Ep 12: Quick Tips for Parents When Adult Children Move Back Home

If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

What do you think of the recent trend of grown children moving back in with their parents? In a non-caretaker circumstance, my elderly neighbor took in her 60-year-old son after his divorce. He's in good health and financially stable. He does nothing to help his mother and won't even talk to her. Do you believe in the tough love approach? Or do you agree with grown kids always being welcome to live with their parents? The above example that's given here with the 60-year-old seems extreme and not the norm, but let's focus on the question about tough love or adult kids being welcome home. Here are some current parent comments to this question. I'm going to pause in between the different comments by different parents responding to this question so you can know this is from different parents, not all one comment. Here's one. 2 of my 20-something-year-old kids have come back to live with us. It's been 5 years now. We have a huge Century home that we are slowly restoring or renovating. We split the bills 4 ways. They help out with household chores. We try very hard to treat them as independent adults, respecting their privacy. Some days it's awesome, some days it sucks, but I wouldn't tolerate someone living with me and not doing their fair share. That leads to resentment on the parent's part. My door is always open. But it's not a free ride. I think it can be a win-win. Housing is ridiculously expensive, and more than that, our everyone lives separately in their own houses is quite a departure from how humans lived for much of our history and still do in many parts of the world. More people living together will solve some of the housing problems. Retired people can provide childcare, and families can support the elderly. This all assumes, of course, that families are functional and that the relationships aren't exploitive, which is not true for many, unfortunately. My home is always open to my children, but I'm not footing the bill. If they want to contribute financially and with cleaning upkeep, then they are welcome to stay as long as they need, but there is no free ride for a capable adult. I think it's really weird that we ever abandoned multi-generational homes. To be honest, For poor, working-class people, it never quit being the norm to, at the very least, let your adult offspring return as needed. Really, it's one small segment of America, for one small amount of time on a historic scale, that decided kids should have to leave home at 18 and never return. I've always viewed it as the aberration it is. I don't have a problem with it at all, and in many cases it makes a lot of sense. The relationship has to be good. There have to be ground rules the grown children— that the grown children are willing to respect. I have one adult child living with us while in grad school, and we all get along just fine. I'm glad she's saving money and not going into debt by having to support herself while in school. I would not tolerate an adult child who wasn't either working, actively trying to find a job, or in school to better themselves. I also wouldn't tolerate one who didn't follow the ground rules and who wasn't polite and kind. I'm not going to support a grown adult who is just lazy or rude. You have intertwined 2 separate issues: family members living together for one, and freeloading for 2. Now, freeloading is bad, but more family members Living together is good under healthy conditions. It is my belief that in America, we too readily shame multi-generational family members who choose to live together. We can learn a lot from other cultures where multiple generations live together under healthy conditions. My kids are always welcome, but they are not kids anymore and have to participate in the chores, housekeep, or house upkeep and expenses. We treat it just like a rooming house, and we are the landlords. They get their adult privacy, and we get some help with the house. I see nothing wrong with it unless you have controlling parents who can't let go of that role. I have told both of my grown kids if they have needed, my house is a soft landing for them. They have each moved in and lived here for a bit when they had big life changes like post-grad school, a major breakup, a job shift, etc. When they're here, they contribute to the household, and I try not to meddle. Each time it's been understood that it's temporary. I've tried to be the mother I wished I'd had. No chance But I have willingly moved back in with mine. I had to move back in with my parents 3 times as an adult, either because of a devastating breakup, a health crisis, or a financial blow. I was incredibly glad that my parents never turned me away and that their commitment to being a supportive Family continues. Hello everyone, and welcome to the Parent Whisper Podcast. I'm Richard Ramos, your host. So needless to say, grown kids, whether college students or college graduates, or the loss of a job, a breakup or divorce, or other issues. Moving back to live with their parents is a growing trend, and it's something I've experienced myself with some of my adult children over the years. And maybe some of you listening have or are currently experiencing this situation, and so I thought I would just try to offer some insight and some quick tips. Now, in my current situation, one of our children experienced a breakup and moved back in, back in with us, and they are not able currently to afford to live on their own. However, one of the benefits besides just enjoying their company as usual, if all has had a good relationship, is being able to be a big part of our granddaughter's life. Who is now 6 years old, and that has truly been a joy. But nevertheless, I realize everybody has a different set of circumstances, so I wanted to just offer some, as I said, some quick tips for families when adult children move back home for whatever reason it might be. Because when an adult child moves back home, it does invite a new set of family dynamics. Parents and young adults, or maybe older adults alike, need to approach this situation with emotional maturity, mutual respect, and a clear game plan if it's going to work out. So here are just 7 quick tips that I suggest to help both sides navigate this season well, whether it's going to be a long-term or short-term season. And to be clear, I'm mostly thinking of younger adult children, not the 60-year-old that moved back in with his mom that we read— I read to you at the beginning. Of this episode. But in general, these principles can apply to just about any situation where this is happening. So, number one, I suggest that parents, you shift from being the authority to being an ally. Because you're no longer parenting a teenager, you're relating to an emerging or a full Grown adult. And so now we can move from manager to mentor and offer guidance and insight and wisdom, not control. Secondly, I suggest that you maintain your home as a launch pad Not a landing strip for them so that they don't get too comfortable, unless them staying for the long term is something all parties agree to as a healthy family culture situation. Number 3, now speaking to the adult child or Or the college graduate or college student, you need to come home with humility. You might have a degree, or maybe you're working towards a degree, but the fact is you're still under your parents' roof. So show appreciation, contribute to the household, and asking before assuming you can simply take. Shows your growth as a young adult. Honor the space that they've made for you. Number 4, set clear expectations early. This is really important to do. Sometimes we wait too long to have this conversation, or the conversations happen because all kinds of things unexpected, or we assumed would not happen, start happening, and now we have to have this Conversation, but it's better to do it early, to sit down either before or right after the move-in and talk about the rent, the chores that are expected, if there's going to be any kind of curfews. There may not be, as I said, you're going to treat them more as a mentor than a— than an authority figure. But you might have that. For example, if an older adult moves in and they feel like they can just come home at 2 or 3 in the morning or something like that and be a little noisy or whatever, that kind of thing. We'd have to talk about and not— and make sure that's not going to be okay in our home. Stuff like that. And just basically talk about having mutual respect and what that looks like. If you got to write it down, you may not need to, but if you need to, you do that. Here's the whole thing about it though: clarity prevents conflict, and that's what we're trying to avoid. Number 5: Respect privacy and autonomy. So as parents, we're not gonna, you know, just go into their room, you know, because we feel like it's okay, or we wanna check this out, or do whatever. We're not gonna do that. These are not in high school. They're either in college or graduated, or they're adults. They've been living on their own, and for whatever reason, they came back home. So, and as far as the older grad students, college students, or adults, it doesn't hurt for you to communicate when you're gonna go and when you're coming, and just, you know, have some sense of accountability. Because it's about showing respect. You're not asking for permission. Number 6, this goes for both parties. Maintain your own growth plan. As far as parents, this is our chance to model adult self-leadership and to continue pursuing our own goals, whatever those might be, and not getting off track because now we have another one of our adult children living in our home. And as far as the adult child goes, treat your time at home like a stepping stone. You have an opportunity maybe to save money or get a different job or whatever it might be. So create that structure, keep job hunting, keep learning, and don't allow yourself to settle into complacency. And finally, number 7, make room for new boundaries. And both sides in this need to recognize the relationship has changed. Yes, you're still family, but now you're more like peers in some ways. So boundaries can serve as bridges to mutual respect. And that would also be part of that early conversation. So I hope these have been helpful to you if you've been living in this situation, or maybe you might end up living in this situation. I just wanted to provide these suggestions to you that might help you navigate that scenario. You've been listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard Ramos. And remember that if you find value to these episodes, subscribe to the podcast and then share them with family and friend parents. Now, in addition to my podcast, you can head over to my website, richardrramos.com. Don't forget my middle initial, richardrramos.com. And there you will find more resources. I appreciate you listening. And remember, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It's for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.

So that's it for today's episode of the Parent Whisperer podcast. Head on over to Spotify, Apple, wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week that posts a review on Apple Podcasts will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a $10,000 private VIP day with Richard himself. Be sure to head on over to parentwhispererpodcast.com and pick up a free copy of Richard's gift and join us on the next episode.