Ep 25: Common Parenting Questions

If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

Hello everybody, and welcome to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard Ramos. And what I want to do today is go through an interview that I did not too long ago on a podcast. They sent me all these questions. These are questions that they took by a poll of some of the top questions that parents were asking and wanting to know and wanted them to ask me what my answers were. So there was like 20 questions. I'm not going to go through all 20 of them. But I just wanted to share these with you. I think they're pretty relevant for today, and I think they're common. I don't think there is anything that surprising, especially when we're raising the children in different age categories. But I would just say these are common questions, common problems, common issues that a lot of parents wanted to know what I had to say. And so I'm going to share with you what I said. So the first question that they asked was, what's the most underrated parenting skill that can transform a child's behavior and emotional well-being? Now, that is a big question, and there could be a number of things that can transform a child's behavior, which I talk about this in Parents on a Mission classes and I think the main thing has to do with the way we, our response, our lack of being reactive. And so our personal growth is what it really always comes down to. It's about us as parents. And so what I said to that was that one of the underrated parenting skills was active listening. And that we really need to focus and be present, you know, eye to eye, and really lean in when our kids are Talking to us rather than just making assumptions and going on in our head about what we're going to say. You know, it's kind of like when you have an argument with your spouse. You know, a lot of times that's what arguments are. It's you know you're trying to convince me that you're right. I'm trying to convince you that I'm right. And so when you're talking to me, I'm thinking about what I'm going to say and respond. And when I'm talking, you're doing the same thing. So I was saying, let's not do that with our kids. If our kids are going to open up to us, let's validate their feelings. Again, we may not agree, but we can validate how they feel. We can ask follow-up questions like, well, I don't really understand. Can you talk more about that? Or can you explain that more? And then, you know, reflecting back to them what we at least think they're saying. And when we do that, this kind of active listening, it creates trust, strengthens the, you know, connection, the emotional bond. And makes the child— helps the child feel respected. And so while there's a lot of things that could transform a child's behavior, the question really was, what's the most underrated parenting skill? And I think active listening is one of those. Second question: how can parents balance being authoritative without being authoritarian? And so again, this is something we talk about in Parents on a Mission, the classes of the difference between authoritarian and authoritative. Very pretty simple, really. An authoritarian parent, much like I was raised and many other kids at my age back in the day, it was just like a dictator, you know. No opinion. I don't want to hear you. Whatever I say goes. That's it. And end of story. And there's no concern about, you know, how I feel or what I want to say or whether they're right or wrong. It's just Just, that's the law. I'm the dad, you're the kid, what I say goes, and that's it. So that's a very authoritarian style of parenting. The authoritative is more of a balance between you're going to set boundaries and you're going to have the final say, but you want to make the connection with your kid before the correction. Connection before correction. And show the empathy. Show the, okay, I I understand. Okay, let me hear what you got to say. I like what Dr. Daniel Amen says. He says that he doesn't allow our ongoing arguing because that helps or doesn't help the development of the brain of a child. Well, really, that's in his book, A Magnificent Mind at Any Age, a really good teaching he gives there. But the main thing is, yeah, we will hear your opinion, but more than twice constitutes Arguing, and so that's a healthy culture where yes, I'm an authority, but yes, I will hear you. I can be empathetic towards what you're saying, as opposed to you know because I said so, which I've been guilty of myself when I was a younger parent saying it to my kids. You know because I said that's why. So authoritative is more balanced. You show warmth. You show you know kindness when you need to flexibility. There's open communication, but you're still the one who's. to make the final call. So that's a balance. That's called authoritative being versus being authoritarian. Next question, what's the biggest misconception parents have about disciplining their children? And this is where I talk about the difference between punishment and discipline. Discipline is not punishment. Punishment is not discipline. Punishment. All you're concerned about is a penalty for the behavior, and that's it. Whatever that might be. Sometimes it can be very extreme. Sometimes it's not extreme enough. But that's all that matters. You're gonna punish them because of what they did or didn't do. Discipline. The root word, the original word is from the Latin disciplinare. Disciplinare, and that word means to teach. So discipline is about teaching. You're going to use whatever happened as a teachable moment because you want an outcome. You want a positive outcome. You want to change. And so that requires thought. That requires being responsive and not reactive, which is— this requires emotional intelligence, the emotional maturity to try to calm down. I'm not saying I always practice this. Because sometimes I lose my temper as well. But for the most part, I've grown to know how to not do that. And so that I can bring a teachable moment rather than just punish. And I don't care, you know, if there's any outcome of that. I just wanted to give you a penalty for what you did or didn't do. So discipline is about teaching. Punishment is more about almost like revenge for what the kid did. So I think that's a big misconception about discipline. Number 5, or next, what's one thing parents should stop doing immediately to improve their relationship with their child? Again, that could be a lot of things. I talked about to stop dismissing their emotions, like, oh, get over yourself. Well, that's not that big a deal. Why are you making such a big deal about it? Or you're just overreacting. Why don't you suck it up, toughen up? You know, and you're kind of shutting your child down when that happens. And you know, to you, of course, for us it may not seem like a big deal. But if it is a big deal to them, then we shouldn't dismiss that. We should just hear that, acknowledge how they're feeling. You could say something like, you know, I could see you're really upset. Why don't we talk about this? Something like that versus, you know what, Quit being a big baby, get over yourself, and stuff like that. So that's one thing that parents, if we stop doing that, that will improve our relationship with our child and encourage them to be more open with us because they know we're not going to shame them or put them down when they open up about their feelings. Next, how can parents help their child develop resilience in a world Full of challenges. Well, for that one, I think we have to allow our kids to struggle, even to fail in some respects, and not always stepping in to fix everything for them so that they don't experience any disappointment or any pain or any letdown. Those things are reality of life, and it builds resilience in us when we have those bad moments, those bad feelings, those failures, those. Setbacks. Those things don't always go our way, and that is the reality of life. And so we can help children build their resilience by allowing them to struggle, to overcome the difficulty rather than avoiding it, to go through it rather than going around it. One of the things I talk about is preparation for separation and infiltration Not isolation. Okay, one more time. Preparation for separation. What that means is our role as parents is to prepare our children to separate from us, not to live with us for the rest of their life. And in doing that, we know that when they get out there, we got to prepare them for all the things that are ugly in the world. Because there's— I'm sorry, there's just a lot of people that are not always kind, fair, good-natured. There's corruption, all of those kinds of things. So we're preparing our children. to separate from us. Life is a process of separation. Separation from the womb, separation when you go to school, separation when you get married, and of course ultimately separation and death. And we are preparing our children for that by infiltration, not isolation. What I mean by that is instead of living in fear and always afraid that our kids might get around the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, and we're trying to isolate them from seeing and hearing and doing all these you know, negative things. We inoculate them with integrity. We give them family values. We inoculate them and make them immune to the community toxins that are out there. And now that when we send our children out into the dark, into the, you know, all the temptations that are out there, or toxins if you will, and they become a light. And so they're infiltrating all of that stuff. And they are light, they're a leader, they know how to handle those things. So that's how we can help our kids develop this resilience, by preparation for separation, so they can infiltrate and not isolate themselves from social life and some of the issues that come up. Another question was, how can parents teach their children to handle failure And disappointment in a healthy way. And it's kind of the same thing that I just said. In my experience with all the great entrepreneurs and business people I've met and people that do very well, they'll tell you how many times they've failed. I have failed. That the truth is there is no success without failure. That's been true in my life. It's true in a lot of people that I know. I think it's Michael Jordan who said, you know, if you know anything about basketball, Michael Jordan is considered the best player ever in the history of the NBA, National Basketball Association. And he was just a great player. But he talked about how when he took the game-winning shot, he had missed that shot over 900 times in his career. So that's basically failure. But yet he made the shot many more times maybe than that. And so, but again, you cannot have success without without failure. And so, as parents, we shouldn't be afraid to share our own mistakes. You know, when we don't always get things right, or when we— maybe we got laid off, or we got fired, or we just made a bad investment. We make mistakes, but we learn how to overcome those failures, bad choices that we made, and disappointments, and overcome them in a healthy, And I always think too that if you're not failing, you're either not really trying your best or your vision is too small. So think about that. Another question, how can parents help their child navigate peer pressure and bullying? Well, that's a tough one as far as bullying, but I'll just say very, very simply I taught my kids that it's okay to defend yourself. You can't allow a bully to bully you because they'll never stop. And it's okay to defend yourself if you can use their words like, hey man, no, that's not for me. I'm gonna just leave it alone and it's not for me. I don't want to do that. I don't want to go there. And have the confidence to walk away from an unhealthy situation. Yeah, you might get ridiculed, you might get put down, you might even get laughed at, And some people may not, you know, kind of cut you off, but that's okay. That's okay. We don't have to give in to peer pressure to be who we are and all we can be. And the more we can help our kids be self-confident, have self-worth, self-esteem, stand up for themselves, know the difference between right and wrong, have moral courage— that is how we can help our kids navigate that peer pressure. And the key to me What I say the key to prevention and overcoming peer pressure is loyalty and parents learning how to win the loyalty of your child, the heart, the mind, and the loyalty, the choice of pledging their allegiance to you, to your family, to your values, which is something that we spend quite a bit of time teaching in the Parents on a Mission curriculum. And 2 more here. What's the best way to talk to children about difficult topics like death, divorce, or loss? Well, I unfortunately have had to have those conversations, all 3 of those things— death, divorce, and loss. The death of their mother, my own divorce, and just loss of Friends and reputation, really, in my case. But you got to be honest about it. You got to face it straight up, head on, no excuses. Of course, you have to, when it comes to things like death and divorce and things like that, age appropriate. Obviously, you're not going to share too much information to a young child that really doesn't understand what happened between you and their mother, or you, you know, divorce, or If they die, they don't understand it. That happened with me when my wife, the mother of my children, passed away. My girls were pretty young. They were 12, 10, and 8 at the time. So obviously the 12-year-old understood, the 10-year-old too, but the 8-year-old, you know, was a little tougher. And so, but I still think that we don't want to overload them with details. But I do think we need to be just very honest and not, you know, paint some unrealistic picture. I don't think that helps kids. And finally, how can parents create a family culture of teamwork and mutual respect? Well, you know what I used to do? I used to have family meetings. We used to plan a dinner with no TV, no texting, no phone calls, no email, no any, no nothing, no music, just conversation. You know, whether it was an hour, a half hour, 45 minutes, it really didn't matter. My kids knew that dinner was a sacred time where we were going to sit down together. We couldn't do maybe every day, but we made it a point to make it a very important time. We also, I would hold family meetings if there was things, you know, getting out of hand or maybe Maybe there was an argument or something like that, and I would feel, okay, we need to all— let's come together, let's talk, let's be open, let's cry, let's forgive, let's hug, you know, whatever it took. Another thing we did, we played a lot of games together, a lot of board games, and that builds sportsmanship and teamwork and things like that. And then of course we did a lot of community service together and things like that. So I think any of those things, planning activities together, Having family meetings, serving the community together, things like that builds teamwork and mutual respect. So that's all. I mean, there were more questions, but you know, that's all the time we have today. Just remember that parenting isn't about being perfect, but it is about being honest and having integrity. And teaching kids that it's okay that we're not perfect, but let's be honest about things. Let's be intentional about things, and let's model for our children that in an imperfect world, we have imperfect people, but we can overcome these challenges. And as parents, we can role model that. as best we can on a consistent basis for our kids. So that's all for today. Thank you for listening. Subscribe, give me a review if you would. I would love to hear from you. If you have questions, please send me the questions. And also remember, you can go to my website. There's other resources there. And I appreciate you listening to this podcast. And remember, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It's for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.

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