didn't make myself, so I can't take responsibility for any of it. It's like, then I just have like, I'm just the vessel in all of it. And I'm kind of along for the ride. And I'm like, if I'm along for the ride, how do I want to show up in my relationships? How do I want to just be a fire hose of love for the people within my four walls? So then let's say my husband does have an affair with the secretary, which he works from home, and that would be technically me. You know, then I'm like, that stinks for you, buddy, that you're gonna like cut off this fire hose of love. But if that's what you need for your throbbing spirit, like, I'm all in, whatever you need to do. It has nothing to do with me because I know for the last 22 years I've shown up and I have like just like loved you and I will love you even if you're in my home or not in my home and I will love you from afar. And that's okay because that's just part of the human experience versus I'm not good enough, I'm not valuable, I'm not worthy, there's something I did wrong. I'm like, I'm doing the very best and if that works for you, great. I don't want him to be married to me out of obligation and out of for the kids. I want to be married to me because it feels good to be around me. So far so good. So far, so good with the kids. I'm not in control of any of it, but I know that my side of the street I can control. And that is so empowering because I was so afraid of messing up. I was not going to be the perfect wife or the perfect parent or the perfect keep my house organized. So then I was always beating myself up and I felt so miserable all the time. I'm like, this doesn't feel very fun. So then I started to have more fun with them, with my spouse, with my house, with just a relationship with myself. And I started to see my relationship with myself as a separate entity where I knew that if I was kind to myself and not beating myself up, then I was going to be much kinder to the people in my four walls. Because when I was super hard on myself, I was so hard on my husband and kids. It was ridiculous because I needed them to be A+ so I could feel like a good mom and good wife. Now I'm just like, be my B, C, that's okay. I don't even care. Like, I just focus on my side of the street. And then what happens is like you have these two whole people coming into relationship, W-H-O-L-E people. That are coming into relationship to like have fun together versus I need something from you so I can feel like a good person or I can feel like I'm— you're proud of me versus I'm going to be proud of me. And if you say it too, that's great. That's extra credit. But I just know that I'm proud of me. And it's been so transformative, to say the least.

Well, and I'm laughing listening to you because my husband used to say to me, he knows I'm aware of it now and doing so much better. But he used to say, just because you are so hard on yourself doesn't mean that I want you to be so hard on me.

So cut it out. Yes. Amen, sister. Oh my God. I was so hard on them. I am always apologizing. They are like, it is over. Like, let's move on. But I also don't want to model being hard on myself because I know my daughter and my son will be hard on themselves. I feel like kids are already hard on themselves enough. They just want to know the same thing we know. Am I valued? Am I worthy? Am I whole? When we can answer that yes, yes, yes, over and over and over, then they become in alignment of who they're meant to be versus who they need to be for me. Because then they're just putting on like a fraud, they're putting on like a front. Where don't we all just want to be ourselves and let our hair down and just like be ourselves? And what gift can that give to— we can give that gift to the people within our four walls if we give that gift to ourselves first. To love all of my 50/50. I'm flawed and awesome, they're flawed and awesome, and let's just be flossom together. Versus like, I need to be perfect, I can't have any flaws, I have so many flaws. So if someone said, like, my kids tell me about one of my flaws, I'm like, tell me more, tell me more. I know you're so right. My daughter said the other day, she's like, you're so annoying to be mad at because you always agree with everything. I'm like, I just want to know all my blind spots. Tell me all the things. You're so right. She's like, sometimes you interrupt me. I'm like, you're so right. Oh my gosh. I'm like, tell me more, tell me more. She's like, that's so annoying. I'm so annoyed with you right now. I'm like, I know I'm so annoying. I annoy myself sometimes. I get what you're saying versus like, we want to be like How could I annoy you? I can't believe you're saying that when I annoy myself all the time. So I'm just like leaning into the criticism versus like, there's something wrong with me with the criticism. Wow.

Amen to everything you said. I'm just like, amen. I'm taking it all in. You know, I think that the bottom line is that we're normalizing all of the things for our kids. If we normalize it all for ourselves, our kids feel normal. They feel accepted. I mean, there's so many lessons and so many things that you said. I don't even know where to begin in my thoughts. I'm taking it, I'm absorbing it all, you know. This is only from—

so I read so many books, it's insane. So this is not like I'm a unicorn. Like, this is something I'm doing every single stinking honking day. My kids get mad at me, my husband gets mad at me. I'm like, it's all okay. I get mad at myself too. Versus before, I was like, how could you say that? I can't believe— I would get So defensive. Now I'm just like, tell me more. And they don't even know how to handle it because there's no tug of war. I've dropped the rope. You know, tell me all the things. I, you're right. I'm annoying and I'm amazing and I'm awesome. And so are you. Because then it takes the pressure off them that they need to be imperfect and they need to be perfect or they need to get the straight A's or they need to hit the home runs or they need to get their serve over in volleyball all the time. None of it matters because there's no dimmer switch on our value and our worthiness. We're all imperfect. We're all flawed and we're all awesome. And allows the— takes the pressure off their shoulders to want to be home and to want to have that energy and like flock to home versus like, I gotta get out of here. Because it feels good to be around someone who just loves you for who you are and loves you for all of your flaws and all of your awesomeness.

And I keep telling them every day, I tell my kids, I screw up every day. Every day I'm learning. I mean, 44 years old, I'm still learning, and we'll be 99 and we'll still be learning. Yep.

It is a journey. It is a journey, not a destination, where before I was like, how long is this going to take? Parents ask me all the time, how long is it going to take to lose weight? How long is it going to take to build my business? How long is it going to take to stop yelling at my kids? I am like, how about we just not put a time limit on it and we just show up every day and be the best version of ourselves and let go of all the pressure and let go of all the timelines? Because if that timeline comes and goes, then we think that we failed somehow. But if we just look at the little habits that we are doing, whether it's to lose weight, stop yelling, have more fun with our spouse, have an organized house, and take the pressure off ourselves and just do that one next best step, then it's like, oh, this is part of the human experience because nothing maintains itself. Your laundry always needs upkeep, your relationship, your relationship with yourself. It's always on a continuum versus like, I'm going to finally catch up with laundry. Well, guess what? I catch up with my laundry every day and nothing happens. No unicorns come out, no rainbows, nothing happens. So why not just enjoy the process of doing laundry? Because it's never going away. I could hire someone come into my house. I don't want someone to come into my house to do my laundry. I don't want them touching my stuff. I don't want another body in the house. I feel a little lazy having someone else fold my pants. So I'm like, I'm showing up and I'm going all in and I'm loving all the things, even the grunt work, even the emptying the dishwasher. Because when I'm emptying the dishwasher, my brain goes to, why do you always have to do it? Oh my gosh, it's never going to be over. And then I flip the brain and I can say, you're so lucky that you have dishes to do, that you have a dishwasher, that you have detergent that you can put in. And the night, next day you wake up, you have running water. We went on a mission trip to Cuba, my daughter and I, when she was 9. They didn't— there's no such thing as a dishwasher there. There's no running water. You had to like go down to this lake a mile away to wash one dish. They didn't have dishes. They were just eating out of pots and pans. And so it kind of gives you that perspective in that moment when your brain goes to the junk thoughts, which will happen. We have 60,000 thoughts a day. 80% of those will go to the negative without my management because the brain's always trying to protect us. So we can have control and authority over our thoughts if we think about our thinking. But if we just go on autopilot, which I did for years, nothing really changes. And then nothing really changes. And it's just the same old, same old. And we're on autopilot. And that doesn't feel very good. And Brooke always says, you either feel the discomfort of growth, or you feel the discomfort of stagnation. So many people reach out to me because they feel so stuck. I just feel stuck in my marriage, stuck with my kids, stuck with my house, stuck in rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, because we're thinking the same thoughts over and over and over. So when we start to think about our thinking and just know that a thought is just something we've thought over and over and over, then we can have some authority and be like, I'm going to choose that with intention. Some days I do the laundry, I'm like, I'm conscious that I'm unhappy doing this laundry right now. And that's okay. Sometimes we can be conscious about our unconscious thoughts or our junk thoughts. Like we can choose junk thoughts. Remember, 50% of our life is going to be filled with tricky emotions. So sometimes we don't— the model is not meant to always make you feel happy. It's just to know that if I'm going to complain about the laundry, that it doesn't come from the laundry. It comes from my thoughts about the laundry. But then you are like, I am OK with feeling this emotion right now because when we think about emotions, they are vibrations going through our body. Nothing is going to go wrong. Nobody is going to die. We are not caught on fire. It is a vibration that goes through our body. Sometimes it feels like a tightness. So, instead of pushing that down and being mad about being mad or having anxiety about our anxiety, we have peace with it and then it doesn't have such a hold over us. So, and then we don't have to like eat our feelings, drink our feelings, or get away from our feelings. We are like, oh, this is part of the human experience. So, if we can normalize that for ourselves, then we can definitely normalize it for our kids.

Well, and you have taught me something because we reach our goal. I have reached my goal weight. I have reached my laundry goal. I have reached the goals and I don't feel any different. I am listening to you and I am thinking about, you know, like, let's say my weight is here and I want to get here and I don't feel like I am enjoying the process of it and loving myself so that when I get to that goal weight, I am like, eh, this doesn't feel any different.

Well, there is something called destination addiction where we think happiness is in another location, another weight, another income, another marriage, another job, another house, another— it is always outside of us. It is like somewhere here. So then we are experiencing 50/50 here, which is like kind of a bummer, but it is also good news because when you get to that other destination, it's still going to be 50/50. So what happens is we put all this pressure on the destination because we don't want to feel tricky emotions. So we're experiencing 50/50, we blame it on XYZ. So then we fix XYZ where we break up with the spouse, or we lose the weight, or we, you know, get new kids or the kids move away, whatever it is. We like, for me, I had destination addiction that my, I was experiencing 50/50. And then I got the kids because I thought they were going to solve for all the emotion. Then I had the kids and I'm like, wait, I'm still having 50/50. Well, there must be something wrong with my kids then. So there's this destination addiction where we're addicted to the destination. Once we get there, we still bring ourselves and we still have the 50/50. And they're like, there is no better there. And so when we can get comfortable being uncomfortable with the 50/50 here, then when we get to our goal weight, it's just extra credit. You're like, oh, of course this happened. And we don't expect the 50/50 to go away. We don't expect the kids to solve for it. Our spouse, our weight, our income, our job, etc., etc. We don't expect something outside of us to fix for the 50/50. We experience a 50/50 here. We get okay with it. Then we get to the destination that was like literally all we thought about it. And it is kind of anticlimactic. You are like, oh, it is still 50/50, but it is just a different type of 50/50. I always say it is very hard to lose weight, but it is harder to be uncomfortable in your own skin. Yes. Sometimes it is hard to work out. But it's harder to have no energy. So we have to like kind of play with that hard. Both sides are hard and we get to choose our hard. And so I'm always encouraging moms to choose the pain now for the pleasure later versus pleasure now and then pain will always come later.

I love that. And I love that you're making expectations so much more realistic. I think people are here with their high expectations and I think if we adjust our expectations to more realistic goals, then we feel so much better every day. Right.

And it is not you have to get to the 50 lbs. right now. It is like, what am I going to do in the next meal? What am I going to do in the next hour? Then that is off in the distance and it is great, but it is not our whole focus. It is the joys in the journey because when you get the discipline to do the things now, when you get to that destination, you are going to carry that and the discipline is even going to be stronger. Then it becomes part of who you are versus like, get to the 150, still experience the 50/50 experience, get bummed out, eat your feelings. And then it's this crazy cycle we're on, and it's like rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat. And we feel like it was yesterday. Groundhog's Day. It feels like Groundhog's Day. Like, oh my gosh, this is here again. But the universe, God, whatever you want to call it, will always keep giving you the lesson until you get the lesson. It's like you have to repeat the class over and over and over until you finally get the lesson, and then you can go on to the next class. But there is no place where you're not in a class. Every single day there's something that's there to teach you. So what is that class? And we can pass it. I'm shoving notes underneath all the rooms that I've already passed. I'm in my own classrooms. I'm waiting for people to pass me notes. That's why I go and read the books. So I'm like, all right, you passed this class. What can I learn from you? I'm going to classes that I've already passed. I'm shoving the notes underneath the door. I'm putting the answers on the window and people are like, I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to figure this out. And that's okay because they're just going to keep taking the class over and over and over until they pass it. And then they're going to just upload the song. Hey, son, play Mario Brothers. He's always trying to get the next level, next level. I'm like, what happens in the next level? Well, he fails. He falls forward. He fails forward. He's able, and he's like, oh my gosh, I'm now to level 3. He works on level 3 for a month. Then all of a sudden he's like, I'm level 4. Life is always going to up-level, or he can just not play the game. So I'm always like, let's show up for the video game and let's try to up-level and know that when we're on the level we're going to get, what that we are, we're going to fail forward plenty of times. We're going to stumble. It's all B-minus. And that's the way we get to the next level. It's not by beating ourselves up and having to do it perfectly, because if that was the case, he would never play Mario again. It's the same thing with life. It's like we're always trying to upgrade and go to that next destination while loving the one that we're on. I always use the monkey vine example where we're swinging through the monkey vine of life and loving the monkey vine that we're on now and appreciating all the goodness it is while we're healthy striving for the next monkey vine, not thinking that the next monkey vine is going to give us something that we don't have on the current monkey vine, because it's not all of a sudden going to magically appear, I promise. Taylor Swift did a documentary and she's like, I worked my whole life to be a size 0 because everyone was saying I was overweight, I was overweight, I was just this, I was a— then I got to a size 0 and all the articles said that I was too skinny. So then I went back up to a 4 or 6 and everyone was saying that I was pregnant. And she was like, I finally realized I'm never going to please all the people, so let me just focus on my side of the street and what size I'm comfortable in instead of trying to please all these other people. Because her value and worthy was tied externally. But when she flipped that and it was tied internally, then she's like, oh, they're going to say all they're going to say. And that's okay because I know internally that my, my relationship with myself is strong.

Oh, wow. You know that I have like so many more questions, but I feel like we have given everyone so many lessons, Kelly. This was so, so many good things. I'm taking away so many good things.

I'm so glad. And I want to tell you something.

I ran in the house. I took Max to get a haircut and I came home and I ran in the house and I was starving. And I was like, I'm about to talk to Kelly. About emotional eating, so I better grab something healthy.

Oh my gosh, that is so funny. Well, what I do is I just make sure most things are healthy in the house and then I am just like, I can only, in my weak moments, I only have the things that are not like, OK, I am going to have, my husband loves Fritos. I don't like Fritos. There are plenty of Fritos in the house because he can have a little bit of a bowl and be OK with it. Like if it is chips, then I want all the chips. So sometimes I keep, because my family wants treats in the house because they have what is called self-control. Me, I want the whole thing of brownies. So I have things in the house like they love Fig Newtons. Oh, those are so gross, but they love Fig Newtons. They can have one or two. I just make sure that the environment is where if I'm going to go do that grabbing, then it's something that I want to— that it's not horrible. And so like I'm planning for the brownie. The brownie is okay. I'm just not gonna eat the whole batch. And I'm always talking out loud to my kids so they know that this is normal.

I'm going to start doing that because I am not doing that. And I think that is a very important lesson because they need to hear what I am going through and how I am dealing with it and how I am overcoming it. I think that is something that I will certainly take away from today.

And I want to tell you— Because they have their different versions of hard. Like, it might not be hard for them not to eat all the brownies, but it is hard for them to get off their devices when they know they need to get off the devices. So, they have their different version of hard. So, if we can show them how we are showing up for hard and doing the hard things. Our motto in our family is, "We can do hard things through Christ who strengthens us." We just say, "We can do hard things. We can do hard things." My son is playing video games. He is like, "I can do hard things. I can do hard things." It is so ingrained in who he is and he doesn't even know that, that he is even like using this as a strategy because they are just modeling, embodying everything that they are catching from us.

So awesome. I want everyone to know that this stemmed from, you did a 3-part series on emotional eating and I want you to know, I was walking my dog really, you know, really fast, listening to you going faster, motivating me. And everyone can go to Harmony in the Home and listen to your 3-part series on emotional eating because we did such a good job touching on it. But there, I mean, there was so much more that, I mean, we could talk about this for days and days and days.

That's why I made it into 3 parts because I just was like, I could even do a 10-part series because that's just so empowering. Because if you can get emotional eating down, then other things— stop yelling at your kids— it all just becomes much easier because you have that relationship with yourself. Then you are talking to yourself nicer and then you are actually going to talk to your kids and spouse a lot nicer, too. I only know from experience, so. It is so true.

It is so true. It is that power of discipline in all facets of life. It totally flows into all of my areas of life when I get control of my eating, for sure.

Yes, it really does, because once you do, how you do one thing is how you do all the things. So, if you can control there, then you can teach it And then you can model and embody for your kids where they might have emotional eating, but they're going to have other things where they're going to want to stuff their feelings instead of teaching them to stuff their feelings. Like, let's just feel it. Let's just cry. Let's just get it out. My daughter this morning was really upset. I'm like, let's just get it out. Like, let's just let it out. And it was over before it started. It was like a blip on the radar. But a lot of times we get so uncomfortable seeing our kids uncomfortable, and then we send the message to them that something has gone wrong. Even though you're experiencing 50/50, something has gone terribly wrong and it needs to stop, you need to go away, you need to go to your room, you need to like leave me alone. And then instead of like, no, let's lean into it. And like, let's learn from this. And like, this is part of the human experience. And let's go, let's do this. So they don't have to buffer and push away from their emotions. They're like, oh, this is part of the human experience. And nothing has gone wrong.

I love it so much. It's all so true. Kelly, tell everyone where they can go and find you with all your amazingness.

Well, I love the podcast because I just dive deep. And I love hearing from you of the areas that you're struggling with. So I can do a podcast about that, or I can recommend a book, or I can say, hey, I'm going through this too. And this is what's helping. I'm still struggling with this area. Because a lot of times people put me or you on a pedestal, or they think that we don't have any problems and we have angel kids and we have unicorn husbands. And it's just not the case. And so I just like, how can we lean into the hard and lean into the hard together? Because I always say, I don't want anybody following me. I I want everybody locking arms with me so we can do this together because together we're stronger versus like, oh, I want to be like Kelly. I want to do it. You don't want to be in my brain. My brain without my management is a hot mess express. And so don't ever want to be someone other than yourself or to think like I do because it is a mess up there. But just know that the way that you're thinking is manageable if you manage your mind instead of your mind managing you. My mind managed me for so many years. Now I'm able to live in both. I can hear the junk thoughts and I can kind of like gently direct it, redirect it. But sometimes I don't. I will be going for a run and my brain will start going, you are so slow. Why are you running so slow? I can't believe you used to be an athlete in college. You used to run a 7-minute mile and now you are running. I am like, we are still going to keep going, brain. We are still, my brain says, you should just stop. Just slow down. You are barely running. Why are you even trying? That person, that kid just passed you. If I am running a 5K, I have kids passing me all the time and I am like, nope, I am going to keep going. It is OK, brain. It is OK. I know you are trying to protect me. Me. We are going to, and so I am always living with both instead of like just not doing anything and just going for the walk or going like just sitting on the park bench instead. So, just know that you can live with both and nothing has gone wrong. That is part of the human experience. So true.

Well, Coach Kelly is amazing. Go listen to Harmony in the Home. Go find Coach Kelly all over the place.

You are so sweet. You are so good for my self-esteem. I just, I can't thank you enough.

For joining me again. I just love talking to you. You see that we went on and on and on, and I could go on and on more, but I'm gonna— me too. So I'm gonna say, this is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast, reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC.

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