Whinypaluza Wednesday Live Trust Issues

Okay, so am I supposed to wait for you to press record?

I know it automatically is recording.

Oh, I apologize, Seth is doing new technology. Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday. Ella Bella, no need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday. Have some wine and join us on the Wine Inclusa Wednesday with the Green family. Cha-cha chicken! Well, you didn't— you can come and say it. Okay, sweetness, thank you for singing for me. Okay, come on over, Mr. Green.

Yes, ma'am.

I can do it.

You can do it, honey.

So, been a little tense about this topic, not gonna lie. Um, speaking of trust, I'm not gonna lie. So I started this topic last week, put it away, said, ah, I can't do it, put it away, I'll write something new at some point. And then on Tuesday I said, nope, I'm gonna read it, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna finish it.

So when you resist, you should persist.

So I said to myself that when you are resisting something that much, it means that you absolutely 100% should do it. So I'm telling all of you that for growth, for, you know, showing yourself that you can do it, for trusting yourself. I followed through. I pressed post. I posted the blog this morning, I think, and here I am doing the vlog. We are live in multiple places. Yes, doing the vlog. If you are more of a podcast person, this will be available next Wednesday on my podcast and you can listen to it instead of watching it. Thank you for finishing my sentences.

You're welcome.

My sandwiches.

Sandwiches.

So my topic this week— my son is rolling his eyes at me. Love you.

What bag of food is this?

I don't know, he just went upstairs with a bag of some sort of food. Um, my topic this week is my trust issues, and I want to start by saying a couple of the issues happened pre-Seth, before me, before I met him. A couple of the issues happened after I met Seth. None of these issues, none of these 4 events in my life have anything to do with Seth. And I think they're the most significant as I reflect on what caused the initial issues. Would you agree with that?

I would agree with that.

And when I met Seth, so I think what's really important when you begin a relationship is, you know, I know that it's all light and fluffy and lovey-dovey. We, we know what the beginning is like. We remember the bubble. We loved the bubble. Seth said he never wanted to leave the bubble. Oops. Hey now. Um, but I was very honest with Seth, and he would say, you're so perfect, and I would say, oh boy, I am not perfect, and I'm gonna tell you why. And I laid it to him straight. I wanted to be extremely authentic and real and honest with him and tell him my strengths, which he saw.

Those were obvious.

I think the strengths were pretty obvious. I think the weaknesses were not obvious because I was so blissfully happy and in love.

Yes, and good at hiding them.

I was not hiding them.

Okay, well then we, we talked about them.

Yes, I in no way, shape, or form was hiding anything. I absolutely 100% told you everything.

Yes.

And I think that you disclosed a lot to me.

I did.

And I think as time went on, disclosed more things to me.

Yes.

Um, somebody is saying hi. Hello.

Um, you have to enable the— there's a thing setting that you have to enable to tell us who you are, but, uh, he's gonna look. Okay, yes. Patricia, Susa, hello. Hi.

Okay, so let's dive in. Let's talk about, let's talk about my aha moment while I was writing this. Ah, she enabled it. Hello Patricia. Hi Kelly. So, um, what my aha moment was when I was writing this was that I realized that I was looking externally for people to give me evidence that I could trust them. And I was looking for people like Seth and family and friends to prove to me that people were trustworthy. And I was looking for evidence, and I was looking outside of myself. And I feel like when we do stuff like that, and we, you know, give our power over to other people, we are becoming helpless in solving the issue. And I think that in almost every facet of our lives, you could throw out examples of me and I could tell you how it's within yourself. I realized that trust begins with myself, and if I work on trusting myself, and I work on just me, that if I trust myself, and I'm the only one that I really need to trust to solve the trust issue. And it was like this big giant light bulb moment for me and really moved me in such a good direction. And did I tell— I didn't tell you this story, but you read about this, correct, Seth?

I don't know. We're going to find out when you tell the people what we're talking about.

No, I'm saying what I just said.

Oh, yes.

That I found it. Yes, that it's within me.

Yes.

I don't know that I ever discussed that with you. You did not, but you read it.

Yes, I did read it. And the Kelly is Kelly Flynn.

I know, I know who Kelly is.

Okay, I didn't—

I took a guess and knew who she was.

Which Kelly?

I knew which Kelly it was just by how she spells her name.

Awesome, because it's an I, not a Y.

So I, I would say in my 17 years with Seth, I have come from way over here with, oh boy, I don't know if I can trust him, to way over here knowing that I can totally trust. And I want to tell you how I got here because I want to help. And I would say that my number one that I will always go to over and over and over again is my— are my thoughts. And I am a huge proponent in cognitive behavioral therapy, and the biggest thing that helps me is for me to become aware of my thoughts and for me to hit the rewind button. And I will, I will have that like gut-wrenching feeling about trust, and I will say, stop, you're having the thought, let's rewind and let's replace it to something more positive. And I think that I have done that so many times over the last 17 years that it's— first of all, the thoughts don't come as often when we practice it, and when they do come, it's so much easier to challenge yourself and move to a better place quicker.

Yes, I thought, yes, now it's like down to like once a year, and it used to be a lot. In the beginning, it was like once a week, and part of that was my fault. There were reasons, there were reasons that you were triggered.

It's not his fault. You know, Seth is so good at giving advice, and he's so good, and, um, he's so warm and charming, and, and charming. And I knew why the girls were calling And it didn't, it didn't—

before, in the beginning.

Yes, in the beginning. And it didn't matter if it was 11 o'clock at night, they were calling. And I was like, oh no, oh no, no.

I was not dating anybody but you.

He's like, they're just friends, which we're going to talk about. We're going to talk, we're going to talk about—

I love taking a stroll down painful memory lane.

We won't, I won't take you down. It was, it was a little, that was the bumpiest part of our beginning. Yes.

That was— yeah, yeah, that was the bumpiest. Yes.

So how— okay, so how else did I move forward? Yes, I'm gonna give you the dart. Yes, I remember. I reminded— hi Corey, he thinks we're funny.

It's good somebody does.

Seth is like, please don't talk about that, it was painful the first time.

Yes.

So, um, anyways, hi Jason. So, okay, I lost my thoughts. So Seth, yes, helped remind me.

Oh yes.

And I reminded myself that any of my issues had nothing to do with him. The poor guy has done nothing wrong. He is extremely trustworthy. Yes, I know that. I have 17 years of evidence. I know it has nothing to do with him, and he doesn't deserve any of these issues. And I reminded myself of that many, many times.

And I said, maybe when we're 87 and about to die, you'll say, oh, I guess I can trust you.

No, I already trust you. You do know that, I hope. Yes. Oh Lord. Okay, Seth knows we, you know, we have to communicate. We're going to talk about communication, but we have to tell them what's important, what our needs are, and in closing events in my life. I told Seth that trust is number one to me. I mean, if trust is broken, I'm not going to tell you that I'm like, peace out, you're out of my life. But if people are out of my life, a big part of it is probably that I don't trust them anymore, anymore, based on information or behaviors. Yes. Um, I am very, um, I think I'm very good at modeling the behavior I expect. Would you agree with that?

In the trust department, absolutely.

So I want to talk about marital rules in relation to modeling behavior. And I have my own marital rules that I imposed on Seth that we both— that we both— that we both—

I was voluntold that these were the new rules, right?

But I think that this goes for any relationship. You should, whatever you are saying, texting, doing, wherever you're going, whatever you're buying, it should always be something that you would do right in front of your partner. And I have had friends joke with me to buy something and not tell Seth. Now they don't know.

They're usually talking about jewelry or purses or expensive shoes.

But they don't know. I haven't explained— yes, to many people in my life— the trust button.

Yes, and you are a big believer in that the glass house of our marriage is completely transparent and see-through.

Yes.

So some people have like a camouflage house, some people have a black glass house, like stealth.

So I know that people hide things, and I know that some of it's harmless. I'm putting that in quotes because I really believe it. I really don't believe it. I really think that we should be— is transparent the word? I think we should really— whatever we're doing, buying, asking for, texting, watching, it should all be something like, here's my phone, have at it. I talked to, you know, all of these people today. Um, there's nothing to hide. I guess I'm big on I have nothing to hide. And we talked about that today, that you think that that's one of my strengths. Things. Things.

Yes.

Oh, be careful. Lily's coming down the stairs with a big box. So you talked about the glass house as being clear.

Yes.

I'm talking about the glass house in relation to your marriage is in a glass house.

Yes.

And you can shatter it. And don't do that. I mean, your humor definitely lightens me up.

It does, because this is a very hard topic for you.

Um, so yes, definitely tense all day about this. I'm trying, people.

You're doing great.

So Ella, Ella says to me before this starts, man, you take yourself way too seriously. So Seth is here. Yes, Seth is here for comic relief.

I am the comic relief.

At least someone loves our dynamic. Thank you so much.

Yes.

So your marriage is in a glass house. Relationships are in a glass house. And what I mean by that is you don't want to let people in who are going to negatively affect it. And there are so many ways for you to do it, be negatively affected. So it's— there's so many ways to negatively impact your marriage or a different relationship. So you need to protect your relationships. And, you know, that is why I am not comfortable. I mean, these are my own comfort zones.

Yes.

I am not comfortable with either of us having super close friends of the opposite gender. That's just my own thing.

She saw When Harry Met Sally once and they said men and women can't be friends. And she said, that's it for life. I'm going with that one.

Well, it also was from experience of— it was my own experiences of being younger. And I am sure that there are plenty of friendships that are harmless. I'm just going on my own experiences and my own trust issues, which have gotten so much better, if I do say so myself.

You're welcome.

Do you agree?

Yes, and you're welcome.

Corey, you can be my friend. You're allowed to be my friend. That's it, man.

You're letting— you're letting Corey from the last 30 years into the glass house.

Corey and I became friends in kindergarten, and now we're 44, so I can't do the math. It's so long.

39.

I was gonna say 39, but then I figured I'd screw it up.

Um, you have to trust in your own math.

I do not trust my math skills, especially when it comes to Common Core. Okay, moving on.

Corey was about to get really upset.

Okay, so, so let's talk, let's talk about the cliché that time heals all wounds. And I 100% agree with that. You know, when you first have the, um, whatever the scenario is where you would be broken, where, where trust would be broken, a death in the family, you know, whatever the huge event is when you're going through it. It's so painful, and you can't see that in, you know, 17 years you're going to feel so differently. But, um, time definitely heals. And I say that, you know, let's say that I have these 4 scars, or however many scars, they have definitely healed up. They haven't disappeared, right?

I was going to say it 100% heals all wounds, but not necessarily heals it all the way. There's still some scar tissue that is sensitive.

Sure. Absolutely. 100%.

Yes.

So I also have observed proof and confirmation of multiple people in my life being super trustworthy, and it's super important to me. I think that counting on people and knowing that you can trust them is just so intensely important to me. Other people might not agree.

They might have different issues.

I also look for it. And what I mean by that is— very, very true, Seth. Which one is very— what did you just say?

I said they might have different issues.

Yes, absolutely.

Trust just happens to be your biggest one.

I think that we all— one of the things that I tell people is we all have stuff. If you have lived you're going to have issues and there's no shame in it. I mean, it's part of being human and how you grow. It's how, you know, Andy Andrews said, if we could, we would probably choose to have no trials or tribulations in our life. But when I look back at these hard events, they shaped me and made me so much who I am. So without them, I would be so different. Very true, right?

Tony Robbins says the only people with no stress are in the cemetery.

Yeah, we don't want to be there. I don't know. So I look for the good. I look for the trust. And I think that what we look for, we attract. And it's called confirmation bias, because if you're going about your day looking for stuff to piss you off, you're going to find it. If I'm going through my day looking for the wonderful things that Seth does, I find it. So I might get angry with him and say, yeah, you might be pissed, but look at all the amazing things he did all day. Like, let it go, move on. And as far as trust goes, he has shown me over and over and over that when I look for the good, it's so there. It's totally there.

Don't even have to look for it. It's really obvious.

I'm not worried.

That's good.

I'm really not. It, it took me how many years?

A while.

I don't know how many years. I wish I took notes. I wish, I wish I had taken notes through the 17 years to tell you when it went away. And I'm saying away in quotes, right?

Got much better.

Okay, we're— communication is always the key, and, and And I have to communicate to Seth how I'm doing, or to someone else. If someone else is doing something that is pushing my buttons or affecting me, I have to talk to— I have to be willing to talk to them about it. If we don't clearly and calmly communicate, we're not going to fix it. And quite honestly, if I communicate in a non-calm manner, I find that people aren't even listening to me.

Right, because who you are is screaming so loudly, saying it so loudly that it gets in the way of the actual message.

I mean, I was yelling at Lily. Lily leaves messes all over the house. And I was yelling at her yesterday. And she looked at me and she said, "Do you really have to yell?" Like so annoyed with me that I was yelling. And I'm thinking, I'm the one who's annoyed.

And it is your definition of a mess, just to be clear. Somebody else might not define that as a mess.

Well, we won't get into that.

That's a whole nother topic.

That's a whole different topic. Let's stay on trust. We don't want to talk about messes tonight.

Okay.

Um, my house was clean before children.

Yes, it was painfully clean.

So if someone has hurt you, family member, friend, whomever, I want to touch on how to rebuild the trust. And I want to start back where I just ended with— I'm always going to talk about communication. Because whenever there is an issue presented, it's usually that there's a lack of communication. And the communication isn't just— it's also the substance of the communication. And if someone has hurt you, share your feelings. Share when you are able to, even if it's through tears. Sometimes I find that I don't want to cry, so I don't want to talk. So sometimes I have to gain strength before I can talk, or sometimes I just have to try to talk through my tears. But share your feelings, be willing to be vulnerable.

So you should be a Coke, not a calzone.

Yeah, you just— you're trying to lighten me up. Am I way too serious tonight?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, so In the same lines, we have to be willing to tell our partners what our needs are. So let's say that the trust has been broken. What do you think you need to rebuild that trust? If you don't know, think about it. Observe your days and what you need, how you need your days to be different, or get some guidance. There is never any harm in finding a good therapist. And I say good because in talking to multiple friends, every therapist is not good.

You just watched a whole movie about that, right? Called Bad Therapy.

Oh my gosh, was it called Bad Therapy? Hysterical movie on Hulu with Alicia Silverstone. So funny. So funny. And it shows that every therapist is not good. So if you choose to find one, it is great to get a recommendation. And if you find that you're not a good fit, Please don't feel bad. Everybody doesn't fit together. Go find somebody else. But they can help you with like, what are your needs? What is going to repair the relationship? Talk to each other. If you don't tell them, they don't know.

Can't read your mind.

Forgiveness. Forgiveness is one of my favorite words. I was not always good at it.

I might have observed that.

I— but I think I have gotten better. Yes, I don't think that— I think I have a lot of work to do.

Um, you've made a lot of progress.

You're afraid— he's afraid to talk on this topic. Um, it's not mine. It's not your topic, but you're so supportive and you're so funny, and I appreciate you trying to lighten the mood.

Thank you.

And, um, yeah, forgiveness. So I want you to forgive for yourself. And I say that because walking around with a heavy heart, with a grudge, with resentment is so hard on you. So you don't have to forgive the person for them. Do it for you because you don't deserve to carry that around. It's too much. It's too heavy. And you're—

yes, there's a quote I'm going to mess up right now, but it's carrying it. Holding on to a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Yes, you have told me that before, and it's spot on. And I think that one of the greatest ways to forgive is to keep yourself in the present. And I think that when we slide into the past, and I mean, it's over. One of my mother's favorite lines is, that's yesterday's news. Yeah, she says that a lot.

I just never thought about that.

And you know what? But I But I even observed growing up that she could just get over things. She was really good at forgiveness, and she modeled that for me. And you could see that even if something big happened on Saturday, on Sunday, it was a new day, and Saturday was yesterday's news. Seth is laughing because he's always so floored by my recovery.

Oh my God, we'll have a big conflict about something, and the next day he's like, I'm like, I'm, I'm still like traumatized and didn't sleep and all upset. And 2 days later I'm like still hungover from it, like emotionally. And she's like, what? I don't even remember what we fought about. What did I say? I said that? Really? To you?

I'm so sorry. Yeah, but it's all family history because you didn't observe the fighting.

I did not.

My parents and didn't necessarily do that, right? So you didn't have, you didn't have the experience, whereas I had the experience that they would fight and then it was over. Yeah. So anyways, evaluation. So one of the many podcasts that I listened to was talking about something that I think is so important, and it's just like a weekly check-in. And it's not even just for trust issues, it's for any issue. It's for any family. It's for any couple. And I'm kind of— I don't want to say I'm annoyed with myself, but like, where is our weekly check-in? You know, where is our— you know, my kids make fun of me, but where is our family meeting? I like to check in with my kids. How are things going? What's working for you? What isn't working for you? Same with your marriage. Same with your relationships. Evaluate regularly. I would have a weekly date. What is going well this week? What isn't going well? What else can be different to help you move forward? Evaluation is a key— is the key to success with pretty much everything, because even if you're on a diet, you have to evaluate if it's working. You have to know what actually went wrong in the first place. Why was there an issue to start with? What happened to affect the relationship? Was the person not getting their needs met? Were they not communicating to you and saying, "Listen, you're giving me no attention so I'm getting attention elsewhere." You know, it—

the—

my issues are not all around that but it's an example of If this happened, why did it happen in the first place? Evaluate it, analyze it together so that it doesn't happen again. The proof will help as you rebuild your relationship, rebuild your trust. You will see continued proof by your partner, hopefully, that you can trust them. If the same behavior is repeated again, that's a whole different topic than this, than this vlog today. So anything else to add, Mr. Green?

I think you covered it very well.

So the scars heal, they don't disappear, but they heal. And I, and I find that I have used my scars to make me better, a better person. And I told Seth that I know that he would probably rather that I have none of these issues, but there's a huge but in that, in that I think that it has made me such a better wife for him.

Yes.

And I think that it is actually a strength in our marriage. And I think it's a strength for my other family and friends that it has made me such a faithful, trustworthy, loyal, loyal person. And I had someone tell me, a very successful businesswoman told me that we have to have I am statements as in our business, in our, in our, um, I don't know the word I'm looking for, but I realized writing this that I am the honest mom. And Seth was telling me at dinner that I am, I am wanting people to just kind of be real and authentic and, you know, don't hide what's going on at home, that you don't have to put on a happy face. Like, what's going on? Share it and let's be real and honest with each other. So I want to show you before we close it off, I had some lovely people send me Alavida. I, I love when people send me stuff. This is awesome daytime nighttime cream, and, um, definitely loving it. Smells super clean, super smooth, glowy face. Very happy.

Go to bit.ly/whinylifewave, all lowercase. It is case sensitive. bit.ly/whinylifewave. We will put that link below so that you can go try it out for yourself. Thank you to the folks at Winey Lifeway, bit.ly/WineyLifeway.

So this Friday, I— okay, I'm not done. Come on in. This Friday, I am super, super excited. We have Deva, Deva Laporto, on my podcast. And if you don't know her, she is the My Life Suckers front lady. She is the producer and the star of all the My Life Sucker videos. If you haven't seen them, go look. She's hysterical and we were dancing and laughing with her and she makes motherhood funny and we all need to laugh and as Ella told me, I have to be— take myself less seriously so this stuff helps me and anything else? Oh! Join the um, join the Winey Palooza Mom group. I have a couple giveaways that I'm going to give, and, um, the April, um, contest is going to start soon. So Lily, take us out. Thank you for watching Winey Palooza Wednesday with the green— oh my goodness, thanks for watching everyone!