Ep 21: The Art of Stepparenting

If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

I recall another incident around the same. time when my dad still lived with us. I was sitting on the floor playing with my toys. My back was against a door that had little square glass windows at the front of the door design. At this point, I was intimidated and scared of my dad, so when he was talking to me and trying to get my attention, I ignored him. I don't remember what he said or why he was trying to engage with me. Maybe he was scolding me. Maybe he was telling me to do something. Or maybe he was just trying to have a simple conversation with me. But I just kept ignoring him. The next thing I know, I feel his hand on my forehead, and then bam! Crash! And the sound of shattered glass as he shoved my head through one of the glass windows. The only thing I remember after that was my dad and mom picking little pieces of glass out of my head, and my mom crying. For me, these and other different bouts of violence filled my heart with anger and resentment towards my father. But here's the thing, we never talked about it. At least nothing was ever said to me. No explanation, no apology, no counseling, zero, nada. It just was. This is the point I'm making about biological and stepparents alike who had the unfortunate experience of some type of abuse and/or witnessed domestic violence and have never dealt with their childhood trauma. Now They have kids and/or stepkids in blended families, and that oftentimes becomes a potential repeat of child abuse and domestic violence. In her book, Breaking Down the Walls of Silence: The Liberating Experience of Facing Painful Truth, world-renowned psychotherapist Alice Miller asks the question, how can a woman be a mother to her children Until she has mothered the neglected, abused, mistreated child she herself had been. This is one of the root causes of community crime and violence, but overlooked and explained or excused away. This combination of abused children who become parents and stepparents and have not had the opportunity or sought the opportunity to heal themselves of their past unresolved wounds creates the potential for an ongoing vicious generational cycle of victimizing children, some of whom become a menace to society. Hello everybody and welcome to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard Ramos, your host. The story I read to you is one of my personal stories I share in my new book, The Art of Stepparenting. There are a number of different dynamics about being a stepparent and blending families that I felt needed to be addressed. Now, I'm not saying other books on this subject do not or have not spoken to these issues. But because this is a difficult and hard role to fulfill, being a stepparent, and because of my personal experience, plus my experience with stepparents and blended families in my program Parents on a Mission, I wanted to add my voice to the mix. And that's why I wrote The Art of stepparenting, how to blend families without tearing them apart. It's not a lecture and it's not a fairy tale. It's part research, part real-life stories like the one I read, and part practical guide born out of years that I've had working with families, mentoring parents, and living through the stepparenting journey myself for over 40 years. In the book, you will read my story, like the one I read, and the stories of other stepparents, stepchildren, and blended families. You see, one of the concerns I have, and don't feel that it is discussed enough, is the unfortunate frequent abuses That take place, and the kids that suffer through these things, and how that sometimes leads that child, or the child victims of domestic violence, it sometimes leads them to live a life that is not fulfilling. And then they become parents, and the cycle of violence, domestic violence, just repeats itself. Over and over, whether they are parents or stepparents in a blended family. So if you are a stepparent out there, I had you in mind when I wrote my book, and I hope that you will consider getting a copy. And if you're willing to do that, you can get a copy of my book Read it for yourself. Go through the stories and the different things I talk about. You can get a copy if you go to my website, richardrramos.com. Richard, middle initial R, ramos.com. Or you can get it on Amazon. Just type in the title of the book or type in my full name, Richard R. Ramos, and all my books will come up. On Amazon. So I wanted to in this episode, I just wanted to share a little bit about what's in the book, what you're going to get, what you're going to take away from the book, just to be a resource for you. Those of you out there who are step parenting, maybe you're new at it, maybe you're old at it, but you know the difficult times there can be, the dynamics. It just depends on the different. Way your family came together, the way as a stepparent or blended family, you know, there's just different things. And I talk about in the book different ways you come together that cause different dynamics that you have to deal with that biological parents don't have to deal with. So let me give you 5 of the major takeaways you'll get from the book. Number 1 is the power of belonging. Because a lot of times you feel like you don't belong. You might feel on the outside looking in, or your children might feel on the outside looking in if you're blending families, or your stepchild might feel on the outside looking in. So the power of belonging and how to create an environment where everybody feels seen, feels valued, And secure. Number 2, patience over pressure. What I mean by that is, you know, why trust takes time. You know, if you're new in the life of children, it just takes time to build trust, especially if they've gone through a divorce. You know, their parents have gone through a divorce, or there's been a bad breakup, and then now here's a new person in their life. It takes time. And We learn, or I talk about, how to pace your relationship building so hopefully it doesn't backfire. Third, you're going to learn about respecting emotional boundaries and understanding that stepchildren's hearts have walls for a reason, and how you can earn the right to be invited in. Fourth, teamwork with your partner. How to align with your spouse, and sometimes this is one of the major causes of breakups. We just can't get on the same page about money, about who we're going to spend Christmas with, but also about our kids and how we are going to discipline them, how we're going to raise them, how we're going to require this and that, how we're going to be fair with our stepkids as we are with our biological kids. All those kinds of— it just takes teamwork so that the kids experience stability and unity and not divided loyalties. And number 5, breaking the fixer mindset. And in other words, you know, my role isn't to repair the past. Necessarily. Maybe over time that'll happen, but it's really about— my role is really about building a healthy present and future rather than trying to fix the past of whatever happened. That can be very important, but that's going to take more time. And I'm saying, let's focus on right now and where we're going. And then over time, You know, those other things will begin to mend, but it takes time. At least I can take time with my family. So listen, have you ever felt like you're giving your best and still not connecting? I've been there. Or if you've wondered whether you're making things better or worse, if you just want to know how to blend your family without tearing it apart, This book was written for you. So I want to encourage you to grab a copy of The Art of Step Parenting. Read it with your spouse. Share it with a friend who's walking the same road. And remember, blending families is an art, not a science. And like any art, It takes patience, skill, and a lot of heart. Because the goal isn't to create a perfect family, it's to create a family where everybody knows they belong. Let me read a few of the reviews from people that have been kind enough to read the book and review it. I read this book on a flight across the country. Truly a great guide to any parent for how to lovingly navigate our world of blended families. The author takes time to share his own difficult childhood traumas as experiences that shaped his journey of learning to parent, first as a stepparent and then with his biological children. I found this to be incredibly relatable and healing. As parents, we can feel alone in our struggles when things go wrong. This is practical advice without lecturing. Here's another. The author's background, professional experience, and lived experience make him a credible messenger for this book. His use of stories gave me insight into the depth of the complexity experienced in blended families. The takeaways and action steps at the end of each chapter make this book a tool for blended families to use to transform their lives homes, and the experience of future generations. In a world of quick and flashy fixes that fizzle, this is the real deal. Real-life experience with real help— life help that can make a difference that lasts. The Art of Step Parenting is an honest, insightful, and deeply compassionate guide for navigating the often complex dynamics of blended families. Richard R. Ramos doesn't shy away from the hard truth, but he also offers real hope grounded in research, wisdom, and years of experience. Whether you're a stepparent, single parent, or part of a blended household, this book is filled with practical tools and powerful perspective shifts that will help you build connection, earn respect, And create true family harmony. I highly recommend it for anyone walking the journey of blending families. And one more. What a wonderful gift to the world, especially to those on their journey of mixed family parenting. The author's willingness to share his personal raw experiences, not theories, opinions, or academics, get to the heart of an outside-in world that needs to be inside out. In other words, security, understanding, and forgiveness all start at home to bring families together and prepare the children to take on the outside world. And it's all about love. Thank you for listening. This is the Parent Whisperer podcast. Please be sure to subscribe, leave a review, Share this episode with any stepparents you know, and always remember and remind them: Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents; it is for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.

So that's it for today's episode of the Parent Whisperer podcast. Head on over to Spotify, Apple, wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week that posts a review on Apple Podcasts will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a $10,000 private VIP day with Richard himself. Be sure to head on over to parentwhispererpodcast.com and pick up a free copy of Richard's gift and join us on the next episode.