Ep 47: How to Navigate The Holidays in Blended Families - Part 1

If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

Hey everybody, it's Richard Ramos, and welcome to the Parent Whisperer podcast. Since we are heading into the holiday season, I thought I would take the next couple of episodes to do my best to help parents, single parents, divorced parents, stepparents, and blended families navigate the holidays, where a lot of times we are dealing with family, exes, and extended family drama. Hopefully not, but oftentimes that's what Happens. I mean, we're diving into one of the most emotionally loaded topics of the year when we hit the holidays, because if we're being honest, what's supposed to feel like family, food, and faith often turns into frustration, fake smiles, and old fights. So it's not just a holiday, it's like a battlefield of all these expectations. But it doesn't have to be that way. And hopefully, I can help you protect your peace, show up with love, and not lose your mind. Now, let me stop right here and say I'm not assuming everyone listening to this podcast has any of these issues. Some families look forward to the holidays and don't have any drama to deal with, and that is wonderful. But maybe you know someone who does, And if what I share seems helpful, you can share these next couple of episodes with them. So, all right. Why do holidays trigger our emotions? I mean, have you ever thought about when you hear, you know, the words, it's holidays are coming, or we're going to have Christmas this year at so-and-so, with the Christmas dinner at so-and-so's house, and all of a sudden you start to kind of tighten up and all these Anxiety and thoughts go through your mind, like oh my God, what's going to happen this year? And do we really have to be there? And all that kind of stuff. And you know, that's holidays carry a lot of memories and expectations, emotion, things like that. For many of us though, especially if we're trying to break generational cycles, holidays become a battlefield. Between who we were raised by and who we're trying to become now, and maybe some old wounds, maybe dealing with exes, and possibly feeling of loneliness if you're single. And you walk in wanting peace, but somehow you end up in the same role that you've already outgrown. The peacemaker, the fixer, the quiet one, the keep-it-all-together one. But let me just say this carefully and lovingly: you don't owe your old family dynamic your new peace. And just because these are our family members and relatives, it doesn't mean that they get to violate our boundaries. So just keep that in mind. A lot of times what happens is we feel emotionally trapped in these family obligations, like if I don't show up, they're going to talk about me. If I speak up, I'll be seen as the problem. If I say no, I'm being disrespectful. But none of that necessarily needs to be true. Because the truth is that we can honor our values without sacrificing our peace. I mean, you're not being the bad guy by protecting your peace. Actually, you're being the grown-up, and you're demonstrating breaking the cycle that's just been kind of— might have been going on and on. So there's other things, you know, that go on during the holidays that we could be dealing with. I can't name them all, but I'm sure some of you, you know what I'm talking about. But let me give you 3 things that I teach and that I use and have used over the years in my own family because of all the different dynamics and growth in our blended family throughout the years, dealing with, you know, different in-laws, different extended family members, different scenarios. And situations. So, what I've learned, number one, is to check my emotional temper before I even leave the house. Now, a lot— most of the time, we are the ones that are hosting the holiday, Christmas, and dinner, and things like that. But we also go visit other places, other families, family members, etc. So sometimes the thing to do is to just check in with yourself before you— if you know you're going into a potential situation like I'm talking about, check in with yourself. How do I want to feel after I leave? And where am I at emotionally right now? And Just telling myself, I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to get into this conversation. I'm not going to do that. And just before you even get there, you have a game plan. You have your peace, and you, you're not going to allow yourself to be triggered this time, and you're just prepared. So you check your emotional temperature. Where are you at? Secondly, You know, set a respectful boundary. You can say something like this: look, I love you. You know, if you get started getting into politics or, you know, whatever it is, you know that's not going to go anywhere healthy. So something like, I— look, I love you, but I'm not here for that. I'm not available for that kind of energy today. I just want to enjoy my time with the family. I don't want to argue. I don't have anything to defend and nothing to prove. So something like that said calmly and clearly, and just the one time, and you're setting the boundary. We don't have to debate it. You just set that boundary. And I know that takes courage, but it's necessary if you want to avoid getting drawn into that argument. And third thing is have an exit plan. You know, you might have to Think about, you know, how long are we going to stay? I don't want to be there all night. Let's talk about it. We're going to show up early, we're going to leave a little, you know, earlier, or we're going to show up, you know, a little later. Not— but we don't want to be there all night, or I don't want to be there all night. Another thing, you know, let's take 2 cars so I can leave if I need to. And maybe— again, I don't— There's a lot of situations You take what I'm saying, and if it works for you, great. But I know sometimes, you know, you if you may just have to leave, and so it's a good idea to plan that ahead of time. And if you can, you take two cars. Hopefully nothing happens, but at least you're prepared if it does. And another thing you might want to set right away is something like, hey, we're going to spend part of the day with you, but then we have some other things that we want to go do. So you know. Just letting you know now. And, you know, we don't have to make excuses. We just want to be clear. And I know sometimes that's hard to say to our family, whoever it might be. But again, you want to maintain your peace. You've been building your family or your situation, or personally you've been growing, and you know that at times it's been toxic during the holidays. And you want to be able to have the courage to maintain your peace, set these boundaries, have an exit plan, and just be clear about it. So, in conclusion, let me just say something to all you parents, stepparents, single parent, divorced parent, who you feel guilty for wanting this space that I'm talking about. But I just want to say to you, whatever dynamic you're in your family, you are not wrong for wanting peace. You're not being selfish for needing these boundaries that I'm talking about, and you're not dishonoring your family by maintaining the healing that you've been working on and wanting to stay in that place. The truth is, many of us are raising children, and yet we're still recovering from some of the stuff that went in our own childhood. And the holidays sometimes can be like a mirror because they show us where we've grown, which is a good thing, but sometimes they also show us where we still need grace to grow. So let's just take the pressure off ourselves this holiday season, and remember, you don't need to host the perfect dinner. You don't need to fix so-and-so's political opinions. You don't need to smile through somebody who's being passive-aggressive with you. Let's make our greatest gift this season not the enchilada casserole, but let's make it our calm Our clarity and our courage. And remember that the holidays can be an opportunity to practice your transformation. Just keep that in mind. Now listen, if this episode has hit home— and I know this is a touchy subject— but if it's hit home, please share it with others you know that could use the guidance and encouragement. And that's just My whole goal is just to give a little guidance, a little encouragement if you're in the situation I described. Now, in our next episode, I'm going to talk about how to co-parent through the holidays without losing your kids or your cool. So that's it for this episode, short and sweet. Subscribe, leave a review, send your questions or your comments, agree or disagree with what I'm saying, and remember that for more resources on parent leadership, you can always go to my website. Don't forget my new Parents on a Mission online course. You could go there, check that out, and you can take the whole course— 16 videos, short videos, 10 to 12 minutes each. You can just sit there at your own pace and watch them at your leisure and learn all the different things that we talk about in Parents on a Mission. So Happy holidays to you. Happy Thanksgiving. Merry Christmas. And always remember, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It is for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.

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