Trying to teach Lillie

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Ella Bella, no need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday! Have some wine and join us on Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family!

Ciao ciao chicken! Good job, Ella Bella! So Lily really wanted to singing, but she— and she had a lot to say, and I was really excited, and then she totally crashed and went to bed. So I think that the problem with having these 9:00 vlogs is that a lot of times Ella and Lily are fading, and Mommy—

I was going to say, you're ready for bed.

I'm ready for bed. I think that I have not adjusted to the time change, and I know that Seth is going to make Oh my word. Don't make fun of me, it's true. It's a man's mirror. So I would say that none of us have adjusted to the time change. I would like to—

I don't believe in time change.

I also didn't know Governor Cuomo was going to go live right now.

Yeah, don't watch the depressing press conference, watch inspiring whiny palooza and learn something that is not a color.

So maybe— Oh, I actually— So I wonder if I should have waited until he was done to go live.

He's going till 10 o'clock, woman.

Okay. People are showing up. Speak about it tomorrow. So, well, Maria doesn't live in New York, so Maria's not watching. Hi, Maria. Hi, Molly. Okay, everybody's not watching Governor Cuomo. What is Governor Cuomo saying now? We've had enough of Governor Cuomo.

It was already— I don't know, he's confirming that we're still— we're orange with yellow highlights.

Okay, so for those of you who do not know, who do not live here, we have moved from the color yellow to the color orange.

I like purple myself.

And so what that means is that starting— you know I'm trying to talk. That's the point. Starting on Monday, my children are back to remote.

No school for you.

Which really stinks because they are seeing that the schools are not, um, transmitting the disease. Thank you, I was missing the word. The schools are not transmitting the virus, so I don't know what the problem is.

For doing it other places.

I want to show you this before we talk about my topic. This is One Fun Splat's Naturally Fun Hand Soap that they mailed to me, and it's really cute, and your kids are gonna love it. We all want to wash our hands right now, so this is perfect timing.

We have to wash our hands.

Can they see? I don't know if they're gonna see, but there's bubbles.

They're bubbles.

Okay, they're bubbles of soap. So I'm gonna give this to my kids after I show you, and they're gonna take a bubble, and I'm not gonna take it, but and they're gonna put it in their hands and splatter it in the sink.

Don't worry, it doesn't make a mess.

And then the soap comes out, and then they wash their hands for 20 seconds, and it makes it more fun.

It's more fun soap.

So go to— wait, what is it? onefun.com and get yourself some Splats soap for your kids to have fun washing their hands. Wash your hands a lot so that we can go back to school.

Yes.

And now all the activities are going to get canceled too, but Listen, I'm getting through my auditions for the show. That's good. So the good news is that theater is giving them one more day to come in person so that Ella can do her audition in person.

And some of the other people too. It's not just for Ella.

Well, yeah. The bad news is that everything seems to be closing again.

Boo.

I'm not liking this at all. So my friend's gym is closing on Friday. My friend's hair salon is closing on Friday. School is closing and starting Monday my kids are remote. And here we are again. Do you feel like you're having like a negative déjà vu?

I want to have déjà vu and amnesia at the same time. I think I forgot this before.

How does that work?

I'm here all week, people.

I didn't think that was funny, but let's talk about the topic. So our topic this week is trying to teach Lily, and I'm really sad that Lily isn't here because we just had an awesome talk, her and I, and we were gonna share stuff that we learned, and we were gonna talk, and we were— I know, I'll look and see what it is. Lily was gonna share some thoughts, and we were gonna talk together, and then she just completely crashed and went to sleep, and I apologize for that.

It's kind of conditions, I tell you.

It's kind of late, and I said to her, uh, it's 9 o'clock, you gotta go live. And she was like, I'm so tired. So it has not been going so well, and I'm going to talk about this, but it's changing again. So the change actually may— we— I am hopeful that this change in our routine can maybe actually be positive for Lily and I. Ella, I know that you're not so happy, and we will talk about that too, but for now, Lily has been home on, um, well, today's Wednesday. She had Zooms with her teacher, and then Thursday and Friday she does independent work with me.

It's not independent.

It's not independent. Like, it's not independent at all. I wonder if any of those are actually independent. Well, so I was thinking about that, Ella, and I think that Every child is different, and I think that if you or Max were in 3rd grade right now and you had this list to do, I'm not saying that you or Max couldn't get through the list on your own, and that's not saying anything negative about Lily. Everybody's different. Everybody learns differently. Everybody learns at different speeds, and Lily wants to do it so badly by herself, and she wants to be independent so bad, and she wants control. And she says to me on Thursday, It's like 10, 11 o'clock in the morning, and I was like, okay, time to get to work, let's get through the list. And she picks up her Chromebook. Oh God. And she looks at me and she says, go away, I will do this by myself. And she storms up the stairs with her Chromebook to go watch her video by herself, which is prolonging the agony. It's just prolonging our day. So I was like, take deep breaths, because she was so sassy, you know. So I was already like red, and I was like, just take deep breaths, she just wants to be independent. And then she comes downstairs to do her worksheets, and she looks at me with her sweet voice, and she's like, I need your help.

Tough crowd, I tell you.

So, so then I watched the video, and then she makes the whole thing longer, and then we do the worksheets together. And Maria says Georgia is back in red, but everything is pretty much still open. So Maria, I wonder if your colors are different than ours because I like stripes versus plaids. Maybe I think everything's starting to close. So anyways, so the, the whole dance continues throughout the day of Lily wanting to do it by herself and her not being able to do it by herself, and then her getting mad, and then her— and then she takes her anger out on me, and then I try hard to be patient, and then I can only be patient for so long, and then I start seeing red, and then I start taking deep breaths, and then I tell her to go to her room because we need a break, and then Max scoops her up and takes her upstairs to her room because she's totally not listening. He also proceeded to tell her that morning that she needed to learn some coping skills to handle her anger and that she needed to realize that her mother was just trying to help her. So it's a good kid. He's such a good big brother. He's such a good son. And oh, I needed to talk to you.

Oh, you need to talk to me. Is this about a video game?

Okay, you can wait. You can wait. I thought I was embarrassing him. I thought he was gonna yell at me. So Max carries her upstairs. She calms down. She comes back downstairs. I say, are you ready? To work? Are you ready to get to work? And she says, I don't want your help. So my point is, Lily and I have this negative dance going all day. She does not want me to help her. She wants to be independent. She wants to do it herself. She's very stubborn, and she's very frustrated that she can't do it by herself. So, we had a talk tonight, and at some point today she turned to me and she said, "It's really hard being the youngest child." And it just came out of the blue, and it was like me trying to get out the door. So unfortunately, when I'm trying to get out the door, I can't like pause and have like a long deep conversation. So I did say to her tonight like, you said it was hard to be the youngest. Can you tell me more about that? And she's, you know, Max and Ella are so smart and so capable and get such good grades and are good at so many things. And Seth is putting eye drops in his eyes. So, so I think that, I think that a lot of it is her confidence and her being hard on herself And I think that, you know, I talked to my mother tonight, I talked to Lily tonight, I'm getting multiple perspectives. I'm trying to get a handle on the situation because I don't like how it's going. And I talked to my husband.

You did talk to me.

Do you remember this conversation?

Which one?

The one where I was like, this is how it's going with Lily and I need your help and blah blah blah blah blah.

Yes, yes, I thought it was last night but it's all blurred together.

Do you have anything to say about that or would you like me to tell You haven't stopped, so your turn.

Always my turn to talk. Go ahead. I think that there is a significant— but in, in addition to the dance that you two are doing, there is the mother-daughter dynamic, and there is the Lily phase of relentlessly wanting to be independent at the same time that she's mad that she can't be, and you get the brunt of that. So I think there's all that baggage that is interfering with the situation and making it worse. And I think you had some excellent thoughts about using supports. For example, you had— I— so we're gonna see how that plays out with other ways of doing things that maybe give Lily the illusion that she is in more control than she really is.

You had good suggestions. Can you tell them what your— 'cause Seth's mind works differently than mine, so I wanted to tap into his sales brain. Because I want to sell the work to Lily and I want her to want to do it. So I said to Seth, help me with this, help me with your sales expertise and give me some pointers. So tell them some of your awesome ideas.

Ah, well, thank you. So I thought that if she had choices to make, hey, do you want to do math or English? Okay, you're doing math. Do you want to do worksheets or IXL? And let her pick things. And just, it's a magician's choice. Both options are the ones we want, but it gives her the illusion that she's picking something, so then she feels like she's in more control. I think you had an excellent point about better rewards and consequences. I have some ideas I'm gonna try tomorrow about, hey, if you get this done, then we can do this, and then kind of bribing along the way with fun stuff that you could have done anyway, but we're using as an incentive to accomplish something. I think there's— I'm gonna try some ways to play it tomorrow and see if that also helps make a difference.

I was so desperate on Thursday. I was like in tears on the couch, 'cause she was in just, she was just relentless. And I called Seth, and I was like, I never call Seth at work for parenting.

Right.

And I called Seth and I was like, you have to talk to It's going off the side of your head. Okay, you have to talk to your daughter because— can you stop? I'm happy with where I am. I'm trying to get you on camera. I'm on camera, they see me. So I had Seth talk to Lily and I had Seth talk to me and it calmed both of us down. And she listens to Seth, and I think that Seth has this firmness that she just listens to.

Well, you're also— she knows she can push your buttons, right?

But I push you around. I, I do think that she pushes me around, and I do think my sternness does not affect her, right?

Well, she knows I don't put up with any crap, so that helps me.

So, um, I'm not home all day, so I'm not as reactive as you might be, but we'll see how long I last tomorrow before I call you a picture day I'm not gonna take long, and then I'll be home to help you. I'm gonna run away tomorrow to school. I'm actually allowed to go to school tomorrow, and I'm gonna help them with picture retake day, and I'm going to take a break, and I'm gonna let Seth start with her and see how that goes. I think that I am not using my supports, and I realized that Thursday when I was just like in tears. I'm not using Seth. I'm not talking to him enough about it. I'm not having him back me up enough. I'm not talking to my mother. My mother had wonderful insights tonight. She was telling me how the control is like her illusion to feel better about herself. And she— I'll have you read the text messages. She had some really good things to say. I'm not talking to my supports enough. I'm not talking to my friends enough. And people have excellent suggestions. So I, I would say that if you are stuck in a dance with your children or your spouse that is upsetting you, it's hard to see when you're like enmeshed in it. Like, it's hard to be objective. So as much as I can try to dissect it and try to analyze it and try to do better— and what are you smiling at?

Nothing.

What did I do?

You didn't do anything. Sorry.

Later, if I, um, get outside observers to tell me information and give me their perspective, it shines a light on things that I didn't see.

It's hard to be objective.

I didn't see the fact that her wanting the control was her feeling bad about herself and finding something to give her some sense of confidence. And I think that the more that she struggles with the work, the more angry she gets and the more she takes it out on me. So I think that I have really thought about what is going on with my daughter because I want to teach her and I want it to be an enjoyable experience. And I think that's why I'm so sad. Like, I'm home, I'm home for her to help her, and she's not letting me help her. And, and she's making it unenjoyable. She's exhausting me and I'm in tears a lot. And I'm angry a lot. So I think that I have a better sense that she is feeling down on herself. She's feeling down on herself when she struggles, and she's feeling down on herself when she feels like she has no power in the day. So I think we're going to design a schedule together that actually may change next week, right? If she's on Zooms all day every day, then I'm not teaching her anymore. So we have to see what it looks like next week.

No, you're just the Zoom police, right?

But if I'm teaching her, I'm gonna find a better way because it's not going well, right? And I am going to work so hard to be sweet and patient. I think she hates that I'm rushing her all the time. Like, I'm the type of person— I'm a Type A personality, and I want to get from A to Z. So, so like, if she has a list of 10 things to get done if she has a list of 10 things to get done, then I'm like, boom, boom, boom, let's pound it out and get done. And why am I rushing? Where am I rushing to?

You yell at me with that all the time, right?

But I'm rushing her because Lily is going at a much slower pace, and she's not, um, enjoying feeling rushed, and she's not enjoying when she's starting to feel me get angry at her if she's getting angry, so I'm making it worse. If she's getting angry, I need to defuse the situation and not get angry with her. And if she's getting down on herself, I need to be her cheerleader. And I just want this so badly to go differently, right?

Yes.

And Ella, you're sitting there so patiently. Are you just taking this all in? Yeah. Do you have anything that you would like to say to help me or tell me more about Lily? Without saying that she is a brat or something.

She, uh, I was just sitting here to tell the outsider's perspective of your guys' dance.

That would be great.

Yeah, you can, you can throw me under the bus. I try, you know that I try.

So I have to sit on Zooms all day, so I was just sitting just hearing them fighting about schoolwork in the background, trying to pay attention and do the work that I needed to do, but I couldn't focus because they were fighting.

I'm so sorry. And Max was taking a math test. He decided to sprawl out in the kitchen for some reason. And I was at the dining table, so, so Lily's— so Ella's at the dining room, Lily and I are at the island, and Max is at the kitchen table. And I'm like, Lily, Max is taking a test, like, we have to be quiet. And then she gets more mad at me, and Max is like, Lily, she's literally just trying to help you, like, be nice to your mother. And I'm like, see? I'm like, it's not just me. But I, I think it's coming from a place of insecurity, and I think that the angrier that she gets, I think I'm taking it way too personally.

Can I ask a dumb question?

She's 8. What does she have to be insecure about?

I'm an ignorant guy. I don't know this stuff. I'm honestly asking.

I appreciate the question. She feels very insecure. She, she sees her brother and sister doing their schoolwork, and I think she's very down on herself that she can't do it. She feels like she can't do it, and she feels like she needs all of our help. And, um, Ella, she said she went to you to help her, and you said no the other day. So if you could do your best to try to help her when she needs help— Ella might have been busy, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. Um, she feels super insecure, Seth. She was telling me tonight that— be— you are the youngest. Put yourself in her shoes. How did you feel with your brother? Your brother was right. So like, how can you ask that question when you're the youngest? You're the youngest child. Your brother was a math quiz.

Yeah, yeah, I did not think about it.

So like, right, so you saw him getting phenomenal grades.

Yeah.

And you just kind of were like, well, screw this.

Yep. Right, I'm not even gonna try because I can't compete.

So I think that she, she said it's really hard being their little sister, and I don't think I think about that because I'm the oldest child.

Yes.

So I think that you could relate to her and you could talk to her.

Yes.

But I want to tell you that our day is awesome, siblings. Our days have not been going well at home, and every day I'm optimistic. Friday I woke up and I was like, this is gonna go better, and I'm gonna do a better job, and I'm gonna be sweeter. And she gets so nasty with me, and then I lose my patience. And I think that, um, I reset myself so many times during the day. But I never give up, and I'm just as stubborn as she is. I just get tired faster. So I am going to be as patient and sweet as I can because being stern with her doesn't work. It makes her angry. I am going to talk to her about what she wants her day to look like, and I'm going to have her design the day with me. If we have independent work, that might be going bye-bye. And I am going to, um, remember not to take it personally. And I think that if I can stop taking it personally, I'm going to stop yelling and realize it's not about me, it's about how she's feeling. And I need to boost her up. I need to be her cheerleader. I need to tell her she can do it and that we're going to do it together and that this is great and that this is awesome stuff she's learning. And I think if I get excited about what she's learning, I can make her more excited about what she's learning. And I'm gonna use my supports more, and I'm gonna make my husband do some work with her, and I'm gonna make—

you don't have to make me, I'm happily parenting with you, you know, and I, you know, I haven't—

there's Matt.

I did help make her even though I was tricked.

Well, oh my God, you're gonna go there now?

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

He was not tricked. He was not tricked. It was—

never mind—

a lovely surprise. Yes, and I did not plan it.

Sure you did.

Anyway, we're going to fight about this until the day that I die.

Good times. Keep going.

Oh my goodness, I have so been in this same boat. Mrs. Paulzak understands. So I had, um, somebody tell me— she's one of three— and I had her tell me that her youngest sister, the third sister, is exactly the same way as Lily. So that made me feel better. I think part of it is birth order. I think part of it is temperament. I think part of it is confidence level. But I'm gonna help her, and I'm gonna do a better job, and this is gonna go better tomorrow. And I'm going to stay optimistic, and I'm going to keep evaluating, and I'm going to report back. Yeah, so Oh yeah, this soap is really cool. So this is the soap, Splat Soap. It looks like fun. Go get it for your kids. And, um, good luck parents. All to all the parents who, um, are having their kids go remote on Monday. We can do it. It's gonna be okay. And I know that it stinks, and I'm sorry. And Patty says have her teach you. Ask her for her to show you how to do it.

Yep, that was on my list.

Such a good idea. Keep the ideas coming. I need the ideas. I love that. So thank you so much, and, um, feel free to tell us any topics. And my podcast this Friday is actually Seth interviewing me, so that's kind of exciting.

So I hope I learned some stuff I didn't know.

Did you?

About this wonderful lady over here.

I hope you will listen. I hope you will subscribe.

iTunes, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeartRadio, TuneIn, and YouTube.

Okay, Ella, bring us out, baby.

Thank you for watching Wine and Blues Wednesday with the Green Family.

Cha-cha chicken! Thanks for watching, everyone. Have a great week.