How To Close The Stepdad Gap

All right, everybody. Welcome to another podcast, the Parent Whisperer Podcast. I'm Richard Ramos, your host, and it's always a blessing to speak to you. Thank you, all of you who are subscribing. I really appreciate it. And I look forward to your reviews. I look forward to your questions. Anything that you— that I'm not touching on that you want to touch on or you want to talk about, you want me to talk about, please let me know. Leave that in the review. And thank you for sharing these podcasts with other parents, other family and friends that you believe this would be helpful, helpful to them. So today what I want to do, I'm going to share from my other book, The last book I've written, which is The Art of Stepparenting: How to Blend Families Without Tearing Them Apart. Now, this is a big part of my story, my personal story. I've been a stepparent my whole parenting life. When I married my wife, the mother of my children, she already had my stepson, who at the time was 2, and now he's 50 or 51. They're doing a great job. He's a high school football coach, but I gotta brag a little bit. He's won 5 of the last 7 state championships in Idaho. So they've been the state champion the last 5 outta 7 years. And so we're just very proud of him. But that journey started a long time ago and it wasn't easy. It hasn't been easy, and currently my wife and I, we have eight children amongst us. If you know my story, the mother of my children, my five children, passed away when they were very young, and so that was that's a whole another issue. But I write about it in here. I tell that story. It's not a happy story. And my whole blended family stepdad story is not a happy story. I've made a lot of mistakes. I've made decisions that hurt my children, hurt other children and other people. And so I feel like I had to be honest about that. And so I wrote this book because I wanted to be helpful. Maybe there's some other stepdads out there, stepparents, or blended families. You're struggling. You know what it's like. It's just not easy to raise someone else's child or children, and then to if you have children to blend your children with their children. It's just it's a lifelong journey. We still have our issues once in a while. It's not like it used to be, but we still have issues, to be honest, and that's just the way it is. But that's what I write about and tell that story and tell our story. And the thing about it is that when you get down to it and it's like, okay, what's the answer, Richard? You're bringing up this, bringing up that. What's the answer? And the thing, the truth is the answer is everything I'm teaching in Parents on a Mission. The principles are no different. The only difference is I put them in a little different context in this book. To just to speak to a stepdad, a stepmom, stepkids. So to put it in that context, but the principles really are the same. So that's my some of my story. Of course, not all of it, but a lot of it is in here and in my other books. But I want to encourage you to buy these books and to share these books with other people. Of course, to listen to the podcast, you could do that too, as you're doing. But if you like to read. And hopefully I've had good feedback on this, on my books. They're easy to read, and I want to encourage you to buy them, and not only for yourself but to share it with somebody else who you think it might be helpful to them. So today I'm going to talk about chapter 6. It's called The Stepdad Gap. Very short chapter. I remember a moment when my 3 oldest kids had become teenagers, and I found myself needing to apologize for some mistakes I had made as their father. I was in a period of personal growth and had begun to see how it was impacting them. They were starting to notice and resent that their 2 younger siblings were benefiting from a more patient, understanding, and flexible version of me. Recognizing this, I decided to sit down with them and share my heart. I wanted to apologize for the experiences they had with the younger, less experienced father. I wasn't abusive, but I had been overly strict and intolerant in ways that I knew might have hurt them emotionally. As I addressed each of them, I turned to my oldest son, my stepson, whom I have raised since he was 2 years old, and apologized for being too harsh in disciplining him at times. To my surprise, he broke down and began to cry. Until that moment, I hadn't realized how deeply I had hurt him, nor how long he had been carrying this pain in his heart. It was a powerful and humbling moment. I could feel and see that healing was taking place between us. All that was left to do was to embrace him. Cry together, and sincerely apologize. Up to that point, we had a good relationship, but from that moment on, it deepened in ways I hadn't expected. Our bond grew stronger, and it remains so to this day. But here's the truth. I go on. But what I want to address here is the question of why. Why did I discipline him too harshly in the first place? Why had I acted that way? The honest answer is that he wasn't my biological son. It wasn't that I didn't care for him or that I didn't have a love for him. I did. But at that point in my life, I had to confront the reality that I wasn't being the best version of myself. As a dad or a stepdad, so that's I go on in in the in the story. But I just want what I want to point out is the power of parents, step parents doesn't matter. Having the wherewithal, the self awareness, and the humility. To recognize when you need to speak to your children in that way. I was in a period of growth, and they saw that. I didn't even think about it, but they saw, "Wow, you never let us do that, Dad," or "You used to get on my case about that." And here my their two little sisters—they're getting away with all this. They weren't really weren't getting away with it. It's just that I wasn't making it a big deal like I used to. I wasn't being as harsh or petty, maybe, as I was with the three older ones. That and now I was learning, I was growing, and I could have just left it at that. But see, I that that's what parents on a mission is all about. And in this case, I'm talking about being a stepdad. And so when I apologized to my stepson, it had huge. Ramification in a positive way, but not only then. To this day, to this day, I don't know that I could. Yeah, we're coming up on a year, so if I were to try to find the Father's Day text he sent me last year, it says it all. So I can just paraphrase it, and this is not the first time he has said this. Not the first time. As a matter of fact, I could go back to the very first time, and that was that happened when his mother passed away. Now, when his mother passed away, he was 19 years old. My other son was 15, and my girls were 12, 10, and 8. So it was a very difficult time, and I do talk about it in the book. But I, he, he, his dad is a good man. He always had a good relationship with his dad and his dad would always be involved in his life. So I just kind of figured he was gonna leave. He's 19, he's a young man, and he, I just figured he probably would go live with his dad. Their mother passed away in November and the following Father's Day, so several months after that. June, he gave me a card on Father's Day. And again, paraphrasing, basically what the card said was, Richard— he calls me Richard. It's funny because when he talks to the kids, he says Dad, but when he talks to me, he says Richard, which is cool. He said, Richard, I know that you're thinking that now that Mom's gone that I'm, I want to, I'm going to leave. But he said, I don't want to leave. I want to stay here with you and my brother and my sisters. You're my dad, and I love you, and words to that effect. So you could imagine what that meant to me, what that did for me. It was huge. And there's been other times throughout the years that he has both told me that, and then again just recently told me that I've, I've been the person who's had the greatest influence in his life. So why am I saying all this? Stepdads out there, this is what we want. This is the kind of relationship that we want. And now, with my wife, now we have 8 children. She has 3 boys. So Again, I have 2 boys and 3 girls. She has 3 boys, and it's been a challenge. We did not get together in great circumstances, to say the least, but that was 23 years ago, and today we have A good relationship. I'm still working on with one, the youngest, but the relationship is there, and it can be had if we're willing to work on ourselves. That's why I'm encouraging you to buy these books, because I'm will walk you through how to get there. How does this happen? It's not going to happen by you looking at the behavior of your stepchildren, at criticizing to your spouse about her or his kids. It's not going to happen that way. Or you saying, "Hey, those are your kids. I don't want to. I don't want to deal with that. I don't need to deal with that. That's your that's your problem." That kind of thing. That's why a lot of step families don't make it. See, but if you are in love with their mother, as talking as from a man, if you're in love with their mother, really in love, you don't want that because she won't be happy. My wife's not happy when I don't— if I don't get along with the kid, her kid. Not only my kids, her kids. She's not happy. I want her to be happy, so I've had to really work on myself. And it has not been easy, but I've done it. And I'm here telling you, all you stepdads that are listening to this, it can be done. And it doesn't matter if, say, you say things are terrible right now. There's all kinds of issues and problems and this and that. Welcome to the club. I've been there too. But there's such a thing called reconciliation, and that's one of the principles that we teach in Parents on a Mission— how to reconcile when things don't go well. That's the answer. That's the key. That's in the book, both books, this book and my Parents on a Mission book. But like I said, this particular book is focused on being a stepdad. And I talk about— the chapter is called The Stepdad Gap, and I talk about closing the stepdad gap, and I give 4 Principles of how do you close that gap? Because you, that tension, that awkwardness that they're doing stuff, but you don't say anything, or you're saying too much like I did, and you make that mistake. And so now there's a gap between you. There's a friction, there's an awkwardness, and it's not a pleasant feeling. And it brings, it causes problems in your marriage. You guys, you know that. You guys, I don't have to tell you that. You know that. Because you can't be happy if your wife is mistreating your little girl or your little boy or your kids. If you— if they're older, you're not going to be happy and she's not going to be happy, vice versa. If I'm not treating her kids— if you're mistreating her little boy or her older boy, it doesn't matter whatever age they are. They are— all of our kids are adults now. They're all adults. Some of them have kids. So how do you close that gap? So the first thing I talk about is a position of authority. This can vary greatly depending on your relationship with your spouse and the dynamics of who takes the lead in the household. In some cases, you may hold a position of authority, while in others, You may take a back seat depending on who wears the proverbial pants in the family. Sometimes the parent doesn't want the stepparent to deal with their kids. Sometimes that happens. Normally, I believe that a man should take authority out of in a servant leadership way, in a respectful, loving way, not a dictatorial, authoritarian, demanding way. But in a servant leadership way. But sometimes the wife doesn't want you to do that. She doesn't want you to deal with the kids. You're— she's not giving you that position of authority. And so that's something you have to work out. That's something you have to talk about and come to an agreement on it and come to an understanding of it. That could say a lot of things about, but I'll just leave it there. You have to come to an understanding And the ramifications of what it means if you're going to take a certain position. And number three, be willing to change. Be willing to be open and willing to talk about it. Say you know what? This isn't working. Second is the disciplinarian. Whether or not you take on the role of disciplinarian often depends on on how your spouse feels about your style of discipline and involvement in setting and enforcing rules. Someone. Others may prefer to handle discipline themselves, while others may expect you to share this responsibility. So it's the same thing. But see, in my case, I took on the disciplinarian role too soon. That was a huge mistake I made. I tried to tell her boys what to do and get on their case and stuff too soon, even though I was right because they were disrespecting her. They weren't listening to her. They weren't doing anything she would say. They wouldn't. They were just rebellious completely. So that's wrong. But I stepped in and tried to correct it too soon. It wasn't my place at that time. So again, the role of disciplinarian, that's something again you're going to have to work through, work out, talk about it. And the bottom line is getting results. Now, in Parents on a Mission, in this book, I have a whole chapter On discipline, the proper use of discipline, and an understanding that punishment is not discipline. Discipline is teaching. Punishment is just consequences, and you don't care whether the kid learns anything or not or changes. You just want there to be consequences. Discipline— you're teaching them a lesson so that they'll learn and grow and change. All right, whole— again, that's a whole lesson I could get into, but it's in the book. It's in this book. Third, provider. Acting as the family provider can also become a source of tension depending on how you and your spouse view work, money, and family finances. Aligning these issues is crucial to avoiding misunderstandings or resentment. A lot of couples— It doesn't have to be step— Spouses. It could be regular couples that fight over money. Oh my God, money. Again, could go on and on about this, but again, that's something that— who's the provider? How do we— let's— we got to talk about money. Oh, you want your own bank account and you want me to have my own bank account, and my money's my money and your money's your money? Oh, and then who pays the bills and all that stuff? Oh, thank God I don't have that issue with my wife. We're both very generous with each other. We don't have a separation of like that. But usually, as a man, if you're coming into the family, then remember this chapter's on stepdads, the stepdad gap, how to close it. One of the ways you close it is by being a responsible provider. You take it on that responsibility and giving your wife and your children a sense of security. You're going to take care of it. You're going to work hard. You're going to pay the price. You're going to do whatever you got to do to make ends meet. All right, closing the gap. And third or fourth, a family reconciler and peacemaker. This role demands significant emotional maturity, especially when conflict conflicts arise, which could be between the kids, could be between your own kids, or your kids and their her kids, or could be between you and one of the her kids, you and one of your kids, or you and her. There's all kinds of ways for I have a chapter on here. in here about the triangle. Let's see if I find it in here. I think I passed it. But anyway, about how triangles in families work and how not to get triangulated and how to work that situation, because it's so easy for your kids to pit you against your stepdad or your stepmom, you know, or your step— Siblings. There's all these situations. What I'm saying here is part of your role as a stepdad to close the stepdad gap is to be the one who's a reconciler and a peacemaker. This role demands significant emotional maturity, especially when conflicts arise, whether the tension is between stepsiblings, between the mother and her children, or even between you and your stepchildren. Navigating these dynamics requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to fostering harmony. I don't want to—I'm not—I didn't mean—I'm not trying to go into every scenario. There's too many. But you get the point. Who's going to make the peace? Because here's what happens: see families, and again, we're talking about step families. So blending families, step families—from the gate, you're having problems. The only one way you avoid that, could possibly avoid that, is if you get involved with somebody whose child is very small, a baby. But you got to remember, there's another parent, so that could— and in-laws. So even in the case of you're coming into the family with an infant, or like in my case with a 2-year-old, there could be other issues with other— the other parents and the other in-laws and things like that. So again, all of that's in the book. But my role in that way of being a peacemaker, of being a provider, of understanding my role as a disciplinarian and my position of authority— see, all of that takes emotional maturity. It takes an ability to be self-aware so I can self-manage myself, so I can recognize when I'm being part of the problem. And part of reconciling a broken relationship, if it's you and somebody, your stepson or something, it's up to us to initiate that reconciliation, that conversation. It's not about being right. Who's right? I'm right. So therefore he needs to come over here. It's not about that. It's about the relationship, and it's understanding things like that and reading through the material of how do you do these things that's going to help you close the stepdad gap. And that's only one chapter in that book. So I want to thank you for listening. You're listening to Richard Ramos, the Parent Whisperer Podcast. I want to thank you, all of you who have subscribed. If you're new listening to this podcast, I would really appreciate it if you would be willing to subscribe, like the video, and leave a review. And more importantly than that, share this episode with any friends or family, stepparents, stepdads that you know and you feel that this would really be a help to them. Again, richardrramos.com. You can find the book The Art of Stepparenting: How to Blend Families Without Tearing Them Apart. You can find it on my website along with other free resources, and you can go to Amazon and you could find the book there. So once again, I want to thank you all for listening. I really appreciate it. Please leave a review. Send me any questions that you might have, and always remember, mom and dad, that parents on a mission is not for bad parents or bad stepparents. It's for good parents and good stepparents who just want to get better. Thanks for listening.