Whinypaluza Wednesday Prom Pressure

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

How is everyone doing? How are you surviving May?

Happy May Madness!

I was supposed to write about May Madness.

I think you got sidetracked by a different issue.

Well, so here's what happens to me. I lay out a plan and I'm like, I'm gonna write about this this week, and then I'm gonna write about this, and then I'm gonna write about this. And I had like 3 weeks, but then life gets in the way. Life happens. And I like to authentically write about what is going on with us. Yes, I like to write about topics, requests that you give me, but I also love to write about like, what am I— what am I living as a mom? What is— what is troubling me? What is going well? What is a struggle? We got some stuff.

We got stuff.

So the topic this week is the pressure of prom, and I think that as parents— and I've talked to— I've gotten the pleasure of talking to so many parents over the years, and I think that we get these ideas in our head of what our kids are supposed to be doing. They're supposed to get good grades. They're not supposed to struggle in school. They're supposed to hit every milestone. They're They're supposed to join clubs and sports. They're supposed to have tons of friends. Like, we have all these supposed to's in our head. And one of my supposed to's is you're supposed to go to prom. So our son is 17 and the junior prom is Friday and he doesn't wanna go. And we've been talking about it for weeks and we have tried multiple things. He would laugh right now. We did get permission. We did get permission to talk about this.

Yes.

So I wrote the blog and then I said, I need you to read this and approve this. So I was never ever gonna do this without approval. That's important to me. And, you know, my kids know that the reason why I talk about any of this stuff is because we want relate to others and help others and know— we want others to know that they're not alone. So in putting this issue out, the amount of mothers who have told me that I'm not alone is— they don't feel alone and I don't feel alone. We're all—

there you go, that's even better.

If you're dealing with an issue with your child, I can almost guarantee that there are other people dealing with the same stuff. You're never alone. Mothers and fathers struggle with different issues, and I was gentle about it. I was like, I think you should go. I got firmer about it and said, you need to go. I was like, you're gonna regret it. This is like a big milestone. I don't want in 20 years him to look back and be like, why didn't I try it? Why didn't I go? I'm like, you like to dance. You're gonna go have fun. You have people to go with, go have fun. So Seth tried to be like, oh, you're going. We tried to bribe him.

I did try.

We tried multiple things and failed over and over again. What am I gonna do? Make, drag a 200-pound kid to the dance? Am I gonna physically drag him? No, I'm not gonna do that. You gonna do that? 'Cause I'm not gonna do that.

I might have to recruit some friends, a bunch of friends to help me drag him.

He's like, I'm gonna get a bunch of people and we're gonna drag him to the dance. That is not gonna happen.

Okay, apparently I'm not— I wasn't gonna do that for this Friday, but yes.

So we tried multiple things. We tried giving— if you're— if your child does not want to go to the prom, I think that first we need to assess why is that? Why don't they want to go to the prom? Do they have anybody to go with? Do they not like social situations? Is it overstimulating? Do— have they gone to dances before and not enjoyed it? Is it not their thing? Um, are they not being included? Like, first we have to figure out what is the issue before we can even help. If you have tried to help, like us, yeah, we know he has people to go with. I do think that it is overstimulating and overwhelming, you know. Another topic that I need to do is I need to research and analyze and learn about introverts, because as an extrovert, I don't always understand introverts. And Max, as much as Max is talkative, he talks to everybody at school, he talks to his teachers, he talks to his friends, he, he goes to the board and teaches the class. Like, I know what he's capable of, but I also know that he would tell you that he's an introvert, and I think I need to learn more about that.

And I think it's on different topics like, I think he feels confident explaining something in front of a class. That does not mean he is extroverted and wants to go to a dance.

Well, so what I said to myself when I was writing this is you've got the classroom versus a dance, and in the classroom Max is in front of the class teaching something, and at a dance he's totally probably overstimulated and overwhelmed.

Right, and isn't necessarily an authority figure with education.

Well, I mean, it's a different environment, but I will tell you that as a freshman at homecoming, he got right in and was dancing with them and had a great time. Or sophomore— when he was a sophomore. Max keeps things interesting. He didn't go to homecoming as a freshman, he went as a sophomore, had a good time. He went as a junior, didn't have a good time, and now doesn't want to go to the prom. Mucho expensivo. Guilt. The entire hoopla is focused on romantic situations and a hyped-up party mentality. Overwhelming, says Jamie. Jamie, that is really good. And I think that the thing that I lost in this blog— you can read it at winniepluza.com, I did write a whole thing about it— I think what I did not write about and lost is the romantic pressure. And I think that you can— Ella and I were just talking about the fact that you can just go as friends, but both parties have to actually know that it's friend— really friends. Like, you're really going just as friends. And like, why can't you just go with a group of people and not have a date? I think there's too much pressure around it. Just tell your kid to go with some friends. They don't have to have a date. They don't have to have a corsage. They don't have to have a limo. They don't have to have an appointment for their hair and makeup. Who am I kidding? Our girls are going to want to have their hair and makeup done.

Yes, but girls are different.

So, oh, so Seth brings up a good point. All the girls— it's very rare for me to hear from a friend that their daughter doesn't want to go. It is much more common for me to hear that their son doesn't want to go.

Okay, interesting.

And my friend Jody, who might still be watching, She said a really good line to me, and I'm trying to remember your line, Jodi. It was like, school and learning is enjoyable to Max, not a dance. Like, a dance isn't his thing. And she just put it in a way— like, sometimes your friends say things to you that just make it make more sense to you. Like, Jamie's watching. Jamie's like, yeah, of course a dance isn't Max's thing. Like, I'm more surprised than my friends are. My friends are like, that's interesting, right? Like, my friends are like, "Yeah, I can see Max not wanting to go to the prom," and I'm like, "Go have fun and dance!" Are we perhaps projecting it all our own stuff? Well, okay, so that is an excellent point. I went to the junior and senior prom. As did I. I had a wonderful time.

As did I.

So we want that for our kid.

Yes, but he obviously does not want that for him and does not associate those same positive feelings.

So what I said to myself and trust me, I'm still upset about this. This helped a little bit. What I said to myself was, you did your prom story, you did it, and you chose to go. Like, that was your story. This is Max's story, and Max and Ella and Lily, our kids, are gonna write their stories very differently. Ella and I were just joking in the car that Lily's gonna go to everything— spring dance, Yes, prom, yes, how can I help? What committee can I be on? What can I join? Can I throw the party? You know, um, she's gonna have a boyfriend at every single dance. I mean, it's just a totally different kid. Max is like, um, I was just telling Ella's wonderful voice teacher that it will be a Saturday night and I will say, Maxwell, go out with your friends and go have fun, and he'll be like, um, I have 3 exams on Monday, I need to study.

That sounds about right.

Oh my God. So all of our tactics did not work.

We struck out.

Um, we put a lot of pressure on him to go. He rejected all the pressure. I did not pull the do it for your mom card.

I carried you for 9 months.

And here's the thing, here's the thing. I don't want him to go for me. I don't want him to go because I'm telling him to go. I want him to go because he genuinely wants to go and he wants to go have fun and dance. He likes to dance. I mean, go dance and have fun.

You're preaching to the choir.

So we both tried.

We did.

We expect him to go.

We expected—

we expected him to go. This is a milestone in life that I feel like kids should at least attempt. I feel like you should at least—

in your— in our minds— in your mind, I don't know if I would use the word milestone, but you're labeling it a milestone. He is not.

No, he's rejecting all of it.

Yes.

So I mean, I guess the reason why I felt very compelled to share this is that we do things like we say they must go to college and they must get good grades and they must date and they must do this. They don't, they don't agree to our terms.

I mean, I am seeing that.

I mean, I guess the point is let them write their own story.

If he would be hard as parents to let that go.

It's been a couple weeks of hard, like emotionally. I don't think it's been easy. I'm like, what do you mean you're not gonna go to the prom? And, and I'm like, Max, you could go with this person, you could go with that person, these, these people are all going. And he's like, basically like, it's not that I have a shortage of people to go with, Mom, I just don't want to go. Right?

Correct.

Do you have any more information that I don't have about him not wanting to go?

I wish I did. I don't know any secrets that would help you.

He doesn't seem interested, and I tried to explain to him that it's very different from homecoming. It's just your class.

Yeah, less people.

It's a different experience. And I mean, my hope is that next year he's willing to give it a try.

Yes.

But I don't necessarily know that he's going to.

We can talk about that in a year.

Okay, but if we go back to middle school, he didn't want to go to things. Like, they would ask me to plan things and I would be like, Max, I'm planning this, I'm helping them plan this, can you please go? My friend was like, we need help next year for all of the senior events, like the after-prom party. Like, we're gonna need you next year. Like, we need your help. And I'm thinking to myself, okay, well, I would like to know that he's actually going before I help with stuff, right? Like, I want to help school and I want to be giving, and you know, I want to plan an event, right? You know I want to volunteer for stuff and you know I enjoy it.

Volunteer for everything.

I, well, I, I have my limits. I only have so much time in the day, but I would like him to actually try to go things next year that I, before I commit to planning anything.

Now maybe we need to have that conversation, you know, in the fall or over the summer.

So as I see 50 million prom pictures this weekend, I think every, I think every single Williamsville— here's the good news. The good news is I am throwing an event Friday, and I am going to be so busy that I don't have to worry about fitting in prom pictures. So there is a silver lining.

There you go, one less thing on your list.

But I will tell you, there will be— there— all of the high schools in my area are doing prom on Friday. There's going to be a gazillion pictures, and no pictures No memories, no pictures. He rejects it all.

We'll have to have other memories.

So we will enjoy his award ceremony.

There you go.

We will enjoy other things.

Yep.

And all the football games, but he's not gonna agree to all of the stuff that we want him to go to, and it's a hard pill to swallow. I am all about autonomy and letting them empower themselves to some degree to make their own decisions. Where are we?

They know their own mind, and I know I am projecting my own ideals on my kids, but they need to decide certain things for themselves. You do you type of thinking. There is something making kids uncomfortable enough to want— not want to force themselves to participate. We can't let our FOMO get in their way.

I love it.

Jody says my son begrudgingly went to prom, making the decision on the last day of ticket sales because Um, because his group of friends, group of friends decided to go. He had a good time, but it definitely wasn't any rite of passage moment for him the way it was for me, right? We have— have it be a different deal in our mind than they do.

Um, okay, so that's good for me to hear. So see, like, we think it's like this big wonderful thing, and like, especially like Some of the boys love it. I'm not saying, I'm not saying all boys. Some of the boys go and have a great time.

I love every dance. I was there.

Some of the boys go and they're like this. Well, and I also said to him, I said, you realize that if you go and you're not having fun, you can leave? Like, you don't have to stay, right?

It's not a prison.

I will tell you, nothing I said worked. I tried. I am not the type of person to force him. We do know a family who told their son that he has to go and he's going, and I hope that he has fun. We do know people who struggled to find people to go with. So like, there's multiple reasons. Maybe you don't have a date, maybe you don't have people to go with, maybe you don't like dancing. Like, there's lots of reasons. Maybe you're an introvert and it's too much for you. Like, I respect that. Not everybody, you know, Max said to me during one of our conversations about prom, and he says this like I don't know this. I really do know this. He's like, Mom, I'm not you. I respect that Max is nothing like me. I mean, well, he's got my heart. He's got my heart, don't you think?

Yes, he's very sweet.

He does have some of me, but a lot of you— he has a lot of me, but he's not me. And I wanted to go dance at every single dance. There weren't enough dances for me, I wanted more, and I wanted a new dress for every dance. And my mom and I fought about that, and she was like, you don't need a new dress.

Well, can't be in pictures wearing the same dress, Mom.

I am going to tell you something, okay?

How do you try to get rid of—

I don't know how you—

I don't know how you get it to go away.

Okay, just leave it alone. You don't need to see my face.

I know what you're like.

So I'm going to tell Seth this right now.

Okay.

I want you to soak this in. Our son doesn't want to go. Our daughters are going to want a different dress for every dance, and I'm going to soak up and love every single minute of buying them a different dress for every single dance. And you're not going to say they don't need a new dress.

I can't promise that, but I might not say that at least once.

Um, I want you to know that—

I mean, Lily could start— I mean, they're not— I mean, Lily's gonna go to dances in middle school. I mean, she'll grow, she'll be tall.

My friend just told me that the prom dress was $450.

Okay, no, we do not need a new $450 dress ever. I will say that. That's ridiculous.

No, no, I'm backing up. $450 for prom is very different than other dances. Spring dance.

But you don't need a $400, $450 dress every time. No, no, for prom, $450 is a little— I don't know, I'm a guy, I don't know anything about the cost of women's fashion, but to me, $450 for a dress you're wearing once, that's not your wedding, is ridiculous.

Okay. Um, PS, after many dollar signs, Shayna reported back to me she felt like it was less amazing than she made it out to be. The bar is really high and I'm not sure the event itself lives up to the hype. Girls versus guys see it differently. Don't drink the Kool-Aid.

That's Jamie. And Jody says you seriously can't be seen with the same dress twice. It's a kiss of high school death. I wore the same suit. Nobody said a word.

Okay, I want to be clear. I would—

how would you remember?

I would buy—

other than the picture on our mantle of you the year before, no one would know it was the same dress unless you guys are all tracking each other's dresses. You have too much free time.

Did not want to wear the same dress more than once. My mother made me.

Thank God.

I will not do that. I totally—

okay, as long as they're not $450, that's ridiculous.

Okay, so I would gladly buy—

we have a budget for how much the dress is.

Can we— can I say something please?

On your show? Sure.

I will gladly buy Max new clothes for every single dance he will go to. I would buy him— I tried to bribe him. Seth and I were like, what do you want?

Okay, I wasn't bribing him with clothes. I offered him something for his computer.

No, he— Max was like, what kind of tech stuff do you need? What can we buy you?

Does your computer need a new graphics card?

Bribery did not work.

Failed completely.

Gentle, firm bribery.

Nothing worked.

Nothing worked. He does not want to go. I think we get the picture. Yes. So the silver linings. Yes, I'm very busy on Friday, so I don't have to fit something else in. Yeah, I'm saving money. Yeah, but ultimately I'm sad about it.

All right, Jody says my daughter got her prom dress from a consignment store for about $20. She could not believe the price for a new dress. It was beautiful, and I was so proud of her thriftiness. Jody, you are my hero! That's what I'm talking about. Plato's Closet.

Jody, do not tell Seth.

Jody, you are the winner of the prize for this evening.

Oh my gosh, how much was Ella's dress from Macy's for homecoming? Do you remember? Was it $100 something?

$80 or $100 bucks?

I think it was $100.

Don't be sorry, Jody, that was very helpful. I appreciate that. I'm going to save this recording.

I think that Seth can deal with $100 much better than $450.

That just seems ridiculous.

Oh my God, she showed me the dress, it's gorgeous.

Yeah, but it's not $300 more gorgeous than the $100 one.

Okay, hopefully you can't tell the difference. Okay, so anyway, for their senior prom, I'm not making you any promises.

Okay, well, we'll talk.

I will go shopping without stuff.

I'll stay away from the bank that day.

Oh my God.

Okay, I'm gonna get a phone call. Mr. Green, there's a transaction attempting to go through.

They're gonna be like, this does not look like one of your normal purchases. Do you approve this?

No. Yeah, I'm gonna get the text message going, fraud alert, this is not Wegmans for $400.

Well, so the bottom line is our kids don't always agree with us.

Yeah, what we want is not—

sometimes we're going to be disappointed, sometimes we're going to be sad. It's gonna be okay. I'm gonna focus on the 5 AP exams that he is focused on right now.

Yes. Jamie says, we tried consignment, no dress lived up to the preconceived image. Oh my God, so don't have any images.

Look, first of all, tone it down behind me. Sorry, Jamie. Shayna looked amazing for her dances. You found such beautiful dresses. I think you're gonna have to come shopping with us because you did such a good job.

Jamie, I'll give you a bonus if you keep it under $100.

How about this? How about we rent Shayna's dresses. There you go.

Okay, if they fit—

boom, boom, mic drop!

I have to get the girls to like them.

Anyways, just moving right along. I, I'm totally— I'm, I'm a little bit kidding because they're gonna want to go shop and pick out their own dresses.

How about like renttherunway.com or something?

So it's interesting that I got through middle school with Max like not really wanting to do much. And then Ella got involved in a ton of things, and Lily's getting involved in a ton of things, and they're just— I mean, Max has gotten involved a lot this year. Yes, just he's got his own story and his own ideas. I am your girl for shopping assistance. I cannot wait. So on Friday, I will enjoy all of your pictures. I will still love you.

You'll be busy. You'll look at them after the event. I want to go to sleep and you'll be like, no, I got 3 more hours of prom pictures to look at.

I— after my event, when I get home and everything's cleaned up, I'm gonna have a ton of adrenaline. I'm gonna look at all of your beautiful kids. I want them to be safe. I want them to have a good time. I want them to reject any pressure. Just make some memories, have a good time, or be Max and go to the gym with your friend and think that you're funny. Or that, or that. So we're gonna go say goodnight to our kids.

Yes.

And I believe I, I looked the other day and I didn't look today, but I think Brenda Swanson is on the podcast. And we had an awesome overall wellness conversation. She had so much advice about the mind and the body, and I love working on my mind and my body. So you will love her, you will learn from her. Listen to the podcast, share it with a friend, like, share, comment, subscribe. And, um, if you go to winniepulsa.com, there is a Linktree with my links to everything, the one place, the newsletter, TikTok, Facebook, everything. We're just having a grand old time.

Yes.

And, uh, I hope that you are surviving May Madness. I hope that you are enjoying that our weather is getting better here in Buffalo, New York, and we wish you a calm, wonderful week.

Happy Winey Blues Wednesday!