The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 124 Aloha Parenting

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone. This is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast, and I am so excited to have Tara Vilela here with us today. Tara, thank you so much. For being here with me.

Yes, thank you so much for having me.

This is great. I know, I'm so excited. I'm so excited that you're in sunny Hawaii. I wish I was with you. What is the temperature? I see the sun. Um, what is the temperature today?

Um, probably 88. It's pretty— that's the standard, like 88 and sunny.

It's like Oh my gosh, well, in case you don't know, I'm in Buffalo, New York. I know you're laughing. It is dark. There's a ton of snow, and I think it's like 12 degrees. Okay, okay. So anyways, okay, so you can go sledding and build a snowman. So we, we can totally go sledding. I am going to try to absorb the warmth from Hawaii while So let me tell you about Tara. First and foremost, Tara is a mom. She has 2 young kids and one on the way. Congratulations. Oh, look at your baby bump. She's due in early March. My daughter Ella was born on March 3rd, and she is an amazing kid. Tara lives on Maui, Hawaii, and I'm so jealous. Her BA is in child psychology from the University of Minnesota, and then after teaching preschool abroad, she went back and received an MA in behavior analysis and became a board-certified behavior analyst where she worked in schools, homes, and clinics with families of children with special needs. Her experience working in a play— applied behavior analysis was within the confines of insurance, which is why she broke out and created Aloha Parent Coaching. After utilizing ABA strategies daily with her own kids and talking through the same tips with friends, she knew all parents could benefit from these resources. Aloha Parent Coaching is dedicated to spreading knowledge, support, and guidance so parents have a strategy in place to tackle those frustrating parts of parenthood and build a healthy relationship with their child. Tara is on Facebook, Instagram, and she has free resources with us, and we're going to discuss all of that at the end so that you can find her. So Tara, yes, first of all, I love the title of your coaching program. That just makes me want to jump right into it.

Thank you.

Um, let's start with, um, what inspired you to become a parenting coach?

Well, I, within, uh, while I was providing ABA services, part of that with insurance is mandatory to do parent training. So I worked with the, with the kids and with the families and then decided you know, after having my own kids, I noticed how much my parent trainings shifted and changed. And I was like, oh, I can— I feel like I can relate more to these families and have more information to give to them, as well as, you know, when I'm talking with my friends, I'm like, you know, why don't people know this? So I decided to shift away. As much as I love working with kids, and I've always enjoyed being around kids, kind of now that I had my own, I was like just ready. And I saw such a gap in needs between the services that the kids were getting and then the parents and the extra support that they were needing but not quite getting. And then not just those that have, you know, kids with special needs, but those like every, every parent in general. You aren't given a handbook of like how to raise a child in the hospital when you're bringing home your infant.

So I think about that all the time because I went to school for social work, I took a bunch of trainings, and I was counseling families prior to having kids and had all of this knowledge and still was scared out of my mind. So I was like, if I'm scared, I can only imagine how everyone else is feeling.

Right, exactly. And that was part of it for me too. I went through some postpartum anxiety once my child— my youngest now was about 6 months, so it was kind of a, like, a later onset. I didn't really know what was going on, and all of a sudden it hit me, and I was like, I'm struggling, I don't know how to get through. But I do know the strategies, I'm just not using them right now. But exactly, so once I was able to, like, process and get through that, I was like, okay, this is what, this is what needs to be done, this is what I need to do, and why I'm That's why I'm here.

Exactly. And, and I don't know about you, but there's a mom, there's a mom in my head and there's a therapist in my head, and like the mom has to calm down for the therapist to come out.

That came out for me when we were trying to sleep train. Oh, no other. The mom is like, just go get your crying child, and my other little behavior analyst's like, but you know that's gonna increase you know, don't do it, don't do it, it's on extinction.

So hard. We definitely have the two voices going. Um, I love that you talk about boundaries, and I think that people don't know a lot about boundaries with their kids. Can you tell people the difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries? It's a hard one.

Well, the big Really, the key point that I like to drive home with boundaries and setting healthy boundaries is, you know, being able to be consistent, and to me that's what sets a healthy boundary. So when you're, when you're saying something and you're able to say it and put it out there that this is what's going to happen, this is our rule in the house, and this is what it is, and sticking to it and keeping with it and being able to set those boundaries. And then when you're trying to take care of like holding space for yourself and holding space, and that is so hard to do. So really just being mindful of, okay, is this something I can realistically do? Is it something that I can hold to? Or is it something that maybe it's not and I need to just stop letting that— saying it because I know that I'm not going to follow through on. Being consistent with that.

Such a good explanation. And I think that in the heat of the moment, I'm guilty of setting a boundary that I know I'm never going to enforce.

Yeah. Oh, definitely. Definitely. And that's where it's so hard to— and why I also like a big thing that I preach is taking a break. So stepping back, taking a moment before you say something, or if you do set that boundary, if you do say, I'm taking that away, but you know you're going to end up watching TV at the end of the day anyway because you're exhausted. To have the extra step in between there, like, I know I told you earlier that this wasn't going to happen, but because you're listening so great now, look at you sitting there, you're quiet, okay, we can do it. Yes, yeah, give yourself some of that space in that wiggle room to be able to feel better about, but, and also explaining why you're going back on what you had said earlier. Like, I know I said this, but—

I do that all the time, or I'll say, this is how you can earn it back. And the other thing that I'm finding for myself is that I cannot give them a punishment when I'm feeling hot. Like I have to tell them, I will get back to you after I've cooled down. Right? Yes, yes, you understand, you're a mom.

I know just that I have 4 and 5 and a half, so they're like just coming through that stage where I feel like I can give them a little bit more space. You don't have to like jump in right away with this. Yes.

Oh my gosh, I love those ages and I miss the babies. I love that you have one coming. I'm sorry, I missed that.

I said we're excited.

It's so exciting. It's like the most exciting time, and I'm 45. So I said, I said to my husband, okay, fine, we're done. Fine, I'm too old. Fine. So other than unhealthy boundaries, what do you think the biggest mistake mistake is that you're seeing parents make right now?

Oh, that's a hard one. I guess one of the big things that stands out to me is we spend a lot of time at the playground, and I think a lot of people are, you know, at playgrounds. They're out with their kids a lot right now. We're with our kids more than probably normal with kids being out of school and all that fun stuff. And one of the big things is transitions. I see a lot of parents, or I'll hear them saying, well, two things, kind of like, okay, and now, now we're gonna, you know, they— there's no warning. So it's a, oh, it's time to leave, we're gonna go to the grocery store. Oh, okay, it's time to go. And which is so hard and can be really triggering for kids because they a lot of times need that. So then you'll see them melting down, um, you'll see that meltdown at the park. In my mind, of course, it's like, oh, maybe, maybe just say like one minute and then at least like a one-minute warning. It doesn't even have to be like on a timer, Nessie. It's just that, okay, one more minute of playing and it's time to go. Okay, 1 minute's up, like 10 seconds later. Oh my gosh, yeah, being able to give that transition I think is a really big thing that I see and I hear a lot, you know, at stores or at the playground. And then the other thing is just kind of with that consistency and follow-through when you are at the playground, giving 2, saying no 2 times only Or giving a directive 2 times only. So, hey, we're going, it's time to go, or it's time to put our shoes on. They don't respond, it's give it again. Say, it's time to put your shoes on and we have to go. And then by that third time, you want to make sure that you're helping them put their shoes on or giving them a choice instead of continuing to ask again and again and again, because it's at that point just going in one ear and out the other. So It's not helpful to keep asking the same thing when you're not getting any response.

Oh yeah, that's such good advice. My daughter Lily is 9 and she's the youngest and she hates when I rush her. She hates it. It's the, it's the heart of every single meltdown. So I'm not perfect. None of us are perfect. But like, I have to watch the clock because what happens is I lose track of time and I'm like, hurry up, get your shoes on, we have to go. And she freaks out. And I'm like, you know, like after like 50 times, I'm like, okay, you see the pattern. Like you have to say this, right? Like you have to stop rushing her. So if I watch the clock and keep track so that I can give her warnings. The difference is just like unbelievable.

Yeah, right? So true. I mean, yeah, there'll be some mornings where if I don't have my alarm set and I have to get my daughter to school, I'm like, we gotta go finish our breakfast and then you have to get your shoes on. Hopefully I made a lunch for you. Like, let's go.

I know. Oh God.

And then she's all stressed out and like crying by the time she's walking into school. I'm like, sorry, it was my fault that we started the day out like on the wrong foot.

But oops, oops, it happens. It totally happens. We're talking about having more peaceful homes, and I love that you talk about a peaceful home. Can you help us have a more peaceful home? What other tips do you have?

I— consistency, consistency, consistency. And when you can, kind of going into consistency, is getting the kids involved. So, hey, what are some things, what are some boundaries, what are some rules that we can set as a family that we can have and hold each other accountable for, especially with, with the older kids too, and really making them feel valued, like a part of that environment, and that that's something that they set up, I think is really important piece. So I mean, even with the, you know, younger ones, you can still do that as well. Like everyone can have some kind of a way to get their kids involved in what is okay, being kind, after you eat you can put your dishes in the sink, and, you know, all the praise really catching your kids being good too. So it can be for the smallest thing, just to keep it light. And so you're not always being negative, saying no, no, no, no, no. But, you know, oh, look at you being so quiet today. Thanks for not whining.

I know, right? Thank you so much for being so well behaved. You are so right. And a psychologist said to me, you know, she was mimicking parents saying, do your homework, clean up, pick that up, listen to me, come back here. And she just went through a bunch of stuff that we say all day, and she's like, if someone was barking all of that at you, would you feel good about that person?

Right, exactly, exactly. So it's— yeah, there's so many different little things that go into it, but You know, building, really building that rapport and that connection with your kid. And one of the ways to do that is just catching them being good, because as much as they might need to be reminded to put their dishes away or to finish their homework, they also are doing good things too. And so why not, you know, praise them for that and remind them that those are— that's what we're looking for.

100%. Totally agree. Which brings me to communicating with our kids.

Yes.

So we don't want to bark at them all day, and we want to catch them doing things right. How can we as parents communicate better with our kids? What can we do?

Keep it short and simple.

There it is.

You know, instead of those long directions or kind of going on and on, giving them lectures about what happened, keeping it short, to the point. And then as, as they get older and they have the ability to, to know and to understand why they're doing something or why they're seeing something a certain way, to really engage them in that conversation, but in allowing them to express that feeling safely, but Being able to just keeping it short and simple, you know, especially if you're trying— they did something they're not supposed to, we don't want to go on and on and on about why it was wrong and what could have happened and blah blah blah because they're not listening. So just, this isn't right, like what happened, like tell me from your perspective, like what happened, what happened with that, this is not something we do here.

Yeah, no, you're right, because we go on and on and on and you can see their eyes glazing over.

They just walk away.

Yes, I know. They're like, are you done yet? What is the biggest challenge that you see your clients having right now?

The biggest challenge I see is just keeping the— holding boundaries and feeling finding time for self-care for themselves, especially when you're home working from home, especially, and you have the kid right next to you who's supposed to be in school but it's not, so just being able to find moments and little tiny pockets of self-care, being able to give to yourself so that you're able to then move and hold those healthy boundaries and to set those and be consistent and remember all these other little things that are thrown at you because there's so much information that's just out there in the world. You know, you have reels on Instagram and you have YouTube videos and parenting books and all this, like TikTok, all these things. So just being able to focus, to center in and say, okay, I'm going to take my deep breaths. I know that I need to recenter and I need to find some time for self-care. Have some hot coffee, have some tea, center, and then I can kind of move forward and take time where I need it and feel like that's okay to do.

I think you nailed it because you and I know how important that is, but the amount of women who have told me that they feel guilty— yes, I mean, how do we get them to not feel guilty about self-care?

So hard. We just talk about it all the time. I mean, and, and, you know, I love to give examples of when they can, you know, to not feel bad to spend extra 2 minutes in the bathroom or to shut yourself in your room for, you know, set a timer for 1 minute or put a show on for the kids and just real concrete examples of how you can do that and that it's not a bad thing.

No, and, and I think it makes us such a better mom, and I think that if people realize that it'll make you a better mom, maybe they could feel less guilty.

Right, exactly.

Right. Well, it's been like 2 years of this pandemic. Oh my gosh. So how have you seen this affect kids and parents? Like, what are you seeing with people from this pandemic? So much.

Yeah, I was gonna say, it's really— I feel like two sides and two families getting to spend extra time together, and that's beautiful and that's great, that may have not had that time. But then parents like super stressed out and not sure what to do because they can't go maybe to the gym where they normally would get self-care. So they are feeling stuck. Families are feeling more torn apart. So it's kind of feel like there's two groups, and a lot of times they're enmeshed as well. Like, I really love spending time with my family, But I need a break. But—

oh, I know, it's so true, it's so true. There's so many challenges to it, but there's some benefits too, and I think that we forget that.

Right, right, right.

Yes, I do like the extra time together. Yeah, um, they were home from school for a long time and we had a lot Yeah, we had an extra—

she's in kindergarten, so this is— she had 6 months, like 6— she was in preschool for like 6 months and then didn't— wasn't in anything, and then started for like a year and then started kindergarten. Um, but winter break went like an extra week, and then it was virtual for a week.

I know, she's kindergarten, we're not Poor thing in kindergarten. Oh my goodness. I will tell you that I think it's really taught parents and children and teachers to be more flexible because we don't really have a choice.

Absolutely.

Absolutely. What do you like best about what you do?

What do I like best?

Yes.

Um, just building that connection and being that support for those moms and those families that need it, you know. And being able to build— part of our program, we have a community support where to help moms build each other up as well and to connect with one another, because that's so important, especially now, to find a good group, a positive group of women who are going through similar struggles and being able to help each other out, even though it's online. Not face-to-face, so it's still not the same, but it's definitely a huge help. And just being able to be that kind of one-stop shop so parents don't have to be so spread thin. I mean, I think I have like 5 parenting books that, you know, I'm guilty, like you read a chapter in and then you set it down and you're like, got it, I can do this now, and you forget it. Um, so that's kind of where, you know, this all came from as well, is like This needs to be all set in stone and one place that people can go to and they come together and just to build those healthy relationships with their kids and to have happier, more peaceful homes.

It's so, it's so needed. It's so nice that you're doing this. What would you say your own biggest challenge is right now?

Um, for me, I think one of the things I constantly have to remind myself is the balance. So even though I talk about it and I talk about— go through strategies and I have tips and tools, it's still one of the things that's hard to manage is that balance. And I think just as a, as a mom, it's just something that you kind of always daily are going to be dealing with. Like, my laundry— I don't— I'm not great at laundry. I don't— I'm not great at meal prep. I don't— I don't meal prep. It's like a day-of kind of thing. So being able to prioritize and task and, you know, what's more important at what time, um, working, family life, like the kids— are they gonna go on a hike today, or are we gonna do some cooking.

I know, it's, it's a daily action step, right?

Everything is. It's a day-to-day thing.

Totally. What do you think the best advice is that you've ever gotten?

Best advice that I've ever gotten— get outside.

Yes, yes, even in the snow.

My parents are in Wisconsin. I grew up in Minnesota, so they're, they're, you know, winter lovers, as you have to be, which I appreciate so much because I could never do it. But, you know, they're, they're always like, just get outside. I know you're having a hard time, but just go out. Go outside.

So everyone listening, go get outside.

Go outside when you're done listening. 5, 10 minutes.

Free. Agree. And you know, my favorite thing to do is take a walk and listen to a podcast. So maybe people are listening to us while they're walking. So I have to ask, how did you end up in Hawaii? I—

we were actually all over. We were actually in North Carolina before here, and I was offered a job out here working in a clinic with a nonprofit and decided to take it. So my husband grew up in Los Angeles, so he's into surfing, as you can tell. Surfboards. And I'll— you know, I always enjoyed like the warmer weather and the beach. Beaches. And so we're like, well, let's, let's do it. That'll be a fun adventure for like a year or two. Um, but it's been almost 3 years, so we are still here and we don't have any plans right now to, to moving back. But, um, yeah, so after the pandemic hit, I worked for that nonprofit about 6 months and then they cut the role, so It's a fabulous— we're here and now we're, you know, gonna enjoy it and enjoy being— not having anything holding us down, really.

Um, yeah, that's awesome. I love that you live there. It's very cool. What else do you want to share that I didn't think to ask you?

Just that I just want everyone to under— like, just give yourself grace. Everyone listening just needs to give themselves grace during this time and understand it's hard, and it's hard on everyone. No parent is perfect. We're all going through things. We're all— we all have our things. So just give yourself grace and you, you can do this. You know, you have— find your support, find your people.

Such good advice. Um, tell everyone, um, about your free resources and your free group. Tell everyone where to find you.

Yes, you can find me, the thing, um, you can find me at— I have a 18, a guide of 18 ways to help set healthy boundaries, and you can find that over at alohaparentcoach.com/f/healthyboundaries. And then on Facebook over at Aloha Parent Coach, I have a group over there, so if you find the page, I can invite you into the group. It's a private group, um, but I think if you have that linked down below in the guide as well, that would be great. Um, and I go live there once a week, so we do Q&As. It's a free Facebook group, so you're welcome to come in with any kind of questions, and there are some additional resources there as well on taming tantrums and increasing your patience.

We all need that. Yeah, we all need more patience. Well, it has been so nice talking to you today.

You as well. Thank you so much for having me. This has been great.

Thank you for your time. I know how busy you are.

Yeah, of course.

Rebecca Green reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

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