Ep 9 The Home Field Advantage - Part 1

If you're a parent looking for sound, solid advice on how to raise your child in an ever-increasing dangerous world, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Richard Ramos.

The two neighborhoods. Sarah and Mike lived on the same street but had very different home experiences. Sarah's house was always buzzing with activity. Her parents made dinner together most nights, and everyone shared stories about their day. Weekend mornings meant pancakes and board games. When Sarah's friends came over, her mom would ask genuine questions about their lives and remember their answers weeks later. The family had traditions— movie nights, hiking trips, even silly dance parties in the kitchen while doing dishes. When Sarah struggled with math, her dad didn't just help with homework; he celebrated her small victories and reminded her that effort mattered more than perfection. Mike's house was quieter. His parents worked long hours and often ate separately, While checking phones. Conversations were mostly about chores or grades. Friends rarely came over because it felt awkward. His parents were polite but distant. Weekends were for catching up on work or errands. When both kids turned 15, they started getting invited to parties where older teens were drinking and experimenting with drugs. Sarah was curious, but when Friday night came, she found herself thinking, actually, I'd rather stay home and watch that new series with Mom and Dad. Her home felt more interesting than the party. Mike, however, jumped at these invitations. The parties offered something he wasn't getting at home: connection, excitement, belonging. The risky behavior was just part of the package. Saren's parents had created such a strong home-field advantage that competing influences couldn't match what she already had. Mike's parents loved him deeply, but they hadn't built that magnetic pull toward home. The difference wasn't money. Or rules. It was about making home the place their child most wanted to be. Hello everybody and welcome to the Parent Whisperer Podcast. I'm Richard Ramos. If you remember a few episodes back, I talked about the subject of loyalty and that parents shouldn't take the loyalty of their children for granted. And then shared some methods for how to win their loyalty. In this episode, I want to talk about what I call the home field advantage, which is essentially about when to begin the method, the process, or strategy of winning that loyalty, which begins with infants and small children. The The story I shared about Sarah and Mike makes this point. But it also speaks to another thing I just want to quickly point out that has to do with loyalty and the home field advantage. When I first started out with Parents on a Mission, the focus was on gang prevention, and I was writing and speaking to parents about how to prevent their children from joining gangs. Now, if you know anything about joining a gang, it's all about loyalty. And this begs the question, why would a young boy or girl pledge their loyalty, their allegiance to a gang? Back in the early '90s, when I was very involved in the gang prevention intervention arena, One of the things I would constantly be advocating, and still do, was that communities, law enforcement, schools, and other community leaders and advocates, in looking for solutions, were asking the wrong question. And I've learned that if we want to come to conclusions about effective solutions, we have to frame the question Properly. So, I would say to them, the question is not, why do kids join gangs? The question is, if you want solutions, is why do most kids not join gangs? And we find the answer in the story I shared about Sarah and Mike. Although the story is not about gangs, It is about choices to join or not join a negative lifestyle. And what made the difference in the choices they each made? It was about the home culture they were raised in. And that is what this episode is about that I call the Home-Filled Advantage. I developed this strategy because of a question parents would ask me when I was the at-risk counselor at the school working with their kids. But I didn't have an answer for the question. They would say to me, Mr. Ramos, how do I prevent my younger kids from following in the footsteps of their older brother or sister? And it really used to bother me that I really didn't have an answer. I was a young parent myself at the time, and Uh, my kids were younger and we were doing fine, and so I really didn't know how to answer that question, and it would really bother me. And I didn't want to give them a fake, you know, phony answer that just sounds good but it really isn't effective. So I, I just didn't— I said I wasn't sure, and, uh, I started to do some research, and I found a clue. The research showed me that the danger of competition for my children's loyalty, or the heaviest peer pressure for children, starts from the ages of 12 to 15 years old. See, that told me something. I said, okay, then therefore I have parents have a 12-year window of an advantage, or at least it should be an advantage, to prepare our children for this, what I call, competition for their heart, for their mind, for their loyalty that becomes really present in their life because now they're at that age where they're in the middle school and then on into high school. So once I realized this, what I did was I broke up this 12-year window into 3 strategic time frames. The first is from infant to 2 years old, from 2 years old to 5 years old, and from 5 years old to 12 years old. And I asked the question, what should be happening in the life of a child During these 3 time frames. So, let's look at the first one. This first time rate of time frame, from infant to 2 years old, is what I call the role of the gardener, or the role of the nurturer of the soul. And during this time frame, There is no competition because an infant isn't aware of or affected by the temptations of negative lifestyles. But we know that day is coming, and that's what we are preparing our child for— to overcome this competition for their soul, for their mind, for their loyalty. And we do that in this time frame by providing our children with number one, emotional security. Secondly, emotional self-worth. Third, emotional stability. And fourth, emotional attachment or loyalty. And all of this is happening By using it, the metaphor that I use, by using our garden tools of touch, attention, facial expressions, kisses, reading, singing, all these things. In other words, the tool that we're using as a gardener of the soul is all forms of affection. Now, you might say, well, Richard, you know, obviously they're little babies. That's common sense. Yes, it is common sense. But remember, common sense is not always common practice. Now, the neuroscientists refer to this time frame as the early mind that makes our subconscious connections. During this time frame, it is the foundation of a healthy or unhealthy soul. Or in other words, it is the foundation of our thoughts about ourselves. And as we have already covered in earlier episodes, our thoughts lead to our actions, actions lead to our habits, Our habits develop our character, and our character leads us to our life destiny. Thomas Moore, in his book Care of the Soul, says this: when the soul is neglected, it doesn't just go away. It appears symptomatically in obsessions, Addictions, violence, and loss of meaning. In virtually all the studies I've read about why youth and/or adults become criminals or commit acts of violence, there are 3 common factors that I have found that happen during this time frame that I'm talking about, from infant to 2 years old. I mean, these things happen at other times too, but they are— this is a special time, as I said, a foundation of the development of who we become. And those 3 common factors are: number 1, neglect; number 2, abandonment; and number 3, sexual, verbal, or physical abuse. Or some combination of the 3. Psychologist Alice Miller writes, if a mother is to give her child what he will need throughout his life, it is absolutely fundamental that she not be separated from her newborn, for the hormones that foster and nourish her motherly instincts Are released immediately after birth and continue in the following days and weeks as she grows more familiar with her baby. The bonding through skin and eye contact between mother and baby after birth stimulates in both of them the feeling that they belong together, a feeling of oneness that ideally Has been growing from the time of conception. So, as I mentioned, the main tool that we're using here are all forms of affection. That is the key ingredient for this time frame, Mom and Dad. Now, some of you may be struggling with that. You may be listening to that And you might be saying, well, you know, touching and hugging and kissing and affection, that type of handling my kids, it's just not who I am. Well, neither was I. I was not an affectionate father in the beginning. And by the way, Dad, being affectionate with our children is not just the role of the mother. Your kids crave it from you too. Now, why wasn't I affectionate? Because I wasn't raised by an overly affectionate mother, and she was not raised by overly affectionate Parents. I remember when I was interviewing my mom one time. She was about to turn 100 years old. Yes, my mother lived to be 100, and she was all there mentally, and and we were able to really enjoy her until her passing. But I wanted to ask her some questions, and I was asking her about this, and she told me a story about how one day she was going. Going to school early in the morning as a little girl, and she was coming out the door, walked down the porch and down to the street, and started walking down the street to school. And she noticed that her father was, you know, maybe a block or half a block away. He was walking towards the house, towards her. And as they got closer and closer and closer together, she looked at him and he completely ignored her, didn't even look at her. And she said, Papa, it's me, your, your daughter. Aren't you going to say hi? But he just kept on walking. And, you know, that's the kind of culture that many of us might have been raised in. Some of you probably not. Some of you probably had very affectionate parents, but a lot of people don't. And so therefore, for me, When I would see my in-laws who were Sicilian and my the mother of my children is Sicilian, they would come over and give my children such love and such affection. It would make me feel uncomfortable. I was not used to that, and I was the kind of guy that I'd get all upset and angry if my kids would cry. I mean, these are little kids. Of course, they're going to cry. You know, but I didn't know how to handle this, all this affection. So if you're listening to this and that's— you're struggling with that, because what I'm saying here in this Home Field Advantage, this first role that we have to nurture the emotional life, to let our kids know, hey, you matter, you count, I love you. All of that's being communicated as you're holding them, as you're looking at them, as you're kissing them, talking all that baby talk to them. All All of that gives them that sense of emotional stability and self-worth. But if you are uncomfortable with that, I understand. But here's the good news. You can learn how to be affectionate like I did. We can learn this, and it's important. That we do. So, uh, don't beat yourself up if at the moment that you're hearing this you're not overly affectionate. But I want you to understand how important it is, and you can learn how to be affectionate. And that's what we're— why we keep talking about— that I keep bringing up emotional maturity. And all the sessions and episodes before this, I talked about emotional maturity, and part of that is learning how to be affectionate. Now, in our next episode of the Home Field Advantage, we will talk about the second role, and that is the role of the trainer. You've been listening to the Parent Whisperer Podcast. I'm Richard Ramos. Please hit the subscribe button and leave a review, and and help me know how these episodes are are hitting you. And give me your thoughts or any questions you might have about my podcast, and share this episode or share these episodes with family, parents, and friends. I would really appreciate that. And always remember, Parents on a Mission isn't for bad parents. It's for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.

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