Whinypaluza Wednesday - 14 lessons from Motherhood

Happy Whiny Palooza Wednesday!

It's the Whiny Palooza Wednesday!

That's right!

Oh boy! It's the Whiny Palooza Wednesday! That's right! Join us on Whiny Palooza Wednesday! Cha-cha-chicken!

I did it wrong. You did it great! You did it fabulous! Ella isn't interested tonight, so Lily filled in.

Yes, thank you.

We appreciate our fill-in.

Yes.

So I want to show you something.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait for people to wait for more people to get here.

Oh, so you don't want me to jump into it?

No, I want you to wait a minute. It's funny, I've been doing a 5-day challenge with Tony— virtual challenge with Tony Robbins, and they like start the thing and then they have a waiting timer and they wait like half an hour before everybody gets on before he starts. Now he's got 800,000 people, so it takes a little while, but I'm trying to kill some time here. Some more people get here.

You're cracking me up. We just had, um, painting with Girl Scouts. Lily had a Hebrew lesson. We're having a busy night. And I want to tell you, I know it's for a terrible reason, and I appreciate that it's a terrible reason, but I had 2 meetings on Monday from my kitchen on Zoom. We had 2 events tonight on Zoom in our dining room, and I love that I don't have to go anywhere. I know, I know it's sad that we're not together, but there is a silver lining.

No, yes, you did not drive. To West Seneca in the, in the snow.

I did not. So before I jump into my topic— yes, even though you want me to wait—

no, it's okay, you can go ahead.

So I'm excited to show you something, and then I will do my topic for the night. The fabulous Kristen Watts designed this awesome box for me. Look at this box! Is it backwards?

Yeah, because that's the way it works, but you have to reverse it, but it's fine.

It's the Winey Palooza book box, and in the box is my business card and a book. How cool is that? Super cool, Kristen, if you're watching. I love it so much, and I love everything you create. And I'm so thankful for her and the Market Domination team, Seth's business, because they do an awesome job marketing my business. So thank you, honey.

You're very welcome. Well, I didn't do this, but I did say you should have a box, and Kristen runs.

If you give Kristen an idea, she will bring it to life. She runs with it and makes it happen. So Max turned— he— I know he has something. Our dog is in the playroom. We sit in the playroom and do this, and he decides to follow us and still choose toys at 2 years old. So yes, so Seth is dealing with him. So Max turned 14 on Sunday, which is absolutely crazy to me. He goes first. I'm so glad that he's first. He's like the perfect person to go first, to be the oldest son. He's our oldest child and he does everything first, whether it's preschool, high school. He's going to be driving in 2 years. God, I'll slow down. You're going to tell me to back up and be in the presence. I will back up. So Lily said to me— I don't know if I told you this already last week— but Lily said to me, does that mean Max is only gonna live with us for 4 more years? And I was like, stop! Yeah, like, don't even say that. You don't know what he's gonna do or where he's gonna— we don't know anything. So I decided in honor of Max's birthday, I'd like to do vlogs that have to do with what's going on with our life. I decided to do 14 lessons in motherhood, some of which Max has taught me and some of which I just have learned along the way. Some of it I was taught, you know, all the parenting books, all the parenting courses, the social work degree, the psychology degree, the family counseling, it still does not make parenting flawless. I still fought with Lily today. I still texted Seth, "I'm so dumb!" So it does not make parenting flawless. There's always challenges, and I'm just trying to be patient and flexible and roll with it and learn from it every day. So here are some of the lessons that I have learned, some of the lessons that Seth has learned. Seth threw in some of these.

I did.

And can talk about some of these. But I'm gonna start with something I have said before, which is that we— number one is we need to parent our children differently. And I have talked to my friends about this extensively because I have 3 kids and I cannot begin to tell you how different each one of them is. And it's hard to believe that they all came from Seth and I because they couldn't be more different. And I appreciate them for their strengths and for their need areas. And so we just kind of learn what, how do, what does each child need from us? What do we need to do differently? What do we need to do more of? Um, with Max, I have a really pretty much hands-off approach with school. He proves time and time again that he is going to do all of his with his schoolwork and he gets phenomenal grades. I just checked his grades because the marking period is closing on Friday. And time and time again, he's proving that I can trust him. So, I'm really hands-off with him and always have been. And with, you know, Lily, I have to be more hands-on. So, it just depends on each kid and what they need. When I get mad, Ella freezes and is like, "What? What do you want? What do you want me to do?" And Lily's just kind of like, screw you. So, so every kid is different. Every kid needs us to parent differently. Um, number 2 is clear expectations. And Max actually asked me for very clear expectations. He needs it. He knows he needs it. He wants to know what is expected of him. What do I want? Just be clear with me and I'll do it and I'll make you happy, but you have to tell me.

What are we doing? Where are we going there?

So if he has soccer at 6:15, he wants to know that he has to be ready at 5:45 to leave the house. He wants a clear-cut schedule. He wants to know what's next. If I expect him to, um, I don't know, give me an example, do his bar mitzvah. Yes. He wants to know ahead of time what it's going to entail and when he is doing— when is he supposed to get this thing done? So Max wants clear expectations. The girls, the girls do too, but he actually asks for it. Yes, right. Okay, and another big one for Max, and I'm going to talk about the girls too. Number 3 is I require Max in particular that he has to do one sport per season, and I'm not flexible on it because if I let him he will sit at his computer 24 hours a day if I let him.

Yes.

And I want him to be active. So my, my rule, rule is, is that he has to pick one sport a season. I don't care what it is, but he has to be active.

And this may be the first season he does two at the same time.

You know, I was gonna say that he has always done soccer. Um, we haven't said you have to do soccer, but we have said you have to something. And he— we think he's a really talented goalkeeper. I think we're— hopefully we're not the only people who think that, but we're not. But he has also extended interest in joining the high school football team, so we're excited for him. And he may actually try to juggle two sports, so we'll see how that goes, because, you know, life's not crazy enough.

It is not.

Okay, so I don't have this issue with the girls because the girls do so many things things. This is a Max rule. Number 4: model good habits. They will do what I do. They eat what I eat, they drink what I drink, they, they see me reading and they read, they see me meditate, they want to join in, they see that I value my sleep, they see that I value that I take my vitamins, they take their vitamins. So if we're aware of the habits that we want them to have, if we model it for them, they will follow suit.

Yes, both good or bad.

Good, thank you. Both good or bad. They, they have acquired my chocolate habit and some other habits. We won't tell them all my bad habits. Okay, you love number 5, honey. Apologize to the kids and to Seth. Model to to my kids, if I do something wrong, and I do a lot of things wrong, I just need to apologize. And I know it sounds so easy, but people have trouble saying I'm sorry. So I'm trying to normalize it and, and tell them when I screw up and repair when I screw up. And I, I, I hate saying this, but I do it almost every day. I don't, I don't do it big every day, but You know, Lily and I were fighting about her Zoom today because she was late. And so afterwards, when we were both calm, I was like, I'm sorry I was upset with you. We need to discuss it. We need to talk about how we're going to prevent this from happening again. So I do apologize when I mess up. Yes. And you are, you are the king of apologizing when you mess up. He, we told each other, we said we're going to race each other to apologize, and he's so upset with me that he keeps winning.

Yeah, it's been 16 years. You gotta catch up, girl.

If you can win once in a while, you're good. I'm gonna work on winning. I'm gonna win.

Come on, you're competitive.

I am super competitive, and I'm gonna win.

I would love for you to win that race.

Lesson number 6: They talk to me how I talk to them. And they talk to me how I talk to Seth. So if I talk to them with respect, they will model respect for me. It has to be mutual. I can't be rude to them and expect them to respect me. I have learned that it's a mutual respect. Yes. You agree with that?

I do.

And I have also learned the latest book that I read, Shalom in the Home, said that the kids will model in all of their relationships in life how I talk to Seth and how Seth talks to me. Well, and you.

It's not all on me.

Okay, lesson number 7: They aren't me. Different things make them happy than what makes me happy. They're so different from me. They aren't here to please me. They are not put on this earth to please me. It is their life. They need to live their life how they want to live it. And they need to figure out what makes them happy. And I may want to be a social worker. I may have wanted to be a cheerleader. You know, if Lily— hi, Kristen— if Lily wants to be a cheerleader, go for it. I don't want her to do it because I was. I wanted to do it because it's fun for her. So I just have to remember they aren't me. And you too, you have to remember they aren't you.

Yes, that is okay.

Get the— just get the dog out if he's bothering you. Lesson number 8: gratitude, perspective, and joy. I will catch myself, you know, they know that I'm They know that I'm thankful for them. They know that I'm thankful for Seth. They know. However, they also hear me say things like, like, they'll make fun of me because I'll be like, I want a pool, or I want a new house, or I want a new car, or I don't know, I'm trying to think of examples. But I, and I want a hot tub is my latest ask. I don't want them to always hear me saying I want, I want, I want. It's important for me that they know that I'm thankful for what we have, and I want to teach them gratitude because the more gratitude they have, the happier that they will be in life, and it will give them a better perspective. And I have told you this before, but I purposely name my cats positive things. My first cat was Hope. Our second and third cat that we have now are Faith and Joy. And I knew that if we said Faith and Joy all day, we would be reminded of positive words. So that's part of why I did that. So that was number 8. Number 9, you love number 9, you're the king of number 9. Feel the fear and do it anyway. I don't know that you're afraid of much.

I'll have to get back to you on that one.

He is so brave and such a risk taker. We definitely married our opposite. And I think that it's really good, and I think that we balance each other out, and I think that he pushes me outside of my comfort zone every day. And when, you know, I had to do public speaking, the kids knew I was scared and I did it anyway. When I was going to start a podcast, they knew I was scared but I did it anyway. I was scared to take them skiing. I was like, I just want us to be safe, is this a good idea?

It was your idea.

Well, yes, but when I saw them, you know what I realized? Part of why I was so scared is I forgot to get them helmets.

I didn't know you were so scared. You never told me that.

Well, because I hid it to myself. Okay, but I was on— great job. I was on the training hill with Lily watching Ella ski, and I was literally praying. I was like, oh God, should I stop right now and go get them helmets?

But to be fair, this was the second time we went skiing. We did have helmets the first time. Well, we just forgot.

We told— they didn't mention it and we just totally forgot. And I'm a bad mother. I should have gone back and gotten them. So next time we will all wear helmets. That was my bad.

Yes.

So feel the fear, do it anyway, and wear a helmet. I want to model this for them. I don't want the fear to take hold of them. I want them to take hold of the fear. And I want to normalize feelings, all the feelings. I want to normalize them all. It's normal to feel It's normal to feel sad sometimes. It's normal to feel scared. It's okay to feel the stuff, just don't let the stuff control you.

Yes.

Okay, I know I'm talking too much. I'll—

You're doing great.

Okay, Seth reminded me of this one because we have talked about this one. Parent how you wanted to be parented. And I think of the little girl, I think of myself as a little girl. And let's say that one of my kids did something wrong. I think about how I would have wanted my parents to handle it, and I try to give that to them. So I didn't want my parents to yell, so I try to remember that. And I think every year I get a little calmer, and I'm just trying to think, you know, what I want my parent to say to me when I'm about to say to my kid. And I'm not always in control, and I'm not always perfect, but I do think about that and try to be aware of that. Do you do that?

Yes, absolutely. I have been working on parenting myself better a lot more lately. And then translating that—

Girls, you're too loud! You're too loud! I don't know what's going on in the kitchen. Number 11, we're almost done.

We'll find out, and hopefully it's not too messy.

We're gonna find out what's going on in the kitchen after a few more. Okay, so number 11, strength focus. Be strength focused in your parenting. My constantly criticizing and nagging my kids is gonna get me nowhere. They're just gonna want to avoid me. They're not gonna want to talk to me. They're gonna close their door in my face. They don't want to be around someone who's nagging and criticizing them. They want to be around someone who's picking them up. How would I talk to an employee? How would I talk to to a friend. Well, my kids deserve that too. So, you know, for example, with Max, I was like, can you please— you know, you're so strong— can you go get the new vacuum and bring the vacuum in for me? I appreciate your strength. I appreciate that you let me use it. And I was joking with Seth, you know, Max is full remote right now, so I was joking with Seth that I love that he's home because he was actually on a break when I showed up with all my groceries and without even asking him, he just came in the garage and brought in all the groceries. So I—

Didn't he actually message you about what time you were going to be home so he could help you?

I think that's why I was like, why is he messaging me that he needs me home? And I think he was just trying to fit it in before his next class, which blew my mind. But if I give them praise, if I'm like, "Lily, you did such a great job putting your clothes in your hamper," then I'm gonna get more clothes in the hamper.

More of the behavior you want to repeat. And I remember telling you, how come, like, if you and I would have a fight, you would be yelling or whatever with me, and then the phone would ring or someone would show up at our door and you'd be sweet and pie with them. I'd be like, "What the heck?" 'Cause they didn't upset me! No, 'cause you could be nice to the stranger stranger that answered our door dropping off Bibles in. And I said, well, if you could do that for them, you could do it for me if you wanted. How come they're getting the best of you and I'm not? No, no, I want that situation.

Yeah, no, I want you to get the best of me. And I realized that the parenting tips apply to my husband. Hey now, well, to our marriage, to my marriage. Because if I'm strength-focused with stuff and I'm like, honey, I love that you brought me flowers for no reason. It made me feel so good, and it gave me, it gave me strength because he knew I was struggling at home. Yes. So it gave me like mommy energy. So I was like, oh my God, I love that you did that. So he's going to want to do that again because I was so happy. Like, if I give him praise and thankfulness, then I get more of it. So Rebecca says, these are wonderful tips, so thoughtful. Thank you, Rebecca. Kristen says, just by using manners always helps. Please and thank you go a long way.

Very true.

So true, Kristen, you give great advice. And I'm gonna top off my 14 tips with one of the tips that you gave me today. So number 12, family dinner, family time, forced, forced family time. And what I mean by that is they don't choose to have dinner with us. We say, it's time for dinner, come sit down, and we don't have room in our kitchen. So I do set the dining room table for us. And I will say, come down from gaming, we're doing dinner. And I will force it because Max would just sit there every night and eat his dinner at his computer if I let him. But I want us to have time to talk and I want us to be together. And I think it's important. And I forced him to come bowling with us. I didn't ask him. I said, we're gonna go have family fun. It's bowling night. Bowling time! And he was like, bowling, Mom, really?

He did get the highest score.

Hey, you know what, he's really good.

And he was very helpful with his sisters.

He was teaching his sisters. And he probably won't admit it, but I think he had fun.

Maybe a little bit.

He was like, are we done yet? I have homework.

Did I last till Sunday night?

That I left. Sometimes he leaves it, you know. That's, that's what I do need to remember is to remind him, like, don't leave your homework until 10 o'clock at night. That is something he needs me to remind him of. Number 13, encourage friendships. They see that I value friendships. They see me make time for them. And we want our kids to have pro-social friendships. And the— one of the biggest predictors of our kids' behavior is their peers and what their what their peers are doing. So if they have negative peers and negative influences, they're gonna get into trouble most likely with their peers. So I want my kids to surround themselves with kids who are doing the right thing and kids who I approve of. And I know their family and I know the kid. And I know a lot of people are not having friends over right now, but get creative, encourage stuff with friends that you approve of. My friend suggested that I do a bonfire for Max and let some of his friends sit around the bonfire socially distanced so that they could be together. Everyone needs a GGBC. Yes, they do. I'm very, very lucky. I have my fabulous Golden Girl Book Club that has kept me sane over the last 10 months. Absolutely true, Jamie. Okay, last but not least, setting goals. I want my children to constantly be trying to be the best version of themselves, and I want them to always be trying to do better, and I want them to love themselves, but I want them to know that there's always room for improvement. So if I show them my goals, and tell them what I'm working on and tell them the specific goal and how I'm tracking it, then they can learn how to do that. And what I wanted to share with Seth, although he read my blog, so he already knows this, we did an awesome family vision board in 2019. So it is 2021. It is time to do a new family vision board.

Yes.

And I have beautiful, I don't know if they're beautiful, big closet doors in my room. Like, how many of them? 4, 4 big doors. I want us to cover the doors with our goals. And I want us to print pictures and print sayings. And I want— I'm going to do mine. I'm going to do mine first and put it up so they can see what I'm talking about. And then I'm going to have my family cover it with theirs. And we're going to make a family vision board. And I want to model setting goals for my children. And you are the king of setting goals, and you model that for me.

Yes, I do.

And I can't even— I don't even know how many goals you're working on. A lot. There's a list. So I'm gonna give you one bonus that I can't believe I didn't write. So, you know, my friends thankfully read my blog and make wonderful comments, and one of the comments from Kristin today was how listening will take you so far with your children. And I couldn't believe that I didn't even think of it, but we just need to— sometimes we just need to talk less and listen more. And I realized that, you know, I did screw this up today, but when my kids want to do something with me or they want to talk to me, I need to stop and and listen. And obviously if I'm in the middle of something, you know, kids interrupt you 50 times a day. So sometimes I don't always say, okay, come talk to me. Sometimes I'm like, I'm in the middle of something. But I want to make an effort to talk less and listen more. So that's something that I didn't list that Kristen brought up. And I love that I have friends like, you know, Kristen and Jamie and Jen and Kara, and they all have older kids than me, and I love that they go first and go through stuff, and then I can ask them questions. I've already texted Kara a bunch of high school questions because I'm doing Max's high school schedule with him. So I love having friends who go first and teach me stuff about their kids who are older than mine. Do you have anything else that you want to add, Mr. Green?

I think you're good.

You think I covered it all? You can add something before we close up, baby.

I think that I like that you have like a whole list that you like to say because it makes me feel so happy that you're like talking, and I love your voice so I can feel Well, I love your voice and your voice makes me so happy, so we're even.

So thank you for listening, Lily, and thank you to everyone for joining us tonight. I'm so happy to have you all here, and I really enjoyed writing this blog this week. It was very therapeutic for me to just reflect on my 14 years with Max and stuff that he's taught me. He is such a good kid, and I'm so honored to be his mom. And I, I'm gonna try not to cry. I can't believe he's 14 and going to high school next year. Cheers. So this Friday, new podcast with Melissa Brown. Loved talking to her. She has the Blended Family Podcast. We did talk about blended families, but we did just talk about motherhood Parenting. So I hope you will tune in and listen, and Lilybug, close us out! Thank you for watching my new preschool Wednesday with Fernanda and Molly.

Tchau, tchau, tchaboom!

Thanks everyone!