Bootcamp Day 2: From Survival Mode to Fully Alive

It's day 2 of Remember Who the Fuck You Are. Thank you for being here. Thank you, thank you for being who you are in the world, the cycle breaker in your family. We are today going into some of the deepest work potentially you've ever done that is the most life-changing in terms of what no one's taught you before. And You're just in for a freaking treat today. So I'm Rebecca. Welcome back. You are here for a reason, wherever you are, whenever you're watching. The ladies that are with me live, I am so grateful that you are here, and I would love for you, as much as you're willing to, to pop in the chat for me takeaways from yesterday, any questions you have, takeaways as we go today, and any questions that you have today. Anything you want me to say a different way, unpack more, please. I am here completely for you. The practice of emotional healing is so unique, as we talked about on day 1, because we're not understanding or talking about or trying to intellectualize ourselves and our past and our patterns. We're actually committed to feeling our way into a different experience. And for so many of us, feeling has felt inconvenient, like something's wrong, certainly like there are not going to be people that can handle this. If they really saw me raw and real and messy, they'd run for the hills. But here's what we must, must, must look at today. You learned as a little girl What emotions were safe and acceptable, and what emotions were not safe or acceptable. You learned what needs were safe and acceptable, and what needs were not safe and acceptable. And for most generational cycle breakers, we learned to prioritize other people's emotions and well-being and needs above our own. Who can relate? Pop it in the chat. Is it easier to focus on other people and what they're feeling and what they're needing? than it is to focus on you. Now I'm getting head nods. I want you to also check in with yourself, and if you're able— Yeah, always have been. If you're able, close your eyes and then let me know in the chat if this is you. Is there one version of you at work, one version of you at home with the kids, one version of you With your spouse or romantic partner, one version of you in business, one version of you with your parents, one version of you with your siblings, one version of you with your friends, another version of you when you're all alone and by yourself in those rare moments where nobody needs you or wants something from you. Are there multiple versions of you? Okay, now open your eyes. Uh-huh. Okay, now Imagine that doesn't have to be your life. You can be you, all of who the fuck you are, everywhere you go. Consistent. Same you, different scene. Same you, different area of your life. Now let me ask you, do you want your kids— and I don't care how old they are, you know, I work with so many women in their 40s, 50s, 60s plus— And their kids tell them after they've hired me and worked with me and learned the practice of emotional healing, the greatest gift is watching their mother fully expressed and free. It doesn't matter how old your kids are. This work matters, right? But what would it mean for your children? See their faces in your mind's eye for a moment to have you modeling consistently. You're just you. You're not a chameleon. You don't adapt based on where you are, who's in front of you. You're just you everywhere you go. Consistent, regulated, resting in what I call joyful fulfillment, even in moments that are not ideal or going your way. What would it mean for your kids? Pop in the chat. To have you consistently you, remembering who the fuck you are and not picking and choosing. When it's safe and where it's safe and who it's safe to be yourself with. I can't tell you how many times over the years I have had women say to me, hundreds upon hundreds of them, well, I can't be myself with that person. That's not safe. They're not safe. It's not safe to be myself at work. My boss doesn't like it. My team doesn't like it. This client, I got to change who I am for them, Rebecca. It's not safe to be myself. I might lose The client. And here's my genuine reaction. Ah! You are the safest when you are you. You know why? Because you're in your body, you're grounded, you can see shit coming that if you're in self-protection, it's going to be harder to see. Okay. When you're survival you, you're not grounded and you can't see clearly what's hidden in plain sight and real and not going anywhere. I don't want you only who you are when life goes your way or when it feels safe, like this person isn't going to run away because you showed up real. I just want you real because that's how you attract people into your life that are also real. What I'm about to show you and unveil, I am so proud of, and you are the first to see it. Okay, this, ladies, is my emotional healing map. It is brand spanking new and quite literally 25 years plus of experience in a graphic. It's gonna explain so much. So we today are gonna focus on survival. Tomorrow, okay, and I just love this, the emotional healing map from survival response to emotional freedom. Tomorrow, day 3, we're gonna start diving into the darker emotions, and I will explain that there are only 5 human emotions. Tomorrow we'll deal with the dark ones, then day 4 we'll deal with the light ones. But the goal of remembering who the fuck you are is the joyful you, safe to be herself, is leading her life as the rule, not the exception, regardless of other people. Regardless of their dysregulation, regardless of situations, circumstances, diagnoses, et cetera. Joy gets to be your life. And let me ask ya, haven't you been through enough? Pop in the chat. Who here knows they've been through enough and they deserve peace, fulfillment, joy, the good stuff? As the foundation of their life and the role they live by. Who knows? That's you. It gets to be good from here. You've been through enough. So today, this is big. We are looking at, all right, who you're not and who you are. But this is key. None of it's wrong. Everything I put on this emotional healing map Is all of us. We're all, all of it. But the generational cycle breaker in the family had to anticipate who she needed to be for everybody else. The generational cycle breaker in the family had to anticipate. What would set people off or not, deciding who she needed to be to make sure everybody else was good, because God forbid anybody's upset or uncomfortable. So she'll just take it for the team. These are all signs that you're a generational cycle breaker. And at the same time, you imagined so much good for everybody you loved. You wanted so much better. For your family, and you tried to be the love that would make sure nobody kept taking their emotional pain out on each other anymore. And if this isn't you, tell me in the comments. And if it is you, tell me in the comments and in the chat if you're here live, wherever you're watching. I want you to do yourself the solid of acknowledging it doesn't have to be this way anymore. And so with this brand new, hot off the presses emotional healing map, today we're gonna look at who we became to survive our childhood that still takes over and runs the show today. And by the end of today, we're gonna pick our favorite flavor— fight, flight, freeze. And we're all, all of it. But that doesn't mean It's who we really are when we're in survival. But the thing is, I can't tell you you're never going to be triggered once you learn emotional healing, because you will be. I'm just going to help you get back to healed faster and faster and faster. And more and more and more is the rule, not the exception. We're going to get triggered. And guess what triggers us more than anything? Put it in the comments. What's your guess about? I want to see the comments quick. Put it in the comments. What's your guess about what triggers us more than anything? I deserve to thrive, says Erin. Amen, sister. Any guesses? All right, we got some kind of like. What's your guess? What triggers us more than anything? Not being heard is mine. People we love. Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding! And Aaron's is the same, really—just not being heard, right? By somebody you love. So relationships trigger us. But let me frame this in a way that will hopefully crack your heart open just a little bit. We want in the practice of emotional healing to know where we're healed and where we're not. We really, really do. Because as adults, it's never the person in front of you or the situation that's the problem. You are, when you're triggered, 100% of the time fighting with a ghost from your past. You can't even see this person for who they are. Because they're reminding you of your mother, your father, your sister, your brother, your stepparent, the evil piano teacher, the babysitter, whoever it was. We introduced the idea yesterday. A trigger is the moment in time you got stuck. There's a stuck age, there's a stuck emotion, and there's a pattern that started running your life that most likely You don't even know what it is because it's just become so normal for you. And this isn't excusing assholes that are behaving badly. Please don't hear me like I'm saying what the person is doing or saying or not doing or not saying isn't a problem. It's just they aren't so powerful that they make you go here, here, or here. That's just what you learn to do. That's just who you learn to be. And it's unconscious. And your nervous system, believe it or not, wants to keep you here because it feels safer. Okay? And what nobody else is going to tell you is breaking up with survival, it can feel, if you're doing it right, like you're dying or like you're going to die. But you're not. You're going to be reborn. Who you say you are emerges when you let go of letting yourself lean on and default to fight flight freeze responses over the heel. So let's go back to the map. Okay, so we're gonna break it down. Now notice. Fight, and we're starting here for a reason, and anger aren't the same thing. Most of you have them collapsed together. Anger is violence. Anger is attack. Anger is aggressive. No, it freaking isn't, and we're gonna get into that more tomorrow, okay? But that's fight. So Before somebody asks me this, why isn't fawn on here? Because it's just a flight response. Okay, so for some of you that have learned fight, flight, freeze, fawn, the way I teach it is in a way that makes this as simple as possible for you. There's basically 8 places you can go in consciousness in my work, the practice of emotional healing. That's it. And fawn, pleasing, is just another way to run away, the flight response. Okay, is where I categorize the fun and the pleasing, which you'll see here. Okay, so fight. Let's start here. I believe every single generational cycle breaker is a fighter. You're fighting for your family. You're fighting for right action. You're fighting for better. Pop it in the comments if you know you're a fighter. Yeah, we be fighters. And it's so interesting because I never really identified as a fighter until I was getting out of my domestic violence marriage and getting divorced. And it really was a fight. Like, I had no idea how I was going to raise this little girl, 2 years old, all by myself at the time on a school counseling salary. I had no idea how I was gonna do it. And my ex-husband gave up his rights fully straight out the gate. So this was all me. There was no child support, there was no help. I was in a state with no family. I had no idea how I was gonna do it. And I had no idea I was a fighter. And I had no idea I was smart. I had no idea how strong I was. I just knew. I'd be damned if it wasn't different for my kid than it was for me. And I was horrified that I found myself right smack back dab in the middle of the cycle I grew up in, because I had thought understanding would be enough to heal it. It wasn't. But I didn't know I was a fighter yet. Do you already know you're a fighter? You're way ahead of me by being here and knowing that and embracing that. But what we need to give up is the fight that keeps us being who we needed to be growing up to survive our childhood, right? We all have this survival self committed to self-protection and not getting hurt again and not getting heartbroken again and not being too much and not being not enough. And I could go on and on, right? And then we think that's who we are. So if you're stressed, if you're suffering, Okay, there's an authenticity happening. You're, you're inauthentic if you're stressed and suffering, and I'm not judging you for it. My whole life was fight, flight, freeze. My whole life until I got out of that marriage and met my first coach that actually taught me Huh. Generational healing happens when you go reconnect with your inner child and give her what she never got that she desperately needed. That was the beginning of the practice of emotional healing, recognizing I was the hero in my story. I was the only one who could give myself the care, the listening, Erin, the regard, The understanding that I really, really needed. Because if I don't give it to me, it's gonna bounce off me like a force field when other people try to give it to me. I can't receive better than what I give myself. And the world shows me where I'm healed and where I'm not. My relationships show me where I'm healed and where I'm not, and how well I'm loving me. Every day, the world shows me how well I'm loving me. It's all reflecting back to me how well I'm loving me. And the same is true for you. So you became a version of you to survive your childhood that is not who you are. I can promise you that. And then you keep experiencing relationships the way you experienced family growing up until you emotionally heal. It's the same cast of characters in different costumes. Right? I grew up with a perpetrator dictator father and a victim damsel in distress mother and a fighter sibling that wasn't taking any of that. And I was the good one in flight, bouncing around, trying to be who everybody needed me to be. And for Literally years up until I was 27 and divorced, pretty much all my relationships had a bad guy, a damsel in distress, and a squeaky wheel who was a pain in the ass. And I was still the good one bouncing around the walls. Who do I need to be? How do I need to be? How do I take care of you? How do I make sure you're not mad at me? How do I make sure you know how much I care about you? How do I love you enough to heal you? Anybody else? Have that as a leading question as a little girl. How do I love you enough to heal you? You can't heal them. You can just model what healing actually looks like. So all of that is why I say the person in the situation now really isn't your problem, and every trigger is an access point to where your heart got broken, to the age you're stuck at, and to a stuck emotion. I'll say that one more time because this is too important. Every trigger is access. To the moment in time you got stuck, the age and the stuck emotion, and a pattern formed. And life keeps poking its finger in the wound, and different people pop up like whack-a-mole to help you see, yep, you still haven't healed this yet. It's just most people don't ever experience life beyond fight, flight, freeze. Like, really, most people never experience life and relationships and intimacy and connection. Because they're trauma bonding in fight, flight, freeze. And this is trauma bonding. There's no connection there. This is avoidance to intimacy. This is not normal in the way we wanna make normal sound sexy. It's very normal in a way that guts me, but it isn't normal in a good way. And the thing about being the cycle breaker is you're an outlier. Right? And you can't break the mold trying to fit in the mold. So I want us to embrace being the outliers we are is good news, not bad news. And I want us to get really profoundly connected to the part of us that goes into fight today, the part of us that goes into flight today, and the part of us that goes into freeze today. Okay, so Let's break it down and pop your questions in the comments, in the chat. Let me know how you're tracking. I'm going deep. All bets are off. It's day 2. Let's go. So fight, man. When we're in fight, do we care so much? So much. And we really are fighting for better, more correct, but we're doing it in a way where nobody's gonna respect us. Why? Because we're being disrespectful. Okay, so when I'm in fight— and you can think of somebody in your life, and maybe it's you, I don't have judgment there— that they always need to be right. Everybody else is wrong because they gotta be right. Okay, respecting yourself but disrespecting other people in the name of being right and righteous and superior isn't going to be received very well, even if you're actually Correct. When I have these couples and I got one who's the persecutor in fight, making the victim who's in freeze wrong, guess which one cares more about the relationship? The one in fight or the one in freeze? Put it in the chat. I wanna see, I wanna see what your guess is. Who do you think cares more? The person in fight or the person in freeze? Freeze. Freeze. Somebody says freeze. Any other guesses? Fight. Fight. The answer's fight. The person in freeze is just shutting down. So the person in fight is like, hello, anybody in there? Wake up! You with me? You care? Let me get a rise out of you so I have an active participant engaging with me in this relationship. But the way the person in fight is coming across Super disrespectful, blaming, critical, punishing, threatening, judgmental, intimidating, righteous, aggressive, bulldozing, bullying, too much, isolating, right? Because why do I have isolating here? We're isolating when we're in fight because you can't feel my heart at all. You can't feel me when I'm in fight. So then I feel alone on an island, hating, lashing out, abusing, out of control, violent, attacking me. Fight, you can see when I put it like this, ain't gonna get you very far. It's just gonna have people scared of you and doing a lot of trying to not set you off. And so when you're in fight, you are committed to respecting yourself and what's correct, But you are being disrespectful AF and you are pushing people away. And we all have a part of us that goes here. I've got a client that has her fight, flight, freeze names for herself, Huey, Dewey, and Louie. And they come out. Huey, you don't wanna mess with Huey. And we've all got this in us. So what gets really interesting, a couple more things about fight. Most of us had the modeling of all 3, right? Fight, flight, freeze. And we thought, this is just what happens in relationships. This is just what happens in love. And I said earlier, we're gonna pick our favorite flavor. Some of you decided you were never gonna be fight because you don't wanna do harm. So you just take it. That was me. I was never gonna let myself go there. But here's the lie I was in that I want to clue you in on, because maybe you're in this lie with yourself too. I thought because I was never gonna do harm, and I made that commitment probably at 5 years old, what I didn't realize is self-harm is still fight, just directed at me. And I never said I'm not gonna do harm to me. I just said I'm not gonna do harm to you. So there was no place. There was no place for that part of myself to go other than inward. Anybody relate to me here? I come from a family of addicts. Somehow, thank you God, that missed me. But I abused alcohol in my early 20s. I had an eating disorder from about 14. Until I was 30, on and off. I ran 3 marathons anorexic, not eating, not drinking enough water. I was so mean to me, but I never identified as fight because that person hurts people. Well, I was way more capable of hurting people than I ever wanted to face, but once I did, I got so free. See, we're all, all of it. It's just tricky. Sometimes, and subtle sometimes, to be able to see it. Okay, so now look what else I've included in this gorgeous brand new emotional healing map. Underneath the fight, okay, you have a stuck emotion and there are real unmet needs. I'm going to come back to this in a minute, but I just want you to see fight is protecting you from an emotion. You don't believe you could survive if you felt it or if you were witnessed feeling it. Fight, flight, and freeze are protecting you from a naturally occurring, healthy, human, gorgeous emotion that ain't going nowhere. So all this has to get louder so you can see, um, I got emotions I'm denying and needs I'm denying. And I'm putting it on other people and circumstances to change for me to be okay. All right, how are we doing? Any questions about that before we go into flight? Because see, what I want is for fight to be redirected into— you fight for your healing, you fight to be the healed you when the survival you wants to go back to old patterns. That's the fight. Even if it isn't something I feel like doing, I will not take my emotions out on anybody. And today, not even towards myself. I'm gentle with myself when I want to be hard on myself. Imagine that life. Imagine your kids having that example. Okay, let's keep going. So, flight. This one we have to spend a little bit more time on, okay? So flight can look like you got it all together. Really can. Doesn't look like you're running away. Doesn't look like you're escaping. Not when we're at the level that this crowd is at. Okay. Somebody in drug addiction or any type of addiction, they definitely look like they're in flight. But there's a version of flight that I lovingly call like high-functioning unhappiness. Like you look like you have it together, you don't need nothing, you're good, you're good, you got it, you got it. But that's still flight. So this one I think is sometimes for those of us that are the generational cycle breakers, The good girls, the type A, you know, best in class, top of the food chain type of women, it can be harder to identify flight because it just looks like you're a rock star to everybody else. And it's easy to convince yourself that that's what's happening too. But let's look at this. If I'm putting other people's needs ahead of my own, Can we see how that's a flight response? Me running from my genuine humanity, wants, needs, feelings, emotions, desires. If I won't make me matter and I only get my worth putting everybody else's needs ahead of my own, and that's the only way I know I'm valuable because of all I do for people, right? That's flight. Are you starting to see why I'm saying we're all all of it? Because we genuinely are. So when I'm in flight, why am I saying I'm disrespecting me and disrespecting you here? I've completely factored myself out. And I'm gonna be very like bold, but I'm just gonna say it. When you're in flight, you're acting like you care. You don't. You don't care about them. You're not doing all of what you're doing, jumping through hoops and walking on eggshells and being over-responsible like Luisa in Encanto can't keep holding it all up, if you've ever seen that movie, under pressure, because you care. You're doing it because this person is making you uncomfortable. You don't want to feel how you're feeling, so you avoid it and take care of them and hope if you change them, then you're gonna feel better. Got it? This is not caring. And my job today— I know this is a lot— is to make this disgusting, to recognize you're in fight, flight, or freeze and give yourself permission to stay there. And the deal is, I always say I should give a disclaimer, like, once I'm your coach, you can't pretend like you don't know anymore. You're never going to be able to go back to not knowing. What you know now because of what I show you. So it's going to be a different type of a choice once you know, right? And this happens a lot with my marriage coaching. I'm really good. I almost all the marriages I can help heal, I can help save, but both people have to want the healing, right? And that isn't always the case, but we have to get responsible for I'm playing out with you. What I never healed from my childhood. You're not the problem. You're my greatest spiritual teacher, helping me see I don't have to experience marriage with you the way I experienced family. I don't have to experience love with you the way I experienced love growing up. I can create something totally different. What Mark and I have, it takes my breath away. It's my greatest accomplishment, and it is nothing like what we had growing up, either one of us. It isn't a reenactment anymore. But this is hard work. To own it. I'm in fight. Nobody made me do that. That's just what I do. I'm in flight. Nobody made me do that. That's just what I do given these set of circumstances, feelings, the perfect storm in front of me. I'm in freeze. That's just what I do given this scenario. They didn't make you. Nobody can make you feel some type of way. Can they be a jerk? Can they be an asshole? Can they be hurtful? Of course. But what they activate inside of you was already there. And once you're healed, it doesn't hurt anymore. And now it's just, oh, wait a minute, they're showing me who they are and I get to communicate. Here's what I actually want, need, and feel about this in this relationship. Are you willing to grow with me here? Because this isn't how I do relationships. We recently had some friends staying with us and the mom lashed out at her daughter and And my daughter looked at me and said, that is not what we do. I said, you're right. And then she said to her friend, that is not what we do, when her friend lashed out at her the way her mom had just lashed out. Can you imagine at 11 years old being that convicted in knowing who the fuck you are and what's acceptable and what isn't that you stand for it verbally and risk it? That's what I want for your kids. That's what they deserve. But you have to model it first. And again, it isn't what you tell them, it's what they see you do with you. It's all your relationship with yourself that needs the healing, and then the externals change. It isn't the externals change and then I feel different ever. Just maybe temporary relief, and that's more of the flight, right? I changed the scenery so I had some instant gratification. I had some temporary relief. But I didn't kill the pattern, so tomorrow here we go again. So flight—that's why I'm saying you're disrespecting yourself and you're disrespecting them when you're in flight because they don't get the real you. That's disrespectful, and you're pretending like you care and you don't. Your nervous system has just gone whack. It needs this to change for you to be okay. So you're gonna be the superhero and you're gonna save it and you're gonna change them. And then as long as they followed your direction while you played God in their life, all will be well. Am I making this gross enough? This is hard. I'm getting thumbs up. This is hard, but come on, somebody's got to tell you the truth about what the hell is actually going on. So, okay, when you're in flight, you're actually guarded and running away. You're numbing. Out of body is what I mean by dissociating. In my book, Coming Back to Life— if you haven't read it yet, go to Amazon, it's amazing— I have a chapter in here called The Body. And that chapter, along with the forgiveness chapter, has won me awards. I got very raw and vulnerable about how my relationship with my body has evolved over the years. I was so out of body, and I didn't even know it. I did not have my roots developed yet. I was just flying around trying to be the hero in everybody else's story so I had permission to take up space in my life. And I thought I had to achieve to have value. And I needed to be needed and I resented everybody who needed me. Can anybody else relate to this? I was totally out of body. So this one is really important to pay attention to. Dissociating. Controlling. Interfering. Superior. Overwhelmed. Under pressure. Fleeing. Pleasing. Anxious. Passive-aggressive. This one is really aggressive. This one's passive-aggressive. It's confusing. Flight is confusing. You become confusing because you've got this put-together image, but inside you're all a mess. So anybody in their body is going to feel there's a disconnect. So you really are confusing when you're in flight. Playing it safe, right? You don't want to risk it. You don't want to jeopardize what you have, and God forbid we rock the boat. Busy. Any of my ladies here, put it in the comments, put it in the chat if it's you and you're here live. Any of my ladies busy and glorifying busy? I did this for years too. Now my life is so full and rich. I'm not busy. I do what I want, when I want, how I want. I want that for you too. Over-responsible, the savior, escaping, having addictive tendencies— that's flight, okay? And we also have stuck emotion and unmet needs. We're going to get to more of this later. But see, down here is how you get over to the healed, okay? Freeze. Here's another thing that I, I want to find and feel into how I want to say this. So for some of you, we talked earlier about how growing up we had the cast of characters and certain people were in fight, flight, freeze. See, everybody has a role. So if I'm in flight, I've got to have somebody in fight and somebody in freeze in my world in the same moment. The roles all have to be filled. And we can all be all of it, and we all have a favorite, and we're gonna get to that in a minute, right? But the roles are all filled. So for some of us, we were one flavor growing up and then went to a different one in our marriage or at work. This all happens at work too. All the corporate trainings I've ever done, it's all family healing. I just don't tell them that. Right? Because they don't have a problem with their coworker, their coworkers reminding them of a ghost from their past too. And that's who they're fighting, not this person, not this situation, right? So for me, growing up, I was in a lot of flight, but my mom was in freeze. So what I learned was the husband is going to be the one in fight, the wife is the one in freeze. So I literally became my mother in my first marriage, but I hadn't been that yet. And see, this is why I get this all the time with my couples too. You can have had this like great love story. You're free. You get to be yourself. The sex is so hot. It's fabulous. And then you get married and it all goes to shit because you defaulted back to the modeling growing up. Okay, that's what I did. I can't tell you how horrified I was when I realized I had become my mother. And what was really beautiful about that is it helped me heal with my My mom's done a lot of work on herself and she tries really hard. She's pretty amazing. She's coming to my retreats, but it was brutal to wake up to, holy shit, I've become my mother. Now, my mother had become her mother and my grandmother had become her mother. And that's why we call it generational cycle breaking in the practice of emotional healing. And who knew trauma healing could be pleasure-centric? But that's what I'm doing. Like, I want it all to be good news for you, right? So you're all, all of it. And sometimes the role we default to as a wife, as a mother, isn't necessarily the one that we defaulted to growing up. But the goal here is for you to get comfortable With not making any of this wrong anymore. I just want you to know what to do when it's happening in you or in the people in front of you. My coaching, the private work with me, you get a master's degree in human behavior and relationships. What you learn about people, it's unmatched. The leadership development that emotional healing gives you is unmatched. All I need you to do is recognize where you are in consciousness, because this isn't you and it's not your fault, but it is your work. And to know what to do when you're there, and to know what to do with other people when they're there. That's all I need, is for this to not be wrong anymore and for you to know what to do when it's happening. And even more, to know who to be when it's happening. Not to change them or the situation so you can be safe and okay, but because you are the one bringing emotional safety into the moment. 'Cause that can change so much so fast. So freeze. This is who I was in my first marriage, and I was disrespecting myself to try to respect my husband and keep the ship afloat, right? Meanwhile, I'm getting physically, mentally, verbally, financially abused, cheated on, just like my mom. It looked different. And this can get really confusing. It looks different, so you think it's different, but does it feel different? If you're stressed, stuck, or suffering, I'm gonna suggest it doesn't feel different, and that's the problem. And this is why financial safety and security can't change the emotional safety in your home. Emotional safety is what we all want, but almost nobody gets it. My clients all do, right? So freeze— you're disrespecting you to respect the other person. Think about faking orgasms. Think about holding your tongue and not telling the truth about what's really going on with you because you don't want to be too much. You don't want to set somebody off. Think about not believing in yourself To get up off the floor. This really is a doormat, but you're the one on the floor. Get up! There's nothing going on more powerful than you. Get up! So the freeze has you trapped, powerless, visibly powerless. I do want to say fight and flight are also powerless. Freeze, you're visibly powerless. You are in self-protection. Numb, not enough, doomed, silent, submissive, disempowered, lonely, depressed. Depression is just depressing your emotions and your truth and your needs. It can heal. Anxiety is rejecting your truth, your emotions, And your needs, it can heal. Literally almost 100% of the time. It can heal. It's almost— I guess the way I want to say it is, it's so rare that somebody is mentally ill to the point where they can't heal. And I'm just gonna say, it's never happened in my practice. Where they were diagnosed, they were the lost cause, and they didn't heal. But you have to want it again, right? So that's really what's going on with depression. It can almost always fully heal when we find out where did you get frozen in time emotionally and do the work to release it, right? Helpless, passive, hopeless, nice. Nice. Ick! Stop being nice when people are mean to you. I was just working with a client on this. She's got people being ridiculously mean to her, and then she's nicer? I used to do it too. Who else can relate to that? Now, that's different than kind, which we're gonna get to tomorrow, or maybe the next day. I want us kind-hearted, but nice is usually fake. I had a coach ask me back in the day, Rebecca, do you want to be liked or respected? And I said, both. And she's like, eh, can't have both, one or the other. I was like, oh shit, I've always identified as nice. Who am I if I'm not nice? Oh, here's who I am when I'm not nice. Thank you very much, right? Like, let yourself meet yourself and own it. Inferior doormat adapting. Okay, so now I'm going to show you something on the board. Any takeaways, comments, questions, pop them in the chat. Now you can see why I say we're all bipolar. And people— I piss people off when I say that, but all I mean is literally everybody has a survival self and has a healed self. And if the cameras are following us, you look very different when you're clear emotionally and the healed you versus triggered and unclear in fight, flight, or freeze. Anxiety. Okay, okay, anxiety. Yes, great question. What did I say anxiety was again? So anxiety is rejecting your emotions, which I'm gonna teach you about tomorrow. I teach there's only 5, and your truth and your needs. You're rejecting it. Depression is you're shutting it down. Okay, and it really is that simple. It doesn't make it easy. But it really is that simple. So fight, flight, freeze. Last thing I want to show you for today, and then tomorrow we're going to get into the 5 core emotions and life beyond all this crazy, because healed lives out here. But again, most people, this is their whole life. They're just bouncing around these roles, and other people in their lives are filling the other spaces. It's most people's entire life. So here, this is what I want you to know: fight. What does this person need? We're going to get to the stuck emotion part of all of this tomorrow. But what this person needs, Aaron, is to be heard. Heard. Just try it. I hear you. Can diffuse it just like that. It's like magic. I hear you. Damn straight. They want to be heard. Flight. They want to rescue. They want somebody to come save them because they needed somebody to save them that never came in their childhood. This was me. I was being sexually abused. I was trying to be as invisible as I could be. I really needed a rescue. Nobody came. So I started rescuing everybody because unconsciously, then maybe someday, someday I'd get saved. But how it works is, no, you just keep creating situations where you have people in a situation that you think you need to rescue them, and you keep creating situations to prove you still need to be rescued too. Pretty disempowering. But I want you to see the compassion and love I have as I'm talking about all this, even though I'm saying, let me make it gross. Did I make it gross enough? I want you to see it's not wrong. I'm like, oh my God, I see, I get it. You're 7, you're 12, you just want to be heard, you just needed a rescue. How about we heal you so you can have your life back and not have you miss your life? How about that, right? And then the unmet need for freeze is they want to be understood. So somebody who feels really misunderstood, they're in a victim consciousness. So let me show you this one more time, and then I want to see your favorite flavor. Which one is your default in this season of life? Okay, so this is for fight, a persecutor consciousness, the bad guy. This is for flight, the rescuer consciousness. Right, the savior. And this one for freeze is the victim consciousness. But none of that is who you are. It's just a consciousness. Okay? And none of that is you emotionally regulated or clear. So who will pop in the chat for me? What's your favorite flavor? And don't forget, I'm doing a giveaway. Send me your worksheets. End of the week, everybody that sent me all 5 worksheets will be put in a drawing. For a complimentary gifted coaching session with me, 90-minute breakthrough intensive, guaranteed breakthrough, pattern interruption and release, emotional healing and relief. It's game-changing. Dancing between fight and flight. So close your eyes and just give fight a rating 1 to 10, 10 being the most, 1 being the least. Pick a favorite. I got everybody already advanced students saying they're all of it. Okay, which— Yes, but which is your favorite? Which are you most comfortable with and comforted by? Okay, Aaron, I got it. Okay, fight, flight. Okay, okay. I'd love for you all to put in the comments whenever you're watching which one you default to. It's really important to know. I'm not saying you like it, but you're most comfortable there, and that's what you default to because the other two you'd rather not, right? Okay. I got a couple of fights, a couple of flights. Okay, so it's just important to own it because that isn't who you are. So go for it in the worksheets today. The replay will be out later tonight with your worksheet. Tomorrow we are going into emotions, the opposite of who you had to be to survive, who you became to survive, who you identify as that is your survival self requires you To finally make friends with your emotions. God forbid! They are not the problem; they are the medicine. How you avoid emotions is the problem all day. Never your emotions. With that, I love you. I'm so grateful you're here. I can't wait to give you more tomorrow, and I'll see you soon.