In this episode of the Parent Whisperer podcast, host Richard R. Ramos expands on themes from Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté’s book Hold On to Your Kids and aligns them with his own Parents on a Mission curriculum. He emphasizes that the parent‑child bond is sacred and must be the highest priority, arguing that children gauge parental priorities through consistent tone and behavior rather than words. Ramos warns that modern culture pits parents against a relentless competition for children’s hearts—social‑media influencers, peer groups, schools, and even government policies—all seeking to replace parental influence. He explains that parents must stay “in the game,” investing time, presence, and attachment power, rather than relying on restrictive control, which fails when attachment is weak. A vivid anecdote about his son Lance illustrates how imposing limits without sufficient attachment backfires, and he advocates “wooing” children back into the relationship. Practical recommendations include structured family meals without distractions, scheduled one‑on‑one activities, and intentional restrictions on external influences during family time. Throughout, Ramos stresses repetition, consistency, and the need for parents to view parenting as a competitive arena where loyalty is earned through love, presence, and intentional connection. Listeners are invited to subscribe, review, and access additional resources on his website.
If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.
Hey everybody, welcome to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard Ramos, your host. And what I want to do today is follow up a little bit on what I talked about in our last episode about how to outfluence social media influencers. And I want to read from a book, some excerpts from a book that I found a few, I don't know, 2 or 3 years ago. It's called Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. By Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté. And the reason I like this book so much is because I had been teaching, you know, the principles of Parents on a Mission for years, years before I came across this book. And what I liked about it is just affirmed everything that I've been teaching for all these years, and that was really just a rewarding feeling to to read from these 2— one is a PhD and one's a medical doctor— that they were saying the same thing that I've been saying for years. So I just want to read a little bit here, and just to reinforce what I've been talking about. This is from the 15th chapter, Preserve the Ties That Empower. They say the relationship between child and parent is sacred. Faced with the challenge of the peer culture, we need to keep our children's attachments to us strong and to make these attachments last for as long as our children need to be parented. But how to achieve that? No matter what problem or issue we face in parenting, our relationship with our children should be the highest Priority. Now that's something that I talk about in Parents on a Mission in the sixth session on how to be a hero. And the first point I've made all these years, and I was so relieved, so nice to read that, was our priorities—that we choose our priorities and that our children, other than our marriage, must be. the priority of our time and investment of our time. And that's what they say here. Children do not experience our intentions, no matter how heartfelt. They experience what we manifest in tone and behavior. We cannot assume that children will know what our priorities are. We must live Our priorities. So I just love that because, as I said before— and by the way, I know I'm repeating myself, but that's okay. As I said last time, repetition is the mother of all learning. And it's easy for you to hear something once and it just kind of goes by the wayside. And not only that, I'm not assuming that whoever's listening to this, that you've heard everything else I've been saying, or that you listen to every episode. If you do, You know, God bless you and send me an email or something and let me know because I'm not assuming that and therefore repeating is important. But the thing about priority of time, see, children know, you know, they get involved in activities and, you know, of course they want us to be there no matter what it is. Especially this is for small children. They know that we can't be at everything because they understand we're busy, we work, we maybe we're out of town. Things like that. So when we're not at every activity, whatever it might be, that's not what bothers them because they know that we couldn't. What bothers them is when they knew or know that we could be there, but we chose not to be there. And therefore, that sends the message that something else was a priority over us choosing to go and participate or observe, watch, cheer for them in whatever it is that they were doing. So that's a huge one about— they're talking about creating connection, creating attachment, creating relationship. Again, the title of the book, Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than peers. Let me go on in this same chapter. Parenthood was never meant to be this way, was not designed by nature with the possibility that our children's hearts could be turned against us. Yet if we allow ourselves to be pushed away, there was nothing left for the child to hold on to. Keeping ourselves in the game. How many times have you heard me say that, mom and dad? Keeping ourselves in the game, not allowing ourselves to become alienated, is one of the most important things to do for our children's sake and ours. Now, the mission statement of Parents on a Mission is turning the hearts Turning the hearts of parents to their children and the hearts of children to their parents. And then we say that, that the turning of the hearts is the best method for preventing children from choosing negative lifestyles. And that's exactly what they're saying here. Parenthood was never meant to be this way, was not designed by nature with the possibility that our children's hearts could be turned against us. And so that's what I've been talking about when it comes to these social media influencers. That's exactly what they're doing. And not only the social media influence, but even in schools, being— our kids are being indoctrinated with values that are, I would say for the most part, are not our parent— are not parent— our parent values or How should I say? They're not most of our values, I would say. And that— those are— that's not my opinion. Those are the numbers. Those are statistics that show that most parents are not happy with the public education system and the indoctrination that is happening. And then we have government also undermining the authority and the role of parenting. So That's what we've been talking about, is this turning of the hearts. And so we are encouraging you that we— our heart is focused on our relationship with our children and not to take it for granted. That's huge. Let me read another place in here. It says, as far as the attitude that we should have about this, about what I'm saying here, Necessary as we may consider it to improve— or to impose, sorry— order on a child's behavior, it is much more important to impose order on a child's attachments. We have 2 jobs here: establishing structures that cultivate connection and restrictions that enfeeble the competition. Or that, you know, weaken our competition, which, as you know, I say that every parent in America is in a daily competition for the heart, mind, and loyalty of your children. And what they're saying is that we have 2 jobs. One is to develop structures that cultivate connection and that weaken our competition. And then they go on to say, and believe me, if we saw the situation clearly— and that's what I've been trying to do, that's what this is all about, that's what the Parent Whisperer podcast is all about— if we saw the situation clearly, we would realize that in our culture it's a knockout, drag-out, no-holds-barred, no-quarters-given, winner-take-all and loser-get-nothing, devil-take-the-hindmost struggle for Our kids' hearts and minds. There it is right there. That is what we are wanting to avoid, wanting to help parents understand, and give you all the tools and encouragement and principles that you need to not lose your children to whoever or whatever it might be that becomes more important than you. And that's going to be a decision of loyalty on their part, and that decision is based on their heart and their mind being influenced by whoever or whatever it is. And the competition that's out there, that's exactly what you need to understand is going on. Now I'm going to end here by reading the story. Wise parents will not impose more restrictions than the attachment power they wield will bear. So here's a story of parents that made that mistake. Let me say it again. Wise parents will not impose more restrictions than the attachment power they wield will bear. In other words, if you don't have the attachment You didn't establish it, and now you're going to try to establish it by restricting your children. They're basically saying it's just too late. And that's why we talk about those first 5 to 12 years, how important it is to make that connection. When Lance was 11, he went from being unpopular to suddenly being part of the in-group. His father and I were very uncomfortable with the 2 new best friends. They didn't seem attached to parents, to be grounded in family. We were uncomfortable when these kids were over. It was a strong gut feeling. Both these kids put our nerves on edge. Suddenly Lance began to listen to their CDs. They were disgusting, and I'm a rock fan. Many F-words, full of violence CDs I wouldn't now give a second thought to. But then, at that time, my son was 11. Anyway, this kid Josh, he was like a Pied Piper. It was like he had piped my son away. Lance changed. He became secretive with us, always demanding to be connected with these kids. We decided we had to break up that relationship. We failed miserably. We sat Lance down to have a talk with him. Your dad and I no longer want you to see Josh, I told him. He cried at first, cried and cried. It became clear that he felt we had forced him to make a decision between us and Josh, and that he had chosen Josh. He cried because he would miss me. Think about that. He wasn't crying about that they were forcing him not to see the kid anymore. They were forcing him to choose. And he chose to miss his mom, or he chose Josh, meaning, I'm gonna miss my mom. And he cried about that, but he did it anyway. He didn't speak to us for 3 and a half months. We got nothing at all. He continued to see Josh in school, after school, and on weekends. Finally, we had to give in. Think about that. And here's the author's comment. What Lance's parents realized was that they could not confront the peer problem directly. They lacked the attachment power, which is why their attempt to limit their son's peer interaction was doomed to fail. They had to go back to basics and collect their son Woo him back into relationship with them. See, that is the answer. That is the key. If we've lost our children to their peers or whoever and whatever it might be, but in this case it was their friends or his friend, the wisdom is going to be to woo them, win them slowly back over time rather than trying to control and restrict and come down hard. It's just not going to work. It's just going to push your kids farther away. So in ending this episode, let me repeat the principles or the key things in this particular chapter that they talk about. Number 1, is that our relationship with our children must be a priority, a priority. And that can only be demonstrated by investment of time and presence. It can't be something we say. We have to do it on a consistent basis. A second point, mom and dad, don't allow yourself to be replaced Replaced by who? Replaced by the mistress of social media. Now, I know the word mistress is normally used in the sense of marriage relationships that are, you know, get interfered with somebody else, but in this case, you can understand the metaphor. Social media is like a mistress that's pulling away your children from the relationship they have with you, and then you get replaced Don't allow yourself to get replaced. How do I do that, Richard? What I already just said. You are investing your time and the priority of your presence with your children on a consistent basis. And the third thing is to stay in the game. And in many cases, what I've been telling parents is to get in the game. That if you don't understand that you're in a competition, as these authors are saying, as I've been saying, you're not even in the game and you need to get in the game. And the reason that you're not in the game is because you're taking the loyalty of your child for granted. You're taking the loyalty of your daughter and son for granted, and that's a mistake. And that's the message that I'm pounding the drum. I know I said it last time, I've said it before, and I'm saying it again today. Get in the game and stay in the game for the heart, mind, and loyalty of your children. That is the prize, and we have to earn it. And finally, the last thing is they suggest, and I suggest the same thing in the Parents on a Mission curriculum, is to create structures and restrictions When your children are small. Things like having dinner together, having a meal with no music, no TV, no radio, no phone, no texting, no email. Just having a meal together, eating together, and talking face to face. Planned activities, whether it's board games on Monday night or Sunday lunch, whatever it is. For single parents, you say, well, I work a lot, Richard. I have 2 jobs. I don't have time to have dinner with my kids. Okay, fine. But you can't tell me that you can't work out at least one day of time with your kids—a Saturday morning, a Sunday afternoon, a Monday night, a Wednesday—something where you plan with your kids and you talk with them about it, and it's planned. It's on the calendar. It's a date. See, if you don't do that, if it's not planned. If it's not structured, it's not going to happen because we just get too busy. So, and the restrictions are things like, we're going to go on a family outing and we're not going to have any friends go. None of your friends are allowed. None of your cousins, nobody else. Why? Because I want to talk with you. I want to have relationship with you. I want you to talk to your mom. I want your brother to talk to your sister. I want your sister to talk to me. And that When you have other people there, friends, cousins, relatives, we all know the dynamics change, whether it's in the house, whether it's on a vacation, whether it's on a picnic, it all changes. And then a lot of times what ends up happening is the parents spend time with the parents and the kids spend time with the kids. And then that's what usually happens. And there's no interaction between mom and son and daughter and son and mom. And our mom and daughter and dad and son and dad and daughter, all of that, and brother and sisters. So that's what we mean by restrictions. I mean, there are other things, but I, I think you get the point. And again, it must be planned. So I hope this has been helpful to you, an encouragement to you, and providing you with some simple solutions that are doable. Anybody can do them. And we need to do it on a consistent basis. You've been listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard Ramos, and I thank you for your time. Subscribe, leave a review. If you have questions, you can email me. If you want more resources, you can go to my website, richardrramos.com. And as always, remember, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It's for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.
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