Your Questions Answered

Hello everyone! Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday! I have both of my girls to bring us on in. Go ahead.

No need to whine, it's Winey Palooza Wednesday! Have some wine and join us on Winey Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family! Cha-cha chicken!

Thank you, girls, plural.

Oh wait, let me through.

Okay, stay close so you can close us out.

Okay.

Hello.

That was super cute.

I don't know.

I mean, I know I made them, but that was super cute.

I don't know how you pulled off getting them both to do that together. You're father of the year.

You heard it here first, folks. Father of the year. I'm ready. What was my prize? You.

I'm not quite sure. How I'm still awake.

Yeah, she was falling asleep on the couch. I had to wake her up and give her some coffee for this.

Well, you didn't actually give me some coffee, but you did wake me. You did say, are you sleeping? Okay, so is it just me or does it feel like midnight? I'm trying to cover whatever lights are in there.

It's all good.

So here we are.

Hi Liz!

And, um, fall back time is making me very tired for Winey Palooza Wednesday. And—

Well, it's really 8 o'clock, so shouldn't you be earlier?

Fall back means it's really 10 o'clock.

He's crazy. And why do they call it back? Shouldn't it be forward?

We went from 10 o'clock to 9 o'clock. So it's— Yeah, see, Liz is tired too. Okay, I'm awake. I'm awake.

Let's focus.

So I need to do this so I can put my kids to bed. So we got a list. We're doing something different. Every so often people send me questions. So I was like, why don't I just do a whole segment on— you send me questions and I'll answer your questions.

Yes.

I'm going to apologize ahead of time. I did not get to answer all of your questions because I see that they're still rolling in. I will do this another time.

So we'll do as many as we can today in the time allotted, and then we'll continue another time. So you're— we will get to your questions.

Okay, so do we want to start?

Let's start.

Okay.

Rebecca, how has COVID restrictions affected marriages?

Okay, so Seth, you're gonna help me with the answers.

Yes.

I will tell you that Seth and I got spoiled.

Yes.

Because our kids were in school 5 days a week and Seth runs his own businesses so he could allot time for us to go on dates when the kids—

I snuck out and took my wife out.

And and he allotted time to take me out. So we would go on dates all the time.

The kids weren't—

breakfast, lunch, coffee, walks. It was lovely.

Yes.

And then, and then COVID came and shut down school, and then our kids were home all the time. And not only were our kids home all the time, but everything was closed.

Even worse.

So we had kids home all the time, everything was closed, and we didn't date. So I would say the positive for me, and I'm going to tell you why this isn't positive for some other people, is that I had Seth home more, which I enjoyed, and I had more help with the kids. I had him around more. And I'll tell you the major bonus to me. Seth, don't say anything.

Okay, I don't know what I'm talking about.

He has not traveled. Oh, no traveling. So I have been—

me, no traveling for work is what she means.

So I have been so happy to have Seth in Buffalo since March, before March, whenever the last trip was.

February, that you would, that you made me not go to, but then they canceled anyway.

Yes, yes, I was getting nervous.

Yes.

So I will tell you that I think that a lot of people have not had as much time together for their marriage, and I would also answer that and say some people have had their spouses home too much. A lot of spouses are working at home who originally weren't, and Thankfully I haven't driven you crazy. You haven't driven me crazy, but I have heard from other women that their husbands are home too much and that they need some space.

Get them out of there!

So, sash.

Sorry.

So I do think that marriages need, you need a lot to find alone time, you need to find space, and you need to communicate your needs because I just want to remind everybody that they don't know what we want unless we tell them.

That is helpful. We are not mind readers. How do you stay so positive?

It's funny, that's a question I get a lot, and I'm gonna tell you that this stems from my mother telling me that I was born smiling and that I smiled all the time as a kid and made everybody happy. And it just kind of snowballed into— I found that if I smiled, not only did I make other people happy, but it made myself happy. I also have been massively trained on reframes, and I have been practicing it for so many years that if I think something negative, my brain automatically kicks in and wants me to reframe it to something positive. So I find that if I stay in a place of thankfulness and gratefulness and I think about everything that I'm thankful for, and I smile, it's very hard to be negative.

Awesome. You've got 3 kids, 3 pets, a husband, a vlog, blog, podcast, school, in-school, school-at-home, kid activities. How are you juggling it all?

This is a question that I love to ask the mothers that I'm interviewing because I think we can all learn from each other. I have found that for me, Every day I make a list and prioritize and I say, what has to get done today?

Today they gotta get dressed.

They have to go on their Zooms. They have to get their schoolwork done. I have to do a podcast. I have to do a vlog. Like there were certain things on the list today that had to get done. Did I do any laundry? No, I'll do some tomorrow. So I, it will still be there. I don't have to get everything done. I prioritize and I make lists.

Ooh, this is a good one. How do you deal with your kids' mood swings? I want to know the answer to that one.

Okay, so I have a teenager and a tween and an 8-year-old. And as you probably know, teens are moody. And I think that I, first of all, I expect it. It's developmentally appropriate. And I don't take it personally. I think that's the key. A lot of their mood swings are they're pissed about virtual school, they don't want to do their homework, their friend upset them. Usually it has nothing to do with me. So I remember that.

That's a good one.

And I also tell them how they're coming across because sometimes they're not aware. So sometimes I'll say, how do you really want to talk to your wonderful mother? Because I don't think that's—

I like the presupposition that you're— I mean, you are a wonderful mother, but I love the assumptive close of wonderful mother to get them to reset. That's slick. I'm going to use that. So your wonderful husband would like to ask the next question. How are you helping your kids develop coping skills for all these new kinds of stresses that they're under?

I am always, um, just because of all the therapy that I did, I am always looking for coping skills for my kids, whether it's, um, a pandemic or not a pandemic. Um, I have talked to them a lot about this topic. Ella is really big into singing and acting and dancing, and her theater is her outlet and helps her cope. Um, Lily will dance around the house constantly, talk to her friends on the phone, and play with her toys. And we talk about what makes you feel better, what helps you destress. And if they say that something helps them destress, then I remember it and I stack it away in my toolbox and I pull it out if they're feeling stressed out. Well, why don't you go play some music and dance? It'll make you feel better. Max, we have talked about this a lot with Max, and he says that gaming helps him destress and just get distracted and away from anything that might be stressing him out. But I also found that he has a really good way of looking at things, and he tends to say things like, oh, it's gonna be fine. To himself. He has really positive self-talk, and I talk to my kids a lot about self-talk and how they talk to themselves. And I just want you to pay attention to what do your kids do to destress. Pay attention to what they're doing, because sometimes when they're feeling stressed out, they're not going to remember that reading a book is going to help them. So it's a good discussion to have with them, and it's a good observation for parents to make.

Yes, I also noticed he is using the punching bag as well. He is going in the basement, hitting the punching bag if he's upset, or, you know, doing some type of exercise. Parenting is the most important job that comes with— without a user manual. What is the first step to be a successful parent?

Um, I laugh at the fact that people say that there's not a user manual for parenting, because I want you to go type in parenting book and laugh.

Into Amazon.

Into Amazon and laugh at the hundreds of parenting books. I've read so many parenting books and I love listening to parenting podcasts. That's another thing. Type in parenting to your podcast app. Type in parenting teens. Type in parenting toddlers. Anyways, I digress.

It's all there.

So, what was the question?

What is the first step to be a successful parent other than reading a parenting book? The only one I ever got— you ever got me was What to Expect When You're Expecting and It didn't tell me what to expect when they were 13. But I'm sure there's a what to expect in a teenager book.

Yeah, and there's also awesome podcasts on parenting teens.

Look at you with the podcast. What's the first step to be a successful parent?

Okay, so I think that what I have found with children in general is that our time is number one, that they want our time and our attention. So giving them, knowing that they are a priority in your life, knowing that you want to give them your attention. And the formula that I was taught that I try to lead every day in my life, and Seth helps me with this, is lots of love along with clear expectations and discipline. So Seth is very good at the discipline.

Yep.

And the love. And I need a little help.

You're more good at the love part.

I'm more good at the love. I'm very good at clear expectations. I just need Seth to help me sometimes. I'm not naturally a good disciplinarian.

That's because you're so nice. Ooh, this is both negative and positive. Most of us get into a marriage emotionally without understanding it is a lifetime of partnership. How do you build a partnership for a lifetime?

That's a good question. It brings me back to working at Premier Gourmet when I was a teenager, and my manager said to all of us working there who were around her, "I'm getting married, but if it doesn't work out, I'll just get divorced." And I was like, "What did she just say?" Um, so step number 1 to a marriage of a lifetime is when you get married, um, get married have the expectation that you're signing a contract and you're getting married for your lifetime. And, you know, I would say that if you are going to marry someone, if you're engaged like I was, and you're picturing yourself running away from the altar the other way, don't marry that person.

Oh boy.

Okay, if you— anyways, That was, that was way back before Seth.

Thank you for clarifying that. Yeah, don't throw me— I wasn't there for that one. That one wasn't on me.

So step number 1 is go into your marriage with the expectation that you're going to be married forever. If you do not want to be with this person forever, do not marry them. And, um, put lots of— they call it deposits— put lots of little deposits, little big deposits into your marriage every day.

Emotional bank account.

Emotional— fill the bucket, the marital bucket. There are so many things that we put effort into: our job, our kids, you know, our house. And our marriage deserves our attention too. And I find that all these little deposits that we put into our marriage every day, it all equals—

adds up—

a happy marriage that can last.

Absolutely. How do you lead a life without regrets as a parent and, and a spouse?

Another good question.

So I'm not going to tell you we don't have regrets, like over something stupid that I said the other day.

Well, okay, I might have the right, but okay, so how do we not have regrets is the question.

Yes, sorry.

So I really try to not look at it as a regret but to look at it as a learning experience. And I think that if we make a mistake and we feel regretful about it, whether it's with our kid or with our spouse. And I screw up every single day. I just really try to look at what did I, what did I do wrong in that situation? What is my part and how can I learn from this and what can I do different? And then it's not a regret, it's a, I learned something and I can do better.

Yes. I was listening to one of our clients' podcasts earlier today and he had a great quote on it. He said, "There's no failure, only feedback." I thought that was good.

There's no failure. There's— oh, I like that. Can you back up to marriage? Because I did want to tell them my favorite line.

Sure.

Okay, my favorite marital line, and I forgot where it came from, but marriage is two imperfect people who never give up on each other. And I will remember that line forever because it inspires me.

That is, that is beautiful. How are you keeping up with your kids' homework and all the Zoom stuff?

I'm very lucky. Some people aren't as lucky because they have a lot of little kids and they have to keep up with helping all of the little kids. I have a 13-year-old and an 11-year-old who are pretty self-sufficient. I'm home so I can make sure that they're on all day. So I do monitor them, but they get on all their Zooms and they do all their assignments on their own. They might ask for a little help and then I can go into the school website and make sure that they've turned everything in, but they really do a good job of checking for themselves and making sure that they don't have anything missing. Lily is a whole different story. Lily is 8, and if Lily has Zooms, you know, my life has totally changed with—

you're sitting in her class all day with her. This is a totally different dream, honey. You used to want to go into the school more. Now you're on virtual school all day.

You know that's not true. So I have learned, I have totally changed my life, totally changed my expectations, and I've adjusted to the situation. If Lily has Zooms, I don't do much.

I have a Zoom too.

I have to make sure, because her Zooms are on and off and on and off, and I have to make sure that she's doing it. And she's good at it, but I have to help. And she has a million questions. And then her teacher gives her work to do and then she needs help. She's not very independent. So I am going to third grade.

Yes, that's an excellent way to put it. Congratulations, honey. You said you always wanted to go back to third grade. Uh, how do you have date nights when you don't have someone to watch your kids due to COVID concerns?

I have friends who are being very creative with this. I have one friend who told me that her and her husband are having sunrise dates which doesn't appeal to me.

I was gonna say, you're not a morning person, so—

I don't want to get up before the sun. So they get up—

Well, wait, with fall back, never mind.

Stop it. They will get up before the kids and have like a date together in the house. They will also put the kids to bed. Not them, a different couple that I know will put the kids to bed early and have a nice dinner and watch a movie together with the kids just in bed. I also know that a lot of people don't wanna go to restaurants, which you, we won't go there 'cause a lot of people aren't comfortable. I think that if you have a trusted, I know you're not trying, a lot of you are trying not to see people and I don't know whose parents are comfortable helping and whose aren't, but if you have a trusted grandparent who could help you and watch your kid, even in your own house so that you could have dinner together in your own house. And I know a lot of teenagers are home doing remote learning, and I'm sure they would be more than willing to come over and play with your children and occupy them.

And they're remote, so they're not exposed to the germs of school, right?

So you could go to a restaurant that you feel comfortable at, the tables are spaced out well, or you could do it in your own house in your dining room. And I had one more thought, I'm trying to remember what it was. Um, oh, I have seen children setting up dates for their parents. So I have seen—

Max could make you grilled cheese, honey.

So I have seen kids making a menu, making dinner or lunch or whatever, setting it up for the parents.

You're gonna have a ham and Swiss sandwich or Nutella?

And then going away and doing their own thing and letting their parents have the date that they have made for them. You're funny. I'm trying to finish my sentence.

I know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just picturing that in our house.

I hope that was helpful.

I'm sure it was. How do you come up with ideas for your blog?

You know, I don't want to say this out loud because then it's going to happen to me, but every week things present itself. I have 3 kids and a husband and pets and friends and family, and things happen every single week in my life. So what's happening this week? What do I think would help people? What are my kids struggling with that I think that your kids need to hear about? What is our— what, what can I talk about from our marriage?

And I'm happy to be fodder for your blog.

And you have given me suggestions.

Yes, I have.

And people have written to me or texted me and said, can you write about this? Which I'm happy to do.

Yes, you're to serve.

I love requests.

Okay, other than my fabulous Sharkpreneur podcast and your Winey Palooza Family Friday podcast, what podcast do you listen to?

I gave you a list.

Oh, sorry, I'm supposed to read this one. I'm not following directions.

You want me to read?

No, no, no, no, no. Okay, um, you listen to, uh, the Gottman Institute for marital tips, Power Your Parenting, Parenting Great Kids, Tony Robbins. I listen to Tony. The Stay Calm Mom, Jessica, and Raising Good Humans. You also like to unwind and not think, and therefore you spend time with some Bravo Liberty. Star Podcast. Fantastic.

So I like to learn from other people doing parenting and marital vlog podcasts. So I like to listen to them as I'm walking my dog or doing laundry or whatever, just so I can hear how they do it. But sometimes I just want to chill and put on mindless fluff. Mindless— I'm trying to think of some of my favorite ones off the top of my head.

Am I allowed to answer that? Remind you what your favorite ones are?

I— well, sometimes I listen to Sheena.

Yeah.

Oh, Lala. Yeah, you know what it is? I like Vanderpump, if you watch Vanderpump. So I like to listen to the Vanderpump—

the Vanderpump Kids. How do you keep romance at a premium when you are a business owner mother with a bunch of kids and pets?

I wasn't done with the podcast.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't— I thought you were done.

I wanted to tell them that I listen to myself every Friday because, you know, I did one today with Shelley Lefkoe, and she's an amazing lady, and I loved talking to her and learning from her. But I was having a conversation and asking her questions, and every Friday I listen to it because then I can learn from it, like what did I miss because I was so busy talking, and I can hear if there's something I want to do better. And, um, this Friday is Rebecca L. Maddox— no, Maddox L. Hackum.

Rebecca, I'm sorry, honey.

Okay, so I love this lady. We really connected. We could be friends. Her name— I screwed up.

She just can't pronounce her last name.

Butchered her name. Rebecca—

her name is Rebecca with a K—

L. Hackum. And her Mom spelled Rebecca awesome with the K.

How do you keep romance at a premium when you are a business owner mother with a bunch of kids and pets?

This is a good question for you, but I think that we schedule meetings and we have things on the calendar for our kids and we have things on the calendar for our business, and I think we just have to put things on the calendar for our marriage.

Yes.

And he does that.

He is I put her on the calendar, I book her, and she's like, why is my calendar pinging me? And I'm saying, because I just scheduled a date with you.

So he'll just put a date in the calendar, or he'll just put a podcast in the calendar and say, oh, you're talking to this woman, and I'm—

it—

my phone is constantly pinging. But we do schedule stuff. Yeah. So I think that— don't you think that's the key?

Yes, you have to make it a priority and you have to make time for it, because you don't make time for it, it won't happen.

Yes.

You're doing great. As your kids get older and have more and more sass, how do you not get angry at them when they get all sassy about tiny insignificant things?

Linda says hi.

Hi, Linda.

Okay, so that goes back to the moodiness.

Yes.

Kind of the similar thing. So when Lily in particular gets sassy—

She is the most sassy.

I get reactive if I take it personally.

Yep.

I'm able to stay calm if I know that it's not about me. It's not personal. She's tired. Usually she's overtired or she's not getting her way.

Um, that's a whole separate conversation.

Or she just has an attitude. That's just sometimes how she is. So, um, I try to stay calm and non-reactive and not take it personally. However, sometimes I do get upset. And I will say to her, um, you need to take— you need to go away and come back when you're ready to talk to me the right way. And she knows to take a timeout. She's pretty good at that. She knows that if she cools down, she'll talk to me more appropriately. And I'm trying to think what else. I think that covers it.

I think it does. This is a question from another mommy blogger. One mommy blogger to another, how are you keeping focused during these strange times? I'm all over the place at this time and my productivity is in the tank. That applies to a lot of people, not just mommy bloggers.

I mean, I think, you know, you can chime in with everything because you know the answers to all of these questions, but I think for me in particular, deadlines work for me. If I'm just like floating through my week, then it gets done whenever, whenever. But I know that every Wednesday I have to have something written, I have to have a blog, and then I have to talk about it at night and have a vlog, and it's every Wednesday. I know that every Friday I have to have a podcast, and I also have other tasks that I have to accomplish for work stuff and for the kids, and I just— deadlines. Deadlines are my key.

Deadlines are your key. Okay, my husband is busy in his retired life and I am still working. We rarely do things together because the things that he loves I have no interest in, and vice versa. Any advice for how to keep going?

How to keep going, that's what it says. Um, I think it's okay. So she's talking about recreational companionship, that's your word for it.

Yes.

And so that's the, that's the formal word for what she's talking about. And I think that a lot of couples have this where like he wants to go, you know, golfing and she wants to go do something else. And to the nail salon, to, you know, we don't always have hobbies that we want to do together.

Correct.

I think that what I've learned from my parents is that marriage is a lot of compromise. And my mother might not want to go to the Bills game, but my dad does, and he wants her to come, so she goes. And he might not want to go to the store with her, but she wants him to come, so he goes.

Gotta go to Whole Foods.

Well, no, the fact of the matter is marriage is about compromise. So not only, you know, you'll do something for me if I want— you don't want to go to the car show.

I do not want to go to the car show.

But I do. I like cars.

Yes, you do. It's very painful.

And I like to look at all the cars.

Oh my God, I'd rather have a root canal.

And he has other ideas that he would like me to try with him, so we compromise. And I also think it's a great idea to come up with something new that you can both do together. So maybe you can form—

we could equally not like it just as much.

Maybe you could come up with a hobby that you both— that is new for both of you that you would both enjoy.

You became obsessed with puzzles at the beginning of COVID and all of a sudden I had to find you different puzzles of the right number of pieces on Amazon, and we— you took over the dining room table.

Yeah, but you did them, you did them with me.

I, I, I— my neck still hurts from 6 months ago. I did, I did do them with you.

So that was a new hobby that we did together.

That was fascinating. My kids are home from college due to COVID. They feel isolated and are desperate for social interaction, yet are sick of Zoom because all their classes are on Zoom. They feel like— they feel like they will never meet new people again. Any advice?

So Sean's gonna take me to the—

oh, Sean, you're my hero, dude. I would pay to outsource the car show. You're hired. Go with the Cosmalas, please.

Cosmos.

Awesome. Sean, if you want, I'll take Karen to wherever you don't want to go.

I think that Karen wants to go—

voice swap. No, she wants— no, never mind.

He said us. I'm gonna go with the Cosmos and you'll get off the hook.

I'm off the hook.

Okay, Sean, you're all right in my book. How can her college kids stuck home on Zoom meet new people?

Meet new people.

Okay, so this is tricky. Because it depends on what you're comfortable with.

Right.

So, um, there is still a lot of opportunities for them to get a job. I don't know if you want them out there working, but there are places that are, I think, doing a great job with safety. Even Ella's Theatre has teenagers working there. College students working there, and they're doing a great job keeping everybody safe, knock on wood. So I would say one of the best places that I met people was getting a job. I also know that gyms are open, and it's an— again, it's another thing about comfort level, but it's only like, what is it, 25% occupancy? It's something low, and they're social distancing. So even if they went to like an exercise class They may be— they may possibly be able to meet people in a safe way. Um, I, I know that this is online and everybody's so tired of online, but I was about to go on a Jewish dating site to meet somebody before we met. Um, I was about to sign up for it and Seth came into my life, wiped her off so nobody else could find her. So I know that it sucks because because it's online, but there's definitely dating sites. And I don't know, how else can they meet new people? Seth, you got anything else?

I would be— there are socially distant networking groups, socially distant young couple, young people, young upwardly mobile professionals, um, groups where—

what about— oh, go ahead. No, no, what about study groups? I wonder if the college is doing like online study groups.

Right, but they're trying to get offline. These people, in this example, in this question, they don't want to be online anymore.

Yeah, it's hard. It's hard. It's a hard time.

Uh, I hate cooking and my husband hates to eat out. He's a great cook, but he thinks I should do the cooking. It is a constant battle. Any advice? See, Rebecca's watching, so there.

Rebecca, I butchered— see, I should have just said Rebecca El Hakam. See, you can't even remember. Rebecca, say your last name!

Bring her on camera, she could say it. We butchered it.

Um, Rebecca, your podcast is Friday with me. I'm so excited, very, very excited.

It airs Friday.

It airs Friday. So, um, okay, I hate cooking, cooking, cooking. So again, marriage is about compromise.

Nobody gets what they want.

We— no, we have to come up with something that we're all happy with. So you don't like to cook, equally miserable. I'm gonna finish. You don't like to cook. Your husband doesn't like takeout. Your husband's a good cook but wants you to cook. I think I captured it all. Yes, yes, that is correct. It's not Hakim, perfect. Hakim, Sakim, El Hakim. That was perfect.

So, um, she's being funny, you know that, right? Sakim isn't really in her name.

I know, but it helps you, it helps you pronounce it. Okay, okay. So mixing mix it up. I'm telling this lady to mix it up. Talk to your husband, mix it up, come up with a plan. My plan in my head is 2 nights a week you cook, 2 nights a week he cooks, 2 nights a week, um, you get takeout, and then the last night go to a restaurant.

I was wondering if you were doing the math as you were going along and you were going to end up at 12 nights somehow.

Oh my God.

All right, that is, I believe, all we have time for this evening.

Oh gosh, it's late. Okay, so we did not get to all the questions.

We'll do another one, we'll come back to it.

Um, I know somebody asked me— what was the question that I asked you about product reviews?

Do you do product reviews?

Yes, we will. Absolutely, we will do product reviews.

You send it to her, she likes it, she'll— well, we'll talk about getting you on the show or on the podcast or on the blog or anywhere else.

So, um, I will save the rest of the questions for next time. Yes, because this has been pretty long and I need to get my children to bed. But hello, Lily, so much for joining us. Thank you for your questions. Please send questions, topic requests, and listen to my podcast, winiepaloozamom@gmail.com.

For the questions, check out Winey Palooza on iTunes, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, and YouTube.

How do you do that?

Lots of practice.

Okay, ladies, take us out. I don't want to go to bed.

Thank you for watching Whiny Palooza Wednesday with the Green Family.

Ciao!

Thank you for watching. Ciao ciao, chicken.

Thanks for watching. See you next week.