In this episode of the Parent Whisperer podcast, host Richard R. Ramos expands on the "No Voice, No Choice" chapter from his book The Art of Stepparenting. He explains how children in step‑family situations are forced to repeatedly adjust to new partners, homes, and rules, often wrestling with loyalty to biological parents and newly formed step‑parents. Ramos outlines common‑sense guidance—timing introductions, validating children’s feelings, setting clear boundaries, planning quality time, moving slowly, and limiting overnight stays. He stresses that the success of these conversations hinges on the parent’s emotional maturity and the willingness to truly listen to children’s voices rather than silencing them. Ramos discusses why many parents struggle with open communication, citing discomfort, lack of capacity, and cultural expectations. He then introduces the skill of reconciliation—apologizing, seeking forgiveness, and actively rebuilding trust after arguments or resentment. Throughout, he shares personal anecdotes from his own blended family of five children and concludes with an encouraging story of a young man who grew up in a broken home, highlighting the power of chosen family, forgiveness, and the possibility of positive outcomes. The episode ends with standard podcast calls to action, directing listeners to the book, the website, and a giveaway.
If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.
Another very common scenario. It's a single mother who is no longer in a relationship with the boyfriend who is the biological father of her child or children. This could also be true of a single father. Eventually she meets someone and the newly formed couple moves in with each other, forming a stepfamily situation whether the kids like it, want it, approve of it, or not. And unfortunately, this can happen more than once Forcing the kids to adjust multiple times to a new stepfamily dynamic. Hello everybody, and welcome to the Parent Whisperer Podcast. I'm Richard Ramos. So in our last podcast, I talked about my new book, The Art of Stepparenting: How to Blend Families Without Tearing Them Apart. And I read to you from the chapter No Voice, No Choice. So I thought I would give you a little bit more today from that chapter that I just read to you, another part of the chapter. And this is talking about how this can happen multiple times, this rearrangement of families, of breakups, whether it's a boyfriend and girlfriend, whether it's a husband and a wife. Whatever the situation might be, my point is that the kids are the ones that are going to have to adjust whether they like it or not, want to or not, to a brand new relationship, brand new rules, maybe a new house, maybe even a new city, different stepparent grandparents, etc., etc., etc. And imagine when that happens. 2 or 3 times or more. When kids are constantly having to adjust, and there's that whole loyalty factor— loyalty to their biological parent, and then depending on how many years they were in the relationship with their stepdad or stepmother. And so they start to build, you know, a sense of love and loyalty and relationship there, especially if they're very young when this starts and they've grown Several years, and then now there's a breakup. But a year later or two years later, now there's another relationship, another woman, another man, etc. You you get what I'm talking about. And so, you know, I did a lot of researches saying, okay, well, what do you do? What are the quote unquote experts advising us to do? And really, what it comes down to, there are no definitive answers. To these questions. So let me pick up and read a little bit more from this chapter, No Voice, No Choice. Every family, including the many different child personalities and maturity levels, are different and therefore will react differently no matter what method, formula, or advice you follow. However, there is ample general guidance given from different studies regarding these issues. But in my view, much of it simply comes down to common sense. But as the old saying goes, common sense is not always common practice. And therefore, it's wise for parents to heed the common principles suggested by a variety of resources that include Timing of when to introduce your new partner to your children. Validating whatever feelings your children have about this new person. Setting boundaries and clear expectations about how much time your partner will spend with your children. Plan quality time with your children to assure them of their priority to you even if you are beginning a new relationship. Slow is better than quick change in this new relationship. And last, limit overnights, if at all, with your new partner. So to me, you know, and the— those are all good suggestions. But the key really comes down to the thing that I, as you know, keep talking about. It comes down when you're going to have these kind of crucial, difficult conversations. It comes down to our emotional maturity level, not of the kids, our emotional maturity, and how important it is that we listen to the voice of our children regardless of how they feel. Because the truth is, we're not talking with them necessarily to make the choice for us, but we are talking with them to hear their voice and allow them to express whatever they want— whether they like it, they don't like it, or they don't agree with it, and on and on and on. So when you have this kind of conversation, the purpose Is not to convince them to accept the new relationship. It's just not that simple. And we're not necessarily informing them, this is what's going to happen, like it or not. But our purpose in sitting down with them is to show our empathy and our love and respect for how they feel. Agree or disagree, anger or no anger. And how they feel about a woman who's not their mother or a man who's not their father. But the mistake many parents make is children get vulnerable because we're asking them, you know, tell me how you feel and all that. But then when they voice their dissent, we challenge them, or we start arguing. Arguing with them, and what we need to understand is this: a voice not heard is a voice silenced. And you know, we've been very fortunate. You know, because gradually, because we went through so many of these challenges and so many of the anger and so much arguing and just a lot of things. And gradually, you know, kids can accept that they had no choice, that this was going to happen. They could see that. But the thing about it is, what they resent is that their voice in the matter was not being heard. Or understood. Let me go on and read a little bit more. All the studies I reviewed encourage this type of open and honest communication with the children, but again, that assumes the parent has the emotional capacity to correctly broach this sensitive subject in the ways suggested. That's why children are often given no voice. These suggested methods of speaking with children about the new partner require a family culture that may have never existed. This open communication is foreign, a foreign concept to many parents. And that type of parent accountability is awkward. It's uncomfortable. It's inconvenient. And the truth is, a lot of us at the time, you know, we don't possess the needed capacity, let alone the desire, and therefore we don't discuss our new relationship with our children. And if we do, but if we don't approach it with a high degree of emotional maturity, the conversation can quickly escalate into a heated and ugly argument. I'm sure you'll be listening to me, those of you hearing me, you've been there. I've been there, and that's what happened. And that just amounts to 3 or 4 or more steps backward in building a stepparent blended family relationship. So to say the best practices or formula for blending families is complicated is An understatement. So I've been through all these scenarios, you know. Again, I have 3 daughters, 2 sons. The boys are older. The boys were a little more— well, my oldest son was a little more understanding. My other 4 children, in the beginning, they just weren't having it. And it was a very difficult circumstance that we came together under, which I talk about in a different chapter in the book. And so it was all warranted, it was all justified, it was all understandable. But even knowing all of that doesn't make it any easier. So what can we do is I think it's very just important to just be honest, be vulnerable, be transparent. And that's why when I talk about Reconciliation and the skill of reconciliation and knowing how to reconcile relationships when there's been a falling out, anger, resentment, arguing, slamming doors, leaving, walking out, all those things. Because eventually, what are we going to do? Especially if the kids are teenagers and they have to go to school, and maybe they're working or maybe they're not, you You know, maybe they're just too young for that. Maybe they're 12 or 13, so they can't work. They got to go to school by law. You know, all of those different things. Or they're older, and so now, you know, they want to leave. They want to go live with their dad, or they live with their mom, and they start making those kinds of threats. And, you know, all of those dynamics are happening. But no matter what happens, if they do leave, if they go live with the other, you know, parent, or they just take off for an hour or 2 or even a day and go over to their friend's house or wherever they end up. The bottom line is, what are we gonna do about it? Now, the easy thing to do, which is what a lot of stepparents do— well, that's not my kid, you know, not my problem, that's your problem, you know, you got to do— that's your daughter, you deal with it, you're— that's your son, you deal with it. And that's like Such a cop-out. That is so weak and so immature, and obviously it does nothing to blend that family and reconcile. A lot of times what ends up happening is nothing is said, no explanations, and most importantly, there's no apology and no asking for forgiveness. There's no initiating The reconciliation, whether that might be a text, a phone call, a letter, or even a one-on-one conversation. And it's just swept under the rug. The resentment is there, it builds, it gets suppressed, which turns into depression or anger and resentment that comes out in other ways towards other people, other friends, other siblings, step-siblings. On and on and on and on. And so that skill of knowing how to reconcile is going to be key in any and all of these types of situations that I'm talking about, where kids just felt railroaded, no choice, no voice, just had to accept it the way it is. And then when they try to voice their opinion and say what they want to say, we shut them down. That unfortunately happens more than is healthy for any blended family. And like I said, I've been through that, and it's sad, it's hard, a lot of tears, a lot of anxiety, a lot of stress. But here's The point, we're still together. And as you read, if you did read the opening, the introduction, and throughout the book, we're doing great. That doesn't mean everything's perfect because we still have some, you know, issues once in a while. But the kids themselves, they get along. And my kids love my wife, their stepmother. They do. And I hope and think that her kids love me too. At least they express it to me all the time, and Christmas, and you know, and Father's Day, and parties, and things like that. So again, you know, that's the hope, because everything I'm telling you, that's just personal. I've been there, and I want to give you hope. I want to give you encouragement. I want you to know that it can work out. And like I said in the last episode, so much of it has to do with being in love with your spouse. So all that said, I want to end with a great story, encouraging story from this one young man whose story I found, and he expresses his experience, and I want to read it to you in ending of this episode. The title of his article was, I Grew Up in a Broken Home, But It Shaped Me, and I'm Blessed for It. This young man has an uncommon and insightful perspective on growing up in a broken family. He shares that his parents never got along. When friends asked if he wished his parents were still together, his answer was an easy no. Based on his experience, he couldn't imagine how they had married in the first place. For him, the hardest part wasn't that his parents were no longer together, but rather the realization that their focus was more on getting back at each other than on meeting his needs. Things like his school schedule, lunch money, clean clothes, and extracurricular activities often took a back seat. Despite these challenges, he considers himself fortunate to have experienced a broken home. While others pitied him because his father remarried twice after divorcing his mother, he saw it differently. To him, it meant he had gained 5 more adults to support him, including his mother's boyfriend, who had been a steady presence in his life since he was 5 years old. He also felt blessed because he was no longer an only child. Divorce had given him 6 new siblings. What was once a battle over attending 2 family Christmases became a juggling act between 4. Yet, instead of feeling torn, he felt loved and supported. Growing up in a blended family taught him that all families have struggles, but those struggles Can be overcome through forgiveness. I want to read that one more time. Those struggles can be overcome through forgiveness. He also learned that blood isn't always thicker than water. Sometimes the chosen family can be just as strong. He admitted he wasn't sure who he would have become If not for his broken home. That said, his story is the exception rather than the rule for children of divorce and blended families, but even so, it offers hope. I'm Richard Ramos, and you have been listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast. Please subscribe, leave a review, and share these episodes with any friends and family that you have or that you know who are divorced, single parents, building a blended family, stepparents, simply to encourage them. And if you want a copy of the book, you can simply go to my website, richardr ramos.com, or you can go to Amazon and find it there. And I hope that as you read it, you will sense the encouragement, the instruction, the insights to help you build and blend your family. So until next time, remember Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents, not for bad stepparents. It's for good parents and good stepparents who want to get better. See you next time.
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