Ep 44: What to Do When Your Disconnected Child Doesn’t Respond

If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

Hello everybody, I'm Richard Ramos and welcome to the Parent Whisperer podcast. Today in this episode, I want to continue in our series From Understanding to Impact: Living What We Teach. So this will be part 2, talking about when your kids don't respond, keep leading without losing heart. Now as a reminder, in episode 1 we talked about the mirror first, how our children's behavior can reflect our own growth needs, our own growth gaps. But today we're speaking to something that goes even deeper— what to do when your child or your stepchild doesn't respond even though you have been consistent in your efforts to reconnect, build the bridge of communication, and/or trying to heal a broken relationship. How we address this issue is important because it makes the difference between trying to control our kids, which usually leads to outward conformity. But remember that outward conformity is not the same as inward respect and healthy influence. Outward conformity will only last so long until your kids get old enough and big enough to defy you and disrespect your parental authority, a topic that I address in my books and in my online online POM course. You can find that out at my website and take the course at your own leisure at richardrramos.com. So in this episode, I want to encourage you in your resilience in building that emotional maturity for your parent leadership, because you might be loving them, you apologize, You pour into them and still they pull away, they shut down, or worse, they act like they don't even care. And if you've ever felt invisible as a parent, ineffective, or heartbroken in this role, well, join the crowd. Because it just— as a stepparent especially, it's just common. So let's see what we can learn together in this episode. First, let's not assume that a child's silence or withdrawal is about rejecting you. They could be protecting themselves, especially in blended families where you might be the second or third parent replacement. If not that, and you are the biological parent, Sometimes we have hurt our kids in one way or another, and maybe for the second, third, or fourth time. So we need to reflect on how we may have experienced the same thing in a relationship and how it caused us to pull back, just like our kids are pulling back now from us. We've been through that, and we reserved Our trust as a way of protecting ourselves because we were burned. If you've ever been hurt in a relationship, or burned, as I said, that you really cared about, then you understand your kids, and you understand how that can happen, how they can be pulling away because they're protecting themselves. And you see, what's happened is that your children have learned. That attachment can equal pain. Again, there's been a divorce, there's been separation. This could be the second or third relationship that their parent is in, and they get attached, but then it gets broken. They get attached again, but then it you know the relationship ends with the parents. So now they're pulling away, and what I'm saying is that when they do that, it's not always rebellion. It might. Just be self-preservation. Let me give you an example. I recently went through this with one of my adult children. In a moment of misunderstanding, I blurted out words that were very painful and that wounded her deeply. And when these things happen, we have to understand that's like putting a crack in their safe space that will need to be patched. It needs to be reconciled. It needs to be healed. So, if we find our child pulling away or resistant to our apology and our efforts to mend their heart, it's not so much about rejection as it is self-preservation. So the key point here is instead of internalizing their silence as failure or rejection, interpret it as feedback where we may have stepped out of bounds in our relationship with them, sometimes without realizing just how far out of bounds we are. Another key principle is to continue to lead and respond with what Dr. Friedman calls non-anxious presence. This means we don't become so emotionally fused and reactive to our child's behavior and allow it to undermine our ability to lead. Because the moment your child's indifference shakes you up or rattles your identity, you've handed over your emotional center. To them. So in other words, don't mirror their shutdown. Don't withdraw love just because they did. Hold your ground with grace. Again, as Dr. Friedman says, don't chase, don't panic, don't perform. That's the kind of leadership that your child or stepchild needs Even when they act like they don't want it. Your calm is more powerful than your control. And in moments of resistance, when you and I as parents can stay grounded, that's how we win influence. That long-term influence that we want as our children get older and older. Now, in the example that I shared about my daughter and I, When I reached out to her and asked her if we could get together for lunch and talk, I took that opportunity to apologize to her very sincerely. But I could tell she was still hurt, resistant, and sad. And that's the hard part because I wanted it to be over. I wanted it to be fixed. I wanted it to be resolved right then and there because I was feeling so guilty and so terrible. So in other words, my anxiety caused the situation— well, almost caused the situation to become about me and my needs and my feelings of guilt. And I wanted it to be resolved. But I was able to stay calm. I stayed grounded. And I kept my focus on her and her need, and I just allowed the process to unfold. Now, that was many months ago, and true to the effectiveness of these principles that I'm sharing, all is well. Everything's great again. So But the situation that I'm talking about with you, it's more about your smaller children. You know, my daughter, she's an adult. But when we're dealing with smaller children that are resisting us in this way that I'm talking about, we have to remember the importance of that attachment. A child is not going to follow someone they're not attached to. And in times like this, it's important to remember That our influence is about connection, not control. So when they don't respond, another thing we got to think about— it may not be necessarily a behavioral issue. It may be the result of needing to establish or re-establish your attachment with them. And this speaks to the important lesson I teach in Parents on a Mission called the home filled advantage. And I would recommend that you go back to episodes 9, 10, and 11 and listen to that teaching about the importance I talk about of the attachment, establishing that attachment in the first moments of birth and especially in years 1 and 2. You know, as a parent, sometimes we want this quick obedience. from our children. But obedience without attachment just creates compliance without connection. And as I said, it usually doesn't last very long. So, the best path to take here is to think about how to connect deeper and focus on things like shared experiences, that our presence is— it's about that, not performing. Small repeated moments of connection matter more than one big breakthrough. Like I was saying, I wanted that big breakthrough when I was having lunch with my daughter. It didn't happen. But over time, and just me focusing on her and not performing, but just small experiences, you know, that's what brings the healing and the influence and the reconciliation. I like what Stephen Covey says. He talks about not withdrawing from the emotional bank account. And what he means by emotional bank account is that every interaction that we have with our kids is a deposit or a withdrawal from our relationship account with our children. And when your child seems indifferent or cold, the temptation is to withdraw. Emotionally, relationally, even physically. But that's when you need to keep investing, making those deposits, small deposits like listening without fixing, just showing up with no demands, praising with no strings attached, a short hug, small hug, a high five, something like that. If you're familiar with Stephen Covey and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, in this case, 7 Habits of Highly Effective Parents, what I'm saying It's practicing that fifth habit that he talks about, which is to seek first to understand, then to be understood. That's a really powerful principle to practice in this situation that I'm talking about when our kids are indifferent, they're pulling away, they're resisting all of those things. And finally, what I learned from Dr. Lindsay Gibson in her book on the emotional immaturity of adults. She says that the emotional unavailability of our children is not about you. It's your child's, or stepchild's in this case, emotional walls. They may not be personal. This might be developmental, trauma-related, or survival-based. Because again, if they've been through broken family, You know, that may be where all this is coming from. So in ending this episode, here are some questions I want to leave you with that you can think about over the next few days. Number 1, where am I taking my child's silence or resistance personally when it may not be about me? Number 2, how can I become more of a non-anxious presence in our home? Third, what small deposits can I make this week into the emotional bank account of the child who seems the most disconnected? And number 4, what unresolved need in me is triggered when they don't respond? Loving a child who doesn't respond can be one of the most painful But also a very sacred act of your parent leadership. And if you can stay grounded, stay connected, and be faithful, you become the presence in their life that they learn to trust. All right, so let's look forward to next week's episode. I'm going to shift from the parent-child dynamic to the adult dynamic. And what happens when co-parenting in a blended family and adult tensions become disruptive with biological parents? You've been listening to the Parent Whisperer Podcast. I'm Richard Ramos. Make sure to subscribe, leave a review, send me your questions and comments. And for more resources on parent leadership, you can visit my website, Richard R Ramos dot com. And if this episode encouraged you, share it with someone else who's walking in this same journey and tell them what I always tell you, that Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It is for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.

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