Ep 45: How to Handle Stepparent Clashes

If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

Hello everybody, I'm Richard Ramos and welcome to the Parent Whisperer Podcast. Today in this episode, I want to continue in our series From Understanding to Impact: Living What We Teach and talk about what happens when stepparents and bio parents collide or clash. So we're going to talk about in this episode this issue because it is one of the most emotionally complex and under-addressed realities in family and blended life. When the adults who are around the child or children are in conflict or simply just not aligned and not on the same page, and there's just a lot of— oh, difficult interaction, let's call it. And that's just part of the reality of separation, divorce, and broken families. And then coming together in another relationship in a blended situation or stepparent situation. But what's important to remember, and I say remember because as adults we know that our kids are affected by the situation. But oftentimes our actions don't support what our kids are going through because of these ongoing clashes that we're having with the other parent. So it's easy to get caught up in our own struggles as a stepparent trying to form a new family or a bio parent trying to accept the fact That another person is now raising their children or having influence with their children and things like that. It's hard stuff. There's no question about it. And some handle it better than others. And if the 2 sets of parents can't get along, or at least be cordial, it's often the child or the children and the stepparent in the situation who end up absorbing all that emotional fallout. And it just adds to the mix. So let's talk about some of the things that happen, some of the obstacles, some of the clashes, and some of the things that our kids are dealing with along with what the parents are and stepparents are dealing with in these collisions. Or clashings, if whatever the right word is. You know what I'm talking about. Now, one of the things that holds kids back is the issue of loyalty, because they don't want to buy into the new stepparent or to the new step blended family, the new stepkids, new stepsiblings. Because they feel it's disloyal to the other parent. They have a sense of guilt, and that is completely understandable. And that's why expecting immediate unity or agreement is unrealistic, you know, between the parents, because either the kids are in the middle of it, and there's all these emotions, and Wanting to be loyal to mom, wanting to be loyal to dad, but mom and dad are no longer together. And so now there's this new adult, this new stepparent into in the picture, and it's just unrealistic for us to think that you know this kids are going to just buy into this new situation, especially when they see the clashing that's going on and that we're not accepting the new family situation. Say, as the bio parent, and I'm giving my ex-wife a hard time with her new situation, or I'm giving my ex-husband a hard time because of his new family situation. And when that kind of clash is happening on a consistent basis, which usually happens at the beginning of a divorce, and then the— or the ending, I should say, of the marriage. But the beginning of the new situation. It's just understandable. But my point is that it encourages kids not to buy in or accept the new parent. And in the long run, that has a negative effect on them and the blended family situation. So loyalty is one of those— it's a big issue, something that we got to remember and be aware of. Be realistic about it, and just be aware that when we're having these conflicts and these clashes, that's one of the things that's going to hurt our kids. You know, almost forcing them to choose sides, which we don't want them to feel like they have to choose sides. Another thing is the issue of authority, and the bio parent, the biological parent. is always going to fight— well, I should say most always going to fight— for their right to have their say in the life of their kids. And that, and that's rightfully so. They should feel just because they got divorced or separated, that doesn't mean they're out of the picture of having authority and some say-so in the life of their child or children. But to undermine their ex and his new partner, that doesn't do anything for the child because the child is the one living in that new situation on a daily basis. So again, it's understandable that we're— we want say-so in the life of our children. We want to have authority. But at the same time, the new parent, it's hard enough trying to exercise our authority as the new parent. And so again, this issue of who, who has the final say now with the kids, it becomes a real clash. That was one of my big mistakes that I experienced, an area I feel like I failed big time. Before I understood or knew anything about how to handle these situations, you know, with emotional maturity, which is the key to handling all of these things I'm mentioning. But I was young and I didn't know or understand that. And, you know, I was trying to have influence by correcting my wife's kids at the time. And we weren't even married yet, but I thought I was doing her a favor. Because of the way her kids were treating her, they were very disrespectful and disobedient. And you know again, putting myself in their shoes this many years later, of course, you know they were rebelling. They weren't happy that their parents were getting divorced and all that, or got divorced. But I wasn't thinking about any of that. All I was seeing was, man, you shouldn't be talking to your mother that way. And your mother's asking you to do something, and you're not doing it. You know, and here I am trying to. you know, help her out. But what I was doing was I was trying to exercise authority in their life, and I hadn't earned that yet. So that was a big, you know, lesson for me, this whole issue of authority, that learning that, you know, the other parent still has the right to speak up and say whatever. And my place at that time was just to not be trying to exercise authority. And it's a hard balance because ultimately, eventually, you're going to have to step in, especially if the wife or the husband in that case, but in my case it was the wife, wants your help. Now I understand sometimes the other parent doesn't want you as the new step parent to exercise authority or discipline. They want you to just stay out of it and deal with your own kids if you have kids. I'll deal with my kids. That happens. But in the case where they want your help, they want you to exercise authority, that's a tough dance, especially in the very beginning. And there has to be some very clear boundaries, hopefully, that the ex- parent can understand. They don't always understand, and they don't even want to hear about it. But this is an issue. It causes a lot of clashing, a lot of arguing about who has, you know, the final say around things like school and sports and money and vacations and Christmas and, you know, Thanksgiving and all of those kinds of things. So, that, that's another area that we have to be careful in. Parenting styles, you know, the conflict with the bio dad and bio mom navigating different parenting styles, that's always very difficult. They see things one way, you see things another way. And sometimes the kids play that against the parents. Like they get permission from one parent because they know the other one always says no. Or the challenge of the parent whose kids don't live with them. And then they— so they— when the kids do come over there, they allow them to basically do whatever they want, you know, wanting to be the cool parent. And things that You know, the other parent doesn't even know about. So, you know, then sometimes the kids, you know, they get upset and say, "Well, I want to go live with my dad," or "I want to go live with my mom." They don't. They let me do this and let me do that. And you know, the parenting styles. So there's a lot of clash there sometimes with, you know, maybe you're more lenient and she's more strict, or she's more permissive and you're more disciplinarian. But yeah, now you're divorced. You don't live together anymore. And so the kids are visiting over there, but they're living. with you. And those parenting styles can really cause a lot of clashing and, again, arguing and things like that. So again, the key there, as much as possible, is to try to establish some clear boundaries and not have the unrealistic expectation from our kids or from the ex-spouses. You know, we know they're not going to agree to every boundary that we want to set, or even the in-laws.

Right.

You know, can get involved. But as much as possible, if we can establish some clear boundaries, and then that helps alleviate some of these continual ongoing clashes between the stepparents and bio parents. Another thing to be aware of when our— us— when we as adults are clashing It can show up in our kids acting out in one way or another. So this is when what Dr. Friedman calls the non-anxious presence is so important because, you know, we don't want to act out in these clashes in front of our children. And if we can exercise that non-anxious presence when, you know, it's obvious that things are— there's tension, But our kids are there. So it's not always easy to do. And I haven't always handled it right myself. I can't say I have. But I, as the more I learned about it, the more I grew in my emotional maturity, the more I grew in having that non-anxious presence and just staying quiet and observing when, you know, I wanted to step in and say something. It definitely has made a difference in handling throughout the years, these different and difficult family dynamics of these clashes that I'm talking about. So, with all these different— and I'm not naming everything, I'm just making the point about how we have these clashes. You know, I know if you're listening to this and you've been through this, there's just so many different things that happen and dynamics that happen and causing arguments and All these things that are just, they're not healthy for us. They're not healthy for the kids. But they happen. So, with all these different situations, what we want to provide for our kids is a home environment of emotional safety. As Dr. Becky Kennedy says, you don't have to agree to be aligned. And that's a really good statement. You don't have to agree. Your kids don't have to agree with everything. You don't have to be in agreement with your ex-spouse in everything to be aligned to do what's best for the kids. Or as Stephen Covey says, we can learn to agree to disagree agreeably. And that requires emotional maturity so that I can disagree in an agreeable manner. a cordial manner. Because it's inevitable that with our new family situation, our new spouse and new kids, new stepkids, ex-spouses, extended family members, we're never going to see eye to eye on a number of things. They're just going to be, you know, these differences. But the alignment is, the mission is For our children, to give them the best chance to deal with the reality of the situation, to help bring some healing to their heart and mind, and hopefully they can still flourish and go on and reach their own personal potential in spite of what happened with their mother. And father. Because clashing that I'm talking about is simply part of the reality we have to accept in this divorce, stepfamily, blended family situation. And providing psychological safety can be a huge help for our kids. And what I mean by psychological safety is that our kids know That if they act out, they can come and talk to us. If they make mistakes, they can talk to us. If they make bad decisions, we're not going to freak out. And they know that. And that gives them psychological safety. They see that we understand. We have empathy. That they can talk to us and they can be open with us. And so, they feel safe at home. And you never know, they might be getting bullied or talked about or made fun of when their friends and, you know, people at school and their peers find out that, oh, your dad, you know, had an affair, or your mom and dad are getting divorced, or, oh, they're not even living together anymore, they're separate, you know. And the kids go through that pressure. Not everybody's real nice about that when they find out that your parents, you know, are no longer Together. So, let me end by saying that when stepparents and bio parents collide, we can practice 3 important principles in addition to what I already mentioned. Number 1, navigate these complex adult dynamics by consistently working on ourselves. That's the key, that we are consistently growing in emotional maturity because we know these things are going to happen. Number 2, Stay mission-focused for our children, even when the adult dynamics are difficult or maybe even toxic. And number 3, maintain clear boundaries and have a long-term mindset or thinking when we feel like we're caught between households or value systems. I'm Richard Ramos. You've been listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast. Subscribe, leave a review, send me your questions, and share this episode with any other friend or family member that you know are going through these type of clashes. And for more resources, you can visit my website. I have an online course you can take. The Parents on a Mission course, it's online. My books are there on my website, richardrramos.com. And always remember, mom and dad, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It is for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.

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