Ep 48: How to Co-parent During The Holidays - Part 2

If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

Hey everybody, I'm Richard Ramos, and welcome back to. The Parent Whisperer Podcast, where we're doing our best to lead your home with emotional maturity, spiritual purpose, and generational healing. And I want to continue on with our theme for the holidays, how to navigate through the holidays. And in this episode, I'm going to talk about navigating as a blended family and co-parenting. Through the holidays without losing our kids or our cool. Now, if you missed episode 1 or part 1 of this 2-part series, go back and listen. We talked about how to protect your peace during family gatherings. But today we're going to go a little deeper, and I'm going to focus a little bit more on the blended family stepparent situation, especially if you're a new blended family or in a new relationship, and now it's holiday season. Because sometimes it just can feel really hard if there's tension. And, you know, it's almost like a loyalty test or a time bomb, a tightrope that we're walking all at once. So let's talk about how to create the peace when the holiday schedule looks like a custody negotiation, and how to lead when everyone's carrying a lot of emotional baggage to the table. So let's get into it. Number 1, why holidays are so hard in blended and co-parenting homes. Well, I know what this is like and I've dealt with it myself. So just in being honest, the hardest part of the holidays isn't really the logistics, it's the emotion behind the logistics. Where are we going to go? Whose house? Whose family? What tradition are we going to follow, etc.? And when you're co-parenting or step-parenting or trying to blend households, the holidays become a collision of wounds, unmet expectation, unspoken fears, and all these other things that come into play. I've seen it over and over again. For example, a single mom doing everything she can to hold the family together, juggling her kids' feelings, her stepchild's loyalty tug-of-war, an ex who's passive-aggressive, and a partner who's kind of checked out, you know, not really helping, doesn't want to get involved. And then she's asking herself, why do I feel like I'm the only adult in the room? That's just an example. But it's a real example, and that's why we need to talk about this, and not from a place of judgment, but from a place of real help and real hope and hopefully real healing. So the real issues behind the holiday conflict: number one, kids are in a loyalty bind, right? I mean, they don't want to betray mom by loving stepmom or enjoy time with dad without worrying that mom might feel abandoned. So we shouldn't look at that as misbehavior. It's just emotional confusion, the pressure that happens with the kids when we have these divided households during the holiday season. Secondly, sometimes our exes are often operating from fear, not logic. They're not, you know, thinking clearly what's best for the kids. They're afraid that they're being replaced now, and they are afraid that they're going to look like the bad parent if they don't do this or give that or buy this or go here. You know, that is also going on during the holidays. Traditions. That carry a lot of weight and a lot of emotion. So, if we're trying to start new ones, it can feel like we're erasing the past, even though we're not trying to do that. But it can feel that way to the kids or to your partner, your spouse, even if the past was painful. And that's why change— when we're bringing change, we're bringing it with compassion, not just controlling everything, but having compassion about what happened before and, you know, our background. And just Just being empathetic to those kinds of things, especially for the kids. And another thing, as a stepparent, you can often feel invisible. I mean, I felt that way, like I'm not— I don't even count, I'm not even noticed, you know, maybe people resent me, maybe they don't want me there. And when we don't have a voice, but we do have responsibility, You know, that can cause a lot of bitterness and a lot of burnout and just kind of ruin the time you're trying to have a good time during the holiday. So let's talk a little bit more about some of these wounds and see if we can apply some wisdom here. So I'm going to say there's 3 different things. There's a lot of different strategies, but these are— I'm just trying to keep this short and to the point and practical. strategies that we can use during the holiday season, especially if we're feeling torn and we're tired of this, you know, every year, and it's just triggering your emotions, things like that. So first of all, try to create a co-parenting peace plan. This isn't about getting our ex to be reasonable necessarily, But it's about trying to create clarity for the sake of the kids. So, we can ask ourselves, you know, what do the kids need most to feel good about this, to feel safe? Because we already know there's all these things, emotions going on. So, what can we do to help them feel safe, to feel good? What messages are we unintentionally sending By all this, you know, back and forth and arguing and getting upset. And a question that I need to ask myself is, what can I let go of that's about my ego and not their well-being? And when we come to talk to our kids about what's going to happen, especially when they're younger kids, is to reassure them You know, that we both parents love— we may not say it together, but separately, we love you, and we're doing our best to make sure that we have a fun, peaceful holiday. And hopefully planning ahead will help the whole situation for the sake of the kids, and for our own sake too. But, you know, we're trying to make it fun for them. Another thing we want to do is honor the past even though we're trying to create a new future. New traditions don't need to erase the old ones. We can just build on them. Whatever the kids were used to, whatever your spouse was used to, whatever I was used to, and maybe with blended family my kids were used to, we can just build on that. It doesn't have to erase the old traditions. We can have a combination. And you know, even though we might say we're going to try something new, but we're doing it because this home that this space we're building in our new blended family, we just want to combine everything. So this is new, but we're not going to forget the old. And third, as a stepparent. Step into the role you have, not the one you want. I know that's hard. Like I said, I'm sharing this from a personal perspective. I don't go through these things anymore, but I remember we used to, and I remember how it feels. You want to, you know, be in a certain place, but we haven't earned it yet, maybe. So whatever role I have, that's the one I'm gonna— Work through and not maybe the one I want, and I'm just gonna be grateful. And maybe I'm not being shown any gratefulness. I don't have any authority. Maybe I don't feel like I belong because of the way I'm being treated. But what's important for me to have, even in spite of those things, if I'm not being shown appreciation and things like that. Is to have influence. That is the goal. If I can maintain my grace, if I can maintain my ego, meaning you know humbling myself basically, in the long run, what that did for me is it gave me influence. And as time went on, I could see that my stepchildren were beginning to listen to me more and beginning to include me more, and just things just. Slowly began to just soften and get better and better and better. So my focus was to build trust, to show integrity, not control, and just trying to have calm, happy times during the holidays. What does leadership look like in this kind of situation? And what I'm encouraging you as a stepdad or stepmom is to work on your influence, work on your integrity, work on your humility. And in the long run, you're going to see over time your children are going to buy into the new blended family, and things are going to just get better and better and better. Remember that sometimes the strongest leader in the family is the one who doesn't need to be seen or shape everything that goes on. And that's what I call parenting with emotional maturity. I don't need to be in control of everything to be in charge of everything. As a father, as a stepfather, as the man of the home, as the provider, I know that I'm in charge of everything, but I do not need to be in control of everything. And if you keep that humble mind, that servant leadership mindset during the holidays when things are a little rough, I'm telling you that's going to pay dividends down the road. Now one more thing that happens sometimes is When you and your partner are not on the same page and you feel like your partner is part of the problem because they're not cooperating, and maybe they're avoiding conflict, maybe they don't back you up with the kids, maybe you've talked about this a million times but nothing changes. So again, here's what I'll say about that. Unity doesn't always mean agreement. It means alignment. So we can agree to disagree in an agreeable manner and be in alignment for the sake of the kids, if that makes sense to you. You don't have to think the same way about everything, but we do need to speak with the same voice in front of our kids. That's important. And if they're not ready to engage, then we still can lead without lashing out about it. So leadership in the home starts with whoever chooses to grow first. That might be you, and that's not weakness. That's legacy building, a blended family. And bringing everybody into harmony and ultimately into happiness. So let me end by saying, you know, some of you that are listening to this, this may not make any sense to you if you're not in these situations, and I understand that. But remember, you may know somebody who is dealing with these kinds of situations. So if you do, And this insights that I'm giving and just very simple practical ways of dealing with things, if you feel that'll help them, share this episode with them. Because you know we're trying to create that connection. We're trying to have calm when there's tension in you know in the blended family, and we just want to try to keep the peace. So let me say again to all the parents listening to this, whatever situation you're in. You are not invisible, even though it may feel like it. But you are building something that may not show up on social media, you know, whatever, but it will show up in your kids and in your family. And that's what matters. The work that you're doing now, creating that calm, speaking life to the situation, being a light, being a non-anxious presence. Being humble, you know, holding that line with unconditional love— that is sacred work. And it doesn't matter who gets the credit. You may not get the credit, and sometimes people aren't cooperating with you, but you will create change. And that is what Parents on a Mission is all about. Things don't have to be perfect. We don't have to fix everyone. But we do need to show up with wisdom and calm and love, and that will be enough. So again, short and sweet. That's what these 2 episodes were about, just trying to give a little help for the holiday season. If these episodes have been helpful to you, share them with others that you know are struggling with the holidays. And don't forget, there are always more resources on my website. My new online Parents on a Mission online course is there on the website. You can read all about it, watch the videos that explain what Parents on a Mission is all about. And again, I want to take this opportunity to thank you for listening, wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, a Merry Christmas, happy holidays. And always remember that Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents, bad stepparents, or bad blended situations. It is for good parents who want to get better. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next time.

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