Ep 10 The Home Field Advantage - Part 2

If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

Parent question. How do I handle a kid whose behavior ranges from telling me to shut up, to slamming a door on her younger sister, to trying to steal money from my wallet? My daughter is the classic defiant child. She hates school, has trouble getting along with friends, and frequently disobeys her teacher. I'm worried about her future. What should I do? Response from Focus on the Family. Without more detailed information on your family situation and your child's background, it's difficult to make definitive recommendations. But we can tell you this much: this kind of defiance and bad behavior doesn't simply come out of nowhere. Our guess is that the scenario you've described Actually represents the culmination of some patterns that have been developing over an extended period of time. Now that you've reached the end of your rope, you're ready to break those patterns and get some serious help. If we were in a position to do so, we'd ask you for a detailed family history. Here are some of the questions we'd ask. Are you married? If so, what is your relationship like with your spouse? Is he or she an active, involved parent? Do the two of you provide your daughter with all the love and time she needs from you? Do you encourage and affirm her at every opportunity? Does she know that you are her biggest cheerleader? How do you handle discipline in your household? Are you harsh and authoritarian, or do you discipline with patience and consistency? Do you know how to use consequences effectively? If your family relationships are healthy, if you're balancing love and limits, and if you're giving your child all the quality and quantity time she needs, then we might begin to suspect that some of the type of developmental or impulse control disorder is responsible for her violent and erratic behavior. It's also possible that her problems might have a physiological cause. Hello everybody, welcome to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard Ramos. In our last episode, I introduced you to this strategy that I call the Home Field Advantage designed to answer the question of parents of small children wanting to prevent their children from acting out, as in the story I just read, and/or eventually joining negative lifestyles. Now let me be clear, I'm not qualified to speak to developmental impulse disorders or physiological causes, but what I can speak to and want to focus on was the following comment they made. They said, this kind of defiance and bad behavior doesn't simply come out of nowhere. Our guess is that the scenario you've described actually represents the culmination of some patterns that have been developing over an extended period of time. And now that you've reached the end of your rope, you're ready to break those patterns and get some serious help. So what I'm hoping to do by teaching this strategy of the home field advantage is to prevent you from getting to the point of reaching the end of your rope. So let's do a quick review of what we've covered in the last episode on the 3 different time frames of the Home Field Advantage strategy. So the first time frame is from infant to 2 years old, and the second is from 2 years old to 5 years old, and the third from 5 to 12 years old. And the idea behind this strategy of these time frames Is that studies on the risk of child delinquent behavior begins from the ages of 12 to 15 years old, generally speaking. So when I learned that, that gave me the clue of the 12-year time frame strategy. If we are concerned about prevention from negative lifestyles, and we understand that we are in a daily competition, a daily battle, For the heart, mind, and loyalty of our children, and are not taking the loyalty of our children for granted, as I have been warning parents not to do, because of the 24/7, 365 bombardment of music, movies, and social media, then we understand that we have a 12-year window to prepare our children for the competition that is coming. As our children get to that risky age of 12 to 15 years old. So the first time frame from infant to 2 years old, I call the role of the gardener or nurturer of the soul, which I already covered in our last episode. Today I'm speaking about the second time frame from 2 years old to 5 years old, and I call that the role of the trainer. This is a crucial time frame in regard to the developing and shaping the character and behavior of small children. That's why neuroscientists call it the developing mind stage. Now, for those of us who have had children, we know what happens when our kids turn 2 years old, typically referred to as the terrible twos. It's definitely a challenging time, and of course, not all 2-year-olds are terrible. But in general, at 2 years old, they are exercising us as parents with their curiosity and newfound ability of walking, running into dangerous places, grabbing onto things they shouldn't grab, touching things they shouldn't touch, and talking in sometimes surprising ways. Especially in their favorite new defiant word, no. And they often want what they want, when they want, where they want it, how they want it. And if they don't get it, sometimes they cry, they scream, or throw tantrums to get their way. And that's why I suggest parents enter the role of what I call The trainer. Now let me explain what I mean by that term. Trainers work in a variety of capacities, but what I'm thinking of is more in the way of a trainer who works you out in a positive way, in a positive environment, like a gym or exercise program that you belong to. So hopefully you get where I'm coming from. And their goal is to get you your desired results to get in better shape. In the case of our children, they don't have a goal to get into better shape, but we do because we have their future best interests at heart. Now, we know that nobody gets into better shape automatically. It takes consistent effort over an extended period of time, and usually having a coach or trainer helps push us out of our comfort zone to get the desired results, which is exactly what we are doing during this time frame of— with the future, the time frame of from 2 to 5, because we have the future of the mind of our children, the heart of our children, and their character and behavior development in this time frame. Now admittedly, this is hard work. And can be physically and psychologically exhausting. I know that. And what I've witnessed in many cases is too many parents, because of that struggle, they give up and they neglect this training role. And I've got to say, that is a big mistake. And consequently, They often end up telling the same kind of story that I read at the beginning of this episode. You see, as parents, we know that for the most part, children must be taught to do the right thing. I mean, have you ever had to teach your kids to do the wrong thing? I don't think so. So in teaching them to do the right thing, what do these right things include? What I'm talking about is having respect for others because we are selfish by nature, having respect for authority because we are rebellious by nature, having respect for boundaries because we're As at that age, 2, 3 years old, we're not afraid because we're ignorant. So we have to be taught about boundaries and to have respect for ourselves, because starting at that early age, we need to start learning our own value as an individual. And just as the gardener has tools to do their job, The trainer has one key tool, which is consistent and loving discipline. Now, I'll talk more about the important topic of discipline in another episode. But let me just finish this episode by describing one last aspect of this trainer role for the developing mind stage. And that is the education of the conscience. That is what we're doing in this trainer role— education of the conscience, which is the root of our soul, spirit, and character. For example, healthy plants have strong roots due to, number one, rich soil. Which I liken to a happy heart. And consistent watering, which I liken to the love and affection we are showing our children. And then the cultivation of the weeds or the bugs that can destroy the plants or the flowers, which I liken to our patient and consistent discipline that That uses consequences effectively. And see, when we build these strong roots, it develops full maturity in the plant, or in this case, I'm talking about children. Full maturity, and full maturity causes the fruit of solid character. Because of the function of our conscience, We all know the difference between right and wrong. The issue is not knowing. The issue is obedience to conscience. Now granted, nobody's perfect or obeys their conscience all the time, but we've all been around people that have no filters, no respect for others, no respect for self, no respect for boundaries. They have no character, no concern or consideration for others. We've seen the difference between selfish and selfless. So obedience to conscience, which is what we're doing during this training period with discipline, is about shaping character, which is the product of healthy and proper discipline. This is why this time frame Of the role of the trainer is so important. So in our next episode, we will talk about the final time frame for the home field advantage, which is from 5 years old to 12 years old. This is new territory and where our competition begins to step onto our child's field of life. I'm Richard Ramos, and you've been listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast. If you are finding values from these episodes, click the subscribe button and leave your review, leave your feedback, and any questions that you might have. And also want to let you know that in addition to this podcast, you can find more resources on my website At richardrramos.com. Don't forget my middle initial, richardrramos.com. Thanks for listening, and remember, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents but for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.

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