Whinypaluza Live: Are You Lonely?

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza! No need to whine, it's Winey Palooza livestream! Have some wine and join us on the Winey Palooza livestream with the Greene family.

Cha-cha chicken!

Oh, that was good. Thank you, thank you so much.

I've been practicing my cha-cha chicken.

I can't believe that you're still awake enough to do that for me. So we are late. It is 10 o'clock. You can go. Um, will you stay close in case I need one of you to sing us out? Okay, Lily, you can sing us out. I'm sorry that we're late. It is Thursday night at 10 o'clock, and my brother and his family are in town, so I was at my parents' house visiting with them, so I just got home. So I apologize for being tardy.

The good news is next week we'll be back to Wednesdays.

I was gonna say that.

Oh, sorry, go ahead.

No, I'm glad that you said that. So the good news is that late night soccer on Wednesdays is over, so we will get back to our regular scheduled program. Yes, we are going back in June to 9 o'clock on Wednesdays, and, um, This week my topic is, are you lonely? And as I've told you before, I need to put my wine down somewhere. I listen to what is going on around me and in my home, and that is where my topics come from, unless somebody makes a special request, which I always welcome. So I want to talk a little bit about loneliness. Which, um, my brother said is a major buzzkill.

Not every topic is a— you gotta learn, right? You gotta grow. This is contributing to that.

So it's been, um, it's been a rough year for loneliness. And I'm thinking about the grandparents who weren't seeing their kids or their grandkids. I'm thinking about the people who were in nursing homes and they weren't allowed to see anyone. I'm thinking about the kids who couldn't find friends to have over. We heard from a lot of parents that they weren't comfortable letting their kids come over. And, you know, in self-reflecting in regards to this topic, I really have dropped the ball for Max and Ella. And I mean, chime in. So Lily and I have done a great job staying in touch with people. I want to give Lily and I the thumbs up. We have done a good job staying connected. Um, every day Lily is like, I want to go to my friend's house, or I'm going to go call my friend, and she's just always about friends.

And on FaceTime or Messenger Kids a lot, I always feel— I sometimes I say there's too many extra people in my house.

Yes, I have to be careful.

Yes, I've been yelled at several times.

Um, like I mean, I'll be in my nightgown and I walk by Lily and I realize that 3 of her friends just saw me in my nightgown. So Lily has done a great job staying connected. I think I have done a great job staying connected. I think I have really dropped the ball in a couple areas that I want to talk about. Area 1 is with Max and Ella and their thumbs down lack of face-to-face time with friends. And in regards to Seth and I, Seth and I have made no family friend dates. We've made no couple dates. It's really been a year of isolation. Thank you.

I think we've had one couple date, the two of us. I took you to Black and Blue.

No, but we haven't had a date with another—

oh, we have not had friend date unplanned.

So I am—

you're the, you're the social secretary.

I'm the social coordinator. So what that means is Seth depends on me to get him friend time. Seth is not that guy out there making making plans to like go do whatever the guys do together. He— I'm a girl, so I don't know, you know, like my brother works out with his friends, which is what Vivian and I were just talking about. Um, you— I mean, you see people, you see people at Krav.

So I do not hang out with them outside of Krav.

And you do see people at work, so it's not like you're not seeing people, but you depend on me to make us like social plans, social interaction. So I have dropped the ball with us as a couple or as a family, and I have dropped the ball with Max and Ella.

Yes.

So those are two areas that I severely need to work on. So I want to start with saying to you to just like check in with your kids. You don't know if they're lonely unless you ask them. Um, ask your husband. I find that I get lonely for different things. So like I might be feeling lonely like I haven't seen Seth. Um, Seth and Max have been gone a lot So sometimes I need to say that, like, I texted Seth and I said I need a lunch date because our kids are only in school until June 20. What is that?

Somebody's clapping. If you could click the StreamYard button so we know who you are so we can shout you out, that'd be even better.

So, um, what was I saying? Um, check in, check in with your kids. Hi, Casey.

Double applause. Thank you, Casey.

I'm gonna get Casey, Paul, Corey, and Vivian on here harassing me in a minute.

He was clapping. That wasn't harassment.

Hi, Casey. So check in with, check in with your kids. I was telling you about loneliness in different areas for me because I want to tell you it applies to different things. So we're going to start with, you know, like your brother. I, okay, I've been feeling— okay, stop. I've been feeling lonely for Seth. So then I text Seth and I say, we need a lunch date. Or I might be feeling lonely like I haven't seen my parents. Hi, baby. Knew they were going to jump on. I might be feeling like I haven't seen my parents. So then I need to make plans with my parents. I might feel like I haven't seen my brother. When are we going there to Virginia? When are they coming here? So what are you feeling lonely for? And fill that void and check in with your spouse, check in with yourself, check in with your kids.

And can I chime in with how you phrase the question? Yes, because if you asked if I was lonely, I would not want to answer yes. I would not want to admit that. I would not want to say that. If you rephrase the question like— and the kids might feel the same way, I don't know— but if you said something like, do you want to— do you need more people time? Do you need to go out more? That I would have answered yes to.

Yes, I love that advice. Ella had said— I just talked to Ella briefly and she had said being back at school 5 days a week gets her more social connection. And I had no idea. So, you know, we went from hybrid to full-time and Ella and Lily are back at school full-time and I didn't know how much they needed it until they did it. And now— hi, Paul. I just left the dining room table talking all of them. Lily was on me going, come on, your life was supposed to be at 9 o'clock. So check in with your kids, give them a scale of, you know, that's—

quantify it. I like it. You can measure numbers.

Well, because they might not know how to answer the question. So on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 is, you know, I am fine, I don't need, I don't need anything else, I'm doing great. And 10 is I need a lot more social interaction. Give me more.

Right, 10 would be frowny face.

10, and you know, or however you want to quantify it, but, but ask the question. And what I got from Ella, which I already knew was her answer, was that she needs more social interaction. And the good news is, it sounds like her and her friend were making plans to get together when— so I have to stay on it. And I want to tell you that you might think that your kids are capable of it and maybe they aren't. Like Max is not a good social coordinator and I am really good at it. So when I do it, when I actually do it, so I need to stay connected to the friends' parents and I need to talk to the parents about like, this is the plan. You know, like the boys are going to go to Buffalo Battleground, you know, I'm going to treat them. We're going to do it this Friday night. Who can come? I'm going to book it. Let's go. So, so in my mind, I'm like, okay, I'm going to take Max and his friends to Buffalo Battleground, and I'm going to treat, and let's do it. And what Friday night can we do it? And let's go. Friday night's just an example, but yes. So we need to make them plans, and we need to realize that sometimes they are not capable of it, and sometimes there are obstacles like a friend who has two different houses and two different sets of parents. So what are the obstacles? What's getting in the way? And help them to make it happen. And I also want you to know, I have said this before in one of my blogs before, but quality time with each person in your house can really help. And it doesn't have to be all day. It can even be 15 minutes coloring at the table with Ella. You know, drawing with her. And that's like—

Lily and I drew pandas.

Yeah. So that—

while we watched a YouTube video.

So that's quality time. So giving them just like the one-on-one quality time for 15 minutes can do like a world of wonders.

It took me longer than that to do a panda.

How long did it—

I'm not the best visual artist.

How long did it take?

I don't know. We paused the video a few times.

So I also think that we can be good role models for enjoying alone time. I want us to help them help ourselves, help our spouses, help our kids get more face-to-face time. But we also can be good role models of enjoying yourself and enjoying alone time. And I find that sometimes I just like— I don't want to see anyone. I want to read my book. I want to watch a movie. I want downtime. And they see me enjoying that, and I'm modeling that for them. Gaming does not count. What?

Uh-oh, Max is in trouble.

Well, so, um, my podcast last week was with Dr. Ziegler, and one of the things that she told me was that when her son has someone come to the door and say, you know, can he come outside, she says, yes, he's coming. And she does not give him a choice. She said he could be perfectly content gaming with his friends, and I'm like, no, no, no, no, when you see a person at your door, you are going outside. So she makes him get off and go out, and I really listened to that because I will just think that Max is okay, he's happy, he's upstairs right now gaming, I hear him, he's happy. So a lot of times I think, oh, he's just happy, but that's not okay. Gaming doesn't count. He needs face-to-face contact. I'm glad he's connecting with his friends. I just feel like I have really failed him this year with the face-to-face contact. Sounds like you agree.

Yeah, absolutely.

So he's home doing remote school. However, he has been playing a ton of soccer, so that has made me feel a little bit better because he's at least seeing his teammates. I mean, he's outside and he's outside and he's off the computer and he's doing something physical and getting some exercise and good for himself. Um, I have heard situations from my children that they did not know how to handle. So for example, um, Lily was super excited, wanted to be partners with someone, and it didn't happen. And an activity— in an activity— and I said, you have to speak up. You have to ask. You have to make things happen. She was on the playground. She asked a little girl to play with her. She said yes. They get to the playground for recess. The little girl sees someone who's been on vacation who she's so excited to see and runs away from Lily to the friend, and Lily is left lonely and sad. And I said, at that point, you go up to the two girls and you say, "Can I play with you?" And she never even thought to do that. She just kind of like accepted it. Yes. And I'm like, you know, just because someone wants to play with someone doesn't mean that the 3 of you or the 4 of you can't play together. So I'm finding that my children don't always know what to say in situations. And I see that my 3 kids do not speak up. And I think that the reason why it pushes my buttons so much is because I was that kid. and it took me until adulthood to be able to speak up. So, I'm like, no, I'm working on this. I don't want them to wait till they're in adulthood to be able to speak up. So, they have to be able to make things happen so that they're not feeling sad and lonely. We talked about role-playing. I want to talk about paying attention. You know, Ella is so easy. She's so easy. She will be here in our house for hours, and you don't even know she's here. I have to pay attention. I have check on her. I have to see if she's okay. She won't tell me that she's lonely. She won't tell me that she needs a friend. You know, every day Lily is like demanding, I want a friend, and Ella doesn't ask for much. So when Ella asks for something, Seth and I jump. And I just think that as parents we need to pay attention. Do you agree with that?

Absolutely, because sometimes they don't advocate for themselves.

Yes, I think it's always great for our kids to have someone to talk to. Not Seth, not me, somebody else. And that could be a good friend, a therapist, a guidance counselor— they're not guidance counselors, no, they're school counselors— school counselors, an aunt, an uncle, a grandparent, somebody who's not mom and dad. I think it's great for us to be there for our kids, but I think they need other people, a coach, someone in their lives. Casey, they can talk to, they can talk to Casey, they can talk to Uncle Corey, they can talk to Aunt Vivian. They need other people in their lives to talk to besides their parents, and that can really be helpful. I told you already that I need to make an effort for family friend time, and we have families that would fulfill a friend for everyone in the family, including Tanner.

So gotta get the dog playdates.

I gotta get the dog playdates too. I mean, it's a good thing our cats have each other.

They don't need any help.

It's a lot of work being a social coordinator. And I'm gonna preface this with, I am not asking for another dog, okay? I'm not asking.

That's good.

I'm not asking for anything. I'm just telling you something.

Yes, I've heard this one before.

So I was taking Tanner for a walk.

Tanner had a friend.

Okay, can I finish? Sorry. I was taking Tanner for a walk and I saw 3 dogs in my friend's backyard and I was like, oh, I didn't know. I knew they had a dog, but I didn't know they had 3. And then I was like, oh man, I feel like such a slacker dog mom. Like, this dog has 2 other friends to play with, dog siblings, and my dog is by himself. The cats need to play with him.

Imaginary mom guilt. It's real, y'all.

Mom guilt needs to be the next topic.

What can I feel guilty about today? I don't have anything, but I'll find something, I'm sure.

And you know what, it was just like an automatic thought. I saw the 3 dogs in the backyard and I was like, oh, those dogs are so lucky that they have dogs.

My reaction would have been like, oh dear God, no thank you, that sounds like a whole lot more work.

We tend to have different reactions to things.

Just a little bit.

Okay, so another fabulous thing to do for loneliness is sign your kids up for an activity. And we are good at that.

You are amazing at that. I am less good at that.

So it's a good—

I'm good at one activity.

It's a great way for them to be connected to peers. It's a great way for them to be with current friends or to make new friends and friends who have similar interests as them. I mean, Ella loves going to theater. I love that she has that. And when she's there, I'm so happy because I know she's connecting with people who love what she loves. So sign them up and, um, just keep a pulse on it. You know, we have so many jobs as parents. There's so many things to think about, and I think that in the day-to-day life of keeping up with school and homework and activities and everything, that what has really fallen by the wayside is social dates for my family, and I think that, um, Lily is the only one who has done an excellent job.

Yeah, she advocates for herself every day, you know, a lot.

Lily is loud, and I think that you—

persistent—

can— yes, you can relate to the fact that you probably maybe have a child who really asks for what he or she wants and gets what he or she wants, and I have to remind myself that there's two other kids who, who need— who don't need what Lily needs, but they do need face-to-face time. So it has been a, a year of more isolation. Hopefully it is improving, but I just wanted to bring up a topic that I have been hearing about and feeling in my own home, and I hope that it gets better. I am going to work on making it better here. I hope that you can make it better for you or your kids if you're experiencing this, and I just want to encourage you to tell someone. If you are listening to this and thinking that you're feeling lonely, tell someone. And don't wait for someone to ask you to do something. Make it happen. Be proactive. Don't be shy. Be the one to make the plans. And I listen to a ton of podcasts and they talk about the fact that if you are feeling something, that other people are feeling it too, and they need you. And you might be the one to maybe start a group or start something that is needed in your community for other mothers, parents just like you. So before you sing us out, tomorrow's Family Friday podcast is about supporting families. Excellent podcast with Emma Lou Penrod. She was such a fascinating woman to talk to. She does hypnosis, and I am slacking because I told her I was going to fill out the form to do it with her, so I am going to get on that too. There's always a lot on my list that I want to get done, so we apologize for being late. It was all my fault. And we want to thank you for joining us, and we will get back to Wednesday nights starting next week. So, Lilybug, thank you for watching Winey Blues on Wednesday with the Greene Family.

Cha-cha chicken!

Thanks everyone.