Whinypaluza Familyd Out

It's showtime!

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday, everybody! Ella, bring us on in.

No need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday! Have some wine and join us on Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family!

Clap, clap, dig in!

Good job, Lily. Good job, Ella. Okay, let me move this. Okay, can we get all three of us is the question. Can we get all three of us in? Do we have to go back? You, you go between us. Okay, hopefully we have us all.

Hi!

Hello everyone, thank you for joining us. Did you get your wine? Are you ready for Winey Palooza Wednesday? Do you want to try it?

I better be the official wine taster.

He would like to be the official wine taster.

So is this a paid position or do I just get wine? Free wine?

He's very happy because he knows that I will pour a glass of wine every Wednesday.

I get one at least once a week.

You can go to the fridge and get wine any night.

I didn't know that.

We have a lot of wine.

I thought it was scheduled, Reese. It has to be a Wednesday or Saturday.

Are any of you watching Little Fires Everywhere? Tell us what you think of that show. That is our current show. Seth and I have read the book. And now we're watching the show together, and tonight we get to watch episode 4 after we talk to all of you.

Yes, don't tell us what happens because it's different than the book.

Don't tell us what happens. My brother's watching. Is my brother feeling famlied out? My brother understands. So the topic this week is I am famlied out.

Should we leave?

Yeah, my— some— I have some of my family here. Lily is sitting in the hallway pouting, not wanting to join us, and Max is upstairs gaming. So you get 3 out of 5 greens.

That's right. Okay, so what's up with family now?

Family now.

I—

it has been over 4 months and we have all been together. 3 of those months Seth was working at home, so we were really all together. And I think that for the most part we have done pretty well with it.

I think that we're still married and I'm still alive.

I think that we're still happily married, right?

Yes, yes. How's your marriage going, honey?

We hope, we hope that— Hi, Karen, thank you for joining. Hi, new friend. Um, what does "and me" mean? What does that mean? So, um, Sunday, family day. So I have days where I feel like my coping skills are going great and my family is doing well and the millions of mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, I do pretty well, okay?

Doesn't drive her totally crazy.

Doesn't drive me totally crazy. I can handle it, the constant interruptions. You guys know what that's like. You all are living my life. All of you moms and dads know the constant mommy, daddy, mommy, daddy. Sunday I was put over the edge and that's where I got inspired to write this blog this week because I was— my coping skills were in the toilet. The treadmill didn't help.

That's where they went.

I flushed them down the toilet.

Don't do that again.

So I wasn't doing very well on Sunday and I think that as I was analyzing it and wondering, okay, what's different today than other days? Well, not only were the kids driving me cuckoo nuts, my husband was—

sorry.

My husband was driving me cuckoo. And I think that I expect the kids to somewhat drive me crazy because they do that every day. And I think that I get used to coping with that and being a mom and balancing like lots of different balls in the air.

Some other person—

Lisa likes my title this week. Lisa who has 4 children.

I always forget the dance.

Lisa, who has 4 children, understands my title this week. So I was like, the reason why I think I just kind of went over the edge of coping to the negative side was because I'm used to the kids, right? But when the husband is driving me crazy and I can't say anything right and we're not getting along and we're both cranky and it's like one little fight after another. Max says we have the stupidest fights ever, which we agree with.

Yep, they're very stupid. I mean, yours are very important and, and completely valid, and mine are stupid.

Okay, okay, so I can't— I, I have more trouble when it's the kids and Seth. Like, Seth usually helps me with the kids. Like, I need—

I made it worse.

I need Seth and I— hi, Robert, tell Max to come down and join me if you're talking to him, Robert. That's why I started walking more. So, so, Nicole, Seth and I take a walk every night together with the dog, with the dog, and I'm doing the treadmill every day by myself.

I'm not on the treadmill with you.

So I do have my treadmill time to myself, so that helps. But I need Seth and I to be on the same side, and I need Seth and I to be working together. And I think when he is also one of the problems, 4 people driving me crazy, then I'm like, oh my God, my family, I need to run away. And I should have. Why didn't I run away? Wow.

Well, we kind of need you.

Okay, you'd have to quarantine when you came back, and then—

okay, but I'm not going to another state. I mean, like Like, two of my friends have the most beautiful ponds, and I find them so relaxing and calming. I could have just run to one of their house and brought my own chair and snuck over to the water and sat by myself. Yes, Lisa relates to this. Thank you, Lisa. So, I, you know, sometimes I am really happy with my blog titles, and sometimes I'm like, this is a good topic, go with it. This time I was like, ah, I'm family'd out. Is that mean? Is that totally terrible to say?

No, it's the truth.

And I feel like when I hesitate, I get the best results. And everybody was responding when I put my blog out and was like, I feel the same way. I feel this. Tons of moms were like, I feel family'd out. Can I run away? It's too much family togetherness. So I want you all to know, all of you moms, who commented today how much I appreciate your comments. You made me feel like I am not alone. You made me feel like we are all in this together and that you all relate. And, um, if you are feeling familied out, if you feel like you've had way too much family togetherness, please, please comment on this and tell me what's helping you. I find that most Most days, you girls know that I've been disappearing to the treadmill every day. Most days that is helping. Some days it's not enough. I think a lot of people, especially mamas, are feeling this way. I have felt guilty feeling this way too. I think that—

That was what Lisa wrote.

Lisa, Lisa just wrote that comment to me, and I think that Lisa and I can relate to the fact that most of you can relate to this. We are so thankful for our beautiful, wonderful families. It's like the family that we always dreamed of. And shouldn't we feel thankful every day?

No! Sorry, was that out loud?

Um, I think I understand when Seth, after 3 months of being home, was like, it's time to go back to work.

It was time for me to go back to the office.

Yes, you were working at home every day.

I was working at home every day, and I needed some psychological separation.

Okay. So what is it like for you now going to work every morning and being away from all of us for like however many hours?

I love you. It makes me feel normal, some semblance of normal. Um, it allows me to reset. It is a vacation temporarily during the day from home and the dad, dad, dad, mom, mom, mom, and, and whatever trauma and drama of our first world problems are occurring in our house. So it has made me feel much better, and it has been very helpful, and I will continue doing it as long as Governor Cuomo lets me.

Right. So you wanted to run back to work because you wanted to be at the office while you were allowed to before anything—

God forbid, in case it shuts down again.

Yes, if anything shuts down, I needed at least a few months. You're getting some time at work with your—

to recharge with my people, with your people, my awesome people.

Um, so the reason why I had Ella join us tonight, and I love when Ella and Lily and Max join us, and they don't always want to, which I totally respect. Okay, I totally respect that they don't always want to be on the show. Um, I had Ella— I had Ella join us because there were a lot of days— it's not just the parents who feel this way, it is also the children who feel this way. There were plenty of days that Ella turned to me and said, "I need space. I need space from my sister. I need space from my family. I need space." Right?

Yes.

And Ella is at theater camp all week. Can you tell everybody if that's helping?

Very much.

Can you talk more about that? Expand on that answer of two words.

So, it's very much just giving me like from mainly one specific person in my family, who I know she's gonna watch this, so I don't want her to get sad, but my sister, who annoys me way more than the rest of my family. I just need that separation away from my sister.

You got her, Gibbons, everybody.

Well, and I think that—

Because we were fighting a lot more when I was home.

I think that you and Lily have done a wonderful job playing together and spending time together. And I think that even though you're saying that you fight, which you do, I think that you guys have had a lot of days where you play together and have fun together.

Yeah, it's on and off.

So my point is that it's not just the parents who are feeling this way. I think sometimes the kids are like, oh my God, I need a break from my mother, or I need a break from my sister. And I think that Ella's coping strategies have mainly been to disappear to your bedroom. Would you agree? No. No?

I do not agree.

Okay.

Can you share some other coping strategies other kids whose parents are watching might help?

Um, well, I have this thing called a Barbie, so I disappear into another room, whatever room my family is not in, and I just play for a few minutes and I just say whatever's on my mind while I walk around in circles. And it makes me feel a lot better.

So I do not listen to these conversations that Ella has had with her Barbie, but I have She has been talking to her Barbie since she was little, and I'm gonna be really sad when she outgrows this because it's adorable. And Ella vents all of her frustrations and stress to the Barbie, and I think that—

Barbie is an excellent listener.

I think that it would be really cool. Because you can't talk back. I have asked Ella to write down what she is venting to Barbie, and she rejected that idea. So I think Ella has found multiple ways to cope. What I have observed as her mother is that she does a lot of singing and dancing, does a lot of time by herself, and does a lot of time disappearing into her bedroom, which my son is also excellent at. So Max tends to disappear to his bedroom. Ella tends to disappear to whatever room in the house she feels like going to to get space. And then my little munchkin Lily, who I love dearly, is like, "Recouping strategy is annoying me!" "What are we doing? Where are we going?" Who are we seeing? When can we leave the house? What is your plan for the day? What can you do with me? I'm bored. Right?

Yes.

So I'm doing my best, people. I'm doing my best. So I would love to hear from you what your coping strategies are. I would love to hear how you're getting a break. I know that some of you get to go to work, and I say that out of respect respect because I know that it's hard to balance, but I also know that you get a break from your family.

Work is much easier job than home.

So for those of you who—

in my opinion.

For those of you— Seth runs to work for his break, he would tell you.

Yes.

So for those of you who are home with your kids or working at home with your kids, I would love to know your coping strategies. I have a hammock outside that I have been disappearing to with my book until they find me. Oh, that's where you're going.

Darn it, you just blew your cover! I just—

Mom! Why did I just— Why?

Why are you giving away your secrets?

Why did I just tell her where I go?

You're not allowed to tell your sister.

I'm not.

Oh my gosh. So I think it's totally normal. I think that we tend to feel bad for feeling this way, but I think that I want to give myself permission and I want to give all of you permission that it's okay to feel familyed out and it's okay to feel like you need a break from everyone including your husband.

That's right.

I have a few of those. What are we doing today? And can you, okay, can you, yes, can you play with me? Little people. Yes, yes. I'm gonna miss it. I remind myself of that. It's not always helpful. Those of you with little kids know that's not always helpful. But I have a 13-year-old who doesn't want to play with me anymore. So I should—

He would play Dungeons and Dragons with you if you would like to join us.

He likes to play Dungeons and Dragons.

So we've got some violent video games you could join us where we kill people. Yeah.

I should really be eating up that Lily still wants to play with me, but it has been over 4 months. I think it is okay for all of us to have days, moments, hours where we are like, how do I escape? How? And it's harder now because where do we go? Like, I used to go to like the nail salon or I used to go like get a pedicure and I'm not doing that stuff right now. I think that I need to plan some mom's nights. I haven't been doing that. Yes, I gotta, I gotta, yes.

Can you say what your comment's replying to? Because people who aren't seeing the comments later might not know what you're saying.

I have, I was replying to somebody laughing at what I'm saying. Somebody, yes. So the other thing that I wanted to say before I close up is I'm hearing moms everywhere I go say that they feel guilty for multiple things. I feel guilty for the decision I'm making about school. I feel guilty for needing a break from my family. I feel guilty, I feel guilty, I feel guilty, I feel guilty. And I want to say to you: you do not have to feel guilty.

You are innocent.

You are innocent. You are a wonderful mother, father, child. It's okay to make a decision that you think is best for your family about school. You do not need anybody else to approve it. Do not look for approval from others. We need to get approval from ourselves, and it's okay to to feel like your coping skills are in the toilet one day. We do not have to be superhuman every moment of the day. Your nails look pretty though. Thank you, Rivki. I, when I was a little girl, I started painting my nails and I absolutely loved painting my nails and I got away from it because I was going to the nail salon and treating myself to manicures. So I am back to enjoying doing my own nails at home. We will always have mom guilt. It's so hard to not feel it, Nicole says. Nicole, what do you tend to feel guilty about? And I think that if I could do one thing for us mothers, and I don't know if fathers, you'll have to speak to fathers, Seth. If I could do one thing, I would take guilt away from mothers and tell them that they do not deserve to feel that way. We do enough, we are enough, we're good enough. Moms are people too. Moms are allowed to have feelings.

Moms' lives matter.

And moms are doing the best that they can every day.

That wasn't the best thing to say.

Yes, when I yell too much. I feel terrible when I yell too, and I, um, my kids will tell you— Ella, do not make fun of me. My kids will tell you that every New Year's Eve I say I'm gonna be calmer this year, and Ella, I think I'm calmer this year.

You're a cucumber baby.

Kind of. I am not perfect and I still yell.

You don't need to be perfect.

My goal every year is to yell less, so I hear you.

What percentage of years are we dropping by just so I know what year on the calendar it's gonna stop altogether? Just curious.

Okay, I will keep— maybe I'll keep it off.

Now she's gonna be family-ed out again.

Okay, so Seth, who's not even on the camera, would like to know increments of me yelling less, but I really do— I'm not measuring it, which a good therapist would be measuring the frequency, duration, intensity.

How long have you felt this way?

So I really should be measuring my yelling, but I do feel— You don't yell that much. I feel like I am yelling much less this year, and I think it's because I've consciously done a goal around it every year, but I should be quantifying it. I'm not doing that. It's an excellent suggestion, and I do think it is normal, Nicole, for us to get annoyed by our children every single day, and I love them dearly, but the, somebody was telling me today that I totally related to this, that she can't even send a text message without her children interrupting her a few times during just a text message. So I hear a lot, "Put your phone down." Lily is like, "Put your phone down." What if I don't want to put my phone down? What if I don't want to give you attention right now? So I think it is normal. Nicole says, yes, I think it is normal for us to get annoyed. I think we are going to miss it, but I think it is also very normal. And I love that my 13-year-old gives me a lot of space and usually just comes to me for food, but I also miss him being little and more fun. And I need to embrace more that Lily wants to spend time with me and play with me and know where we're going and when we're leaving and can we leave now. Okay, so do you have— oh, I wanted to ask you about dads. Do dads feel guilt?

I cannot speak for all dads.

I'm asking you.

I can only speak for myself. I have not done a focus group or talked to anybody about this. Do dads— I'm sure dads feel guilt.

You don't.

I don't. I got nothing. I am so impressed with Seth because Um, did I do something bad that I should feel guilty about?

No, you haven't. But like, if I have to miss anything, if I have to miss a field trip, if I have to miss a class party, if I have to miss, um, a show, if I have to miss a soccer game, I, I shouldn't have those expectations on myself. I'm one person. I can't be everywhere, right? And that was a lesson I had to learn, and I'm still learning that lesson. But Seth Seth will say, I can't, um, go to that show, I'm traveling.

I mean, yeah, I felt bad. I think early before COVID there was a time when I was in Rochester for soccer with Max, and Ella had a theater thing and I couldn't go, and I felt bad that I wasn't there. But there wasn't anything physically I could do to be in two places at once, and I did watch the recording, obviously, which isn't the same, but it was the best I had at the time. And then there have been times that I miss soccer because I was at theater. So, so we can't be everywhere. You just got to do what you can do.

Yeah. Yeah. So we have to do what we can do every day. We have to expect ourselves. We have to have realistic expectations for ourselves. We need to be easier on ourselves. And Lily is screaming that she needs help. So I'm going to go see what's— I got it. Okay.

Here, have your wine.

I'm going to have my wine and Seth is going to go see Why Lily's Screaming Help. And Ella is— I want to thank everybody for watching. I want to thank everybody for making me feel like I'm not alone. And I know that we all sometimes feel familyed out, and I think it's okay. So Ella, close us up, baby.

Thank you for watching Whiny Blues on Wednesday with the Green Family. Cha-cha-chicken!

Bye everyone, see you next week.