The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 022 The Stay Calm Mom

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Green. Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family. Hello, this is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast, and I'm so excited today. I have Jessica Ashley here. Welcome, Jessica.

Thank you. I'm so excited to be here with you, Rebecca. I'm so excited to talk to you.

I'm so excited So good to have you. I'm, I'm gonna read your fabulous bio. I just love it.

Okay.

When we are the best version of ourselves as women and our happiest, calmest, most fulfilled selves, it only makes us stronger mothers. This journey of creating a new life, growing as a mother, rediscovering my true self, creating new dreams, finding true love, all helped me realize that when we are the best versions of ourselves, our happiest, most satisfied, most self-fulfilled versions of ourselves as women, we are then able to be there for our children in the way we want to be. It is then that we are able to create that life that they and we deserve. We can inspire them to live their lives with as much passion, love, strength, confidence, conviction, and calm as we have. When we choose to empower ourselves to love ourselves and allow ourselves to value and make strides towards our own internal happiness, we become stronger. With this strength, this self-assure— assurance, and this confidence in ourselves, we then discover the calm within us. Everything I have gone through and everything I have learned on this journey of motherhood motivated me to create a resource for us as women and as mothers where we could find knowledge, share positivity, and receive inspiration to help us be the best versions of ourselves as women and as mothers. So Jessica created Stay Calm Mom.

Oh, I've never heard my words spoken before, and it's like so moving just to like hear anyone else speak anything that was a thought of mine. So thank you for doing that.

Well, and it's so much longer if you go to Jessica— if you go to the jessicaashley.com, right? That is where you will find the full bio. And I read it many times and I read this many times and I'm so touched by it. It's just so inspiring.

Oh, thank you so much, Rebecca. I'm always inspired by your positivity every time we've spoken. And you're exactly the type of person that I wanted to connect with in life when I really started this sort of concept and this idea because I think we just need to come together as women and as mothers because we're all sharing in very similar struggles. Because no matter what your blessings are in life or no matter what your challenges are, just the journey of motherhood and that added pressure and sort of that shake-up of your life, I think, is, is a big challenge just in and of itself. And when we connect with each other and share our emotions honestly and share our lessons with each other, I think it just changes our world. So I feel that way about Always Speaking To You. So I'm really excited today to talk to you about all this.

Well, and this is very special for us. So I'm going to tell everyone why it's special.

Okay.

So Jessica interviewed me on her podcast, The Stay Calm Mom, when she, when she was starting.

For the launch.

When you were launching and I was launching mine at the same time as you. So I feel so connected to you.

Yes, me too. Me too. And hopefully we just share in that throughout the rest of this journey, because I think I think it just started. I think, you know, as long as we just keep that passion in us for these projects that we love, which I hope we will, you know, it'll be really fun to connect with you as our journeys move forward.

Well, and I'm hoping, yes, we can keep jumping onto each other's shows and reconnecting and seeing how the journey is going. So I'm going to start with that.

Okay.

How are you enjoying— what are you enjoying the podcast journey?

Oh, I love it. Oh my gosh, it's like, it's one of my favorite things in life that I've ever done. And I always want to do it. It's just so fabulous. I get to talk to beautiful people and beautiful souls like yourself all the time. And it's amazing because I've spoken to people now from all over the world, from, you know, all these different countries and continents, and everyone has the same sentiments and the same encouragements to share with each other. And there's like a theme across all these different lessons that these women have learned in their lives. And there's a beauty to how they want to share it with each other. And I've just learned that there's so much commonality between all of us. And it's just amazing to see when you look at sort of everything so widespread. I've talked to a mother living in Guam. And I've talked to a mother living in Australia and all over these different countries. And the experiences are so similar. And just what we want in life for our kids to be happy and to support them and be there for them, there's such a shared commonality. And I think it's a beautiful thing that we're able to have this opportunity to live in this time with the technology that can connect us, that we can really see that the world is in some ways becoming bigger and then also in some ways becoming smaller. So we're really lucky, I think, to be in this time. So I have also really found it helpful as a mother to speak to all these wonderful women. I've probably recorded about 40 interviews so far, and I'm looking forward to more. And every time I speak to someone, I learn something that helps me deal with my son better or helps me deal with the relationships in my life better or just inspires me. And just to see, you know, just the fire that these women have in them to keep going every day, keep trying to better themselves, be there for their families. Just that alone, it just, it always leaves me with something positive to take away from the experience. So I feel really fortunate and lucky to be in this position to have the show.

I feel the exact same way. You put it in the most perfect words. I couldn't have expressed it as well as you did. And what I love the most is that I talk to all of you and then I find that I'm happier and I'm bringing lessons into into my parenthood, like you said. So it's almost like a therapy for me. It's my own thing.

Yes, I feel like that. I feel like it's a therapy, you know. I'm just— free, free therapy for me.

It's our free therapy for the day.

Mom therapy. We should start momtherapy.com.

I think that's such a great idea. You came up with such a brilliant title. You called it The Stay Calm Mom. Which we're all striving to become. And I'm just wondering where you came up with that fabulous name.

There's a, there's sort of a story behind it. I feel like I'm definitely, sometimes people have said, oh, Jessica, the Stay Calm Mom. And I feel like I'm not really the Stay Calm Mom because I'm trying to stay calm. And I'm trying to get that, like you said, it's that effort that we have to keep making to kind of stay in that constant state. That's sort of our goal throughout the whole journey of motherhood. So for me, where it happened was my mom used to call, say to me, you're such a calm mom because I would be like crying and having these breakdowns and, you know, in the midst of these sort of like bouts of depression when I first had my son that I'm sure a lot of moms have experienced, especially postpartum depression and all of that. I was going through a very traumatic breakup at the time through a divorce and sort of my life had just shifted overnight. So, you know, at the same time, all within like maybe the same month, I had had a baby and I went through a divorce of a 10-year marriage and it was so overwhelming. So I'd be fine one minute with my son and then you know, another minute I'd be crying and, you know, my mom would bring my son back in or something and I kind of composed myself and I'd be so happy to see him and he brings such joy just to see him and be near him that it kind of would overtake me and I'd be fine. So she was saying to me, wow, you're such a calm mom when everything's like collapsing around you. When your son is here, you're calm. So it's really from him that he kind of gives me that calm and that strength, you know, and that's where it kind of came from is this idea that our children and being mothers gives us strength and gives us calm. And that's really what we're looking for as women, to find that self-fulfillment. And that circles back into helping us to be better mothers and more present with our kids. And that's really all the goal that we have. So I feel like that's really all of our goal is to kind of stay calm. So I think staying strong and staying calm go hand in hand because in order to be calm, you have to be strong. You have to be, you know, trying to better yourself, you know, try and fulfill over anything that you're going through and challenges. And that's when your strongest self, when you feel like, you know, self-secure in who you are and your happiest self, I think that creates sort of the calm you need to then be the best mom you can be. So that strength and that calm kind of go hand in hand, you know?

I completely agree. And I will tell you that I am not a calm mom. And I feel terrible saying that, but I will tell you that I embrace a word for the year. My word for the year is calm. I gave myself that word, and I think every year I'm going to focus on a word.

Oh, that's awesome. I love that idea.

And I'm really trying to be more present and mindful and calm. Um, it's really a focus for me because I would not label myself a calm mom.

We don't have to be calm all the time, that's for sure, because I'm definitely not. My son is 2 and and all he wants to do is break things. Like, seriously, he just like, he'll look at me on purpose and be like, and just throw it for fun, you know. He just wants that attention. So it's super hard to stay calm all the time, but it's, it's the goal.

But it's a challenge, but we, yeah, we work on it every day. I think we all work on it every day.

And like you said, mindfulness, I feel like, um, you know, there's so much we can learn from these different practices and meditation and sort of infusing a lot of these healthy habits. And that's all we can do. We can try to like, you know, go one step at a time towards that goal. And, um, you know, in, in the end we'll get there, but it is challenging, you know.

Sure. Oh, for sure. Well, and you touched on a challenge in your life, and I'm so impressed with you because I know that you had, I believe it was a 10-year marriage, and I know that you have moved your life forward from that in a positive direction. And I know there's other people who could benefit from learning from you Can you share with us how you were able to do that?

Oh, absolutely. I'll try. I'll try my best because I would hope that anyone listening out there, if they're stuck in an unhappy situation, I hope that you first recognize that and recognize that you deserve to be happy and recognize also that if you are a mom, your happiness is going to bring your children more happiness. So it's worth making a change if you're really in a circumstance that isn't right. So what had happened to me, I was I was very young when I got married, only 18, to my first boyfriend. And we were together for 10 years, but really the marriage was so tumultuous from the beginning. And unfortunately he had suffered from some addictions. And for really 10 years I tried to help him with that, you know, understanding the circumstance and the challenges he had faced in his life that sort of created those problems. But ultimately I was miserable for most of the marriage and sort of not understanding how miserable I was. I had gained so much weight and had all these, you know, medical problems like asthma and all these things. And I'd really been kind of suffering from depression for so long that I didn't recognize that that was really a state, because I didn't recognize that that was not normal, you know. And it had unfortunately really been abusive from the beginning because of the, of the addictions that he was suffering. And I sort of swept it under the rug. And of course, it's a very embarrassing problem to have. So you don't recognize fully when there's anything like that, any terms of abuse or anything, sometimes you don't recognize that that's what it is. And I had sort of convinced myself everything was fine. And I had actually convinced myself that the relationship was getting better over time. But really what had happened was I had learned how to really walk on eggshells more, how to like control the circumstance, but I wasn't fixing the circumstance because you can't fix someone who doesn't want to change. And you have to just recognize when there are circumstances that are unacceptable, you have to be willing to say this is unacceptable and this isn't how I should be treated and walk away. But a combination of sort of how it had all happened and being so young had all sort of contributed to it. And so it went on for so long, longer than it should have, for 10 years. Ultimately, we actually had a baby, and that was something that I thought would help the situation. I thought we were in a good place after 10 years. Seeing, looking back now, I can see I had just learned how to control the situation. The actual underlying problems were still the same, but I thought we were in a good place. I thought the baby would also, and he thought the baby would also, you know, bring us closer and, and all of that. So ultimately, it actually took me 2 years to have my son. So I was surprised when I finally was pregnant with him, um, because I didn't expect it to happen. It had been a couple of years I've been trying. So I was really excited and unfortunately things did get worse during the pregnancy. And eventually towards the end of the pregnancy, I recognized that I was going to have to do this alone. And like, it was really towards the end when the problems had gotten so bad that, um, you know, I recognized that it could be a danger to my son. And it was that moment when everything changed for me because it was no longer about myself. It was about my son. And ever since that moment, I was forever changed. And I kind of sat in my car for 2 hours really thinking about, okay, I'm going to do this myself. And I was about 8 or 9 months pregnant. And so I had my son and I recovered from my C-section pretty quickly. And then within the month, you know, some more incidents had happened and I was able to walk away and I kind of— it was something like a movie, like a Lifetime movie, and I kind of just grabbed a bag, threw my stuff in it, and just walked away with anything I could from the house while he was at work. And I never looked back. I did go back to get a few baby things from the bridal— uh, the baby shower, but that was about it. And I sort of never looked back in life, and I just put my son first, and I said, this is the right choice for my son. I started a sort of a new life 2 years ago when this happened. It really felt like I sort of started a completely new life. And in a way, it was like I became a new person. But in a way, it was also like I became the old person I used to be. It felt like there was like an 18-year-old version of myself that had stopped being Jessica for so long, going through that 10-year relationship. And when I left, and I just kind of picked back up on being who I truly was. And so that really felt really freeing. And there's a song that I was listening to at the time called Miss Me More, where it's about a woman who was in an abusive relationship or controlling relationship. And she had finally left and she said, I thought I'd miss you, but I missed me more. And that's really how I felt. I thought that I would be devastated, I would be upset, and I was all those things. But I found out that I found myself again, and I had missed myself even more. So if you're out there listening and that circumstance resonates with you in any way, and doesn't even have to be in an abuse— an abusive way, but if that's you and you don't feel like you're yourself, or you may be in a controlling situation, or you're in a situation that's just not right for you, um, recognize that the fallout might not be as bad as what you think, because your own happiness is really worth something. You have to put more value on that. Um, and it was the best decision I really ever made in my life. And I started going to therapy and all those things. So through that journey of sort of coming back to myself and going through therapy and everything, I wanted to bring the strategies and the resources that I had found helpful to me over the last couple years of sort of growth and healing to moms out there. Because even if you haven't gone through something exactly similar, to a certain degree, as we were discussing, just motherhood in general can really wear you down. And it has an effect on all your relationships. You know, your marriage can be affected, your friendships, just your sense of self-identity. And, um, you know, it's sort of a journey to heal in a certain way and to grow and become better. And you have to focus on loving yourself. And you're going to be there for your kids even more.

I'm so moved. I, I am so impressed with you. I am so happy that you were able to do that and to find yourself again and to get out of a difficult situation. And I just see such amazing things ahead of you as you're talking. Like, I see the bright light and the, the— you've become such a strong, amazing woman, and I hope that you see that.

Thank you, Rebecca. That's so sweet of you. That's really, really so nice of you to say. And I don't get a chance to really talk about this too much because on the show I try to talk with the guests. And so I actually, I have rarely used the word abuse, and I've kind of talked about my journey in terms of sort of an overview. So I've never had this real chance to kind of dive in. And something someone said to me early on in starting the show was I didn't want to use the word abuse you know, and I, I wanted to find a way to kind of glide over it. And they said to me, they said, look at what's happened this year during the pandemic. Abuse rates and domestic violence were up, I think maybe 58% when I had that conversation. And, you know, women were at the point where many of them were being hospitalized, and they were expecting to see the death rate from domestic violence increase. And that's not even looking what's happening really to children. And so the woman I was speaking to, she said, you're doing a disservice to women out there who have been in abusive relationships or going through that to not talk about those circumstances. And I— that really resonated with me. So I kind of wanted to put my vanity aside a little bit because I had been hiding that for so long, for those 10 years. And I think there's also, um, for me— I'm not sure what— how other women feel, but there's a feeling of, you know, your abuse is not that bad, you know. Like, I was never hospitalized, so I felt like, well, I wasn't being abused. There were, you know, times when police got called. But so, I mean, it was— but in my mind, I was like, well, I want being abused. I wasn't in the hospital or anything. Or people go through verbal abuse or mental abuse or being controlled. And I think there's this feeling of like, you don't feel like you deserve to say that about yourself, you know, you don't want to victimize yourself. So that's how I felt for a long time. But once I recognized that all of those things, mental abuse and verbal abuse and physical abuse, all of which I've experienced, um, all of those things are abuse. And so, you know, you deserve to be in a relationship, uh, that has none of those components and that you feel safe in, even if it's just mentally. Um, and I think that's something that we don't really teach our kids necessarily. You know, it's nothing that was never really discussed was the standard of how you deserve to be treated, even in school, things like that. So it's something that you can only really learn by going through it. And I've witnessed a lot of friends and other women go through abuse, and they've sort of experienced a lot of the same things I have. And you don't really know until you learn from it firsthand. So I think it is something that it's more important that we talk about. So thanks for giving me the opportunity to do that because I haven't really gone deep into it before.

Well, and I know it's not an easy thing to talk about, so I really appreciate you sharing with us. And I know that there's people listening who will be helped by that. And I know that you and I set out on this journey to do our podcast to help people.

Yes.

And I know that you're doing that every step of the way, um, through your podcast and through sharing with me, and I really appreciate it.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

And you bring up such a good point because it applies to our children too. Our children need to feel safe. And, you know, I was, I was mad at Lily yesterday, and she was like, "I'm scared." And I'm like, "Why are you scared?" And she's like, "Because you're angry." And I'm like, "Well, here's the deal. I want you to know that everything is okay. If I touch you, it will only be to hug you. If I do, it will only be to kiss you." And I'm like, "You are safe, and we will calm down together." And at that moment, I was like, I have to be aware of the fact that when we get angry as parents, Seth had yelled at her and he had no idea that she was like so upset.

He didn't know.

You know, she does things. Sometimes we yell. Well, we don't want our kids to feel scared and unsafe. And at that moment I was like, see, that's making me the calm mom.

It's a teachable moment.

It's teaching me to be the calm mom because I can I can teach her the lesson without raising my voice.

You are the calm mom, or all the calm mom.

I need to start calling myself the calm mom.

I love that you took the time to tell her about, you know, that in such detail, you know, because bullying is something that we've gotten a lot of talk about over the last decade or so, and I think that's made an impact. So that sort of a conversation is important to have with our kids.

Well, we don't want our kids to feel bullied by us either. Like, that's, you know, huge.

We want to be—

we want our partners to feel safe with us. We want our kids to feel safe with us. And as you're moving forward in your life and you've learned so much about relationships, what are you looking for? What have you learned to move forward and look for in new relationships?

In new relationships? Um, I've learned so many things over the last couple of years that, um, I think the first thing, like, even before looking for— like, in terms of, I'm a single mom, so I am looking for a relationship in life, you know, I hope I don't end up alone or something. But, um, even before looking for a relationship, I feel like I— you have to do the work on yourself and make sure that you're feeling good and that, you know, you're emotionally where you need to be. To be able to make the best decisions for you and for your family. So I've done a lot of work on sort of myself, first of all, and sort of who do I want to be and how do I want to act and, and all of that. And sort of I've taken some action steps in my life that have brought me to a place where I'm comfortable and I feel secure and feel like I'm emotionally where I want to be in life. So I think kind of that's the first step, is to work on yourself. And in terms of relationships, what I'm looking for I've learned on the show, during the show, a lot about the different types of relationships, love languages. I just did an episode on, and understanding how to, you know, communicate, um, you know, your appreciation and love for each other and all of that. So, and, you know, EQ, emotional intelligence, and all these things. So I'm trying to think in terms of like looking for a relationship. Me personally, I'm just looking for someone in my life who is really kind. I mean, just kindness is— it sounds like such a simple concept, but it's really my most important value in life. And Cinderella has always resonated with me for some reason, and I always feel silly talking about it, and I don't mind feeling silly talking about it because there's a theme in that, in that story about kindness, you know, sort of being above all else and even being kind when you are being challenged or you're in unfair circumstances and still having grace and kindness. And so to me, kindness is just— I think you, you should— that's like the most important thing in life. And I want to teach my son that, that that's the most important value for you to have and the most important thing to have in a relationship. So for me now, going through everything I have gone through, I'm looking for number one kindness and to share that same value with someone. And then, you know, as a mom, I'm looking for someone who values my son to the same way that I value my son. And that's really the major thing that I'm looking for in terms of a relationship. And then everything else, I'm just looking for kind of like good values that are similar to mine. And then just in the show, I've really learned a lot about healthy relationships. So there was that love languages piece that's just fresh in my mind, having emotional intelligence and being aware, having respect for one another. I think there's a quote, you can have love you, you can have respect without love, but you can't have love without respect. And that really resonates with me also. So I think just respect for one another is super, super important. That's what I'm looking for.

Yes, so true. All of it is so true. And on my nightstand, I just read Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus, and underneath it is The Five Love Languages.

Oh yeah.

And I swear I've read it it before, but I, um, and definitely that's like next on my list to read. And I have really learned through the years that my husband and I need such different things from each other. So I do think the book is going to help me even more.

So I, I love the love languages because I think it really, um, for me it just like gives me an aha moment saying like, okay, this is why I clicked with this person and why I didn't click with that person. Because just sort of going into single mom mode for a moment, that's sort of where I am in life. I I'm, you know, single and learning about having new relationships. So the love languages, I did the survey and I thought my number one love language was going to be words of affirmation because I just love to talk and I love to hear, you know, appreciative things and I love to give, you know, encouragement and things like that. And I found out that my number one thing is actually physical touch and just doesn't even have to be like in a sexual way, just like holding hands and a hug and just kind of being there for each other. So So I think like just the handholding, all that, like romantic things is so important. So the love languages are interesting to know about, not just in our like actual partner relationships, but even just in our relationships with everyone around us. Like my mom, she clearly, her love language is gift giving. You know, she really doesn't feel like she's expressing her love for her grandchildren in the way she wants to unless she's able to sort of shower them with gifts. And it's something that like like just understanding that makes me under, you know, be able to communicate better with her and, you know, give her that appreciation for when she does that. So even our kids, I think our kids are sort of at a stage in their life where quality time, quality time is one of the 5 love languages. And I think that our children are sort of living in that sort of love language because they do the stages of their love language to happen to change throughout your life. So our kids, that's the best way to express our love to them is give them that uninterrupted quality time. So that was important for me to know. So, you know, it's like with the show, I feel like every episode, it's not that there are these groundbreaking, you know, action steps that are going to change our life in a huge way in that exact moment, but they're all these pieces of knowledge. And I think that's really important that you're living your life in a way that every day you're looking to better yourself and sort of seek inspiration every day. And then all of a sudden you look back and you feel like a renewed person. You feel like you're able to handle your relationships a little bit better. And your life is just better overall.

So true, so true. And you said that our love languages change, which is so spot on, because I'm laughing thinking about the fact that I have 3 kids and they keep me spinning. And my husband realizes that acts of service—

yes—

are what I'm always looking for from him. And it's like him taking them somewhere or doing this, or like, that makes me feel loved because I feel helped.

Yes.

I, when we first met, I never ever would have said that.

Exactly. It changes. That's so true. And so you, you just being able to communicate, communicate that to him makes a big difference. Just having that ability to have that open communication about that. So I think it's awesome.

Well, and on the other side, he doesn't feel that way. So then I have to learn what he needs. You know what I mean? Because he doesn't need that to feel loved. So it's interesting, but I'm gonna back you up to Cinderella. So first I want to tell you that my daughter Ella comes from Cinderella.

Oh, she does. Yeah, Ella's from Cinderella. Yes, we both love Disney. I remember.

Well, and I remember seeing on Facebook that you love Disney. I do. And I was like, I cannot do a podcast with her and not bring up Disney World.

I'm so glad you did. I'm happy to talk to Disney about Disney any single day of the week. I love Disney so much. I'm obsessed.

Well, and it's hard right now because, you know, I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to travel.

No, me too. And I had a trip planned last April when COVID broke out to Disney, and I was so excited and it got canceled. And, um, I'm wondering if I might go this summer. We might go with like me and my son and his grandparents. We might go. So we'll see. I think once we all get the vaccines and can travel again, I think there's going to be multiple trips to Disney. I haven't been there in 10 years.

What?

Yeah, I haven't been there since my 21st birthday, and I want to go so bad because we didn't— I didn't have any kids to go with since then, and we kind of went as a family trip back then. We were all kind of older, so we're sort of like a last hurrah sort of thing before everyone sort of started moving out in college and all that. But, um, yeah, I miss it. So I, I love to watch Disney movies with my son, and what we love to do is, as you were seeing probably on my post, I love to watch the Disney fireworks show with him at night. We like to turn the fireworks on.

I've never done that.

Oh, it's on YouTube. It's awesome. They have the whole fireworks show and it's all recorded, like, on Cinderella's Castle, and it's so much fun. You can do virtual rides. I actually did that with him this I have done that. Isn't that— that's a lot of fun. They have Universal— it's not Disney, but Universal has like a Jurassic Park ride that he loves dinosaurs right now. So we like to watch that together, you know, 10 minutes. It kind of breaks up your day. You feel like mentally you went somewhere since we're all trapped with COVID And for us Disney lovers, we need it.

We totally— my girls and I sat on the couch and watched rides for hours one day and we felt like we had gone to Disney World.

You could even make it like a thing. You know, you can have some snacks. And wear Disney outfits or something like that. Wouldn't that be a fun day? Oh, I love that.

So much fun. So much fun. Ella doesn't like to go on rides, so it's like the perfect ride for her to be able to sit on her couch and watch.

Oh, that's so awesome. Now, is her favorite princess Cinderella since she's named after Cinderella?

Oh, hands down. She knows the story. I found out that Cinderella's real name was Ella.

Oh, really?

Yes. And I don't know, I don't know what the timing was, but it just was so perfect being pregnant with a girl.

Oh yeah.

And I'm just like, I love Disney and I love Cinderella and my husband loved the name, so I was like, yes!

Oh, that's awesome. That's so good.

I—

have you seen, um, Drew Barrymore does sort of like a, uh, almost real-life version of Cinderella. It's called Ever After. Have you seen that movie?

You know what, years and years ago. I think we should revisit it.

It's a good— I like that.

Movies in our life because we're not going to as many places as we used to go.

Yes, definitely. But still, Disney will— like, I think actually Disney is closed right now. I think they're closed down with COVID They reclosed Disney World. Did not know recently because my father just told me about it because we were talking about maybe the summer we'll go to Disney, and I think that they're closed again. So I'm dying to go. I just, I just, I love the, the concept of Disney just because the The quality of everything that they do is just above all else. And especially when you go to Disney World, everyone's like, "Have a magical day." I mean, it's just a special place. I just love it. I can't wait to show my son it.

And I think that you were the one who said that the lessons in the movies are so wonderful. I think that was you who was writing about that.

Yes, I was researching it a little bit, and I don't have the facts in front of me, but they were saying that about every minute or every few minutes, I forget how many minutes, but it was every few minutes or so, there's sort of a kind act that one of the characters does. And there was some sort of like a psychological term to it. Maybe it was a pro-social act or something like that. I forgot what the psychological term is to it, but it's those small little actions about being kind to one another that they were saying the rate that that occurs within Disney films is so much higher than other shows out there when they were studying them. So I think there's so many kind lessons that are just kind of like, you know, jam-packed into everything Disney, just because that's really the theme of it. And so it's something that they've really researched, and it's just— they're kind. I mean, it's controversial because, you know, Disney through the years has been a reflection of society, so there's been different things, and you know, different stereotypes and things like that that have come up. But I think that's, you know, true of everything. And when you look at it and all those sort of pro-social behaviors that you're encouraging your kids to have and talking kind to one another is a big one. I think that's why maybe we love it so much.

100%. Well, you always walk away feeling good. You always walk away with like a warm feeling. At least I do.

Yeah. And it's something to bond over. Like my family, we actually drove to Disney World a few times from Boston. So it was like a 24-hour drive.

Oh my gosh.

So, and we did it multiple times actually, like a few times. So that's really just the memories that you have from all those sort of activities. That's what you walk away with from your childhood. They say that really 15 minutes a day with your, with your child is what they will remember as quality time from you. It doesn't— obviously it's good to be more, but necessarily doesn't have to be more if you're really spending that uninterrupted quality time with them because is they'll walk away feeling like my mom or my dad really spent a lot of time with me and, you know, focused on me and all of that. So it's really interesting that we can have that big of an impact. So those kind of family bonding moments, like you were saying, watching the rides with Ella and everything, that's all that really our kids want from us, you know?

That's good to know because we played a couple board games yesterday and I was like patting myself on the back because I even got my 14-year-old to play with us.

Oh, nice. That's hard to do.

We played a couple games and I was having so much fun. I didn't time it or anything, but they were like, okay, that was fun. Bye. And I was like, hey, yeah, but that's good to know. It counts as quality time.

Yeah.

It doesn't have to be all day. And that's something that they will remember. Yeah.

Even the bedtime routine for me is what I really focus on a lot. Like I kind of do like an hour of reading with my son and it turns into reading slash play, but at least you kind of— as moms, we have so much guilt, you know, and we're always pulled in a million directions. So no matter how much time we spend with our kids, we're always like, did we look at them enough? Did we respond to them correctly? Like, the guilt is out of control. So just kind of know those facts, like, gives you a little bit of peace of mind, you know.

So true. Which brings me to my next question.

Okay.

Because you are a single mother, you have multiple businesses, you have multiple things going on in your life. You're so busy. You have a son. How are you balancing it all?

Oh my gosh, like, so hard. By a thread, by a thread. Like, it's truly by a thread. It feels like that every day. You know, it's so hard because being that I am a single parent and I don't have a lot of family that lives near me, my number one challenge is just like when the daycare is closed, you know, what do you do? Or like if he has a runny nose, especially with COVID you can't send him to school for like the week. Week, you know, you're out of luck. We had a snowstorm the other day and the school was closed for 2 days, and he actually only goes to school right now, daycare, Monday through Thursday, so not even Friday. So for me, if he's home for 2 days with the snow day, I mean, my week is shot. Or if he has a runny nose like on a Sunday, I'm like, oh my God, my whole week is gone because I don't have anyone to call, you know, when the school closes early or anything like that. So for me, it's sort of like those challenges timing-wise are what's really hard to balance. Because I'm also self-employed as a realtor. So it's really hard to kind of make the time for all of that. And I used to have my 9-to-5 job. I was in banking for 10 years before I had my son. And I tried to go back to that shortly after I had my son, but it was so hard to maintain, like, you know, like I said, like, you know, if he has a runny nose or anything like that, and then COVID happened and all the daycare shut down. So, you know, all of these factors, I ended up saying, I'm going to make a jump jump and a dive into being self-employed because I've always wanted to be self-employed. And I had in mind that real estate would be the way I would do it for a few years before I had him. So I said, now with COVID it's time to take a plunge and sort of lose the safety net, unfortunately, of that stable salary income. But it's something that I know that long-term will allow me to be there for my son in the way I'm looking to be. So right now it's sort of like an interesting time in my life because I just started my new business being self-employed. And then also the podcast, which takes a lot of time also. So it is a real balancing act right now and it's sort of scary, but I just think it's super important to kind of have faith in what you can accomplish, you know, if it— and sort of, you know, not be afraid that you have to take like the safest route, you know, kind of if you see a path for you that's going to work, like I think you should go for it. A big concept with me that I think is really important for your own happiness is sort of creating a new goal for yourself and new dreams in your life because a lot of times we're sort of of, you know, we feel really defeated by whatever we wanted, especially in motherhood. If you had previous goals or previous plans for your life and they got really changed, especially in motherhood, I think it's really easy to feel so defeated. And it's really important for your own happiness to sort of create a new dream for yourself. And I call them dreams, kind of Cinderella is in me with that. But they're goals, you know, but if you want to create a goal for yourself that's so big that I think you're afraid to talk to people about it. It, you know, because you want it to be something that really means something to you. And so my show is sort of a dream that I want to work on, and I'm still working on it. And then also being self-employed and taking care of my son financially myself with that is a new dream that I have too. So I'm working on it also. So it's a work in progress. So yeah, not feeling guilty, I think, is a big piece of balancing all these things, you know, in terms of how do you to overcome the balancing act. And then also, I think you need to really turn to people who love you because they want to be there for you. And I think it's really hard for us to ask for help. I know I have been really independent my whole life, so it's been very hard for me to really ask for help. But there are a lot of people out there who really love you more than you realize. And if you need help balancing everything, I think you need to turn to people who love you because they want to be there for you. It's going to make them feel good to be there for you. So I think that that's really important in balancing all these things.

Such good advice. I think that we get stuck in that trap of thinking we need to do it all. Yes. And I think that's when we start to sink.

Yes.

And I love your advice to not feel guilty.

Mm-hmm.

That we will feel like we are balancing life better if we take the guilt away.

Yes.

Such good advice.

We do. We need to take that guilt away. Um, there was a woman who was really inspiring that I spoke to and And we were discussing to instead of spreading guilt, to spread grace and spread, you know, positivity and connection within each other, within sort of the mothering community instead of spreading guilt amongst each other, to sort of spread grace and kindness amongst each other. And she had started a charity to help feed women during the pandemic and families. So I thought that was really inspiring that we can really turn that around. And I think we have done a really great job this past year of turning that around. Around because I think when COVID happened, I saw so much inspiration in the way that mothers helped one another because as a single mom, when COVID first happened, I thought, how am I going to go to the grocery store because I don't have anyone to watch my son while I need to go inside? And it wasn't just me that went through that. A lot of moms sort of went through that, and I saw online mothers coming together saying, we're going to form a team. I'll go in, you know, we'll meet up because we're neighbors. We'll meet up, you watch the kids in the car, I'll go in, then we'll do that. We'll do a and I just saw like this great connection between moms. Like that woman who I had spoken to had started a charity to help feed families. There was a real, like, in our time of need, I feel like it brought out the best in us in terms of a mothering community. I saw us be there for one another. I saw a lot of posts online. This is before I started the show and it inspired me to start the show. I saw a lot of women posting, like, they just feel like they can't take it anymore. They've been stuck in the house. You know, the pandemic had just happened. They're overwhelmed. Their partner's not helping them. They have 3 kids at home. They're crying all day. And every woman was just like jumping up to give them encouragement and say, you can call me if you need a friend. Let's have, you know, virtual cup of coffee. You can do it. Here's some inspirational quotes. Like, we were all there for each other, I think, when we needed it. So I think that it's been a lot of lessons learned over the past year or so. I feel like that'll stay with us as a society as we go forward.

So true, 100%. I have learned that that, you know, one of my things is, you know, and I'm not— men, men and their businesses are important too. I'm not putting that aside. I just want to focus on women.

Yes.

And the fact that I'm seeing women put out their businesses, you know, all over Instagram and all over Facebook, and I'm like, yes, yes, yes! And I want us all to succeed, and I want us to all have our businesses booming. And I just see the female all over media, and I've been loving it with you.

So yes, you're right. And I think Forbes actually was doing a survey, and I don't have the facts in front of me either for this, but I want to say it was maybe a third of women they were surveying were planning a huge career shift post-pandemic or starting their own business. There's been a huge influx of women starting businesses because we've really been shaken up and we've found out that, you know, even though it is 2021, a lot of the family responsibility and child rearing things, you know, falls to us when sort of, for lack of a better word, shit hits the fan, you know. And so we've really realized that we need to make some big changes in our life and it's sort of time to get those new dreams and sort of go after them and be brave and recognize that you can do it. And I think, like you said, a big piece of that is the encouragement that we've been able to share with each other.

Absolutely. And I can't believe how many women have had to quit their job. Yes, children are not in school. Most children are not in school 5 days a week. I shouldn't say that for everywhere, but I can say that for where I live, children are home part-time. It's really fallen mostly on the women, and they've had to— a lot of them have had to either quit their jobs or change their jobs, like you said. And my heart goes out to people who are doing the 9-to-5 job because finding things to do that I can do flexibly— flexibly, I can't say this word— finding things I can do that are flexible, yeah, are the saver with being a mother and having my kids.

You have to. Yeah, definitely, you're right. And that's why I changed now into real estate, because I had my 9-to-5 job and it was very comfortable, but I, you know, motherhood is like a whole nother thing because it's a full-time job, you know, it's a full-time job. And we don't recognize it in our society as a full-time job, but it is a full-time job, you know, and we don't even have some of the benefits like, you know, paid daycare services and, you know, paid medical leave, maternity leave, and everything that other first world countries have. So it is really challenging. So it's been a big shift and a lot of divorces have come out of the pandemic also because it— I don't think it's— it's just kind of been a wake-up call to like, like, you know, you need to be there to support each other because it can't always fall to us with the kids. Like, it has to be a joint effort in this 2021 world where we're relying on both incomes and all of that, and we shouldn't feel that all the burden's on us. So it's made people really take another look at their relationships, and it's unfortunate that there's been such a high divorce rate, but— and it's sad because I think that people do need to spend a lot of time before making that decision and try counseling and all those things. Unless there are some major problems. Like, I was speaking to my divorce attorney friend and she was saying that— she was saying it's really sad what she's seen this past year of how quickly people want to jump to divorce without really trying anything else, or, you know, and they have children and everything. So she's found it pretty sad, but it's been such a big shake-up and made us reassess all of our relationships.

So much so. It's been an interesting year, and it's been an interesting journey starting our podcast together, and I can't tell you how I'm just so happy to see you again and be able to talk to you.

Me too. And it feels like yesterday I was just talking to you, but I think it's been a few months now, like maybe 4 months or something.

It's been a long time.

And it feels like yesterday, and you were telling me about your kids and we were discussing are they going back to school. And yes, now we're in the winter months again of this and talking about vaccines. So it's been interesting.

Well, we'll have to, we'll have to reconnect again for sure.

Yes, absolutely we can, for sure.

What else would you like to share that I didn't get a chance to ask you? Okay. Anything, anything else?

Um, the only thing that maybe I, I would love to share with anyone out there listening who has identified with any of the pieces of the journey that I've been through that I've discussed, um, I really took some time to reflect, especially during COVID and being home with my son, on what has really helped me sort of feel better the last couple years and feel like myself and feeling strong enough to take on new challenges and to be the best mother, feeling strong enough to be the best mother I can be, really. And I think that what I really reflected on was this idea that looking back, all the experiences in my life has really, have really shaped me into who I am. And I think back to certain experiences and I say, okay, that experience built me, you know. And I think that that the same experiences we go through, we either really allow them to break us or allow them to build us. And it's about our perception in that moment and how we sort of rise from those challenges. And there are certainly a million action steps that you should be— that you need to take when you sort of want to have your life build you up and learn from it and grow from it instead of breaking you down and feel destroyed from it. But some of the action steps that have really helped me to take circumstance such as my divorce and having a son myself and going through all of that, instead of letting that really break me and try to make an effort to sort of let it build me into who I am, I sort of took 5 steps that I hope maybe would help someone out there. I guess the first step that really helped me was— we touched on it a little bit— was to reassess my relationships and make sure that I'm really taking a healthy look at my relationships and making sure that there are positive influences in my life. And that people who are in my life are in my life for the right reasons, that they're adding positivity to me, and they really love me from a genuine perspective. So really reassessing your relationships, I think, is a priority number one when you want to sort of better your life. And I think a second action step that has helped is— we are also discussing a little bit about this— it was about growth and sort of seeking growth. Because something that I feel like when you're going through a time of despair such as that, and what I was going through, I felt like I don't have anything to look forward to. I don't have anything I want to do. What will make me happy in life? Nothing. You know, it felt like a very— a time of despair. And I think the only way to come out of that and to sort of give yourself new hope is to be looking through your life through a lens of constantly trying to better yourself, looking for that daily inspiration in small things, in a conversation such as this one, in the positivity of it, in a quote that you might have seen, in in the beauty of nature, going outside to take a walk, looking for that inspiration is going to help you grow one piece at a time. And eventually you'll get to the point where you're inspired and you're able to create sort of new hopes and new dreams and see the light, as you mentioned, Rebecca, at the end of the tunnel, which is really what it's all about when you're trying to overcome challenges. And that brings me to sort of the third step would be, um, you know, focusing on positive daily habits. Like for me journaling has been a big one in the mornings. I know a lot of moms love to journal before their kids wake up. For me, the number one thing that has helped me and helped me during COVID as I think it helped many people, was just taking walks and being out in nature. It just really gave me the time to reflect. Exercising kind of gives you also that time to reflect. Just, you know, infusing some daily habits where you have you time, the baby's napping, having that cup of coffee. And there's like trying to kind of turn your mind off. Like, I know you mentioned mindfulness, like trying to just sit with your cup of coffee for just 1 minute and look at the beauty of the nature outside the window instead of thinking of all those recurring thoughts in our mind. And then once you're feeling good, you're able to kind of create those new hopes and new dreams is sort of the 4th step, I would say, and 4th stage. And then the last piece that I'll mention that really helped me was how do you how do you overcome the anxiety? And I think that's where the Stay Calm Mom piece for me kind of comes into play of how do you actually stay calm and want to do all this? Because it's really easy to have, you know, anxiety and panic attacks and be like, I don't want to change. I hate everything about my life. I'm never going to have a nice life, like all these things. And so for me, I had— someone had inspired me on a podcast actually and said that you can live in the emotions of your future. You know, if you're really imagining the future that you want and, you know, having a vision of it, that vision is just as powerful as a memory or as the present moment. It's the power you're giving it. So you can— if you can imagine the future you want, you can live in the emotions of happiness and positivity just for a moment to imagine those emotions and sort of absorb them, and that will give you strength to move forward. So on the flip side of that, I think if you're also facing big challenges, you should also imagine going through those challenges and how painful will that feel? How will I recover from that? How will that divorce affect me? How will losing this job affect me? Because you'll work through those emotions before the actual event occurs and you'll recognize that you can get through them because as mothers, there's nothing we can't get through. So if you already are prepared to kind of face the worst-case scenario, you'll then be able to walk through that circumstance and that fire unscathed and you'll know you can come out of it stronger. So that's what I really just want to share with everyone out there. Those are some of the reflections that have helped me over the last couple of years. And that's a lot of the reason I wanted to create Stay Calm Moms. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to share that.

Such good advice. I'm motivated to go have a fabulous day.

Well, thank you. Thanks for letting me talk so much too. I'm a chatter.

I love listening to you. Can you tell everyone where to go find you?

Yes, absolutely. So you can find me as JessicaAshley.StayCalmMom on Instagram. I'm also on LinkedIn and Facebook as Jessica Ashley Stay Calm Mom. You can also find me on YouTube, and you can find more information on thejessicaashley.com and my show, the Stay Calm Mom Podcast, if you search Stay Calm Mom on Spotify or Apple Podcast or Amazon, anywhere you listen to your podcasts. I hope you enjoy listening and following the show there.

I love listening to your podcast and it helps me to stay calm. So you are achieving your goal.

Thank you so much, Rebecca. It's been such a pleasure.

Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy, busy life to be here with me. I really appreciate it.

Anytime. I enjoyed speaking to you so much.

This is Rebecca Green for the Winey Palooza podcast, reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC.

To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.