Ep 23: Step Dad Cop Out

If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

Stepdad cop out. My husband is the stepfather to my 2 boys. I am the stepmother to his 2 girls. His daughters respect and obey me fine because I've been around them since 4 and 6 years old. My boys are 16 and 14, and they met stepfather around 11 and 13. They have been very disobedient and disrespectful. To both of us. I want him to step up to the plate and discipline them and turn them around. He says it's my job since they are my sons. This bothers me, and it sort of causes me to disrespect him a little. I think it's a cop-out. Their father is in and out of their lives.

Any suggestions?

Hello everybody and welcome to the Parent Whisperer Podcast. I'm Richard Ramos, your host. Well, this is a very common situation about disciplining the children and when stepparents step in or step up as she wants him to do To discipline children, it's just not as easy as that. To discipline the stepchildren, there are a lot of dynamics and factors that go into this. And for her to just want him to step up to the plate and discipline them and turn them around, it's not going to be through him disciplining them that's going to turn them around. That's not the issue. How do I know that? Because that's exactly the mistake I made when I first came into the life of my current stepsons, 3 of them who are now all adults. But when I came into their life, they were a little older than 11 and 13. I say some maybe 11 and 15 or somewhere in there. They were very young. One was a very young teenager, the other wasn't quite a teenager yet. My third son, who stepson was very small, maybe three or four or five years old. So that's a whole different story. But they were my stepsons. The older two were very disrespectful to their mother, and at first we were not married at the time. But I came from a disciplinarian mother and family, and I could not handle it. I couldn't stand it. I just Thought, oh my God, this is terrible. No respect, didn't listen, just very disobedient. And so, yeah, I tried to step up, and we were not married at the time, and that was a huge mistake. I started to, you know, say to them, hey, hey, don't talk to your mother that way, and you guys need to do this and do that, and don't do this and don't do that. Well, they weren't having it, and I was out of line. And so my advice here, if she's asking for suggestions, that is not the issue for the stepfather just to step in and straighten them up. They're going through a lot of other things in their heart, in their mind regarding this guy. I mean, yeah, he's your Husband now, and you obviously have been in his life and the life of his girls for a long time because you said you've been around them since they were 4 and 6. See, that makes it easier. These are the dynamics of blending families that need to be addressed and talked about because when you enter into the lives of children who are not your own, And they are very young, of course it's much easier because they really don't understand what's happening. There's really not that loyal bond. There could be at 4 and 6 years old, but not like somebody, a child who's 11 years old, 12, 13, 14, and older. They already have a loyalty to the other parent, the other biological parent. And then on top of that, you might have that other biological parent, in this case the father, who she says is in and out of their lives. But that doesn't mean that he's not saying things to them, putting thoughts in their head about the mother and her new husband. Now maybe he's not, but a lot of times they are. I know that's what happened to me, and it just poisoned my relationship. So in one of the cases of one of my stepsons, so I would suggest if you're asking for suggestions in this situation, it's more about us as parents, as adults, as stepparents to work on ourselves. And when he says on the other hand, well, he doesn't want to do anything, that it's her sons And it's her problem. That is kind of a cop out. And what needs to happen is these two people need to look at themselves first. The mother needs to look at herself and figure out why is it that my sons are so disrespectful and disobedient to me? And a lot of it's going to have to do with the fact that you have this relationship with his daughters. Maybe they resent that, or maybe you just haven't been stepping up to the plate yourself, and you've been lax on your role in their life as the disciplinarian, waiting for your husband, their stepdad, to step in, and he's not doing it. And so what's going to happen here, and what is happening here, is that these 2 young boys are just going to continue to grow in their resentment, their sadness, their anger, their depression. I mean, all of those emotions could be going on for many different reasons. But I think the main point I want to make here is that it's not about stepping up and disciplining; it's about stepping up and growing up. As individual adults, we need to continue to work on ourselves. And in this case, the key is just to be there, be present, and continue to build trust and build relationship. And I think it would be a big mistake. For him to start to try to discipline disobedient stepchildren. To me, that's not the solution. This is more about the mother and father getting on the same page, which again is a whole nother issue, a whole another dynamic that always seems to be a problem. In some cases, one parent doesn't want the other parent to discipline their kids, and in this case, the parent wants the stepdad to discipline their kids, but that isn't always the case. And so what really needs to happen is they need to talk and get on the same page and agree that this is a partnership, that they both need to check themselves, consider the relationship with the young girls. And what about the relationship between those two young girls and her two young boys? So you have a blended family situation here where Their mom, the boy's mom, gets along great with the girls, but she's not getting respect from her boys. And then the stepdad, he's not getting any respect or obedience. And so that's a real dilemma to me. The key here is for mom and dad. To talk and get on the same page of how they're going to handle the situation, which is going to be more about them and more about their personal growth, more about their honesty with themselves, their honesty with each other, their fairness in the way they are dealing with the situation between these 4 children, and really Talking through the dynamics here and realizing that there's more going on than there's a reason I should say why these boys are disrespectful and disobedient. And let's just face it because I went through this. It had to do with my actions, my stepping into their life. When maybe I shouldn't have, or I— it wasn't a good time, but it happened anyway. And me trying to be the disciplinarian, which I tried for a long time, it did not work. What happened was I had to work on myself, build trust, be patient, be supportive of their mother, be there by her side, but I had to back off. It did not work for me to take over and be the disciplinarian in that situation, and it's very similar to the situation that I read to you. So that's my suggestion: is you guys need to talk, get on the same page, be supportive of one another, and realize there's some inner issues in those two boys. There's some pain there. There's some depression there. There's some sadness there. There's anger there. And those reasons why they are acting the way they're acting. But the hope is that can all be overcome because I've done it. But it wasn't about me dealing with the boys. It was about me dealing with myself and my wife and I getting on the same page and how we were going to go about being patient and not just being doormats, not just allowing anything to happen. But to be wise about the way we went about creating boundaries and building trustful, loving relationships. And there's a lot more to that that I could say now, but I try to keep these podcasts not too long. Maybe I'll come back and talk more about it later, but I think I've addressed a lot of this in some of the other podcasts, and I certainly talk about these kinds of things in my book, The Art of step-parenting, how to blend families without tearing them apart. But I want to give some principles for a woman who maybe you're considering a father, a husband who would be the stepfather, to step into the life of your children. So I just want to give you 5 very basic principles that you can look for that are good signs of a man who's going to be a good stepfather. Number one is that he takes ownership, not just credit. True leadership starts with personal responsibility. A strong stepfather doesn't just show up for the easy moments. He owns his role in the tough ones too. And that's what this man was not doing. If he acknowledges mistakes, apologizes, and grows from them, he's likely to model That same accountability for your children. So if you see that kind of character in a man, then that's a good sign he's going to be that kind of man and have that kind of character with your children. Number 2, he sees you as an equal partner. A great stepdad respects your voice, your wisdom, and your contributions. He understands that parenting isn't about helping But it's about sharing the responsibility, as I'm suggesting in this case. Number 3, here's a man who's willing to break generational cycles. A stepfather committed to growth recognizes that step-parenting is a chance to do things differently. Maybe you've made a lot of mistakes in your former marriage, or maybe you had stepkids in another relationship. But here's a chance to break those cycles and actively work through any past wounds, any unhealthy patterns, and whether you need to grow in your therapy sessions or in your faith, your self-reflection. But in this way, you can lead breaking generational cycles by example. Number 4, A man who's emotionally present and vulnerable. That's a huge issue, and that would really be helpful in this case here that I read. A strong stepfather isn't afraid to express emotions. He knows that vulnerability isn't weakness. It's what teaches kids that love, empathy, and connection matter. And I gotta say, that just Goes a long way because when I began to be vulnerable and open up and show emotion and express love and empathy and things like that for the situation that my stepsons were in, those are the things that made the connection. Those are the things that built our relationship. And number 5, finally, a man who embraces a servant leadership attitude. A great stepdad leads with love, not control, which is what this wife was asking him to do. Not wise. He sees his roles not as a dictator, but as a guide, modeling integrity, respect, and service to his family. So that is my suggestion— servant leadership. Being vulnerable, breaking any generational cycles or bad patterns and experiences that you had before. Show respect as an equal partner for your wife, who is in this case the mother of these kids, and own the situation. Don't say, well, those are your kids, that's too bad for you, I don't want to deal with it. That's not a sign of a good man who's going to be a good stepfather. A stepdad who doesn't want to just play the part, but it's about living a mission to build that blended family and embodies these principles that I mentioned. That foundation you can build on, and you can get the results that you're looking for, not by being the disciplinarian, but by being a servant leader. That's my suggestion. Listen, everybody, you've been listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard Ramos. I'd love for you to subscribe. I'd love for you to send me an email with any questions. I'd love to hear your feedback on the different things that I've been talking about. These are just real-world issues. I'm not trying to be real deep, and I'm not trying to be real fancy. I'm just talking real talk because these are real issues. So I'd love to hear from you, and don't forget to share these episodes with any stepparents that you have. These last episodes, I've been talking a lot about the stepparent issue from my book. In the last episode, of course, I covered the AB 495 because I felt that was a timely issue of what's going on right now. But this particular situation, the stepdad cop-out, that is very common. And so I hope that the suggestions that I've made were helpful in that situation. And then the 5 principles I gave any woman out there who you're considering bringing a man into the life of your children, those 5 things are good principles to look at to build that family. So that's it for this episode. Thank you for tuning in, and always remember, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents or bad stepparents. It's for good parents and good stepparents who want to get better. See you next time.

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