The Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene Episode 066 Bring Happy to Your Parenting

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Green.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Green. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Green for the Whiny Palooza podcast, and I am so excited because I have Lauren Aster on today. Hi, Lauren.

Hi there.

Thank you so much for being here with me today.

Thank you for having me. It's wonderful to be here.

Lauren holds a master's degree from Columbia University's Teacher College and has been a certified option process mentor counselor since 2000. She has counseled hundreds of individuals couples, parents, and folks of all ages from around the world with many different situations and concerns. She has seen people drop issues that have been a source of misery for many years. She has seen people come to peace with profound life changes. You have the most important job on the planet. Your children are the future of the world, and you are your child's greatest teacher. Plain and simple, your child is learning how to live from you. For this reason, she founded Happy Parent, Happy Child in 2005 to work extensively with parents. She designed and facilitated many workshops, classes, and retreats to help parents like you bring happy back to your parenting and your relationship with your children. With over 30 years of experience as a teacher, facilitator, parenting specialist, and certified mentor counselor coach, as well as decades as a mother, single mother, stepmother, godmother, and grandmother, she has had the opportunity to help and support hundreds of parents. Well, wow to all of that. That is amazing stuff.

Thank you, thank you. It's so good to be here to talk to you.

I'm excited to talk to you, and I want to start Bac, I like to start with what inspired you to become a Parent Support Coach?

I have children and grandchildren, and I have a very strong feeling about how to interact, especially with the little ones, but with, with all children and with all humans, whether they're only, you know, little people or bigger people. So, um, my, my— I, I was, I was not raised in the happiest of environments and the, the easiest of communication and connection. And I was pretty young parent, so I was really still connected to feeling like a child of a parent, and I knew I wanted to do things differently. Yeah, and that's what I set out to do, and, um, I did.

Well, that is inspiring. I have been taught, you know, through my training that we either copy our parents or we react against our parents, right?

Right, exactly.

Well, I'm so happy that you went a happier route.

Yes, me too, me too.

So you talk about parents being more happy, calm, and peaceful. That just sounds so wonderful. Can you give us a couple pointers so that we can achieve more of that in our households?

You know, I think the most important thing the relationship that we have with our children. So if we are concerned about something with our children, how we're going to approach them is really important. That starts here because, like you mentioned, we are their first teachers. And what they learn from us, they will have learned for the rest of their lives. So, if we yell at them because we don't like what's going on, they're learning that. They're learning to yell when things aren't going their way. They're learning to get angry or to puff themselves up in anger to be more powerful. And so, It's always— there's always a moment that we can take, take a deep breath and think about what's the most important thing here.

I like that.

And so that moment of pause, many people talk about the pause. Yes. You know, and that pause, it takes practice. And that pause comes from what we're thinking. If we can take that moment to think this, you know, they're doing the best they can here. These little people are doing the best they can, or these teenage people are doing the best they can and rolling their eyes and using words we're not liking. But to set up the relationship and the communication and the connection rather, because that's going to teach them more than yelling, than judging, than criticizing. Um, and, and, and it will keep the communication between parent and child open for sure.

Yes. That pause, it takes so much practice. I'm still trying to practice that pause.

Oh, and it's a lifelong journey. Yes, this is a lifelong journey.

Good point.

And it's not like, oh, I didn't figure it out yet, there must be something wrong with me. It's like, oh, here I yelled at my kids again, you know. It's like, is that what you want? Maybe not. No.

So, which is probably the answer to my next question.

Oh, okay.

What do you think is a mistake that most parents are making?

Mistake. I think that they think that they can control their children and that they should be able to control their children. So the should be able— I should be able to control them. And you have— if you get a kid who doesn't want to be controlled, yeah, you're going to be in some power struggle. Yes. And how do you step out? So if you think you should be able to control them and they should listen to you— should is a powerhouse word. Yeah. You know, so if you should, they should listen to you and you get bigger and bigger to make that happen. They are going to rise up to meet that challenge. And that's— nobody is winning. Nobody's winning when you're in a power struggle. So it is for the adult, even though we have strong inner children inside ourselves, but it is for the adult to step out of the ring. Step out of the fight.

Yes.

It doesn't mean that what they're doing is okay. It doesn't mean that you're saying, "It's fine, darling. Go ahead. Do whatever you want." It means that you're taking a moment to connect with yourself and step out of that fight. And you can always say, "We're going to talk about this later." "I have to go to the bathroom. We'll talk about it later." You know, I just, you know, "I don't know what we're going to do about this." But find your balance within yourself. And you don't have to respond immediately.

That's such good advice. My 8-year-old is the one that I used to get in a lot of power struggles with. She, she's a very strong personality, and she has realized with me to say, I'm in an unresourceful place.

She's like, I'll be back.

Wow, that is so fantastic.

We, we've been—

the two of us have been working so hard because the two of us would just boom, bash heads. And I would, you know, cry and think, this is not working. I have to evaluate this and do better with her. So it's, you know, you know, it's lifelong learning together.

But for her to be able to be that self-aware, yes, that's what we want with our children. Because yeah, they're gonna be in an unresourceful place. They're going to be like, you know, have a lot of big feelings things coming through and they don't know what to do with them. And if they can acknowledge that, that's powerful.

Well, and I remind myself that it's hard for me to regulate myself, so how on earth do I expect her to do it all the time? Exactly right. So we're talking about all of these questions that I have. you know, in terms of communication with our kids. I mean, you've mentioned a lot. Any other tips to have better communication with our children?

Ask questions. Mm.

I'm writing it down.

Instead of telling them how it is or what you think, think or what they should do. Ask questions, sort of open-ended questions, you know. So, well, what did you think when that happened in the playground? Or how do you feel about that? Or what do you think we should do when we both get so upset with each other? How can we, you know, we don't like, we don't want to be upset with each other. If, you know, a classic one is like screens, right? People, kids want to be on the screens.

Yes, they do.

You know, so have a conversation with the child. What do you think we should do? They'll, oh, I think I should be on screens 15 hours a day.

I don't know, you know, that might not be the way to go.

And but let them have some skin in the game. Let them, because children need, they need your attention and they need some control and they don't get that a lot in their lives. And for young children, I really, really encourage people to spend some special playtime their kids. And that's just a time when you just drop everything. You don't have your phone. You don't have your list in your head of the 42 things that you wanted to do today. And you do what they want to do. Play with them.

Oh yeah.

And follow their lead. And I can't tell you how many people have trouble playing with their kids.

Oh, I know, I, I know the lit— and it's, it's almost feeling like maybe you're not good at playing. Like, I see my husband and he's such a natural at playing with them, and I feel like I'm not a natural. Like, I have to tell myself to go do it and 'Put the dishes, you don't need to do the dishes, like just go play a game with them.' And even just say and let them know, 'We're going to have time together, a special time after lunch,' and let them know that's coming. I like that.

And we're gonna have, you know, you can start with 15 minutes. Especially, especially with your 8-year-old. Yes, especially. Yes, the child who needs, like, who needs control and, you know, and attention like that. Um, we're gonna— and then we're gonna do whatever you want. We're gonna make sure there's no knives and no fire, but basically we're gonna control, you know, we're gonna just whatever they want. Oh, you want me to be a purple dragon? I am a purple dragon. And you're going to just play, and you can set a timer so that, you know, when that timer goes off, it's like, oh, wasn't this wonderful? This was so delicious to play with you. I just loved it. I loved it. And now we're going to go out and we're going to go to the store. We're going to do whatever we're going to do next. And they might not love that. They want more and more and more. Hey, yo. Tomorrow we can do it again. Tomorrow we can do it again. And the more comfortable you are, you can extend it and you can make it 5 minutes longer. You're going to find that if you're really present with your child, and that's why I'm saying leave the agendas. The phone. This is not about— it's not about I'm gonna kind of pretend to play with you, or I'm gonna think of— write my shopping list while, you know, while you're doing something. This is about jumping in with full enthusiasm and just like being there and letting your own inner child come out and play. And it's going to end. You don't have to do it forever. That will build a connection, especially with a strong-willed child that you will find. You know, I, I have a video up on, on Facebook about this, that if you want to have, um, if you want to have fewer power struggles build these connections, they will organically be— those power struggles will go away.

So true. And ever— and I feel like in every relationship, if we have a good relationship, it's like people want to do more for you. But, you know, I'm all teary listening to you because, you know, I'm picturing Lily saying to me, you're always so busy.

And I'm like, oh, I can feel, I can feel the emotion.

I have to, have to, because I want to focus more on playing.

Because you want to. Yes. And that's, you know, I have to is like that should.

Yes.

Yes.

And there's a really, really powerful tool that you can use, which is when you catch yourself shoulding on yourself. Oh, I should this and I should that. And it could be about you yourself. It could be about your child, whatever. If you can catch it, when you notice it, you can just change it if you want to, to a could. I could go and play with her now. I like that. And so there's more space. There's not judgment around it. Should has an implication of judgment.

It feels like less pressure.

Mm-hmm.

They could. I like that a lot.

You know, I could do that. My kids— and when you're thinking something like, my kids should listen to me, and then you actually change that to, well, they could listen to me. And that sort of takes the pressure off that, well, how could I get them? How could I support them in wanting to listen to me? Is it because I'm yelling at them and giving them my angry face? Mm, you know, but I could invite them. And like you say, with Lily, she says, I'm not in a resourceful place. So that's so wonderful, you know, to be able to say, you know, and then does she come out and say, I'm feeling better? Mm-hmm.

Yes. And it's always, I'm so sorry. I don't like how I just acted. And she, you know, she feels bad. So, I mean, we've come a long way.

So great. That's so great that she's not being pushed and controlled into, into like something that's not her.

Well, and I started to notice that I felt like I had to control her. I'm the mom, I'm the parent, she needs to listen when I tell her to do something. And I was noticing that she, you know, Max and Ella are so easygoing.

Okay, Mom.

Okay.

And Lily is like, you know, with her face that, you know, used to push my buttons. And now I know, you know, it's just, it's her independent spirit and I want her to have it. I don't want to crush it, you know. And I'm like, okay, these are all teachable moments. This is not about control.

So I have had to use my skills like nobody's business with this little girl.

Yeah. Well, how wonderful. How wonderful. Because you have to go with some children. You have to go a little beyond what you think is the way it should be.

Yeah. Well, and my husband Seth jokes that if I had just had Max and Ella, I wouldn't be able to relate to all these mothers that I talk to. So how would I be able to be super helpful if I wasn't going through it?

Such a good reframe.

Exactly.

Uh, why do you think parents feel guilty when they say no to their children?

I think parents want their children to be happy all the time.

Yes, we do.

If they're not happy, they feel guilty. And you know what? We're not happy all the time.

Yeah, very true.

And that's real. And it's okay for them to not be happy. And for you to acknowledge that. You know, it's like, I know you're not happy about that. And to empathize with that point of view. And I understand that you wanted that cookie or that thing, or you want to go out to that party or whatever it is, but it's not going to happen. And they can be unhappy. We hear so much that if you're feeling uncomfortable in some way, sit with it and let it be. But we want our children to snap out of things really, really fast. You know, they don't want to listen to us. Snap out of that and do it really fast. You know, they're unhappy about what you say. Get that attitude up. You know, what's with this attitude? They can have an attitude. It won't last forever.

It's also true. Patience.

Patience.

Understanding.

But also that part about the guilt that like in some way they have to show you that that they're okay. You know, they're like you said, if we have trouble regulating.

It's so true. Well, and I have said to my children, you know, I know that you don't agree with me, you know, I know that you know my reasons. I'm, you know, I feel bad that you're upset, but I'm doing it for a reason. And I think that I was one of those parents I, I think that I was even made fun of by my friends, you know, for trying to— the people pleaser in us goes from people pleasing during our lives to people pleasing our husband to people pleasing our children. And then the people pleaser realizes that it's not about pleasing them all the time. But that's a hard— it's a hard lesson.

It has a lot to do with, um, what you think. You know, we talk— there's a lot of talk these days about mindset.

Yes.

You know, and I have a little, like, a booklet you can get on my website called Four Big Ideas, which talks about these things and talks about the special playtime and stuff. But the biggest part of that is what you think matters. Yes. And if you're thinking that it's bad for my children to be unhappy and I should have done— should, there it is— I should have done what they wanted in some way, you know, you're gonna make mistakes. They're certainly going to do that. And how you teach them to work within that is such a wonderful opportunity.

Absolutely. Well, you have experience as a single mother, you have experience as a stepmother. Can you give a single mother a little bit of your advice and a stepmother a little bit of your advice? I know you've walked both walks.

Well, I was a single mom from just almost the beginning. And I was actually very glad to be a single mom. Oh boy! You know, I had my perspective. It was very strong, and that's the way it was. Yeah. You know, and my relationship with my daughter to this day, we are super close, super duper close. And it was just, I didn't feel any, I didn't really feel guilt and about like her father's not in the picture because he wasn't in the picture. And it was just the way we were. You know, I hear from parents who are splitting up or people who are, have have a partner who, you know, isn't working out, that they feel terrible about their— that their child is going to grow up without knowing their father. Just the way some families are.

That's really true.

You know, so, and for a stepparent, that's such an interesting thing because there's no role model for what a stepparent is. You know, we all know what a mother is. You know what a father is. But what's a stepmother? Is it the evil stepmother, the wicked stepmother from fairy tales? You know, is it— you're— some, some, some stepmothers are like really close and some stepmothers are, are not. And I had stepparents and I felt like I I've got a mother, thank you, and I don't really want two of them. You know, how many mothers, you know, how many of these do I need?

One is enough.

And so you really have to, not have to, you really can follow the child and look to build a relationship. But know that that child has a parent, has a mother, and that's okay, you know. And when they're in your home, you might take more of a little back seat, especially if the biological parent is involved in everyday, because that's the way they're going to be raised. And basically, I have a mantra that I encourage people to pick up, which is, we are all doing the very best we can with what we know and what we believe at this time. That doesn't mean we're not— we can't, you know, we're perfect, and it doesn't mean we can't get more close and more yummy with each other. But right now, we're doing the very best we can. And judging ourselves is actually— most of us judge ourselves so that we motivate ourselves to do something different. You know, if you think about it like Like dieting is a good one, you know, like, well, I really should, I should be on a diet and I shouldn't eat those cookies. And I ate a cookie and I feel, and I'm judging myself so hard that I eat the bag. Because, oh well.

Such a good example.

And I've done that. So judging yourself does not actually help change happen. Being gentle, being loving, being kind to yourself, doing things— what you said earlier, I'm going to do that because I want to. I'm going to play with her more. Not because I should, but because I want to. And then you come from moving toward what you want. That's a whole different experience than pushing against this bad thing that I do, and I don't want anybody to know, and I feel like an imposter parent or something. I just want to make change because I want to, and to notice small changes as they're being made, whether it's from you or from your child. Notice tiny little changes, and tiny little changes, we're going to get you there. They're not going to happen now.

All true. All very, very true.

You are a grandparent.

Yes.

And so I'm looking for some advice for all of us parents listening. You know, my mother had said to me once that a grandparent is an extension of the parents. Okay, so, you know, my husband and I were just talking about this. It's like they parent your children and there is an acceptance and a respect for them, and there's also a— maybe they cross boundaries sometimes. And I'm just thinking of a particular example from this past weekend that upset me. So how do you feel about being a grandparent and how to relate to your grandchildren in the parenting role, I guess, is what I'm asking. Does that make sense?

So, kind of word what's going through my head right now.

I see grandparents as like the lifeguards. The parents are in the water with the kids and the grandparents are either the— they're further away. They might be in the fire tower even. They're there to support and to love And I always felt from my grandparents, you know, real unconditional love.

Yes.

And that's what I— I'm older, you know, things change as you get older. Things are not as urgent and terrible and and this has to change right now. But I'm not sure I'm addressing the kind of example that you were talking about where a grandparent crosses a line and like gives them all the candy they want, or is that what you're referring to?

You know, it's kind of like what is a grandparent's role with the grandchildren?

And I have really tried to respect them as very wise, wonderful— I mean, we have, we have 6 grandparents in town. Wonderful. So I, I look at them as wise and experienced, and of course they're gonna parent in quotes, but I think there's boundaries. And I think that I'm not a grandma yet, so I don't really know exactly how I'm going to feel about the boundaries that I'm thinking right now as a mom.

Are you saying that they parent when you're there?

I, yes. And give advice that maybe I don't agree with. That has happened.

In the moment, in front of the children?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah.

Or behind my back.

Uh-huh. So, you know, I think that you could, as the parent, the parent could say something to the grandparent from a very loving place. And again, it comes back to the relationship is really important. And keeping the communication open. So to find that place in yourself where— and it can be challenging because grandparents can be very judgmental. Why are you doing that? You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't do it that way. You should tell them right now they have to go and listen to you. And I've worked with a lot of parents of children with autism. Mm-hmm. And to help them be very loving and accepting of their children where they are at. And sometimes the grandparents have trouble sometimes seeing that, you know, especially with kids with autism who are maybe have little quirky things that they do or, you know, whatever it is. And to just to meet a child where they are, even if they're doing something that you don't like, you know, and a kid on the spectrum, they're doing it to take care of themselves. And so you want to help a grandparent understand that loving first, because if the child feels And this is with all children. If the child feels safe and loved, again, they will bring themselves in a different way to the relationship. And if they do that, then they're coming from their own inner being instead of being told what they have to do and they're behaving out of fear. And just to briefly go back, you know, if a kid is on the spectrum and the more relaxed they are, the more they can take in what's around them and you can work with them. Yes. They can, you know, they don't have to like be protecting themselves from all of this stimulus.

I listened to a psychologist who said that. Can we imagine if every time someone walked into the room they were like, clean that up, put that away, did you do your homework?

Like, think about how we would feel if someone was always coming at us, right? That would not make us happy.

Exactly, exactly, right? And if we would— if we just— if we talk to our children the way we want to be talked to, You know?

Yes.

You know, it's— there's a wonderful Dar Williams song where she's singing to her child. And she says, when they ask how far love goes, when my job's done, you'll be the one who knows.

Oh, that's beautiful.

And I love that.

Well, you are full of so much goodness. And I knew I was going to love, love talking to you. Can you please tell everyone about the programs that you offer and where they can go and find you?

So my website is happyparanthappychild.com, and that's a lot of words, so you could also go to laurenaster.com. Um, and at the bottom of my very first page, you can get, uh, my free report, which is about, you know, there's 4 big ideas and what ways to that will really make a difference how you interact with your child. So that's there. I'm also a Happy Parent Happy Child on Facebook, and anything that's going on will be showing up there on those two places.

Well, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to be with me today. I really appreciate it.

And this was so much fun. Thank you so much for having me.

Thank you. This is Rebecca Green reminding everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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