Whinypaluza Wednesday - How People Treat Us!

Hello everyone! Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday! Ella—

No need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday! Let's have some wine and join us on Winey Palooza Wednesday with The Green Family! Chop chop chop-chop! Oh no!

It's okay, you can fix it. Thank you, Ella! Yep! Hello everyone, let's see how many family members I can get in. Who's scooching in? Okay, we're trying to all fit in. We're waiting for people. Um, I'm gonna tell you our topic and I'm gonna tell you our winner.

I don't, um, later make sure people tune in.

Yeah. You're so much better at this than I am. So we're gonna start with the topic, and I will tell you the winner— it was very hard to pick— from our contest from last week. So our topic this week is how people treat you, and this is something that is something that I've had to work on since I was younger. It's something that doesn't come naturally to me. To realize what I deserve and who I deserve in my life. And I interviewed, oh, I said it. Okay, I'm gonna try not to say, I'm gonna pay attention. I interviewed Kelly Hutchison for my podcast. And she told me she was a recovering people pleaser. And I laughed so hard, I have never related to someone more than I did in that moment, because I think I'm doing so much better. But I think that I have a lot of work to do. And we were discussing that people wear people pleaser like it's like this badge of honor. And I felt totally the opposite way. And I felt like it was a weakness. And I felt like I was spreading myself too thin. Okay. So, um, before I move on to what I want to teach my children, but my children will learn from what I'm about to say. There's an important exercise that I think we all need to do, and we put ourselves in the center of the middle circle, and then we draw circles around us, and we prioritize what is most important to us. Like, maybe it's your, your family, like my kids and my husband. Maybe it's your church or your temple, maybe it's work, maybe it's your parents, your friends, draw circles and label them. And as you're going out further and further and further, you can look at what do you prioritize, what is most important to you, so that you can adjust your energy so that you're not so spread thin, giving yourself to everyone and saying yes to everyone. And realizing who is most important to you and where you wanna focus. Does that make sense, ladies? Yeah. So, not people pleasing, that's lesson number 1. Learning how to say no is a skill. Learning how to focus on the most important things in your life, which brings me to teaching your children. We talk about kindness. I wore my, I don't know if you can see it, but I wore my Be Kind shirt on purpose. And if you go to the store, there's tons and tons of merchandise that says kindness, and kindness seems to be the new it word. And I love the word. I think the word kind— am I— I'm like boring my—

You're not boring us, we're cuddling.

I think the word kind is a wonderful word, and I think it's important to be kind and to teach your children to be kind. But I feel like we focus so much on teaching our children to be nice and, you know, give the toy back, which I don't think we should do, and let them have what they want, and be nice to your friends. And we're not teaching them to stand up for themselves, and we're not teaching them to say no. And I really focus on the fact that, yes, I want to raise good people, and I want them to put goodness out into the world. I want to raise good human beings, but I want them to be able to stick up for themselves. I want them to be able to set boundaries with people, and I want them to learn the hard word no. And it's not so hard for some people. My mother has always been good at that word.

My mother had a book I remember when I was a teenager called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.

Yes, I— my parents have that book. In fact, I think I even might have read that book, so I should read it again. No, but, but, um, you know, it's, it's just we want to surround ourselves. We want our kids to choose their friends wisely. We want our kids to choose their significant others wisely. I just find that one of the things that I have talked to my children about is that I find that I take too long to break up with someone. And I mean that whether it was a boyfriend and I knew, and I knew the relationship was over, and I saw the red flags, and I didn't do anything about it. Or it applies to friendships too. And I started to get choosier, I think, the older that I got. And I think when we're young, we don't realize that we choose our friends and we choose, you know, we choose our significant other. Do you remember when you were younger and it was like, oh, so-and-so likes comes to you and you just like are dating and you didn't really pick them. Do you remember that?

I don't. I did not have that situation. Uh, perhaps that's a Rebecca thing.

Oh, okay.

I—

okay, that's interesting. But, um, I think as we get older, we realize that we are letting people into our lives and we are choosing the people in our lives. And I wrote this line that made myself laugh that I'm going to share with you. Okay, we don't want to be a doormat. We want to be a welcome mat, but we want to be careful who we welcome into our lives.

That's good.

So we want to welcome people in, but we want to welcome the right people in.

Amen.

Right? Yes. So I started to notice that I don't care if I agree with my friends. I don't care if we have the same political views. I don't care if we have the same religious views. Um, I don't care if we have the same health and wellness views. You know, I come from a family— my parents have a health food store and my brother and sister-in-law are chiropractors. So I don't— I tend to lean towards the holistic side of things, but I still like to talk to my medically minded friends and hear what they have to say about things.

You can always learn something from everybody, right?

So I think that that, you know, for me, it isn't that I have to agree with someone. It's just a whole mutual respect thing. Can we have a conversation? Sorry, Ella, I'm not trying to block you. I'm sorry, I'm trying to get you all in. For me, it isn't having to agree with someone. It's can we treat each other with respect? And can we have a friendship that, you know, treats each other well? And I think that when I see red flags with people, I tend to be too forgiving. And I tend to be— I tend to lean on the side of being too nice. And I think that we have to be able to set boundaries with people. I think we have to be able to realize who, who treats us well, who doesn't treat us well, who do we want to spend our time with, who don't we want to spend time with. And if we choose not to be friends with someone, that's okay. It doesn't mean, you know, we still wish them well. It just means maybe they aren't someone that we want in our lives.

You don't have to be friends with everybody. Everybody doesn't have to like you. And I think people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Yes, that's an excellent point. And I forgot about that line, and I love that line. And Ella, you said you had something you wanted to say. Do you want to share?

Uh, sure. I wanted to talk about standing up for myself against my sister.

I'm trying to teach— you know, Lily is teaching Ella to be strong.

That's an awesome way to look at it.

Go ahead, Ella. I love you. Go ahead, Ella.

Okay, so sometimes me and Lily will fight, and I and she will make fun of me, and I will just— and I won't really do anything because I think, oh, he doesn't mean it, or something. But I need to be better at telling her that what she's doing is wrong and teaching her so that it stops happening.

I love that. And Ella and I had a really good conversation yesterday about this— or was it today? It might have been today. We were talking about how it's not so much about discipline, it's about teaching. I think discipline puts kids on the defensive. Um, Seth, there's a whole podcast about discipline and how we do it wrong that I will— I would love to share with you, and I should have written it down so that I could share with everyone, but it talks about how we're creating the rebellion, we're creating the resistance, and that discipline is the wrong word. It's kind of like teachable. So yes, Ella, you're— we're gonna teach your sister appropriate boundaries and how to treat you and other people, right? But it also goes the other way, Ella. And, you know, I was talking to you and Max at dinner, and you need to be able to, um, be direct with people. Like, I think that what I find with Max and Ella is they go around like a backdoor, passive way. And so— and I was like that, so I think I, I catch it and relate to it very well. That's why I see it. And so I'm trying to teach— Max and Ella are so nice and so sweet that sometimes they're not being direct with people. Would you agree with that?

Yes.

I think that you're better at saying no than I ever was, Ella, so I give you credit. Yeah, I give you credit. I really do. And I want to talk, I want to talk about social media. I made notes from my blog. I did write a blog on this today, and I spoke about social media. And what I want to say about it is, as our kids, you know, it's such a different— you guys are so distracting. I'm sorry. As we— our kids are living in such a different world than we did, and we didn't have to deal with Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, TikTok. I, I knew I forgot one. Um, whatever else is next. And I keep telling them that, you know, not only do I want them to— I want them to be kind, I want them to be able to set limits and boundaries with people, and I also want them to be super careful about what they put out into the universe. And we talk about this all the time because I have seen text messages and went, "Oh no, I have to talk to my children." Every single text message should be a text message that a parent could be okay reading. Anyone can read your text messages. Anyone can see what you're posting. We, we have future employ— you have future employers who can look at stuff. Seth, you talk to people about this all the time. This is your thing, right?

Yes.

And also college admissions offices are now looking at your kids' social media as part of their applications and denying people admission based on what they see on social media. So it not only affects your college chances, but also again, yeah, we— it affects your job chances. So don't post anything you wouldn't want your grandmother to read. How about that?

Grandmother, employer, principal, anyone.

Lily has something to say.

Sorry, Lily, go ahead.

[Speaker] And if what, like, in my dream, my mom has told me that one of your friends could, if you said something bad, they could show it to the principal or teacher.

[Speaker] Yeah, I just want them to think, would I be okay with anyone reading this before they post anything, right? We talk about this all the time. So set limits. But do it in a nice, firm, polite way. Yes? I also wanted to talk about taking things personally.

Okay.

Before you move on, of the showing texts to the principal topic, technically that shouldn't be allowed because of personal information, but that's a different story.

Yes, that is a whole other conversation.

There is no privacy. You know, it's so funny because because somebody said to me this past weekend that they give their daughter privacy and they don't check their texts and they feel like they're old enough and they trust them. And I agree with that, and I realize I didn't tell her something important, so I will tell her. I don't think of any of it as private, and it's kind of scary that I feel that way.

I—

she's looking at her daughter's phone as privacy. I don't think there is privacy. I think anyone can see anything, right? Right. So I don't want them texting, you know, their friend and thinking everything they're saying is private. I mean, we text so much now. I always see my kids texting, and I am trying to teach them appropriate— be appropriate. Anyone can read it. Moving on.

Yes.

Taking things personally. So we talked about being kind, we talked about setting limits. When people are upset with you, whether it's your husband, your daughter, your friend, what I'm realizing more and more, and The Five Agreements is that fantastic book that I need to read again. And it talks about not taking anything personally. And I just wanted to say that usually, all the time, it's never really about us. And I try so hard to remember that. And the couple of examples off the top of my head are, you know, Seth comes home from work. I don't know that he had a bad day. We haven't even talked about it yet. He's in a terrible mood. And I just kind of think to myself, what is going on with him? What is this about? I didn't, I didn't do anything. So I know he's not mad at me. Or Ella's all snappy and it has nothing to do with me. Or, you know, a friend is taking out frustration on me. It's really never about us. It's rare that we have done something to trigger it. And I'm not gonna say you're perfect and you're never gonna upset someone, but also the degree of the reaction— how much are they reacting? Are they reacting so big that it doesn't seem appropriate? And that's when the flags should go off in your head. And the questions to ask is, what is going on? What, what need are they not getting met? What problem are they dealing with in their life? And I really am trying to teach my children that they have had people upset with them. And there's been a lot of stuff going on in their friends' lives that I know about, that I have talked to them about. And I have said, well, she has X, Y, and Z going on with her family. So it makes sense that she's been very grumpy lately. That's just an example. Do you have more that you've You look like you have more to say. No? Okay, should I move on?

Yes.

Okay, so can I summarize and tell the contest winner? Yes. I don't know if the— I can't see. Facebook keeps changing things, okay? I don't know what is going on, Seth. I used to be able to see everyone. I used to be able to wave to everyone. I have no idea. It needs to stop changing because I learn stuff and then they update and then I'm clueless.

List.

Yeah, so we're gonna teach our children and ourselves to be kind. We're, we're not going to be doormats. We're going to be welcome mats who welcome in the right people into our lives. We're going to choose our friends wisely. I don't want my children to take as long as I did to break up with people, whether it's a boyfriend or a friend. That, um, is still something that I'm learning.

Friends, not me.

No, no, Daddy's forever. But I was in relationships before Daddy and like took forever to break up with people, and that's not how it should be. So we will talk more about that. That's another lesson for Ella and I to talk about, and Lily and Max. So contest winner, drum roll! We did, we did contest last week, and we, I shared, we all shared our goals for the year that we have been working on, and it's something that we're gonna work on every day, every week, every month, and I'm super excited because one of the things that we discussed is that we are every Wednesday minimum after Winey Palooza, we're going to go do family meditation. So we have a once a week goal. So that's at least starting somewhere, right? So we shared all of our goals and we did a contest and we said, please share your goal for the year, something specific, something inspiring. We will pick a winner and the winner will earn $100 to DoorDash. That's what I'm gonna do. And we, well, and we love DoorDash, Seth, was so kind to get me DoorDash tonight, so I did not have to cook dinner. That's one of my favorite things. So I want to share that with you because I know how wonderful it is to have a night off of cooking. So we had some really inspiring goals. It was so hard for me to choose, so I had to get help. And we had someone wanting to give more to charity, which was really moving. We had someone using their planner more so that they felt more ahead and together instead of scattered and behind. We had, um, someone has a goal of meditating more and she gave us the specifics. And all of these goals, I loved reading them. I so appreciate you sharing. So inspiring. I love hearing what people are working on. But we did pick, is it Mary Beth Bentwood? Did I say that right? And Her goal was so specific and inspiring, and I'll tell you why. She wants to do a new— she wants to start a new podcast once a month. One time a month is her goal, teaching entrepreneurs how to do their own PR. And I'll tell you why I was so moved and impressed with her. I loved how specific it was. I loved how realistic it was. It wasn't, I'm gonna do a podcast every day. She's gonna start with her goal of once a month, and I know that it's scary to start something new. When Seth asked me about starting a podcast, I said no way. I always— why do I say no to you when you suggest something?

I don't know, you should really look at that.

Okay, I'm gonna change that. So I know it's a scary new world, and I'm impressed with her for going into it, so I want to encourage encourage her by choosing her as the winner. But I loved all the goals. I loved them all. I had so much trouble picking, and I appreciate it. I appreciate your, um, participation. I lost the word.

Mary Beth needs to message you her email address so we can send her DoorDash.

I'll contact her. We'll get in touch with Mary Beth. But the excitement with the contest was so fun that I'm totally gonna do more. That was a great thing and would love ideas if there's something that you would love to win or something that you would love to see as a contest. And what is this Friday? This Friday's podcast is Jennifer Blossom from the Blossoming Moms podcast, and she was a joy to talk to. I'm, you know, I'm learning so much and having so so much fun and have just found such a fun groove with doing this for you once a week. So thank you for watching my vlog. Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for watching the podcast. Anything else? Listening, listening to the podcast, but you can watch it on YouTube.

What?

I totally missed that.

She's very excited for us to get Mary Beth DoorDash.

Oh yes, we love DoorDash. Okay, so Lily, end us out, baby. Thank you for watching. Thank you everyone, see you next week.