Whinypaluza Wednesday - It all comes down to communication

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There's— look, there's my comment. I'll show the comments. Okay, there you go. I'll take care of the comments. Okay, I'm ready. So Danielle Lynn Hartman is here. Hi, Danielle.

Hi, Danielle. Um, so don't interrupt me every 2 seconds or I won't get a thought out.

I won't interrupt you. Okay, maybe every 4 seconds.

So this week, uh, our topic is it's all about communication.

And oops, folks, you gotta click the StreamYard link so we can see who's commenting because right now we don't know who's talking. What's shaking bacon?

Who said what's shake and bacon? I have to know. That is amazing. Thank you for making me laugh. I am astonished how awake I am right now, and I want to tell you why.

Why are you so awake, honey?

No, I want to tell you why I'm astonished.

Oh, why are you astonished?

Because, you know, we're back into the school schedule, and I don't know if Max or Seth or Ella is having this issue, but we get up really early.

Yes, I'm having this issue.

And, and, right, but, but let me get it out before you respond.

Okay, Danielle is who said what, shake and bake?

Okay, so the goal is to get up around 6, but what time am I waking up? 5 something, around 5. So I'm not— my body hasn't adjusted. I'm getting up super early, can't go back to sleep. I've been up since 5 5 o'clock, I'm, I'm still awake. I'm still awake. So are you having that issue, or am I just waking you up?

You are waking me up. I'm not getting up at 5 without you.

Okay, well, I apologize. I'm trying to be really quiet. Am I not being successful?

Um, it doesn't— I don't know that it's the noise. I mean, you physically move. I have to get out of the bed. The blankets move, like, right?

For the record, I try to stay in bed till 6.

If you gotta pee, you gotta pee.

Okay, well anyways, moving on. I'm awake. Somehow I'm awake. Let's see if I can sleep till 6 o'clock tomorrow.

That'd be one.

Max, are you having this issue? Max is not listening. Max is— Max is not listening. Max is playing some sort of football game in the same room. So we are back in the schedule. Feels like we never left the schedule. And, um, I'm back into the groove of things. Well, you're not back into the groove of things, but we'll get you back into the groove of things. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I will try hard to sleep later. I will try. I will put it in my mind tonight when I go to sleep. You will sleep till 6 o'clock. I'll do some mind games.

I'll try and get myself to sleep even later than that.

Okay, so where did the topic come from? So the topic tends to come from my life every week. Either someone requests it, or someone mentions something, or a conversation happens with a family member or a friend. So stuff comes up, and that's where my topics come from. So I was confiding in a friend recently, um, some, some thoughts and issues that I was having. And as I was confiding in her and telling her, my goal was to get advice. So sometimes we want to just vent Yeah. And sometimes we really don't know what to do.

We're looking for direct advice or help solving a problem. It's crazy.

Well, and, and I think that we need to do that and we need to— you can vent, vent away, but don't vent away 10 times, right, over the same issue because that doesn't get you anywhere. It does not. So I vented to my friend about the issues that I was having and she said, the magic line. And if she's listening, she will know what I'm talking about. And what she said was, "It all comes down to communication." And a light bulb went off, and I was back in social work group supervision. We all talked about our cases, and whether it was a family or a marital couple, or no matter what issue we were talking about, it used to always be some sort of communication issue the family was having. So maybe the marital couple wasn't talking things out, or they weren't talking things out effectively, or the mom and the son were just screaming at each other. And over and over again, we would talk about the communication issues. So when she said this to me, I was like, ding, ding, ding, isn't that always what it comes down to? So what kind of communication issues do I experience and do I see? And I want you— I did write this out in a blog at whinyplusa.com if you want to read it. I wrote out tons of communication issues and how to address some of them. And so go read it and Seth, chime in with whatever I don't think of.

I'm going to chime in.

Okay. So some of the issues are avoidance, avoiding talking about something, maybe talking about something too harshly or too critically.

So how you say what you say, how you say it is so important.

Maybe you didn't explain yourself well. Maybe you gave a little bit.

And perhaps maybe you shouldn't blame the receiver who didn't understand what you were saying. Perhaps you should calmly re-explain it in a different way so that they get it.

Speaking of my wonderful husband, he does not like when I stonewall, which is not communicating, shutting down.

Yes, I don't like the silent treatment.

I get emotionally overwhelmed and feel like I can't speak, which is crazy. I feel like the people who really care about us and want to be in our lives want to have the hard conversations. So that is my line. Jamie is quoting me. I guarantee you that's Jamie because I just sent her my blog and she read it and she told me that that was my best line from the blog. So we might be afraid of offending someone or afraid of having the hard conversations. But what I was explaining is that the people who care about you and want to be in your lives want to have the hard conversations with you and want to know how they might be hurting you and what's upsetting you and how can you work through it together. As far as my husband is concerned, he does not like when I use words like never, always, should. Those are absolutes, not the best ways of communication. I don't love when he gets defensive. I mean, there's so many communications. Yeah, he like gets pricky and I don't want to talk to him anymore. So I shut down.

I get freaky, she shuts down.

That's our dynamic is he gets prickly, I shut down.

Which I have been working on a lot.

Hey, I— we both— okay, there is the excellent point right there. So what we— what doesn't work is for me to say Seth is doing X, Y, and Z, and he needs to change, and that's not working for me. We don't have control over how other people communicate. We only have control over how we communicate. So we can work on how we can communicate better. And we can evaluate, okay, what do we think that we might not do very effectively when we communicate? I think sometimes I get too passionate and loud for my family. And I don't think I'm even yelling. I think I'm just feeling very passionate, like I'm feeling—

she's a very intense person.

I'm passionate. I'm passionate about love and happiness. And that also goes the other way. And I can be passionate about my sadness, my anxiety. I can get angry. But I told my kids, they don't really know what yelling is. I don't want to teach them what yelling is, but they'll say to me, you're yelling. I'm not yelling. I'm passionate. I feel passionate.

Your perception, you're not yelling, right? Because you have experienced people yelling much louder.

Yeah. Okay. So in my head, I'm not yelling.

Right. We don't always perceive you the way you perceive yourself. And vice versa.

Yeah. So I think that if I want to be effective, I need to be calm. Too passionate and loud, birds of a feather.

That is Jamie.

I knew that was Jamie. Yeah. And my kids don't respond well to that. So I have to— so instead of saying my kids need to do X, Y, and Z, I need to look at myself and say, okay, It doesn't work for them if I get too passionate and if I get too loud. So I know I need to stay as calm as I can in a conversation when possible. So which brings me to our bodies and being aware of our bodies. So what I mean by that is when you are feeling really intense, like you're angry, You're sad, you're anxious, you want to— you can feel that you want to lash out at people. Like, I know for me, Seth will point out that I'm clenching my jaw.

Yep.

He'll be like, stop clenching your jaw. Well, that's an automatic warning to me. When I feel myself clenching my jaw, I know that that's time for a timeout, or I'm gonna say a lot of things that I'm gonna regret. And I don't want to shut down, and I don't want to say a lot of things that I'm going to regret. So we're talking about my communication and what doesn't work when I communicate with people. So what I find, even with my friends, is that I'm trying so hard to be diplomatic that sometimes I don't say anything, or I will be like, "I tell you, you're too nice," right? So I'm definitely too nice, definitely too nice. And I'm trying to say things assertively. Like, we can be assertive and polite. And my mother has told me forever that what's the line that Seth said, that it's not what I say, it's how I say it. So I can say to my friend, what you just said really hurt my feelings. Like, I can say it and be direct and be assertive without being harsh with my words. So, yes. So what I find is that sometimes in my world, for me to be diplomatic, sometimes I get really quiet because I'm thinking about how I want to say something.

That is an excellent point. And when you tell me, "I'm looking for words, just give me a minute to figure out what I want to say," that de-escalates me certainly and gives me the patience to let you have the space you need to figure out what you want to say. And I'm not like on you.

Well, and I think even if I said to you, I mean, we're not even talking about friends right now, we're talking about marriage. But if I say to you, I'm feeling so much right now that I can't find words.

That'll buy you all the time, right?

So I think when I feel a ton of stuff at once, my brain doesn't function with words. And I think that's what Seth labels as stonewalling, when it's really me shutting down because I don't know what to say. Yes.

And I don't always realize that you are looking for thoughts or you can't process right now. So when you tell me, it makes a huge difference and helps a lot.

Well, and I find with women especially, um, some women can be too aggressive with their words, and they can be, you know, like, I'm gonna take this on right now, and I don't care if I offend people, and we're gonna talk about this. And I find that more than that— and you can correct me if you think I'm wrong— that women avoid talking about things. And I think that it's It's hard sometimes to have hard conversations. But I'm interviewing a woman tomorrow that I'm excited to interview. And one of the things that she says is that we have to get comfortable being uncomfortable.

That's a great line.

My words and face tend to not be on the same page.

That's Melissa.

Which can definitely be an issue. Oh, I love when I can read people and I just like, they don't have to say anything. I just like know what they're saying. I definitely Um, my friend told me— Seth is gonna like this— my friend told me I'm a really good actress.

Yes.

And I didn't think I was a good actress. I thought I looked really annoyed, and she told me I didn't. But, um, you think I'm a good actress?

Yes, I have told you that many times, and up until recently you denied it every single time.

And I think you're finally realizing that you have more acting talent than you think because inside I feel so annoyed and I think it's written all over my face. Are you reading it?

Oh, sorry. Tina says, I always encourage communication with Dan or anyone.

So Tina, you are direct and you don't avoid things. So what do you think— so that's not your issue. What do you think that you could do better to communicate more effectively? What do you think your thing is? For me, I need to not shut down. For you, what do you think your issue is back there?

I need to soften up my communication and be less pricky. And I have been working a lot on not getting defensive when you say something like, how you scheduled this doesn't work for me.

Oh my gosh. Adrian.

Adrian says you are definitely entertaining and beautiful. Thank you very much, Adrian.

Oh my gosh.

Tina Ferver says, listen, needs to work on listening.

Okay, okay. So there's— that's perfect, Tina. Thank you. So as I read about communication, what keeps coming up is that women in particular, I feel like we tend to listen to respond instead of listening to understand. It's like we're thinking about what we want to say instead of just listening at what That's, that's the issue that I see. And I'm not saying that men— I'm not having any gender issues here, but, um, I'm sure men listen to respond to. Do you feel— yeah, do you feel like you can listen?

That's Danielle Alba.

Do you feel like you can? She agrees.

Getting a lot of agreement.

Well, so the problem is, is that You know, so maybe when we're talking to people, we need a pad and a pencil. Because as Seth is talking, or as my friend is talking, I have something I want to say, and I'm afraid I'm going to forget it. So I blurt it out.

Or you stop listening to the other person. You just keep repeating it in your head over and over and over again.

So you don't lose it. Yes. And your famous line to me is, I'm not done yet.

Yes, you're always like, you're interrupting me. I'm like, I wasn't even done with my sentence. I can't be interrupting you yet. You're interrupting me interrupting you.

Oh my God. We We are funny. We are funny. Do you think that we have made improvements in our communication?

Substantial. I work on it every day with you.

Okay, so, so what is your— what's your observations?

I think we've identified our patterns. I think we are both actively working on them. I can see visible improvements in you every time we have another conflict, or we don't. Like, for example, earlier tonight when you said, the way you scheduled that isn't working for me. I didn't get defensive. I didn't tell you you were wrong. I didn't argue with you. I calmly said, well, I did talk to Max about this, and this is why we scheduled this then, and I'm sorry, and we'll do it better. I'll do it better next time. Which deflated the balloon, because if I had fought with you about it, you would have gotten more angry, and it would have gotten worse instead of better.

So, so did what I say not work for you? Could I have said that better?

Yes.

Okay. So I could have said, I don't love how you scheduled this. I would like to explain to you why I don't like it.

Yes.

Okay.

I asked my kids, do you want my opinion or do you want to vent? It helps me know where in my headspace I should be when communicating with them. It helps me listen when listening is what they want and gather my thoughts when they ask. I am trying to do this in my marriage as well. Amen. Amen. 100%. That's Danielle.

Danielle, that is perfect.

We got a couple of them. Uh, Melissa says, "Ike and I tried to establish—" I was on Danielle and you're moving on. Sorry, I'm trying to keep up. That's awesome.

Okay, but can I talk about Danielle's comment? Danielle, and then we'll talk about Melissa. Okay, because, um, in researching the woman that I am talking to tomorrow, one of her highlights in her counseling with families is that parents go in like gangbusters trying to solve their kids' issues when all their kids want is to feel and feel understood and be heard. And she said that is one of parents' biggest mistakes, is that we come in like gangbusters, like they want us to fix things. Yes.

Can I catch up on some comments? Yes. Okay. Sometimes know the other person and how well they respond is oftentimes the way you need to frame your comments.

Oh, so what works for the other person, like being aware of what kind of communication style someone has. Is that what you're saying?

That would be my guess.

Like, you need to know that I'm sensitive.

I am well aware of that. But yes, um, Melissa says, I can— I try to establish a rule before sharing a story, like he'll tell me prior if he wants my input, thoughts, or just to get stuff out.

I'm seeing a theme here with that.

I like that too. Um, I love this, you validated me, so thank you. I appreciate you saying that. Hearts. Who is that? Ah, let me go find out who that is. That's Danielle Alba.

Oh my gosh, we're all living the same lives, people. We are all in this together. That is what I want to say. I sincerely want you to know that— oh, Tina, thank you. Um, you may think that a family has no issues. Every family has stuff going on behind closed doors. I said in my mom group, I said I had a funny story of a mom who vented to me all the stress that she was feeling. She just like— I love when moms do that and they just like vent it all out to you and they feel so much better that they got it out of their systems. And then the next day, a mom came up to me talking about the mom who vented to me and said, "If only I had my life all together like she did." like she does. And I was like, oh God, you know, I work on confidentiality, people. I am a therapist. I will keep everything you say confidential, even if I'm not working. I wasn't about to say, well, let me tell you something. But I was like, here we think everybody's life is perfect.

Nobody's life is perfect. Sandy says grass always looks greener on the other side.

And it's so funny because like, people say things to me all the time, like, Wow, this family has like everything together. Like, I can't even believe all the balls in the air and that they're keeping all the balls moving and grooving. And I know stuff that maybe is going on, and I'm like, I'm not sharing anything. I'm not— you're not allowed to. Well, no, it hasn't— I'm not working. I'm not—

we are working right now. Okay, I'm always working. You're always working.

You know what I'm saying? I'm not gonna give people's dirty laundry, but I'm gonna tell you that everybody has a little bit of laundry.

We all have laundry.

We all have laundry to clean. So there are so many communication issues. I think that every person's style is different. We're learning how everyone works and what works for this person and what works for that person. And, and And I like trying to figure out how to get through to someone more effectively, like my husband behind me. I resemble that remark.

I think when trying to be diplomatic, I try my best to isolate the I person and bring connection first and then honesty second, because others want to grow and are invested, but they want to be valued first. Oh. I think that's Danielle Hartman.

I think that, um, I think that you bring up a really good issue because you said the word I and you triggered something in me because I think that we can sometimes say you a lot. You did this and you did that. And, uh, one of the Therapy 101 lessons that I was taught was to teach people I language, like I know, I feel, I feel sad.

So when I scheduled the webinar without talking, for myself and Max, without talking to you, how did that make you feel?

No, I don't see— it's a really fine line because you don't want to feel like you're micromanaging your husband. You want your husband to like, you know, like he's a big boy and, and you know, you have a family. So we're a family of 5 And that's 5 balls in the air. So we're juggling. Okay. So here's what, here's what I want to tell you. Here's what I would like. I'm going to try to effectively communicate, people. Let's do it. From 8 AM to 5 PM, you can do whatever the heck you want.

You're talking to me? Yes. Okay.

So from 8 AM to 5 PM, work hours, go crazy. If you're scheduling something after 5 for an evening situation, I would love for you to consult with me first.

That was beautiful. Somebody says you felt like you might be missing out. No, Rebecca did not want to be on the webinar. She did not have any phone.

I was on the webinar tonight. Yeah, you didn't know that?

No, I didn't know you were on. I was—

I mean, I listened to most of it. Oh, that's awesome. Thank you. You didn't even know Collaborate Not Consult. Can you show that? Yes. Wait, um, that is perfect. Whoever said that— who just said that? Danielle Hartman. Okay, so I'm looking for a collaboration with my husband, and quite frankly, I try really hard to leave him alone from 8 to 5, right? I mean, I would think for the majority, I try— like, I might say to him, hey, at 3 o'clock, are you free?

Yeah, she does always ask. It is rare once every couple months I might get the phone call going, I need you to move what you've got and go do X, Y, and Z for me, we have a logistical crisis.

Well, and I don't think— I guess my point is, is that when you're scheduling things at 6:30, 7 o'clock— yes, I should—

I did check and see who had what activity, but you are right, I did not actually ask you. I asked Max a month ago, a couple months ago, and I thought we were good. I apologize, I should have included you in that conversation, and you could have told me it needed to be later.

I was like, oh my God, so you're having him rush his buns home from football? He didn't get to go to the football dinner. I don't even know if he cares.

No, he just says he does not care.

So I think that what Max would tell you, if Max was on here right now, is that I can be too protective. So I think I was protecting Max's schedule and he didn't need to be protected. So I was trying to protect him from you Thanks, honey, because you added— you added work to his evening when he was at football, and I didn't want him to leave football to come home for work. So I was protecting Max. Max did not want to be protected. It worked out. So I can get too involved. Um, Monday night—

that's Jamie Monday night. Something happened Monday night.

What happened Monday night, Jamie? She meant Monday night. I'm trying to think what she's talking about.

Different. I know, because the college webinar was Tuesday night.

It wasn't Oh, was she saying that I felt— I don't know what she's saying.

All right, sorry, Jamie.

I don't know, Jamie. I was on his— he has a lot going on this week. He's doing all these nighttime things. I'm not used to that. Like, sometimes he'll work late, but this has been a really late week. Yes, I'm in college. She's talking about the college conference. Yeah, the college conference was awesome. If you missed it, that did not affect Max. Okay, but go tell, tell everybody where they can find that, because that was really good.

Well, thank you. If you go to my Facebook profile, facebook.com, I think it's Seth and Greene or whatever, um, you will see the live stream from last night. Yeah. And he talked about admission and financial aid for college.

Um, yeah, I feel like we talk about college a lot lately, but that's a whole nother topic for another day, right?

That's because he's sitting in front of us.

He is sitting right here, and college will be here before we blink, so I'm not gonna blink. And I'm going to tell us all to evaluate ourselves.

Oh, she's talking about the private meeting we had with Max and Anne-Marie. That was separate. Yes, that we scheduled on purpose.

Oh my God, he scheduled that. I mean, what's going on with you this week?

It's just Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

It's just Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday night. It's just—

that's just 3 nights all happen to fall on the same week. I have nothing tomorrow night except the football game. Nothing Friday night.

Thank God Max has a football game. Like, let's go have some fun. We will, we will. How many hours did you work this week already? Thanks, honey.

Thank you, honey. You're welcome.

Okay, so I'm gonna wrap it up. Yes. So we can go say good night to our girls. Yes. So thank you for joining us. Thank you for your amazing comments. Yes. And just take some time and let's not focus on what everybody else is doing wrong in their communication, because we can easily pick apart everybody and how they communicate. But let's focus on ourselves. Let's start evaluating what we can do to be more effective in our communication, because if we have better communication, we have better relationships.

100%. Melissa, thank you for posting the link to the livestream. Melissa, you are always so helpful. And Jane says, parents being on the same page is a magic trick.

Listening, communicating, collaborating. Oh yes. There's another topic. Jamie, Jamie is the topic master. I think we're gonna have to start paying Jamie for her topic.

Wait a second now.

Now, that was just another great topic. It is. Yes. No, Seth has scheduled way too much stuff this week.

3 things. I'm sorry. It's a lot.

It feels like a lot in the stuff that was already scheduled. So who's on the podcast? Um, I knew you were gonna ask me and I forgot to Check. Is— Tayton's not here to save me. Um, let's think who is on the podcast this Friday. I think it's, um, Chris. I think it's Chris from Beauty Boost Buffalo, and it's— she's talking about an amazing group in Buffalo. You're gonna love her and what she has to share. Um, I loved meeting her, and we were laughing because we actually could have done it in person. Here was a woman— you know, I do everything on Zoom, but here was a woman who lives like 10 minutes from me. And we were laughing about the fact that we actually are talking to people who are in the same location. So listen to the podcast, please. And please rate and review it because then they put it out to more people. So I would so appreciate it. 5 stars, please. I would love 5 stars. And I so appreciate all of you. I loved this topic. This was a good topic. Yes. Uh, anything? Oh, we just finished the September challenge in the Winey Palooza Mom group. Find me on Facebook. I love our group. It's a very supportive group for moms. And anything else?

Thank you for watching Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Greene family.

Thanks everyone, have a wonderful week.