Ep 39: Avoid Raising a Spoiled Child

If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

How to avoid raising a spoiled child. While you want to make your children happy, you also want them to become grateful and appreciative adults. Find the perfect balance with these expert tips. Hello everybody! Welcome back to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard Ramos. This article that I read, How to Avoid Raising a Spoiled Child, I want to share with you. This is an article by Denise. Shepani, I think, is how you pronounce her name. She gives some key points to start off. I want to just share the things she's talking about and then talk about how we deal with this in Parents on a Mission. Her key points, 3 key points: setting clear rules and boundaries helps prevent spoiled behavior in children. Giving in to every demand may have long-term effects. On a child's motivation and relationships. And third, teaching patience and self-discipline can help children value what they have and earn what they want. So those are, I think, universal principles that we would all agree with. The question is, you know, how do you do it? How do you go about it? And of course, everybody, when it comes to raising children— sensitive topic, obviously— may have different methods, methodologies, philosophies, ideology about how you go about setting clear rules and boundaries, not giving in to every demand? Where do you draw the line there? How do you teach patience and self-discipline? So in the article she says that in a poll of parents that was taken, 42% of readers admitted their child is spoiled. I mean, that is not good. That's one of the reasons we do Parents on a Mission is because Parents on a Mission, we address the issue that we are not only raising our children, we are raising citizens of the community. Now, how many of you have dealt with an adult that you would say is a spoiled brat? And an officer, a teacher, a politician, a boss, somebody who's in charge, but you look at them, you deal with them, you put up with it, and you would say, this must have been a spoiled brat when they were a kid because They don't know how to act when they don't get their way. They don't know how to act when they're challenged. They don't know how to act when they want something done right away, right now, the way I want it. Those kinds of things. But when you read something like this, where this poll says 42% of readers admitted their child is spoiled, and 80% think spoiling kids now will affect them in the long run, So if they know that, why is it happening? And so, as you all know by now, if you've been listening to me for any amount of time or read my books, you know that one of my main points that always goes back to all of these issues, whether we're talking about the authority of parents, the use of discipline, reconciliation in broken relationships. Winning the heart, the mind, and the loyalty of your children. All of those things has to do with the emotional maturity, the growth, ongoing lifelong journey of emotional maturity of mom and dad. That to me is how we avoid these kinds of things where number one, we're raising spoiled children. That's bad enough. But number two, we know it. We— and yet we're doing it. So that just speaks to me to being lazy and just kind of taking the easy route, passing our kids off to somebody else, you know, the pastor, the coach, grandma, grandpa, uncle, sister, whoever. Let them deal with it. But that is not the answer. That's not the way to go. And so this talks about how to avoid raising a spoiled child, which caught my attention because I think that's one of the main problems that we have in the long run in society. So she gives 5, let's see, 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 6 signs of a spoiled child. So here we go, Mom and Dad. Number 1, low self-control. And this, she says, is due to permissive discipline. Or in other words, Our style is allowing our kids just to do whatever they want. Second is aggressiveness, another sign of a spoiled child. Third, self-centeredness. And, you know, self-centeredness is common, a normal kind of thing for all kids, I would say. But when it gets to be— get carried away, then, you know, that's not a good thing. Number 4 is impulsivity. Again, I think that's kind of a normal thing for young kids as well. But again, that's the reason why we exercise discipline, which I believe is the answer to how you don't allow our kids to, to become spoiled. But we'll talk about that. Number 5 was rebellion, and number 6 is a domineering nature. So she— her points are these. Number 1, is to avoid apologizing for disappointments. So in other words, she's saying you— we don't have to say we're sorry because we disappoint our child for not giving them a cell phone, you know, or for not buying them the most expensive clothes or that they want because they want to fit in with their peers, things like that. We don't have to apologize for something like that. I recommend that we apologize for when we've you know, made mistakes or reacted out of emotion and yelled at them or did something like that, that's fine to apologize for those character issues. But not for things where like you just can't afford it. We— or, you know, it's just not the right time. Things like that. Second, she says, is to manage tantrums. No parent likes listening to a tantrum, whether it's from a child who refuses to leave a playdate or an 8-year-old who slams their door over your refusal to buy a cell phone, but giving in is far worse. The main reason a kid will continue to have tantrums is that they're successful. So yes, of course, if a kid is going to get their way when they throw a tantrum, then they're going to continue to do it. And of course, that is one of the toughest things about being a parent is managing those tantrums, dealing with those tantrums, and not responding to or reacting to those tantrums. Because as she says, If you do, that's what's going to happen time and time again, and then it just gets harder and harder to say no. So if we can be consistent in managing the tantrums of our children, and mainly the main thing you do it is there's going to be ignoring it and/or with a consequence, one of the two or both, and that's the only way You stop it. It's kind of like dealing with a bully. If you give in to a bully, you're going to get bullied over and over. And tantrums are kind of a way of children bullying their parents to get their way. And this is especially tough when it's in public. But when you ignore it and/or put consequences to it, that's the way you deal with it— head-on, straight up, and no apologizing for it. Number 3, teach your kids the lost Art of patience. Again, she says spoiled kids feel entitled not only to get the things they want, but to get them immediately. So yes, I wholeheartedly agree with that. You know this culture that we live in, which has been for a long time push the button, get instant gratification, that kind of a thing. But rather than teaching our children, you know what? We're going to wait for that. It's not time for that, or I can't do that right now. Or it's just not a good thing for you right now. And of course, they're not gonna like— that's an answer they don't want to hear. But that is exactly what parenting is about. And what we are trying to teach our kids is to be patient. You know, things don't always— you don't always get everything when you want it, how you want it, the way you want it. That's just not the way life works. And so we're denying them those things, not because we're being mean, but because we want to teach our children patience. Next, give encouragement instead of gifts. So in other words, instead of telling a kid, hey, if you get an A, you know, I'll give you a dollar, or if you do this, I'll go buy you that new— those new tennis shoes you want, you know. Giving them a gift, and instead of encouragement for just being a good person, for just doing the right thing, for having the self-esteem of getting a good grade and just acknowledging them for that, and that's enough, rather than feeling like we have to give them something, buy them something, go somewhere, promising them some reward. Instead of letting the reward be, you did the right thing, I'm proud of you, That's a great achievement that you have. Way to go. High five. Hug. You know, whatever it might be. Now, on the other side, there's nothing wrong with, you know, giving a child a gift, of course, for an accomplishment. You know, here and there, once in a while. But the point that I believe she's making is that it doesn't have to be, you know, all the time. What we want to do is build up their self-esteem, their self-worth, just in the fact of being a certain way, doing the right thing, things like that. And that in itself is enough. So those are the things she should suggest about how to unspoil a child: not apologizing for disappointment, managing their tantrums, teach our children patience, and encouragement instead of gifts for their achievements. So how we deal with this in Parents on a Mission, I teach the home field advantage. Now that's a teaching I've done before. I'm not going to go through it all right now because you can look back on the episodes that I've done in this podcast. And I taught about the home field advantage. But I can just quickly tell you how we break it down is from ages of infants to 12 years old. And I talk about this mainly as a strategy for preventing children from joining negative lifestyles when they get to those critical ages of 12 to 15. But the point is, if I know from the ages of 12 to 15, when they enter that middle school, junior high school, age, that is where the peer pressure and the temptations of life increase. And it's a tough time for kids finding their identity, who they're going to hang out with, those kinds of things. So we know that's coming. I call that your competition is now stepping on your field. But there is no competition for the heart and the mind and the loyalty of the choices of your children when they're an infant. To 2 years old, and from 2 years old to 5 years old. Now, from 5 to 12, that's when it kind of could start happening, because now your children are going to school, and they're not with you, or they're outside the home now, 9 months a year, all day at school, things like that. And that's what you're preparing them for. And part of that preparation, I call it preparation for separation. Is that knowing they're going to have to go out and deal with real life. Now, when they're 5, 6, 7, 8 years old, it's not as intense. But once they get into that junior high school and beyond, it is intense. And that's where children begin to make their choices based on the way they've been brought up. And in this case, in dealing with the spoiled child, This is somebody that has no filters. They want what they want, when they want it, how they want it. They don't know how to get along with other people. They're self-centered. They don't do well with people that don't agree with them. Things like that. Just a hard person to be around. And so in the Home Field Advantage teaching, I talk about the role between the ages of 2 to 5. And that's a training. I call it the role of the trainer, which really has to do with discipline and how we discipline our children. Because at the age of 2, 3, 4, and 5, that's when kids become demanding. You know, I always call it they want to be on the throne. You know, they want to demand what they want. And if you don't give it to them, that's where the tantrums can come in. And that's a time where we're training them. You might not like the word training. Disciplining them. People don't even like that word. But however you want to look at it, we are, as Dr. Dobson calls it, we are bending their will without breaking their spirit. Or I call it the skill of just enough. It's like a musician who, with a guitar, who always has to fine-tune their instrument. Even if you just played it and you put it down and you pick it up the next day or 2 days later, you have to go back and make sure it's tuned up. And if you pull the string too hard, you're going to break it. If you don't pull it hard enough, it'll be out of tune. And that's exactly what the role of a parent in discipline is. Not too much to break their spirit, but just enough to fine-tune their spirit. And that's what the proper use of discipline is. And so all of that to say that We want to avoid raising a spoiled child. That is not good for them. That's which is most important. It's not good for you. It's not good for if they have siblings. And it's certainly not good when they get out and socializing from kindergarten, junior high school, high school, and on into an adult, eventually an employee or an employer in a position of authority. And I have to say, in my experience, I've experienced A lot of people that are in a position of authority, and sometimes it just makes me wonder, how did you get in that position? Because you are like dealing with a spoiled brat. You've been listening to the Parent Whisperer Podcast. I'm Richard Ramos. I thank you for your time. Subscribe, leave a review, If you have any questions, I'd love to hear from you. Send me an email at pom, the letter P, the letter O, the letter M, pom@richardrramos.com. You can also go to my website, richardrramos.com. You find other resources there that I hope will be an encouragement to you. Thanks for listening, and always remember. Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It is for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.

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