Ep 43: The Mirror: When Parenting Reveals Your Growth Gaps

If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

The mirror first when parenting reveals. Your growth gaps. Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard Ramos, and my goal in this podcast is not to just talk about parenting or step-parenting, but rather it's about helping us become— not just do, but be— become— becoming the kind of person our kids can actually follow. The kind of parent our kids want to be with and want to follow. So today we're kicking off this brand new series called From Understanding to Impact: Living What We Teach. And in this first episode, we're looking at a truth most people avoid— most parents, I should say, avoid. Parenting doesn't just shape our kids, it exposes our own unfinished business. And you're going to hear how the challenges that we face with our children or stepchildren might actually be revealing the exact areas where you still need healing, clarity, or growth. So this isn't about shame. It really is about freedom because when we face the mirror, we can finally change what we see and don't like. So, here we go. We have to be honest, Mom and Dad. We know, and especially as stepparents, parenting is just not easy. And it really does Show us parts of ourselves where we still need to maybe be healed, where maybe there's some brokenness there. And we can read all the books, you can learn all the strategies, and you can say all the right things. But then what happens when your child pushes that button? When your stepchildren give you that look? They roll their eyes or they ignore you completely, and suddenly you're the one that's reacting, not them. So my goal in this series of messages in the next few episodes—I love teaching, but it's not just to keep teaching principles. I'm wanting to help you practice them, to live them. So that's why this one is called The Mirror First. And it's about how the challenges that you're facing with your kids, as I said, might actually be pointing to your own growth needs and gaps in a healing way. Because the truth is, your greatest influence with your kids It's not about being perfect, but it's because of our willingness to grow. And they see that. They see the growth in us. They know the way we are. They know the way we react. They've seen the ugly side of us. But when they start seeing that growth and it's more consistent, that's when our influence with them is the greatest. So if you're a parent or stepparent, And you're feeling that you're stuck and you're tired of that, this episode is for you. I want to begin by mentioning some of the things I've learned from the different authors, or book mentors as I call them. My book mentors— I've never met them, but I read and study their books. And I want to recommend these books to you if you like to read and you want more insight. These insights, the following insights, are from Alice Miller, Murray Bowen, Edwin Friedman, and Gordon Neufeld. Number 1: When a child resists authority, a parent with unresolved trauma may experience it not as a developmental behavior but as rejection. So the mirror in that one is that our child's defiance reflects our own past powerlessness or unacknowledged pain, according to Ellis Miller. Number 2, when a child's behavior emotionally destabilizes us, it's often revealing how fused we are with our past, our roles, or our unresolved family system Dynamics. So the mirror there is if our children's behavior destabilizes us, it shows where we still lack emotional boundaries and self-definition, according to Murray Bowen. Number 3, if we can't manage our own emotional temperature, we'll always be at the mercy of our children's. The moment a parent's identity is tied to a child's behavior, anxiety takes the wheel and clarity goes out the window. So the mirror there that we're looking at is our meltdown shows our lack of emotional regulation and leadership under pressure, according to Edwin Friedman. And number 4, when our kids resist, it may not be rebellion. It may be a relationship issue. Trying to enforce authority without nurturing attachment creates distance, defiance, and emotional pain on both sides. So the mirror we're looking at there In ourselves is our child's resistance shows where trust has been strained or connection needs to be built. So the point is, we think oftentimes that the problem is our child's behavior in the relationship, but actually it's our reaction to their behavior That holds the real clues to reveal to us where we need to grow. As Alice Miller shows us, what triggers us now is often the echo of a wound from long ago. Now, I've shared before my own story. This was true for me about my dad and about how I would get so angry with my little children just when they would even cry. And after a while, I just had to Start checking myself, like, why am I getting so upset? Why am I getting so angry? And as I've shared before in my books and in these podcasts, it came down to me realizing that all the resentment and anger that I had towards my dad because of the domestic violence and things I saw as a child, all of that pent-up anger was suppressed. But as I became a parent and a stepparent, it just all started coming out. And I realized, ultimately I realized, that a dead man, my dad, was controlling my life because of all the resentment and anger. But, and the key of course was to forgive and let it go. And as I've said, I've told that story. And that once I did that and brought that healing within myself, I became a completely different person. And I believe that's the key. This looking within, this mirror metaphor. Looking at ourselves, basically. And that is the foundation where effective, healthy, and rewarding parenting starts. This inside-out process of healing, this recognizing our own needs, recognizing what might be missing within ourselves, and being willing to face it, be willing to speak to it, deal with it, and heal from it. That's what we want. We want to give our children the best chance, as I say over and over again, of living in their full potential. And while we aren't taking all the credit for all the good in their life, or all the blame for wrong things in their life, but we must recognize that our influence on them, especially in their early years as infants and toddlers, does play a huge role in their future. So listen as I read a couple of excerpts from Alice Miller's book. The first is from The Drama of the Gifted Child. In order to become whole, we must try in a long process to discover our own personal truth, a truth that may cause pain before giving us a new spear of freedom. If we choose instead to content ourselves with intellectual wisdom, we will remain in the sphere of illusion and self-deception. The damage done to us during our childhood cannot be undone, since we cannot change anything in our past. We can, however, change ourselves. We can repair ourselves and gain our lost integrity by choosing to look more closely at the knowledge that is stored inside our bodies and bringing this knowledge closer to our awareness. This path, although certainly not easy, is the only route by which we can at least leave behind the cruel, invisible prison of our childhood. We become free by transforming ourselves from unaware victims of the past into responsible individuals in the present who are aware of our past and are thus able to live with it. Most people do exactly the opposite. Without realizing that the past is constantly determining their present actions, they avoid learning anything about their history. They continue to live in their repressed childhood situation, ignoring the fact that it no longer exists. They are continuing to fear and avoid dangers that, although once real, have not been real for a long time. They are driven by unconscious memories and by repressed feelings and needs that determine nearly everything they do or fail to do. The repression of brutal abuse experienced during childhood drives many people to destroy their lives and the lives of others. Now, that is very insightful. Maybe not for everybody. I could say it was true in my life, and maybe it's true in your life, but Let me read the positive. And we're talking about the influence now as parents as we face these inner needs and the effect that it can have for the good on our kids. This is from her book, The Untouched Key. Alice Miller. People whose integrity has not been damaged in childhood, who were protected, respected, and treated with honesty by their parents, will be Both in their youth and adulthood, intelligent, responsive, empathic, and highly sensitive. They will take pleasure in life and will not feel any need to kill or even hurt others or themselves. They will use their power to defend themselves but not to attack others. They will not be able to do otherwise than to respect and protect those weaker than themselves, including their children, because this is what they have learned from their own experience, and because it is this knowledge and not the experience of cruelty that has been stored up inside them from the beginning.

Wow!

That is some powerful stuff right there, and I hope it is helpful to you and encouraging to you. And if this episode hit close to home, that's a good thing, because growth starts when we stop blaming the behavior in front of us and start asking, what is this moment trying to teach Me. And that is the crux of Parents on a Mission. That's what it's all about. That has been my motive from the beginning— for parents to look within and be willing to learn and grow. And how do you grow? You can read that in my book. You can read that or learn that by listening to these podcasts, or Take a parents on a mission course online on my website, Richard R Ramos dot com. You can go through the whole process at your own leisure, or if there's a parent on a mission class in your community, take those classes. So in next week's episode, we'll talk about what to do when your kids are not responding to this growth that you've been working on, and how we can keep showing up anyway, leading and loving even when. The results aren't immediate. Until then, I remind you, mom and dad, stepmom, stepdad, you are not alone. You are not powerless, and your presence, your growth matters more than you know. You've been listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast. Please subscribe, share this episode, leave a review. Ask me questions in an email, and always remember: Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents; it's for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.

So that's it for today's episode of the Parent Whisperer Podcast. Head on over to Spotify, Apple, wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week that posts a review on Apple Podcasts. Will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a $10,000 private VIP day with Richard himself. Be sure to head on over to parentwhispererpodcast.com and pick up a free copy of Richard's gift and join us on the next episode.