Whinypaluza Wednesday

We're laughing.

Hello, happy Whiny Palooza Wednesday!

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza Wednesday. Have some wine and join us on Whiny Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family.

Cha-cha chicken!

Before you leave, before you leave, um, I want to tell you that Ella is doing her bat mitzvah lessons at home, and I get to listen on Zoom. And I had no idea how much I was going to love it. It's like a 30-minute concert. And I was in the kitchen cooking, and she was in the dining room singing away, and I loved it. I can't wait for next Wednesday. All right, okay, come, we're gonna need you or Lily at the end. Oh, she's taking everything with her. I'm telling you, she's gonna, um, damage the microphone and everything. So how's everyone doing? How is your October going? Uh, it's flying by, it's almost November already. And Saturday night, if I'm correct, was it Saturday night? Yes. Seth was like, we have to watch Dear Evan Hansen. And I looked it up because Listen before you jump. Okay, I know what you're gonna say.

You don't, but okay.

I had heard about this movie for so long.

Musical.

Musical turned into a movie. I have heard about this musical for so long and have heard songs from it, but had no idea, had never done like a deep dive to learn about the movie. And learned about the movie and then went, I can't watch this. So, um, you said something very brilliant that you did. Yeah, you didn't— I don't know if you actually read the blog. I think you did.

You did make me proof it.

So the blog did go live this morning.

Yep.

I think it was actually more around noon. And Seth said to me on Saturday night, he said, look at it through a social worker lens.

Thank you. Yes, that was brilliant.

And he shifted me because I was in mother mode.

Yes, and she was aching for the characters.

And I had to get— I have had women text me today and say, I can't watch that movie, which I understand, because if I was in mother mode, I think I would have bawled the entire movie. But I put my social worker hat on and I was like, wow, there is so much that we can learn from this movie, whether you're a mom, dad, social worker, teacher. What a movie. Yes, you loved it, right? Yes.

I had also only heard a couple songs, so I did not know the entire plot of the, of the musical. So I, I was surprised by that. That is not what I was expecting, but I'm very glad we watched it.

I was just gonna say, what did you think?

I thought it was really good. It was really well done. Um, the transition to movie versus musical was well done, and I think it is a very compelling Powerful story.

Yes. And I wish our kids would have watched it with us, but they weren't interested and I didn't make them.

No. And Ella's the one who got me into it and got me to want to watch it and then wouldn't watch it because she learned more and said, no, it's going to be too sad.

Ella was like, I'm leaving, this is too sad. And I was like, I'm in it, I'm in it to win it, I want to see what happens. And got very hooked to these characters and We're gonna give you a super brief summary so we can jump into some lessons that we learned.

But spoiler alert—

oh, is that okay? I should have said spoiler alert before people read my blog today. My, my lovely friend texted me and said, I can't— I'm reading your blog, I can't watch that movie. So thank you, friend, for reading. But, um, the main character is Evan. And he is a quirky, sweet kid. His mother is so busy that I—

Seth, you single working mom trying to support them by herself.

Like, Seth, jump in if you disagree with anything that I say, but my impression of his mother— and I can relate to this, so I'm going to explain— um, my impression of his mother is that she was so busy working, yes, that she missed a lot of what was going on with Evan completely. And that, for me as a mom, was like, ding, ding, ding! Do you see how she's clueless as to what's going on with her son. It was obvious to us because we were going along with Evan through the day, but she was so busy trying to keep up with her life and, and trying to make money that she totally did not, um, realize how much he was struggling.

Yes, it was more like, well, just do the exercises your therapist tell you and everything's gonna be fine.

She was like, just go to your therapist. Did you write your letter? Did you take your meds? Because he was writing letters to himself prescribed by his, um, therapist. Therapist. And it was a red flag for me that I want to point out to all of you, that we can easily miss stuff going on with our kids. And I was like, wow, she's missing so much. I'm like, does she know that he sits alone in lunch? Because that would really bother me.

Unless he— so high school, in her defense, she would not know unless he told her or someone else told her. It's not like elementary school where you volunteered and were there all the time and could see stuff, right?

But I say, who do you sit with at lunch?

You do. You ask that question all the time.

I do, because I remember walking into the lunchroom. I was a very insecure teenager, and Seth never would have known that, right?

Faked it very well.

It wasn't that I was faking it. I was genuinely smiling and genuinely happy, but but there was a lot of insecurities, and I would walk into the lunchroom and be like, who am I going to sit with? Where am I going to sit? And I know that feeling well, and I know what it's like to be a teenager. Um, did you walk into the lunchroom and feel any of that?

Uh, remember, I was going to a new school where I knew no one, right? So my attitude was, I'm gonna go meet some people.

Yeah, we, we won't go into that. We had very different attitudes. I like your attitude better, by the way.

Thank you.

So Evan was sitting by himself at lunch, which is a red flag. You want to know who kids sit with at lunch, you want to know who they talk to during the day, who is your favorite friend at school, we'll get into that. And Connor, the other boy, was also struggling, but it was so much more obvious. I mean, his was more blatant. He was like yelling in the hall and punching holes in his walls at home and had already had a previous attempt of suicide, if I remember correctly, and was doing drugs and got sent to rehab. And, and yeah, it was just struggling with so many things. And, um, spoiler— can I say the spoiler? We're going to talk about suicide, so I have to tell you the spoiler. So Evan did— or Connor did commit suicide, and the whole movie kind of is about that. And what struck me, and, you know, Seth, like I said, jump in with your thoughts, but Connor lived in this like beautiful home with parents and a sister and like had the family and had the house and economically they were both so different, but it didn't matter because both boys were struggling inside and both boys didn't have friends. And just so many red flags as a social worker. I was like, they need to work on this with him and they need to work on this with him. So let's talk about warning signs. Let's talk about suicide prevention. And this topic is so hard and so sad and so necessary. And we, we want to look out for our kids, and we have to know what to look out for. And we get so busy in our lives that it's so easy to miss things. And I looked at Ella 2 minutes ago and I sat down with her and I was like, "I've been running around. I haven't sat with her. I haven't talked to her." Yeah, so it's easy to do. So talk to your kids. So anyways, let's get into suicide prevention tips. First and foremost, keep your lines of communication open. And talk to your kids. I just told you, I sat down with Ella and I was like, did I talk to her today? Did I ask her questions today? What I love is that I pick my kids up from school and when I pick my kids up from school, I talk to them and I ask them questions about their day and it's a great opportunity. I have been told, I have been told that the car is one of the best places to talk to your kids because they are facing forward and they're not having to face you, so it's less threatening. So catch them in the car, catch them in a good mood, don't give up, ask questions, lay off, ask more questions, ask specific questions. Who is your favorite friend at school? Who would you like to have over to hang out with? Who do you sit with at lunch? What was the best part of your day? What was the hardest part of your day? What are you struggling with? Ask your kids questions. Seth is so much more engaged in what they're learning, and I love that about him. He inspired me today to say to Ella, you know, I think we were talking about science today or yesterday? Like, what are you learning? Like, I never ask the learning questions.

No, you were always asking the feeling questions. Melissa says, "Ugh, parenting is so hard." I know, but you know what?

You're there for your son, and he knows that you're there for him. And I have no doubt that you are doing your best to keep the lines of communication open. That is my guess with knowing Melissa. Um, I skipped one. Where did it go? Oh, don't hesitate to get your child help. So if you look up the signs of depression and anxiety, if you don't know what they are, look them up. And if you think that your child needs help, don't hesitate. Don't wait months. There's waiting lists. Get them on a waiting list now. Try to find someone who doesn't have a waiting list. Ask someone like me if I know someone, because I bet you I know people who don't have a waiting list.

I Google answers to help him with math.

That is a good mom. Yes, I Google Seth. I literally was just telling my friends that I used to enjoy math, but I don't remember any of it. And thankfully you do. Yes, because I don't.

Yes, I'm use it every day. Not geometry, but other kinds of math.

Normalize human emotions, okay? Normalize that it's okay to be angry. It's okay. Just—

what app is Google Seth?

Um, you know, charge extra for that. I don't know how old your son is. Is he younger than Max? I'm trying to remember. Melissa, I have told numerous people that they can always message Max. Max is really good at math. You can Google Max or Seth.

What are you setting us up for here, honey?

I do, I do offer Max to people. They'll tell me their child is struggling with math, and I was, I will say their child is younger than Max. I will say Max is really good at math. Feel free to call us, and I will put Max on the phone because I can't help. However, we all have all of the feelings. And I remember feeling like heartbroken. A boy broke up with me. I was heartbroken. I thought the world was gonna end. And my mother would say things like, you know, this is normal to feel like this. You're going to feel better. Time will heal you.

Um, yes, 13-year-old coming at you, Max.

Yes.

Uh, Max told him for something.

Max is 14 going on 15 in January, Melissa, and math is his specialty. So don't hesitate to ask us. I will get Max on the phone. So talk to your kids about what you've gone through or how you're feeling. I tell them about how I was feeling in middle school or high school, some of the things that I went through. Tell them that it will pass, it will get easier. You know, tell them when you're feeling things, let them know that it's normal to feel how they're feeling. I think that sometimes kids think something is the end of the world and they don't realize that it's normal to feel that way.

Yeah, everything is bigger than it is. My parents used to tell me I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

Well, like, Lily was telling me something today and I was like, oh my God, you're so dramatic. Yeah, like, why is there always something that you're upset about? And she was like, well, you're the one that I want to talk to about these things.

And then I get it all, baby. It all comes to you. How was your day? Fine, Daddy. How was your day?

Mommy, I gotta tell you something. Well, so then I like I like started to flash to doing this tonight and talking about suicide prevention. And here I am in the car with my daughter going, why is there always drama? I'm telling you to keep the lines of communication.

You don't want to listen.

And I'm like, Lily, I am here for you. We can talk about whatever you want to talk about, but like, seriously, we need to work on less drama. Is this what 9-year-old girls do? Ella didn't do this. Encourage your child to have friends. And what I mean by that is ask them who they want to invite over, ask them what they would like to do with their friends, help them coordinate things. A lot of times I leave it up to them and things don't happen.

Yep, you gotta force to make the plans.

It's kind of like forced family fun. I have fun— I have to force friend time sometimes because Max and Ella love to chill out at home, and I'm happy about that, but we want to encourage them to spend time with friends and good influence friends. And be the house, be the open house. Let the kids come over and be that person for the friends too, because maybe the friends have no one to talk to. Let the friend open up to you.

Or maybe they're more comfortable talking to you than telling their own parents because They're afraid about that.

I feel like a lot of people talked to my mom in the kitchen while she was baking cookies, and they would sit and eat cookies.

So the cookies is a secret therapy engagement strategy.

So I guess you, um, Matt's mom made pizza.

Yes, my best friend's mom made pizza.

My mom made cookies. So we need to start cooking in the kitchen and have the friends eating the food.

Okay, you need to start cooking in the kitchen and having the friends eat the food.

I usually have food, but yes, I could be baking. Okay, um, encourage them to be physically fit. When they are moving, there it creates endorphins, correct? Yeah, I don't know any of the correct lingo, but I do know that it creates happy hormones. Yes. So we want them to be physically fit. We want to encourage them to do things that make them physically fit.

Move your body.

Do it with them. I will happily go out with them and do whatever they want to do. Encourage them to join things. Max just ended his school soccer season. He had a core group of friends to start high school with from the soccer team. Like, that is like a built-in set of friends. So encourage that. We want them to have friends. We want them to be physically fit, and we want to keep all medications and firearms locked up.

I know that includes aspirin and Tylenol. You might not think of it as a medication, but they take too much of it or they use it on purpose. Not a good thing.

When we were going into homes, when I was going into homes at this as a social worker, we would ask, you know, are there any firearms in the house? Are they locked up? Um, do you have your medications in a place that the kids can't get? Like, these are questions to ask yourself. Keep your kids safe. They can get into things, and it's not even just them. Their friends can get into things. So we're not only looking out for our kids, we're looking out for our friends' kids, for our kids' friends.

There you go, we knew what you meant.

Okay, don't shy away from hard topics. This is a hard topic. I have talked about it with my kids. I have told them how precious their life is. We talk about hard things. I'm like, I don't care if it's sex, drugs, rock and roll— I knew you were gonna say that— friends, suicide, whatever the question is, whatever the topic is, whatever you're upset about. Don't shy away from it. Make them see that you are comfortable talking to them about hard topics. You can say, this is a hard topic, but I want to talk to you. Um, Don't freak out when they tell you something. Do not freak out. If you freak out, they don't want to talk to you.

You have to hide that internal freakout.

Uh, I don't— I have told you this before if you watch me or read me, read my blogs. Uh, we have to act. We have to be actors because it's a new skill that I got as a parent because I may want to freak out and inside I am freaking out, but outside I look calm. And that's something I had to gain. And Max will even say to me, I need you to be more casual about things. I'm a very passionate person. It's where Lily gets it, like the intense, intense emotions. Like I feel happy, I feel really happy. I feel sad, I could get really sad. I could get really angry. I could get really surprised. Like I feel excited. Like, I like to feel. I'm a feeling person, and Max is a very chill person, so I have to meet him where he is.

Yes.

And when I go crazy— yes, when you come at him all blah, like, like, he didn't text his friend back tonight. Like, I have to talk to this kid about texting manners. It drives me crazy.

Okay, you're getting to the— you're getting intense again, honey. And there's some of those feelings.

And I was like, you need to text him back. And he was like, relax. Like, those are the things he says to me. Chill out, relax, be cool. I knew you were gonna say that. I can finish.

I'm here all week.

Let's hope I don't pee my pants from you tonight.

Okay. All right. Melissa says, like when a single mom explains the difference between circumcision versus not. Freaking out inside, but think he followed the calm on the outside.

Oh, congratulations! Wow. Yeah, give yourself a pat on the back.

I, I was proud of myself the first time I had one of those— not that talk, but the one of the talks with one of our children— and that person said to me after words. Wow, I know that a lot better than I thought you did— you would. I was really nervous and I've been wanting to talk about it for days, but I was afraid to talk about it. I'm really glad I did because that was way calmer than I thought it was going to go. I thought you're going to freak out. I'm glad you didn't.

Good job, Dad.

Yes.

I also think that sometimes when they say that they need to talk about something really serious, that I get like really like intense inside, and then when they spit out what it is I'm like, oh, phew, this is not a big deal. I thought this was going to be a big deal. But if it is a big deal, we gotta be ready. Don't freak out.

No freaking out.

Act calm.

Yes, you can freak out later with the glasses of wine Melissa suggested.

Um, I don't know, is that— I think— are those party, um, poppers?

No, those look like wine glasses.

I thought those— I don't know what those are, Melissa.

Yeah, it looks like wine glasses.

Are those wine glasses? Those are wine glasses. I don't know, whatever. We need a glass of wine, Melissa. Cheers. Cheers to being a good parent. I'm impressed with you. I would say, Max, go ask your dad. I'm sure he wants to explain that to you.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Oh, please.

When they start talking about their period, you're gonna be like, Rebecca, I know nothing. I know we want that every month. It means we're not having another baby.

Oh my God.

All right, learn to ask Isaac to frame it with, Mom, I need to talk but don't want a response, or Mom, I need to talk but want advice, not your opinion. That is a really good preamble/disclaimer. I like that. You should do that. Seth, I want to talk, I'm just venting, don't reply, or Seth, I actually want your advice or solve my problem.

Well, we have talked about that, and you will ask me in the middle of—

I've learned—

you will ask me, you will say, you will say, are you venting or are you looking for advice? And I have even said that to my friends, because don't you find that sometimes your friends just want to vent to you, and like you have all of this advice brewing in your head, and you're like, don't give them advice, just listen, they don't want your advice. And it's very hard, and I really have to bite my tongue for that. Yes, but it goes with our kids, it goes with our spouses, and it goes with our friends. So, um, listen to your children. Are they saying things that are warning signs or red flags? Um, I wish I just wouldn't wake up in the morning.

I wish I wasn't here.

I wish I wasn't here. I wish I would just go away.

I wish it was over.

Things, things that are red flags. I mean, take it seriously because Um, people think that it's like a cry for help or that it's just to get attention.

Give them the attention.

Well, then give it to them and help them. If they're crying for help, give them help. They shouldn't be saying those things. Observe your children. Are they eating? Are they sleeping? Are they smiling? Are they enjoying life? Are they enjoying activities? Are they enjoying school? Observe them. How do they seem? Max got in the car and his eyes looked so bad, and I was like, oh buddy, you and I are not doing well with these early mornings. Yeah, we're both going to bed too late and we need to fix that. So see, I'm observing that Max and I need more sleep and are not doing well with these early mornings. So those are just some things for prevention, some, some things to look out for. Yes, it was a super hard movie. It was hard for me to watch. Was it hard for you?

There were some moments that tugged my heartstrings.

There were tears. Yes, definitely, definitely tears. I was like, oh God, more tears. But they did such a good job.

And there are some awesome songs in that show.

Oh my God, the music is amazing. I love the music. I loved the movie. I just thought it was rough, right?

It's a drama, not a comedy. It's not a feel-good thriller, feel-good roller coaster ride.

It's sad, but it, you know, it's worth it. It brought up a topic that needs to be addressed.

Yes.

So I wanted to give it attention.

Yes. And it was crying for help.

It was, it was staying with me. Like, days later, it was still with me. And I was like, you know, write about it, get it out.

Yes.

Talk about it. Yes. So the one thing that I did not talk about that I will end with is that if I could do a movement, be like in charge right now of making this happen, it would be no child should sit alone.

It's a good hashtag, right? No child sits alone.

So that's what I want for our kids. And I want anyone— I, I'm not in the schools, I'm not a school social worker, which I would love to do, to be the person that the kids could come talk to. But be the, be the person at school. If you're an aide, administrator, teacher, lunch lady, volunteer, pay attention. Are the kids sitting alone.

Hi, Cosmalas! Hi, Esther!

Hi, everyone watching. So I just want you to ask your children, who are they sitting with at lunch?

Do they see anybody sitting by themselves? Go invite that person. You wrote about how Ella did that.

So sometimes you feel like a good parent. Sometimes it happens. And Ella came home and told me that her friends, her two friends and her, invited a girl who was sitting alone to sit with them. So you want your kid happy, to have friends, to get good grades, to join sports. But you also— today is Unity Day at school. I'm wearing orange for Unity Day because my girls wore orange. And I don't know why you bring that up when I'm like in the middle of something.

You're always in the middle of something. You're not— stop talking. Hey honey, please display your comment.

Yes, I do pause. So it was Unity Day, and what that means is including people, being kind, inclusive, promoting no bullying. So we want our kids to be happy, but we also want them to look out for the kids who are not, and we want them to invite them to sit with them or talk to them. Or notice that they're crying. Okay, can you read Melissa's comment and Lily will close us out?

Yes. One of my friends has a podcast, The Leftover Pieces. It's heartbreaking, but hard topics is so important. Great space, friends.

You skipped part of it. You didn't read it all. How?

Sorry.

Okay, go back up. Bring it back up. Hard topics about child loss and suicide is so important. Great space, friends. Thank you, Melissa. Thank you for being here, Melissa, and for commenting and for sharing such wonderful things. And Lily wants to show you her Halloween Squishmallows. This has nothing to do with our topic, but what do you want to say before we close out?

Um, today at school when I was walking back from the bathroom, a guy was going inside his classroom and he dropped his notebooks and markers everywhere, so I helped him pick them up.

Oh, that was very nice of you.

Perfect.

And I gave compliments to my teachers.

Compliments to your teachers.

They're promoting kindness this week, and Lily has been really focused on being kind and has been coming home and reporting to me how she is being kind.

That's awesome.

So I'm very proud of you, and I, and I love that you are being kind to other people at school. So, hard topic, necessary topic. Watch out for your kids and have your kids watch out for other kids. And this Friday is interesting, the tables turn. And, "Oh, great job, young lady," says Melissa.

Thank you.

You were paused.

I wasn't paused, but I noticed her comments. So this Friday, Emma Lou Penrod flipped the tables on me and interviewed me. She was on my podcast. Um, lovely woman. I loved, I loved having her on my podcast and I loved being on her podcast. So you're going to hear the interview this Friday on my podcast. So that's an exciting turn of events. Yes. And, um, anything else? I think that's it.

We're good.

Okay, Lil, thank you for watching 90 Days of Wednesday with the Green Family. Cha-cha chicken!

Have a good week, everyone. Thanks for watching.