In this episode of the Parent Whisperer Podcast, host Richard R. Ramos reads a heartfelt letter written by a woman inmate who, after participating in a forgiveness exercise during a parent‑on‑admission class, chose to release her anger toward her biological mother. Ramos uses the letter as a springboard to explore the transformative power of forgiveness within parent‑child relationships. He frames forgiveness as a deliberate, skill‑based choice that must be learned, practiced, and nurtured, citing historical figures such as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, and a psychologist named Dr. Taylor. The episode outlines three experiential dimensions of forgiveness—being forgiven, forgiving others, and self‑forgiveness—while addressing common barriers like the “I can’t/won’t forgive” mindset. Ramos clarifies the distinction between forgiveness (free) and trust (earned), employs an “emotional wheelchair” analogy to illustrate the limiting nature of unforgiveness, and connects forgiveness to his broader four‑step parent‑leadership framework (self‑knowledge, thought‑life, choices, forgiveness). The episode concludes with a preview of the next topic, a call to subscribe, and promotional details for a listener giveaway.
If you're a parent looking for practical, sound, solid advice in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.
A letter to a biological mother. I want you to know that I have never claimed you as my mother. The way I see it is you have never done anything to earn that title. Allow me to explain. When you remarried a single man with 3 kids, making us all one big Brady Bunch, I was only 2 years old, the youngest of us all. You never stuck up for me. To him or his 3 spoiled, bratty children. They were always right, I was always wrong, so I grew up being called a liar and never having a voice. Your desire to win their acceptance as wife and new mother was at the expense of never having a relationship with me. They were very cruel to me and And you were all I had to protect me, but you didn't. You are a coward. Even to this day, you are still bowing down to him. Luckily for me, my real father's girlfriend stepped up and became a mother to me, and I've been blessed to grow into the kind and loving woman I am today. That's why I'm writing you this letter to release the anger I've been holding against you in my heart so I may grow more in maturity. I do have a love for you because, to be honest with myself, I'm not perfect and have made many mistakes that I'm now paying for, as I am sure you are also. So I forgive you. For it all, and will keep forgiving you daily, as long as it takes. This letter is from a woman inmate who chose to be free even as she was locked up, and this leads us into this episode on the power of forgiveness. Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard Ramos, your host. The letter I read to you was given to me by a woman inmate who was in my parent on admission classes I was teaching in a women's jail. It was from an exercise I encouraged for parents. So they can break from their past and break into a better future through forgiveness. She handed me this letter the following week at the start of our next class. I read it and then was giving it back to her, but she said, no, Richard, I don't need it. I'm free, and I just wanted you to know that. So I asked her if I could use it as an illustration of the power Of forgiving. You see, the freedom to live in the power of our full potential as human beings is to forgive, and therefore this requires identifying and addressing areas in our lives where forgiveness is needed, which is the purpose of that exercise of writing the letter. So in this episode, I want to encourage you in this area of forgiveness not to deceive yourself, because it is impossible to be a human being and not be hurt or offended along the way of life. But what we do with those hurts, however, is the key to whether the hurts make us a victim Or a victor over them. You see, to forgive is really a decision of our will. I either will or I won't. It's a choice and a decision that I make. Now granted, some things are harder to forgive than others, but to be free We must forgive, and like any other skill, forgiveness must be desired, learned, demonstrated, nurtured, and continuously practiced. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies. Because of our human nature, our tendency is to hold on to unforgiveness. We like to defend and justify our decision not to forgive. But let me remind you what I'm sure you already know. Unforgiveness is at the root of so many ruined relationships. And in this context, we are talking about the parent-child relationship. And unfortunately, I've seen this unforgiving spirit destroy parent-child relationships and consequently further destroy many families. You see, if we continue to let time pass, these suppressed issues become harder to forgive, and revenge, anger, and self-deception take root in our hearts and we are no longer in control or able to function at our optimal level as a mature human being, as a mature mom and dad. But there's another aspect to this that I want to touch on here. And I learned this from my students years ago when I was the at-risk counselor at the junior high school. And that was a mistake some parents make of not communicating to their kids that they have forgiven them for one thing or another. Now think about that. And just the fact that we are unable to express forgiveness should tell us a lot about our maturity level. Now, I know that might be a hard pill to swallow, but this stuff is too important not to check ourselves in these ways. See, my students would express to me that they thought, based on the way their parent was treating them, that they still had not forgiven them for whatever it was they had done. And they were talking about things they had done wrong Weeks, months, and in some cases years ago. And what happens as time goes by, if we don't communicate forgiveness to our children, their hearts begin to harden. And as more time passes, their thoughts of not being forgiven produce feelings of rejection, guilt, and resentment towards their parents. And now they're Feelings of abandonment and shame take root in their hearts, and then we wonder why kids act out in rebellion. We need to learn this lesson and remember that unforgiven children and/or children who don't know they have been forgiven can develop angry and violent hearts. Now let's move on to the power and the principle of forgiveness. This is experienced in 3 ways. First is being forgiven by someone you hurt. This is such a liberating experience from the guilt you've been carrying because of what you did to hurt someone, especially Someone you love. How do I know this? Because I've experienced it, being forgiven by people that I hurt. Second is forgiving others who have hurt you. This is also a great feeling of relief, a feeling of lightness and liberation from that dark, Heavy, ugly spirit of bitter unforgiveness. Now I want to go a little deeper on this and talk about overcoming what I call forgiving challenges. First is the I can't forgive or I won't forgive challenge. Now I respect and understand if you might be saying to yourself. This is all well and good, Richard, but you don't understand. You weren't there. You don't know what he did, what she did, or what they did, and I just can't forgive them. Okay, you're right. I wasn't there, and I don't know everything that happened. But here's what I do know. Who's suffering? Who's still hurting from and living in and being controlled by their past? You're probably justifying it by saying, "But if I forgive, I'm letting them get away with it," or "I'm endorsing this behavior." Yeah, you're letting them get away with it. Because you continue to empower them to control you. You continue to insist on living in your past, and you're empowering them, and they are probably not even thinking about you. That's what happened to me when I was a young father, always getting angry and frustrated and intolerant when my little children would just cry. And I finally figured out that all the bitterness and resentment and unforgiveness I was holding against my dad was causing me to act out this way towards my kids. And see, my father died when I was 18 years old. And I remember at his funeral, I wasn't moved. I didn't cry. My heart was like a rock. Because of this bitterness and unforgiveness. But now, as a father, many years later, all of that resentment is coming up out of me in the way I'm treating my kids, and it was destroying my marriage as well. And what I figured out was that a dead man was controlling my life. But when I let it go and forgave, I became a different person and the father my children needed and deserved. Another issue is understanding the difference between forgiveness and trust. This sometimes helps people forgive. See, forgiveness is always free. But trust must always be earned. This helps people struggling to forgive. Once they understand that they don't have to trust the person they are forgiving. For example, let's say that your son or daughter has done something, you know, again, and then you forgive them, but then they ask you for something, maybe for money or to borrow the car or something like that, and you say no. And then they get upset. What? What? Dad, you said you love me. You said you forgave me. I do love you, son, and I do forgive you, but I don't trust you. You're going to have to earn that back. Or in cases of marriage, maybe sometimes the woman will make the man leave or vice versa, and then the person comes back and says, but honey, why won't you let me come back home? You said you forgave me. You say you love me. And you say, well, I do. I did love you and I did forgive you, but I don't trust you. You're going to have to earn that. See, and sometimes that just helps people let it go. And one more to help people get to forgiveness is an analogy that I use, um, of the emotional wheelchair. Now, what I mean by that is that we all know somebody Who is living in a wheelchair. And they're in that condition because either something happened, maybe an accident or something, or maybe they were born with some kind of condition. And that person knows that physically they will never be able to live in their full human physical potential. Because they're confined to the wheelchair. So when you choose to not forgive, you just need to understand and accept that you are choosing to live in an emotional wheelchair, and you will never live in your full human potential. It's impossible. Dr. Taylor, a psychologist, says it this way: True forgiveness is letting go of a way of life. I learned that forgiveness is the most powerful and absolute required mental shift necessary to empowering our potential. And Nelson Mandela said it like this: Resentment is like drinking poison And then hoping it will kill your enemies. And the third part of this forgiving principle and the power of it is to forgive yourself for past regrets. Now, this can be very challenging because the person or people you have hurt have not forgiven you. And the fact is, we are guilty of having committed The act that offended them. Nevertheless, remember this, hear this: we are not called to live a life of condemnation. We are not called to get stuck in or to live in our past, and therefore we can take control of our self-condemning thoughts and change them into self-affirming thoughts of forgiveness. And just in case you are a spiritual person, remember that God loves you and that He is a forgiving God. So what I've shared with you so far in these episodes are the 4 basic steps on how to grow yourself for effective parent leadership. The first thing we learned about, know yourself to grow yourself. The second thing I talked about, know the power of your thought life. The third thing was know the power of your choices. And now we're talking about knowing the power of forgiveness. And if you practice these four steps, these four principles consistently, you will see progress in your personal growth. And so will your children. Now, in our next session, we will cover one of the most important lessons for parents of young children on how we can prevent them from joining negative lifestyles. You don't want to miss this episode. I call it The Home Field Advantage. You've been listening to The Parent Whisperer Podcast, and I'm Richard Ramos. And I appreciate your time. And I want to remind you to subscribe, leave a review, and share these episodes with parent family and friends. And always remember this: Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents, but for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.
So that's it for today's episode of the Parent Whisperer Podcast. Head on over to Spotify, Apple, wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week that posts a review on Apple Podcasts will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a $10,000 private VIP day with Richard himself. Be sure to head on over to parentwhispererpodcast.com and pick up a free copy of Richard's gift. And join us on the next episode.
