Whinypaluza Wednesday: The New Me

Oh, hi!

You're live, honey.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday! No need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday. Have some wine and join us on the Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family.

Cha-cha-chicken!

Best of luck! You've been doing so much singing. I like that your bat mitzvah lessons is leading to me hearing you sing more. That's making me super happy, by the way, and I'm really proud of you and your bat mitzvah lessons. Thank you. Thank you for singing. You can run away. Come back at the end, please. Okay, come super close.

Super close.

Super close.

You know, okay, sometimes you tell me I'm too close, I need to get away, or that you're too hot. No hot flashes right now?

No, you made the house freezing.

Well, that's because somebody turned the thermostat up to 78 by mistake, and I was wondering why I was Sweating like crazy.

Oh my gosh, how is everyone doing? Uh, if you live near me, we are having some really warm October weather, and we just went to a double warming, baby, fantastic soccer game. What? What?

Yay, Max and team!

Okay, so let's talk about my topic this week. Um, before I jump in, I want to thank everyone who took part in the October challenge with me. That was a lot of fun. And I delivered prizes on—

the Winey Palooza ferry showed up on Tuesday.

I think I delivered prizes and that was a lot of fun driving around.

It was yesterday.

Yeah, yesterday.

Yesterday.

This week is a little cuckoo because we had Monday off. So I've been off a day.

Yes.

But I've just started noticing the changes in me. And I'm sure you've heard about changes in my parenting and changes in my marriage that I have had over the years.

And if you've been watching us or reading her for any length of time—

well, yeah. And if you go back to the person who started the first blog— oh my goodness, can you imagine comparing? So Lily, do that. That's a great idea. So Lily just turned 9, our youngest.

Happy birthday.

Lily was not even 1 when I started writing the blog, so it's been over 8 years. And if we compared the person who did the first blog 8 years ago to the person who wrote this blog, night and day, that I published this morning, it's like a completely different person, right? I mean, you see it.

Yeah.

So I think the, the 30s mother is very different than the 40s mother. Do you see that?

Yes.

Okay, so let's—

you— yes.

So let's talk about it, and I want to hear if you relate to me, don't relate to me. I want to hear how you've changed.

Yes, please chime in.

I would love to hear your progress, changes, evolution. So let's—

Lisa Wallenfalls is joining us.

Oh, oh my goodness! Hi, Lisa! So the old me, you Let's talk about the old me.

Drum roll.

Ouch! I'm so tired. Don't hit me. I couldn't go to sleep. Seth, do you remember this, lady?

Painfully.

I couldn't go to sleep until I thought the house was perfect.

Oh my God. She used to stay up late doing dishes and cleaning stuff. And I'd be like, let's go to bed. And she'd be like, no, I got one more thing. One more thing.

And all the toys needed to be perfect. Everything had to look good. Are you still—

Dean was coming to visit at 11 o'clock at night, apparently.

Are you still that person, or have you loosened up? Who are you? Do you need your house to be perfect? I do not need my house to be perfect.

Where are you on the OCD scale?

So back when we had one child, I was still OCD to the max.

You were very anal.

So when Seth met me and, and we lived together, I expected the house to be perfect.

Yeah.

And then, and then we had Max, and I expected the house to be perfect. And then we had Ella, and I started to loosen up.

Yes.

And then we had Lily, and let most of it go. Yeah. So each child has loosened me up. So I am not that person anymore.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I do not like wasting time on cleaning, but we'll talk about that. The old me had to volunteer at every single event. That old me had a lot of time and energy.

Yeah, where did all that time— where— what happened to all that?

I don't understand how I had time and energy for all of that.

It's like my retired clients who say, I don't know how I fit work in, I'm busy all day.

No, so the new me does not have time to volunteer for everything. I still like—

new me realizes you don't have time to volunteer for everything.

I still like to volunteer, but not for everything. Yes. Okay, the old me could never ever miss a soccer game. I would have done anything to not miss anything. And I was a little crazy. And now I have— the older your kids get, the busier they get.

Yes.

And now I have 3 kids in 3 directions, and there's no way that I'm attending every single thing, right? Even though I would love to, it's not—

it's not realistic in multiple places at the same time. Which is why I livestream the soccer games so you can listen to them or watch them from the car.

He is hysterical. If I am—

and we have a dog and 2 cats, right? The cats don't go anywhere, the dog does.

Um, no, but she brings up a good point.

You gotta be home for the dog.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not even what I was gonna say. I think Joette is talking about cleanliness. Joette, are you talking about the cleanliness of the home? Because holy moly, if you want your house to be clean, do not get a golden retriever. Um, nobody warned me the degree to which they shed. So anyway, all of these friends who are getting non-shedding dogs are brilliant. Yes, Joette understands. She's talking about cleaning. The two cats and the dog have hair everywhere, and I'm cleaning up hair every single day, which brings me to my next point, that the old me was constantly, constantly cleaning. Thumbs up. To dog hair. Everything. So the old me was constantly cleaning, and the new me does not value or prioritize that. I actually— I do think it's important for us to have a clean, orderly home. I do value that. However, Tayton's here! Hi, Tayton! Um, I do value a clean home, but I do not value— I feel like I'm wasting time if I to spend like the whole day cleaning. And I'm also— the, the new me likes to use the money that I'm earning to pay for cleaning ladies.

Yes, you felt bad when you weren't generating financial money. Jen, can we spend it on cleaning? I'm home, I should be able to do that. And I told you then I would happily pay for it to get you to do something other than clean. So I'm glad that you own it now.

I just don't value it. And I'll tell you, some people get joy from it and some people enjoy it. I am not that person. My friend spent the day organizing helping someone organize. I am not that person. I don't want to help you organize. If you, if you are having an issue with your husband or your kids, I will gladly come over and talk to you and help you. And I love your feelings. I love that. I will, I will help you with your issues, but I don't want to help you organize or clean your house.

You can organize your issues, honey.

I know, right?

Bins for issues.

Um, the old me would run around to a million stores if the kids were having a birthday. You could find me. I would go.

You learned that a certain person.

I would go— they would go to school and I would go to 10 stores to get everything I need.

And now I value my time more because it had to be the perfect thing and you had to find it at the perfect price. And if you drove to 4 stores to save $2—

I don't care about the perfect price, but I cared about the per— finding the perfect thing.

Got it.

And now I try to get everything at one store. I do my best. No, I try to go to one store and buy as much as I can. Right. I think I've changed.

Yes, you have improved. You, you have.

I think you're getting less— yes, um, less receipts but more Amazon.

Yeah. Oh God, yes, Amazon has replaced a lot. You can help me organize my cat hair. I'd rather spend time with you to organize our thoughts.

Jamie's here. Um, yes, I would so much rather spend the day with you talking about our feelings than spending the day cleaning with you. I don't want to clean our cat hair. Jamie has 7 cats and 2 dogs, and I don't want to clean up any of the hair.

Feelings about that. But the cosmoas are here too.

The cosmoas are here. They're probably driving home from dance, would be my guess.

So tune in to Rebecca Live.

The old me was a micromanager. Yes, yes, Tayton, 100%.

The older we get, the more valuable we realize our time is. That's a write her down, or Tayton, that's a good quote. I'm going to use that.

I definitely wasted time. I definitely didn't realize it was precious. I, I knew that I had like X number of hours in the day, but I didn't really realize how to prioritize my day. So the old me had no idea how to prioritize, and the new me knows how important time is and knows how to prioritize. Like, for instance, I have to go wash Max's soccer uniform for tomorrow. I don't have to go wash my floors. So it's just like what has to get done today and what's important. It's important to me that Max has clean soccer clothes. How did field hockey go? How did the game go? Max won his soccer game and had a shutout. So I'm super proud. Let's talk about micromanaging because this was painful for my husband. Yes. I'm so sorry. You know, I see myself in Lily, and I see how controlling she is, and I feel myself cringe, and I see myself in her, and I know how controlling I was. You had to do things a certain way. You had to clean a certain way. You had to do the dishes a certain way. You had to put your shoes a certain place. And holy moly, have I loosened up.

Emma says draw.

It was a draw. Is that a tie, Emma? Hello, Emma. Emma's here. Is a draw a tie? Yes. Okay, well, that's awesome, and congratulations. They've had an awesome season. Um, our friend's daughters are playing field hockey this season, and they're doing awesome.

Got it.

So don't you think I've loosened up with the micromanaging and the controllingness?

Yes, I still— as evidenced by how much hair I have left. Yes.

Emma says yes, a draw is a tie. Okay, so the old me— this is humongous. This is like the biggest thing that I want you to take away. I have had so many women tell me how guilty they feel about this. The old me thought that self-care was selfish, and I mean that sincerely. I would go out with my friends and have—

I had to push you to go out to get a massage, to go to the spa.

He— yes, he would kick me.

I would literally go, please go take care of yourself.

He would. He— I mean, he's a wonderful husband, and he would be like— he would see how like exhausted I was.

Book you appointments at the chiropractor.

Oh my God, so he used to do that. Well, you still do that, but he'll be like, I booked you a massage, I booked you a chiropractor appointment, because he knows I'm not gonna do it.

Yes, you You've gotten much better at that. You got a massage like last week, I think. I booked it all by yourself.

Did I? Yes, I did.

I look at your face going back to that. You're thinking, you're back to your happy tiki room place.

So I used to have guilt, and I talk to women every day, and I know that there are so many women who still have guilt about self-care. And I'm here to tell you that it's necessary not selfish. Oh, Karen!

Karen says, yep, that's me. I go get my hair done once a year if I'm lucky. No, you are now— Sean is gonna make you go get your hair done like once every 3 months, and it's not luck. You have to plan it. And I know you're organized, and I know you're a planner, so plan it. Decorate your hair like you would decorate a house.

So Karen, I just got my hair done, and Kara looked at my roots and she goes Um, wait, I'm gonna answer Karen in a minute. Um, she looked at my roots and she was like, Rebecca, you have a ton of regrowth. It was like 3 inches of roots. And she was like, holy moly, when is the last time you got your hair done? So I understand what you're saying, but show her next comment. So Karen says, I always say there's no time. And what I have learned, because I used to think that way, and I know that you work full-time I wasn't ready for her comment.

Okay, sorry.

I know that you work full-time and have 2 kids and I know how busy you are. However, we have time for whatever we want to have time for and that is new for me and I realize that we have to get rid of the stuff that isn't important in our days and we have to add the stuff that is more important and I feel like the old me was clueless about that.

You thought the old me thought everything was important.

I did. I thought everything was a priority. Priority. I didn't know how to prioritize. I didn't realize everything wasn't as important. And like I said, the perfect example is that Max needs his— needs the soccer clothes washed. I have to go do that. But my floors are dirty. They don't have to get washed today. So it's just a matter of what is most important in our day. And like, when I look at my list, there's like a list in the kitchen for me I look at it every day and I'm like, what is absolute for today? So I mean, I've changed so much in realizing what's important and what's not important. And it's important for you to take time for yourself to be a better wife and mother. And my kids will even say that I look completely different when I come home from taking care of myself.

Yeah, 10 years younger, easily. Jamie says, remember, you are the connector and can put your people together.

I'm the connector and I could put my people together.

Yes, let's send Karen to— Karen to Karen at Destination Massage. Karen, go see Karen.

Oh my gosh, yes, I know exactly what Jamie's talking about. She wants me— so I have two fabulous friends— three. I have, I have so many friends who could give us amazing services. I have Karen at Destination Massage who gives the best massage you'll ever have. I have Kara and Kristen are my friends who are hairdressers who could make you look gorgeous. So more gorgeous, more gorgeous referrals. So yes, let's connect our people. And I think Karen Cosmala has a hairdresser. She just needs to make herself an appointment. Yes, I understand. Um, you're gonna relate to this. The old me was very, very hard on myself, and it was with everything. But one of the thoughts that flashed in my mind when I wrote this is that I used to like look in the mirror and be like, oh God, oh God, like, what's that? And oh God, that needs to be thinner, and that needs to be thinner, and you got to go work out more. And absolutely, absolutely, I could obviously thin down. However, my eyes are so much softer on myself, and I, and I don't look in the mirror and start criticizing myself. I've actually started looking in the mirror and saying good things to myself. So, you know, I'm proud of you, or like, I have positive self-talk through the day. So I'm like, wow, you really did a good job doing that. You know, I'll finish a podcast and be like, good job, you did a good job. Or I'll be like, I'll take all of, you know, Max and his friends home and swing back to get Ella and swing back home and get them to their activities and get them dinner on the table and I'll be like, wow, you just really managed that so well. Like, I'm talking so much nicer to myself. And at the end of the night, I'm not going, oh, you didn't get this done, this done, this done, this done. I'm saying, wow, you really had a good day. And what was good about your day?

Karen says, it's so bad that I have nail and massage gift certificates from birthdays from years ago that I still haven't gotten to use. I need to take your advice.

Oh my God, please, please take care of yourself. You're, you're going to see how much better you are even at work when you take care of yourself. And when I'm exhausted and cranky, I'm not a good mother, I'm not a good wife, and all the other stuff goes poorly.

Yes.

Um, please, please take care of yourself. I'm gonna harp on this for years to come.

Fantastic.

On myself too. We have to take care of each other too.

Yeah.

So like, if I think that you're working too hard, I might say something to you like, hey honey, I noticed that like you had a 13-hour day, you had a 12-hour day, like you might want to work a little bit less. You know, I don't want him to burn himself out, right? I mean, you agree with me, right?

I do.

I just kind of take notice of you take— you needing to take care of yourself too. Yes, right.

Hence the 13-hour day yesterday.

13-hour day yesterday is not taking care of yourself.

No, I'm saying need to take care of myself because of the 13-hour day, right?

But that's like becoming more common.

Dayton, saved by the bell, says, I have wasted for too many years saying critical things to myself. I would never do that to a friend. Why would I do it to myself? A hard lesson to learn. That's an excellent point. Would you let your friend talk to you the way you are talking to yourself? No. So why do you allow yourself to do it?

Wait, oh my gosh, you're too fast. So Jamie and I have had this conversation. I hope she doesn't mind me saying that she's too hard on herself too, and I have said to her, "I want you to think about what you would say to me when you're talking to yourself," because she's so kind and loving to me, but she's not kind and loving to herself. So I'm trying to get her to talk to herself how she talks to me, and I hope that If she's watching, she doesn't mind me using her as an example. But Tayton, the same goes for you and me, how I would talk to you or how you would talk to me. We are our own selves, deserve that too. It's like the greatest lesson we can learn is talk to ourselves how we would talk to our best friends.

Emma says, new me is learning that I bring a lot to the household rather than a salary from a job.

I don't know why we Oh, so I, I just finished the book Fair Play. That's the book my book club is reading, and she talked about how it's not like salary compared to— so like if I was a stay-at-home mom who was bringing in no income and Seth was going to work all day, she values them both the same.

I'd have to pay six figures to get someone to do the 27 jobs you did.

Well, and she also talked about how She talked about how all time is created equal. So like Seth's time is not more important because he's making money. So we, whether we're making money or not, our time and what we do is so valuable to our families. And I'm so glad that Emma is valuing herself.

Yes.

And she brings so much to her family and, um, is beginning to live in her car like I do, so she understands the taxi service business.

Yes.

Seth, do you remember the old me telling you we're too late to do something?

Oh yes, we would have a conversation, you'd be mad or something, and I would say, okay, I'll go do it. And you would say, nope, you're too late, you ruined it, you can't fix it.

I don't do that anymore. And I'll tell you what, now when he says, I know that you are about to walk up the stairs with that laundry basket. But can I take that for you? And I hand it to him.

He actually lets me. It used to be, nope, I'm at the bottom of the stairs. You can't do it. You ruined it. Too late. Now I'm just mad that I don't care that you offered to help. I'm just mad you weren't fast enough.

I don't do that anymore. I appreciate that. I accept help. The timing is not important. And I'm trying to think of an example of something that's happened where you've done that recently, like let me do that for you instead of me doing it and me being like, okay. That's new.

Yes.

So that's a change. I used to think we had to be busy all weekend. And I know now that my family does not need that at all. Like they need downtime. They don't need to be busy all weekend. I don't know why I thought I had to fill all of our time with things to do. The old me was a little crazy.

Yes.

The old me thought I had to attend every single meeting.

You wasted a lot of time in boring school meetings.

I don't think I wasted time.

All right, you invested it in something else.

So I don't prioritize that. I think it's important that we go to school meetings. I don't think we need to go to every single one.

You were queen of the meetings.

I was queen of the meetings. My kids were like— one of the things that woke me up was my kids saying, you're going to another meeting? I was like, they want you home. Why are you— think you're going to a school meeting for them and they don't want you to go, right? Um, the old me was like super reactive, right?

Yes, you have definitely gotten less reactive.

So the new me has learned a lot.

Yes, making awesome progress.

So one of which is to pause.

Power of the pause.

We will talk about the power of the pause a bazillion times because if we just take that second pause, um, it will turn everything around. And Seth, you have contributed to this going better because I will say to you, not in a good place to talk about this. And whereas you used to be more aggressive—

too bad, we're talking about it now— and made it worse.

Yes. And he used to like push and be like, no, we're talking now. And now he realizes that it's not a good time Let's, let's let her cool down because it will go better. Uh, a calm brain is going to have a much better conversation than a reactive brain. Yes, right.

Nothing good happens when you're agitated.

Um, the old me did things out of guilt, and the new me is much more choosy about my time. And like, people will try to guilt me into doing things and it doesn't faze me. And I'm like, you know what, do you want to do this? Is this something that's important to you. We need to do things that are within our values, that's something that we value, that our day— that is important in our day, and not just because we feel like we should be doing something. So that, I think that's new.

Yes, it is.

You can confirm or deny if you think— if you agree with me. Um, the old me had screwed up priorities. We talked about that. Learned to prioritize my day. The old me thought everything was important. We talked about that. Everything is not important. And I promise you that the floors can wait. And I will have a stack of even work to do. And I will be like, okay, what— I mean, I have like a list of work that's going through my brain right now that I didn't do today. But like, what had to get done today? And what can wait for tomorrow?

Yes.

So I hope that when you think about the old you— like, maybe you're in your 40s like me, maybe you're in your 30s— think about when you were in your 20s, think about when you were in your 30s, and think about how you have changed. It will make you feel so good about yourself. And it will also— when I wrote this list of the ways that I changed, I felt so— I was like, wow, you've really made so many changes. Like, we don't always realize it. So my friend commented on, on my blog and said, I didn't know the old you. So some of you didn't know me when I was first having kids, and some of you did. But the 45-year-old sitting here today is so different. And what I have learned is, okay, so let's say 10 years from now, let's say I'm 55. When I'm looking back, what am I going to be happy that I spent my time on? Am I going to be happy that I spent 5 days a week cleaning? Am I gonna be happy with all of the podcast guests and blogs that I wrote? Like, what is gonna make me feel like, oh, you did such a good job, I'm so glad that you spent your time doing that? I— anytime I attend anything for my children, it warms my heart. I value attending things for my kids. I value time with Seth. I value time with my people. And I think that we just have to think about what are our values, and if we align our days with our values, we are going to be such happier people. So live your days by your values and prioritize and think it through. Don't just go through the motions. Think through your day. What is important today? What do I want my day to look like? So anything else you want to add?

I think you said it very well.

Thank you, honey.

You're welcome. Um, I'm proud of your progress.

I'm proud of your progress. I told whoever I was talking to about the two of us, I was talking to someone about our marriage, and I was saying how we've both evolved and grown together. Yes. And that's the goal for us both, to evolve and grow and to do it together. Yes. Right?

Yes.

Ella Bella, come on down. So listen to the new podcast this Friday. And what else is coming up? Oh, so this is what I wanted to ask you. Me? No, I wanted to ask them, and you can have a suggestion too. Oh, I am a realist. Use my examples, share my lessons. Thank you, Jamie. Thank you for letting me use you as an example. And what I used for you applies to me too. I need to talk to myself how I would talk to Jamie, and Jamie needs to talk to herself how she would talk to me. So the two of us are gonna do that, and that applies to Tayton, and that applies to Ella. We need to talk to ourselves how we would talk to our best friends. Okay. Okay. My 100th episode is coming up in November of my podcast, and I would love your suggestions of how to do it with a bang. Love, love, love. We love you, Jamie.

Uh, you also have another announcement.

The app?

Yes, it is almost ready for other people to test it. The Whiny Palooza app will be coming out soon for those of you who want to participate in the beta test before we launch it in the Apple and Google stores.

Oh, very cool. You're the master of technology, my honey. And there's—

yes, you can. Yes, Ella's gonna be our first beta tester.

Ella will be our first beta tester of Yeah, well, I don't know what that was that you just showed me.

That was Tayton's emoji.

Tayton, what is that emoji? It's the party emoji. Oh, party! Hi, hi, Tegan! So I'm currently planning my 100th episode, so if you have any ideas for me, I would love your ideas. And I love the guests that you're sending me. I love the topics that you're sending me, and appreciate everyone that's watching right now. It is so much more fun to do this when you ladies are here with me.

Yes, interaction makes it much more fun.

So much more fun. Okay, Ella, bring us out. Thank you for watching Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family.

Cha-cha-chickens!

Oh my God, that's a good beat! Oh my God!