Parent Child Psychology

Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard Ramos, your host, and today I have two very special women that I met recently. They were gracious enough to host me on their podcast, and so I want to introduce them to you, and then I want them to speak to you. what they are doing because they're doing great work. It folds right into what Parents on a Mission is all about. Many of the things that we emphasize, they're coaching parents in that same way. And first, I want to introduce to you Samantha Straub. Am I saying that right, Samantha?

You are. Yep.

And she's a parenting coach, licensed clinical counselor, long, longtime educator, and founder of Teen Savvy Coaching, where she helps parents of teens and tweens like that communicate more effectively, reduce household chaos, and raise resilient, emotionally healthy kids. And her partner, Dr. Melissa Welner, correct?

Yep.

Is a child and adolescent and adult psychiatrist and owner of Anna Annapolis.

Yep.

Did I get that right? Annapolis Psychiatry. Is that right? Where she provides compassionate, evidence-based, patient-centered psychiatric care. So Samantha, welcome.

Thank you. Thank you for having us, Richard. We are excited for this conversation. Since you've been a guest on Parenting Shrinkwrecked, I've been keeping tabs on your work and also The conversation we had. Melissa and I both ended that episode admiring your energy, and I'm sure that the people that you work with feel the same way and your listeners. So little love note from me to start. And yeah, and I'm looking forward to this conversation. As you mentioned, I'm a parenting coach, but I did not start off that way. Although I guess I have always been a parenting coach without the title. I began, I've worked in schools or I worked in schools for 26 years, first as a classroom teacher. I taught middle school English for 4 years. I was a dean of students for a few years, also for middle school. So I was doing discipline for the rowdy kids. And then I was a school counselor for most of those 26 years, 18 of them.

Wow.

And for middle and high schoolers. So I've worked exclusively with the 11 to 18-year-old age bracket. And it was really in my role as— I certainly did this as a teacher and a dean, but I wasn't old enough yet to have The confidence, I think I was in my 20s when I had those roles to consider myself a parent coach, 'cause I wasn't even a mom myself and I was still leaning on my parents. Hey, what's a 401? So I certainly didn't consider myself a parent coach then, but I was even doing this as far back as that. And so it was in my, my role as a school counselor that parents would call me and say, I'm worried about my kid, or I don't know what to make of this new development, or suddenly they're into this or not into this, or they're talking this way. What should I do? Or, please keep an eye on my kid. And sometimes I would say, okay, I will. But other times I would say, okay, I will. Also, do you want some help yourself? And I could make inroads on behalf of the kid just by coaching the parent on what context to bring to the situation, communication tools they could use, how to understand teens in general. And occasionally that meant that I never had contact with the kid. The parent would hang up going, thank you so much. This is what I needed. Or, can I talk to you again next week? Don't contact my kid. I'm going to try and do this myself.

And good.

Yeah. So that's, that was how parent coaching came to be. I'm also a licensed clinical counselor. And so I do some of that work. I see therapy clients half the week now. I'm not in schools anymore. I'm an employee at a private practice here in Annapolis, Maryland, or outside of Annapolis, where Melissa and I used to be colleagues. She now has her own private practice, but I still am an employee where we used to both work. And I spend the other half doing my parent coaching.

All right. Okay. And so Melissa, just tell us about you and tell us about your background.

So I, when I was in medical school, I went to med school to be a surgeon and ended up hating the operating room during third year of med school. Yeah. And was, oh no, what am I gonna do now in the medical field? And Fell in love with psychiatry during a rotation. So I was on an inpatient adolescent unit in Philadelphia and absolutely fell in love with psychiatry and ended up wanting to go into child psychiatry. You do have to train in adult psychiatry first in order to become a child psychiatrist. So I ended up doing adult training and then child and adolescent training. And just really enjoy working with kids and their families. And essentially, if you work in the child psychiatry world, you end up doing a lot of family work.

Sure.

I always have more than one person in the room most of the times. I've got a parent and a kid most of the time. So end up working on family dynamics on a regular basis. And that can be from anywhere ages 3 and up. So I met Sam actually after I was out of training for a couple years when I was transitioning into private practice. And Sam was still in the school system at that time that she was last employed at. And I was kind of making the rounds going, hey, I'm a child psychiatrist. Do you have students who need help? To some local private schools in the Annapolis area, and that's how Sam and I met. So we were coordinating care for students of hers when I was in private practice, and then she joined the private practice that I was at. And then since then, I branched out and started my own. So I see kids in a private practice setting, ages 3 and up, and their families for diagnostic evaluations, med management, and some therapy as well. I All my appointments are longer appointments, so they're not—we're not just talking about medication. There's a lot of therapy work that's going on during appointments as well.

Yeah. So which one of you wants to describe or explain your very unique name, Parenting Shrink Rap?

That was—we've—you got two shrinks. That's—that's where it came from.

Okay. I just wanted to get, get that clear.

So it was a play on words. Sam and I were actually prepping for a talk in the community on teenage anxiety that we were giving to a group of parents talking about teenage anxiety. And I'm like packing up my stuff. We're like ready to go. And I'm like, Sam, my husband thinks we should have a YouTube channel. And that's where Parenting Shrink Wrap came to be. Because Sam was like, hey, I've wanted to have a podcast. And I'm like, I'm not going to do this by myself. So let's go for it. And within a few months we were, we went from being people who knew nothing about how to have a podcast to dropping episodes weekly.

Yeah. Same here. I think we were, as we were talking a little bit before that we've been at this about the same amount of time. It takes time to build it, but dropping something weekly does take some effort. I I always am so amazed at some of these people that are on every day.

Oh gosh. They must not have a day job. That if they must, that must be their job.

Yes. And they have a staff.

Yes. I was listening to, in talking to the staff, although we do have someone who helps produce the podcast who does the behind the scenes.

And we've got social media help now too.

Yeah.

We've realized we've been, we were outmatched hours-wise by I also have one person that helps me with the social media and the show notes and stuff like that. But other than that, it's me.

Yeah.

But I've enjoyed it. And just like you guys, we know how you feel and I feel the need for parents is so huge and it doesn't seem, you can tell me in your experience, it doesn't seem to be changing. The need is not, we're doing all we can, but it just seems so many issues. Now we're dealing with artificial intelligence and Before it was social media, and now it's more about that. And so what— have you seen any changes or any more pressures or anything different, even just in the short time? Both of you have already a long career in your own private practice. So from there, and since you've been doing the podcast, are you seeing any specific changes with parents that you work with?

I think what I've noticed as an overarching trend is the demands placed on parents are so high. It's a lot of homes nowadays are 2 full-time working parents, plus they're trying— so you've got parents that are trying to hold down full-time careers because of financial pressures in the world. And then on top of that, raise kids, do all the school things, do all the extracurricular activities, and it gets overloaded. And then they end up with their own struggles, and then that trickles down into their parenting impact and onto their kids very unintentionally. But I think that kind of like expectation, and I think part of the area where Sam and I practice and live. It has a little bit of that pressure cooker effect going on. So I see a lot of that, that just a lot of demands placed on parents, and then parents are struggling with their own mental health issues that may not have been addressed because of stigma or lack of access to care when they were growing up, or it just wasn't talked about in society. So they have their own unresolved stuff, and then now they're trying to raise other human beings.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then you throw in social media and AI.

I'd also add that— sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.

Go ahead. No, go ahead, Sam.

I was going to say, I'd add that there's a broken college system that I think is trickling down into the not the below college education system that's making some parents who are very involved feel like they're running on a hamster wheel. So I'm echoing what Melissa was saying. There's a lot of demands on parents. And I think that those demands, whether it spans all demographics, income level, parts of the globe, cultures. But one thing that I have noticed, because, because I am, I'm seeing a lot of families and kids who are college educated or who, where the expectation is that the kids will be college bound. God, the, like the resume building that these kids have to consider now.

Yeah.

That didn't exist when I was going to college. I wouldn't get into the place where I went to college now. There's no way in hell. There's just, I didn't start a small democratic nation. There's— before I was 14 years old. I just, there's, it's silly and totally broken. And I think that it is not the problem. It is a contributing problem thrown into all the other things that Melissa added. And you asked if I saw trends. I did my training, my counseling master's 2000— I graduated in 2002 and did not go right into counseling. I stayed in this classroom and then I was a dean of students for a little bit. And it was in 2007, which is when the iPhone dropped, that I started.

Yeah.

That's when it— that I started. I was like, like kids would come to me and they were like, I have all these— we're talking about MySpace first and then Facebook. And I remember this one girl talking about all of her friends and This was in rural Pennsylvania, by the way, where the school I was working at the time. And, and I was like, tell me about your friends because there are like less than 200 of you here on this campus. And I know you're not friends with all these girls. And she was like, there's my friends, this Dutch guy. And I was like, Dutch guy? Like your dad lives in DC. And she started talking about these friends. And I, that's when I decided like, I have to get on Facebook. I have to understand this world that these kids are living in. They're like talking about friends in this way I've never heard of before.

Yeah.

And it was around then that I started to see this spike in anxiety. And of course, that's when everybody did. It wasn't just me, but I was not trained or no, I was trained. I remember the class I took. It was called Crisis Response for what do you do if you have a client having a panic attack, like being totally overwhelmed by their nervous system. And this was an anomaly, as my professor described it. And by the time I was, I left school counseling, which was 2023. I had the protocol. I had a, I had a panic attack basket in my school counseling office for when kids showed up mid-panic attack in school. And sometimes it was just so commonplace, I could see it multiple times a week. So that's a shame. That's—

Yeah. Yeah. And I've talked about that too, how that our parents today, we weren't equipped for this. We, let alone being a mom and a dad, just that learning how to be a mom and a dad. But then dealing with the different issues and the common, at least in my world, gangs, drugs, violence, dropping outta school, kids getting in trouble doing stuff like that. But social media brought a whole new wave of issues that parents are now have to be concerned with. Of course, it's been a long time, but it's still an issue. Just the addiction and the screen time and no communication and looking down at the phone at the dinner table or at the restaurant or everywhere. And so, yeah, what do I, how do I deal with that, Richard? So it's definitely, but I wanted to ask you also, what is the youngest? We'll start with you, Alyssa. What is the youngest parent you've, you work with or have worked with? Because kids, 14-year-old, 15-year-old, their parents, 16, 17.

I haven't worked with any teenage-aged parents. Probably since training Richard, just because of my practice setting, but definitely in Baltimore, it definitely exists. And then it's the teenage brain raising another human. Brain development isn't done till your mid-20s to begin with. You could say even the college-aged population having kids is still a not fully developed frontal lobe.

Yeah, no, that's right. And as that's why in our, in my curriculum, that's the first thing we talk about is emotional maturity because for exactly why you, what you just said, we know that. What is it till 25? The brain's not fully developed or something like that. Yeah. How about you, Sam? Do you ever work with—

Yeah, same thing. My, I did more work with younger parents in my training than I do in my day-to-day. And A lot of that has to do with the fact that out of my— out of college, actually, I was a public school kid. I went to public school. And when I did my job hunt, I was 22, just barely 22, and I looked about 17, maybe 12. And so when I was getting— when I had job bites and I was doing a public school job hunt, that's where I thought I was going to end up. That's kind of what I believed in. And, and I, the, they were like, do you want to teach level 4, which was remedial? There was like college prep, level 1, level 2, level 3. These were level 4 students, really remedial seniors. And I was like, are you kidding me? Some of them are like 2 years younger than me and I'm probably leading a similar life to them on the weekends. So the job offers that I had, I was like, God, I think I'm going to get run over by those. And I got another job offer at a private school when I'd never considered that. And I also had a, I think a really snooty opinion of like, why would I go to a private school when there's so much good that needs to be done elsewhere? Like, why would I go to a well-resourced place when there's so many places that don't have resources? And then I went to a private school and I realized, oh my gosh, these kids have the exact same problems. They're just— Worse. They have worse in some cases.

Rich kids have different problems than poor kids. They, they sometimes.

They have— the causes are different. The problems are not different. And what I mean by that, like, for example, I had kids— I did my training in a large, like, sort of poverty line to blue collar middle school. And like, we had kids working whose parents were machinists working night shift, so they never saw their parents, and then they'd go drinking. And so like, it was— so there was absentee parenthood. And, you know, Mm-hmm. in the, in the private school, their kids were being raised by nannies. Like, absentee parents for totally different reasons, but like both kids were rudderless, but different.

I like the distinction you made because here, like in Santa Barbara, I had— in Santa Barbara is a very— on that side of the hill there's very wealthy families and kids, and then on this side there's a lesser or lower income, but they go to the same school. So you have that mix And, but you're right, the problems— you're right, the causes are different, but the problems are the same.

There were lonely kids. There were kids whose identities they'd like— they hadn't finished figuring out who they are. Kids who needed to figure out friends. Kids who were dealing with anxiety, with depression, who, you know, with learning issues. Those problems exist in all sorts of places. So anyway, I, I ended up— because I started in a private school, Just like I, the jobs that I kept finding ended up being in private schools and who can afford private schools? Generally not teen parents. So the parents that I'm working with actually, like, they tend to be more established in their career and in their, like, financial.

It would take a very mature teenager to go to parenting counseling. That's why they don't go. Probably they're like, I don't know, what do I want to do that for? But so what if you were gonna— I'll ask you, whoever wants to answer this first. If you, you know, there's a lot of mental health, as you guys know, what would you— what are maybe 2 or 3 basic principles that you give people? I know it maybe depends on what kind of mental challenge. I understand, but in just general. What kind of self-care or what kind of counsel do you find yourself usually ending up giving people who are really, who are struggling with whether pressure or could be finances, it could be a rebellious child, but they themselves are really stressed out?

You mean the parents? What advice do we give parents? Yeah. What do you—

I have in general. Yeah, I can talk about that.

I have a sort of a 3 Like 3-ring Venn diagram that I talk about with parents.

Okay, everybody listen up. Everybody get out a notebook and a pencil.

If you're— I'll do this with my hands, but if you're listening, in one circle is understanding child and adolescent development. So that is, it's real, I think it's critically important to understand what is typical for, or within the range of typical for kids and adolescents, particularly adolescents. We, we cut little ones a lot of slack for behavior that is not adultish. And when they hit 11 or 12, we start to see them being able to better regulate under certain circumstances. And so we think this should be applicable across all circumstances, and it's not.

It's not.

For a variety of brain reasons, which I teach my clients, and I'm sure you do too, Richard. So I think when you can understand that, you can have empathy, and you can also go, oh, I'm not raising a jerk. This is just part of nature of the beast, right? Or, or, oh, they're flipping out and maybe I don't have to rush them to the emergency room or to a therapist because the flip out is predictable in size for the age and the circumstance. Like it wouldn't be predictable for someone 20 years older, but 12-year-old, it's within there. So adolescent or child development is one of the circles. Another circle is knowing your own triggers. So that means understanding What you do and do not have, how equipped you are and are not, and just being accepting and taking a bird's eye view on that. That's no easy task. I will say that's no easy task.

And just for people that are listening, what you mean by triggers are, you know, where the emotional landmines or buttons are. You know, you know yourself and you know the things that are going to kind of set you off.

Precisely. Yes.

So that could be a lot of things, but okay.

Just so that means that what kind of circumstances you're going to be well equipped to handle and what kind of circumstances are going to overwhelm you in some way. That's circle 2. And circle 3 is communication tools that actually work with the age you're dealing with. So that means, and what worked for an 8-year-old does not work for a 15-year-old typically, like how you speak with a very— how you speak with a teenager who's resistant by nature. I say you can't be an ice cube. You got to be water. You have to just flow. You cannot be— you can't be a solid. You have to kind of work around whatever they give you, and there's an art to that. And so now that's not self-care. That doesn't sound like self-care. There's no bubble bath involved in what I just said. But when you— when those things come together, when you know how your kid operates, how you operate, and you have tools to meet them where they are, You'd be surprised at how mental health conditions go way down for parents and for kids. Right.

That's a whole thing. Yeah. That's good. That's a Bruce Lee principle. Be like water. Or did you know that?

Maybe you didn't. I didn't know that. No.

Do you know who Bruce Lee was? Yes. Okay. That was his thing. What he taught was be water, be like water when you're going to have a— you in martial arts. Sure.

Because martial arts takes resistance. Martial arts, you don't meet a wall with the same power of a wall. You use your opponent's power and you Yeah, that's what he meant.

Yeah, you got it. That's right. Melissa, so what do you say to this?

I definitely focus a lot on the communication aspect that Sam has in her third circle, because it's not just communication with your kid, it's also communication with your co-parent, your spouse, other people that might be involved in raising your child. That could be communication with a kid's school, like a teacher, Another caregiver, a babysitter. I think at you need to have those communication abilities. Maybe you need to be able to talk to somebody else. So it isn't uncommon for me to recommend a parent seek out their own individual therapist, and I'll I'll say to a parent like your child is being difficult at this time, and you guys are butting heads, and I wonder. If it's triggering something in you from your own childhood. So I'll often recommend individual counseling for parent separate from their kid. I'll refer people to Sam for parent coaching. And I also strongly encourage parents just to take a few minutes sometimes just to themselves. If you need to step away from a situation, like the same coping strategies We're telling a kid to use, think about using them for yourself. If— go take a walk if you're stressed, like, go take 5 minutes. It may not fix everything, and there's no like perfect magical potion or bubble bath like Sam mentioned, but I think it's also important for parents to not lose their own individual identity and just being a parent. So if there's things they love to do for themselves, they should try to make time to do those things. I know I can speak for Sam and I, we both have hobbies that we do outside of the workplace, outside of being moms. Sam has 2 kids that are much older and more grown than mine, but I'm still in the thick of it with littles.

And Melissa can still be found twice a week ice skating.

There you go.

I was on the ice this morning.

That's great.

And Sam's in the pool. Sam swims.

So That's great.

But we, I think it's really important to have that outlet of something that you just do for you. What do you like to read? It doesn't have to be something that costs money or anything. Take a walk, exercise, go to the public library and check out a book, listen to music. It doesn't have to be any super prescriptive thing either, or that's something that's a financial burden on an individual. There's a lot of things you can do to Help decrease your own stress level. And I think if your own stress level is managed well or minimized, because there's always stressors that pop up in life, you can show up better as a parent.

Yeah.

And it's a good model for your kid. Yeah. Like what I say to parents is like, hey, we don't want your child flying the coop worrying about you, whether you're coming apart at the seams with the, in their absence. We don't want your only identity to be as mom or as dad. We want you that to be an important one. But when they leave, we want— they want to know, I can leave and start my own life and not have to worry about leaving my parents behind. So having your own stuff is an antidote to that.

Yeah. And they can only learn that from you, that they need to learn, see in you that, hey, I'm good. Yeah, I'm good. I'm not dependent. You may not say this, but I'm not dependent. My well-being is not dependent on you all completely. Even though you, again, you may not verbalize that, but of course When our kids are in pain, we're in pain.

Yes.

But at the same time, they need to see that you can learn and be resilient apart from me, and I can do the same. And I remember reading from Dr. Friedman, Edwin Friedman. I don't know if you guys are familiar with him, but he said that the kids who make it best through— I'm paraphrasing— traumatic times or tough times are those whose parents did not depend on them for their own salvation. And I think that is so true that the kids can see that, man, my dad's got it together. Now, a 5-year-old's not going to know that, but by the time they get a little bit older, they start to see that we're handling it even though we blow it sometimes. I wanted to ask you, Melissa, when you're working with children, are the parents in the room?

Usually, yes. Okay. So sometimes I— Do you recommend that? I've seen all different models of psychiatric care done. So a lot of times, especially for an intake appointment with a new patient, I keep everybody together and I'll split up based on family's preference, individual situations. But it's an opportunity sometimes for me to observe their interactions, to see very organic family dynamics play themselves out rather than just looking to see what one or the other is saying about the dynamics. Also, it gives me an opportunity sometimes to model what— how to intervene if a kid is being resistant or giving attitude. I have an opportunity to sometimes jump in and model communication or have them Help facilitate them communicating better.

Yeah, I'm just asking that because I wonder sometimes, can the child is is the child being somebody else when the parent's there, as opposed to who they would be with you if there's none there's no parent to be that kid that you know what I mean does that I just sometimes they behave better sometimes they behave worse oh okay it definitely can.

Fluctuate, but I sometimes I've had the experience where parents are like apologizing for a kid misbehaving in my office and I go, that's what I'm here for. Go right ahead. In a way, it's good for me to see what they might be seeing at home and not an artificially created, I'm going to behave because I'm in the doctor's office situation right now.

Sorry.

No, I was gonna say there's a lot of toys in my office and kids know they're free to play with whatever, but there's also cleanup. So how do we handle getting asked to stop? How do we ask— how do we respond when we're asked to clean something up? How do the parents intervene? So it's interesting to see, is this a parent who's like, when I say to the kid, oh, it's time to clean up, who jumps in and takes over? Or is this a parent who isn't reinforcing what I'm asking? Like watching those dynamics and then seeing where I need to go with that family from there. And it's different for every family.

Sure. But it's just one, is it just one kid at a time that you're one kid and a parent? Yeah. Yeah.

That's really interesting because sometimes siblings do join the appointment if they're with a parent. So. Sometimes siblings are there depending on the age of the kid. With adolescents, I really don't want a sibling in the room. It just can make things very amplified because then I've got sibling dynamics and parent-child dynamics at play.

Yeah, that's what I'm kind of wondering how that— but, you know, we could be all day on that one. But because it— I just think about how people act differently. When they're in a certain scene or scenario. But in your case, in that case, the parents also— I know you— I don't— I might not be getting this right, but as a child psychologist, if you have the parent there, then they're getting coached indirectly in a way because you're interacting. I don't know how this goes. You're— are you just having this conversation with the kid or— and the parents just—

It's with both.

Observing. Okay. So you kind of do both. Okay.

It's kind of with both, but for instance, if a teen is upset that a parent is nagging them to clean up their room, I can intervene and try to understand, like, why is the room not getting cleaned up? And then somewhat in front of the parent, align myself with the kid and go, you don't want your parent nagging you. You're clearly irritated with them right now. And align with the kid and go, so if you clean up your room, You'll shut your mom or dad up real quickly here. So why don't you give it a shot? And the next time they say, go clean up your room and you say it's done, you just won. So empower the teen a little bit in front of the parent.

Oh, you're saying that when the parent's there? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That, that, okay. And so Sam, you work strictly with parents?

Yes and no. Like I said, I have 2 jobs. So as a coach, I work strictly with parents, but I do Therapy, and my clients are 11 on up. So I have plenty of teens that I work with.

And is it just— is it— is the parent included in your therapy?

Yes and no is the answer. I really like doing an intake before I start working with a teenager with parent only. That— so like, I would— I like my first appointment to not have the kid there at all, just to speak with the parent. One, I get the parent's perspective, because who knows the kid better? The kid may have some internal stuff that they haven't shared with their parent, but parents generally know how their kids operate pretty darn well. And there's also a way that we can talk about the kid and the kid's development and what's going on that's very frank that you can't do when the kid's in the room. And that's something I say with my parent coaching clients too. And then I'll work. And then usually my first appointment is parent and kid together. I go over some things and sometimes the parent stays for some of it. Sometimes the kid's, no, thank you, mom, out you go. And, but we've prepped, like I've, I've, I've built trust with the parents and I've told them that could happen. So they go out, but I do believe in involving parents in therapeutic progress because a kid can't get better in isolation. Kids improve in a system.

That's right.

So I definitely work with parents in a therapeutic setting, not every session, but like, I absolutely believe in involving parents periodically, as frequently as the family wants to. Like, I worked with one family where, let's say a session was 50 minutes long. I would spend the first 30 minutes with the kid and then parents would come in for the last 20. Like it was a, and that was a terrific way to open weekly dialogue with a certain family. That's a, but that's not typical. I'll just flow with what needs to happen. But—

And I imagine that you're, you tell me, the, your parent coaching, is it focused on the parents' issues and, or their, their relationship with their kids or maybe both?

Often it's both. I was, I just did an intake last week with a family and they said, so wait, when do you meet with the kid? I said, I don't. I said, do you hear how we've been talking here? This is as a— and I said, I hope you hear that I am— it's warm. I care about kids this age, but I hope also hope you hear how I'm saying when your kid's behaving like a jerk or your kid's behaving in a way that's generally annoying, I would never say those things in front of your son. I wouldn't want to put those labels on your son, but the, but they're, they remain true.

Right.

So there's ways we can talk when kids aren't around that I think can give the parents— we don't have to dance around things or be rose-colored glasses about The actual issues facing a family. So that's why I like parent coaching without— I don't involve the kids in that one.

Yeah, man. So listen, those of you that are listening to this, I want you to really consider and think about having this type of help, this type of coaching, if you want to look at it that way, and that you can trust your children with people who have a genuine care like these ladies here. Both of them are doing— you heard what they're— Melissa's more focused on the child, but she still works with you as the mom or dad. And Sam is more focused on the parent, but she'll still also include your kids if that's what's needed. But my— what I'm saying to you is, I know some of you, there's a lot of trust issues, not wanting to have outside help or feeling like there's something wrong with our family. Or there's something wrong with me if I need therapy. There's almost like a shame. Yeah. And I wanted to have Sam and Melissa on because you can hear. First of all, you can. I know you can feel the genuineness in in what they're saying. You can feel that even though we're not in the same room. But I just wanted you to hear that. You know, I'm always focused on so many other things, but I'm not talking about. The kind of clinical therapy and psychiatry and all of those kinds of things that might really be the answer that you need. And so they're way over there on the East Coast, but there's other people here or wherever you're listening to actually, because you guys are all over the place. I'm just telling you, don't be afraid to try some outside help. I think it would really be beneficial. And then that line of thought, I'm going to start with you, Melissa. You have a story that you'd like to share before we end our conversation. And then I'm going to ask you the same of you, Sam, if you have a story.

So I think to piggyback just on what you were just saying, Richard, is I remember sitting— it was in my first job out of training. And I was sitting in an office setting. I worked for a hospital-based outpatient clinic. And I'm sitting in this office with a family, and they had 3 kids and the kids are not behaving. And they looked at me and they said to me, you must not have any issues with your kids. You're probably the perfect parent. And my jaw almost hit my desk, which I will tell you, like, I usually don't respond like that in a clinical setting. And I went, no, there's all the training in the world, but there's no perfect parent. And Even those of us with tons of training often need help too and don't get it right. I'm just lucky and blessed because I have a co-host who's a parenting coach for teens, and my oldest is in between ages. So when I need something, I have access to her 24/7. I could just shoot a text or a phone call and be like, Sam, help. So, but just know that, like, None of us, even with all the training and years of training, and it's okay to ask for help. We all need help, and it doesn't matter your— what your background is, where your financial status is, what culture you are. Like, the kids don't come with a manual, and every kid's different. So if you need a little bit of help, there's people out there that aren't gonna judge you. I would never judge somebody. For coming and asking for help. I think it's one of the bravest things you can do in life.

Right. That's right. Thank you.

Oh, first of all, I would never recommend something I hadn't tried myself. And they don't let you graduate from therapy school without getting some therapy yourself. They just like, there's like a weeding out process of us folks who think we want to go into therapy. And why do we think we want to go into therapy? Because most of us are resolving our own unresolved You know what?

Yeah.

Oftentimes we go into a career because we're like, oh, the career— this career seems like I could make a difference, or it has made a difference for me and I want to learn how to do that for more people. And so there are a lot of us therapist types who, who go into the work because of some unfinished business that we've got to take care of. And I am no exception to that. I grew up in a household that was loving, that was caring. We never went without. We never had more than we needed, but we never went without. And my mother also brought into her marriage and her mothering her own baggage. She was the youngest of 2 daughters born after World War II, her sister born before. Her father came home with PTSD. Nobody had that word at the time. Her sister had mental health conditions, mental health issues that like plagued the family. And so my mom grew up with like kind of a people-pleasing kind of way of being, but like lots of unmet needs as a result. And when you go into a marriage or a motherhood situation and you have some unmet emotional needs, those are pretty significant relationships. So you look to those to fill those needs and spoiler, we never could. That wasn't something that we were capable of. And so I had this kind of whiplash experience as her daughter. Like sometimes she was loving and funny and awesome and magnetic. And other times she was like cruel and biting and exasperated.

Hmm.

And I never knew which mom I was going to get. So I just, to use a Brené Brown, armored up. I just kept it all inside and I was afraid of emotions, but I didn't want to be. I was a big feeler and I just didn't know how to feel and I was uncomfortable. So I know now, I didn't know at the time that I went into counseling because it was like the affective, it was the people-oriented part of teaching that I liked. Like, I didn't care about correcting kids' grammar on essays, which is what I started doing. Like, I didn't care about— like, that wasn't my big thrill. It was like watching kids transform. And the reason I liked that was because It was this genuine, authentic person-to-person connection. And I wasn't totally comfortable in my personal life with those things. So I went into counseling, I think, without knowing that. And since then I've done plenty of work on myself, which I think allows me to be a more authentic and receptive and just water-like therapist and coach because, because I've been on the other side of the dynamic. And I'm so glad I have. My life is richer because of it.

Yes. Yes, it is. So do you have any resources you'd like to share with where people can find? I know, first I'm asking you, Sam, and then Melissa, do you have on your website where people— I know you guys are too far for people to go. Okay. They're not—

Not for me. Not for Sam. Okay. So it's all virtual.

You're both in the Maryland area.

Okay.

So if you're in that area, here's the ladies you can reach. But if you're not, go ahead and listen. If you are, Sam, if you have some—

As a therapist, you're right. You can only work with me in Maryland, but I'm a parenting coach. Like I said, I have 2 jobs. So I'm an employee and then that job, I'm a therapist. Sorry, Maryland only. I also own Teen Savvy Coaching. That's a parenting coach business and that I can work with people. I have worked with people internationally. So that's— it does— it's not— it's not geographic.

And where would they find that?

teensavvicoaching.com. And if you're interested, there's a free download called my— I call it the How to Have a You Screwed Up Conversation. And in it, I outline my LOVED framework, and each letter stands for a different communication tool to implement while you are having a confrontation with your teen. And my clients and folks who are on my email list who've listened to it, they say, oh my gosh, this works Like magic immediately, and that's the goal—is to give you a quick win.

So there you go. You sign up for her email list, and you're going to have access to that. And Dr. Walker, Welner, Welner. Sorry. It's all good.

So unfortunately, only can see patients in the state of Maryland. But part of the reason Sam and I generated the podcast is to give people. Worldwide access to us and our knowledge on a weekly basis. And you can find Parenting Shrink Wrapped on YouTube, on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, wherever you get your podcasts. We're also on Facebook and Instagram. So if you look up Parenting Shrink Wrapped, you can find us. And if anybody wants to get ahold of us, they can also email us at parentingshrinkwrapped@gmail.com. We're happy to take questions from listeners and our audience all the time.

Yeah. Okay, you guys, thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate it. And for all of you that are out there, I really thank you for subscribing. It's a great encouragement to me. And if you could help me, I would appreciate reaching more parents by liking this video. Leaving a review. If you have questions, you can submit your questions. And as you can go to my website, richardrramos.com. Free resources are there. My books are there and a bunch of other different things. But today I just wanted to bring this. It's a little different angle to what we're trying to accomplish, which is to just build healthy and happy children and happy and healthy families. Thanks for listening. This is the Parent Whisperer podcast. I'm Richard Ramos, and remember, as always, Parents on a Mission is not for bad parents. It's for good parents like you who want to get better. Thanks for listening.