Whinypaluza Wednesday: Discovering Our Children

Hello, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

No need to whine, it's—

you missed the pre-show magic where the good goes.

Okay, start over. No need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday! Have some wine and join us on Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family!

Cha-cha chicken!

Did you do that fast enough?

It was pretty fast.

Did you need to do super speed?

She's trying to run away.

Where are you You got a hot date?

She's— shh, don't tell anybody.

You got a hot date with your laundry in your bedroom. She doesn't like that.

She does not like that hot date idea.

How is everyone doing today? It is— summer is winding down.

Some people are already back at school.

I keep forgetting that.

I had that earlier. I was talking to one of my financial advisors saying we're going to start marketing the college planning to guidance counselors when school comes back. And he's like, we've been back at school for weeks. And I said, oh, we have not.

We are the latest. We start September 8th. I know some private schools start September 1st around here. Our schools are starting September 8th. So as we wind down, Max had soccer tryouts all week. High school orientation is tomorrow. Lily has been busy cheerleading. So life has not been very slow. But I can feel it. Like, it feels like we're moving into school, and I've been up every day early with Max, and I'm exhausted because I'm not used to that. And I said to Seth, 9 o'clock? We have to do this at 9 o'clock? Yeah, okay, so here we are.

Yes.

And I— if you, if you know me, if you follow me, um, if you don't, welcome. I'm so glad you're here. If you've been watching and listening for a while, you know that I love to talk about strengths. I love to be strength-focused. I was trained to be strength-focused, and I think it's one of the keys to being a good parent. Do I fall off the wagon? Absolutely. Do I focus on weaknesses? Absolutely. But we need to pick ourselves back up and we need to look for what is going right with our children. So we're going to talk— the title of my weekly topic is Discovering Our Kids, and I do write a blog every week, and, and that's published in the morning, and then in the evening, at nighttime at 9 o'clock, we talk about the blog.

9 o'clock Eastern time for those of you tuning in from other places.

So I realize as I collect people, and I love all the people who are joining. Like, I, I appreciate collecting people. It's so much fun, and I love who I'm meeting along the way. That is my favorite part. And I realize that as I collect new people, they have no idea what's going on. So every so often I may tell them what's going on.

That's helpful.

So I have a podcast that airs every Friday, and I love to to interview people, like-minded people, parenting experts, marriage experts, and I just got to talk to Brandon Miller. And he is a CEO who has really focused on being strengths-focused at work. And he made me laugh because I said, "Now, how did you bring it home?" And he said, "Well, I felt like a hypocrite because I was doing it at work and I wasn't doing it at home. So I needed to bring it home and give it to my family too." So we talked all about strengths, and he has written 2 books. One of them is Play to the Strengths, which I need to go get. And we talked all about what he has learned about strengths. So you're going to love the podcast when it airs, but I'm going to tell you some of the highlights because I loved it so much. I had never heard about the 5 E's. So we—

what are the 5 E's?

I knew you were gonna say that. So we're helping our children. I told Seth— Seth got a kick out of this— that we are our children's tour guides. It's like, um, I don't know what you believe in, but here's what I believe in. I believe that God gave me— us— these—

thank you, I'm part of the equation here. God, you have something to do with it.

God gave us these 3 beautiful, healthy children that we're so thankful for. And I feel like he was like, okay, here you go. You're to be their guardian angels and their tour guides through life. Do the best you can and help them become the best versions of themselves.

Good luck, right? Forgot to give you the owner's manual, but hey.

Well, everybody says that, but there are lots of parenting manuals. Please don't say This is just one of my own pet peeves. Please don't say that there is no parent manual because there are a zillion parent books out there.

Maybe that's the problem. We don't know which ones to read. Well, you could give us some recommendations in a future episode.

So here's the deal. You will know what works with your child and what doesn't. And if you don't, start to take notice. Start to take notice about how you respond and how your child responds. Start to take notice of what each child's individual strengths are. And our 3 kids couldn't be more different. And I will say things like, and don't be mean when I say this, but I will say things like, I don't understand. I never did any of this stuff. Like, I did other stuff. It's not like I didn't do stuff. I wasn't perfect, Seth.

That's the story I was given. We never hear about any of that stuff. We only hear about— I didn't do that. I was—

I told you I cried for 3 months at the start of high school. Do you think I didn't give my parents any stress?

So we don't, we don't hear about that quite as much as I was perfect.

I never—

I, I was the easy one and I was so wonderful to my parents.

Okay. I was the easy one. I was the people pleaser. Yes, but I gave them stress in certain ways. So anyways, when I say I don't understand or why are they doing this, it's because I truly don't get them. I don't get what are they struggling with, what do they need from me. I'm just kind of like perplexed. So Seth looks at it like, oh, she thinks she's superior to our children.

Or me. It bugs me more about me.

But what I think is, I don't understand. Help me understand this.

That would be a much better way to phrase it, and I will try and remember that that's what you really mean in case I have forgotten my secret decoder ring.

So we are on this journey with our children to help them grow and blossom and to discover who their best selves are. So in that journey, we use the 5 E's to help them discover their strengths. This is what we're watching for. So number 1, this is Brandon Miller's. I stole this from Brandon.

With permission. You only swipe from the best.

Well, I'm sure that he does not mind me talking about his work and promoting him.

Yes.

So he talks about enthusiasm first. And he said to look for the shine in the eyes. And when Ella got up on stage for the first time, I will never forget, like, her whole face lit up. And I was like, yep, this sparkle, this— she sparkles on stage. This is, this is her thing. So we're looking for what makes their eyes glow, what makes them get super enthused about something. And then he said number 2 is what comes super easy to them. And You know, just thinking about Max on the computer, I struggle. I'm like, Max, can you help me? Seth sent me an email the other day and he said, honey, this will take you 2 seconds. Go to your Facebook and send me this link. It'll take you 2 minutes.

I mean, the URL of her personal profile.

And he's like, this is how you do it. Go do it and send it to me. Yes. And I was like, I was sitting next to Max at lunch, actually. And I was like, okay, after 3 attempts, I was like, I really don't know how to do this. And I, and I showed Max Seth's email and he was like, oh God, Mom. And he did it in 2 seconds.

It does take 2 seconds.

It does take 2 seconds, but I didn't—

my point is, I understand that if you know what you're doing about what that was, yes, it takes 2 seconds.

So Max, um, is— the computer is easy for him. Math is easy for him. There's certain things that just come easy to us.

Um, what are some things that come easy for your kids?

Yeah, tell us, chime in. I would love to hear about your kids' strengths. I would love to hear what might be hard for you in discovering your kids' strengths. Do you feel like you know your kids and their strengths and how to use the strengths? We're going to talk about that too.

You should also not project your own desires for strengths on your kids.

That's an excellent point because when Lily— Lily is cheerleading for the first time and I just I just saw her tonight doing a cheer with her team and she was sparkling. And I was so nervous because I was like, I don't want her to do this for me because she's like, I want to be like Mom. I want to be like Mom. I want to do this, Mom.

She didn't know she was a cheerleader.

I don't want her to do cheerleading for me. I want her to do cheerleading for her. And man, does she look like she loves it. So what comes easy to them? What are they excellent at? What would you say they excel at? And Brandon said, we can't be the judge. He said, either we are too hard on our kids and we don't see it, or we are too easy on them and think that they are awesome at something they maybe aren't awesome at. Maybe they're just mediocre. Say something. What do you want to say?

Go around that way.

So what do they excel at? Lily has— Lily's coming on. Lily has— this is such a heavy and hard place to find the conversations with them, says Melissa. Well, it's more of— I agree, Melissa, most definitely. I think that we are like observing, like we're the like observers, the detectives to see what is our child most strong at and how do we kind of guide them in that direction. Like, we're going to guide Max towards computer classes. We're going to guide Lily towards dance classes. She had said something like, I'm not going to dance this year. And I'm like, oh yes, you will. You're really good at it. Say your thing so I can move on to number 4. I learned that at first I was like, a lot of people like my mom, my mom's doing things at my age. And I was like, And then I started doing it and my mom got me into it and I was like, oh boy. And now I'm having like one of the best times in my life. And I only want you to cheerlead if you want to cheerlead. I don't want you to cheerlead for me because Mommy doesn't care. Mommy wants you to do what Lily likes and what Lily's good at, and that has nothing to do with me because we're two completely different people. Okay. Do you check in with regular goals on them about activities? So that is an excellent question because what I wrote about is that I think that we should encourage them to try things. And I love that Lily is like, you know, Lily's my youngest, so Lily's like, I want to try this and I want to try this, and she's like finding herself. So yes, we do have conversations around this because as they try things, they find what they're passions are. And, and maybe they haven't found it yet. There's no, like, deadline. You don't have to find it by a certain date or a certain age. But Ella found it at age 5, and she will tell you all she wants to do is theater. I told her— we have had discussions about the fact that I don't know that that makes you well-rounded for college, which we will talk more about with her. Um, she wants to spend all her time at theater. Um, Max has aspirations as a goalie, so we do talk to him about that. So I think it's good to check in with your kids. What do they think their strengths are? What are their goals? What activities do they want to do? Lily will tell you she wants to do everything. Ella will tell you she just wants to do theater. And I think maybe there's something in the middle. I do think we should guide them towards their passion, but I think that trying things is great to find that passion.

Yes, absolutely. Gotta try it before so you know you like it.

So enthusiasm, easy. Excellence. Number 4 is energy. What do you see energy with? What do they— if, if it's hard, what do they still want to do? Um, I will be exhausted and I will be like, oh my God, Seth, I can't go live at 9 o'clock, I'm falling asleep. I will literally be falling asleep on the couch going, how am I going to do this? And then he presses the button and I'm like, "This is so fun." So, I just need a button all the time. Maybe just whiny palooza conversations. That definitely sparks my energy. What do your kids enjoy doing? So, this is interesting because I think this is what I used BAND a conversation for because I mean, what I wrote about is that Max was good at the saxophone. I thought he was good and I really wanted him to continue. And he was like, "Oh, please let me quit." And every so often he would be like, "Please let me quit." So finally, I let him quit, but I didn't want him to quit. If they're good at something, but they're not enjoying it, then let— maybe let it go.

Suffering for their art.

So, you know, Brandon made a good point when we discussed this, and he said, you know, make them finish like the season.

Yes.

You know, like, don't let them quit in the middle.

Yeah, we had people on our soccer— on our soccer teams when I was a coach who quit in the middle, and I'd be like, we don't have enough players. Like, you can't just quit in the middle.

So we're discovering our kids, we're watching them, we're seeing what's evolving. We're playing to their strengths, and we're focusing on the positive. I want to talk about that for a minute because our kids do a lot of things right. They do a lot right all day long, and I will point out something that Lily is doing wrong, and she will say, "But I did this and this, and you didn't say anything, and now you're upset with me." and finish out the current commitment. They still need to learn about teamwork and others relying on them. Melissa, that is such a good point. And you know what? I don't think that I talk about that enough. I think that cheerleading is a fabulous example of that. We got a note tonight that people have been missing too many practices because cheerleading is a team sport and they have to do stunts together, and you can't do your stunt if people are missing.

You can't have a pyramid, right?

And they have formations that they can't do because people are missing. So I don't have that conversation with my kids, but I think that's such, such a good point. Um, I just feel like my kids couldn't be more different. And I saw your home team shop.

Rom, home. They're seeing it.

Okay, Melissa, what does that mean? What did you mean?

There's a typo there somewhere.

I saw your home team shop. Hmm, do you know what she's saying?

I have no idea.

Okay, she'll probably correct it.

Yes.

Okay, so anyways, yes, my kids couldn't be more different, and I appreciate them for who they are. I don't expect them to be like me. They are so different from me. And I don't think I really understood introverts before having children. Wasn't friends with a lot of introverts.

They were busy being introverted. Didn't know, didn't want to engage with your extrovertedness. You're loud and boisterous.

I was no, but I was just listening to Callie Hutchison and she was talking about Um, with the school supplies, they are part of the home team and they shop from home. Oh, I love that so much. So we— yes, um, bought a million school supplies last year, and you all know what happened. We didn't all get used, so they were home a lot last year. So we printed out the list finally for school supplies, and I was like, we can go school supply shopping. And then Ella and I looked over at this huge pile and We said, hmm, why don't we start here? Hours—

brilliant idea, by the way, because we had already bought all that stuff.

Hours and hours later, I think 2, 3 hours later, we had gone through stuff in all different directions, and we were like, oh my God, look at all this stuff we don't have to buy. And Lily, who was like, I will buy all new stuff, actually—

no, she will not—

actually got engaged with looking with Ella on a treasure hunt. And it felt like a treasure hunt. And yes, we are a home team supporting each other. And Ella goes— Ella is so sweet— she goes, look at all this money you're gonna save.

She— you did not tell me she said that. All right, that's my daughter.

She, she is so practical, like her father. And she's like, well, we should use what we have before we go shopping.

Warms my heart.

You can go thank her after this because she was so motivated to go through everything.

That's awesome.

So I was listening to Kelly Hutchison today. She has a fabulous podcast, Harmony in the Home, and she was talking about how she was like such an extrovert and that she's become more of an introvert. And I, and I feel that. I feel like I have moved, and I don't know if it's your influence, Ella's influence, Max's influence. But, um, I definitely understand introverts, and I think part of it is I really wanted to understand my children and what they needed. And Ella didn't want 10 friends over. She didn't want 5 friends over. She's like, can I invite my friend over? And she's like, I just want to have 1 or 2 people over. And that's how she operates. She gets overwhelmed and doesn't like to be overstimulated, and she's more of a one-on-one on one type of person. So I'm learning about my kids. I'm learning what makes them tick. I'm learning what makes them grow and happy. And I'm just trying to discover who they are and help them blossom as best as I can. So I will help Max with soccer and computers and whatever else he excels at. Um, I will help Ella on her journey to Broadway. Let's hope one day her dream comes true. And Lily likes a lot of things. So we will see where Lily's life takes her, but we will be her tour guides and we will help her grow and blossom the best that we can. Yes. So I hope that you can discover your kids' strengths with them and focus on their strengths. And you will find that your day is so much happier and smoother if you focus on their strengths than if you focus on what they're doing wrong.

And you'll get more of it when you focus on this either way. So you might as well focus on the good stuff.

Yes, totally agree. And I think since we've made some shifts, we've been happier.

Absolutely.

You agree?

Yes.

So come find me on Facebook. The Whiny, Fluesy Mom group. We talk about tips, we talk about challenges. It's open to you to talk about anything related to parenting and marriage. Come and find us. And I screwed up last week. I have to remember to check before I get on here. Last week was Leslie Lucy on the podcast. This week is Kimberly Swiatek. So if you tune in on Friday, which I would love, She's going to talk about Divorce My Way, um, and she's done a fabulous job navigating her way through divorce. Whether you're married, single, um, separated, divorced, you will learn something from her. So anything else, honey?

That's it.

Well, thank you so much for joining us. I forgot to call Lily. Is Lily around?

Ella? There we go.

Okay, don't fall down the stairs. Come on, they're waiting. Thank you for watching Winey Blues on Wednesday with the Green Family.

Cha-cha chicken!

Thanks everyone, have a wonderful week.