Whinypaluza Wednesday: There's no Magic Pill

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

It's the Winey Palooza Wednesday, grab some wine and join us on the Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family.

Cha-cha chicken, cha-cha chicken! Good job, Peanut! So I'm a little sad. Because cheers everyone, it's the last day of my birthday month. Can you read it? It says my birthday month. This is from my friend Jen, and Jen, if you watch this, I will text you and tell you what I said in case you're not watching. Um, I used this the whole month. I used it every Winey Poohs Wednesday and a lot more than that. And I thought of you every time I drank from it. And, um, it is not Catapalooza wine because Seth finished it.

I drank all the Catapalooza wine.

But, um, thank you to whoever gave us that. Kristen Siopa.

Thank you, Kristen.

So thank you, Jen, for this glass. I loved it. And I'm kind of sad that it's the last day of my birthday month. So cheers to June. Um, time for July and lots of summer fun. How is everyone doing? How is your summer going? I would love to hear what you have planned for the summer. Um, I got a wonderful topic request today, so please never hesitate to send me your topics. I love it, and I want to give you whatever is going on. So, um, let's jump into our topic this topic came to me, the title came to me, and I knew I needed to run with it. And the title is "There's No Magic Pill." And I find that in— if I go back to my work with families and even my conversations today, I feel like Parents are looking for this magic answer. So this is what's going on, you know, this is the issue that I'm having with my child, or this is the issue that I'm having with my spouse, or this is the issue that I'm having, and give me the magic answer.

Silver bullet, right?

What is the magic answer? And I am going to give you a lot of magic hopefully tonight, but there is no magic pill, there's no magic answer, and there's a lot of work. I think that The greatest lesson that I have learned is that if you put in the work, you get results. Don't you agree? If you put in the work, you get results. And I'm going to start with talking about weight, and we're going to move into parenting. So people will think that they can take this magic pill and that they'll end up looking fabulous.

There's lots and lots of diet pills sold on the premise that they're going to do that and you don't have to change your diet or your exercise. And if they were true, we'd—

they—

everyone would be taking them and it would work.

Well, it's a good business, so maybe they contribute to your success. So I don't want to put down anyone's supplement or diet pill, but, um, the Secret Bullet The secret answer is healthy diet and exercise combined. And I find that the older I get, the more it's diet and the less that it's exercise. But exercise for me makes me feel so good. So, um, oh, Ella, I forgot to show you that I'm wearing the necklace that you picked for me. This, this was my birthday necklace. It has my birthstone on it and I love it. And thank you, Ella and Daddy and everyone.

Ella picked it out and, and then showed me where to go order it. So that she could buy it for Mama.

Well, thank you. And I didn't mean to get off topic, but it was staring at me. So there's no magic answer to give you the health and fitness goals that you have or the body that you dream of. Put in the work. And I will tell you that I remember eating 6 meals a day, watching the clock, making sure that every 2 to 3 hours I was eating to keep my metabolism going because I tend to go too many hours without eating and then your metabolism, my metabolism slows down. So I was eating every 2 to 3 hours. I was eating healthy. I was exercising a ton and I put in the work every day and I think about the fact that we all have to choose our hard and we can choose to be— I'm gonna get to topics with you. I'm gonna finish this and move on to you. But, um, we can choose to be unhealthy, and it will be harder to walk, harder to keep up with your kids, you know, um, medicines for whatever—

health issues.

Yeah, health issues are very difficult, and we don't want those. So it's like, do we want the hard this, or do we want the hard that? And I think that we're choosing our heart every day, and I'm going to explain more of that as we go. So let's jump into parenting first— second. So there is— there's— again, I'm not going to give you magic pills or magic answers, but I am going to tell you that your hard work pays off. Okay. And I'm boring my family, so I'm moving.

You're not boring us. I'm just sitting back and Lily copied me.

So one of the magic words is authoritative parenting. Have you heard this word before?

I have not.

You, come on. You don't, not you. You aren't allowed to say that you've never heard it. Okay, you have heard this word, honey.

But I was being the audience.

Sorry. Okay, I will teach it to you again.

Yes, please.

If you're being authentic, it's okay if you have forgotten. So there's permissive where you have very, very little structure and boundaries, and the kids do whatever they want, and the kids walk all over you and run the show, right? I can be guilty. Um, we have authoritarian, where there's way too much structure, way too much discipline, way too much discipline, and probably not enough love. And then you have right in the middle of authoritative, which is the goal for all of us, where we have rules, we have structure, we have boundaries, we have routines, and we have a lot of connection, love, and attention.

And you love to be— throw in some impulsiveness and spontaneity there to make it more fun.

So as I talk about parenting, okay, I have told you this before, and I will tell you this again, even if I know the right answer, and I will tell you, I usually know the right answer, whether it's for you or for me. Doesn't mean that I'm gonna do it. And I will have conversations in my head like, you know what you have to do, so get up and go do it. And I know it's hard. I know you're exhausted. I am walking this walk with you, so I know how tired you are. I will tell you that Every time we give in to our kids, we're going backwards. So, I'm gonna give you a different way to handle it. Example, last night Seth gets home around 7, he worked all day, he took Max to soccer, he walked in the door after the girls were fighting about slime and I was like, "Oh my God, save me!" I never did find out what the slime fight was about. Oh, Lily made slime. Ella wanted to play with it. Lily— Ella was mad that Lily put one of her beads in the slime because she's not allowed to take little Ella's beads. And then Lily got mad at Ella and said, well, then, then you can't use my slime. Oh boy. So Seth walks in and I had just—

beads that are 100 for 10 cents.

I'm like, I mean, I'm like, I'll buy you more beans, right? So Seth walks in and I'm like toast. It was like all day parenting and I'm like, oh my God, I didn't even write my blog. I'm like, I need to take this week off, I'm fried. And then I remembered something. If I sit down and type, it is a coping strategy and it will make me feel better. Get it out. So Seth saw me in—

for those of you listening to this, Melissa says, y'all are so brave with parenting with slime users. Yikes. Thank you, Melissa.

Melissa, Ella and Lily love slime, and the slime factory in our house. This one next to me, Lily, is always like, can we make slime? Can we make slime? And I have actually—

Lily, I'm yesterday— make more slime.

Lily, you don't know how nice I am. Um, some parents ban slime from their house, or they don't let their parents— they don't let their kids make slime. They don't let any slime in the house.

Like, I didn't know we could do that.

You didn't tell me, right? She has no idea how nice I am.

She, she didn't even know what this slime stuff was up until, I don't know, however many months ago. All of a sudden they started— we started having to buy borax and glue and whatever else, and I'm like, what the heck is all— we don't have slime. I don't know what the heck is going on.

Melissa says no slime, keep it out of my house.

Some parents, some parents. I love it. We're gonna get a t-shirt that says some parents. I'm one of those.

My friend Kara's daughters came to my house and they know that I let them make slime. So one of the first things they always ask me is, can we make slime? And I'm like, your mother is gonna kill me because they don't have—

they don't do slime.

There's some parents, there's no slime in their house. And I'm like, we're the slime house, honey. That's great. Get it on your clothes.

And she'll know. Yes, she's watching, so she'll know.

Then they want to put it in a sandwich bag and take it home, and she shows up to pick them up, and I'm like, I'm so sorry, don't hate me. We make owl bath bombs instead.

Um, that's an owl bath bomb.

You need to tell us what that is.

What is an owl bath bomb?

Owls! Oh my God, she loves owls. She's all about this. Tell us what this is, um, honey. Oh, typing. I was typing. And Seth, I'm going to ask you this question. Did you know that if a child walked in the room at, uh, 7 to 9 last night, did you know that you were on call?

No, I had no idea.

Did you know that if they walked in, it was your turn to parent?

No clue.

You didn't know that?

Nobody told me.

Okay, so I was the bus that I've been thrown under. No, not at all. I was in my zone typing and I didn't even know you were writing.

Like, you could have told me, I need some quiet time, keep them away from me, I'm off duty. You did not tell me this.

Okay, so you didn't see me typing? You didn't know what I was doing?

I had no clue. Okay, it's an all-natural bath bomb.

Awesome. Awesome. I'm excited. So it's an all-natural bath bomb, and she's going to talk to me and send it to me. So I'm excited for this.

Maybe we should post that on the blog.

I'm all about all natural recipe. So I was in my zone, and I was like, in my head, I was done. So what I was gonna say was, instead of giving in and going backwards— because every time you give in, you go backwards, and your kids learn if they push enough, they're gonna get their way. Instead of doing that, say to your spouse, which I needed to say, but I see, I thought he knew.

So you think I'm psychic? You did not tell me this.

So I, I was done. And I thought Seth knew that it was his turn. But I didn't communicate it. So communicate it and say, I need a break.

Yeah, I would have done.

I'm fried. I'm, I'm gonna go do whatever I'm gonna do. You're in charge.

Yeah.

So, so use your supports. Yes, pass it on. Instead of fail to tell me, instead of not parenting, give it to someone else to parent.

Rentaparent.com, we'll come over and parent.

Okay, so in choosing your heart, I want to give you an example, and I don't want to throw my beautiful daughter under the bus. Um, I just want to talk. I want to just, you know, just go with me. We're not going to argue about this. We got to a really good place with this, so humor me in talking about this. I'm going to use homework for an example, okay? And just let me talk.

Okay, enough disclaimers.

Okay, well, I don't want Lily to freak out.

You can talk.

So Lily and her math homework were not my friend at the beginning, and I may have found out that she wasn't doing it every night. I may have found out she wasn't doing all of it every night. Just wait till the end and then it's your turn. And I found this out and realized that every child is different. Okay, so you might have a child who just goes and does their homework without even being asked, and we did get to that place, so we will talk about it. You may have a child who's not doing their homework and you have to hold their hand, check on them, make sure they do it every day, be consistent every day, and this child may take off and start doing it on their own every day. You may have a different child who still consistently needs you to check every single day. So, we have to figure out what are our child's strengths and weaknesses. And, Lily, you have a million strengths, and we could go on and on. Look at Coach Danielle says hi. Hi. So, math is probably not Lily's favorite subject right now. She may have said to me, "No, I'm not gonna do my math homework," and she may have learned that nothing else is a yes until the math homework is done. So no going down the street to your friend's house, no slime, no slime, no playing on your iPad. There may have been a lot of nos until she learned that if she gets her homework done, math in particular, that she can go to her friend's house, she can play outside, and she learned. And I put in the work, and it wasn't easy. There was some nos, there was some throwing of homework. And what I said to Lily was— it wasn't Coach Danielle's favorite either, but it's okay, you got this. Happy summer, Coach Danielle! So, it may have been hard, but I said to Lily, "There's not a choice in this. You have to do your homework every day, and I know this is going to be hard, but your whole family is going to help you." And what that means is I sometimes couldn't help her, if I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't YouTube how to teach her. I called in for reinforcements. So I got Daddy, I got Max, I got Ella. Max loves math. Loves math. Uh, Daddy does math at work every day. I am much more rusty. So, and Grammy helped you too. So I said to Lily, it's not negotiable, you have to do your homework. I was very consistent. It was very hard at first, but if we put in the work, things tend to get easier. So it got easier. And then you did your homework every day. And you would say, don't even ask, I'm doing my homework. I'm getting it done. I want to go play. Awesome. Right? So you learned.

So we're very proud of you.

So what does hard look like? Clear, consistent follow-through. Using my supports.

Can I share a quote about this?

Yes.

One of my favorite quotes on this topic is, you do, you either do the hard work to go after your goal or your dream, or you deal with the hard regret of not getting what you want.

Well, and I could have dealt with the hard of Lily not doing her homework and her teacher being upset with us. I could have dealt with that every day.

And that's not who you are as a mother, though.

That wouldn't have felt right to me. I feel like she needs to do her homework every day.

Yes.

I don't love homework.

I don't either.

And my kids don't love homework, but you got to get it done. And I have told my kids that— and you were the same way, Seth, I think— that when I walked in the door, I wasn't that kid who wanted a break. I wanted to get it done so that it was out of my head and I could move on to doing whatever I wanted.

You got home, you had to do the homework before you could go play, before you could do— no electronics, but before you could go play outside, before you could do anything.

So I said to Lily's second grade teacher, I said, well, she tells me she needs a break. Like she needs a mental break. And he goes, man, does she know how to play you. I am a bit of a softie, so when I'm talking to you about parenting, I am also reminding myself of all of this stuff. So I am telling you, I know it's hard and I know you're exhausted, but put in the work and get the results you want instead of suffering with whatever behavior your child is doing that's driving you crazy, right? Right. So I wanted to be a safe, steady place for my kids, and I can be reactive. And I am not gonna tell you that I'm perfect. I'm not going to tell you that I have mastered this, but I have really been reading and studying and putting in the work of keeping myself calm so that I can help my kids through their own storm. So that is hard work that I am putting in, and the more we work something, the more automatic it becomes and the easier that it becomes. So I was just talking to a friend of mine about the fact that we know that the brain is just like a muscle on our body and that we work out, and we might work out our abs, and we might work out our arms, and we might get stronger, And it's the same with our brain. And if we work at our brain every single day, then we rewire it and it becomes more automatic to think or do certain things. So my brain starts to learn, this is where we pause. And my— I have said pause so many times that my brain is now telling me pause before I even have to think it. So we work it. Every day we work and we get results. If we want to run 5 miles, we work every day and build up to 5 miles. So this applies to everything. I want to just touch on marriage before I close us up, close us up, wrap us up. There's not a magic answer to your wonderful marriage either, but I will tell you that if we ignore our marriage there won't be a marriage. If we put in work to our marriage every single day— great job with those small steps, lady. Thank you, Melissa. I know, I know that you do small steps every day to get success too, and you would be so proud of all the recycling that I'm doing over here, Melissa. Melissa is an organizational master.

Yes, success is key.

Okay, I love that, Lily. Success is key. So how do you get success? How do you have a successful marriage? You put in the work every day. And it looks like, first of all, you know, you know from if you've listened to me before, you know that we have to ask our spouse what they need from us. And, you know, I might assume that Seth wants me to do the dishes and the laundry and make him food, but that doesn't make him feel loved. Does it make you feel loved at all?

Dishes and laundry, no. Food, little bit.

So all the dishes and laundry I do does not make—

well, it's not my love language. It's yours. Access and service is yours. When I do those for you, it makes you feel loved. When you do them for me, it doesn't make me all warm and fuzzy.

Okay.

I would be upset if it wasn't there, So, I mean, I would do it, but if you would let me do laundry.

So ask your partner what little things you can do all day for them. So it might look like a text message, it might look like a note, um, calling and checking up on them throughout the day, having a date, holding hands, watching a movie. Um, what else, Seth?

Those are all good. We could do all those.

So all the little things every day, all the effort we do every day, whether it's parenting or marriage, is what brings you the success and all the effort that we're putting into things. So there's no magic answer, there's work. And I promise you that if you put work into whatever issue you're having, you will get the results that you're looking for. And if you're not getting the results you're looking for, look at the work that you're doing and try to tweak it to get better results. So, if you have been running 2 miles every day and you're not seeing results, you probably have to step it up. So, that's just an example. If you have been rewarding your child every day with Shopkins and they're tired of Shopkins and they've moved on to fidget toys, then they need different prizes. If your words of affirmation are not working for your children, maybe they need you to say something different. So, you might have to tweak what you're doing, but work is going to get you the results that you're looking for. So, I'm going to leave you with— I don't have a magic pill, but I have magic words for you. Okay, so here are my magic words. My two favorite are consistency and persistence. Rules, routines, schedules, love, connection, effort, time, attention, follow-through, supports. Anything that I missed from that list that you want to add?

No, those are great.

So those are my magic words, but I don't have a pill for you. And I know that sometimes something will resonate with you, but it's not going to be magical unless you take it and do something with it.

It.

So it is June 30th, which means that tomorrow is July 1st, which means that my Winey Palooza mom group on Facebook is going to launch a July challenge. And I just did— we have to drop off Starbucks for Amber for my birthday challenge. So Amber won the birthday challenge, so we have to go drop off a Starbucks gift card for her. So I think for the July challenge, unless someone has a specific request that I am happy to grant either this month or a future month, I think surprise jewelry is going to be the July challenge. Um, if it's— if a man wins, he may not want that, so he may want to pick something else. So that's going to kick off tomorrow. Friday, I have Patty Deder on my podcast and the title is, um, Advocating for Children with Learning Disabilities. Does that sound right? Advocating for Learning Disabilities, that might be the title. Uh, great conversation. I think you're going to learn stuff from her.

I loved talking to her and there were some takeaways for any child, for any parent parenting any child. You don't have to have disabilities to learn about it.

Yes, it definitely can apply to any child, and thank you for watching the vlog, reading the blog, listening to the podcast. We appreciate all of you, and Lily, can you close us out?

Thank you for watching Winey Blues and Wednesday with the Green Family. Cha-cha-chicken!

Have a good week.

Happy Independence Day.

Oh yeah.