Ep 15: Parenting in the digital age

If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

Parents Magazine. Is the screen time debate overlooking the struggles of working-class families? Let's face it, there's a ton of judgment out there around screen time, kids, and parenting. Many people will see a kid glued to a screen and automatically assume their parents are lazy, negligent, or don't know how to discipline their kids. There's a lot wrong with these types of judgments. But one major issue is that screen time scenarios are often looked at completely out of context. When you see a kid with their face glued to a screen, you don't know what else they did that day, what they are doing on that screen, or anything else about their life or their families. Another aspect of the conversation that isn't often acknowledged is the socioeconomic class of the child's family. Conversations around screen time tend to center around middle or to upper-class norms, values, and realities. Much of the mainstream conversation around kids and screens assumes an ideal— 2 engaged parents, flexible schedules, and plenty of disposable income for extracurriculars and babysitters, says Richard Ramos, parenting expert and founder of Parents on a Mission. But for many working-class and lower-class income families, this simply isn't reality. Hey everybody, welcome to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm the aforementioned Richard Ramos, your host. You know, let me say something before I get into this article I just read, or part of it what I read. Let me begin today by saying those of you who are listening to my podcast, I just want you to know how much I really appreciate it. And I hope you are finding real value, value so much so that you are inviting others to join you in subscribing. Because I do believe that you are the key, you are the foundation and the solution to so many of today's problems our young people seem to be having in this digital age, screen time, which seems to be at the forefront of a lot of those problems. Now, the article I read to you, or I just read part of it, it was published today in Parents magazine. You can go to Parents, I think it's parents.com online, and you can find it there if you want to read the whole thing. But I'm going to talk a little bit about it because I was asked to be a part of that, to speak to this issue about kids and their screen time and parenting, things like that. So there's a couple of things we can discuss on this issue. So first of all, there was a study that showed 55% of parents use screen time as a bargaining chip with kids. Is this effective? Here's a quote. It starts off small. Maybe you promise an extra 15 minutes of tablet time if your kid finishes their veggies, or you hold the TV remote hostage until all the toys are picked up. Before long, screen time becomes the ultimate currency in parenting. Sound familiar? You're not alone. A recent report by Bright Horizons found that 55% of parents use technology as a bargaining chip to get their children to do things like chores or homework. 58% of parents use technology as a parenting tool to keep their children quiet while shopping or in a restaurant. As screens become more intertwined with daily life— become more intertwined? I mean, it's already here. As screens become more intertwined with daily life, it's worth asking, is this strategy helping us, or could it be creating more problems than it solves? Unquote. So what do you think? Does this help a child's emotional growth when we use their screen time as a tool to bargain with them, to discipline them, to have them be quiet, etc., as this article says? Or does using screen time develop their internal coping mechanisms? In other words, does it have to be that? Can you— can we offer them something else? as a reward, as a form of discipline, to give them internal strength to deal with their, you know, not wanting to do homework and not wanting to do chores. But well, if you do it, you know what, you're going to feel really good about yourself. Or, you know, what about that kind of thing? So that's what they're talking about. Here's some quotes by a couple of psychologists that were part of that article. Jilly Kahn— I hope I'm pronouncing the name right— A psychologist based in Atlanta warns that when parents use screen time as a literal bargaining chip, wherein it becomes part of a punishment or a bribe, that's when the parent-child relationship can be affected negatively. For example, if a child refuses to comply with a parent's command and the parent says, fine, If you clean your room, you'll get another hour of video time. That would be an ineffective way to implement electronics as a tool, she says. She explains how this approach is reactive and may send the message that as long as a task is complete, even if it's delayed or first met with complaints, a reward will still come. Being reactive rather than proactive in reward and punishment can also lead to a power struggle within the parent-child relationship. Pretty good insight there. Another psychologist, Dr. Hafeez— again, I hope I'm pronouncing that right— agrees, adding that the dynamic can shift from meaningful connection to power-based control. when parents use screen time to manage behavior. She says children may begin to see their parents primarily as gatekeepers of fun activities instead of emotionally supportive figures. She warns the use of digital solutions undermines the development of effective communication and trust, and as time goes on, children increasingly use screens as their comfort source instead of seeking support from their parents. So what do you think? What do you think about all that? And do you use screen time as a reward or discipline? And is this a good strategy for the parent-child relationship? Something good to think about. Now, secondly, back to the article that I was quoted in. See, this is another side of this issue or debate around the use of screen time because a lot of parents are unfairly judged on this issue sometimes. Now, this article that I was part of, that I was asked to participate in, speaks to the economic status of parents and that some parents don't have the means put their children in a summer program, like an all-day camp or daycare program or something like that. Like, for example, Girls, Inc. we have out here in Santa Barbara. Things like that where the parents work all day, so they have to have their kids— they can't have them at home because they're too young. So back to the article, quote, a 2019 survey from Common Sense Media found that kids from households earning less than $35,000 K annually spent almost 2 hours more per day on screens than thousands— I'm sorry, than households earning more than $100,000 annually. Similarly, another study found a correlation between lower income status and increased use of nearly all types of screen time except video chatting. There are many reasons behind these findings, but a major one is that families with more money simply have more child care options and can provide more structured screen-free activities. So here was the comment I, I made to that in this article. Parents working double shifts, evenings, or gig jobs don't always have the option of Well, just hire a sitter or send them to camp. The fact is affordable childcare is hard to come by and extended family support isn't always available. So screens become, for many of us, a necessary stand-in to keep children occupied and safe while we provide for them. So a lot to think about there for you. But wherever you find yourself on this issue, it definitely has been a culture game changer for parents and something we should not ignore or pass off as nothing to worry about. So here's a comment by another parent expert. Dr. Heitner recommends reframing the idea of healthy screen time from how many hours per day to what kind of apps, experiences, and connections are useful and developmentally appropriate, and what support systems exist. He says our goal should be to ensure children have access to technology that supports their learning, connection with friends, and fun, while also preventing excessive use that disrupts sleep, Or physical activity. Listen, here's what he suggests. We need to help families find this balance in a supportive way, acknowledging the challenges all parents face, whether in two-parent or single-parent households, whether you are working a lot or a little, or have access to paid childcare versus relying on family members. So that's a lot of information I'm reading to you, but I just wanted to share the different points of view. The first article was talking about whether it was a good thing to use in discipline and reward for kids doing what you want them to do. This article is more about the economic status of parents, and sometimes the social media can be a good tool if it's used correctly. So I'm going to end with a doctor named Richard Collada, and he commented in this same article that I was part of, and he gives some excellent recommendations that I want to share with you. He says, if children are going to participate in digital activities, there must be a good digital norms established. What a child is doing with technology is far more important than how long they are using it for. Now that's a good point. So here are the tips that Dr. Kulada suggests to build a healthy digital culture in your home. Number 1, set up parental controls on devices to trigger a conversation before new apps are installed. Second, turn off autoplay on all video apps. This gives kids control over what they watch rather than leaving it up to the algorithm. Number 3, disable non-essential app alerts so kids aren't constantly nudged towards one app Or another. 4, talk to kids about value and help them identify which digital activities are enriching. For example, talk about choosing educational apps and videos and help your child find ones that align with their interests. And finally, join them. Join them during screen time and turn digital time into shared experiences by watching or playing together. So with that wisdom and advice, I'm going to sign off here. You've been listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast, and I hope this brought some insight to you, some helpful hints, and some value. Please don't forget to subscribe and share these episodes with other parents that you might want to encourage And if you want more parenting resources, you can always visit my website, richardrramos.com. And I also have a special announcement to make. I've been a stepparent my whole parenting life, and I've— we— I have a blended family. And so I wrote a new book that's coming out in this month called The Art of Stepparenting: How to Blend Families Without Tearing Them Apart. So stay tuned for that. I'll let you know when it's available to buy on Amazon or on my website. But I wrote that book because in my experience of all the years that I've been doing this, Parents on a Mission, I've talked to and worked with so many single parents and stepparents and blended families. So I know firsthand that comes with many challenges, and that is what my new book is about. So stay tuned, more to come. And remember, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It's for good parents like you who want to get better. See you next time.

So that's it for today's episode of the Parent Whisperer podcast. Head on over to Spotify, Apple, wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week that posts a review on Apple Podcasts will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a $10,000 private VIP day with Richard himself. Be sure to head on over to parentwhispererpodcast.com and pick up a free copy of Richard's gift and join us on the next episode.