Ep 2: The One Thing Your Child Craves Most

If you're a parent looking for practical, sound, solid advice in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

Let me ask you something, Mom and her dad. When was the last time your child looked you in the eyes— I mean really looked— and you knew in that moment they felt completely safe, seen, and understood? Not because you bought them something, not because you gave them advice, but because you gave them something even more powerful. It's something that touches the very core of their emotional world. And when you learn how to give it, it has the power to change your relationship overnight. And that's what we're going to talk about today. Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Parent Whisperer Podcast. I'm Richard Ramos, your host. And today I want to cut through the conventional conversation and parenting books, TikToks, and endless social media noise And bring you back to one simple, essential truth. Whether your kids are 5 or 15, I'm suggesting that this one thing is what they crave from you more than anything else. It's not more toys. It's not more time. And no, it's not even more money. So what is this one thing?

It's focused Tuned-in attention.

Undistracted, face-to-face, eye-to-eye, focused attention. Not attention when you're talking on your phone. Not attention looking at and scrolling on your phone. Not attention texting on your phone. It's focused, tuned-in attention. And that is your child's Deepest craving. To know that when they approach you, you see them. Not visibly see them, but you see them. You hear them. Not just listening to them. You hear them and you are fully with them. You're connected. And here's the thing. Most of us miss this. Not because we're bad parents, not because we don't care, not because we don't have time, but because we get busy, we're distracted, we're tired, and we're imperfect. We've all been there. I know I have. These aren't excuses. It's just the reality of being a parent in a fast-paced world. So today we're going to talk about what is focused, tuned-in attention, and why is it so powerful. And then finally, how you can start practicing it right now, this week, without adding a single thing to that long to-do list that you might have. So first, let's think about why is focused Why is attention so important? Well, for one thing, children are wired this way. They need moments of our attention that is genuinely warm, where we show curiosity in their things or what they're doing, and that we're engaged. And what this does for them on an emotional level, it builds trust. And it shapes their self-worth. It tells them that they matter. And they have that sense of, I matter to my mom. I matter to my dad. I matter in their world. And it also gives them psychological safety. Psychological safety that even when they've made mistakes, Even when they failed to do something or achieve something, or maybe they're upset about something, they're not afraid to come to you because you're giving them with this focused attention psychological safety. Now, what happens when we don't do this? Well, here's a couple of things. One is that they they'll start acting out. And sometimes they start acting out in negative ways so that they're demanding now. They're demanding our attention by this negative behavior. Or the other thing is they withdraw, and they internalize this message that I don't matter to my mom. I don't matter to my dad. I don't matter to my parents. And then they start. Closing themselves off in their room and all kinds of things start to happen that we don't want. So let me take just a couple of moments here to just remind you. I always feel like I'm just reminding you about what you already know, but reminding you, you know, how is this done? How is this— what does it look like, this focused, tuned-in attention that I'm talking about? Well, number one, the next time you have an opportunity for this and your kids start to talk to you and you're on the phone, put your phone down. Put it down or get off the phone and give them your focused attention. Another thing is empathy. Hear them. Hear their feelings without judgment. A third part of this is physical touch. As they're talking to us, maybe we, you know, you put your hand on their shoulder, or you, you give them a hug, or some kind of physical touch to reassure them that you are hearing them. You're with them. You see them. You feel them. Another thing is give up your space for their world, even when it's inconvenient for you. Maybe you're, you know, in a hurry to go somewhere, or you're already— you're distracted by doing something else. But here they come, and they're looking for your focused attention. That's a time— give up your space and make room for their world. And finally, slow down, mom and dad. Slow down. It's not really about doing more for our kids sometimes, but it is always about being more present. Now, you might be hearing that and say, well, Richard, this is just common sense.

Yes.

It is. But let me say something that I learned a long time ago from one of my mentors. Common sense is not common practice. I read a story about an executive. This executive was new to the company. And he was being corrected by his boss because of the way he was treating other people in the company. You know, he had that typical, I'm the boss, I'm smarter, I'm in charge, you know, that kind of entitlement attitude. And consequently, he was treating his employees like objects instead of like people that deserve respect. One day, he ripped into a woman staff member because she had used a room she wasn't supposed to use. This was a place that he had designated for himself outside of his regular office space. And he would use it to go in there and just kind of think and, and take a break or make notes. And he would write his notes and thoughts on, on the whiteboard. But not only did she use the room without asking, she also erased all his notes on the whiteboard. He was livid, or as we say in the streets, he was pissed. So he marched over to her office. He refused to shake her hand as she was trying to greet him, and he just tore into her for using this space without permission and erasing his notes. He told her that if she ever did something like this again, she would be looking For another job. But his boss heard about it, and he called a meeting with him to correct him for the way he was treating her. He said, Yeah, I get where you're coming from. I understand, and I agree she shouldn't have used the room without your permission. She shouldn't have erased all your notes. I know. I agree. But let me ask you a question. What's her name? Now, that question stunned him. And he thought to himself, what's her name? And then he said out loud, what does that matter what's her name? Look what she did. And his boss said, it matters a lot. She's a person and you're treating her like an object. And we don't treat staff like that around here. There are people that deserve respect, and she works for you. Do you think that after the way you treated her, she will be motivated to be productive? See, what he was doing there, he was emphasizing that this new executive was violating the culture of the company, and he was making her feel like she didn't matter. He didn't even know her name. So the point I'm making here, I'm using this story to make us understand that we don't want as parents to send the message to our kids that they don't matter. But when we aren't giving them focused attention, that's the message. We're sending. We don't want them to feel like they're just objects in our home. We want them to know that they matter. We want our kids to understand that regardless of the situation, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of how busy we are and the pressures we might be facing, we see you. We hear you. We feel you and we know you. You matter. Now, I don't know if some of you who listen are listening to this podcast whether you're old enough to remember or if you even follow politics, but another example of this— I remember when President George H.W. Bush, the father of George W. Bush, he was in a presidential debate back in the '90s with Ross Perot. an independent candidate. And during the debate, he, President Bush, looked at his watch. That was a huge mistake. After that debate, his poll numbers went way down. He lost the election, and a lot of people felt like that was the reason.

Why?

Because that one move during a presidential debate when millions of American people are watching When he looked at his watch, that communicated that I'm not interested. What time is it? When's this going to be over? In other words, he wasn't engaged. He wasn't focused on the attention of the American people's vote. So what I'm saying simply, Mom and Dad, your focused, tuned-in attention might seem like a small thing, but But I'm telling you, it's huge and can make all the difference in your relationships with your kids. So, here's my challenge for this week. I want to challenge you to just give your child or children, whoever may come to you, 5 minutes of pure, undistracted, Focused, tuned-in attention. This is not a time to give advice. No correction. No trying to fix problems. Just listening and reflecting and being fully engaged with them. And then watch what happens. See if their productivity and behavior Doesn't improve. And whatever happens, I would love to hear from you. Send me an email. Let me know how it goes. I want to hear your stories. You're listening to the Parent Whisperer Podcast. I'm Richard Ramos, and thank you so much for your time. And remember this: Parents on a Mission isn't for bad parents. It's for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.

So that's it for today's episode of the Parent Whisperer podcast. Head on over to Spotify, Apple, wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week that posts a review on Apple Podcasts will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a $10,000 $1,000 private VIP day with Richard himself. Be sure to head on over to parentwhispererpodcast.com and pick up a free copy of Richard's gift and join us on the next episode.