Whinypaluza Wednesday: Please Stop Apologizing

Me. Hello everyone, happy Whiny Palooza Wednesday!

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza Wednesday. Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Wednesday with the Greene family.

Cha-cha-chicken!

Um, before you leave, I would like to tell the people—

tell the people now!

Tell them what I want to tell them, that I'm super proud of you publicly. She is rocking 6th grade. I can only imagine what her final grades are going to be. And yes, people, we have one more week of school left. We are not done. Um, for those— I'm not done, don't go yet. So for those of you done in May, we are still going.

Going.

She rocked an audition yesterday. She got 100 on a presentation today.

About what musical?

Les Mis.

That's right, baby, up top. So 20 slides in 20 seconds each of all of Les Mis.

So I want to make sure to tell you how proud I am of you.

Thank you.

And we have to remember to tell our children because in the chaos of the day, they still need to hear it.

I'm proud of you.

So cheers!

Cheers to Ally!

Cheers! We love you.

I love you.

Okay, you can, you can, you can run away if you want to.

You're kind of sitting on my skirt because I want—

because I want you to stay. You come— you're gonna come closer?

I'll come closer, baby.

I want you closer. So how is everyone doing today? Let us know how you're doing. Let us know how you're surviving June.

June, John Gulliver.

Um, today was rushing to Lockport for Lily's dress rehearsal for her dance recital. Yesterday was rushing to Ella's audition. Max had soccer tryouts. We're, we're, we're going. Parenthood, man.

That's right, right, right.

You told me you need a stiff drink today, so here you go.

This probably isn't stiff enough.

I think, I think you probably need something stronger than that, but have a drink.

It's a start.

Okay, so it's an appetizer. As I have told you many times, I notice things about myself, things about my friends, everything, things about— I, I, you know, when you are trained— sorry, um, I remember you being like, does that mean you analyze everything? I'm like, yeah, yeah, it's okay.

I can't watch theater like a normal person. So I get it.

Well, so when you're trained, you can understand this based on your expertise, whatever your expertise is. But I was trained to observe human behavior and human interactions. So my brain is always going a million miles a minute. And if there are like 10 women on the playground, I'm probably noticing a lot of things that other people aren't noticing. So I just pick up on what's going on. What am I doing that I want to work on? And one of the things that I have noticed is that I apologize too much throughout my day and my friends apologize too much throughout their day. And I want you to take note, take notice, pay attention. How often does your husband apologize? Because he doesn't— sorry, what the heck just happened?

Nothing, nothing, dear. We're good.

He doesn't go through his day apologizing for everything. He's confident, he's secure, he's successful. He just moves through his day and he's not apologizing for everything. So I want that for us, and I don't mean to generalize to women, but women are the ones I hear going, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Let me give you some examples. So the title is "Please Stop Apologizing." That is our title this week. There is a blog already published at whinyplousa.com if you want to go read it. But we are going to just blog, and some of the things that I have noticed, I think one of the biggest things that I have noticed is people saying to me, I'm so sorry, my house is a mess, and I'm guilty, guilty as charged. I want you to know that as I run through some of this stuff tonight, that I'm as guilty as ever.

This is the queen.

So part of me doing this therapy for a lot of these topics are me talking to myself too. Some of them are not, and you get to be here. Some of the, some of the topics are not about me. What? But this one is, and this one is about my friends, and I want us as women to come across confident and secure and empowered and successful. And if you're a businesswoman, if you're in the workforce, you that if you work on your language, it will help you be more successful and it will help people look at you differently. Every time we apologize, we're like putting ourselves down and we're disempowering ourselves. Boo! And I'm not saying that we should never apologize.

Yeah, because there are times that you need to apologize.

So one of the biggest examples is if I lose my cool with anyone— my husband, my kids— um, if I lose my cool, then I need to take a timeout. I mean, I don't ever want to, but I do, and I need to go back and apologize for it. So sometimes there's a need, but we as a society of women tend to over-apologize. And I think that it just becomes a bit, and it just becomes like a word choice, kind of like, like Seth hates when I say like. I get word choices, I pick them up from other people too. I remember working at Applebee's and picking up people's habits. Like one of my friends said so, I think it was, all the time. And you You know, being around Canadians, you can pick up their like, eh, eh, and their sorry or whatever. So I think that—

Now that we've just generalized a whole bunch of different people.

Sorry. Sorry. I just apologized. I just apologized. So I think one of the biggest things that I hear women apologize for is their house. Please come in. I'm so sorry about the mess. Please ignore the mess.

And because they needed you to give them a disclaimer.

And I don't want you to be embarrassed.

If you don't apologize, I'm going to come in and attack your house. I can't believe this mess.

Well, one of the things I was laughing writing this blog because my response that I would like us to say instead, I, I said, welcome to my home. People live here and pets.

But see, even that, like you're giving this presupposition that you don't need Unless you are all secretly judging each other and you have to disclaim or apologize first to preempt the subconscious secret judging, you don't need it.

Well, and I think that no guy thinks that. I think that women are judgmental, and I think— and I think that that's a whole nother topic.

It is another topic because cut it out.

Okay, so let's save that for another day. Let's get rid of the judgment so that— yeah, let's just get— let's just accept each other for who we are and love your messiness. Let's get rid of the judgment.

My house is messy too.

Ella tells that, you know, she's so funny. She'll be like, Mom, the dishes in the sink tell you that you fed us well.

Yes.

You know, the crumbs on the floor.

We have food.

We have food. The toys, we were playing. Like, she reframes. She could care less about messes. Well, she didn't like when her room was a mess. Did you notice that?

It did get cleaned up and it's very nice.

Um, I'm so sorry, I'm busy. I'm so sorry, I'm a mess. Oh my God, I hate when people say I'm a mess. You look beautiful. You look beautiful whether you wear makeup, whether you don't, whether you're dressed up.

This whole thing—

oh my gosh, we're going to talk about that too. Yes. So I got it on sale.

Don't tell anybody you paid full price.

The funniest thing is when I hear people say things like I'm so sorry that it's raining. People, you have nothing to do with the rain. I want you to be empathic without saying I'm sorry. Okay, so it's raining. It sucks. It'll be okay.

The flowers could grow.

Let's, let's give them some examples.

Let's do some examples.

Okay, I'm sorry I'm always late.

Thank you for waiting for me.

I'm sorry for being so sensitive.

Thank you for being accepting of me.

I say that all the time. I'm sorry, I know I'm too sensitive. I say that all the time. What is the response?

Thank you for being accepting of me.

I love that. That one I need to keep right here. I'm sorry, I always mess up.

Thank you for being patient when I make a mistake.

I'm sorry that you have to help me so much.

Thank you for doing me a favor.

I'm sorry for talking so much.

Thank you for listening to me. We've never said any of these.

Those are good examples. Those are really good examples. So what are things to do instead? Be direct. Just own it. Be, be yourself.

You don't have to apologize.

Empower yourself to say things that you mean and you feel without feeling bad about it. I am— I'm not shocked. A lot of women have responded to me and said that this is so hard for them, and I think that the first step is to be aware. And I think that as we go, I'm going to be more aware because I know I have this bad habit. As we go through our day, just be aware of doing it and stop yourself and replace it. And I think that the more we're aware about it, the more that we can change it. What else can we do? We can model to our children how to communicate without apologizing. We don't want our kids going through the whole day with apologizing. I don't want to hear my kids say, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Unless they did something wrong. Yes. If they did something wrong, they can apologize.

So they could wear a rubber band on and then snap it every time you catch yourself apologizing. And pretty soon you'll stop apologizing for things that you shouldn't apologize for.

Are you doing that on purpose?

Yes, but not for this exercise.

Okay.

But you could.

You could for sure. I could snap myself every time I go to eat a cookie. Would that work?

Yeah. You would associate pain to the cookies and you'd stop eating them. That's a great idea. I'm doing it to remove critical thoughts.

Oh, I love it. I love it.

Because I would like to be less critical.

Yeah, but then you're like harming yourself. You're like flicking yourself all day.

It doesn't— well, first of all, I'm doing this so I don't have to do it all day. And second of all, you'd be surprised how quick it works.

Sounds like it would hurt.

That's the point. You stop doing the thing because you don't want it to hurt.

We are live on Facebook and YouTube. If you end up listening to this next week on my podcast, Seth has a rubber band around his wrist that he's talking about flicking himself when he has a critical thought. Yeah. So I just want to explain visual things that we're doing.

To the auditory people.

To the auditory people. Learn better choices like saying thank you. I love that. Let's replace I'm sorry with thank you. It's so much more empowering, don't you think?

Yes.

Yes. We talked about be empathic without apologizing. We don't have to apologize that it's raining. We can just say, "I know it sucks." It's not our job to apologize for the rain. And we talked about the fact that we do need to apologize when it's necessary. Sometimes we do need to apologize, but can we save it for when it's actually necessary? Because it also loses its power. Yes, it loses its power and it loses its oomph if we use it all the time.

It does not mean as much.

If you are watching this, tell us, do you find that you are apologizing all day?

Or often?

Or often? Do you think that you apologize too much? Do you think that you could be more empowered in your communication? What do you think?

Stop paying attention.

Let us know. I want us to take a compliment, people. This goes along with it because I think that women in general, like when they're saying I'm sorry and when they're, not taking a compliment. I feel like they're putting themselves down.

Yes, you're literally defending yourself against praise. Why would— I would never do that. I would never say, yo, you're wrong, don't give me credit for that, right?

But it is uncomfortable for some people to get compliments, and I have consciously worked on that. And I think that if we become conscious of things, we can change them. If you're doing stuff subconsciously all day, you can't work on anything.

Awareness is the first of the 12 steps, right?

Always, always awareness is the first step to everything. So instead of saying, okay, so Seth, let's say Seth says to me, honey, I love the dress you're wearing.

I do love the dress.

Oh, this old thing. This has been in my closet forever. That's what people say. Yes. Or oh gosh, it was $10 at Target. This is nothing.

Right? That's, that's not the right answer. Thank you. You're welcome.

So, so now Seth will come home and he'll say something like, oh, you look so pretty. And I just say, thank you. So let's work on it, people. Let's take a compliment.

Hey, that was a delicious dinner, honey. Oh, I just threw that together from what was in the fridge. That's awesome that you threw it together from what was in the fridge.

I know.

I think that we're not aware of how you pull the dinner out of your butt. That's impressive.

Listen, I'm raising my hand. I'm guilty. I wrote this for me too. I am working on this stuff. We are all a work in progress. None of us are perfect. All we can do is learn from our mistakes. And I don't think they're big mistakes to not take a compliment. I just think that you need to— part of my mission is I want women to own their greatness. I want you to know how awesome you are. I want you to talk to yourself how you talk to your best friend. I want us to surround ourselves with people who lift us up. I want us to take a compliment and stop apologizing through our day. And I want to just give you some examples, things that women tend to apologize for. More examples. We apologize when we say no. Why do we do that?

Because you feel guilty.

We feel guilty for saying no. There's a whole book, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.

That's the title.

You and my mother have brought it up to me so many times, so I obviously need to read it. Do you have any idea if I have read that book?

You have not read that book.

Have you read that book?

I read the book because my mother had it.

Did it help you?

Yes.

Yes.

I mean, no, and I don't feel guilty about it. I'm here all week.

You do not tend to go through your days feeling sorry and guilty.

I do not.

So before I move more stuff, why don't you tell us why that is? All right, give us some key points. Any— you got anything?

I don't understand. So I don't— why don't I— I don't know why you— what the better question is, why do you feel that way?

It's a confidence issue.

Okay, well then there's your answer.

So since since I was younger, as I evaluated, you know, like childhood anxiety or not speaking up for myself, as I went through the years in my head of analyzing myself, it's down to confidence.

All right, so then you got to be more confident, right?

So maybe you're just confident. Do you feel like you're confident?

Pretty much.

Pretty much.

Yeah, I mean, I'm working on it. It's not 100%, but I say it's up there.

Why, why do you think that you're confident?

I believe in myself. I know I can do it. I know it'll work out. I believe in a higher power.

So one of the themes in our marriage is that Seth will say to me, you have no idea how capable you are.

Yes. And you know, we have this discussion on a regular basis because you'll say you're overwhelmed, or it's the last night, or then I put— it's too much, it's too much. It's not too much. If it were physically too much, you wouldn't have gotten it all done. You always get it all done. So maybe we could stop saying that it's too much because it's not.

So Seth made an impact on my day. I did.

Yeah, I did not know this.

Well, I'm emotional because I realize that I don't realize how capable I am a lot of the time.

Yes, you do not know that you are enough.

Yes. So, for example, I had to rush to get the girls, rush home, rush to get Lily ready, rush her to Lockport. So instead of saying some of the things that I have said to myself is, I'm overwhelmed.

Yeah, that's a recurring thing.

It's too much.

Yeah, I had that yesterday.

What did I do to myself?

Yeah.

Okay, so instead of that, what could you say? What I was saying to myself, you got this. Yes, you got this. It was actually, you got this, girl.

I knew there was a girl subconsciously. I was waiting for you to see if you would say it. I heard when you said you got this, I heard the girl in my head.

So how we talk to ourselves completely impacts what we say to other people, what we say to ourselves, our emotional state, how we're feeling, our emotional state. So changed the overwhelmed, too much, I'm not enough, I can't do this, to you got this, it's okay, it's gonna get done, you're gonna get there on time. In fact, when I was driving there and a 30-ish minute drive took us 40 minutes and I was like, you know, it was like rush hour and I was like, it's okay, it's traffic. If you're a little late, most people will probably be a little late. It's gonna be fine. So it's totally, it's totally confidence.

Congratulations. That was some great talk. Now, can you accept the compliment?

Yes, I think I did a good job.

There you go, ladies and gentlemen.

Other than freaking out on Lily because I was trying to get her out the door.

That's a whole other topic.

That I didn't do well. My self-talk was good. That was because of you. Because you— because you told me no more overwhelmed. Yeah, no more too much.

Out of your vocabulary.

Take it away. You're a capable woman. You can handle it. You always do. You're gonna stop saying those two things. So I took it in because I completely agree with him. And I think that a lot of our— as women, I hate that I'm generalizing, so forgive me— is the confidence issue. You're capable, you're enough, We got this.

You got this.

We apologize for changing our mind. That is something that my mother taught me. Thank you, Mom.

That you should change your mind?

You— no, you are like, just make a decision, just make a decision. That's a whole nother topic.

I might have said that, okay, a few million times.

So what my mom has taught me is it's okay to make a decision and it's okay to change your mind about your decision. Yes. So, and we don't— I will never change my mind about marrying you.

Good answer.

Okay, I knew exactly where you were going. We've had this conversation before. So we apologize for changing our mind. We don't need to do that. We apologize for thinking differently than someone. We don't need to do that. We do not have to think like someone else. Someone else might be a Republican and you might be a Democrat, and that's okay.

Yep.

It's an extreme example. But you might love the color blue and your friend loves the color pink. We don't have to think the same.

You don't have to like blue for me.

I want to also say, please stop apologizing about delayed responses, all of you. If you're my friend, listen to me. I know that you're busy. I know that you're working. I know that you have children and a husband and pets and whatever. Get back to me when you can. And, and I don't expect you to respond to me right away. I don't expect him to respond to me right away. He will say, I'm so—

used to, we had to work on that.

Okay, no, you will still say to me, I'm so sorry, I was so busy. You don't have to say that. I know that you're busy.

I don't have to send one of these applies to me.

Don't, yeah, don't preempt that you're busy. I know that you're busy. Okay, now let's go, let's go along with that line busy that I hate. I hate the word busy. We are not supposed to use the word busy because it makes people feel unimportant.

I'm too busy for you.

Everybody has full lives. We make people a priority. We get back to people when we can. Yes, it's, it's not that you're not a priority. So instead of saying I'm so busy, maybe we could come up with new lines for you to say because it does make the other person feel unimportant.

Yes, I do not want to make you feel that Everything else is more important than you.

I already know that you're busy. I already know.

You are correct.

So I know that you'll respond when you can respond. I have friends. You all know that my work is flexible. I do it at home. I do it when I can fit it in my life. I know that some of you are at your job all day long for 8, 9, 10 hours. I don't expect you to respond to my text right away or my voicemail right away.

Can wait.

No, not PTA. Like, it was— I'm actually— I don't even know what I'm thinking of. PTA.

I would not hesitate to throw the PTA under the bus.

Let's not apologize for taking care of ourselves. We need to take care of ourselves. Yes, we need to set boundaries and we need to take care of ourselves.

Yes.

No, I can't come to that meeting. The end. Not I'm sorry. Not I'm sorry. You know, I can't meet that day. Let's pick a different day. We don't need to say I'm so sorry, I have so much going on that day.

Zip it.

Change your language.

Be honest.

Be honest.

I don't want to come to your stinking damn meeting anyway.

Cut it out.

You told me to be honest.

Seth does not like meetings that could be an email. And I 100% agree with him. If you can write it in an email, do not have a meeting.

Or if perhaps you have to do charity work with a company and you send out the PowerPoint every— we do not need an hour meeting to go over the PowerPoint that everyone could have just read and sent an email back saying, yeah, that sounds good.

Yeah, just send the PowerPoint. That's an excellent— I mean, I think that some people like to explain their PowerPoint with more verbiage.

Oh dear Lord. I did not need more verbiage the other day. We spent an hour going over the thing that I already read.

Be yourself, be confident, be empowered. You'll be more successful.

Lily told me I don't have to come to the meeting.

You'll feel better about yourself. Honey bunny.

Honey bunny.

Is there anything else that you want to say about stopping the apologies?

I would say I'm sorry, but that defeats the purpose. No, baboom!

Why, why are you being sarcastic?

Because it's funny.

Okay, well, thank you for appreciating my sense of humor. We are going to say thank you more.

Thank you.

I do like that. Well, thank you for helping me with this talk. This is an important topic because I just want to help to empower women and to make women feel more confident and secure in themselves.

Yeah.

So I will— Lily, you're making So much noise, honey. So I will continue to work on this for you and for myself. And I want to tell you a couple of things. First of all, this Friday is a special Father's Day podcast, and I had the privilege of coming up with all the questions that I wanted to ask Seth about fatherhood.

There are some pretty Intense question.

I had the best time. We had 7 hours in the car going to soccer one day. So I spent, I don't know how much time in the car coming up with these questions.

I didn't realize that's what you were doing in the car while I was driving.

And I was so excited to get to ask him these questions and hear his answers. So tune in on Friday. You're going to love it. And I promise you'll learn something from him. And I want to wish all the happy Father's Day this weekend. And the grandpas, including my husband, who's a wonderful father.

Father, not a grandpa. And thank you so much for watching, reading, tuning in, participating in all things Winey Palooza.

And I also wanted to tell you about a challenge. So if you go to Facebook and you join my Winey Palooza Mom Facebook Rebecca Greene. It's— the goal is to have a supportive community where we can support each other, talk about weaknesses, challenges, strengths, share with one another. And I love to do challenges and I love to give away prizes. So there will be a birthday challenge because my birthday is next week. So I have a couple of ideas. So that's coming soon. So come and join us. And thank you so much and have a wonderful week.

Thank you for watching Ready for Woozer Wednesday with the Greene family. Cha-cha chicken!

Cha-cha chicken!

Thanks everyone.