Whinypaluza Wednesday: Freeing Yourself From Cognitive Distortions

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

No need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday! Grab some wine and join us on Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family. We've got love, we've got laughs, and all the light, so tune in every Wednesday night. Okay, additional lyrics from Ella.

So you read my mind because I was I was just gonna ask you if you knew the line that she wrote.

I had her send it to me.

Did she write it?

Yes.

Ella, I love it. So our high schooler may have retired.

Was this an official notification? I did not get one.

Well, when she feels up to it, she's welcome to join in, but she does not feel up to it. Um, the early mornings, yes, might be part of it.

It could be.

I would say by 9 o'clock Ella's probably toast.

That could be.

I would say by 9 o'clock you and I are toast.

That is for sure. I'm doing it anyway. The show must go on.

I am.

What's up with my eyes? Are toasted. 9 o'clock at night.

I am really impressed with us for being awake.

Yes.

And doing this.

Yes.

So your eyes are done?

Yeah, it's like I can't look at the screen anymore.

Well, you are probably on the screen the entire day at work.

Yes.

Yeah. So this week's topic is freeing yourself from cognitive distortions. And I think that— I don't think that I have worked this hard on a blog topic in a long time.

That's impressive.

Hours and hours. So hopefully if you read it, you enjoyed it. There is a blog at wineinclusa.com that you can go read. And we are going to give you— I'm sure we're going to give you some extra content as we talk about it tonight.

Yes.

And I think that this topic is super important.

So Tayton has joined us along with some other people.

Yay, Tayton made it. Tayton told me that she doesn't have to get up. Is that her? I'm awake. Yay, we're both awake. I am really impressed that we're all awake. Tayton told me that she doesn't have to get up super early tomorrow.

So it's a party.

It's a party. It's a whiny-plooza party. So I love this topic because I love talking about the way that we think. And I'm fascinated by the way that we think. And I study people. I love the study of human behavior. It fascinates me. Max is talking about AP Bio and my eyes are glazing over. But if you want to talk about psychology with me, I'll talk to you all day.

He needs to take AP Psych.

He needs to take AP— why don't you switch AP Bio for AP Psych?

Not how it works. What do you think? They even offer it?

Okay, they do.

Oh, I didn't know this.

Weigh in, should Max drop AP Bio and switch it for AP Psychology? AP Bio gets a huge thumbs down from his mother so far. Okay, let's not say that on the live. Take it back, I'm not saying that. I give him a lot of credit. Anyways, back to the topic, cognitive distortions.

Distortions right now.

I'm having some distortions about AP Bio. For sure. Lots of them. So I tell my family not to make fun of me. They love to make fun of me. It's one of their favorite things to do. Whatever.

That's an exaggeration.

Well, let me, let me finish my sentence.

Sorry.

So what I was gonna say is that I tell my family not to make fun of me, but I'm giving Seth permission. This is the topic where you can make fun of me all you want. And all the, all the crazy thinking that your wife does, and all the distortions, and all the things where I go off to left field. Tonight is the night, Seth, you can make fun of me.

Oh man, you didn't prep me. I would have been ready for this.

I was so excited to tell you this.

Wow, it's live television.

I did not know this was happening. What is she saying? Give me an example. Lily's ready. My kid's favorite thing to say to me to make fun of me is give me an example because they say that when they talk to me, I'm always like, tell me an example. So what is a cognitive distortion? It's a negative way of thinking. They're negative patterns. They're exaggerated. They're irrational. Not how we want to think. We want healthy thoughts. We don't want irrational, exaggerated, negative thoughts. So I'm going to give you examples of things that I do. Seth can give you examples of things that he does. If you think of anything, jump in. But let's start with black and white thinking, because all or nothing thinking is black or white and white thinking. Why are you looking at me like that?

Because those are just logical fallacies. Okay, that could be another way of saying cognitive distortion.

Okay, so when I met Seth—

yep, I'm guilty of this—

I would say that Seth is— and I'm going to tell you what I'm the most guilty of because I'm guilty of a lot of them. This one, not so much. When I met Seth, the biggest thing that I noticed with him is he had this all-or-nothing thinking.

Yes, very black and white.

And he— everything felt like it was black and white when you were talking to him. And I said, You know, Seth, the world is gray. There's lots of shades of gray. And he would like refuse and he would be like, the world is not gray. And then we started to make a joke that the world is full of shades of pink.

Yes. Because you see the world through pink tinted glasses.

So the joke that Seth and I have had for almost 20 years now is that the world is pink.

Yes.

In an effort to help him with his black and white thinking. Do you feel like you have made progress?

I have loosened up a lot.

Yes. Do you agree?

You can make fun of me for that.

Do you agree? We're gonna make fun of each other. This is gonna be fun.

All right.

Do you agree that when I met you, there was a lot of black and white thinking?

I was all black and white. Okay, so you had, you, you had your work cut out for you.

So my son is right next to us, probably listening to this. Um, he's very, very perfectionistic. Okay. And one of the examples of black and white thinking is, you know, if you don't get an A on something, you're a failure. That's like a way of black and white thinking.

We're not saying he thinks like that.

No. Or for me to say something extreme to Seth, like, you never listen, right? Never listen to me. Do you have any personal examples considering you're guilty of this one?

Well, I don't like the never, always the 'this is it' extreme, unless it's positive, like 'I will always love you,' but that you always do— you never remember to take out the garbage. And I used to argue with you and say, 'I can remember at least one time in 20 years that I remembered to take out the garbage,' and that wouldn't go—

you always remember, you always remember to take out the garbage. Is that just an example? I'm like, 'You always take out the garbage.' Yes, but we had an—

I had an example earlier today of someone saying Well, if I start another business and I fail, then it proves I'm a failure and my first business was a fluke and I didn't really succeed. Wow.

Well, you've worked on that. And the interesting thing that I have read is that the people who are huge successes failed a lot to get there.

Yes.

So that has helped me.

Babe Ruth was also the strikeout king in addition to the home run king.

Okay, well, everything is going to kind of meld together, but the next one is overgeneralization. I guess I'm guilty.

Yep, maybe a little bit.

Um, I haven't really said this, but like an example would be if my dinner didn't turn out and I said I'm a terrible cook, or, you know, I—

right, when, when, when burnt dinner does not make you a bad cook, right?

But that's just an example. Yeah, I'm trying to think of an example that I have said.

You had an issue when you bumped a car and you were like, oh, I'm a terrible driver.

If I do anything wrong. Okay, so this is perfect because I want— I strive to be a perfect driver. I want to drive— I am not that person speeding. You're not going to find me speeding down Transit Road. Well, if I was speeding, it was like 54. I'm not like a speeder. So I am the one who's like not annoyed that the grandma is going super slow in front of me and all the cars are passing.

I'd like to give her credit for changing her mentality because when we first started dating, she used to yell at me and say, you drive like my grandma, can you speed up, hurry up, let's go. And she's come a long way.

Well, and I think that's because of kids. Yes, it's totally because of kids.

Yes.

So I, I—

does this mean you're gonna be a speed demon when they're all out of the house?

Next, I'll be— what? Nah, I don't think it took you too long to think of that. I would say I was trying to think about what I was trying to say. Okay, so I'm not speeding, I'm being super careful, and I really try to be a really good driver. And anytime I do anything wrong, I start to distort and I go to this place of, I'm a terrible driver. I think it's because it's so important to me to be safe and be a good driver that I like go to these— I like overgeneralize. I go to extremes. So yes, I— and I give myself a really hard time if there's like a slight little hiccup. Like, I forgot a couple things this morning and I was like, oh my God, you're such an idiot. I'm not an idiot.

And that's not good self-talk, right?

That's terrible self-talk. I don't want to teach my kids that, and I don't deserve that. And at least, at least we're going to talk about identifying them. At least now when I do it, I automatically go, hey, that's not how you talk to yourself. So mental filter. Okay, Seth will tell me 10 positive things in the day. You're beautiful. You're so sweet. You do so much.

Um, oh, that sounds like me. I know what is wrong when I am thinking it.

Yeah, like we don't want to call ourselves dumb or stupid or idiot or you know, any of those things. So Seth will tell me like 10 wonderful things. I love you. You're wonderful. Thank you for what you're doing. He'll say one little thing.

Yeah.

It doesn't matter that he said—

It's tiny in comparison to all the positive things I said.

Like he could just like say a little tiny thing. And I'm focused. I filter out—

A little tiny thing becomes a big thing.

Right. And I filter out all those good things he said all day. And I focus on the one tiny little— it's a tiny little—

I gotta be so careful. Don't ruin it. You're on a roll. Don't mess it up.

Well, because I care so much that I want everything you say to me to be positive, but that's not realistic.

I am not perfect.

And you're gonna have thoughts and you're gonna have suggestions.

What?

And you're gonna have, you know, criticism in a nice way, it's gonna happen. Like, can you not wake me up at 5:30 in the morning? It's his latest—

criticism. It was seriously—

no, but I—

you get so defensive.

But I— no, it's not that I'm defensive, it's that I care so much and I feel so bad that I wake you up.

So can I use that line when you tell me I'm being defensive?

Sure.

Well, you heard that, right? Exactly. Honey, it's not that I'm defensive, it's that I care so much.

Okay, how about discounting the positives?

Yes.

I feel like Max is guilty of that.

Yes.

I feel like my perfectionist is—

No, if he gets a 97, he's not focused on the 97. He's like, I missed 3 points.

I wonder if my dad was like that in school.

I wouldn't be surprised.

I have to ask him that question.

He strikes me as someone who might be very demanding of himself.

I remember him— I don't want to put my parents down, they're wonderful parents. Yes. I, I just remember him joking with me about the 98, like, where are the other 2 points? And he was joking with me, but you see that I remember.

And there's some truth to it.

But no, he was totally joking. He was so happy with the 98.

Then you don't say anything in my book.

I think he thinks, you know, people think they're funny.

You tell me. Okay, that's a whole separate— people— there's a cognitive distortion, me thinking I'm funny and her being hurt by what I said.

I mean, we tend to— like, people can give us like a bunch of compliments and we're like, ah, you know, we think it's all luck and whatever. No, give yourself some credit. Count the positives in our life. I feel like you've gotten better with that one. Yes, you agree?

I do.

Oh my God, this is me. This is all me jumping to conclusions. Mind reading, fortune telling. Okay, so before we talk about that, I think in our marriage we have made so much progress with this. We're not talking about necessarily distortions. We're talking about the fact that we have realized that we can't read each other's minds.

Yes.

And we have to be clear and specific.

I never thought I could read your mind, but you thought I could.

Well, because sometimes you can, so it throws me off.

So I should never do it successfully?

No, because you say stuff that I was I was gonna say that you knew I was gonna say. And then it's like, it's like I have to tell myself, like, don't expect that, right?

Because you would then go off to the races and think you should do that every time.

Okay, so now let's talk about it in terms of distortions. Yes. So I think I used to do this a lot, and the only reason why this stuff has changed is because I learned about it and became aware of it. Because, you know, someone doesn't text you back Oh my gosh, did I do something?

Are they mad at me? If you don't text her back right away, she's like, I think someone's so mad at me.

I'm like, why?

Because they haven't replied. No, they didn't tell me they got their text. It's been 3 hours.

I'm like, so that is old now, right? I'm saying now I know that we're all busy and they'll get back to me when they can, right? Okay, okay. Well, your parents texting back days later, right?

I was gonna say, I don't think they're mad at me.

I think they suck texting. That's a whole different conversation. Well, and like, that's a whole nother thing. Like, should I just call his parents? Because they don't seem to like texting.

We need to work on the grandparents texting.

What? Yeah, yeah.

I had an issue with the client today where I texted her to get a LinkedIn code yesterday And she said, don't text me, I'm not a teenager. Call me and ask me for it and I'll read it to you. It's like, seriously?

Um, a lot of people would much rather you call them than text them, and you have to be okay with that, right?

And there are people who would rather get a text message for 2 seconds.

I mean, I'll tell you, my mother was probably like, why is she calling me today? Because she would—

something wrong?

Why are you calling me? She didn't say that, but I'm sure she was like, she usually texts me, why is she calling me? So fortune telling is you're like, you're predicting. I said to, to Lily today, wait to find out tomorrow before you get upset. Seth always says to me, you don't know anything yet. We predict that something bad is going to happen, but we don't know anything, right? You're not— you do not do this stuff.

I do not. Not that one.

I do, yes, but I've gotten better.

You have.

I'm a work in progress, as we all are. Yes. Okay, magnification or minimization.

I'm guilty of this one.

Oh my gosh. Okay, so give me your example.

Well, you don't like it if I minimize your feelings.

Oh, I do not.

I've been working on that.

I don't really feel like you do that a lot.

I've gotten a lot better, so that's good that you're not upset about it actively. That means I improved.

But I think that you're uncomfortable with my feelings, which is why you do that.

That's interesting. I never thought about why I did it. I just—

I knew why.

It was pointed out to me that I was doing it. I knew why.

But you didn't tell me. That would have been helpful. I have—

You were expecting me to read your mind about my mind and figure it out and just take care of it for you.

So you make a bigger deal of things than they really are, or you make things smaller than they really are. So like, I'm trying to think of an example.

You do the maximization part.

Yeah, I do the maximum. I mean, magnification. I mean, I have a little one and I have a big one that I do. The little one that I do which I have improved immensely on, is I used to spill something and get so upset, like, what a mess, like, so upset with myself for making such a big mess that I now have to clean up, to the point that Seth would be like, just go and I'll clean it up, this isn't a big deal.

Oh, but I was minimizing your big feeling right there.

No, but I— but your calmness. Okay, I chose Seth. For so many reasons, one of which is his calmness. And I spill something all over the floor, glass breaks everywhere, liquid everywhere, and he's calm as a cucumber. And I'm like, is this really a big deal? It's a pain in the ass, and I don't want to clean it up. And if I'm in a hurry, then it's a really pain— big pain in the ass. And the pets. I worry about the pets and the glass, but really not a big deal. You just clean it up. And Seth taught me that.

Thank you, honey.

And I've gotten better at that, much better. And I'm trying to teach my kids. My kids, they've gotten better. Yes, but they do spill stuff a lot all over the place. They do water all over the place. They have their water glasses all over the island, always on the edge, and it's always on the edge, and it goes Everywhere. Okay. So what do I do? That's like a little example.

Yes.

A bigger example is like the physical stuff, you know, like something will hurt and I'll be like, oh no.

Yes. She goes to the, what if there's something wrong with me place. My head hurts. Oh my God. What if there's something wrong with me? I'm like, did you drink enough water? Did you eat enough? Did you get any sleep? No, no, no. You're right. It's probably a brain tumor. Hey, just have a cup of water.

I did not— I do not think that—

you're right, you never use the words like that. You just say, what, there's something wrong?

I, I wish I could think of it like an actual— it wasn't like a headache, it was like something else. I wish I could give them an actual example, but something hurt and I went off to the races.

Yes.

And I was like, oh my God, what if something's wrong? And Seth is always like, here we go. But yes. Oh, I don't go on Google.

No, Google would be a big problem. I would not let her on Google.

I do not go on Google because then we'll just feed the neurosis. No, that would— I just tell myself calmly that everything is okay, and he helps because he's like, oh God. And I'm like, see, he's— he knows you're being ridiculous. You're being ridiculous, so cut it out. But it's such a—

I can't say that I'm being— you're being ridiculous because then I'm minimizing your feelings.

No, but you know, but you being like, oh God, like every time.

Is it that obvious? Yes, I gotta hide it better. Yes.

Every time I say something like that, you're like, oh my God.

Well, now the kids are used to it, which is really— which, which is bigger deal when they're like, here you go, Mom.

What are you talking about?

You did it the other day and you're like, what if there's something wrong?

Well, but what was that complaining about?

Something you— it was physical, something hurt, I don't know. And anyway, never mind.

I wish I could remember.

There might have been a child that poked fun at you.

I am not the only mom who does this. I have heard other moms tell me that they do this to the extreme.

And I'll—

and I'll—

well, at least you're not a hypochondriac, right? You're not calling the doctor every time. We're not going to the emergency room because you stubbed your toe.

No, I usually say, what if something's wrong? And then I look at your face and I'm like, stop being a schmuck, you're fine. Like, cut it out. And yeah, Tanner, back up.

Okay, sorry, emotional, the wrong way.

Let's move to emotional reasoning. You're reasoning with yourself to feel negative.

Okay, explain this one. What do you mean by this to me?

Are you trying to move the dog?

I'm trying to let the dog get through. We have too much equipment in the way. You keep going.

Okay, so an example is, I feel stupid, therefore I am stupid. So you have a feeling. So that— so you think, okay, can you stop making so much noise? If you saw what was going on right now, this is real life, people. This is real life. The golden retriever trying to get through all the cords. What a setup. Focus. Okay, you have a feeling it's coming back. You have a feeling.

Yeah, I'm having some feelings right now.

They're negative, and therefore you think it's real. Okay, I don't think either of us do this, but I do know people who do this.

Okay, so what do you mean by a negative feeling that's real?

I said you have a negative feeling, so you think— you, you think that you have the, the thought that you're stupid.

Oh, got it, got it.

Okay. Or do I have another example? I'm trying to think of an example. Oh, I guess, I guess I do do this. I'm overwhelmed, so I can't do this. I had this thought in the garage.

Oh yes, we did do this.

But you know what? We have patterns. We identify the patterns, and then we can change them. So I recognized it right away. I was going, we cleaned out the garage, We have a bunch of pool stuff to fit into the garage because we're going to close the pool. We got to move stuff into the garage, so we have to clean out the garage to make room for the new stuff. Thank you for finishing my sentence because I didn't have it. So I read your mind again. Seth is like busy, busy, busy working. I go to the garage to help him and I look around and I'm totally overwhelmed. And I was like, this is your pattern. Like you get overwhelmed and you freeze. And I have the thought, I can't do this. Overwhelmed, freeze, I can't do this. So what I could do is turn around, walk back in the house and say, forget it, I can't do it. It's too overwhelming. What I did instead was I worked on myself. And I identified that anxious, overwhelmed feeling that I get. And I was like, it's okay. Seth and Lily are helping. You have help. You're not doing this alone. Step by step, you're going to get this done together.

Yeah, I had two moments during that 3 and a half hours where I was like, oh my God, there's so much crap in here. There's no way we're going to get this done by the Bills game, which is my— which was my imaginary deadline. And I took a deep breath and I was like, you're not doing it by yourself. You have help. And if you don't get it done by the end of the bill— by the Bills game, you could do some at halftime, you could do some at the end. You'll, you'll finish it before we move pool stuff in. It'll be okay.

Yeah, so you were doing the same thing because it's overwhelming.

There was a lot. I did— you don't realize how much stuff is in there until you start pulling literally every single thing out and putting it in the driveway. I was like, she needs to be able to park in the driveway sometime the next year.

And I have similar thoughts when I go in the basement. So what I say is box by box, like take it box— like you don't have to do the whole basement You don't have to do every box in one day. That would be impossible. That would be like 24 hours of work, probably, or more. Or more. So I'll just take it box by box.

Yes.

Right, right.

So we reason ourselves into a negative state, but you can also reason yourself into a positive state.

Yes, that's, that's how you were doing. Yes. Okay, should statements.

Seth, yeah, you should all over yourself.

We, we, a lot of us should all over ourselves. I should be doing this. I should be this. I should be better at this. I should have been able to do that. No shoulds. Can we remove them? Yes. Do you should all over yourself?

A little bit, but most mine is mostly work stuff.

Do you think that women do it more than men?

For sure. You are also stereotypically more critical of yourselves than we are.

Yes. Well, we shouldn't generalize, but—

oh, look at that. I just should in. You got me.

Okay, so labeling.

I set you up.

Labeling. I sit down on the couch, therefore I'm lazy. And I tell myself, oh my God, I hate when my friends do this. They call themselves lazy, or they call themselves stupid, or they label themselves something negative.

No, negative.

Oh, I hate that so much.

You're the least lazy person I know. You need to be more lazy.

Okay, now for the one that I'm probably most guilty of. Personalization. And blame. I don't think that I blame as much as I personalize, but I have identified it.

Okay, so what is personalization?

Okay, you blame yourself for things that are not your fault, or you blame other people for things and you don't take any responsibility for it.

Okay.

Okay. So give me an example. Oh, I have the perfect example that I used to do with you all the time. And it took me a long time to catch on to this pattern. You would come home from work in a bad mood, and I would take it so personally, and I would be like, what did I do? And why is he in such a bad mood? And I would totally personalize it. And after about 50 times—

I read a woman in a bad mood down there.

No, no, first of all, it's been 20 years.

Okay, fair enough.

Okay, so, so 5 times 20 is 100. Oh, so let's say 5 times a year. Yeah.

Okay. Yes, I am sure that in 240 workdays I have— okay, 1, 2% that might not be go.

So, okay, so if it's been 100 days in 20 years.

Yep.

And if that took me about 50 times. Okay. All right. So I'm right here.

You are statistically—

I am statistically valid. It took me about 50 times. So it took me about 10 years.

I'm gonna give you more credit than that.

No, it's okay. I think it took me about 50 times, really. I would personalize it and be like, what? What? Why is he acting like this? And I finally caught on that it had nothing to do with me, and it was about stuff that happened at work that he didn't leave at work. Yes, that he brought home with him.

Sorry about that.

So I personalized it.

You did.

You know, or like when I blame you for something and I don't take any responsibility for it. I don't do that a lot. I usually know we both have, you know—

ah, you're talking about that kind of stuff.

We usually both have a part in something. It's usually not one of our faults.

Is one of your cognitive distortions on that list blaming me for something that is not my fault?

Yes.

That's good.

Uh, I think moving your stuff. So here's the problem we have here. When your husband moves your stuff—

oh my God.

For, for years.

8 times out of 10, I don't move it.

Okay, so if he moves your stuff in the past, then you think when you can't find something that it's his fault, and then he moved it and didn't tell you and you can't find it. So then I feel terrible if I find it and realize I'm the person who moved it.

Yes, it's a conspiracy.

Or I moved it somewhere that I thought was a better place for it. I don't remember, but I can't find it. Because, you know, we don't want the surfaces to be a mess, so we move things into organized places. But the mess makes it easy to find.

I think you got a few distortions in that sentence, but I'm not touching them. I'd like to stay married. Oh boy.

So anything from Anything from— we didn't talk about catastrophizing. I didn't write about catastrophizing, and then I realized I didn't write about it, and I didn't feel like going back and adding it.

Is that making everything a catastrophe?

Yeah, like you, you take— okay, so like you stub your toe and you think you broke your toe, you know, like you make things, you make little molehills mountains. Yes. Okay, so We're going to address these and we're going to identify them. So journaling is amazing. Start to write down what you're noticing yourself doing. What patterns are you noticing? Have some compassion for yourself.

Be nice to yourself.

Be nice to yourself. I will tell you a million times on these vlogs that we are so kind and understanding of everyone in our lives. Oh, you forgot something? It's no big deal. We would tell someone if someone forgot something, we would be like, oh, that's okay. But if we forget something, how hard are we on ourselves?

I forgot my crowd bag yesterday.

You did?

I did. I thought about— I realized it when I got in my car at work to go. I was like, I could run home and get it. I'm like, I'm gonna miss like 15, 20 minutes. I'll just go. It's a Tuesday. I didn't need pads. Um, and I borrowed somebody else's knife for the knife drill. It's like, it'll be all right, I'll travel light today.

You know that you could text me.

I wasn't gonna make you run it to me when you were about to leave with— gonna leave with like Lily 20 minutes later. I wasn't gonna say grab it and meet me at Croft. I wouldn't do that. You drive enough.

I totally would have.

If it had been a Thursday, I would have had to come home because I wouldn't need to pass this bar, but I forgot something and I was like, ah crap, And that lasted about 30 seconds.

Okay, well, I am giving you permission. I'm not giving you more work that if you forget something, you can tell me.

No, because then you'll fix it. I didn't want you to fix it.

I had time to—

I wasn't giving you more work to do.

I had time to fix it.

Who's on the podcast Friday?

I'm not done with my—

oh, give me some more stuff then.

I am so not done, but I will try really hard to wrap this up.

No, it's okay. I, I was confused.

Thinking in terms of shades of gray.

Yes.

Okay, we're gonna move from black and white to shades of gray.

Yes.

We're gonna ask people, we're gonna survey people. You think you're a bad mom? What is— what do other people think of you? Start asking questions to challenge your distortion, because other people are not thinking of you the way that you're thinking of yourself.

Yes, you are harder on yourself than other people.

And we're going to look for evidence. So if you think you're stupid, I bet you there is no evidence to that.

There's probably evidence that you're pretty smart.

You could find evidence that you're the opposite of stupid. And guess what? What you look for, you will find. So let's look for things to challenge the distortions instead of looking for things to make the distortions real. Right?

Yes, we're gonna look for things that make us feel good and help us.

I love this one: focus on solving the problem versus who's to blame for the problem. So we can get stuck on whose fault it is, or what you did. I mean, like, think about even when you and I are fighting, it's like, okay, who cares who did what?

I did it.

This is the issue. How are we going to solve it?

We're going to buy the right tickets.

We're gonna focus on what the problem is versus the fact that's— versus we're not gonna talk, we're not gonna focus on the fact that Seth bought the wrong tickets, right? We're gonna focus on the fact that it happened, it's over. Now how are we gonna solve it? Yes, you're good at that. You are so good at solving problems. Yes, sometimes that annoys you because I just want to solve the problem and you Okay, so if I'm perseverating on the issue, you are welcome to say to me, why don't we move to solving it? And that—

this is on tape, this is recorded, and that will make you feel better. Say that. I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna—

gotta shift.

I'm gonna— I'm gonna say one of your favorites, transformational vocabulary.

Yes.

So we talked about stubbing your toe.

Yes.

You, you, you hurt your toe a little bit.

Yes.

Versus I hurt my toe so much and it hurts so much and it's throbbing. Like my toe hurts a little bit versus my toe is throbbing.

Oh my God, it's on fire.

Or Seth and I got in a little fight. It's okay.

You're a wee bit aggravated with me.

I got a little upset with him. Not, I'm so mad at you.

Oh my God, you were enraged. You could have killed me.

You're good at this.

Yes.

Okay, we're gonna ask ourselves questions. Is how we're thinking working for us? Is it making us feel how we want to feel?

I have improved on many of these in my intentional journey to be less anxious and stressed. I am much more aware of my pattern.

Do you feel like being aware of your patterns is helping you? I feel like it's helping me.

Helps me.

It helps you.

Yes.

So we're becoming aware, we're using these methods to challenge ourselves, and we're replacing it.

She says yes.

Awesome. So when I said to myself this morning, that I was an idiot because I forgot to do something yesterday. What I could have said was, "It's okay, you forgot something, not a big deal. You'll do it right now." There you go. So I'm replacing how I'm talking to myself.

Awesome.

So I hope that this was helpful. I hope you took something away. I would love to hear from you of which one you're— you think you're most guilty of, because I think that's the beginning of changing.

Yes.

And my, my advice is pick one, pick one thing to focus on. Like, for me, I focused on personalization and, and not taking things so personally, and then using these methods to get rid of it. So you asked me who's on the podcast.

I did.

Friday is Leslie Cohen Rubery. Did I say that right? Rubery. And she is helping us to understand our children better, so you're gonna love her. Why is it so funny?

Because it was just posted in the chat for you.

Well, Tayton, for the first time in a long time, I looked it up.

She checked it out ahead of time. She was prepared.

Tayton listens to these every week. And I'm like, Tayton, are you on here? Do you know who's on the podcast on Friday? So what I need to do is I need to put an alert on my phone at 8:30 every Wednesday.

There you go.

And the alert needs to say, look up who's on the podcast. So Leslie is on the podcast. She was wonderful to talk to. I loved her. So smart, so entertaining, and you're gonna love her. So please listen, please, um, comment rate, review, all the goodness. And I would love for you to share these with a friend. So share it, share this with a friend, tag a mom you know who you think maybe distorts a little, and you could help them. You don't have to tell them that they distort, just say this, this, this was—

this was helped me. Check it out, I'd love to hear what you think.

Okay. So anything else, honey?

Thank you for watching Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family.

Thank you everyone, have a wonderful week.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.