Whinypaluza Wednesday Covid Boundaries

Hello everyone! Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday! No need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday! Have some wine and join us on Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family! Cha-cha-chicken!

Cha-cha-chicken!

Alright, bye! Okay, stay close! I don't know who's closing me out. Hello everyone, come closer. You're gonna have to take your glasses off, my honey.

Why?

Well, oh, look at it, it looks really funny. Okay, so Facebook, TikTok, focus. Seth has TikTok going again. I told you on TikTok that we were going live tonight and I didn't know if we were doing both, but the husband has both going. So Seth is here with us. He is feeling better.

Yes.

Um, thank you everyone who reached out and asked how he was doing and asked if you could do anything for us.

Nobody told me this.

I didn't tell you all the texts.

I was like, you didn't tell me people were taking requests.

What do you mean?

Oh, and what they could do for us. I could have come up with some suggestions.

Your wife can do for you. I took care of you.

You did a phenomenal job. I, I delivered food and stuff.

I missed my calling as a nurse, I think.

No, I think as a mother you are automatically a nurse and a doctor.

No, I'll, I'll keep the mom social worker hat, and I don't want the nurse hat. Okay, I take my hat off to all of you nurses. So, so, um, lots and lots of people have COVID right now. Lots and lots of text messages about that. Um, so I decided this week was going to be about COVID boundaries.

What do you mean COVID boundaries?

This was inspired, um, while Seth had COVID. He was still working. I was still working a couple hours a day.

Uh, no, I worked a couple hours.

You underestimate. He is an underestimator. Okay, anyways, it's off topic.

Focus.

While I was working, I had the luxury of talking to Carrie Krawick, and her podcast is coming out this Friday. Wonderful therapist. She had so much good advice, and she inspired this blog because I was telling her how, um, I was telling her about scenarios that were happening I had one friend say that she wants to go out and— or her husband wants to go out and she doesn't.

Um, go out as in like on a date into the world?

I was just telling her about different scenarios in the houses, whether it had to do with going out or masks or vaccines. Or I was saying, you know, Carrie, families aren't agreeing, extended family members aren't agreeing, friends aren't agreeing. What is your advice? What do you— what do you— like, help us out. And she brought up the word boundaries, and she said we are not having good boundaries. And she said that we need to worry about what is happening within our four walls. And she said it's trickier if a husband and wife don't agree. She said then you might need like an unbiased therapist to help you out. And, um, navigate through decisions. But, um, you got to be in it too, honey. So anyways, she said that extended family members are imposing beliefs on each other, trying to, trying to. And she said you have to worry about your nuclear family. And she said our two biggest boundaries that we can practice are time and space. And I loved that so much. And what she meant by that is we might need time and space to reflect on things and make decisions. So you can say to someone, I need some time, I need some space. And then she went on to talk about resentment and guilt, which, um, so interesting. And she was saying if you're feeling resentment or guilt, that's an indicator of poor boundaries. Did you know that?

I did not know that.

I did not know that either. That was new for me. And she said resentment is when you are trying to push something onto someone and you're frustrated that they're not listening.

Or could it be if they're trying to push something on you?

That's— so then she said guilt. Guilt is when you're feeling guilty that someone is making— you're allowing someone to make you feel guilty, and that's also a poor boundary. So I just love that she brought up— I think that word is so important in all relationships, and I think that sometimes we all overstep our boundaries? Are you feeling like people are overstepping their boundaries? Do you feel like people are giving you space to make your own decisions? Do you feel respected? How are you guys feeling? Um, I will tell you that, um, I had a friend jump in on Facebook and say she's definitely feeling like people are overstepping. So I know that people are feeling that way.

So then don't be an overstepper.

Yes, we want to have good boundaries. So that is what I meant by COVID boundaries, but she had so much good stuff to say, and we were talking about health. Everyone is so focused on their health, which I understand. Our health is so important. However— Oh, happy birthday! Is that Nika? Happy birthday, Nika! Hello! So health is very important, but she said we are focused so much on our health that we're not maintaining our relationships. And she said we also have to remember that our relationships are important. And she was explaining to me that they're intertwined, which I think we forget. And I think we as women especially need relationships and we need people. And she said that your health and your mental health are entwined in your relationships, and the better relationships that you have, the better your health is.

Did you know that community is good for you?

Community is good for you. She had so much to say about the media. Let's talk about the media. So Seth is really good. Seth actually put me in check, and he said to me you know, back in the day when this all began, I had the news on 24/7.

Yes. Oh, that drove me crazy.

And he would come home or come in the kitchen and be like, can you turn that off? Like, turn it off, I can't listen to this all day. So I think that I can sometimes read too much about COVID read too much about the vaccine, like look at social media too much. And social media is great when you're posting pictures of your family, your pets, some suggestions for me of what to do with my kids, like recipes, recipes. I love all that, but when people start posting about COVID and their beliefs about it or like their political agenda, I just need to keep scrolling and not read it. So my advice to all of us is keep scrolling, but she said to be careful about the news because we have to make sure, are they giving us accurate information? Are they making us more stressed than we need to be? And she said the more that we can turn it off, the less stressed we will be. Very interesting, very, very interesting stuff. She also was talking about, okay, so let's say that you are the family member with the really strict rules and boundaries. She was explaining that you have to make sure you're being fair to other people. Are you being entitled? Are you feeling like you have the right to have your rules with other people? Oh my God, she was telling me stories about her clients where the daughter wouldn't let the mother see her other daughter because she wasn't a safe person.

How is that? How can you— I could see I won't let you see the grandkid that I made, but how do you say you can't go see my sister? And how is the sister okay with that?

Or like she was saying, like one sister was pregnant and one sister had a kid, and like the pregnant one was trying to impose rules on everyone. And she said, you see in family dynamics, like the person who's like really controlling becomes more controlling. She's like, COVID has like emphasized our roles in our family, exaggerated. Oh my gosh, she's such a smart lady. And when she was talking about all the families that she works with, I was like, oh my God, everybody's dealing with the same stuff. When people talk about their families and this one believes this and this one believes this and this one's pushing this, I'm like, yep, yep, every single family. You're not alone, right?

We've all got those overstepping people in our lives.

Oh my gosh. So in the meantime Okay, we've got all this going on, and then there's the kids, and the kids are really stressed out. I think that they're more stressed out than they tell us. And, um, hearing so many things about the kids— this one doesn't want to go to school, this one doesn't feel safe at school, this one thinks they're going to catch COVID at school, this one is upset she's not allowed to sit with her friends at school for lunch. Do you know that my daughter is sitting at a desk alone for lunch? Do you know that?

Uh, no.

Yeah, so they're dealing with like 6 feet between the desks.

Is that the deal?

There's not, but like they're all spaced out and they're not sitting together and the kids are— anyways, they're going to take their lead from us and I keep telling us that, but I see the parents stressed out and then I see the kids stressed out. So if they see how we're handling our stress, they're then they can do the same. And if they see how we're problem solving, they learn to problem solve.

Um, we should be good role models.

Well, and also like the coping skills, we should get some. We should get some and use some and show them how we cope. Um, yeah, screaming at Lily to get in the shower, not my best moment.

It's okay.

But telling her, I'm kind of tired, it's been a long 13 days. It's actually, I don't know, whatever number it is. It's been a long week, let's put it that way.

2 weeks.

It's 2 weeks. Has it been 2 weeks on Friday? Oh my gosh. So saying to Lily, I noticed that you feel really better, much better when you dance. I noticed that you feel better when you walk away. I noticed, I just told her upstairs that I needed a timeout.

I'm proud of you, honey. Good job, you put yourself in timeout.

I put myself in timeout. I put myself in timeout and I need to be alone and I need to calm down. And then I come back and then I say, okay, I'm better. I needed that. And I'm talking about it out loud so that she's hearing what I'm doing. So it's not just us that's stressed out. Our kids are stressed out too. And I said to Carrie, What is the one mistake that you feel that parents are making?

Wow, just one, that's a good question.

Well, I'd like to ask people, that's one of my favorite questions because everyone, everyone has had a different answer and her answer was awesome. She said that we are over-scheduling our kids and she said that we were locked down. She said what she saw was that we were locked down for so long that when things opened up, she said families were doing everything. They were signing their kids up for everything. They were going to the dentist, they were going to birthday parties. It was like, boom, let me out, let me at it. And she said what she feels like is happening is that first of all, the kids are overscheduled. And she said she's also seeing that COVID is spreading and there's no, like, restraint. Like, we're all out doing things. And she said if we could all have a little bit more moderation, maybe the numbers could go down.

Interesting point.

It's an interest. So she, so she was just pointing out like, we don't want to be home. This is my own personal opinion, and Carrie agrees. We don't want to be home all the time. We want to be out in the world, but maybe we shouldn't go as gung-ho as we're going out in the world. And, and do it. She said she signed up for martial— she signed her daughter up for martial arts. They went to go to martial arts and her daughter was like I didn't want to do this. I just thought it was so funny. So, uh, I asked her about child behavior issues because she's a behavior expert, and I know a little bit about something about that, um, because I did work with families whose kids had behavior problems. So I love to ask questions about kids' behaviors and see what other therapists are going to say. So I want to end with this because this is a point that we can use for any relationship. She brought up the 5 to 1 rule. Do you know the 5 to 1 rule?

I do not. What is the 5 to 1 rule?

I figured you would know. So, um, she said that behaviors— we focus on the behavior and we focus on what's wrong, and she wants us to shine a light on what's right. Okay, and this goes for everything. This goes for COVID, this goes for marriage, this goes for children behavior problem. We're focusing on what's going wrong, and she said in our life we need to focus on what's— what's— shine a light on what's going right. So with our kids, with our spouses, 5 positives for every negative. Ah, we gotta outweigh the negative, and that will decrease behavior problems It will improve your relationship with your kid. It'll improve your relationship with your spouse. It will improve your mood in relation to COVID. If you are focused on everything that's going wrong, you are going to feel more and more stressed and sad. So it applies to every single facet of our life. So my question for you: are people having good boundaries with you? Are you having good boundaries with other people? I think that what I'm trying to really focus on myself is to say, I respect your opinion. This is your choice for you. This is my choice for me. I don't believe that anybody is right or wrong. I'm a firm believer in trying to stand by that because I don't believe that I know everything. And if Seth ever says to me anything in regards to that, I am like, oh, I'm the last person who thinks that I know everything. I don't know everything. I never know if I'm right. I make the best decisions I possibly can. I think that you're making the best decisions that you possibly can, and I respect you, and I try to stand by that with every decision we make, whether it's politics or religion or parenting. So, um, anything you want to add, honey? You were very quiet tonight.

I'm just listening. I think, I think you made some excellent points, and I think you gave some great advice.

Thanks, honey. Did you like this topic?

I did.

A little spin.

Can we do a hypothetical example or two that might help me and the folks watching?

What do you mean?

Uh, you, you mentioned when you've got some family members trying to impose their beliefs on other people, and then you also mentioned an example of like what happens if husband and wife disagree. Obviously we're not going to name any specific people who might be experiencing those things, but if you could expand on that a little more.

Oh, there's so many situations that I've heard about. Um, I have a friend who does not want to vaccinate her children and her husband does, and they have had many discussions about it, and he's being respectful at this point. He's being respectful, and they've agreed to defer to her. Um, but that's like an easy example. Like, there could be couples that are still fighting about that. Um, I know a divorced family um, the father does not want the kids vaccinated, the mother does, and they're divorced and fighting about it. So I mean, to me, especially if you're divorced, bring in a therapist. The therapist is going to have to help you because how is a divorced couple who can barely get along— now some divorced couples get along, I don't mean to generalize, but But, but they, they are now—

their relationship is now dissolved.

I—

so they disagreed to such an extent that they could not stay married about it.

Well, they didn't get divorced about that, right?

But they still did not stay— may choose to stay married.

Um, a wife who wants to stay home and be safe and has health issues, or thinks that being home will be safe. Yeah. And a husband who wants to go out and socialize. So, um, Carrie was like, you know, we have to maintain our relationships. Like, that's good for him. Like, we can't make him stay home because she wants him to. We have to let him maintain his relationships. Relationships are important. Does that make sense?

It doesn't until in a worst case scenario he brings home COVID.

And she goes, "See, if you had just stayed home." Right, but what are you gonna do, chain him home and make him stay home?

I'm sure there are women who would do that.

I think this is a really tough situation. The good news is, the good news is, let's cross our fingers as I say this, I think it's getting milder and milder and milder.

You're talking about the illness itself.

Am I allowed to say that?

I don't know.

I'm not a doctor or nurse.

Yeah, we have no street cred at all.

Okay, so Carrie's example was the pregnant sister who told the mother that she can't go see the other sister, and, and to me that is totally unacceptable.

Yeah, we've known people who were— the grandparents were pressuring the kids, the adult children, to get themselves and the kids and the grandkids vaccinated for the grandparents.

So, so many, so many things going on.

Like, protect us, Will. I know, but what if that's not how we view it?

We had a Thanksgiving situation— not us, there was a Thanksgiving situation where the family wasn't allowed to come to the extended family member's Thanksgiving because they weren't vaccinated. So whether it's vaccines or masks or staying home or going out or whatever it is. There's a million different opinions and it's all contradictory information out there. So it's like you'll read something that's pro-mask and then you'll read— I have to tell you that so many people feel better wearing the mask, but then I have people telling me that it's child abuse to make your kids wear a mask. So I mean, there's so much contradictory information out there. We have to just focus on our four walls. We have to focus on our nuclear family. What is going on here? How can we make the best decisions for our own family? And don't worry about what the cousins, grandparents, friends, coworkers, neighbors— don't worry about what other people are doing. Just do what makes you feel good for yourself and your family.

Amen to that.

Were those decent examples?

Yeah, those are good examples. That was helpful.

Okay. So hopefully I'm not going to talk about this next week. I have this today. I have Friday's podcast with Carrie that's talking, discussing this more in depth.

So more detail.

So next, so next week we will not be talking about COVID And last week, I apologize, um, I did not go live. Seth was sick. I was exhausted. I was like, I'm just gonna go live by myself. Oh my God, I was so tired I couldn't do it. Um, really tried to take care of everything for like a week, right? Yes, probably more than a week. I just wanted him to rest and heal and all that jazz. But, um, I apologize that I didn't go live, but I did record something when I was feeling up to it on Friday, so it did get released today on my podcast. Um, so I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I wasn't going live, but here we are.

Yes.

And Seth is better and better, and I'm so happy.

Yes.

And are you coming in? Are you closing? I'm closing out. Do you have anything else you want to tell them? To get the app, go get the Winey Palooza app, which—

oh yes, announcement! The Winey Palooza app is now also available on the Google Play Store. So the Winey Palooza app is now both iPhone and Android Go find it in your app store. We would love some feedback, 5-star review, um, if you like it.

Oh, hi Lily! Who is that?

Who is for fun?

Who's for fun? Kate! Hi Kate!

Hi Kate!

Oh my goodness, I'm so glad that she's joining us. This is very strange having two phones going. Pardon me while I adjust. But this was fun. And Seth, thank you for, uh, getting me— Seth and Lily, thank you for getting me into TikTok.

That's Lily.

It wasn't just me.

The girls got her into TikTok and then I'm learning how to market it.

Okay. I had nothing to do with it.

Okay, Ella's giving Lily all the credit.

Yeah, it was all my credit. Okay, so thank you for joining us. I hope that you and your family are healthy and doing well. And Lilybug. Thank you for watching my Fluza Wednesday with the Green family. Thank you. Ciao ciao, chicken.

Have a great week, everyone.

Bye.