Whinypaluza Wednesday - We are a Team

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

Um, it's the Winey Palooza Wednesday. Grab some wine and join us on Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family.

Cha-cha chicken!

Woo! Okay, give it to Daddy and stay close, okay? Thank you, honey. Hello everybody, how is it going? Are you as tired as we are? I should say me. Are you tired or is it just me?

I didn't even sleep last night and I'm less tired.

Oh honey, well let's see, let's see how you feel if I go to work all day and you stay home with the kids all day.

All right, well I can trade you in March or April.

Okay, where am I gonna go?

It doesn't really matter. Anywhere but here, right?

Oh my goodness, so the kids are on break this week, and I really don't have anything exciting planned for them. I should probably get on it before the break is over, correct?

I don't know why you feel the need that they have to do something exciting when they're not complaining that they're not doing anything exciting.

True. So Max and Ella seem content to just have some downtime, and Lily is a whole different story. Yes, right? Yeah, we won't get into that. We'll get to our topic.

Yes, that, that would take up the whole time.

Well, yeah, she is part of the topic though. So the topic that presented itself to me this week is we are a team, and I'm talking about Seth and I. My whole family is supposed to be a team.

Supposed to be.

Which is a topic for another blog, but we're gonna start with Seth and I being a team.

And you being a team.

You mean them and their husbands?

Yes, the people watching, or their wives.

Or their wives, the parents being a team.

Yes.

Being a united front, being a team.

Yes.

So, we are happily married. Yes, we are in love. Yes, we like each other. Yes, we also fight. Yes, and no marriage is perfect. I think that that is like this fantasy that we think other marriages might be perfect. We are definitely not perfect, and we definitely push each other's buttons. We can annoy each other, and we can fight. And, and we had a couple fights.

Yep.

So we wanted to share, share and tell you things that we learned, learn from our mistakes. And I think what I love is, I think, one of the reasons that marriages can head in the successful direction, in a successful direction, is that when we're in the heat of the moment of a fight, I don't recommend processing. I don't recommend trying to work it out. I don't recommend talking. I think when we're in the heat of the moment, we need to kind of just understand that we're both in that yuck place that Rachel Bailey would tell us. She calls it yuck, and we can't be very resourceful when we're in our yuck. But Seth and I have learned, I don't know that we do this every single time, but we do it the majority of the time. We have learned that when we have calmed down, that it is really good to evaluate together what happened, what went wrong, what do we want to do different next time. So we're gonna tell you what happened, we're gonna tell you what we learned, and hopefully this can be helpful.

Avoid our mistakes.

Avoid our mistakes. Do better than us.

Yes.

So, um, I need you to go in the kitchen. This isn't for you. Okay, take something and head to the kitchen. So I was feeling exhausted, Seth was feeling exhausted from parenting. Never a good thing when we're both feeling tired. That's never a good sign.

You don't want to start off there.

So Lily, we have, we have to go take Lily's iPad in to have it fixed because it doesn't seem to hold a charge very well. And she's constantly complaining that she has no charge, which Seth has talked to her about paying attention, making sure you charge your iPad so you're not freaking out.

Plug in when you get to 50% or something.

So she got down to like 3%, 3%, and she had been talking to her friends on the phone all day, hours and hours, and they were gonna go into the— she was gonna go into the playroom and do gymnastics with them via FaceTime, but her iPad wasn't at a good place for her to do this, so she started freaking out.

Yes.

So what we did—

so I'd be happy to share what I did wrong first.

You, you're welcome to share, go ahead.

Um, I said, why don't you plug it in and sit there in the kitchen while it charges. And she said, no, it's going to die anyway. It did— that won't work. I can't keep it on. Um, and then she started to get more upset, and I said, well, you know, you've been talking to him all day, every day, all day, and you haven't— didn't think to charge it. Oh well, you'll just miss out. Bedtime's in half hour, hour anyway. You'll see him tomorrow.

So, so just deal.

Just deal. That did not go over very well.

So We, we have talked about some of our buttons with each other, and I didn't realize in the moment that I was pushing one of Seth's hot buttons.

Yep.

And I wanted him— I didn't say this.

Nope.

I wanted him to find a device for Lily to use for her to go do gymnastics with her friends. I wanted him to help in the way that I wanted him to help, which I was unaware of.

And then Lily said, well, can I put Messenger Kids on your iPad and use your iPad? And I stupidly said no because last time she had Messenger Kids on my iPad, it got— I had it at work and it dinged all day long, so I deleted it. What I should have done in retrospect is put it back on my iPad, just disabled notifications and let her use it, and that would have ended it. But I was not in a resourceful enough place to think of that, so I just said no.

So I think that what we have learned is Lily goes to this place of frustration and meltdown and we go down the road with her.

Yes.

Instead of realizing that she is in an unresourceful place and unable to communicate what she actually needs or wants.

Yes.

So Seth went down the meltdown road with her. I told him he wasn't being helpful, which pushed his buttons because he prides himself in being helpful.

I said no to Lily. I said no to my daughter twice, which is one of Rebecca's buttons. She doesn't like to hear me say the word no. When it comes to parenting. So yes, then she told me I wasn't being helpful and that got me very mad.

So Seth got super mad and Seth, you know, Seth getting super mad doesn't happen very often. So I was like, oh, he's really pissed. So I went in the playroom with Lily, gave her my phone, got away from Seth, and she used my phone to talk to her friends. But I think that as we evaluated the whole situation, Seth has shared with me something that I think I was aware of but never put a label on it, that he always backs me up. He said even when he doesn't agree with me with what I'm saying, he still backs me up because he wants us to be a united front for the kids. And I think that how Seth feels is alone a lot in the discipline.

Wow.

Because I undermine you and give them what they want.

Wow. Yeah, I did not know that you were aware of that.

Well, because you tend to tends to be on the side of discipline, natural consequences, deal with it. And I tend to be on the accommodating side of what do you need to be happy? And neither of which— we can't always discipline our kids. And that's one of the things I wanted to share. And Seth hears me when I say this. We can't jump to discipline every time they do something wrong. It affects the bond. It affects the power of the discipline. And you know, if we actually give ourselves time to calm down, a lot of the times we wouldn't even given them any sort of consequence in the moment. We were just pissed. So I think that Seth has it right, that he's better with the discipline. And I think I have it right that I focus on the relationship and bonding and wanting them to please me just because they love me and want to do it for me. And I think that Seth and I tend to be on opposite sides with things like this and tend to balance each other out, but that we can come more close together in the middle. And one of the things I told him is when we disagree with each other, we can't do it in front of the kids. I need to say, I'm putting this on me.

I was gonna—

yes. I'm putting this on me. You're good at backing me up and I appreciate that. And I think what I need to do is I think that you need to calm down and not jump to a discipline right away, a consequence right away. And I think that I need to say more things like, can we go talk in private, please? I think that one of the things that Seth and I need to get rid of completely is we cannot fight in front of the kids when it's about the kids because we're undermining each other. And I don't like if he makes me look unauthoritative in front of the kids, and he doesn't like when I do that to him. And I think that kids are really, really smart, and they play parents against each other. And here, especially here, it was about Lily melting down, and Seth and I started fighting.

Yes.

And in retrospect, we totally got played against each other, and we're—

and, and she got what she wanted, and she—

yes. So I think that as a child, I think as a child, I knew that my mom was going to say no and my dad was going to say yes. So I knew to go to my dad. And I think they have learned that, that dad is going to say no and mom is going to say yes. So if dad says no, they run to me. Dad is so mean.

Which is an instant, well, I have to save the day and undermine him.

So I don't want, I want us to be a team. I want us to be a united front. And I think what I learned through this whole sequence of events is that Seth tends to feel alone in putting his foot down. And I—

and, and it doesn't even get down. You don't even let me start to stomp. Like, it'd be nice if it actually hit the floor.

You stomped.

Didn't do me any good. You didn't listen. She didn't listen. You didn't listen. It was powerless.

Okay, so, so Mr. Powerful, We will talk in private with each other about the children when we don't agree and come to a resolution without the children around so that we can be a united front to our kids.

Yes.

And I think that when the kids come to me and ask me something, I need to be more aware of have they already asked, right?

Because sometimes they don't tell you that I said no and you say yes, and then I'm like, they come back to me and and do the thing, and I'm like, what the heck just happened? I already said no. Well, Mommy said yes.

Well, and we need to be aware of each other's buttons. I think we need to throw buttons in the garbage. I kind of said that the other day, that I'm tired of us with this is a button and this is a button.

You're saying it much nicer now. Okay, that's all right.

Well, I was done with your buttons the other day, but I don't like—

right, you got your own, woman. I can't be done with yours. There's a double button standard right there.

I just said we should both throw our buttons away, but we also—

that really means in secret Dakota is you don't get to have any buttons, but you're gonna keep your own.

You're so wrong.

I am excited to be wrong. So can't wait.

So the button that I learned, really a really hard lesson for me. I knew he didn't like when I said that he wasn't helpful. I don't think I realized the degree. So I will not say that Seth isn't helpful.

You heard it here first.

So Seth is super helpful.

There you go.

And he said he feels super unappreciated if I say he's not helpful.

Yes.

So I will be more specific, I think, with what I want.

Right. You are not helping me the way I want. Here is what I want. Because if you tell me, I might even do it.

So I'm going to avoid your buttons.

Yes.

I'm going to talk to you in private.

Yes.

How am I doing?

You're doing awesome. What else is on the list?

Oh my gosh.

I think— What are some of your buttons? Folks, let us know.

Comment. I think that— I think that one of the greatest marital lessons that I have learned, and I don't always succeed, I failed miserably in this situation, is what I'm about to say, yeah, going to help my marriage? Am I about to say something that's gonna make my marriage better or worse?

Oh, I did this really well like an hour ago.

So, so hold on, can you hold that? So as we're fighting, I say to Seth, um, if you were— no, that was the second fight. If you were impatient with me on our first date, I would have run the other way. And he said, if you would have taken forever to order, I would have run the other way. And then I said to him, and then I said to him, like, I'm laughing, like, first of all, like, we gave it to each other. Like, why do we even need to do any of that? It did not help our marriage. It made the situation worse. And I think that if we think before we speak, it will save us in every single situation. Um, I was going to talk about the book and our, and our little tiff. You were going to say something about my crankiness earlier.

It wasn't about your crankiness. It was you— I deliberately— what I learned a lesson and I deliberately wasn't defensive when you said something earlier. I didn't defend myself. I didn't fight back. I just said okay and walked away.

Yeah, and you also asked me—

even though you were wrong, I didn't tell you you were wrong.

I don't think— I don't necessarily think I'm wrong. I think it's a difference of opinion.

You don't even know what I'm talking about.

Okay, um, you also said to me something along the lines of, do you want to discuss this or do you just want to vent right now?

Yes.

Which was really good. Yes, because I was just venting and did not want a discussion, right?

So I've learned painfully that there are times that she, she says something and I think I'm supposed to respond. I think it's a conversation, right? And it is not at all. It is the, oh no, I'm going to tell— vent about everything you did wrong, but you can't respond. You're not allowed to defend yourself or respond or tell me anything in any way. I'm going to dump on you and walk away. So I've learned to ask, "Hey, listen." I can't say it like that because that would make it worse, but I can say, "Do you want to have a—

is this a conversation or is this one-way communication?" Well, because we have talked about the fact that things that you are working on are like not being defensive.

Yes.

Things that I'm working on are letting you know when I'm unable to communicate and will be back soon to talk to you.

Yes, you have a free pass. You can check out, just tell me you're going.

I don't think— I don't want to check out. I want to be strong enough to have the conversation, but I think it's also a strength to know that I'm not going to say anything good.

Yes, it is. You're stronger by walking away than by making it worse.

So I need to just say to you, I'm not in the place to discuss this productively and resourcefully, but I'll be back to do that.

Yes.

Yes. I wanted to talk to them about the book thing. Do we want to talk about that real fast?

Oh boy, go for it.

So I have two books coming that I'm—

this year—

that I'm excited about. And one of them is a children's book that Ellen and I wrote together. And I really love this book, and I have to remember that when Seth and I have any sort of conflict about it because if we have any sort of conflict about it, I go to the place of forget it, I don't even wanna do it, which is not a good place to go to.

No, which also pushes my buttons that you don't want to exist anymore.

So Seth is so wonderful. I have ideas and he like streamlines the process.

And bring it to life.

And brings the process to life. So I give him the content and he makes it happen.

Yes.

He's the, he's the maker.

Implementer.

Implementer. Magician.

There you go.

And he's having someone illustrate the book. So he showed me a couple pictures of Ella.

Drawings.

And I didn't like either of them. Um, for various reasons. You know, Ella kind of described what she looked like in this book. So I want—

When she was in heaven.

When this book is about Ella remembering heaven. And she described to me what she looked like. So I was looking for what she looked like. And I'm not going to get it spot on. I mean, it's just got to be good enough. I have to remember that things just need to be good enough. And on the second try, when I said no, Seth was like, I am not going back and forth and da da da da da.

We have a pre-existing condition that we're working on about Rebecca making lots of changes to make something exactly how she wants.

I don't think that that's an accurate description.

Okay.

At all. I think that you have unrealistic expectations.

Entirely possible.

So I had said to him, forget it, if you're not going to be nice, I don't want to do it. And, you know, it was just another sort of little tiff. It was a little tiff. It wasn't a big tiff, but I was already annoyed with him from the day before. Yeah, so I think that, you know, when I was, when I was evaluating it, I think we have to evaluate like what's happening, what's going wrong, what do I want to do differently. The things that I have asked Seth to work on are his— I feel like he can be impatient.

Yes.

And I feel like I can be unclear.

I Sure.

Is that the word?

That's the PG-rated word. Sure.

What? What? I'm afraid of the word that you think I am.

It's all right.

Oh no.

It's a family show.

I guess we're doing okay then.

Yes, thank you, Patty.

Um, so Keep going. I'm scared to know the word that you want to use to describe me.

Now you built it up. Now it's worse than you think it is.

Oh boy.

I mean, no, now it's not as bad as you think it is.

So I have asked Seth, in the process of the next 2 books coming out, if he could please be patient with me. I will lower my—

Perfectionism.

I really, I have gotten to a You don't give me any credit. I have gotten to a "it's good enough" place and I don't expect it to be perfect.

Okay, I am impressed, but haven't— I, I don't— maybe my perception has not been that that shift has happened yet, but I'm excited that it might be.

And I think that the clearer I am with what I want, the more I can get what I want.

Absolutely. Part of that is that you not necessarily knowing and making lots of changes to try and figure it out. Perhaps.

But I'm learning.

Yes.

This is— book 1 was really hard.

Yes.

Because I had no idea what I was doing. And Seth and I didn't prep, and we didn't plan, and we didn't— the first book was so stressful. So I think we're prepared to do a better job this time.

Yes. Yes. Very much so.

Right? So I will be clearer with what I'm looking for.

Yes.

And calm.

That would be amazing.

Calm and clear and what was the other word?

Non-reactive.

Calm and clear, specific. And honey, what are you going to do?

I'm going to be patient with inflexible and not get attached to anything until you have a physical copy in your hands and say you're not changing anything else.

Well, and this goes back to the fact that I will read something that Seth has published. He doesn't have me edit his stuff, which, which blows my mind. Okay, he doesn't have—

I produce way too much content.

Okay, I mean, so let me finish.

Okay, sorry, I was sorry, I didn't mean to defend myself.

So Seth does not have me edit his stuff. He puts stuff out into the universe, it has typos, and I have gotten— at first I was like, what are you doing?

Yeah, my mother still says that.

Okay, but Seth is successful and doing great, and I guess his typos don't really matter as much as I think that they matter.

My target market is not English teachers.

So it is so interesting to me, the differences in us and just learning about each other. And I think what's so great is at least we have the desire to do better. Yes, right? Yes, we have the motivation and desire to do better. We're still going to screw up, Yes. I'm not going to tell you that we're never going to fight again.

I wouldn't believe you.

Right? But I think that we had a couple little fights.

2 in a row.

Yes. We had 2 in a row, which is not— it's, you know, like part of me is like when we have a fight, the next day, do I hold on to it where I'm already ready to fight?

Yes.

Right? So I think that—

Yeah, I was screwed the next day no matter what I said.

Right, because I was so upset from the original fight.

Yeah, you did not start over.

I was then cranky the next day.

Yep.

So if I can let it go and reset— I love, I love that word. I have to reset so many times. It was not an easy—

well, see, part— yeah, I was gonna say part of this isn't me, right? Like, I'm gone for 8 hours and I walk into— you've already had 7 rounds with somebody over there. And you're already in an exhausted, unresourceful state, and I didn't even do anything wrong. And I walked in the door today and I was like, ah crap, I'm like, is it tomorrow yet?

That's not true. I reset. I think I tried to reset. Maybe I tried a couple times.

I appreciate your persistence.

I—

not how many times you try fall down, it's how many times you get back up, right?

Okay, so I think I think that we have learned a lot. I think the bottom line is that we will talk more in private when we have disagreements about the kids to come to a resolution, to be a united front and to be a team and for them to know that we're a team because I think that they do try to play us against each other.

They don't all do that. There's one person who does it more than the other.

One and a half.

Fair enough.

One of them has no idea what that even means.

Right.

One of them comes to me if Dad says no.

Yeah.

And one of them—

Does it on purpose?

Oh, poor kid. We love our kids. So we will talk in private. We will work on being a united front.

Yes.

We will work on being a team.

Yes.

And we will constantly— we won't promise never to fight, but we will promise to fight better.

Yes.

With better marital thoughtfulness.

Thought choices, word choices.

And we will evaluate our fights and try to keep doing better each time.

And we'll keep sharing them with you.

Hopefully there won't be a lot to share.

If everybody got along, there'd be no housewife shows.

Well, and I read something that couples who don't fight aren't being honest with each other.

They're stuffing their feelings.

And I think that that is an issue too. I think that we need to disagree, but it doesn't have to be heated.

Correct.

And it can be done thoughtfully.

Very true.

Right?

I am looking forward to more of that.

So I am trying to think who is this Friday. Do we have Jessica Ashley, the Stay Calm Mom, for the podcast? I think it might be Jessica. Um, I love that her podcast is called the Stay Calm Mom. I had her on my podcast. You you can hear about her on Friday. And, um, Best Title Ever, and we talked about staying calm and we talked about lessons that we're learning in motherhood. And I welcome, you know I welcome your topics. Please feel free to suggest any topics. Please, um, listen to the podcast and feel free to tell me if you want to be a guest or have someone who you think would be a good guest. And I decided to start a Whiny Palooza Mom Group on Facebook. Um, it's not a mom group, it's a parent group, but it's called Whiny Palooza Mom Group, and you are more than welcome to join. It is for you, it is a community for you, for you to use however you see fit, for you to ask questions to people, for you to make comments, and I will give tips that I have learned and continue to learn. So thank you everyone for watching. I hope you're having a great week. Would love to hear what you're doing with your kids. Give me some ideas. I need to get outside with my kids.

Outside of the house, not necessarily physically outside.

Ella, Lily, I need one of you to come and close us out. They're coming to close us out. Tell me what you're doing with your kids. Tell me what you have planned.

Thank you for watching Winey Flusa Wednesday with the Green Family. Ciao ciao chickens!

Thanks, honey.

Thanks so much for watching.

See you next week.

Bye.